If I'm not mistaken, this is the chapter that you all have been waiting for.
It's literally taken me almost 12 hours to write and I hope I did it justice. I look forward to the reviews, this story has come a long way for me and I will need your input and feedback on this one.
Olivia was pouring herself coffee in the squad room. Coffee that Munch had made. That alone was enough to ruin her day, but she didn't have time to run out and get herself some. Alex sure wasn't going to bring her any and Fin didn't really drink coffee but on special occasions or if they were pulling an all-nighter.
She was tired, drained. Ready for this case to be over and ready to go home.
Every now and then she'd glance at Elliot's desk, stare at the picture of him and Eli that he had propped up beside his computer screen. It was getting increasingly harder to focus on her current case, and this case's perp was in the running for Prime Minister, it needed all of her attention.
"Heard they beat 'er up in court pretty bad…" Fin whispered as he walked over to Olivia, clearly doing so only to talk to her since he'd have no intentions of getting coffee.
"She brought it on herself…" Olivia said as she shrugged, then began shifting through the creamers and sugars to find something to add to the horrible tasting coffee she was about to drink. "She lied repeatedly." She continued, shaking her head.
"She did what she needed to do to get asylum. Her attacker wasn't an American citizen, she can't even apply for a green card through VAWA and that woulda been the only decent thing to come outta this situation." Fin reminded Olivia. He'd known she was going through some stuff and for the first time in twelve years, he was worried that she wasn't really doing her job on this case. He wanted to make sure he had her back and she stepped it up before Cragen stepped in.
"Yeah well, it's one thing to be inconsistent but it's another to quote verbatim…" Olivia said, using her hands to talk in order to emphasize her feelings about what their vic had done.
Fin looked at her in disbelief.
"Wow…." He commented. "Everybody's ripping into her today…. What's up with you?" Fin tested even though he had a pretty good idea. "You tellin' me you don't think he's good for it?" He bluntly asked.
Olivia looked up as she ripped the tops off of the sugar packets and added the white substance to her coffee. She opened her mouth to speak, then hopefully her victim advocacy training kicked in and got the better of her because instead of answering Fin's question, which he had worried would have been answered with a 'yes', she said something different.
"It's not my job to decide whether or not I think he did it. What I think doesn't matter. I'm here to investigate and present the DA with all of my findings, whether he did it or not is for a jury to decide." And with that, she threw the empty sugar packets to the side, grabbed a mixing straw, and casually walked back to her desk.
"Well, at least she's doing her job…" Fin mumbled to himself as he glanced her way while he was walking back to his own desk.
…..
"Look…" She said into her phone. "I… I don't know what to say or do. I'm not going to stalk you. This is the only message you'll get from me. I just wanted… I wanted you to know I'm here… and… and I'm sorry… and… I probably shouldn't even be calling you…" Olivia hung up the phone, putting an end to the voice mail before her emotions got the best of her and her tears started against her will. For all she knew, he didn't even want to speak to her.
She was so tired of crying. She didn't know if Elliot hated her or even if he still loved her anymore.
Olivia was so glad Calvin still had eight days left at camp. His calls were about every three days now, which usually she'd be upset about, but it was a good thing considering all of the shit that went down while he was gone.
Both Alex and the newbie, Amanda, were at the bar ordering drinks. Olivia stared at them both. It wouldn't surprise her if the new blonde swung both ways or just batted for the other team all together. She couldn't help but wonder if Alex would try to pick her up, although Amanda didn't seem much like Alex's type, but Olivia really didn't know the girl that well yet.
Fin approached her from where she was seated at the small table across the room. It was a table for two that was far enough away from the bar for her liking. She'd chosen it on purpose, not wanting the company of Alex nor Amanda.
"Sup?" Fin greeted her as he took a seat without waiting for her permission.
She gave him a light smile.
"You talked to him?" Olivia asked as she picked at the label on her beer. They both knew who she was referring to.
"Not since the shooting." He replied. "He's probably just taking some time away, Liv. New baby at home, then he shoots a teen… that's a lot." Fin told her, but Olivia shook her head in disagreement. "What's going on, baby girl?" He asked, coaxing her by using his pet name for her.
"I…I told him about the… about my miscarriage…" She said in a hushed voice, still focusing on her beer bottle and all the sudden wishing she had another one. Her eyes filled with tears, Olivia was glad she was sitting with her back to the bar, so her co-workers couldn't see her. It was bad enough that Alex was back temporarily, but they'd gotten a new detective who was a female and Olivia didn't get along great with women she worked with.
"When?" Fin asked, leaning forward and placing his hand on her wrist, offering his comfort and love.
"Two days before the shooting."
"What'd he say?" The other detective asked.
Olivia just shook her head. She didn't want to think about it really, it was all a bit of a blur and very painful.
"I-I don't know. I left before he could say anything. I just… I panicked. The first time I saw him since I told him was when the shooting happened. He probably hadn't even had time to digest it and now he's supposed to be on leave not only for diaper duty but for the shooting. He hasn't tried to contact me….." She looked at Fin's face. "I think he's… I think it's just…"
"Take a deep breathe." He told her, rubbing at her wrist gently. "Let's not assume anything, alright?" Fin instructed lightly.
Olivia nodded in agreement.
"What about Cameron?" He asked, changing the subject just a little bit.
She raised her eyebrows in question.
"What about her?"
Fin gave her a knowing look. "She's a survivor, Liv. One who looked up to you and liked you a lot. Are you sure your head's on straight with this one?" He asked. Fin wasn't exactly sure what was going on between the two women, but he needed to check. He was a victim advocate too after all and it was his job to look out for Cameron and advocate for her with whatever may be going on. If that meant keeping Olivia in check, then so be it.
Olivia nodded her head lightly.
"I probably didn't think it through as much as I should have but… you know how you look up to someone famous and they just make you happy, they inspire you and you genuinely enjoy seeing their work? But you're also attracted to them because they're a really good person and you find them to be sexy as hell. So, if ever given the chance, you jump in the sack with them because god, they've inspired you and made you happy and you're really into them. Plus, it's an opportunity that you might never get again…." She tried her best to explain.
"And that's what you think it is with Cameron?" He asked carefully.
Olivia shrugged.
"I don't know but before I invited her over, we talked on the phone and that's what she told me. She's actively in therapy, she wasn't one of our victims so there's no conflict of interest…. I can't just not sleep with her because she's a survivor, Fin. That's just… it's rude and just… it would send the wrong message because she knew I was attracted to her, she could tell that at the club when we met…."
"She's young…" Fin commented.
Olivia narrowed her eyes at him. He took home younger women all the time who were in their mid or late twenties.
"Are you kidding me?"
He raised both his hands in surrender.
"I'm just noting it. She's younger than any woman I've ever picked up…"
Olivia side-eyed him.
"I'll never go younger, I don't like that, and you know it… she's just…. She's different. At least she looks older." She commented
"I just want you to be careful. If she's still working on healing, you don't want to be her downfall. Don't let her use sex as a crutch. You know how it goes with some victims, they either want to sleep with everyone because they feel it's a sense of control that they didn't have when they were assaulted, or they don't wanna be touched." He reminded her. It wasn't that way with all survivors but sometimes it was, and it wouldn't surprise him if that's what Cameron was doing. "Sex isn't a good substitute for love…." Fin said, eyeing her.
"You referring to me or her?" Olivia asked boldly with a hard face.
"Both." He replied and began to rub at her wrist again before she gently yanked it out of his grasp in order to take a sip of her beer.
…
"Olivia, all rape victims lie about something. You know that… how much they've had to drink, who they were with the night before, what they were exactly doing…" Alex stressed as they walked down the court house hallway. The blonde couldn't believe where Olivia's head was at with this case.
"She picked the wrong thing to lie about." The detective told the attorney, talking with her hands again out of habit. "One lie is fine, even too but, Alex, there's a pattern here…. How much damage control can you do?" She stressed as they stopped in the hall to face each other.
"Do you think she is telling the truth?" Alex point blank asked.
"I think a sexual assault took place in that room, I do think something bad happened to her." Olivia said after taking a deep breath.
"That's all I need to hear." Alex replied, then gently squeezed Olivia's arm and gave her a small smile. "I'm not sure what's going on with you…. I suspect it has something to do with Elliot and the fact that he has a new baby…" The change in Olivia's facial features was all Alex needed to know she was right. "I'm here if you need anything or if there's anything I can do. I know your head isn't with this case right now. I heard about the shooting…." The blonde confessed.
"Thanks…" Olivia gave her a small fake smile. "But I don't want to talk about it…" The detective told her, then Olivia backed out of Alex's touch and walked away. She hated how the blonde knew she and Elliot had had a thing going on.
And the shooting had just been the icing on the cake.
….
Her ears were still ringing as she stood in Cragen's office.
He'd called her in, asked her to shut the door for privacy. Olivia had thought he'd called her in to chastise her about how she worked the case and how even though he'd told her to take the Prime Minister candidate out through the back door, she'd given him the rightful perp walk that he'd deserved, full blown with media and paparazzi everywhere.
She'd expected him to put a mark on her jacket, even give her a wright up because honestly, she didn't care. She hadn't expected what he'd actually said.
"Elliot put his papers in." Cragen had told her in a soft voice.
Olivia stood still, looking at her captain in confusion, as if she didn't understand the words coming out of his mouth.
"W-what?" She stammered, crinkling her eyebrows together.
"There was nothing I could do." Cragen's soft voice came again. His eyes studied her, taking in her reaction for what he knew it was.
"He's… he's earned it…" She whispered as she felt her eyes well up.
This was because of her. She'd hurt him too much and he couldn't handle it. Then the shooting had happened. Everything happened too close together, Elliot never had a chance to even take a breath. Plus, he had a new baby at home. He was closer to fifty than she was. Maybe it was his time after all.
"Do you wanna talk?" Her boss asked in a kind voice, the voice he used for when he was a fatherly, loving figure, not when he was commanding his squad.
Olivia's mouth opened, then moments later, shut again. She couldn't think of anything to say. Shock was taking over and she was frozen in place.
Cragen walked over to her slowly as her tears began to fall against her will. He gave her a soft smile and guided her to the couch, then made sure to reach up and close the blinds in his office before he sat down beside her. Their emotional discussion hadn't gone unnoticed by her peers in the squad room. The captain eyed Fin as he pulled the sting to close the binds, knowing his detective was only seconds away from making his way into the office to check on his friend. Cragen had given him a slight shake of the head as to tell his detective that it was okay and not to come, that he'd take care of Olivia.
The first sob escaped, and she couldn't help it.
Olivia covered her mouth with both hands and closed her eyes as her ears flowed freely and her shoulder shook.
Cragen did what anyone close to Olivia Benson should have done. He sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him. She fell into his side easily, whether it was from wanting to or from pure exhaustion and shock, neither one knew.
"It'll be okay." He whispered.
After several minutes, her sobs finally slowed and even though she hadn't thought it was possible to feel even more drained, she did.
"Y-you don't understand…" She said as she sat up, shaking her head.
"But I do." He replied lightly, rubbing her back in soothing manner. Olivia turned her head to look at him as she wiped her eyes. "I know." He told her silently. When she didn't quite seem to get it, he repeated it a little slower for her. "I. Know." Cragen said again, conveying the message to her.
"Oh, god!" She said as a fresh round of tears started, and she covered her face from shock, embarrassment, and the many other emotions she was feeling at the current time, but Cragen just leaned in and gave her another hug.
"I don't know the details, but I do know what's been going on in my squad room for the past few years." He told her. She didn't dare look at him and kept her hands cover her face as she leaned forward and propped her elbows on her knees, sniffling. "I may be old, but I'm not stupid nor am I blind." He said with a smile as she finally peeked up at him.
"You should fire me… you should have fired us. We broke the rules. Why didn't you fire us?" She asked, sitting up and finding the nerve to look at him full on.
He shrugged.
"Don't ask, don't tell?" Cragen told her. "Plausible deniability?" He continued. "I couldn't possibly get rid of my two best detectives in the whole unit. It was wrong, yes, but it didn't interfere with your work and…" He said glancing at her, "I'm not judging you, Liv. But I also know you well enough to know that this wasn't just some fling. Anyone with eyes can tell you have feelings for him…"
Olivia began to shake her head. She did have feelings for Elliot, she loved him for fuck's sake, but there was still some good in her. It wasn't like Elliot came from a happy marriage and his most recent kid wasn't even his.
"It's not what you think… exactly…." She said. "I'd never take him away from Kathy. They were divorcing when anything started, he'd signed papers… I… fuck…" She said, exasperated.
So, Olivia gave Cragen, the man she loved and at times saw as a father figure, a watered-down PG version of the most important events that had happened ever since she and Elliot first slept together.
An hour later, at the end of their discussion, Olivia was still teary eyed, but she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She trusted Cragen with everything. He knew nearly everything about her family life and how she grew up. She loved him. Cragen was what her mother couldn't be; a recovering alcoholic. And she loved him even more for being sober. It gave her a glimpse of what her mother might have been had she decided to take a different path, a path of sobriety.
"I'm sorry for your loss." He'd told her when she'd opened up about her miscarriage. He even seemed to get a little teary eyed himself. "Marge and I could never have kids. I've always thought of you as a daughter and that'll never change, Liv. You've helped me stay straight more thank you will ever know…." Cragen confessed. "But I think you may need to give Elliot some room here…" He said.
Olivia huffed.
"You and he don't process things the same way… Elliot's different and sometimes, his temper gets the best of him." The captain reminded her. "A lot of shit just hit the fan for him. A new baby that's not even his biological child, finding out about a biological child that he'd lost years ago, the pain of the secret that you kept from him…. It's a lot. Plus, the shooting and now his retirement…. Liv, you gotta give him some time." Cragen told her as he gave her a thoughtful look.
She loved him dearly, and she was so, so very happy that he'd taken everything she said to heart, that he hadn't yelled at her or judged her for any of her decisions, not that she would have expected him too but the thought that he might was still in the back of her mind.
Olivia knew her captain was right. Elliot would need time to deal with these back-to-back events. And she hadn't meant to pile it on him so heavily. Meeting Riley for the first time triggered her emotions. It wasn't how she had intended to tell him.
Then the shooting happened, and no one could have predicted that. It was all too much for him.
The shooting, the miscarriage, her… So, it made sense that he was stepping away from it all, even if that included stepping away from Olivia.
….
FLASHBACK DURING THE PREVIOUS WEEK LEADING UP TO ELLIOT'S DEPARTURE:
Olivia was nervous and to be honest, she wasn't even sure she wanted to do this. She'd sat in her car for at least five minutes trying to come up with a good explanation as to why she shouldn't go in the Stabler house to meet Riley.
After initially meeting Eli literally as he was being born, she didn't see him until he was at least three few months old and Kathy brought him to the station.
She'd tried to talk Elliot out of it but eventually she'd given in and had agreed to come over. If she refused, he'd think she didn't like the new addition to his family or that she was rejecting this new dynamic that he was entering into with Kathy.
"She's only 4 days old. Aren't you supposed to keep them away from the general public until they're like three months old or something and they have their shots?" Olivia had questioned through text when Elliot had first invited her over.
"All the immediate family members have seen her. You're the only one who hasn't." He'd text back. "And you're def not the general public."
His reply had shocked her at first. It sounded like he was trying to tell her that she was family and she didn't like the thought of that right now, not after everything they'd done behind Kathy's back even if she did know about them at this point.
"What if I get her sick? Or I bring in some kind of germs and something happens to her?" She'd tried to reason with him. Olivia was glad they were texting instead of talking on the phone because he would surly hear the lies in her voice when she was trying to get out of coming over.
Obviously, Kathy had no knowledge that he was inviting her over, otherwise the blonde would have tried to step in and cover for Olivia. Especially after everything that had happened at the baby shower and her chat with Kathy.
"You've gotta come see her. She's perfect. Beautiful in every way. I've never seen someone so tiny and perfect." He gushed about his newest daughter. He was already a proud father and while it made Olivia sad for her own situation, it warmed her heart that he was taking this child in as his own. Elliot had always been a good man in that sense.
"Gee… don't let your other kids hear you talking like that." She'd replied instantly.
"Is this about Kathy and me agreeing to be the father?" He'd replied, clearly not amused by her light-hearted text.
"No, of course not. I'll be over in a little while, just let me hop in the shower." Olivia had given in. She didn't want to cause any turmoil between them, but she wasn't sure how she was going to handle this emotionally.
She should have known he'd want to share this experience with her somewhat. Especially if he was as serious about her as he claimed he was.
The photo Elliot had sent her was the same one he'd sent Fin. Riley's eyes were shut, she was wrapped tightly in a blanket like a baby burrito. Olivia couldn't tell much about her features or who she actually looked like.
So, when Olivia pulled up to the Stabler house, she sat in the car for five minutes trying to prepare herself for what was to come and almost certainly ensured a few tears.
She'd seen Kathy peek through the curtains a couple of times, checking on her. There was no doubt the blonde knew this was about to be an emotional meeting for Olivia.
Elliot had already explained that Kathy's parents had taken Eli since the baby was born and were going to keep him for couple of weeks in order to give them time to adjust to a new baby, which was harder now that they were even older. From what Olivia understood, the grandparents would bring him by nearly every day to visit and see his new little sister.
It was just the proud parents and the newborn at the home now and Olivia was very nervous. She was almost certain she'd have to go back to therapy after this.
After finding her courage, she walked up to the door and knocked. Kathy answered with a warm smile and invited her inside. Elliot was standing in the doorway of the kitchen holding Riley, smiling like the proud father that he was.
The image was enough to make her weak in the knees and it was seared into her brain forever.
"Shit." She whispered to herself as she felt her eyes well up, but Elliot didn't even notice because he was pushing Riley in her arms so quickly that Olivia took an immediate seat on the nearby couch.
Kathy watched Olivia with an emotionless expression. The blonde seemed to be worried about Olivia and was waiting to see how everything affected her.
"Isn't she perfect? She's just amazing…" Elliot said as he sat down beside his partner and watched the baby as Olivia held her.
The brunette's heart was racing. Olivia didn't think she had PTSD from her miscarriage but if she did, it would have been triggered this very moment. So many things were popping into her mind.
Is this what her baby would have looked like? Riley's blue eyes and light blonde hair were unmistakable. If she didn't know any better, she'd say this was Elliot's biological child, but she trusted Kathy and Elliot to tell her the truth after everything they'd shared with her personally. Olivia didn't know what the biological father looked like, but she figured this child obviously took after Kathy.
There were a couple of baby photos of Elliot and Kathy in what had been the guest room upstairs and they were both born with blue eyes and cotton blonde hair.
In a way, Olivia was thankful that Riley blended in with the family. It'd make it easier on the little girl to grow up with her big family if she looked like them instead of standing out if she'd been born with dark hair and eyes.
Olivia's hair hung down as she hovered above the child in her arms, studying her face and every little detail.
Elliot was right, Riley was a beautiful child.
Holding the baby close to her chest, Olivia rocked back and forth as she shut her eyes and the tears started to fall.
In a sense, Olivia knew this moment would be her undoing.
He'd already sensed something was wrong. Olivia had been teary when Eli was born too, but not like this. This was something else.
"Liv?" Elliot called hesitantly but he received no response.
Kathy tugged on his arm, signaling for him to move. He looked at her in question and realized she obviously knew something that he didn't.
"It's alright." The blonde whispered soothingly as she sat beside Olivia, who continued rocking Riley, who hadn't even picked up on the tension and was quickly falling asleep. Kathy wasn't alarmed. She knew her daughter was safe, but she was worried about Olivia's emotional and mental health.
"I'm sorry…" Olivia whispered.
It was almost as if she was talking to Riley. Or maybe not Riley per say, but to her own child. Like she was apologizing for not being able to do more or carry her to term.
"I'm so sorry…" Olivia said again, only this time it was louder, and she wasn't saying it to Riley. She was looking directly at Elliot. "You're going to hate me, and you have every right to. I'm so, so sorry." She said as her tears flowed freely, out of her control.
Elliot swallowed hard and his eyes were wide with confusion and concern.
Kathy took a deep breath, realizing what was about to happen. Before she could say anything, she felt Riley being slipped into her arms.
"She-she's beautiful…" Olivia said as she sniffled and used the back of her hand to wipe her nose. "She's… she's perfect, Kathy." She whispered. "But I-I need to go. I'm s-sorry but I can't do this…" Olivia said almost frantically as she side stepped around the coffee table and tried to walk past Elliot, but he caught her arm.
"What's going on?" He asked, refusing to let go of her. "I don't understa-"
"We had a child!" She half-cried and half-yelled at him as she pulled herself out of his grasp so forcefully that when she was finally free, she bumped into the piano by the wall.
"W-what?" Elliot shuddered in disbelief as his eyes went even wider and his mouth hung open in shock.
Kathy did her best to sit quietly on the couch, tending to her sleeping newborn but keeping an ear open for Olivia and Elliot. She didn't want to be nosey, but she feared Olivia wouldn't have even Elliot in her corner after this confession and to be honest, Kathy thought the woman had been through a lot, too much really. She knew about Olivia's childhood, she knew her husband's partner had suffered several trauma's and she just wanted to be helpful in any way she could.
Elliot stood eerily still. It was as if time stopped and the world around them was frozen all except for Olivia's sobs and constant tears. Her face was already red and blotchy.
"It was a girl… I miscarried… She-she didn't make it… I-I-I'm so sorry, El." It felt wrong to use his nickname, especially since she'd kept this from him and it was all spilling out now. "I have to go!" Olivia said quickly, and with that she rushed out the door and got into her car.
He didn't chase after her, still rooted in his spot from the shock he was experiencing.
Olivia sped off so quickly that she left tire marks in front of the Stabler's home. She wished she would have been in their squad car, so she could have used lights and sirens. Anything to get home to the safety of her apartment and lock the door. She just wanted to hide in her bed and never come out of her room again.
She'd hurt Elliot. Badly.
The man she loved, now without a doubt would hate her, despise her for not only killing their child but for keeping it a secret from him for over five years. Elliot would never want to be with her now. He wouldn't want anything serious with her and it wouldn't surprise her if he never wanted to see her again, if he changed partners or even units.
She didn't stop at a liquor store on the way home.
She didn't call up Cameron or Trevor for sex, which would have probably been on the table at this point.
Olivia simply went home, locked herself in her room.
The next day, she let Cragen know she wouldn't be coming in, she was taking a sick day. Was she actually sick? You could say that. Olivia laid in bed and replayed the conversation with Elliot over and over in her mind until it almost physically made her sick and she was sobbing all over again.
He didn't try to contact her via text message, calling, or knocking on her door. So, Olivia respected his decision. She knew he wouldn't be into work for at least a couple of weeks anyways since he'd taken off to help Kathy with the new baby.
That afternoon, she got her normal phone call from Calvin. Pulling herself together enough to have a phone conversation with her son was hard but she did it.
"So, you're set on hockey?" Olivia double checked, speaking into the phone.
"I think so." He replied. "I'm really good at it and I've already learned all the basics." Calvin explained.
At least it was something he could do year-round even if there was an on and off season. There were indoor rinks all over the city, some were for ice skating but most of them were specifically for practicing hockey, especially in the offseason.
"I'm glad you're enjoying yourself." Olivia told him. "I really miss you…" She said softly.
"I miss you too, mom." Calvin told her.
Olivia fell silent. She was tearing up again. The boy knew how to tug on her heart strings and she was already extra sensitive because of all the shit going down with Elliot.
"Olivia, you can't get all emotional and mushy every time I call you 'mom'." Calvin continued, seemingly knowing why she was staying silent, also because it had been happening when he'd call her 'mom' off-handedly in person. Olivia could almost hear his smile through the phone.
"I know, I know…" She said, letting out a watery laugh into the phone. "I'll get over it, I promise. Just give me some time."
"Sure…" He said jokingly.
Calvin hadn't mentioned Riley this time. The last phone call she'd received from him, he'd asked if Miss Kathy had had the baby yet. Of course, Olivia told him yes, and that she was happy and healthy.
Olivia was surprised to hear how eager Calvin was to meet the new addition to the SVU family. She got the feeling that he'd never actually been around small babies before, much less newborns.
The brunette had to admit that she felt better after speaking with Calvin. It calmed her, and she loved him so much. She truly did miss him. Olivia missed laughing with him, them poking fun at each other, and playing xbox with him. She couldn't wait for him to be back.
…
Olivia had decided to take off the following day as well. Then she'd received a call from Fin. She'd initially thought he was calling to check on her, but he was actually calling to notify her that a homicide co-victim was requesting her by name.
Once she made her way to the crime scene, Olivia knew who it was. Jenna Fox. Her mother's rape trial was supposed to start next week.
The case took off too fast. Olivia did everything she could to assist with the investigation but there wasn't much she could do since she was a sex crimes detective and homicide was handling the case.
As it turns out, Olivia and Fin ended up finding the hired assassin before homicide and put the accused rapist along with the man who'd actually shot Jenna's mother in a holding cell in the squad until homicide could come pick them up and transfer them to booking.
It was nearing ten o'clock at night. Olivia was at work way too late and way past her usual time that she would be headed home but this case was important to her.
Of course, the media can't keep their nose out of things and word got out that the killer had been arrested and Jenna Fox showed up at the precinct to see for herself.
Olivia assured Jenna that the men had been caught, and when Jenna asked to see them for herself, the detective didn't hesitate to show her. After all, Jenna had no one now and she deserved to see the faces of the men that raped and murdered her mother.
"You okay?" The brunette detective asked the younger woman. Olivia hadn't forgotten that she was supposed to be getting ready for prom, but instead, Jenna had decided not to go. It was too sad for her.
"Yeah… yeah…" Jenna replied as she turned around and began walking towards the elevator. Olivia stopped her briefly, offering words of comfort and encouragement.
"You know I'm here for you, right? You have my card. If you need anything, and I do mean anything, call or text me. Please. Do you need a ride getting home? It's getting late and it's dark out…" Olivia offered, wishing Jenna would just take her up on her offer.
"No… No, I have a taxi downstairs…" The girl mumbled.
"Okay, take care, Jenna." Olivia replied as she watched her get into the elevator.
Olivia's heart went out to the girl. She actually had a decent, loving mother. Now, she had no one. No extended family and no aunts, uncles, or cousins. It was a very sad situation.
The detective returned to her desk, hoping to finish her paperwork quickly in order to get out of there when a figure caught her eye.
Elliot was walking into the squad room in jeans and a t-shirt. He had some paperwork in his hands, most likely something he needed to turn into Cragen, so he could take his two weeks off for baby duty.
He eyed here and stopped walking a mere three feet from her desk, clearly surprised to see her there at this hour when she wasn't on call for the night. Since Olivia had gotten Calvin, she'd been going home at a decent hour, vowing that she'd be the mom he deserved.
Olivia stood up and opened her mouth, intending to ask what he was doing there. Neither one had spoken to each other since she'd told him about the miscarriage. She was almost in shock to see him standing in front of her. It was so sudden that she wasn't prepared.
As she began to speak, she was stopped by the sound of shots ringing out through the squad room.
Jenna Fox had come back with a gun and had opened fire.
She shot at the men in the holding cell first, clearly intending to kill or severely hurt her mother's attackers. It was obvious Jenna had never used a gun before and wasn't skilled on how to. The bullets were flying everywhere, and she didn't have good aim. Not only that, but she was also holding it incorrectly giving her less and less control over where the bullets went.
"Jenna!" Olivia yelled right before Elliot flung himself towards her and pushed her onto the ground behind the edge of their desks that were placed together.
Sister Peg screamed as she fell to the ground by Olivia's desk, she had been in the squad room helping with a prostitution case but was now deathly wounded by a stray bullet.
"No!" Olivia screamed as she crawled over to the nun, hoping to stop the bleeding but Olivia knew it was no use. There was too much blood. All she could do was sit with the woman and comfort her until she fell unconscious from a deep sleep that she'd never awake from.
"Jenna, STOP!" Olivia yelled towards the teenager, but the bullets continued to fly.
"JENNA!" Came a loud booming voice from behind Olivia. She turned around to see Elliot had gotten his spare gun out of his desk drawer and was propped up behind the desk pointing it at Jenna. "Jenna, stop! Put the gun down!" He commanded, seemingly realizing who she was with the help of Olivia identifying her by name.
Jenna turned and stared at them, it seemed as she was in shock and was only just now realizing the weight of what she'd done and the innocent people in the squad room that she had hurt.
"That's it" Elliot said in a calmer voice. "Just put it on the ground slowly."
The young girl did as she was told, slowly lowering the weapon as she neared the ground.
"You stupid bitch…" They all heard coming from the cell full of criminals. "I should have shot you too when I shot your mother…" The man said with laughter.
Everything seemed to happen in slow motion.
Anger flashed across Jenna's face, and instead of putting the gun down, she began to lift it back up to shoot her mother's murderer. Elliot yelled and waited as long as he could before firing his weapon.
Olivia watched with wide teary eyes, unaware that Sister Peg had just died in her arms.
The bullet hit Jenna in the side of the chest. There was no doubt that it ripped through her right lung and probably went into her left one. She fell to the ground and blood began to come out of her mouth almost instantly.
Olivia let out a high pitch scream, it was a rare occurrence for her to scream in a setting that was outside the bedroom, but this was a scream of alarm and panic.
Elliot ran over as quickly as he could, kicking the gun away from her hand and taking her head into his arms in an attempt to make her more comfortable.
"No, no, no…" He mumbled.
She wouldn't make it, he knew that and so did Olivia, but they still didn't want to believe it. This was a girl that they'd worked closely with. Her mother's case was fairly easy, plenty of evidence and DNA. The trial would have been possibly one of the easiest in New York history, which is probably why her mother's attacker hired a gunman to murder her. He would have known there was no way he was getting off of that rape charge.
"I… I just bought it off the street…." Jenna said as she coughed up blood. "It was-s easy…" She mumbled before the light went out in her eyes and she went limp in Elliot's arms.
He sat there for a couple of seconds looking wide eyed and alert, trying to wrap his brain around what had just happened. He was only supposed to stop by the precinct for a couple of minutes to drop some papers off for Cragen.
When Elliot looked over at Olivia, her mouth was wide open, and she was looking down at Sister Peg, realizing that she had been trying to slow the bleeding on a lifeless body.
As Olivia looked up, her eyes locked onto Elliot's across the room. She didn't quite know what to do, shock was taking over and it seemed to be doing the same for him as well.
Then, all of the sudden there were officers everywhere. Someone was helping Olivia up and ushering her to a seat, asking her if she was hit. She lost sight of Elliot as he was taken to sit in an interview room, most likely to wait on IAB.
Olivia knew Ed Tucker had it out for both of them, so it didn't surprise her one bit when thirty minutes later, the older man strolled past her desk and headed to presumably where Elliot was.
Sheets had been used to cover up Sister Peg and Jenna. The three men in the holding cell were sent to the hospital straight away, for fear of a law suit against NYPD for not keeping them out of harm's way while in custody.
Cragen showed up and bypassed her, giving her the smallest glance as he made his way to where Elliot was.
It was all a big mess. Olivia was sent home long before Elliot and that was the last time she saw him.
Her entire situation seemed to worsen. Of course, she had the next few days off and was required to get a psych evaluation even though it'd been her partner that had done the shooting and not her, which she passed.
She still didn't her from Elliot and the only time she reached out was days later, at the bar before Fin showed up.
…
PRESENT DAY:
Cragen had Fin take Olivia home, and requested that Fin take the rest of the day off as well. It was close enough to quitting time that it wouldn't make that big of a difference anyways.
Olivia unlocked her door and entered her apartment like a zombie. She couldn't believe the events that had unfolded the past two weeks that Calvin had been gone, and there was still one more week before he came home.
Fin toed his shoes off and unbuckled his belt, laying it on top of his shoes by the door, clearly making himself at home. Cragen had mentioned Elliot put his papers in and apparently, Fin had no intentions of leaving Olivia alone tonight.
She looked at him when she realized he'd taken his belt off and cocked an eyebrow at him.
"Shouldn't you at least take me to dinner first?" Olivia shot at him.
He smiled at her, taking in her joke. She needed to laugh, she needed to get her mind off of everything that was happening around her, otherwise she'd crumble.
A little after seven, Kathy called her.
Olivia almost didn't answer but she thought better of it and picked up the phone.
"Benson." She said in her cop voice even though she'd known it was Kathy. Maybe she just wanted to sound like she was working.
"Liv, hey. It's Kathy…" The blonde said even though both women most likely knew it was just a formality.
"Hi, Kath." Olivia said, waiting to hear what the woman was calling for.
"I um… I was wondering if I could talk to you." She said. "In person." Kathy added.
Olivia's heart dropped. This couldn't be good. Kathy didn't have regular talks with Olivia like this unless something was up and with the amount of shit that had gone down recently, it could be about anything.
"Are… are you sure that's a good idea?" Olivia questioned, biting her bottom lip.
"Elliot isn't here." The blonde said. "And he won't be here tomorrow either. I was hoping you could drop by? I can get my mom to take Riley. Or I can come meet you? It's… it's actually about Elliot." She explained.
Olivia's throat thickened and she all the sudden had this gut-wrenching feeling.
"Are you okay?" The brunette asked immediately, her detective senses kicking in.
"Yes, I'm fine." Kathy assured her.
"Is Elliot okay?" Olivia questioned, feeling Fin's eyes on her.
"Yeah… yes, he's alright…. Everything is okay now, that's what I wanted to talk to you about." Kathy said more hesitantly.
"I can come over tonight if you need me too…" Olivia offered, curiosity getting the best of her.
"You don't have to do that…" The blonde insisted.
"Kathy… you're scaring me." The detective told her bluntly.
"I'm sorry." Kathy apologized. "I didn't mean to scare you. If… If you really want to, you can come over now."
"You're sure it's not too late?" Olivia questioned.
"No… are you kidding? I'm a new mom again, my sleeping schedule is all kinds of messed up." Kathy said, clearly trying to lighten the mood and get rid of the awkwardness.
Olivia hung up the phone, telling Kathy she'd be over shortly. Of course, Fin wouldn't let her go alone and he drove her to queens. He wouldn't go in either though, insisting that whatever this was, it was between her and Kathy, and that he had no desire to be around a screaming baby.
"You don't have to sit out here…" Olivia told him.
"Nah, I'm just gonna patrol, people watch… you know." He told her with a small smile.
"You hate patrolling, Fin." She pointed out as she opened the passenger door to get out of the car.
"Yeah, but I love you. So, I'ma be right here." Fin promised her. She shook her head and took a deep breath. Olivia wasn't sure she'd ever had a better friend than Odafin Tutuola.
Butterflies were in her belly as she knocked on Kathy's door instead of rang the doorbell, which was just common curtsey when there was a newborn in the home.
After a few minutes, Kathy opened the door and greeted Olivia with a warm smile, ushering her inside and not even noticing Fin in the car.
It was awkward, but Olivia had to admit she felt a little better knowing she wouldn't be confronting Elliot tonight even though she wanted him to contact her more than anything. She just wanted to know where she stood with him.
"What's going on, Kathy?" Olivia asked as she took a seat on the couch, looking around and noting that Riley was nowhere to be seen.
"She's asleep in the crib…" The blonde informed Olivia as she noticed the brunette looking at the empty baby rocker by the wall. Then Kathy pointed to a small, white baby monitor on the coffee table that had a green light lit up to showcase that it was on and working.
Olivia nodded in understanding and watched Kathy as she joined Olivia on the couch.
"Elliot is at Pine Hills…"
The detective blinked a couple of times before managing to speak.
"What-what is that?" Olivia asked slowly, automatically fearing the worse as she pushed her hair behind her ear.
Kathy took a deep breath before she began to explain.
"It's a mental health facility. It's where you go if you have an eating disorder or are harming yourself. It's also where people go if they are suicidal or attempt suicide…." She explained.
"Oh, god!" Olivia said loudly as she covered her mouth with her right hand and closed her eyes, willing her tears not to come, not yet.
"No, no…." Kathy said quickly, putting her hands up and trying to be reassuring. "He didn't do anything. He's okay and he's safe. Elliot didn't try to do anything." She said strongly, grabbing at Olivia's shoulder.
The brunette sniffled and her eyes watered as she removed her hand from her mouth and looked at Kathy.
"He um… he went to talk to a priest yesterday at the church we go to sometimes… apparently, he got a lot off his chest and lit a candle for… for your baby and went to give his papers to Cragen. Then he came home, and he told me about some feelings he was having. This morning, he called a buddy from his marine days to come get him. He packed a bag and with a referral from the priest, Pine Hills took him in. It's just a precaution, to keep him from doing anything that he might be thinking about doing in the future and it's completely voluntary, he can leave at any time. They keep you for only five to seven days. If you need to stay longer, they refer you out."
Olivia sat in silence and looked down at her lap. She thought she might need a trip to Pine Hills at this point if she kept hitting the fan like this.
"I'm so sorry." She whispered, looking up to Kathy as a stray tear made its way down Olivia's face.
The blonde shook her head.
"It's no one's fault. Just… with a new baby here and then the shooting, plus, him finding out about the miscarriage… it was a lot on him and I think he scared himself with some of the things in his head… he's gonna be okay though. I know this place, they're good, they'll take care of him." Kathy promised Olivia. "I just didn't want you to think he was ignoring you… this is bigger than you and me… it's bigger than the both of us."
Olivia nodded in understanding. She was grateful the woman had reached out to her.
"Does he know that you told me?" The detective asked.
"He said I could tell who I thought fit, that he didn't care, he just wanted to get better…" She explained. "Cragen knows, you know, and I know…" Kathy replied. "As of right now, that's it. I'm just gonna take it day by day and see how it plays out for now."
Olivia nodded again.
A cry came from the monitor on the coffee table. Riley was no doubt demanding food and it sent a smile to Kathy's face. She looked to Olivia and hesitated before finally asking her if she'd like to feed Riley. Apparently, Kathy had been pumping some during the day so she could bottle feed Riley at night to give her breasts a break.
Olivia swallowed.
"I wasn't sure if I should ask, or if you'd want to see her. If not, it's okay, I completely understand. I just wanted to give you the opportunity."
The brunette bit her bottom lip.
"I'd love to feed her…" She said in a small voice. "I can't promise I won't get emotional, but I swear I'll do better than the first time I met her." Olivia assured.
Kathy left to heat up a bottle, then went up the stairs to fetch the hungry infant. Olivia was waiting and ready when she came back into the living room.
Riley settled into Olivia's arms and took the bottle like a champ. Olivia studied her face and how her eyes sparkled, then began to close slowly as she was nearing the last bit of her milk.
"I know it probably wasn't exactly how you wanted to tell him, but aren't you glad you did? Don't you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders?" Kathy said as she sat beside Olivia, watching her daughter take her bottle. It was weird, especially since the two of them had never been real friends and they were discussing information pertaining to a man that they had both shared.
"I felt a little like that at first but… now… let's see how Elliot is doing in a few days…" Olivia told the other woman. "Kathy…" The brunette called, looking up to the blonde. "How… how did he act after I left that day?" Olivia questioned.
"Well… he left shortly after you did… I thought he was going after you but when he came back, it was clear that he hadn't spoken to you." She said.
Olivia took a deep breath and glanced down at Riley before looking back at Kathy.
"You two just need to talk… he was a mess and I gave him some information to sooth his nerves… he clearly knew I was aware of it… he's a detective and I didn't react to the situation so…."
"I didn't mean to drag you into this…." Olivia confessed. "I'm sorry, Kathy." She said. "And for future reference, I don't care what you tell him. You can tell him everything I've ever told you…. Just as long as he's okay… that's all I care about."
But the blonde just shook her head.
"Don't apologize. It's over… let's just take it one day at a time…."
Olivia agreed.
….
Later that night, Fin drove them back to Olivia's apartment. She told him what all Kathy had told her. Of course, she didn't get through it without shedding a few tears. Olivia couldn't bear it if something happened to Elliot or if god forbid he did something to himself.
She and Fin ended up falling asleep on the couch. He held her while she cried, and he continued to hold her all night long. He'd be there for her when she needed him to.
That's what friends were for.
Disclaimer: It's really important to me that everyone knows I do not believe a miscarriage (or abortion for that matter) is equivalent to killing a child. Sometimes, that's the way the mother feels when she loses a child when it is due to her body not cooperating or being able to carry to term, so I portrayed Olivia as feeling this way as well.