A/N: If I'm honest, this chapter was a little hard to write, but I'm glad that I finally finished it. It actually took me nearly a week to complete it. If any portion of it is triggering to you, please feel free to skip to the ending parts.

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Mid-March, 2015, Iowa City, Iowa

Emil felt as if he had been possessed. In the past month, he had grown so angry and tired and depressed that he could hardly manage himself anymore. He just wanted to scream and cry all the time, but he knew that wasn't acceptable. Instead, his cries for help came in the forms of lack of appetite, lack of sleep, and promiscuous behavior with Leon. He hated himself for it. Even in the middle of his "time" with Leon, he would feel so disgusted with himself.

What had happened to him? Surely he was depressed when he had arrived in America just months before, but it wasn't this bad. He could still function normally, unlike how he was now. It made him grieve who he used to be when he was alone in bed at night. No tears were ever shed, but an empty feeling of longing consumed him as he stared up at the ceiling of his darkened room. He would keep staring at the ceiling until exhaustion dragged him into a fitful slumber or the first rays of sunlight poked through his curtains.

With each day that passed, Emil's resentment toward himself grew. He hated that he never smiled anymore. He hated that his laugh was always forced. His heart ached every time he thought about how Leon must feel about all of it. How could Leon stay with someone like him? It wasn't like there weren't better people at their school who could easily replace him in the hearts of not only Leon, but all of his friends. Why would they want to be friends with a disaster like him? What could they possibly see in him? What made him "worth it" to them? Would he ever understand?

His home life wasn't going so well either. No matter how many times he insisted that he was "fine", he knew that Lukas and Mathias no longer bought it. They had even tried to convince him to see a therapist, but their efforts were in vain. Instead, they had reached an agreement that if Emil ever felt like doing something excessively harmful to himself, they would just take him to the emergency room instead. Much to his dismay, the Icelandic boy forced himself to agree. Then again, why would he tell them anything like that anyway?

While many depressing things were going on, there were joyful moments sprinkled in as well. Emil's personal favorite that he wasn't to keep forever in his memory was when Mei and Max found out that they were having a son. He had been so happy for his friends that he had forgotten about his crippling sadness for an entire day. As impressive of a feat as it was, the next day he was depressed that he couldn't have made happiness like that on his own. He felt pathetic for relying on others for happiness. It made him feel useless.

"Hey, can I talk to you about something?" Lilli asked him one night when she was sleeping over. Though she meant it as a harmless question, she could tell the weight of it on her friend as he paled. She discreetly took a deep breath before continuing. "I've been worried about you lately. Actually, we all have been. Are you okay?"

Emil sighed. "I don't understand why you guys keep bringing this up. I'm fine," he lied. "If I wasn't okay, I would tell you." Though he had felt guilty about lying to her in the beginning, he now thought of it as better to lie instead of telling her what was really going on inside of him. "I've felt distracted lately, if that's what you're getting at. Homework has been piling up, and it feels as if I'll never reach the bottom of it. But other than that, I'm good."

"Promise?" she slowly asked, holding out her pinky to him.

He hooked his pinky to hers. "I promise," he replied, the lie tasting like acid in his mouth. If only he could tell her the truth, but he didn't know if she would understand. No matter how badly he longed to just scream and cry to her about all of the negative emotions destroying his headspace, he knew that he never could. She wouldn't understand. No one would understand. But what a burden to carry alone.

"I guess stress makes you feel unlike yourself, huh?" she mused, sitting on his bed. "That's understandable, I suppose. What bothers me is that sometimes I'll see what looks like a flicker of agony in your eyes, but then it's gone the next moment. It makes me wonder if I just imagined it. After all, you promised to tell me if anything was wrong."

"That's right," Emil stated, feeling a lump of shame growing in his throat. "I would tell you if something was wrong. There's nothing you need to worry about. You would be the first to know if anything were to bother me. After all, I promised you that I'd tell you." His heart felt as if it were in the iron grip of some unknown being as he continued spouting lies to his best friend. The grip grew tighter and tighter the more he spoke. Deep down, he wondered if there was a way to make himself believe his lies so that the pain would go away.

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"Hey, Emil, can we talk for a moment?" Mathias asked, catching his brother-in-law on his way out the door one afternoon. "It'll only be a second." He internally breathed a sigh of relief as the boy turned to face him. "Look, Luke and I have been talking lately, and we believe that it would be best if you started seeing a counselor."

A burning hot fire of dread sparked in Emil's stomach at the announcement. "I'm not going," he simply stated, turning back to the door. "I know myself better than the two of you do. I know you're trying to help, but that really won't do anything for me. I'm just tired."

Deep down, he wanted to see a counselor more than anything. He felt the desire to pour his heart out to a complete stranger in an office where not a word of what he said would ever leave the four walls. He wanted to talk about how he had begun to feel that the world didn't need him as a part of it. His heart ached for someone to just listen to him and not judge him or tell him their opinions of how he should go about living. But he couldn't let himself do that. Therapy was expensive, and he didn't want Lukas and Mathias spending any more money on him than they already had. Besides, only the weird kids went to therapy. If anyone from school discovered that he was seeing a counselor, what would they think?

Mathias sighed. "Emil, it wasn't a suggestion. Your appointment is next week. We're going."

"Yeah, good luck with that, Mat," he sighed, walking out of the apartment and shutting the door a little harder than he wanted to. For a moment, he just stood out in the hallways, fighting back the urge to cry. Why did he have to make them worry? Why was he such a burden on his family? It didn't matter if they wanted what was best for him. Why couldn't he just stop being a financial parasite?

Quickly wiping away the tears that threatened to escape his eyes, he made his way to the elevator. What could he do to make sure he would stop being a burden? Could he get a job? Would Lukas and Mathias allow him to get a job? Then again, could he even get one if his immigration papers hadn't fully gone through yet? It was already difficult enough for them to enroll him into the high school. And there it was again, the guilt of forcing his brothers to go to great lengths for him. The knot in his stomach tightened.

The more he thought about it on his ride to the lobby, the more the idea of seeing a counselor appealed to him. He wished that there was a way to make it happen without spending his brothers' money or feeling the stigma of being one of them. His heart grew heavier and heavier as he began to think of what his friends would think of him seeing a counselor.

Of course Leon would be fine with it, because they had already talked about mental health before, back when Emil had first arrived. Lilli and Natalia would probably support the decision, especially since Lilli tended to worry about him a little too much lately. Mei and Max had too much on their hands with the baby to really put in much input, though Emil didn't really know if that was a good or bad thing. And since Raivis and Neoklis didn't really say much, he knew that they wouldn't mind. Laura would probably give him a big, supportive hug. But it was Yong-Soo that he was the most worried about. That boy had an odd sense of humor, and Emil just knew that if he were to find out about him going to a counselor, he would jokingly call him "crazy". Even if it were only a joke in the Korean boy's eyes, it would still hurt.

Emil wrapped his arms around himself for a brief moment. He hugged himself, squeezing maybe a little too tightly, but it was all he could think of to do to keep himself from falling apart. Tears threatened to escape his eyes as he tightened his grip. He wouldn't let them. His own internal struggle wasn't even worth his tears. Boys didn't cry like this. Boys had to be tough for everyone else around them. They didn't need to cry. If he actually cried in public like this, it would just prove that he's too weak to even be considered a boy.

The elevator dinged as he reached the lobby. Before the doors opened, Emil quickly rested his hands back at his sides, missing the warmth of an embrace already. It was a good thing he was headed to Leon's house. He knew that Leon would hold him for as long as he desired. Though he didn't want to fall apart in front of his boyfriend, he knew that Leon would be the only person to ever understand if he did.

He stepped out of his apartment building and began walking up Linn Street toward Burlington Street. Yet as he reached the corner intersection of the two, the red hand on the crosswalk light seemed to beckon him instead of hold him back. Resisting the temptation of stepping out into heavy traffic, he impatiently waited for the person to pop up on the light and signal that it was safe to cross. And as he crossed, he wished that some high-speed chase would come barreling through the intersection and mow him down in a quick and simple death. At least if he died, that wouldn't technically be his fault. No one would know that it was what he had wanted.

Once he finally arrived at Leon's house, his boyfriend quickly swept him into a greeting hug. Feeling the warmth and love emanating from the Asian boy, Emil's facade crumbled in a matter of seconds. He grasped Leon tightly in his arms, burying his face into the other boy's shoulder to keep him from seeing his tears.

"Let's go to my room and talk about this," Leon simply said, rubbing his boyfriend's back comfortingly as his shoulder grew more and more damp. Knowing that Emil needed the embrace at the moment, he made to awkwardly shuffle down the hallways toward his bedroom, never once letting go of him.

Leon shut the door to his room after gently resting Emil on the edge of his bed. He then moved back over to the bed and sat on his boyfriend's lap as the Icelandic boy finally stopped crying. With careful movements, he wiped Emil's tears away and placed gentle kisses on his eyelids. Wishing that he could take away whatever pain led to him behaving this way, he spoke softly and gently. "What happened, Em? Are you okay?"

Just hearing those sweet words coming from the human he loved the most nearly made him fall apart once again. "Mathias and Lukas worry too much," he began, furiously wiping his eyes to stop the tears that once again threatened to spill. "They made me an appointment with a counselor without even asking me first. I don't want to go, Leon. I don't need to see one. I'm fine."

"But are you fine?" the Asian boy quietly asked. He cupped Emil's face in his hands and turned it toward him so they could make eye contact. "At this moment, you don't look fine to me." His lips pressed to his boyfriend's forehead as he pulled him into a hug. "It's okay to not be fine, Emil. It's okay to hurt and to fall apart like this. It's okay." He softly repeated that last sentence a few more times as he could feel Emil shaking with sobs in his arms. "You should go to the counselor, Em. Maybe you would feel better talking to a stranger about everything going on in your head." Leon sighed. "I know the idea of it sounds scary, but it might make you feel better. And if you're worried about anyone finding out and saying shit, I'll deal with them. All I want is for you to smile again. Like, truly smile again. Though you may be fooling others, you're not fooling me, Emil. I know you're hurting right now, and I hate that I can't do anything to help."

Emil squeezed Leon tightly. "Don't say that," he whimpered. "You're what's keeping me sane, Leon. You may think that you're not doing anything, but the truth of it is that you're helping me so much just by merely existing. If you weren't in my life, then I doubt I would still be…" He let his voice trail off, not even daring to finish such a terrible confession. Did he really feel that way? Was that what his mental state had come to? If Leon didn't exist, would he have killed himself? Truly?

Worried by his boyfriend's words, Leon felt a pull in his heart, but he chose to say nothing. Instead, he just held Emil until he had calmed down and then snuggled up to him as they watched movies in his room. If he could help his love in any way possible, then he would gladly do so.

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Instead of going straight home to his apartment, Emil decided to go to a different apartment. He stopped a couple floors before his own and knocked at a door. There was a quick shuffling of feet on the other side before the door opened, revealing Tino Oxenstierna. The small, plump man seemed surprised to see the teenager at his door.

"Emil?" he asked. "Is everything okay? You usually don't stop by unannounced." Tino stepped back to make room for Emil to enter. "Here, come inside."

The Icelandic boy took the invitation and entered the apartment, slipping off his shoes. "It's quiet in here," he thought aloud.

"Ber took the boys to the store to get things for their science projects," Tino explained before leading the way into the kitchen and gesturing for Emil to sit at the table. He took the seat opposite of Emil's. "Sorry that it's just me here." He let out a small chuckle before growing more serious. "What's going on, Emil?"

Emil sat in the chair and then buried his face in his hands. "I don't understand what's going on with me, Tino. It's so hard to talk to Lukas and Mathias about it, because they already do so much for me." He looked up at the man across the table from him. "Why can't they understand how guilty that makes me feel?"

The Finnish man nodded sagely. "I understand," he replied. "That's the thing about being a family, though. Do you think that your mother ever expected you to pay her back for taking care of you?" After a moment, he saw Emil shake his head no. "Well, it's the same with your brothers. When they brought you here, they accepted all financial responsibility for you. They don't want you to pay them back unless if they explicitly ask for you to. All they want is to give you the best life that they can. That also means that they want you to tell them if there's anything wrong so they can try to fix it." Tino sighed. "You are so loved, Emil, and by so many people. Everyone who knows you wants to see you succeed, and they'll do anything they can to help you along the way."

Tino then chuckled to himself. "You know, I've been preparing myself for this type of conversation ever since Peter was a baby. I didn't imagine that I would be having it with a child who wasn't mine first." He then smiled at Emil. "But I don't mind it at all." He paused. "I don't know if you're aware of this, but Erland is Berwald's son from a previous marriage. He married me about a year after his wife passed in childbirth. We fostered Peter not long after. When Peter was five, we were able to adopt him, so we did. Peter had never known any family other than us, and though I know he knows he's adopted, I don't believe he thinks about it too much. But I also have reason to believe that he thinks Erland is adopted as well." He then laughed. "Look at me, going off on a tangent. What I meant by all of that is that Berwald and I chose to bring Peter into our home. We want only what's best for him. We would never expect him to repay our kindness. Lukas and Mathias feel the same about you."

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When Emil got home that night, he discovered Lukas and Mathias in the middle of an intense discussion in the kitchen. Lukas looked up at him from his perch on a countertop as he entered. His gaze was level and serious. Mathias did the same from his stool at the island counter.

"Have a seat, Emil," Lukas calmly said, nodding to a stool at the island. "I want to talk to you about something."

The younger brother slowly moved to the stool and sat down. There was a sinking feeling in his chest that he couldn't bring himself to ignore. It felt as if his guilt from sassing Mathias earlier were eating him alive from the inside out. He felt as if he would vomit at any second. "What's up?" he managed to grind out. His voice sounded foreign to his ears.

"I heard Mathias told you about your counseling appointment earlier," he began. He paused for a moment. "And I heard what you said back to him. Look, Emil, I don't know what you're upset about in regards to seeing a counselor. We only set it up because we've noticed how you've been acting lately. We're worried because you won't talk to us about what's bothering you. All we want to do is help, but it's hard to do that when you're rejecting us. Talk to me, Emil. What's really going on? What is the real issue with everything?"

His tears escaped his eyes before the words could escape his lips. Though he had cried all afternoon and considered his eyes had dried up, there he was crying again. He couldn't even form the proper words. All he could do was just sit there and sob like a scolded child. Yet something about crying in front of his brothers felt like more of a relief than crying in front of Leon.

There was a scraping of the legs of the barstool on the linoleum floor and frantic footsteps before Emil was embraced tightly by both of his brothers. And with the security of two loving embraces, he continued sobbing all while telling them everything that he had felt lately.

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Later that night, as Emil was preparing for bed, Lukas knocked on his open door before slowly entering. "I wanted to thank you for being honest earlier, Em," he began. "There was no way that any of that was easy to do. I'm proud of you for finally telling the truth." He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry that you've felt that way for so long. It makes me wish that there was something I could do. Then again, after what you've said about feeling like a burden to us, I bet it would've made you feel worse." He sat on his brother's bed. "I just wanted to make one thing clear. We chose to bring you here with us, Emil. We wanted you to come with us. Your schooling, feeding you, taking care of you, those are all things that we knew we were getting ourselves into. They were all things that we wanted to do for you. You'll never be a burden."

Emil gulped down the lump forming in his throat at his brother's words. "Is it alright if I make a request?" he asked.

"Name it."

"You have the day off from work tomorrow, right?" he slowly asked. "Can I just stay home with you tomorrow? I just really don't want to go to school until I've calmed down enough to function properly."

Lukas smiled at his younger brother. "Mental health day it is," he decided. "Tomorrow, let's just hang out, order takeout, and watch movies all day."

Feeling as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders, Emil smiled back. "I'd like that," he stated. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me," his older brother replied. "I just want to make sure that you're okay. You've been silently suffering for months. This is the least I could do." He thought for a moment. "Fuck it, let's go get some froyo in the ped mall."

Feeling his smile widen, Emil quickly grabbed his jacket and followed his brother out the door.

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The next day was just as Lukas had promised. Emil woke up with no rush, and when he came out to the kitchen, Lukas sat there with a mug of coffee as he read a book. Everything seemed so peaceful and perfect, that Emil poured himself a bowl of cereal and relished the quiet atmosphere. For the first time in months, he felt peace within himself. He no longer had to fake happiness for his brothers, and he didn't have to worry about going to school that day. Today, he could just take things slow and steady.

Once they finished with breakfast, Lukas drove them to a movie rental store and ordered takeout on his phone. They picked out only the cheesiest-looking B-movies, ready to critique everything about them as they watched and laughed. The food was hot and filled the car with a delicious aroma when they picked it up. It was nearly intoxicating.

Back home, Lukas and Emil changed back into their pajamas, dedicated to the fact that neither of them were venturing back out of the apartment for the rest of the day. If they needed anything, they would just send Mathias when he was off work. It was the first time that the two of them would have an entire day to hang out together, and neither of them was going to let it go to waste.

That night, as Emil prepared for bed, he knew he was ready to go to school the next morning. He felt okay, and knew that his normal life would pick up in the morning. But just for that day, he truly felt satisfied with everything around him.