I am so, so, so very sorry! My computer has been in the shop forever and I couldn't do anything. Work let me borrow a computer but I can't write fanfiction on a work computer! So I will be making up for my long absence I promise! Please forgive me!

…

"Why are you wearing your work clothes?" Calvin wondered out loud as they walked up to the front door.

"Because I'm on call." Olivia explained. She'd booked herself on call on purpose, hoping that she'd get called in before actually having to attend.

"If you get called in, will I have to go home?" Calvin asked as he walked beside her, toting his gift in his hand. She was carrying her own gift for the baby, Calvin had insisted he get her something 'cool' for babies instead of gross, boring stuff that most babies get from adults. Olivia had rolled her eyes at the time but most kids usually didn't want any part of it so she was pleased that he cared enough to want to get Kathy's daughter something.

"No, if you want to stay, someone will bring you home later if you're comfortable with that." Olivia promised him, giving him a small smile.

He stopped slowly.

"You trust them right, like really, really trust them?" He questioned, his eyes checking her for the smallest hesitation.

"Cal, he's my partner. I trust him with my life." Olivia told him, gently placing her right hand on his shoulder. "If you don't want to stay, you can leave with me. I'll drop you off at the house if I get called in." She said.

It made her heart hurt to know that he was still weary of people, but she understood. A lot had happened to him. And he was thirteen now, so puberty was hitting him hard. Zits, breakouts, deeper voice, smells. Calvin was quickly turning into a full-blown teenager right before her eyes.

His birthday celebration had been quiet. Trevor took him out to breakfast and Olivia had let him play hooky for the day. Then they'd done some 'guy stuff' as they put it. Trevor later explained to her that this entailed of them shopping for a razor, as Trevor had done on his thirteenth birthday. They also shopped for new clothes and picked up a couple of xbox games that he was now allowed to play since he was thirteen and all.

Olivia met them for lunch. Then Trevor went to work and Olivia spent the rest of the day with Calvin. They'd ended up having some pretty deep conversations.

…

FLASHBACK

"This game is terrible!" Olivia exclaimed as she continued to press X and the right trigger button on her xbox controller.

"You're only saying that because you're dying…" Calvin shot at her with a smile, causing her to roll her eyes.

"No." She said in an annoyed tone. Then signed and put her controller in her lap after she was officially dead on the screen. She had to wait two minutes before her character could be revived and meanwhile, in the background the characters that were run by the game were yelling profanity at her.

"This is ridiculous." She said. "The amount of cussing they do is completely unnecessary."

"I know not to say it…" Calvin said, shooting her a worried glance.

"I'm not going to take it away." She promised. "As long as you act right and do what you're supposed to, we had a deal." She told him. "But seriously, I'm a better shot in real life. I shoot really, really good." Olivia said, as if she was trying to defend her honor and record.

"Dang." Calvin sighed as Olivia started laughing at his character's death.

"Wanna take a break?" She asked as she stood up and headed towards the kitchen.

"Yeah. That was hard." He said.

"I bet you Fin can beat it. You should get him over here to play with you." She suggested as she got them two cokes out of the fridge and made her way back to the couch. She sat on one end and propped her feet up on the couch space between them as Calvin sat with his sock covered feet propped on the coffee table. He thanked her for the coke.

"Have you ever shot anyone… in real life?" Calvin asked her hesitantly.

She swallowed and gave him a small smile.

"Yeah…. But only as a last resort when I didn't have any other choice. Always criminals when I couldn't get them any other way or to stop them from hurting someone or hurting me." Olivia explained carefully. She knew questions about her work were bound to come up, along with many others and she'd just have to take them as they came.

"Can I ask you another question?" He asked slowly, his eyes not meeting hers.

"Yes, I've killed people but not intentionally." She answered without giving it a second thought.

"That's not what I was…. Really?" He seemed caught off guard.

"Oh, I thought… I thought that'd be your next question. Sorry." Olivia apologized quickly and tried to give him a warm smile. A handful of children had asked her questions about her job, and that was always the question they'd followed up with.

"No…. um, my mom… she said some stuff the last time I went to see her…." Calvin told her slowly.

Olivia sat up now, pulling her legs up under her and sitting her coke on the coffee table.

"Okay." She said slowly. "This why you didn't go visit her this past time?" She questioned.

Vivian had gone to rehab in order to get clean. Once she'd finished her three months of rehab, she was put in jail for multiple charges. In the end, she only got two years but she was allowed to have visitors.

Calvin didn't have to go see her, it was entirely up to him and he knew that. Olivia supported his decision no matter what. So, sometimes twice a month he'd go visit Vivian in prison. Sometimes Fin would take him, sometimes it'd be Munch or Elliot, but it was never Olivia. Vivian had rights too and that was the one request she always made. She didn't want to see the brunette.

At first, Calvin wouldn't go see his mom because of her request about Olivia but eventually, Olivia was able to show him that it didn't bother her and truth be told, she didn't want to see Vivian either. Olivia had a lot of resentment towards the woman.

Calvin knew there was nothing Vivian could do to get him back. He knew that he was in Olivia's care permanently.

So, sometimes he'd go see Vivian and sometimes she'd say something that made him mad or uncomfortable and he'd skip the next few visitations but it usually didn't both him this badly.

"What'd she say this time?" Olivia asked gently, scooting closer to Calvin in order to get his attention. It wouldn't be the first time the blonde had said something off the wall that Olivia had to fix.

"She said some things about you. Things that I didn't like." He said, looking up at her with cautious eyes. Even though he was 13 now, Calvin still looked like just a boy sometimes.

Olivia nodded in understanding.

"Well, we know she's not my biggest fan… and to be honest, I'm not hers." She said, tilting her head and giving him a small smile as she pushed her hair behind her ear. "But if it's really bothering you, we can talk about it. You know you can talk to me about anything, Cal." Olivia said in her mothering tone.

He was hesitant. More so than he'd ever been before so Olivia was very curious as to what Vivian could have said to him.

Calvin took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly before he spoke.

"She said you were a rape baby like her and that… that you'll end up not wanting to deal with me because you're broken too…" He said softly.

Olivia could tell it'd been weighing heavy on him and his last visit with Vivian had been about three weeks ago. Then this week, he'd declined to go visit her.

"Okay." The detective said, nodding her head. "I'm sure that was very hard to hear and very hard to take in. She's not supposed to be talking to you like that. We can get her in trouble if we told what she was saying, all we have to do is tell your social worker." Olivia told him.

"No… she's already in prison…." Calvin concluded. Then remained quiet, waiting for her to speak.

"Let start with this; do you know what a 'rape baby' is? And for the record, I prefer the term 'child of rape'." Olivia said.

Calvin looked at her with wide eyes.

"So, it's true?" He asked slowly.

"Answer me first, Cal." Olivia commanded lightly. "What's rape? We've already had that talk." She said.

"Forced sex. Or sex when the other person is unconscious or too impaired to give consent." He answered as though he'd rehearsed it.

"Good." Olivia replied giving him a small smile.

Soon after she'd learned that Calvin was already knowledgeable about sex, she'd decided to further educate him. Truthfully, it should be taught way earlier than thirteen, but she couldn't do anything about it or the way he was introduced to sex.

"So, what do you think a 'child of rape' is?"

"A… a c-child who was… um…" He tried to answer in a shaky voice and Olivia's eyes got big rather quickly.

"What-no! No, honey no. That didn't happen to me when I was a child." Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes while stretching out her arms. "C'mere." She called to him gently and was relieved when she felt him hug her.

"I am okay. I was not sexually assaulted as a child. Oh sweetheart…" Olivia cooed as she pulled back and looked at him. He had tears in his eyes. "You gotta talk to me about this stuff, Cal. Don't sit on it for three weeks. I hope you haven't been thinking about that for the past three weeks." She said.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

"Don't apologize." She said, hugging him again. "Just… talk to me okay. We have to keep an open line of communication."

Once they'd pulled away from each other and got situated on the couch once more, she spoke again.

"A child of rape is someone who was born because a rape occurred. So, my mother was raped and the rape got her pregnant." Olivia explained as gently as she could.

Calvin sat in thought for a moment. He seemed to be thinking it over in his mind. It shouldn't have been that hard to understand. He knew sex was how babies were made, and just because it wasn't consensual doesn't mean babies still can't be made.

"But if my mom….. Grandma was raped?" He asked, looking to Olivia.

She exhaled slowly and looked around the room. She didn't fancy breaking Calvin's grandmother's privacy even if she was dead. Olivia knew the woman would never have wanted her grandson to know that, she didn't even want her own daughter to know.

"I'm sorry, Calvin." Olivia said gently. "If it helps, we caught the man that did it and he's dead now… He can never hurt anyone again." She tried. Olivia decided not to tell him about the case when she'd met him and how he'd actually met his grandmother's rapist, his paternal grandfather.

"Mom says she can't help the way she is, that it's because she was born out of evil… but you don't act like she does. You're nice and you care… you're a good person." Calvin told her honestly.

Olivia had to collect herself and take a moment, so she wouldn't get choked up.

"Thank you, Calvin." She said. "And I'm not leaving you or giving you up. Ever. I love you. I signed papers so you'd be my son legally and it's been one of the best things that I've ever done." She promised him.

"I'm sorry that you… you're a…" He hesitated, she could tell it still bothered him.

"I'm okay. I don't want you worrying about me." Olivia told him with a smile. "I've come to terms with it and I'm in a good place. I have so many wonderful things in my life that make me happy that I'm thankful for. I have you…" She said, giving him a small nudge. "I have Trevor. Elliot is one of my best friends and Fin and Munch are pretty nice too. I get to do work where I help people every day… and that's pretty fulfilling." For some reason she felt the need to prove to him and show him that she was happy. "I've come to terms with being a child of rape, and I'm okay." Olivia promised him.

"What do you do when that happens?" Calvin asked lightly.

"Well," Olivia began. "Some women abort, and some choose to give their babies up for adoption." She explained. "My mother kept me because back then, abortion was illegal and I guess she just didn't want to give her baby up to strangers…" She said, shrugging.

Later on when Olivia had become an adult, her mother had tried to tell her that she'd kept her because she wanted a daughter and she'd spewed a bunch of other reasons but Olivia knew it was all a bullshit lie to convince her to visit her mother more often, which was something she seldom did because of her mother's drinking problem and the abuse that she'd suffered at the hands of her mother.

"She would be my legal grandmother?" Calvin questioned, suddenly wondering why Olivia never mentioned her mom before.

"I guess so. I don't know whether she would have loved it or hated it but yeah…" She said with a small laugh. "You'd be her adoptive grandson."

"She's dead, isn't she?" He seemed to have caught on to the way Olivia was speaking in past tense.

"Yes. She has been for a few years now…." She replied gently. "My mother's name was Serena. She was and English Literature professor at Hudson University. She was… profoundly smart. I still have some of her literature books on the bookshelf…" Olivia said, pointing across the living room to the bookshelf by the wall close to the guest room and Calvin's room.

"Wow." Calvin said as his eyes darted to the bookcase on the other side of the room. "She sounds amazing…"

There was no way he could know what he was saying or the effect that it was having on Olivia. Calvin wanted so badly to believe there was good in everyone but there was also this side of him that was hesitant with new people because he'd been shown that there was not good in everyone.

"I'm going to tell you this because… well, you should know. I want you to know, to an extent, where I come from…" Olivia explained. She waited on Calvin to nod before she continued. "I loved my mother very much but… because I was a daily reminder of what happened to her, she never quite got over it… She was an alcoholic, she was abusive…."

"Like my mom?" Calvin piped up.

"Well… abusive in different ways." Olivia said as she tried to think of how to explain her abuse to him without totally going off the rails. "She drank vodka every single day. I'd have to cook, clean, make sure to put her to bed and put her cigarettes out so she didn't burn our apartment down… ever since I was a child, we'd get into arguments, fights when she was drunk, and she'd attack me in a rage. Sometimes I'd leave and go to a friend's house, other times she was too drunk to stay home alone…."

Olivia lifted up her left elbow and pulled her sleeve down, showing him a small, jagged, white scar.

"This is from a broken vodka bottle that she threw at me." Olivia said, and then she almost began crying when Calvin sat up and lifted his shirt.

"It's okay, look." Calvin said to her as he showed her a bigger jagged scar on his left side, accompanied by a few smaller ones. "I have scars too."

She was shocked. All she could do was stare at him for a moment as her left arm slowly lowered to her side.

"Oh god…" Olivia whispered as she scooted closer to him to inspect his marks. "Calvin, honey…. Tell me what happened. Who did this? Did Vivian do this? You're not going back to see her anymore. I know I said I'd support you but… but this…."

"No, one of her old boyfriends did it…" He replied, trying to act like it wasn't a big deal.

"What did he do?" She said, leaning in close but not daring to touch him until she had his permission.

"Olivia, you look like you're gonna cry." He observed out loud.

"Because I probably am going to cry…. What happened?" She asked again with more urgency, leaning up and looking into his eyes, signaling that he could put his shirt down because she'd seen enough.

"I don't know what the big one is from. I can't remember. The smaller ones are just knife cuts."

"How old were you?" She asked.

"Four, five, or six? Mom only dated him for a year I think… and then he was gone." Calvin told her. "He said he was my new dad and that he was going to toughen me up."

"Did she know?" Olivia asked quietly. "Calvin, did your mom know?" She asked again with more urgency when she didn't get an answer. All he did was shrug which was enough to tell Olivia that Vivian most likely had known and Calvin was trying to pretend like she hadn't because it was just easier that way and lessened the pain.

"Is this why you didn't want to go out for the swim team?" Olivia asked, wracking her brain of the reasons why she didn't know these scars existed. Sure, Calvin mostly swam with a shirt on, but it was because of the sun and not wanting to get sunburnt. But then again, kids usually complained about having to wear a shirt while swimming… but Calvin didn't.

"Yes." He said in a small voice.

Olivia nodded her head, taking another deep breath and trying to remain calm.

"What else did he do to you?" She asked, fearing all the possible answers.

Calvin shook his head slightly.

"Not much… just pushed me around… got rough with me. I'd have a black eye sometimes or some bruises but it wasn't that bad, honest." He told her as if he was trying to comfort her.

His very words reminded Olivia of Elliot when he first started telling her about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father. He'd tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, as if it was just something he had to go through but Olivia knew there was way more to it than that, and she feared the same was true for Calvin.

"Okay…. I will never, and I mean NEVER, date anyone who would do anything like that to you. The guys I date, they have to have my approval but yours too, if not, they're out of here. And if they ever touch you or do anything they aren't supposed to do, you tell me, Calvin. You tell me, so I can arrest them…." She said. "Or shoot them…" She whispered to herself.

Olivia sat back on the couch and put her feet on the ground, letting the back of her head hit the couch as she closed her eyes.

"Thank you." Came Calvin's soft voice.

She lifted her head and looked towards him.

"For what?" Olivia asked with a questioning look.

"When I told my mom I didn't like him, she told me that I was just a kid and I didn't know anything about relationships or how they worked. She didn't care what I thought, but you do. You care, Olivia." Calvin told her.

Ah, so Vivian had known after all. And it was most likely when Vivian was deep into her drug addiction.

"It's not your fault what happened to you, Cal. You just got dealt a bad hand in life. So did I…" She told him, reaching over and squeezing his hand. "And for the record, so did your mom. She might not have developed her drug addiction if she had a more loving mother who cared for her and her needs… but then again, I never developed a drug addiction, so I honestly don't know. Everyone is different but she at least deserved to be loved and cared for. All children do."

All he did was smile at her and squeeze her hand awkwardly.

Olivia could sympathize with Vivian to an extent. She knew what it felt like to be a child of rape, to question your whole existence and wonder if you should have ever been born.

"We have to tell your social worker about your scars…" She told Calvin in a soft voice. He clearly was disappointed and worried instantly. "It has to be documented so they know when it happened and what all went on… They need to know so Vivian can't claim that I did it down the road if she ever wants to cause problems for us…"

"I'd never say you hurt me." Calvin said quickly, his wide eyes looking at her. She could tell that this boy loved her so much and it just warmed her heart.

"I know…" She whispered, giving him a soft smile and squeezing his hand again. "I know… but we still have to tell them. You won't have to talk about it for long, you don't have to talk about it at all if you don't want to…." She promised him.

Olivia couldn't force him to talk but she was going to keep the social worker up to date with all of the information necessary. She wasn't going to do anything that could put his adoption in jeopardy. It was odd though, Olivia couldn't help but wonder why a doctor never reported the scars to anyone. It would surely have been seen as child abuse but then again, maybe the doctors Vivian had taken him to were off the wall, or she might not have taken him to any at all.

It hurt her to think of Calvin as a little boy and not being able to go to the dentist or have a yearly checkup like kids should.

"Now, let's see if we can make any progress on this game…" Olivia said, picking up her controller and quickly changing the subject. She'd had enough personal talk for tonight.

…

PRESENT DAY:

Olivia and Calvin reached the front door of the home and she rang the doorbell. It took someone a few minutes to answer because of the amount of people inside but that was no surprise.

"Olivia!" Kathleen exclaimed as she reached to hug the older woman. "You must be Calvin." The blonde said, smiling down at him.

This wasn't your traditional baby shower, all though Olivia was certain Kathy's other four showers had been traditional. This was just a normal house party/get together/BBQ. The Stabler's clearly hadn't wanted anything big or to have multiple showers so they'd opted on this get together.

Olivia had brought Calvin because Elliot had told her there'd be cousins there his age. Plus, she couldn't deny that she wanted Calvin to meet Elliot's family.

However, when Calvin saw a small group of guys his age throwing around a basket ball outside, he quickly deserted Olivia after handing her his baby shower gift.

"He'll be fine." Kathleen promised. "It's so good to see you!" She said. "And you'll get to see everyone, we're all here. Even Richard, he's home for a couple of weeks."

"Oh." Was all Olivia could say. She really wasn't expecting the entire Stabler clan to be there today. She was wishing more and more that she'd brought Trevor with her, but he'd had to work.

She followed Kathleen through the house to the kitchen. Apparently, most everyone was outside. There were several guys standing around the grill with Elliot and at one of the bigger tables sat a group of women. Olivia was sure Kathy was in there somewhere.

Olivia stepped more into the kitchen as Maureen excused herself to the bathroom.

"Hey, Liv." She was greeted with a hug from Dicky, which surprised her. Olivia got a wave from Maureen and Lizzie gifted her with another hug. "Crazy, huh? Mom keeps getting knocked up, Dad just can't keep his hands to himself, those two lovebirds!" Dicky told her with way too much enthusiasm.

Never the less, Olivia was caught off guard again. Her eyebrows rose, and she had a deer-in-headlights look on her face, clearly having expected the kids to know. In fact, she thought everyone at the party knew the baby wasn't Elliot's.

Maureen just snorted as she leaned over the counter and sipped on her coffee. "She totally knows." The oldest Stabler declared.

"Definitely." Dicky agreed.

Lizzie huffed. "Do you know?" She was the only one who actually flat out asked Olivia.

"Um…" Olivia bit her bottom lip, feeling a bit like she was in an awkward position. "Was it supposed to be a secret?"

"Was what supposed to be a secret?" Kathleen asked, having walked back into the room from having gone to the bathroom.

"Guys, don't do this to me…" Olivia nearly begged as she rolled her eyes.

"Come on, just say it…" Dicky asked with a little too much excitement.

Olivia huffed.

"That the baby isn't Elliot's…" The brunette said in a very low voice with a small shrug.

"Yes!" Dicky nearly shouted. "You and you, both of you owe me forty bucks!" He exclaimed, pointing to Lizzie and Kathleen.

"Damn…" Kathleen cursed under her breath as she began digging twenties out of her pocket.

Olivia pressed her lips into a thin line.

"What? You didn't want to bet on me?" She turned to ask Maureen with some annoyance. The oldest child just shrugged.

"He tells you everything. I wouldn't be surprised if you knew more about him than mom…" She said with a shrug, then went back to sipping her tea. The words almost sounded like there was more behind them, but Olivia left it alone. She didn't come here to pick a fight with Elliot's kids and to be honest, they weren't truly getting on her nerves, but he was. How could he not tell her that he was passing the baby off as his own?

"Okay, so before I go out there, to be clear…" Olivia said putting her hands up and gesturing. "Everyone here thinks that baby is Elliot's?" She asked.

"Yep." Replied Dicky. "Everyone except all of us in the room and mom and dad."

Olivia couldn't help but roll her eyes again.

"So, I take it they are for sure calling the divorce off this time?" She asked, more so out of curiosity than anything, but literally all four kids shrugged.

"Your guess is as good as ours." Kathleen told Olivia with sad eyes. "I don't care if they divorce…"

"None of us do." Maureen piped in.

"We just wish they'd stop going back and forth…." Kathleen said lowly.

Olivia swallowed. This was really hitting her hard. She hadn't spent much time with the Stabler kids in years. And they weren't kids anymore. Dicky and Elizabeth had to be twenty or twenty-one by now and Kathleen and Maureen had to be in their mid-twenties.

It was Eli that she saw the most and it wasn't even that often that she got to see him. She hated seeing what Elliot's rocky marriage was doing to them.

"Okay…." Olivia said, not knowing what to really say because now she was not only put in an awkward position, but her mind was going crazy. She was hurt and confused and she felt betrayed.

Elliot had still said he'd get a divorce after the baby came, even though she thought he should stay with Kathy and help her out. It can't be easy raising a baby in your forties along with a toddler.

It'd been over three months since Elliot had told her Kathy was pregnant. She was just getting to the eighth month marker. Olivia hadn't seen her yet but she figured Kathy was big. She had been with the other children but then again, she'd had twins too.

Olivia couldn't believe Elliot hadn't told her about keeping everything a secret. She's glad the kids had said something or else she might have accidentally told everyone. He had to have a good reason for not telling her. Her life was stressful as it was without this added to it.

….

FLASHBACK:

"It's a girl…" Elliot whispered as he lay next to her on the bottom bunk of one of the beds in the crib.

They were laying shoulder to shoulder, fully clothed and just taking a breather from the case.

She smiled in the semi-darkness.

"That's nice." Olivia said honestly as they both stared at the bottom of the bunk above them. "Kathy excited?" She asked out of curiosity.

Elliot released a small laugh. "Yeah, yeah she is. She only works part time now and she's saved up so many sick days that she'll be able to stay home way longer than maternity leave lets her… I think she's happy because she'll get to spend more time with this one, she'll really get to raise her and pay attention to all the small things we missed when we were working non-stop…"

"That's… that's good." Olivia commented, not really knowing what to say, but she was happy that Kathy seemed happy with the situation. Olivia knew it must be difficult for a woman to have one child, let alone six, and two of them being had while she was in her forties.

Elliot's hands were clasped together over his stomach and she mirrored his position although her feet were crossed at the end of the bed.

"She says she's gonna get her tubes tied right after she's born…"

Olivia began to laugh.

"Can you blame her? After five pregnancies I'd want mine tied too." She said with a smile nudging him.

Olivia could feel it in the air. She didn't know what it was but something was looming over them. He'd been too quiet and shut off lately. Elliot clearly had a lot going on in his mind and she'd decided not to push it, to just let him come to her with whatever it was in his own time but her patience was growing thin.

"Have you guys picked out a name yet?" She asked silently, testing the waters by mentioning both of them instead of just asking if Kathy had decided on a name.

"I think Kath wants to go with Riley but she's not one hundred percent sure yet…" He replied, still gazing above them.

"El?" Olivia asked gently.

"Hmm?" He replied, looking at her as she shifted onto her left side to face him.

"What's going on?" She asked lightly, putting one hand under her pillow and her right hand under her head as she drew her knees up slightly, toughing the side of his right thigh. "With you and Kathy I mean, what's happening there?"

Elliot exhaled deeply and used his left hand to briefly rub his eyes.

"I don't know."

Olivia remained quiet for a moment. She didn't know what that meant. Did he not know if he was going to stay with her? Did he not know if he had feelings for her anymore?

"I need more than that." She whispered, looking at him. "What do you know?" Olivia asked as gently as possible. The last thing she wanted to do was piss him off and she knew he had a reputation for shutting down when things got hard or too personal.

Elliot took another deep breath and turned on his right side to face her.

"I know that I care about you." He said softly, as he used his left hand to caress her face. Olivia closed her eyes to his touch. "I know that I can't divorce my wife right now because she's pregnant, and I know that if this other man doesn't step up, I will." Elliot explained.

Her eyes popped open at the last bit of his sentence.

"He still doesn't know what he wants to do?" She asked in disbelief.

It'd been a month since Elliot had told her about Kathy being pregnant which meant it'd been a little over a month since the biological father knew. He should have made up his mind by now.

Elliot dropped his hand from her face and gave her a soft look.

"He says he still needs more time. He's supposed to go with her to the next ultrasound and doctor's visit and see how it goes, but personally? I don't have a good feeling about it. I don't think he'll stay around." He told her in honesty.

That broke Olivia's heart in more ways than one. The whole situation did really.

She wanted to cry for the baby girl that Kathy was carrying. Olivia knew what it was like to never know your biological father and she hated that this little girl might have to go through some of the similar heartaches that she did. Seeing all the other fathers at school plays and not having one of her own, knowing her father didn't love her enough to stick around, and having to go through Father's Day after Father's Day used to be such an emotional rollercoaster for Olivia. But at least Elliot would step up. He wouldn't let this baby be fatherless.

Then there was Kathy. This was probably the first man she'd ever been with other than Elliot and it was turning into a disaster. Olivia couldn't even fathom what the blonde was feeling.

And then there was this whole situation where Kathy was actually having a baby girl that would probably become Elliot's daughter and Olivia couldn't help but think about the daughter that she'd had with him. It weighed on her mind and heart more and more each day that passed.

She knew she needed to tell him, and she'd decided she would. Soon. If he really did want to divorce Kathy and be with her, then he deserved to know the truth before he made a big decision like that. She was positive he'd be furious and probably go back into Kathy's arms but maybe that's where Olivia wanted him to go. Maybe she was tired of going back and forth with him and she just needed something solid, a decision that stood. Half the time, she thought he and Kathy belonged together anyways.

But she couldn't tell him about the miscarriage now, not when Kathy was pregnant. He'd blow up and go to Kathy and then Kathy would be a mess because she was pregnant. Olivia couldn't blow up their family right now and the stress wouldn't be good for the baby. After all, when Olivia had miscarried, the doctors had told her stress could have been a contributing factor along with her age and she didn't want to do anything to put Kathy's baby at risk. She'd have to tell him after the baby was born at least.

"I'm sorry." Olivia whispered softly.

He shook his head.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. This is on me and Kathy. We waited around and drug the divorce out for way too long…" He replied.

"I'm sorry." She repeated lightly. "I should have never asked you to leave her. That was wrong of me and it was something I'd promised myself I'd never do… you just caught me at a weak moment." Olivia explained, trying to make it seem okay that he was most likely going to be back with Kathy.

Elliot let out a harsh exhale and reached over to grab her hand.

"I'm not sorry that I love you and I won't take it back. You shouldn't be sorry that you love me either." He told her with a very small smile.

She jerked her hand away so quickly that she almost fell off the bed.

"I never said that I loved you. I've never said that. Ever." She said. Her demeanor had changed, there was now a fire in her eyes and she was no long relaxed.

He shook his head.

"You didn't have to…. I can see it in your eyes." Elliot whispered as he tried to caress her face again but she leaned back and turned around so she could sit up.

It was no secret. She'd almost said it to him a few times when they were fooling around behind Kathy's back. The few night's he'd stay at her apartment and they'd end up doing 'things' to release tension. Once, he'd been able to tell that she wanted to say it and he'd even told her to, he'd told her that he'd say it back but she'd declined.

"As soon as this baby is born, whether I have to be her father or not, I'm putting in my papers." He told Olivia as he turned over and got off the bed so that he could walk around and face her. She was standing now and it felt like her heart had stopped.

"What?" She said in shock. "Y-you're leaving me… Elliot, you can't do that!" Olivia nearly begged as she felt her eyes began to water. "I can do my job without our feelings getting in the way… we can-"

"No!" He cut her off quickly. "I'm putting in my divorce papers. We're refiling and this time we're going to go through with it, do everything we can to fast track it…" He said, walking closer to her, but she was still in shock.

He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her as she pressed her face into his chest and took a deep breath. Finally, he felt her arms sneak around his waist.

She couldn't help but hug him. Her heart had stopped at the thought of never seeing him. She would rather be able to have him as her work partner than not have him at all.

The she leaned back and pushed him roughly on the chest.

"You fucking jerk." She said with her eyes still flaring. "You scared the shit out of me."

Elliot rolled his eyes playfully and leaned forward, giving her another hug because now it seemed like she needed it.

He kissed her on the forehead and gently caressed her back with his hands.

"You and lover boy better start staging some fights because in a few months, I'm all yours, Olivia." He whispered in her ear and all she could do was hug him tighter and shiver at the chill that ran down her spine from his words.

She had to tell him about their daughter. Soon.

….

PRESENT DAY

"Okay, well… I brought a gift for the baby… the invitation wasn't specific if gifts were required or not so I figured better safe than sorry…" Olivia said more so to Kathleen than anyone as she held up the gift bag that had 'BABY' written on the side. She thought it was best to steer the conversation in a different direction. "The smaller one's from Calvin… he insisted on getting the baby something 'cool'." She explained with a flat look.

"Right on." Dicky said in agreement with Calvin's decision even though he still didn't know what the gift was. Clearly being in the service hadn't changed Dicky much but then again, Olivia figured he probably acted different here than he does at the base.

"Oh, you can put them in the nursery. Mom wants to open gifts later after everyone has left. She's just gonna visit with the fam for a bit and not everyone brought gifts anyways. It's just up the stairs, first door on the left." Kathleen said, pointing at the staircase.

Olivia nodded. "Thanks." She whispered as she made her way to the stairs and began to walk them.

It registered in her mind that the room Kathleen had said was the nursery, was the room that Elliot had been sleeping in months ago when Olivia had last been at the house for Eli's birthday. Gosh, that was… over ten months ago, almost a year ago. And if Elliot's old room was the new nursery, then Elliot must be back to sharing the master bedroom with Kathy.

Eli's birthday was coming up again sooner than she'd realized and she dreaded having to come to his party again. Maybe she just wouldn't be able to make it this year…

Upon reaching the doorway, she noticed that most of the things in the room were mint green. Olivia actually liked it. Kathy had strayed away from normal baby gender stereotypes.

There was a white crib and white puffy rug covering the floor. A dresser and changing table to match. Grey elephants and green butterflies covered the wall and "RILEY" was hung up over the crib in big, artsy letters.

There was a total of three rocking chairs in the room. One that was white and looked new, and two that looked like they were probably passed down in the family.

As she stood in the doorway and took in the room, it hit her harder than she'd expected. She wondered what colors she would have done her daughter's nursery in, what name she would have chosen, and the things she would have bought.

Olivia swallowed hard and took a deep breath. She walked over to the crib and leaned down to drop her gifts inside, where the other gifts had accumulated.

Turning around, she saw there was a big white bookshelf filled with many children's books. Some new and some old. The room looked amazing, it truly did. It made her wonder what Eli's room looked like, but she didn't think they'd put as much effort into any of the previous children's' rooms as they did this one.

Olivia smiled as she saw a mint green sock monkey sitting on the shelf and went over to pick it up.

This would have been something she would have gotten for her child. Something that looked ridiculous and comforting all at the same time. She wanted to laugh just looking at the thing that slightly resembled a monkey but it's arms and legs were way too long.

Taking a deep breath, she decided to walk over and sit down in the white rocking chair. Her eyes were filling with water and she needed to take a seat for a moment, choosing the new chair because she wasn't sure how sturdy the older ones were.

Everything was so surreal.

Olivia wanted to hate Kathy, she honestly did. The woman had everything she'd ever wanted. Kids, white picket fence, the man Olivia loved, a house to adore….

She shook her head at herself as she was deep in thought. Olivia knew she didn't deserve any of this. She'd slept with the woman's husband. There was no telling how much bad karma was coming her way. She fingered the sock puppet that lay in her lap and became lost in her thoughts.

"The kids said you were up here…" Kathy spoke softly as she entered the room, giving Olivia a sympathetic look once she realized the brunette was a bit emotional.

"Yeah, sorry… I um…" Olivia began as she started to stand up.

"No, it's alright." Kathy replied with a small smile, beckoning her to stay seated. Olivia leaned back and remained where she was.

Kathy was glowing when she was pregnant. Olivia knew it must have something to do with the hormones and things going on in her body but there was always a glow about her when she was with child.

There was no mistaking her belly. She was big and round, right on track for being almost eight weeks along.

The blonde made her way to the older rocking chair beside Olivia and gently sat down.

"I can't imagine how hard this must be for you…" Kathy empathized. "You didn't have to come, I would have understood." She said, looking at Olivia as she rested her hand on her round belly.

Olivia let out a small laugh and shrugged.

"I got an invitation."

"I couldn't not invite you…" Kathy said with a small smile.

Olivia left the comment alone.

"I put our presents in the crib with the others." The brunette explained. "One is from me and there's one from Calvin. He insisted on getting the baby a 'cool' present since apparently all grown-ups buy lame presents…"

Kathy let out a small laugh.

"I met him outside. He's a character. Congratulations, again."

A warm smile graced Olivia's face.

"Thank you." She replied. "I didn't mean to hide out in the nursery… I just… It threw me off, coming up here and seeing all this…." Olivia said with some guilt. "I thought I'd be fine." She whispered, looking around the room, wishing to look anywhere but at Kathy. She hated that Kathy was one of the few people that knew her secret.

"Is it your first baby shower since you lost the baby?" The blonde asked softly, hoping not to step on anyone's toes but she couldn't help but wonder if anyone else in Olivia's life knew the pain she'd went through or felt in response to having a miscarriage.

Olivia swallowed hard as her eyes filled with tears again.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to-" Kathy started.

"Yeah…." The brunette whispered, still not looking at the other woman.

Kathy nodded.

"The first shower is always hard, especially since it's not yours." She explained but Olivia shook her head in disagreement.

"I don't even go to showers… I… my friends are mostly guys and the couple of women that I am friends with don't have kids."

Olivia had no idea what was going on really. She didn't talk to Kathy like this, they weren't friends. And she was a private person. She wouldn't even talk to Elliot about it and it was hard enough for her to open up to Fin about it, so why the hell was she able to be so open with Kathy?

Kathy just shrugged.

"It's different for everyone…" She said as she leaned back and started rocking slightly as she rubbed her right hand over her belly.

Olivia scrunched her eyebrows together slightly as she looked over at the blonde.

"Kathy, have you…." The brunette started, maybe asking a question that she shouldn't.

"No." She replied, giving Olivia a small smile. "But a couple of my friends have had miscarriages and I can tell you, even years later it still tears them apart sometimes…"

Olivia swallowed hard and stared straight ahead. She'd thought she wasn't fully over it because she hadn't told Elliot and had been keeping this big secret from him. She hadn't thought about what the rest of her life would be like even if she did tell him.

In reality, she was robbed of birthdays she'd never get to celebrate, holidays together with her family, a high school graduation consisting of watching her daughter who would possibly look like a mixture of her and Elliot walking across a stage in a cap and gown.

"I take it the father has decided he doesn't want to be a father…" Olivia questioned out loud, turning her gaze on Kathy and changing the subject quickly before she broke down all together.

The smile from Kathy's face dropped instantly and she licked her lips before pressing them together in a thin line and placing the other hand on her belly now in almost a protective stance.

"I'm not trying to be rude…." Olivia said. "God knows I'm not judging you, not after the things I've done… It's just… Elliot's stopped talking to me. I didn't even know it was a secret until the kids said something earlier."

The blonde's eyebrows crushed together in confusion.

"What did they say?" She asked hesitantly, as if she was scared of what they said behind her back.

"Nothing really, it was more of a judge on my character than yours. They made bets that I knew already…." Olivia explained and Kathy rolled her eyes. "It's fine…" The detective promised. "But I might have given it away because I wasn't aware it was a secret…" She explained.

"I'm sorry. I thought he would have told you." Kathy said, giving Olivia a sympathetic look. Then the blonde took a deep breath and closed her eyes briefly, preparing to divulge the information to Olivia as swiftly as possible.

"He's decided he doesn't want to be a father. He was new at the hospital when we met, then we went out… with Elliot's blessing…" She added for good measure and Olivia nodded. "I didn't know he was married until about six weeks after I'd told him I was pregnant. No one knew he was married. He'd just moved here… So, he gave me forty-three thousand dollars and transferred hospitals…"

To say that Olivia was shocked would be an understatement. She was so surprised by Kathy's quick explanation that her mouth was still hanging open.

"I know." The blonde said, nodding sadly.

"Oh… oh my god, Kathy. What the actual fuck?" Olivia said, briefly forgetting the woman in beside her was semi-religious so she usually tried to tone down her foul language. "That's a ton of money… was he trying to buy your silence?" She asked, sticking her nose where it didn't belong.

The other woman shook her head.

"No, it adds up to two hundred dollars of child support per month for the next eighteen years." She explained.

"Well… um…" Olivia didn't know what to say. "That's a lot of money. A lot." Was all she could say.

Kathy shrugged.

"He was a surgeon so it's not like it hurt him…" The blonde replied coldly and all Olivia could do was nod. She understood the coldness. From what she'd been told, it wasn't just a fling, Kathy had actually liked this man and he'd eluded to her that they were going to be in a real relationship.

"I'm sorry." Olivia said with a sympathetic look.

Kathy shook her head again. "It's fine." She said, brushing off her pain and masking her sorrow. She'd let Olivia see enough for today.

The brunette stood up and walked to the bookshelf, putting the sock monkey back.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to head out… I just… it's a lovely party but I'm not real comfortable right now, not because of you but because…. Of personal reasons." Olivia said as she turned towards Kathy.

The other woman nodded. She understood Olivia. This wasn't about how in love Olivia was with Elliot, it wasn't about how Kathy was knocked up with another man's baby, or how now Elliot had to step up and be a father again. It was about the pain Olivia was suffering because she was haunted by memories that she'd never get to have of her own daughter.

Kathy laughed as Olivia put out a hand to help the pregnant woman up.

"I feel like a whale…" She said.

"Could be worse… you could be having twins again…" Olivia joked and Kathy rolled her eyes.

Their playful banter was odd, mostly because they didn't do this, they didn't get along. After all, the last time Olivia was in this very room with Kathy, she'd threatened to sue her.

Before they both made it out of the room, Olivia stopped the blonde.

"Hey, umm…" She called to Kathy who turned around to look at her. "I'm going to tell Elliot about the baby… soon, but I'm going to wait until after she… ummm, Riley, is born…" Olivia explained quickly. "I just wanted to give you a heads up… you know how he is and how his temper can be…"

Kathy swallowed hard.

"Not that it matters what I think, but I think that's a good decision. You're doing the right thing by telling him."

Somewhere in the back of Olivia's mind, she hoped that it'd be easier for Elliot to deal with since he'd have a new baby, and that maybe it's help make up for the one he'd lost.