"You're in denial, Gohan."

"Am I?" I scoffed. This time on superlative levels.

…

Remember that part about not giving Trunks Briefs the satisfaction of getting on my nerves? Well, that resolve was fading fast.

4
The "L" Word

"Your virgin mind is so naïve- so inexperienced in these matters that you're idealizing this fixation you have for her. A lovely and intelligent woman playing hard to get is one of the surest ways to get a guy hooked. Though I totally get why you're feeling guilty about admitting it, I mean—there's religion, among a menagerie of other factors—which has dumbed us down throughout the ages and made us believe that wanting to have sex is immoral -when it really isn't, by the way- so you can stop trying to convince yourself you're not like every other healthy male Neanderthal on the planet wanting a good lay. It's perfectly alright. I ain't gonna judge."

"What are talking about?" I spat, aghast. "What is that even supposed to mean? Speak for yourself, Trunks!"

"Look, I'm sorry to break this to you, man. But the only pure feelings of affection a man and a woman can share is that between mother and son; and even that isn't always untainted! By design, we 'males' are attracted to females for only one reason. You can call it whatever other flowery term you want, but it is what it is. You can't fight something hardwired into our system for millennia. Not even the gods are that self-righteous, I mean, who do you think you are? The God of Celibacy or something? Unless, again, you're gay. See, 'cause if you're not—and I sure hope you're not—ultimately, no matter which road you decide to take, whether it's the 'holy' and conservative path or the run-down and dirty one, you're still going to end up in the same garden of Eden. There's that forbidden apple you'll take a bite from that will make you—as a man—want to fulfil life's greatest and only purpose with a woman, not a happily ever after, mind you, but proliferation of the species."

I knew I should have just let him have this round. His words didn't have to mean anything to me; didn't have to become my truth. I was in no mood nor shape to argue and I knew nothing would become of it. But my usual level-headedness was feeling more and more out of reach the more he kept pushing that envelope.

"Don't be a hypocrite, Gohan! It ain't cool! You gotta man up! Don't tell me you've never fantasized about kissing her even once? That you haven't noticed how tight and full she is in all the right places? About how good her naked and sweaty body would feel against yours as she squirmed beneath you while you forced her to squeeze the essence out of you?"

"Don't," I ground my teeth.

At that point, I was fantasizing, alright. Fantasizing that my fist was impinged on Trunks' face where it deserved to be at that moment.

"Don't you dare. Talk about her that way again—"

"Or what?" Trunks lips curled into a smirk. "…You're gonna defend her honour like you've been doing these past weeks whether she wants you to or not?"

I weighed the pros and cons of actualizing my fantasy, deciding in a heartbeat that the pros definitely won hands down. My arm was already winding back to take the shot even before my conscious mind could complete the command and I could practically taste it; the sweet instant gratification that releasing some of the past weeks' pent-up frustration promised; even appreciative at Trunks for giving me the perfect excuse to.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to cash in on that payback.

When the person you want to sucker punch suddenly breaks into a fit of irrepressible laughter, you'll find that, it can be very effective in killing the build-up.

"Either you're pretending to be angry to hide the fact that you're turned on or you're really angry because you're seriously in love with this chick."

What? I blinked. Did he intentionally egg me on just to get a reaction?

"Congratulations, buddy!" He sat his stupid smug ass by the bed, giving me a forceful smack in the back before draping his arm around my neck. "This is the first time I've seen you actually serious about being with a girl! And—I'd really like to say that I support you all the way too, except that—well, I don't think it's going to help you at all. As your friend, it's my duty to tell you the ugly truth: There's no way in hell you'll win over Cello Maoh. You're setting yourself up by even just entertaining the thought! Tough luck. Best give up while you're still in one piece… Sort of."

Trunks Briefs.

Fuck you.

"Now, if it were any other girl—"

"Gee," I flicked his arm off my shoulder. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Hey," he says, raising his hands in mock-surrender. "Don't shoot the messenger! I'm just saying, man. No matter how hot Cello Maoh is, she's always going to be more trouble than she's worth. Believe me, I would know. Gotta hand it to her though. She's a little kooky, yeah, but she's sensible enough to know what we guys are really all about and ballsy enough to broadcast that she wants none of it. Most girls fool themselves that we're fodder for their sappy fairy tales and happy endings! Girls and their unrealistic expectations, pfft! It's the stuff of fiction! Girls're all that same generic sociopathic brand of crazy, you know? Cello Maoh is just a higher-end psychotic kind of crazy."

"Thanks," I muttered under my breath, shaking my head as he made circular motions with his finger over his temple to further illustrate the exaggerated 'loony' expression he was making. "For the record, I don't envy your reality." He only laughed some more as I furiously swatted away his hand which had patronizingly left a pat or two on my head before he got up and started to leave. My sigh of relief is further put on hold as he stopped by the doorjamb.

"Just remember, Gohan. There're things that're meant to be and things that just aren't, no matter what you want to believe. Life would be less complicated if we learned to live within those limits, is all I'm saying." He finally shuffles out. But, again, suddenly sticks his head back in, all sly smiles. "I'm guessing you're not so numb down there anymore, amirite? At least now we can rule out the possibility that you're gay. Oh, and you're welcome."

I was alone in the infirmary soon after, with nothing but the ache in my loins to commiserate with. But I happily welcomed the solitude like it was my new best friend. Trunks' uncalled for exposition left me with simmering feelings of unease. Mostly irritation. The rest, confusion. I'd be lying if I denied that Cello Maoh was beautiful—dazzling, even. I couldn't help but admire that aspect about her a lot. (Frankly, I don't think anyone could, not even her enemies).

But to debase my intentions that way? Trunks was waaaay out of line.

I didn't understand where all the bitterness and angst were coming from. Sure, Trunks didn't exactly grow up in a warm and fuzzy loving environment, but he didn't have it anywhere near "bad" at any point in his life either. Plus with how smashingly he was always doing with the female crowd? You'd never think he was carrying all that emotional baggage.

Oh, fuck that. I had bigger problems to sort out than Trunks' misplaced 'emo' persona. The point was that he was supposed to be my friend and yet he practically condemned me to the firing line along with all the other shmucks who didn't respect women especially Cello Maoh. I wasn't anything like them and I didn't need anyone to validate that, not even Mr Trunks "Jaded Casanova" Briefs.

Setting aside how crassly Trunks drove his point, I did (after some effort) manage to extract the merit in his words. From an objective point of view it did look bad; with the way I was following a girl around like some shady pervert.

If I was going to prove—not to anyone else but Cello Maoh herself—that I wasn't like the rest of her blighters, I knew I had to be able to at least answer the question:

What did I really want?

That primal part in me that Trunks spoke of (not only in the male species but in all of us, that part that kept us human) did sympathize with the men who bothered her. I didn't condone their actions but it didn't mean that I didn't understand them (at least, to some degree). Cello Maoh was not only beautiful, she was desirable, and her stubborn indignation only amplified that. Maybe Trunks was challenging me in his own fucked up way or maybe he just wanted to be an ass.

Either way, I was going to prove him wrong. While he wasn't wrong about dark desires being inherent in all humans, it didn't necessarily mean that we were stuck with whatever we were born with. Humans are capable of both good and bad things. To me, it's which part we choose to act on that matters. (Why do I feel like I've heard that in a superhero movie somewhere before?) I knew my motives were not that. Cello Maoh was not some conquest or trophy I was competing for.

I know it sounds crazy but—I felt like she was sending out SOS signals on a very specific frequency. My frequency. And it's what told me things. Things that you couldn't explain with words but just knew in your heart. Things like: there was something I needed to do for her, something only I was going to be able to do. I can't explain why or how, but I just understood. I understood who Cello Maoh was even if technically, I still knew close to nothing about her then.

I know what you're thinking.

I admit, it feels exactly like I am, but I know I'm not going crazy. (At least, not in the conventional sense of the word.)

There was a beautiful world trapped inside Cello Maoh. But for some reason, she's turned herself into a prison and locked herself inside. The blazing defiance in her eyes were the iron bars that she hoped would deter anyone from coming close to those windows into her soul and peering in. She had fortified all these defences with chains of solitude and isolation. And so far, she's succeeded in fooling everybody into believing that she was a demented hopeless nutcase. Everyone but me.

Somehow, I had managed to glimpse the real her and it roused something in me that I didn't even know existed. A part of me that was completely dependent on her, feeding off those little insights into her soul and kept hungering for more. The more I saw, the more I needed to see all.

The complete picture of who Cello Maoh truly was.

I needed to be the one- I believed I could and wanted to be the one who liberated her. I was so sure that I was the only one who could; as fanciful and presumptuous as that may sound. It was the only explanation I could offer then; the answer to Trunks' question.

I just wanted—needed—to make Cello Maoh smile.

Not just any smile. A real smile. The kind of smile that was so much more than just an upturn of lips. The kind of smile that would light up her eyes in happiness and excitement instead of hatred and fear. The kind of smile that would get her to unfurl her broken wings and allow it to heal. From what exactly? At that point, I had no idea.

I know, I know. I could almost hear Trunks' scornful sniggering at my lame attempts to justify my insane actions. I knew it would only give him more fuel to pour onto the fire he had conveniently set under my ass. Oh yeah. I almost forgot. I didn't give a shit about his or anyone else's opinions anymore.

It was going to be just between me and Cello Maoh from then on.

And that was still just the beginning. I'm only just getting to the prequel that led to all the real madness.

Was I falling in love? Or losing my mind?

Was there a difference?

It didn't really matter but I didn't know it yet then, how perpetually rhetorical those boggling questions were destined to be.

Sometimes you didn't need to have all the answers. Sometimes even having all the answers won't make a speck of difference. Whatever it was, all I knew for sure was that I couldn't fight it anyway. Whatever it was, I slowly came to realize that I didn't have a choice but to surrender to it—

And free-fall.

End of Chapter 4.
Continued in Chapter 5: "Rhetorical Answers"…

Replies to Reviews:

To XZanayu:
Thank you for dropping a comment. Yes, she is pycho. But she is a babe, haha. Sometimes the prettiest things come in the craziest packages. But yeah, I hope you stick around and see how things turn out and if Gohan does find what he is looking for. XD