I've been in Dallas for the National Sexual Assault Conference, which was awesome by the way. Everyone attending was offered to attend a screening of "I AM EVIDENCE" which is Mariska's documentary. It was amazing, I cried, and you get to hear Mariska say "Fuck you".
"I told you detective, I can press-"
"Shhhh…" Olivia hummed as she walked slowly closer to him. "Let's cut to the chase, Nigel." She said, then lightly put her hand over her cleavage. "May I call you Nigel?" She asked seductively.
Nigel's face changed and contorted in a mixture of confusion and arousal but nodded slowly.
The brunette detective gave him a small smile as she glanced around the room, taking her hand out of her trench coat pocket.
"You see Nigel… I know that men have needs…." She shot him another seductive smile. His mouth was agape.
"But when a wife can't fill those needs… men have to look elsewhere…" She continued, eyeing him. Olivia had on heavy eye liner and eyeshadow on purpose. She'd even re-applied her lipstick as well.
Elliot was listening in on the wiretap that they'd put on her for security purposes. If he was being honest, he about died when she walked out in front of him and Ash Ramsey. Her make-up, the high heeled leather boots. She was killing him, she was killing them both really and probably any man in the vicinity that could see her.
"Yes…" Nigel agreed hesitantly.
"But sometimes, those needs are misunderstood…" Olivia lowered her voice to a whisper as she tilted her head down and looked at the him with hooded eyes.
Olivia's voice went straight to Elliot's groin. He couldn't help it. Her voice was going straight to Nigel's groin for that matter too.
"Those needs are sometimes judged unfairly by society…" Olivia continued as she walked around the chair in Nigel's office, getting closer to the man who was now practically drooling over the seasoned detective.
The brunette tugged tightly on her trench coat, straightening it out before speaking again.
"On your knees, worm." She seductively demanded. Nigel stared at her in astonishment.
"Now!" She yelled at him with force.
He instantly dropped to his knees and outside the office door, Ramsey readied himself with the camera.
"I want you to lick my boot…" Olivia said. "Lick it!" She yelled at the man who instantly darted out his tongue and began licking her leather boot up and down as Ramsey ran in to snap photos.
Nigel looked up instantly as the camera's flash went off.
"Get up!" Olivia ordered after Ramsey had gotten his photos. She was trying not to be too harsh on Nigel. She wanted him to know that she was pissed and judging him for helping Ann steal money, and not judging him on what he did with his sex life and what he liked in the bedroom.
Ever since this thing between her and Elliot got started, she was always trying not to judge other people in their personal lives. Not like she'd judged them much before. Usually, she didn't care unless something was bad for kids or to that effect but now, she didn't always look down on cheating spouses or dating couples, at least not until she knew the whole story.
Olivia tried to think that she was at least better in some ways. She wasn't having some kind of full blown affair and Elliot clearly wasn't happy at home half the time. She'd also backed off when his wife had been pregnant. Sure, she wasn't a saint but that had to count for something, right?
"You owe me a new pair of fucking boots." She told Ramsey.
"This picture is worth ten pair of Prada…" He'd commented and she'd just snorted. Like Olivia Benson could ever afford Prada boots. Yes, the boots she had on were nice, they were her sexy boots in her opinion, the ones she saved for dates and nights out but they weren't designer. Not on a detective's salary.
They talked Nigel into pressing charges against Ann via back mailing him with the photos Ramsey had taken.
"I'm going to go get a couple of these printed off in case Nigel gets cold feet and needs a reminder…" Ash told Olivia, opting to walk down the street instead of head back to the car across the street where Elliot was sitting in the driver's seat waiting on them.
Olivia gave him a nod and headed towards Elliot. Upon climbing into the passenger's side, she saw that his jacket had been taken off and was sitting in his lap.
She eyed him cautiously.
"Ash isn't coming with us, he's going to print off a couple of those photos just in case…"
Elliot nodded and put the car into drive, slowly pulling away from the curb.
"You gonna remove your jacket from your lap?" Olivia asked lightly, giving him a side glance.
"Wasn't planning on it." Elliot simply replied without looking at her.
"Is it for the reason I'm thinking it is?" She asked him, now fully turning to look at him. His face was slightly flushed, she knew he was turned on. She knew he would be when he was listening to her on the feedback monitor, she just wasn't sure how much it'd affect him.
"Probably…" Elliot shrugged as he lightly pushed on the break due to the upcoming red light.
Olivia gently reached over and removed the jacket.
"Jesus…" She commented as she looked at his erection. Elliot was fully hard, that much was clear, but her voice shouldn't have done that to him, not her voice alone. It'd been a couple of months since they'd done anything.
If he was getting that hard this easily, it was proof that he wasn't getting laid at home, which is what Olivia was beginning to suspect.
Elliot only closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose as he came to a complete stop at the red light.
"Please, just put the jacket back…" He whispered in a mixture of pain and embarrassment.
"You really not getting any at home, are you?" Olivia asked, throwing the jacket in the back seat instead of listening to his wishes.
Elliot only huffed in response, then started driving again as the light turned green.
Olivia bit her lip and thought for a moment. She knew what she wanted to do but she also knew she shouldn't do it.
"I'm gonna take a quick cold shower when I get back…" He told her, bringing her out of her thoughts. Truth be told, Elliot hadn't decided if he was just going to take a cold shower, or going to get off in the shower.
"And walk through the squad room with that?" She asked, nodding towards his lap in seriousness.
But Elliot was off, he was acting out of sorts.
"Don't do this to me…" He whispered as she shook his head from side-to-side. "Don't give me crap, please, not about this. I can't control it. You know that, you know that's how it works…" Elliot huffed again and then sighed as if it were a losing battle.
Olivia's mouth hung open slightly. She hadn't been trying to give him a hard time or make fun of him.
"Pull over." She demanded instantly.
"No." He shot back.
"Now, or I do it for you…" She responded, placing her hand on the wheel.
Elliot had no doubt that she would keep her word so he rolled his eyes and pulled the car into a vacant alley that was familiar to both of them.
"What?" He nearly groaned as he looked at her, but her face was soft and full of concern.
"This isn't just about the erection, is it?" Olivia asked him carefully.
"I'm fine." Was his immediate response.
She almost chuckled.
"That's my line…" Olivia told him. "Things aren't okay at home, are they?" She asked quietly.
Elliot bit his lip. "Everything's fine, Liv." He told her.
"It's not, I can tell. But you don't have to tell me what's going on. I just wanted to know if you were okay…" She confessed, giving him a small smile.
Elliot sighed and shook his head, closing his eyes tightly. He didn't want to talk to Olivia about his marriage or the other stuff that was going on with him, not right now. She didn't deserve to have him dump all of his shit on her, especially with the way things had been going with them lately.
He didn't have long to contemplate his thoughts though, because the next thing he knew, he felt her hand on his pants, undoing the button quickly and then starting to pull down the zipper.
Elliot's hands flew to her instantly, stilling their movements.
"No." He said firmly, shooting her a look.
Olivia's hands stopped moving immediately. He was revoking consent, and while it stung a little, she would respect his wishes.
"Why?" She asked, but he was aware she'd stopped moving against him. She was respectful, always had been and always would be.
"Because." He answered flatly, removing his hands from hers and gazing out his window so he wouldn't have to look at her.
Olivia placed her hands back in her lap, trying to think of what to say.
"Because why?" She asked again, trying to catch his eyes but it was no use, he was looking all the way to his left. "I thought you liked it when I…"
"I do." He said, turning and shooting her a look. "I do, Liv. But you don't, not unless there's a reason behind it and then… it's just complicated, okay?" Elliot tried.
She bit her lip, contemplating where she should go from here.
"I do like it too, El." Olivia said softly. He almost scoffed.
He shook his head again and began staring out the windshield.
"No, you don't. Not unless it's necessary. It's not necessary now so you don't want to do it and to be honest, that's fine, Liv. I have other ways to get my needs filled."
Ouch. Damn, she hoped to god he hadn't been referring to Kathy just then because that sentence stung too. But he was hurting, that much was clear to her, she just wasn't sure why.
"Don't tell me what I do and don't like." Olivia told him lightly. "I'm a grown woman… if I want to suck my partner's cock, then that's what I want to do…"
He looked at her after that statement and saw that she was shooting him a smile. Elliot bit the inside of his cheek and lightly laughed.
"I want to do this, I don't mind it, and I think you do need it, if you really want me to justify it in some way…" Olivia stated. "So, I'm going to ask you again… can I do this? Because you've stopped me once and I won't start back, not until I have your permission."
Elliot eyed her, he was contemplating what she was saying, weighing her words.
"Okay…" He said in a hushed voice as he took a deep breath.
"Okay?" She asked again for concern and consent purposes.
"Yeah…" Elliot nodded and readjusted himself in his seat, leaning back more.
Then Olivia did something that she usually doesn't do. She leaned forward and grabbed his chin with her right hand, and planted a tender kiss on his cheek. Elliot's eyes closed briefly at the contact and comfort, like he was soaking it up, like it would be a long time before something like that happened to him again.
That was all the confirmation she needed to know that he wasn't okay, that things with Kathy were not okay. And not just in the bedroom. Not having sex is one thing but Elliot seemed deprived not only on a sexual level but on a physical and emotional level as well.
"You have my permission to grab my hair, to speed me up or slow me down… but I control how deep." She quickly explained, looking him in the eyes to register confirmation that he'd understood.
Elliot only smiled and looked past her at their surroundings.
"Liv…" He started. "From day one, you controlled everything in this partnership." He stated, giving her a thin smile, which she returned.
It was true. From day one of their partnership, he knew he was in trouble. Not because she was a sexy woman, who was arguably sexier now than she was then, and not because she had a tight ass and nice tits, also arguably better now. It was because he could see past her body and into her brain and heart.
Elliot Stabler had seen that his new partner was a breath of fresh air, someone who had a heart, a passion for the job but also knew what she was doing. It hadn't taken him long to realize that she was a lioness, the mama bear of SVU. He thought he figured it out before she even had.
…
Flashback:
Their first real case had been when a man's penis was cut off. It'd been hard on Olivia but that was normal for the newbies. The first case is usually the hardest. In SVU, there were rarely any easy ones.
They'd IDed the wife finally and made a house call. Olivia had her victims' services cards in hand and ready to distribute. Elliot had sat with the four-year-old son while Olivia talked to the now widowed wife.
Olivia was full of passion, he could tell by the way she was speaking to the wife, holding her hand and making eye contact. She was going by the book on how to comfort a grieving family member.
She'd also been able to tell how heartfelt Elliot was. He'd offered the widow his condolences, said he was sorry for her loss, and briefly griped her shoulder. It was rehearsed lines but heartfelt. Olivia could tell and it had made her happy that she had such a caring and compassionate partner to work with, especially since she was a child of rape and had her fair share of darkness to deal with.
Elliot had also seen fire in Olivia's eyes the next day they'd gone back to see the wife.
"You lied to me yesterday." Olivia had harshly spat at the widower when they'd had their second interview with her.
Apparently, Elliot's new brunette partner did not like being lied to. As the wife tried to explain her reasoning, Elliot had gazed at Olivia, who was completely unaware of his assessment. She stood with her arms crossed over her chest, it was like she was a completely different person than the passionate, caring woman who had been with the widower the previous day.
The woman only seemed to fuel Olivia's fire, stating about how her husband was the best father and man that she'd known, that he was a great person, which really pissed Olivia off.
"Let me ask you something…" Olivia stated darkly, inching closer to the woman's face. "How does it feel to sleep with a man who's raped dozens of helpless women?" There was a fire in her eyes that Elliot had never seen before. It was a mixture of hate for the man she was referring to and passion for doing her job.
Then the yelling match had started. The wife had started it but Olivia had no problem trying to finish it.
Elliot had placed himself in between both women but faced Olivia, grabbing her shoulders gently and ushering her to the door before she caused a problem for herself.
"Well, that's the dumbest move I've seen you make…" Elliot commented when they were walking back to the car, which wasn't actually saying much because they hadn't been partners for long.
Olivia scoffed at him. "She wasn't gonna be any help…" She said quietly, looking both ways before crossing the street.
"Well, she's not now…" He said back to her, following her trail to the car.
"That woman knew what her husband was… she knew what he did, what he was doing and she still fucked him! She still let him around her kid!" Olivia half yelled in a fit of rage.
"You're in trouble if she drops a dime on you, you just verbally harassed the wife of a murder victim!" Elliot put to her, trying to get her to see reason.
"She lied to a police officer, if anything, she'd guilty of obstruction!" Olivia responded.
They were both correct.
Elliot huffed. "You're on thin ice with Cragen…" He confessed as he entered the driver's side of their sedan.
"How's that?" She cocked a look at him.
"He's already worried about you… he is leaning towards pulling you off the case…"
"Fine…" Olivia shrugged as she got situated into her seat. "Let him…"
"No." Elliot told her calmly. "If you're off the case, you're out of the unit. This is a volunteer unit, sex crimes. You requested to be here."
Olivia was now becoming angry with him. "I'm a good cop…" She whispered as she looked down.
"I know." He assured her, nudging her lightly so she'd look at him. "I like you being my partner too, we got a good thing here. We vibe well. Let's not fuck it up, okay?" He gave her a small smile.
Olivia was a lot shyer back then. She'd shook her head and given her silent agreement then managed to stare out the window for the duration of the ride back to the station.
They reported back to Cragen then went to question another possible suspect. Turns out, the woman was blind, do to their murder vic. But because of her disability, she couldn't have committed the crime.
Olivia told the young woman, who by now they'd figured out was one of his rape victims, that he was dead. Then Olivia threw up on the way to their car.
Elliot huffed and ran his hand down his face and she finished and made it back to the car.
"Maybe I should talk to Cragen… this unit can be hard to handle… it's not for everyone." He'd told her, and he was right, it wasn't for everyone but it was exactly right for Olivia Benson.
"No." She'd told him with determination.
Elliot couldn't fault her. There'd been several times over the past few years that he'd thrown up too due to cases. It was mostly when he first started but there'd been a couple of bad ones along the way where he'd seen things that had made him sick to his stomach.
Then the next day, they'd gone to interview another woman who was one of his suspected victims. Only the husband and child were home, and the child was clearly the offspring of their murder vic, which meant he was a child of rape.
Olivia and Elliot exited the building slowly, Olivia had a tightening in her chest, a heartache for that little boy and what he was about to grow up with, the burden that was now upon him unknowingly.
"Stephon is the father of that boy." Olivia told Elliot.
"Yeah, he is…" Elliot agreed and turned around to face her, making eye contact. "That doesn't change anything…" He offered.
Olivia was overcome with a small, shy smile even though her anxiety was through the roof.
"I'm still on the job, Elliot." She'd told him.
He smiled back. "I knew you would be… I just, I've got your back. Some of these cases are gonna be hard. They'll hit you in the heart where it hurts, the same goes for me. It happens." He explained.
"Thanks…" She offered in an awkward whisper.
Olivia had confessed her biggest secret pretty early on in their partnership. A couple of days after Cragen had introduced them and paired them up, they'd had dinner together and a sort of 'get to know you' type conversation.
It was important to know your partner, especially if you were expected to trust them to have your back, to trust them with your life.
So, Olivia had been up front about herself.
"I'm just going to say it and get it out of the way." She'd told him as she nervously glanced around her living room. They'd opted to have dinner at her place rather than his because he had four kids and neither one of them would ever get a word in let alone be able to have a conversation. "My mom was raped, then I was born. I'm the child of rape." Olivia had blurted out.
Elliot took a minute to digest her information. He'd cocked his head to the side and gazed at her, gaging her reaction just as she was doing him.
"Okay." He'd said. "If you need anything, if I can help with any kind of support or anything like that as your partner, you let me know. That's tough and it sucks but I've got your back. You need to take a step back and take a moment, do it." Elliot had told her.
She'd given him a small smile. His response had been better than the looks of pity and the "I'm sorry" that she usually got from the very few people that she did tell.
Olivia had nodded in confirmation but then changed the subject. She'd only told him because she felt like he needed to know because he was now her partner. Cragen knew as well. But it wasn't something that she was read to talk about with Elliot, not until she knew him better and figured out how he worked.
So, on the side walk after seeing the boy which was clearly a product of rape, just like her, she'd done what he told her she could do. She took a step back and needed a breather.
"Can I drop you off somewhere?" Elliot asked, looking at his watch because he had to go to a conference with one of his daughter's teachers.
"I'm gonna take a breather and walk this off… I'll meet you back at the station." Olivia had told him, giving him a small smile to let him know that she was okay.
Elliot had nodded and left, letting her go.
She'd ended up going to the woman's work and confronting her there but the woman had out right told Olivia about being raped every night for twenty-three days and she went into grave detail that almost left Olivia in tears.
Then she'd called Elliot and told him what he'd done, and he'd been angry of course.
Later, Olivia had had dinner with her mother. It was one of the few nice dinners that she would ever have with her mother before her untimely death. It was also one of the only dinners where she'd gotten emotional with her mom. Olivia didn't let her guard down with her mom often, in fact, it was very rare because of the abuse that she had suffered at her mother's hand.
As an adult, Olivia had more control of her emotions but she still didn't trust her mother and it made her sad to know that she never would be able to. Her mother was an abuser and an alcoholic.
"I hate him for what he did to you." Olivia had told her mother, referring to her mother's rapist. This case was getting to her. It was one of the first times that Olivia had actually talked about her mother's rapist to her mother.
"So do I, but if he hadn't, I wouldn't have you." Serena said as she smiled, but Olivia wanted to scoff. Her entire childhood, her mother had made it known to her that she was an unwanted product of rape during her alcoholic rants. And if she hadn't told Olivia with words, she'd shown it as she'd taken out her rage on her.
Olivia didn't think her mother honestly remembered half of the things she'd done while drunk and Olivia herself did her best to block as much out as possible but every now and then something would happen that would trigger a memory here or there.
The case wrapped up and Olivia ended up helping the two women that killed their murder victim get off because she related to them too much. At the end of the day, Cragen had yelled at her and told her she'd used her one 'get out of jail free' card.
She'd just nodded and left his office, then retreated to the bunks upstairs.
Elliot wanted to follow her, he wanted to comfort his new partner but he couldn't. She needed time to digest surviving her first case. She needed a breather and she was probably shedding some tears, which was good for her and her system. It would relieve stress.
Olivia and Elliot weren't close enough yet that he could go check on her, go comfort her, or at least give her words of encouragement. It would be a while before that phase of their partnership kicked in.
…
Present Day:
Olivia leaned over and eased his zipper down as Elliot rested his head against his seat, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He felt like he was on fire, and not the kind from being aroused. The kind of fire that you get from stress and the struggles that come with life.
Getting an erection from Olivia had only fueled his flame more, it'd just made his day, his life, more complicated but if she wanted to be so persistent upon fixing that problem, then he'd give in and let her, at least for now.
She looked at his face and took in his features as she freed him from his pants and began to massage his hardened member in her hands.
Elliot bit his lip and his eyes pressed shut more tightly then they had before.
She reached into the glove box with her right hand, retrieving a hand full of Kleenex to place in his lap to soak up the mess that they were about to make. She was making it clear that she wasn't planning on swallowing and Elliot could care less. He'd never ask that of her, ever. It was sexy as hell to him and a big turn on but he knew that some women felt degraded and grossed out by it.
He'd never asked a woman to swallow his semen and he never would. That's just the type of man he was.
Olivia was tender as she massaged his penis, which now had a purplish tint to it. She ran her thumb gently over his tip, rubbing his pre-cum around and causing Elliot to gasp lightly. His left arm was resting on the driver's side door and his right hand had landed on her upper left thigh.
"Stay away from my crotch…" She commanded in a serious tone but lightly as to not break the mood. Elliot complied, understanding her and moved his right hand to her upper back instead as Olivia leaned over his lap and began moving her tongue from the base of his dick to the tip.
"Mmmm…" Elliot let out a low moan.
Olivia's hair was pooling around her face as a curtain to what she was currently doing but it didn't matter, his eyes were still slammed shut anyways.
Elliot had never been one to completely shave his balls and private area, although he never let it look like a forest either. He always kept it somewhere in between.
Olivia's head dipped lower and to the side as she swirled her tongue around his balls that were covered in a small amount of hair. She never really liked it when men completely shaved but she didn't like it bushy either.
"Jesus Christ, Olivia…" Elliot whispered harshly as she finally took his tip into her mouth, then engulfed him fully, warming his dick with her mouth as her tongue flicked over his tip.
He was saying her name and she didn't protest.
Elliot finally opened his eyes and tilted his head down to gaze at her work. He took both hands and scooper her hair out of her face, holding it together in his right hand and resting that hand on top of her head.
He wouldn't control her speed even though she'd given him permission. He also wasn't going to pull her hair. Not now. Maybe another time down the road when he wasn't so stressed and emotionally conflicted, but not now.
Olivia used her right hand to massage the base of his dick as she bobbed her head up and down, with her left hand stretched out and bracing herself against the driver's side door, just slightly above where his left arm was resting.
"Fuck…" Elliot hissed as he watched her work his dick with her mouth. A small strand of her hair escaped his grasp and hung down by her face.
As she continued her work, he stared at her even more intently, taking in all of her features. The way her mouth fit over him made her look like a seductive goddess.
Occasionally, she'd tilt her head back to the right and look up at him with hooded, innocent eyes, as if she didn't know she was turning him on more just by sending him that glance.
The sucking sound's she'd make every now and then pushed him closer to his finish line. This was by far the best she'd ever given him with her mouth. She was taking her time and making sure to pleasure him and touch him in every way possible even though they didn't really have a ton of time.
Ramsey was off getting the photos printed and they were supposed to either head back to the precinct or get take a lunch… Elliot supposed this would count as at least one of them having eaten something….
"Ooooooh, that's good… that's so fucking good, Liv…" He'd nearly moaned out as she'd added the gentle scrape of her teeth. Not too much but just enough to tickle and make him tingle with anticipation of the orgasm that was to come.
Then, she went back to bobbing her head up and down, flicking her tongue, and quickening her pace. He was getting close.
"Shit…" Elliot hissed out as he closed his eyes shut and gritted his teeth, trying to prolong his pleasure before he exploded but she sped up her movements even more.
"Okay, I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum…" He warned her quickly so she could have enough time to remove her mouth before he exploded. Elliot removed his hand from her hair and settled his arm over the back side of the passenger seat, gripping onto the head rest.
Olivia hummed lightly and pulled back but remained slightly hunched over his lap so she could finish her task at hand – literally.
She quickly moved the tissues closer to his dick, then let her right hand massaged his ball sack as her left hand jerked him off at a quick pace.
"Shitshitshit!" Elliot stammered as he came. "Oh god, oh fuck!" His face contorted tightly. "Ahhh…" He moaned as his breath hitched and he pressed his head into the head rest of his seat with his eyes shut.
Semen covered her hands as he tried to aim his penis at the tissues but he wasn't squirting during this climax, it was more of gushing.
Olivia took in his sounds of pleasure. Sometimes, she wished she had a recording of them so she could play it as she used her vibrator on herself, which was becoming more and more often over these past two months.
She kept up her hand movements, although slowing down significantly. Olivia was well aware of how sensitive private parts could become after a powerful orgasm.
After she was sure he was done and was empty, she reached into the still open glove box to grab more tissues to wipe off her hands, then cleaned him up. She made sure to put the dirty tissues in the plastic bag that they used for trash. She'd throw it in the trashcan outside of the station when they got back.
Olivia even tucked his penis back into his pants and zipped them up and buttoned them for him. Then she retrieved the baby wipes that they kept in the car to clean her hands from being sticky.
"Hey…" Olivia called to him softly when she realized he was still in the same position but now had a couple of tears running down his cheek. "El?" She said silently.
Elliot opened his eyes and sat up, trying to wipe his face quickly.
"I need some air…" He said as he quickly exited the car and swiftly started walking down the alley way.
Olivia jumped out of the car and was on his heels fast.
"Stop." She commanded lightly but he kept up with his swift walk so she grabbed his arm and yanked him backwards. "Stop!" she demanded.
And he did. He turned around to face her.
"What was that? Just now, back there?" She asked him, pointing towards the car. "What happened?"
"I'm fine." He insisted, giving her a look. But she could read him too well. That was the look of a man who was anything but fine.
"Liar…" She called to him calmly, testing the waters and lightening the mood in the tiniest bit.
Elliot shrugged. He wasn't even going to deny it and that worried her too.
"What's going on? I know it wasn't that bad…" She joked with him. "I mean, I know I'm not the best but come on…" She said, getting closer to him and lightly jabbing him in the side with her elbow, causing him to smile as he stared at the ground.
"I've just been under a lot of stress lately…" Elliot told her.
"What kind of stress?" She asked but he went quiet at her question. "El, I'm here for you, you know that but you've gotta be honest with me…"
"I don't know." He replied with a shrug of his shoulders as he looked up and his eyes met hers.
"You don't know?" She asked.
"Yeah… it's like… I just can't be happy. No matter what I do, I feel drained all the time. I'm getting to where I don't even what to get out of bed some mornings…" He tried to tell her. He really wanted to add that he had nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for but he knew that'd make him sound almost suicidal and he wasn't. Elliot felt sheepish and shy. He didn't always like talking about his feelings and emotions, not to anyone. Not to Olivia, Kathy, or anyone.
"Okay…" Olivia replied, taking in his demeanor and stance. Elliot looked defeated. He looked like a man who had the world going against him, not like a man who'd just had an amazing orgasm.
What he said made sense though. It explained why he'd called in a few times lately. It had definitely been more than usual but she'd just figured something had happened with one of the kids or someone was sick.
Elliot ran his hand down his face and shook his head.
"I feel like you think I'm ungrateful for what you just did but if I say 'thank you' then it's gonna make you sound like a cheap whore so I don't wanna do that either…" He said, casting her a look.
Olivia tilted her head slightly as she scrunched her eye brows together.
"You've never made me feel like a cheap whore, El, but no, do not thank me for sexual favors. We don't do that, that's not us." She explained. "But…" Olivia hesitated. "You enjoyed it right? I mean, you didn't stop me… if you were uncomfortable or if you wanted to revoke consent-"
"No!" he said quickly. "No. You… it was good… very good. I don't regret it, just the way I acted afterwards." Elliot told her. "If I'm being honest, it's one of the best blow jobs I've ever gotten…" He said seriously, catching her eyes.
He gave her a small smile, knowing he was feeding her ego and her worry of him.
"So," she started. "Tell me more about what's going on…" Olivia asked lightly.
"I don't know. I'm just feeling a lot of things… it's complicated."
"You're allowed to talk about Kathy with me, El." She said.
Ever since he and Kathy had gotten back together after the pregnancy, he'd been tight lipped about things with her, especially if it was specifically something very good or something very bad. If it was in between, sometimes he'd mention it in passing. Elliot was just trying to avoid hurting her, and well, hurting himself in the process.
It must be hard to love a man who's married to someone else.
"It's not just her… it's me." Elliot said as he started to walk slowly down the alley again.
"You want to know what I think?" Olivia asked.
He stopped and turned his head to look at her.
"I think it sounds like you might be getting depression, El." She told him honestly with sad eyes.
He scoffed and shook his head, gazing around the alley trying to look anywhere but at her.
"And if I had known that… I probably wouldn't have just done what I did…" Olivia said in a soft tone, placing her hand on his shoulder.
Elliot looked at her intensely.
"You revoking wanting to give me head now?" Elliot asked. "I never asked you to do that. I never have, you didn't have to." He spat at her.
Olivia bit her lip and glanced around before looking at him again.
"No," She told him firmly. "I'm saying that if it is depression, then I could give you a thousand blow jobs and it's not going to help you, Elliot."
He moved to lean his ass and back against the brick wall in the alleyway.
"I don't need help, Olivia." He told her forcefully as he sighed.
Olivia swallowed hard.
"I think you should talk to someone…" She told him, walking closer and leaning on the wall beside him. "Feeling down all the time, not wanting to get out of bed, can't feel happy no matter what you do?" Olivia reminded him of his own words. "Sounds like the beginnings of depression…"
"I don't need a shrink." He told her forcefully again.
"So, don't make it an office visit… hit up Huang for lunch one day and pick his brain. He'll be able to tell you if this is really something serious or if you're just in a temporary funk." Olivia suggested.
He shook his head though.
"I don't have a reason to be depressed." Elliot told her.
She snorted and he looked at her with curiosity. This was a serious conversation and here she was laughing.
"You don't need a reason, El."
But he shook his head again.
"I have five beautiful kids, a nice house, a decent job…" He trailed off, trying to list the things that should be enough to keep him happy in his life.
"And…" Olivia continued for him. "You have a son who isn't really speaking to you right now because he's still getting over the death of his best friend and maybe lover, a long marriage that is sometimes on the rocks and can be complicated, a toddler who tires you out, a bipolar daughter who you have to keep in check… come on, Elliot." Olivia said with compassion. "That's a lot, even for you."
He huffed as he stared at the ground.
"You're not Superman…" Olivia told him, giving him a nudge and a small smile. "And I'm not Wonder Woman." She told him once he'd made eye contact with her again.
"What are you saying?" He asked her carefully.
"I'm saying… it happens. Depression happens to all kinds of people and it doesn't need a reason. Depression isn't something that's always triggered. It's just a chemical imbalance. Sometimes, no one knows why people get it." Olivia said.
"You speaking from experience?" He asked, his eyes flashing with hope and wonder as he tried to gage if he'd stumbled upon something that he didn't know about Olivia Benson.
She smiled at him warmly.
"That's not something I want to talk about right now…"
Elliot nodded in understanding. He didn't even know if he had depression and he already didn't want to talk about it. It was like when people know you have depression, they look at you differently. They judge you in a different way, judge how you do things, how you carry yourself… it's stupid. People should be thinking "How can I help?" instead of "Let me look at their life choices to see if I can spot the depression."
He was brought out of his thoughts as he looked down at the feeling of Olivia sliding her right hand into his left.
It was an odd gesture from her since she was always so adamant about her rules of whatever the fuck they were but here lately, she'd been slipping with them. It was like they could basically throw all the rules out the door except for the 'no sex' rule.
Elliot gave her hand a gentle squeeze to let her know that he appreciated the comfort.
"We should be getting back…" He said.
Olivia leaned herself off the wall and headed back to the car, giving his hand a tug to signal that she wasn't going to let go in that moment and that they were going to hold hands on their walk back to the car.
When they approached the car, Elliot walked her to the passenger side.
She started to let go of his hand to get in the car but he pulled on her arm gently, turning her around. When she was finally facing him. He stared at her for a moment before pulling her to him, engulfing her in a hug and resting his forehead on her right shoulder.
Shock appeared on her face because she hadn't expected the embrace but she complied, wrapping her left arm across the back of his shoulders and her right hand covered the back of his head.
"I've got you…" Olivia whispered into his right ear. "I've got you, El."
She felt him take a deep breath and his arms were wrapped around her waist.
Elliot needed her. He needed comfort from her and reassurance.
"You're gonna be fine." She told him quietly as she stroked the back of his head.
Olivia couldn't help but think that part of this was her fault. If she and Elliot weren't doing whatever the hell they were caught up in, then he'd be able to have a happy marriage, he'd be able to truly be okay. That wasn't the case though. Kathy and Elliot weren't happy long before she and Elliot ever did anything.
In fact, during their first case together, Kathy had chewed Elliot out because he'd taking a work call during their child's parent/teacher conference. The blonde hadn't yelled or did anything serious but she'd been upset, she and Elliot had fought, and it'd been a bit of an ordeal. Olivia could remember thinking to herself that if she ever got into a serious relationship, she'd end it if she and her boyfriend ever acted like that.
"I will always be here for you…" Olivia found herself whispering into Elliot's ear. She could feel his tears on her neck. She could also feel his lips faintly press against her skin.
Olivia Benson would always be there for Elliot Stabler until he told her otherwise. It might make her a shitty human being, but she'd never abandon him, not now. Elliot was a strong man but little by little, he'd been breaking. Olivia would never come between him and Kathy.
She'd never ask him to be with her and she'd never fight with Kathy over him. That's where she drew the line. Olivia Benson wasn't that woman, but for now, she would have to settle for being the other woman if it meant helping Elliot through whatever this was.
Even if they had nothing sexual going on between them, he was emotionally cheating on Kathy. Elliot could tell Olivia things and talk to her about things that Kathy would never understand and the same went for Elliot and Kathy. Both women helped him in different aspects of his life. He was torn and he didn't know what to fucking do about it.
Okay, so I'm going to just have to update when inspiration hits me because I've discovered when I try to force myself to write, it sucks.
Review help A LOT. If you have any suggestions, something you want to see or want me to touch on, any ideas, feel free to tell me. I might put them in, I might not, it just depends.
Thanks for still reading this story.