Surprise update! Thank you so much for all the amazing, lovely, detailed reviews! I love them so fucking much!
Olivia unlocked the door and walked inside, throwing her purse and keys on the kitchen counter before opening the fridge and grabbing a bottle of vodka that she'd stashed in the very back.
Trevor watched her silently as she moved around the kitchen, not bothering to grab a glass as she retreated to her room with the bottle.
The brunette put her the glass container on her night stand before unzipping the zipper on the side of her dress and shimming out of it and kicking it to the side, not caring that Trevor had followed her into her room.
She took her strapless bra off and threw it on the dresser before reaching for her sleep shorts that doubled as 'booty shorts', and tank top hanging on top of the open bathroom door. Quickly, she slipped them on before crawling under the covers and sat up, grabbing the bottle and taking a long swig and winced at the burning sensation her throat was experiencing.
"What happened, Olivia?" Trevor asked as he sat down beside her on her side of the bed. He placed his hand on top of her knee and prepared to listen to what she had to say.
Olivia shook her head slightly and took another swig and her head swirled with alcohol.
"She knows I fucked Elliot." She stated bluntly as her eyes watered. "I'm so fucked." She whispered. "I fucked up and fucked my partner…" Olivia told him silently, halfway wondering if this was the first time she'd said 'fucked' that many times at once.
"Kathy didn't seem too upset when I came in…" Trevor offered, trying to sooth the woman in front of him who he was sure was going to be a crying, drunken mess soon.
Olivia shook her head as tears leaked down her face.
"I don't know. She should be mad… she claimed she wasn't but…" The brunette trailed off as she sat the vodka bottle down on her side table and drew her comforter covers knees up to her chest, causing Trevor's had to slip away from her leg.
"I heard you threaten her…." He confessed, giving her a sympathetic look because he'd eavesdropped.
The detective shrugged. "I knew you heard something…" She explained, wiping her face with her hands then wrapped her arms around her knees as she rested her chin on top of her knees. "You came in ready to defend me, you looked too calm and not as surprised as you should have been to find us there… like you'd been listening outside the door."
Olivia may have been distraught, but her detective skills were still on point.
Trevor swallowed and looked away for a moment before making eye contact with her again.
"I was trying to make sure you needed me to come in… I didn't want to stop a conversation or create a distraction if you didn't need it." He explained quietly. "I didn't mean to invade your privacy… you gotta know that, Liv." The lawyer nearly pleaded with her.
She nodded slightly and used one hand to push a lock of now messy hair behind her ear.
"So, you heard?" Olivia asked lightly, but she didn't really need to ask. It was just a formality.
Trevor nodded.
Her eyes filled with tears as she looked away.
Olivia didn't want anyone to know. If she had it her way, she wouldn't have even known. It was a memory that she wanted to forget. Bad things seem to happen to her left and right, but she couldn't say she didn't deserve it. Olivia Benson was one of those women who halfway believed in karma and in her mind, she deserved everything that she got.
After adjusting her legs in bed to where she was sitting Indian style, Olivia reached over and grabbed the vodka bottle again, taking a long swig. She'd already began to feel the effects of it.
"I'll never tell anyone, you know that, right?" Trevor told her, leaning in closer to get her attention.
Olivia gave him a sad, watery smile. Her eyes were cloudy because of the vodka.
"I'm sorry, Trevor." She said silently, still holding the vodka bottle in her lap.
He shook his head. "You have nothing to be sorry for." He said genuinely, reaching for her hand that wasn't holding the bottle and giving it a squeeze.
"You're amazing…" She said. "I mean it." Olivia promised. "You're honestly perfect. We're a good fit. You're… you're caring and loving and protective and…" The brunette closed her eyes tightly as tears leaked out. "If I could control it, you'd be the one I'd fall in love with… Trevor, you're so good. You deserve so much more than this…" Olivia said as she opened her eyes while her face crinkled as she began to truly cry.
"Hey…" Trevor cooed lightly, standing up and taking the vodka bottle from her and put it back on her night stand. Then he toed his shoes off quickly, and climbed around her body and settled into the other side of the bed with his pants and shirt still on.
"C'mere." He called to her, wrapping his left arm around her shoulders as she leaned into him and cried. "It's alright." Trevor soothed her as he hugged her with both arms and kissed the top of her head. "We knew what this was when we started it, and if and when it stops, we'll still be friends."
Olivia pulled back slightly.
"You promise?" She whispered in a throaty voice.
"I promise." He said with a small smile and leaned down to kiss her lips that were wet from tears.
"I'm sorry I'm a mess…" Olivia said, laughing lightly as her tears slowed. "Bet you didn't expect this when you were fantasizing about being with Olivia Benson…" She told him. It wasn't a secret anymore that Trevor had liked her for a long time before this. He'd actually told her one day after she'd asked if he'd ever thought he'd be with her sexually when all they use to do was having huge fights in the squad room.
Trevor shrugged.
"We all have baggage." He said. "The only thing I was expecting, was a very sexy, brunette detective. And that's what I got." He told her, giving her a wide grin, causing her to halfway roll her eyes.
A beat of silence hit them as she continued to lean against him. This man was her current rock. He'd been with her through a small amount and now, he knew her biggest secrets and for some reason, he was still here.
She halfway thought about bringing up a marriage pact to him, the kind that friends make where if they haven't found anyone to marry by a certain time or age, then they agree to marry each other. But that was crazy, she'd decided not to mention it and she honestly couldn't see herself tied down and married anyways.
Olivia laid her head onto his shoulder as his left hand rubbed up and down her left arm, trying to sooth her.
"I never really believed that there was someone out there for me…" She began, and Trevor remained quiet, knowing that she needed to get out whatever she was about to say, even if it was induced by vodka. "I'd see girls at my high school that were set on finding their 'one true love' and I remember thinking how stupid it was because it wasn't true. Not everyone has someone that they're destined to be with… my mom didn't. I surely didn't. Even now, I know women who've been married once or twice but still haven't found 'the one'." Olivia explained.
"But after working at SVU for a few years… I knew Elliot was the one." She said quietly. "I…I knew if I had to choose anyone to spend the rest of my life with, that it'd be him…." Olivia continued as Trevor listened attentively. "He's everything I always wanted in a man. He's caring, loving, affectionate and protective, sometimes too protective and we fight about that but even the best people having fights sometimes, right?" She said, it was really a rhetorical question.
Trevor continued to rub her arm.
"He had this perfect 'white picket fence' family, something I always wanted but never had… Elliot's smart and… and he will fight like hell for a victim. I never wanted to be taken care of by a man but he's the type of guy that would have taken care of me if I needed it." Olivia rambled on. "And he has a dark past. It's kind of twisted and sick but that's kind of my favorite thing about him… we're… we're both damaged goods. He's seen darkness as a child and teenager and I had too…"
Trevor smiled even though she couldn't see it. He'd known Olivia was in love with Elliot the first time they'd been in bed together and she'd talked about him after her partner had come over and she'd fought with him in the living room. He could see it in her eyes and face, the way it lit up when she'd spoken of Elliot afterwards.
"We belong together…" Olivia said in a watery whisper.
Then she maneuvered herself into a sitting position as she turned to face Trevor.
"'m sorry…" She mumbled, running a hand through her hair. "I don't know why I'm telling you any of this… I don't talk about my feelings and emotions like this usually."
"You can talk to me about anything. You know that, we've been over it before." Trevor reminded her as he gently cocked his head to the side.
Olivia sniffled as she looked down at her lap and a fresh round of tears made their appearance. She couldn't help it. Her emotions were up in the air together. It must have been a mixture of being with Eli, her conversation with Kathy, and all the dark thoughts that had passed through her mind today, even though they'd been unwelcomed, and she'd tried to shake them.
…
Several hours later, Olivia awoke to a pounding headache.
After her talk with Trevor, she'd continued to drink her vodka for a bit longer, ensuring that she'd have a deep, dreamless slumber. And it had worked.
Now, she ventured out into the living room slowly, and found Trevor relaxing on the couch watching TV.
"Hey sleepy head." He said with a smile once he saw her.
She groaned slightly causing him to laugh. They both knew she was hungover. It seemed to be semi-early in the morning, but they'd gone to be rather early too. Well, Olivia had. Trevor had stayed up a bit longer.
Heading to the kitchen, Olivia opened the fridge to retrieve a bottle of water, then went to the cabinet in search of some medicine for her headache.
She sat her bottle of water down on the end of the counter to open the pill bottle, but the shine of a glass bottle caught her eyes.
Digging into the trash, she pulled out not one but two empty vodka bottles and sat them both on the counter.
She knew Trevor was watching her actions.
"I didn't drink this much last night…" Olivia said, confused as she looked to Trevor for answers, wondering if he had been the one to down them but from the looks of him, he hadn't.
His face was passive and calm.
"Stabler stopped by last night…" He said gently, almost worried about what her reaction might be.
"Why?" She asked immediately.
Trevor shrugged.
"Said he wanted to check on you, that you'd left in a hurry and looked upset…" He explained. "I told him you were fine, but he wanted to see for himself." He stated. "I wasn't comfortable letting him in, so I explained that we'd had some alcohol when we got home."
"We?" She asked, cocking an eyebrow.
"Didn't want you to sound bad…" He said. "But anyways, he asked what it was… I wouldn't tell him, figured it was none of his business."
Olivia nodded.
"But he wouldn't let up?" She guessed, knowing her partner all too well.
"Yeah… he started guessing. Mentioned vodka, my face must have given it away. I'm sorry." Trevor told her apologetically.
She shook her head quickly.
"It's fine." Olivia replied. "So, how did this happen?" She asked, pointing to the empty bottles that she'd sat on the counter.
Trevor swallowed hard. He remembered Elliot's exact words to him and he could have sworn he'd never seen the detective more serious in his life.
…
LAST NIGHT
"Vodka was her mother's drink, and the drink that killed her." Elliot had explained quickly as he stood in the doorway talking to Trevor at the entrance of the apartment. "You can't let her have it." He'd said.
"I'm not sure how well you know you're partner," Trevor began, "but you don't 'let' Olivia do anything. She does what she wants…" He'd told the detective.
Elliot shook his head quickly.
"She drinks vodka when she's hurting. She drinks it to numb herself just like her mom, you've gotta get rid of it." Elliot explained forcefully, wanting Trevor to take him seriously. "Take it and pour it out. Then sweep the kitchen and pour out the others that you find… can't tell her or call her on it, you just have to do it."
Trevor looked slightly surprised and uncomfortable.
"I umm…" He stuttered but Elliot spoke again.
"Either you let me in and I'll do it or you're doing it, but one of us is doing it. She's not going down that rabbit hole."
It took a moment, but Trevor finally nodded, realizing that Elliot was very serious and extremely worried about her.
"I'll do it." The lawyer promised.
Elliot stared at him for a moment, as if he was trying to read him to see if he was telling the truth or telling a lie.
"I will." Trevor said.
The detective nodded and took a step back as he readied himself to leave.
"I've done it for her before." Elliot confessed. "She won't be mad, and if she is, just… tell her I did it."
Trevor swallowed hard as he braced himself by putting his hand on the doorknob.
"I uh… yeah… yeah, thanks for the heads up." He said, not really knowing what to tell the other man.
Elliot nodded and turned to head towards the elevators. He'd known there'd be a chance that Trevor was at her apartment, but he'd been willing to take the risk.
…
PRESENT DAY
"So, which one of you did it?" Olivia asked lightly after Trevor had told her bits and pieces of his conversation with Elliot.
He swallowed hard.
"I did." He said. "I didn't want him to come in here while you were… asleep and… well, it just didn't sit right with me."
Olivia nodded as she leaned down and placed the bottles back in the garbage can, then opened her water and took a swig as she downed her pill.
"You mad?" He asked gently as she began to make her way over to the couch, still clad in her tank top and shorts.
"No." She told him. "You're looking out for me and I appreciate it…" Olivia told him softly as she straddled his sweatpants covered legs.
"Really?" He asked in surprise as his hands automatically went to her hips.
She nodded again. "I don't like that he told you something that was private to me, but I understand why he did it…" She said. "But I like that you care… a lot and I like that you try to protect me and look out for me… even when I don't need it."
Then she laced her fingers together as she put her arms around his neck and leaned forward, rocking her hips into his on purpose.
"In fact, I'd like to show my… appreciation…" Olivia whispered as she got in his face.
"I only did it because I got worried about you…." He explained quietly, causing her to lean back slightly to get a good look at his face. Trevor was clearly still worried that she was not okay with what he'd done. He'd halfway thought about going out and buying her more vodka to replace her stash but if what Elliot had said was true, then that wouldn't be a good idea.
"I know." She assured him. "You care about me, you want the best for me…" She said as she rocked her hips into his again. "And it's soooooo sexy…"
"Hmmm…" Trevor ground out, meeting her thrusts with his already semi-hardened penis.
Olivia fingered the bottom of his shirt and began yanking it up and over his arms that he'd raised once he'd gotten the idea that she'd wanted him shirtless.
She took a deep breath as she ran her hands up and down his chest. The man was sexy as hell.
Trevor ran his hands over her peaked nipples that were noticeably sticking out from under her tank top.
"Mmmhmmm…" She moaned as she briefly closed her eyes and bit her lips.
"Off…" He whispered quickly as he ran his hands down her stomach and around her sides, slipping them under the back of her tank top. Olivia quickly lifted the shirt over her head and threw it to the side, instantly arching her back so that her chest was puffed out.
Trevor instantly knew what to do. His lips were on her left nipple instantly, sucking and nibbling at her sensitive skin.
"Oh god, that's good." She said as she threaded her right hand through his hair in encouragement.
"I know what you like…" He replied as he let go of her nipple with a small popping sound. Then gently sat up, pushing her ever so slightly until she got the idea that he wanted her to stand. After she was on her feet, Trevor stood as well grabbed her by wrapping his right arm around her hips, dragging her with him.
She giggled because she had an idea of what he was about to do.
Trevor stopped them as they made it to the back of the couch. He hooked his fingers in her sleep shorts and panties and began to push them down her legs, but she quickly stopped him, reaching for her pocked and retrieving the condom she'd stashed there after she'd gotten out of bed.
His eyebrows raised slightly.
"Detective Benson… did you have ulterior motives when you came out into the living room this morning?" Trevor asked her huskily.
She laughed. "Maybe…" She whispered as he continued to push her pants and panties down her legs. He did the same with his sweatpants as she kicked her shorts to the side.
Olivia bit her bottom lip in anticipation as she waited for him to rid himself of all his clothing, and she appreciated the fact that he hadn't worn boxers, making her wonder just what exactly he'd worn to bed since the sweat pants would have been too hot to sleep in.
Trevor grabbed the condom from her hand and quickly opened it, slipping it on to go ahead and get that part out of the way.
Once the condom was on, she gasped as he quickly turned her away from him and pushed his body up against hers. She could feel his hard on pressed against her ass and she automatically leaned forward slightly.
Trevor trailed his hands around her sides and to her front, grabbing her breasts and massaging them gently, pinching her nipples ever so slightly, causing a moan to escape from her lips.
Olivia was very muchly enjoying his hands on her body. This was what she'd needed. In fact, she'd wanted it last night, but she knew she couldn't drink vodka and have sex and she'd had to make her choice.
His hands drifted to her back as he stepped back slightly to put space between them. Trevor ran his hands up and down her back, along her spine twice. On the second time, he pushed her forward, bending her over the back of the couch.
She nearly moaned just at the position. It'd be a new one that they'd recently tried, and she'd found they'd both liked it a lot.
"You alright?" He asked her gently, looking for any signs of uncomforted or hesitancy. Trevor liked to be extra careful with her since he knew she'd been previously sexually assaulted, but he didn't let on that that was the reason he always checked in with her during sex. He knew she'd hate it.
"Hurry up." Was her only response. Olivia was at times impatient when it came to sex. This was one of those times.
Trevor smiled at her eagerness and used his left hand to brace himself on her lower back as he used his right hand to guide his member into her. Olivia grabbed onto the back of the couch for more support.
"Ohhhhh…." Olivia moaned as he entered her slowly.
"Jesus, Liv." Trevor groaned as he started to move inside.
She bit her lip and pushed her body back into his thrusts.
He was slow and sensual at first, making sure he didn't hurt her even though it'd only been a few days since they'd last had sex. Then, within minutes, he sped up to a quick pace.
It didn't take long before they were both sweaty and the only sound that could be heard in the apartment was the sound of skin slapping against skin. Moans and lustful sounds filled the room as Trevor reached his goal a little too quickly for both of their likings.
His orgasm hit him out of nowhere. He was hunched over her back, slamming into her and his body suddenly jerked, spasming unexpectedly.
"Shit… Oh no, Fuck I… mmmm… FUCK!" He nearly shouted from behind her as his body continued to twitch in the midst orgasm.
Trevor held onto her tightly, and kissed her shoulder once he was done.
"I'm sorry." He told her quickly as he leaned back, removing himself from inside her and backing up slightly, glancing at her bottom in front of him. Her ass was fucking perfect.
"It's okay." Olivia said soft as she leaned up from the back of the couch and turned around. They both knew after he comes once, it usually took him a bit to 'recuperate' and she hadn't even gotten off yet.
Trevor was embarrassed.
"It's not…" He replied.
Olivia smiled at him.
"It is." She said, as she grabbed his hand and started to lead him to the bedroom. "There's more than one way to get me off." Olivia told him seductively. "Come on…"
…
Monday morning rolled around, and Olivia was called in to work a body dump that had been found in hospital laundry. Samantha Millerton was the vic. They traced the vehicle that dumped her body to a local residency.
Apparently, the man who owned the vehicle had died. His son, whom they met outside carrying groceries in, had inherited the home while his brother had inherited the car.
The son insisted he had his brother's address inside and went to retrieve it, but Olivia and Elliot were met with a door slammed in their face.
"That asshole just lock us out?" Olivia asked, giving her partner a questioning look.
She'd showed up for work pretending that nothing had happened over the weekend, as if everything had been forgotten. Mostly because she hadn't wanted to talk about it with him but also because it was a Monday, and who doesn't hate Mondays?
Olivia wasn't sure if Elliot had caught on and agreed to play her game, or if he'd come to work with the same idea but she was glad he hadn't said anything.
"Oh hell no." Elliot replied to her as he banged on the door, calling the mans name. He stepped aside to gaze in the side window just mere seconds before three bullets went flying through the door, barely missing Olivia.
They both braced themselves on either side of the doorframe as Olivia radioed for back up, then quickly readied themselves to enter the residence, guns blazing.
Elliot kicked down the door, a box fell off the book shelf and their now perp took off up the stairs, only to be quickly followed by Elliot, who threw him back down the stairs.
"Goddamn, El." Olivia whispered, sending her partner a warning look as Elliot huffed to catch his breath while arresting the man they now were almost sure was guilty of murdering and raping their vic.
"You busted my head open!" The man yelled.
"You almost blew ours off!" Elliot shot back.
"What do we have here?" Olivia asked, taking out plastic gloves and slipping them on before digging into the box that had fallen on the floor and come open.
It was filled with small odd and end items. Each could easily be recognized as a 'trophy' from a previous rape and kill victim of the perpetrator.
Olivia held up a bracelet made out of bottle caps.
"Looks like Samantha's bracelet." She commented. "And there's an ivory bracelet, a ring, a watch, a broach, lace handkerchief… wow." Olivia said as she observed the items in the box. "Son-of-a-bitch… he's a serial killer…" She whispered, looking at her partner as she finally connected the dots.
…
Back at the precinct, Olivia and Elliot were actually enjoying going at Jason, their newest perp. This was one of the rare occasions where they were able to double-team him rather easily. They could already tell that the young man was nervous. Probably not very good at hiding things.
To be honest, Olivia was starting to wonder if he was the actual rapist/killer… his personality traits and demeanor didn't match up for it.
"Several of the trophy's look like they're from old ladies…" Olivia said, walking around his chair. She bent down and got in his face. "Do you like diddling grandma's?" The brunette asked, her eyes fierce and her nose flaring. She'd be lying if she said this was one of the parts of her job that she didn't like. She actually thoroughly enjoyed interrogating slimy men like Jason.
"Allan and Joan forever…" Elliot read off of the wedding band. "Well, you made sure that didn't happen…" He commented.
"I-I didn't… kill… a-anyone…" Jason stuttered, not looking at either of the detectives.
"You sure did a good job trying to take us out with your 357" Elliot quickly shot back, bracing himself on the table in front of them. He was still a bit pissed that he'd been shot at. It was only Monday morning and it wasn't even past 10:30 yet and someone had already tried to kill him this week…
They continued terrorizing him with threats of life in prison or the death penalty. Olivia threw around a chair, making a loud sound as it hit the ground to Jason's left. She sat down as Elliot did the same with a chair on Jason's right.
"Do yourself a favor…" Elliot said gently, using one of his interrogation tactics. "Tell us everything and the DA might just cut you a deal…" He fakely reasoned with him.
Olivia remained in Jason's immediate vicinity, her right arm relaxed on the back of his chair. The man was sweating, and she was watching him closely, applying peer pressure as Elliot worked.
After a few beats of silence Elliot continued his tactic.
"You wanna rot in prison for the rest of your life? You got it!" Elliot yelled loudly, nearly spitting on their perp. Olivia didn't even flinch. She knew his games and the tools he used in interrogation just as he knew hers.
"You can't put me back in prison!" Jason yelled as he stood up, quickly denying that any of the trophies were his.
Olivia and Elliot grabbed him at the same time and forced him to sit back down.
The pair hadn't worked this well together in a while. Olivia was generally happy that they were doing so well and were so in sync. Well, at least at work they were, if you didn't count the last case.
Elliot was about to speak again but Cragen opened the door, interrupting them.
"You got a minute, detectives?" He asked sternly, they could both tell something was going on.
Silently, they each removed themselves from their chairs, placed the chairs back at the sides of the table, and exited the room, following their captain's lead.
"You mind telling me what's going on?" Cragen asked them forcefully, once the interrogation door was shut. "You know you can't interview a perp that just tried to kill you." He explained.
Olivia looked surprised and Elliot looked annoyed.
They knew something else must be up. They'd each interviewed several people that'd tried to kill them before. IAB didn't necessarily like it and at times required the perp to be re-interviewed but for the most part, it was doable.
"Well, he's not a risk now…" Elliot said, maybe a bit too quickly.
"Because you punished him by cracking his skull?" Cragen asked, pointedly looking at Elliot, who turned around and retreated towards Olivia for fear of the captain seeing him roll his eyes.
"He got that during the chase." Olivia said, covering for her partner. "It was good. Everything was by the book." She promised.
Elliot's heart nearly swelled at the devotion he had from his partner, but he'd do the same for her and she knew it.
"You are not cleared for duty." Cragen said, still speaking to Elliot as the older man grabbed his detective's arm and jerked him back so he could see his face. Elliot's demeanor changed immediately.
Previously, he was just annoyed, but his captain had put his hands on him, something Cragen hadn't done in a long time and he'd had no warning that it was coming either.
Defensively, Elliot yanked out of Cragen's grasp, almost struggling, causing himself to fall into the opposite wall as his heartbeat sped up and his eyes dilated.
Olivia picked up on what was happening but Cragen seemed to think it was his detective rebelling against him.
"Neither of you are cleared until you've seen Huang for your mandatory psych evals!" Their captain said forcefully as he looked to Olivia, pointing at her as well, while Elliot quickly exited the hallway and headed for the cribs.
"Am I understood?" Cragen asked Olivia, not even caring to deal with what he thought was Elliot's temper at the moment.
"Yes, Cap." She promised him and nodded.
Cragen nodded in return and headed for his office as he signaled for Fin to head into interrogation with their perp.
Olivia took a deep breath as she returned to the squad room, her eyes searched for Elliot, but she didn't find him. She knew he'd most likely be on the roof or in the cribs. Wanting to avoid extra stairs, she decided she'd check the cribs first.
Opening the door, she saw that it was dark, which wasn't surprising. It always was dark in the cribs.
There was a dark form sitting against the wall on the floor that her eyes could make out due to the small amount of sunlight coming through one of the windows where the blinds were broken. She heard huffs of breath trying to be taken and panicked breathing.
Shit. He was having a panic attack.
"El?" Olivia called softly, decided not to turn the light on as she shut the door behind her.
His knees were drawn up to his chest and he had one hand on each knee, gripping them tightly.
Olivia quickly made her way to him and sat down on her knees in front of him.
"Hey…" She said softly, as she put her hands-on top of his and squeezed gently. "It's just a panic attack, it's alright. It'll be over soon." She promised him. Olivia could see his eyes glistening in the dim lighting. He was crying but she was pretty positive it was due to the panic attack.
"Try to take deep breaths with me…." She instructed as she emphasized breathing deeply, then blowing the air out. "Focus on solid items." Olivia reminded him. "The bed…" She said as she patted the bed beside them. "It's solid. The floor is solid." There actually weren't many solid items in the room to focus on.
"That's it…" She cooed as his breathing finally slowed.
Olivia gave him a small smile as he sat up straighter and wiped his face with his hands before pulling himself up all together and going to sit on one of the bottom bunks. He continued to sniffle.
She got up as well and sat down beside him, handing him a tissue from her pocket.
"You turn me in?" He asked silently as he used the tissue to wipe his face and refused to make eye contact with her.
"What?" Olivia asked as her eyes went wide. She was genuinely confused at what he was asking her.
"You tell Cragen I was… assaulted by Camille and now he's demanding I get a psych eval done?" He asked again. There was no anger in his voice, just sadness and slight embarrassment from having his panic attack.
"No." Olivia said quickly. "I'd never… and he's requiring us both to get one." She replied, turning her body more towards his so she could look at him better. "What happened… unless you've told anyone else… I'm the only one that knows." She promised him. Then she looked down and grabbed his left hand in her right one and gently held it.
They weren't supposed to be doing this. They'd stopped getting personal and close.
Elliot swallowed hard, but his hand remained in hers. He nodded his thanks to her as they continued to sit there.
"I know you were upset with me for a while after Sealview… because you knew something happened in the basement and I wouldn't tell you, I kept denying it…" Olivia said as she looked at him. "I couldn't tell you for a really long time, and you know most of it now but, this was why I couldn't… the feelings you're having now…" She tried to explain to him as he looked at her with a mixture of sadness and realization on his face.
"Guilt, anger, embarrassment…" She continued. "Everything you're feeling now, I felt it… so, I get what you're feeling, and it sucks, it really does." Olivia said.
All Elliot could do was nod.
"Shit." He said lowly, squeezing her hand. "I'm sorry if I ever made you feel bad about it."
Olivia gave him a genuine smile. "It's alright." She said. "Listen…" She trailed off as she took a deep breath. "I know we've been cutting back on personal shit and getting too touchy-feely and all but…" She continued, and Elliot suddenly wondered if he should be letting go of her hand instead of holding it. "You know I'm always here for you right?" She looked at him with worried eyes.
"Yeah." He said, giving her a small smile and squeezing her hand again.
"We were trying to get away from each other I know… but if you seriously need me, if there's something wrong…. I know you don't like showing your feelings and emotions in front of anyone but for a little while there I thought you had gotten comfortable with me and-"
"I was… I am." Elliot said, cutting her off and letting go of her hand only so he could turn his entire body towards her and pull his left leg on top of the bed to completely fact her. "I am comfortable with you, Liv." He stressed. "I only backed off because you made me. This was your choice. You wanted to put distance between us…" Elliot reminded her lightly.
"Okay…" She said softly as she sniffled and looked at the floor between her feet. "But this is too much distance, El."
High emotions had seemed to transfer from Elliot to Olivia now, as she was the one getting emotional.
"Alright…" He whispered as he shifted himself until he was laying down on the tiny bottom bunk. "C'mere…" Elliot called lightly, grabbing her arm and tugging on it until she was fully snuggled up into his left side. His left hand was halfway wrapped around her body and he turned sideways a bit, so he could see her.
Olivia buried her face into the crook of his neck and left shoulder, then she began to lightly sob, making sure to keep her sounds in check just in case.
"Woah… hey…." Elliot called to her lightly as he tightened his grip on her and added his right arm. "Where's this coming from?" He asked gently.
"I… I just miss you so fucking much." She told him in a ragged breath as she curled her left arm around his chest tighter.
Elliot huffed as he held her closely with both arms wrapped around her. She still smelled good, she smelled like Olivia and whatever body wash the woman always used.
"I miss you too." He whispered.
Trying to play it coy and not being close and personal wasn't working for either of them. It was too painful.
Olivia couldn't bring herself to tell Elliot of the knowledge she'd gained about his personal life while being at his house. At least not now.
They stayed like this for several more minutes. Olivia enjoyed the feel of his arms around her, it was something she craved on a regular basis. She loved his cologne, the one he always used, probably for a long time now, or at least ever since she'd known him.
They'd both faltered today, there was no denying it. The 'let's not get too personal' bullshit had basically gone out the window when Elliot had been attacked on the last case.
After Olivia's tears had finally slowed, she sat up and maneuvered herself to the edge of the bed. Taking another tissue out of her pocket to use for herself.
Elliot propped himself up on his left side and watched her ready her features to face the squad room again.
"We need to get back out there." She said as she dabbed the tissue at her eyes, trying to fix her make up even though she didn't have a mirror.
"Liv?" He called to her, causing her to look back at him.
"You know we can do this, right?" Elliot asked her calmly.
"Do what?" She questioned, almost scared to ask what he'd meant.
"Be close friends… comfort each other, hold each other when shit hits the fan." He said, then swallowed hard as he watched for warning signs that she was about to reject him. "I can hold myself back… it's not like I'm going to jump you…" He concluded, and Olivia let out a small laugh.
"Yeah, well…" She said as she glanced around the room. "I can't make any promises…" Olivia replied, joking about how she couldn't promise that she wouldn't jump him.
Elliot knew what she was doing. She was deflecting with humor.
"I'm being serious…" He said.
Olivia shook her head lightly in acknowledgment.
"You need to see someone." She said softly and then glanced back at him from her original posture of facing away from him. "For the assault. I… I know it seems small and you think everything's fine but… it's gonna kick your ass when you least expect it… kinda like it did with Cragen earlier…"
She'd known it was anxiety with a touch of PTSD by the way Elliot had reacted to Cragen's surprise touch. Plus, it wasn't like their captain to handle his detectives like that unless the situation was serious and in her eyes, this wasn't one of those times.
"There's something I wanna tell you." Elliot stated as she continued to face him.
Now, Olivia was worried again. She moved her body until she had both knees laying sideways on the bed, so she was close to him and could read his face. She sometimes hated how dim this room was simply because she and Elliot had so many serious conversations up here.
She swallowed hard and tried not to panic, but deep down she worried that it had to do with Kathy.
"Remember a few months ago when you told me you thought I had depression?" He asked quietly.
"Yeah." Olivia responded instantly, wondering where this conversation was going.
"Well, I do." He said in a small voice, clearly trying to embrace the mental illness that he was diagnosed with instead of being ashamed of it, but it wasn't easy.
"Oh, Elliot…." Olivia sympathized. She took her previous position against his body, but this time she was hugging him, it was a hug that he gladly accepted.
Elliot rested his head in her neck and took a deep breath, allowing her to comfort him.
"I went and saw a guy… got a reference for a psychiatrist…. then got diagnosed and got set up with a psychologist that I see once or twice a month." He mumbled into her shoulder.
She pulled back gently, and they were face-to-face in each other's arms.
"You get some meds?" Olivia asked him, even though she was pretty sure that's what the pill bottles were that she had seen on his dresser.
"Yeah… one for anxiety and one for depression." He explained as his hands encircled her waist.
"Good." She commented.
Their heads were laying on the pillow and their faces were just inches apart.
"This is why we can't be close friends…" Olivia whispered.
"Why?" He whispered back.
"Because I want to kiss you right now."
Elliot smiled.
"You have my permission." He said.
"No." Olivia replied. "I can't."
"Why?" He asked again.
"Because the only woman that should be kissing you is your wife." Olivia stated bluntly, giving him the opportunity to tell her about his divorce papers and possibly give her more information about it that she desperately wanted but didn't have.
But he didn't take her bait.
"If you won't kiss me, can I kiss you?" He asked.
She laughed.
He smiled.
Olivia shook her head no.
"Why?" He asked again.
At this point, he was starting to sound like a small child that had just learned the word 'why' and asked it about everything.
"Because Trevor is the only man who's supposed to be kissing me…" She said gingerly and Elliot had refrain from scoffing at her.
"Seriously, though…" She started. "I'm glad you're seeing someone. Keep going, tell them about Camille…" Olivia instructed. "I've been there. I've had depression and taken meds…" She confessed, even though when they'd talked about it previously when she suspected he was depressed, she'd given it away that she'd had experience in that category.
"Did they help?" He asked honestly. Elliot's eyes nearly burned holes into hers. He wasn't sure how long ago it was, or if she still took the meds but he knew one thing for sure; she wasn't happy now.
"Yeah. I'm still, here aren't I?" She said.
Olivia had meant it as a joke, but she realized it was a bit too honest when the look on his face changed and became more morbid and saddened.
"I'm fine." She quickly added. "I'm good, Elliot. Everything is okay, and it will be with you too." She told him as her left hand massaged his right shoulder through his dress shirt that was probably starting to wrinkle from staying in bed too long now.
During their talk, their faces had managed to somehow get closer.
Elliot continued to stare at her and her words and confession weighed on him heavily. So heavily, that he was worried he wouldn't be able to keep his shit together for much longer. Right now, he guessed months but who knew how long he'd be able to hold out.
His love for his partner was winning over and his life at home was slowly pushing him towards her, only, he couldn't be with Olivia or even go to her. So, for the past few weeks, he'd been spending various nights in the cribs. He hadn't told anyone, and he'd made it a point to keep an unusual amount of spare clothing in his locker. The only one who did know was Kathy.
"Olivia?" Elliot called as his right hand moved from her hip and threaded through her hair.
"Yes?" She asked wearily.
"I'm going to kiss you now." He told her, giving her time to back out but he had to try.
Elliot needed her lips on his. He needed to taste her again. It'd been so long and he longer to feel her skin against his.
"Okay." She whispered.
And that was it. They both closed their eyes as their lips locked. Olivia even met him halfway.
It felt so good, so incredibly good.
She couldn't help it. Her instincts took over her body and her lips parted, granting him access inside, which he gladly took.
Their tongues swirled together as she fought for dominance. Elliot may have been the one to finally initiate this, but she was taking over. Her hands made their way to the side of his face and back of his head, holding him closely as she moaned into his mouth.
"Jesu-" He started as they pulled apart, but her mouth was on his again before he could even get a word out.
She threw her left leg over his right one, bringing his right leg in between hers as she rocked back and forth while kissing him.
"Shit, Liv." Elliot ground out as he took another breath. "Thought he was keepin' you satisfied?" He questioned, referring to Trevor but his comment just fueled her on.
"Shut up…" She huffed out. "I just… just need…" Olivia mumbled, undoing her belt and the button on her pants to give herself access to her core. She wanted release while she was in Elliot's presence. That's all.
But she was too slow, and Elliot was quicker.
He saw what she was trying to do, and he beat her to it. As soon as the button on her pants was undone, his hand darted inside, to the inside of her silky panties, straight down to the wetness between her legs.
"Uhhhhh…" Olivia moaned lowly as her mouth hung open when his fingers made contact with her bundle of nerves.
"Good god, you're dripping…" He commented as he started to rub his hand in a circular motion. She nearly hissed at him from the contact as her eyes slammed shut.
"Oh fuck…" She said as she began to grind her hips into his hand and braced herself by grabbing onto his shoulders with both hands.
He slipped two fingers inside her as he continued the circular motion with the palm of his hand and let the pad of his thumb massage the top of her mound.
"Oh shitttt…" Olivia moaned as she closed her eyes and tilted her head down on the pillow. "Ellll…." She whined, and he sped up the pace.
Within seconds she was falling apart in his arms. Olivia shoved her head into his shoulder as she grunted, and her hips bucked, then slowed to jerkily convulsing as her orgasm hit. It was a good one. Strong and fairly lengthy. It had nothing to do with when she'd last had sex, obviously since it had been yesterday, but everything to do with the man whose hand was between her legs.
Her hips slowed to a halt and her grip on his shoulder lighted up.
After Elliot removed her hand, she laid flat on her back next to him, breathing rapidly as she caught her breath.
"Shouldn't have done that…" She said in a breathy voice as she continued to huff.
"I enjoyed it." He replied easily as he wiped off his hand using the tissue that she'd given him when she first entered the room. He'd stuck it in his pocket in case he'd needed it later in the day. He had no idea that he'd need it so soon.
"Doesn't mean it's right…." Olivia told him seriously even though she thoroughly enjoyed what they'd just done, and she'd be thinking about it for at least the next couple of days.
She could see his hardon in his pants out of the corner of her eye.
Her clothing was still in place and everything was fine except her shirt was untucked in the front and her pants were still unbuckled and unbuttoned. "We gotta stop." She told him, turning her head to the right and looking him dead in the eye.
Elliot narrowed his eyes at her in question. There was something in her voice that raised red flags for him.
"Elliot, she knows." Olivia said.
Thoughts?