Hi Everyone! In this chapter, Helga will attempt to come to terms with what has been causing her and Phoebe to become distant for years. Will Phoebe forgive her or will it be just pouring salt on a wound?
Phoebe walked around her room nervously, as she waited for Helga to arrive. Although she would not divulge what she wanted to talk to her about, in her gut, Phoebe couldn't hide what she already suspected. She knew that Helga wanted to talk to her about the incident with Gerald years back. However, she wasn't sure if Helga was going to apologize or simply wanted to justify her actions. And why now? Why did she have to wait for years to finally apologize? What changed?
Whatever the reasons, the topic was making Phoebe extremely nervous and angry. She had never forgiven her for what she almost did to her boyfriend on that day. Worse still, that incident caused her to seriously consider a frightening option: terminating her friendship with Helga. Helga knew just how much Gerald meant to her. Even more, she knew that Gerald was only trying to help, trying to find a way to get her to trust him. Phoebe didn't need her to tell her that. It wasn't a crazy idea; both her and Arnold trusted him, two people whom Helga was closest to. Yet, she was unable to trust him. Instead, she allowed her fear and insecurity to get the better of her and she took her frustration out on Gerald.
The first weeks after the incident were hard on Phoebe. She was so furious at Helga that she was unable to see, much less speak to her for several days. Even on the day when they met up, Phoebe had to use every ounce of her strength to not yell, nor insult her. She understood why Helga had acted so defensively, yet she was unable to forgive her because despite the reasons, she crossed a line and she knew it!
Helga for her part, made no mention of the incident. She knew it would set Phoebe off and she was scared of what she would say or do to her. Yes, for the first time ever in their friendship, Helga G. Pataki was in complete fear of how Phoebe would react against her. Her fears were not unfounded; she was able to see it in Phoebe's eyes and it hurt her to see the anger and hate that Phoebe felt toward her. Helga realized that since their San Lorenzo adventure, Phoebe had become more confident and more independent of herself, so much so that Helga was no longer able to simply push her around or get her to take orders like she used to. Although Phoebe made no mention of it, Helga had serious suspicions that Phoebe may have wanted to end their friendship. Shame had so much consumed Helga that out of necessity, she repressed the memory of the incident and made every attempt to never raise the issue with her. Despite wanting to apologize to Phoebe, Helga felt that a simple 'I'm sorry' was not enough and she was petrified with fear of possibly losing her only, real friend.
It took Phoebe some months for her to behave normally around Helga. Unbeknownst to Helga, Phoebe was getting the necessary support from Arnold and even Gerald to get her to continue her friendship with her. Had it not been for their support, there was a real possibility that Phoebe would not have been able to continue with her friendship with Helga. Gerald's support was especially crucial. Despite getting almost beaten up, he insisted to Phoebe that she should continue her friendship with her. Gerald had made a promise to Arnold that he never allow any girl or person to get in the way with their friendship. He had the same expectation for Phoebe's friendship with Helga. As far as he was concerned, the incident was between him and Helga. Plus, Helga had no one else and he was afraid that if she lost her only friend, it would make things worse for her.
As Helga text messaged Phoebe to let her know that she was close, Phoebe contemplated on what she would say to her.
What could she possibly want to talk about? Is it about Rodrigo, or the incident with Gerald? Oh, I really do hope it is about Rodrigo. She thought.
But if it is about the incident, what should I do? Should I accept her apology if she does ask for my forgiveness? Should I just let it go? No. Even if she comes here to apologize, I am not going to let her go easily. She needs to hear me out, she needs to know just how much it hurt me when she put her hands on my boyfriend. She needs to understand just how hard it was for me to ignore the incident as if it never happened. She needs to know! She thought.
As Helga was walking toward Phoebe's house, she started becoming increasingly nervous. Her heart started to beat faster and more heavily. She was starting to experience a shortness in breath. Eventually, she had to stop midway and attempted to calm down, trying not to panic. She had been scared before, but this takes it to a whole new level. Unable to calm down, she attempted to call Rodrigo.
"Hello?" Rodrigo answered.
"Hey...it's me. I don't think I can do this." Helga responded back, while trying to breath.
"It's OK, just take deep breaths." he instructed her.
After about a minute of her breathing in and out, he then asked her,
"Just talk to me. Why don't you think you can do this?" he asked.
"Because I'm...scared...scared that she might not wants to be friends..."she answered as she was seriously choking up. Tears started falling down her cheeks.
"I was just so scared that she may have wanted to break it off back then, that I wasn't able to face it." she continued.
"Helga, I don't think she will break off her friendship with you. If she wanted to do that, she would have done it years ago. Yet, she remained your best friend. Yes, it was a hard pill for her to swallow, but she nevertheless did it, for you. Now, it is your turn to do the same. You have to do it, for her."
"But what if she doesn't forgive me?" she asked.
"Helga, that's a risk you are going to have to take. Sometimes to be a good friend means risking losing one. Will she be mad? Yes. Will she yell at you? Definitely. If she doesn't forgive you now, then I think she will with time, but at least you guys are able to put this aside and move on."
"OK, you're right." she said.
"You'll be fine. Just let her say what she needs to say, OK?" he said.
"OK"
"OK, let me know how it goes."
"OK, thanks. Bye"
"Bye"
Helga hung up her phone and continued walking. The weather did not help with the situation. It was already below freezing and it was snowing, with occasional winds. Helga couldn't help but notice the weather as a metaphor for her friendship with Phoebe; it had not only become distant, but cold. Ever brush of wind that she experienced, she metaphorically treated it as Phoebe pushing her away, to deter her from talking about it. Yet, she remained adamant: this had to end. Despite the cold, she quickly made her way to Phoebe's house. Finally, she made it and knocked on the door.
Mr. Heyerdahl opened the door and allowed Helga to come in.
"Thanks Mr. Heyerdahl. The weather has turned bad."
"I'm surprised you braved through this weather to see Phoebe today, Helga. Wouldn't a phone call have sufficed?"
"Unfortunately not. This is something that I need to speak to her in person." she responded back.
"Well, she is upstairs in her room." said Mr. Heyerdahl.
"Thanks."
Helga made her way up the stairs and into Phoebe's room. She found her best friend at her desk, trying to do her homework.
"Hey Pheebs. Thanks for seeing me today." said Helga.
"Not a problem Helga. So what it is what you wanted to talk about that you had to brave this weather? Is everything alright?" she asked her.
"No, it's not and that's why I needed to talk to you." she said.
Helga's heart was pumping so fast that she felt she was going to have a heart attack. Her hands were frozen from the nervousness that she was experiencing. But it is too late to back down now. She had to go through with it. She sat down on Phoebe's bed and began.
"I umm...no, we need to talk about the incident with Gerald some years ago." She finally confirmed her reason.
Despite Phoebe having been suspiciously aware that this is what Helga wanted to talk about, she felt she couldn't bring herself to discuss it. Too many emotions were simultaneously coming up that she was having trouble controlling. She initially felt that she was sure she would be able to talk about it. She even prepared a list of what she wanted to say to Helga. Now, she felt herself crumbling and was losing confidence if she was able to restrain herself.
"Helga, there's no need to bring that up now. That happened years ago and it's in the past..." she attempted to dissuade Helga from discussing this, but Helga held firm.
"No, we need to talk about it." she cut Phoebe off. "I'm just going to flat out say it. That's the problem; it's in the past, but it continues to affect the present, it's been affecting our friendship."
"Our friendship hasn't been the same since that incident, and I know I'm at fault. I missed us. we are not as close as we used to. And I know that you have been busy with school and stuff but we both know that that incident has played a big role in our friendship having cooled."
she took a deep breath and then continued,
"I just wanted say Phoebe, that I'm sorry for what I did to Gerald. I'm really sorry. There's no excuse for what I did to him. I know he just wanted to help, but he got me completely off guard about it. Him asking about my family situation just came out of nowhere and I didn't know how to react to it, except the way I usually do."
Phoebe looked on at her friend without moving an inch. Truth be told, she had waited for a long time for her to apologize for the incident. In other instances, she would have been able to accept it and move on. She should feel relieved, but instead, all she was experiencing was anger and it was continuing to rise. There were a lot things to be angry about. Why did it take her so long for her to apologize? Did she also apologize to Gerald? Her reasons were still not justifiable. Was she doing it for her own self intentions or were they genuine? Naturally, she wanted to ask her these things, to just discuss it but she was unable to. She was getting too angry, too emotional to think logically.
"You're sorry?" she asked.
Helga simply nodded.
Phoebe inhaled deeply, started frowning and re-asked her question,
"You're sorry?"
Helga again simply nodded, but knew her best friend was about to explode.
"That's all you came here to say?" she asked with a serious tone.
"No. I also came here to hear what you have to say." she said timidly. "I know you have a lot of things to say to me, so just say it." she continued with some more confidence in her tone.
Fine, if she wants to talk about it, then let's talk about it! Phoebe thought.
Phoebe got up from her chair and looked down on Helga.
"Do you really think saying sorry is going to just cut it? Do you realize what you put me through, after everything I have done for you?" she asked her with a deadly tone on her voice.
Trying not to choke up, Helga said, "I know your angry Pheebs. You have every right to be."
"I'm not angry at you, Helga. I am furious and completely disappointed in you!" She began to yell at her. She finally exploded.
"How dare you put your hands on Gerald! You have no idea how horrified and how hurt I was when I saw you, my best friend, grabbing my boyfriend, getting ready to pummel him and for what?! For just trying to understand you, for trying to be friends you, at least for your sake and Arnold's?! At least for me, couldn't you have restrained yourself and simply told him to go away?!" she screamed at her.
"What does it take in order for you to take a hint that Gerald would never try to hurt you?! Arnold and I both trust him, why can't you?!" She continued.
Helga simply remained motionless and said nothing, with only biting her lips.
"I wasn't able to even see you, let alone speak to you for days because I was so furious with you!" Phoebe continued to scream at her. "And even when we met up, I couldn't even look at you in the eyes! I had to spend weeks in trying to move on, trying to get all of this anger and hatred out of my system just to continue to be friends with you! Of course we became distant after that! I didn't want to hang out with you as often as we did! I was only able to tolerate you for some time before I had to get away from you or else I was going to explode like I am doing now!"
"I'm tired of playing this charade with you Helga! I'm tired of having to find ways for people to get to just to talk to you without you having to bite their heads off! You were giving Rodrigo such a hard time that he actually had to came to me and ask for advice on how to deal with you! Do you realize how pathetic that is?! I'm completely surprised that despite everything you have put him through, he still wants to be your friend! Rodrigo had ask me to not tell you about this, but you know what?! I don't care! I have no desire to keep this information away from you!"
Again Helga said nothing, only gripping Phoebe's bed sheets tight and looking down.
"You know what else? After what you did to Gerald, I was so hurt and disappointed that I was actually considering in ending things with you Helga, ending our friendship! Had it not been for Arnold AND Gerald's support, there was a chance that I would have done it! Yes, despite what you did, Arnold and Gerald both insisted that I should continue in being friends with you! They didn't do it for my sake, they did it for you!" she continued to yell at her with enormous fury.
Helga had no words to describe the amount of hurt and guilt she was experiencing. It was utterly painful and humiliating. She felt her heart hurt and her stomach make this serious twist that she wanted to vomit. She wanted to make a run for it and escape from this torture, but she reframed from doing so.
"I know Gerald has always had his prejudice against you, yet you continue to blind yourself from all the things that he did for you! He helped you organize that video for the contest for San Lorenzo! He helped you and Arnold find the lost city of the Green-eyed people! We all hanged out and played together as friends because that's what we are: friends! Yet despite all of that, you still hold him with contempt! WHY?! It's not like you are an angel yourself. How many times have you threatened to beat him? How many times have you pushed him and attempted to prank him when we were kids? How many times did he have to see his best friend be humiliated by you, all because of a stupid crush?! How did you expect him to behave towards you after all of that?!"
Helga attempted to remain quiet but she was starting to lose her grip. She had underestimated how much anger Phoebe had been repressing all these years. It was A LOT of anger. Considering how sweet, calm and mature Phoebe can be, it is frightening to see her like this.
"How long are you going to keep this up Helga? How long are you going to continue leaving under your family's shadow?! How long are you going to let it run your life?! Your family's neglect of you, as a justification for you behaving this way is getting old! Gerald was right, people need to stop patronizing you! Don't think that wasn't lost to me on that day when we were comparing Arnold with Rodrigo!"
Phoebe finally took a break from her yelling in order to catch her breath. She was breathing heavily. She felt a lot better in having to let all that out, but then instantly realized to her horror how much information she just yelled at Helga.
"I'm sorry...Helga... I don't know what came over me... I was just so...angry that I couldn't keep bottled up inside me...anymore." She said while trying to catch her breath.
Helga initially said nothing. But no longer able to restrain herself, she started to cry and said,
"I'm so so...sorry in forcing you to feel that way about me. I never meant to hurt you Pheebs. I never meant to push you away and let you think that I am ungrateful for everything that you have done for me. You have no idea how grateful I am for what you did. I would not be here had it not been for you." while tears were falling down her eyes.
"You have nothing to be sorry about Pheebs, so don't be. I didn't come to you earlier because I was scared that I was going to lose my best friend over this. I was able to see it in your eyes during the first weeks after the incident, that I dare not bring it up and just repressed it from memory."
Despite what Helga said, Phoebe was starting to get consumed with regret in having said that much to her. She knew better than anyone the struggle she goes through every day. It is not something that you can just not consider when approaching Helga. Yet, she was not able to simply let this pass. This was one step too far that was too close to home. When the incident happened, she felt betrayed that her best friend would not have the decency to not take it out on Gerald.
"Helga..." Phoebe attempted to say something but was not able to gather her words.
Instead, she approached Helga and just instantly embraced her with a hug, letting Helga cry on her shoulders as she had gone before.
"I meant what I said back at the airport. I didn't want you go to San Lorenzo. You're my best friend and I would have missed you too much if you had gone. I know you want to be happy and I'm sorry that I'm not able to give you that. I was just afraid of losing you." she said as tears also started falling down her eyes.
"You did more than any friend could Pheebs and you were right about going to San Lorenzo, it was a stupid idea. Thank you." she said.
"I forgive you Helga. I know you didn't mean it and I know you instantly regretted behaving that way towards Gerald. You're not a bad person." she said, while choking up.
After some minutes, the two friends finally let go of each other. Phoebe grabbed a tissue for both of them to wipe their tears.
Both said nothing. They just sat on Phoebe's bedroom floor, close to each other and just enjoyed each other's company. None have experienced being this close to each other for years and felt unimaginably satisfying in finally putting this to an end. Finally Helga spoke,
"I'll talk to Gerald and apologize to him as well."
"Thanks Helga." Phoebe responded back with her sweet and soft voice again.
"Is it too much to hope that you two can finally reconcile?" she continued.
"Unfortunately so. I'm not sure if he told you, but weeks ago, he walked by my house, just as I was getting out to go for a walk. He was in thought about what he and the guys spoke to Rodrigo about. I think they were talking about me. Anyways, he apologize to me for not giving me benefit of the doubt, for allowing my past behaviour to cloud his judgement." Helga responded.
"Really? No, he never told me about this. What did you say?" Phoebe asked.
"I said thanks and I took a bold step and offered to see if we can try again to reconcile, but he said no. He said that 'ship had sailed long ago'. Don't be angry with him Pheebs. I don't blame him for not wanting to try again, especially if there was no guarantee of it actually working this time." she responded.
Phoebe was saddened and disappointed at Gerald's refusal. But she took Helga's advice and decided not to confront Gerald about it. She was too busy enjoying this moment; she had her best friend back.
By this time it had stopped snowing and the sun was coming out. Phoebe looked at the window and asked Helga,
"It stopped snowing, did you want to go for a walk?"
"Sure, that'd be nice Pheebs." she responded while smiling.
Phoebe opened the window but was immediately deterred when a huge, cold breeze zoomed into her room and right at her face. She immediately closed her window and said,
"On second thought, let's just go downstairs and have some hot chocolate."
The two went to the kitchen and Phoebe started making hot chocolate. Meanwhile, Helga was checking her phone. She had received a text from Rodrigo.
Rodrigo: Hey, how's everything?
Helga: Couldn't be better. We're having hot chocolate.
Rodrigo: I'm glad things are working out. I'll ttyl.
Helga: see ya and thanks for helping me.
Rodrigo: No worries.
"Everything alright Helga?" Phoebe asked as she was pouring hot chocolate onto two cups.
"Yeah. I was just texting Rodrigo. I've talked to him about what happened between us. There wasn't really much for him to say, but he has been there for moral support. I was almost panicking while I was coming here. I had to call him to get me to calm down." She explained.
Phoebe was surprised by this revelation. She did not know how much this was affecting Helga. She had seen her go into hysteria a few times, but never has she heard of her panicking. Just then, she proceeded to inquire on her friendship with Rodrigo.
"You guys seem to have bonded well." she remarked.
"I won't lie Pheebs, I'm glad I met him. He has been helping me a lot in sorting out my issues. He was the one that got me to start writing again. I have been taking dancing lessons with him after school for the last few months. It helps me relax and be less aggressive." she added.
"Have you been able to resolve your conflicting feelings towards him?" she asked.
"No. It has remained the same since you and I last spoke about it. I still feel somehow drawn to him, but I'm not able to feel the same way as I do with Arnold. I'm still in limbo about that." she responded back.
"What did you think about the comparison that we did between Rodrigo and Arnold this week?" Phoebe asked.
"It made me uncomfortable at how similar they are. I know he reminds me of Arnold, and I can see why I may be drawn to him. But there are differences. Arnold is patient, while Rodrigo is less so. Arnold is calm and rational, yet nurturing while Rodrigo can vary between people and situations. With me, he can be sympathetic and nurturing in one instance, but in others he can be direct and firm. Arnold is less active, but Rodrigo seems to be all over the place, yet he doesn't act all crazy, nor do I find it so overwhelming. If anything, sometimes I like it that he is that way. It makes it more fun to be around him." She explained.
Phoebe was still not going to say anything to Helga about her hypothesis. She needed more time to do research on this.
"what made you open up to him?" she asked
"Same reason why I opened up to you and Arnold: he saw past my though exterior and never stopped trying." she explained.
Interesting...She thought.
"How are things between you and Gerald? Have you guys decided if you will be going to different colleges?" she asked, wanting to change the topic.
"We're good, still going strong. No, we decided to just until next year and see what happens. I'm still a little indecisive on what career I want to pursue." she said. "We have been talking a lot about the future; about what we are going to do after our post-secondary years and where we are planning on living. I'm actually quite excited about that."
Helga simply smiled at her best friend, happy that her life had not been seriously interrupted by her own frantic life. She was envious of her. She would have killed to have the life her best friend led. She came from a good home, her boyfriend was still with her. She only wished she could also have that opportunity; of her and Arnold discussing a future together. Because they were still young when he left, they never had the chance to discuss about it. That's all she ever wanted; a future with Arnold, a future to be happy. Now, she only wished for his return back to her arms, forget contemplating about the future. Yet, she put such sad thoughts aside and continued listening to her best friend.
"Helga, what made you apologize now?" Phoebe asked her.
Helga took a sip of her hot chocolate before talking.
"About a month ago, Rodrigo and I were walking home. He explained me about the freedom to choose, and he did that by compare his situation with my own. He wasn't trying to say who had it worst. He was trying to explain how differently we both handle our issues. Basically, my problem is that I allowed my issues to consume me, to run my life, up to a point where it became automatic when it came to how I reacted towards others; I was angry at my situation so I projected that to other people. He said that because that I was born into a neglectful family, I had no choice but to accept it. The result is that I felt that I had no choice in anything. His point was that, despite my circumstances, I still have a choice, I still have the freedom to make certain decisions and in many ways, I already have, even if I did not realize it." Helga explained.
"Up until then, I thought I was mostly in control. I thought that the way I acted towards people was something that I did by choice. But I realize that this tough exterior that I have, this tendency to push people away and to act hostile, even if it is part of who I am, was still mostly influenced by my issues at home. It wasn't something that I had any control over it. It was then when I recognized just how delusional I was. I can't fully explain to you how much that shook me, right to the core. With the incident, I cannot say if the way I reacted was by choice or impulse. But what I did realize is that I despite what happened, I still had some measure of control. I still had the choice to make things right. So with that in mind, I made the choice to no longer allow my fear and guilt about the incident to interfere with our friendship. But not only that, I was no longer going to let it deter me from apologizing to Gerald. I feel bad about what I did to him, and I had wanted to apologize to him, but the guilt and fear prevented me from doing so. With Rodrigo's help, I was able to gather enough strength to face it, even if it meant risking losing you as my best friend. I'm just really sorry it took me this long to realize it." she concluded.
Phoebe was surprised by this revelation. She had always thought that Helga, despite her flaws, was one of the most bravest and toughest people she had ever known. Like her best friend, she also thought Helga was mostly in control of her life. Yet her explanation revealed to Phoebe that Helga was more vulnerable than she originally thought. It had never occurred to Phoebe just how little in control Helga actually felt in her life. Worse still, she thought that Helga's unwillingness to apologize to her and Gerald was mostly due to her stubbornness and pride rather than in her fear and insecurity.
"I'm tired Pheebs." Helga continued. "I'm tired of living like this; of being angry all the time. I don't want to live like this anymore. I just want to live my life with some measure of happiness, even if it means living a life without Arnold." she sighed.
Phoebe looked at her friend attentively. She then smiled at her and said,
"Then let us do it together."
Helga smiled back and gently grabbed her friend's hand.
"Thanks Pheebs."
The two teens continued talking for almost two hours, catching up on many of the events that had occurred in their lives but had neglected to tell each other about it. It was tremendously warming to just talk without the heavy burden that used to accompanied them. Eventually, Helga had to get back home as the weather report indicated of another snow storm coming soon. They said their goodbyes and then Helga made her way home.
Once she was out of the house, she then decided to call Rodrigo.
"Hey, are you busy?" she asked him when he answered the phone.
"No, no I'm good. So what's the scoop?" he asked.
Helga told him everything on how things went and their eventual reconciliation. However, she reframed from telling him about Phoebe revealing about Rodrigo coming to ask her for advice on how to handle Helga. He did not need to know that.
"That's good Helga, I'm really happy for you both." he said.
"Thanks Latino boy."
"Are you going to also apologize to Gerald?" he asked.
"Ya, I am. I don't expect him to forgive me, but at least I can make my peace with him." She responded.
"That's good. I'm sure he will forgive you, even if he doesn't want to reconcile." said Rodrigo.
"Ya, well I gotta Latino boy. I gotta help Olga clean up." said Helga.
"OK, take care. See ya Monday." said Rodrigo.
"Bye."
Later that evening...
I honestly have no idea how you and Rodrigo are able to easily acknowledge your mistakes to others. For me, it has always been difficult to acknowledge it, especially in front of others. I guess it is because I have always attributed it as a form of vulnerability. With Phoebe it was worse. The prospect of having to lose her as my best friend terrified me so much that I found it preferable to living in a fantasy where the incident did not happen, rather than acknowledge to express to her just how sorry I was for hurting her and for almost hurting Gerald. Unlike other times where I felt I was going to expose something of myself, in this case I felt that I was actually going to lose someone; her.
Admittedly, for someone who poses a tough exterior, I can be quite feeble. I am probably the most paradoxical, if not the most oxymoronic person you have ever met, football head. But I am still working on it, day by day, trying to find that Aristotelian Mean that Rodrigo spoke to me about a month ago.
I'm sorry to hear in your last letter about the flood damaging your parents' experiments. That must suck. Hope you don't need to spend too much time back in the jungle collecting more specimens. Speaking of which, we found out that Rodrigo is not from San Lorenzo, as we originally thought. We still don't know where he is from and we keep forgetting to ask him. Perhaps whenever you get a chance to write to him you can ask him.
Your survivor,
Helga G. Pataki
Just a respond to some reviews:
Nati55: ¡Muchas gracias por tus comentos! A que ver si Helga avanzara en su vida con Rodrigo, pues nada está confirmado. Solamente el futuro nos va a decir ;) No te preocupes, yo estoy comprometido en continuar con este cuento hasta su fin.
Ezza: Thanks. I'm actually glad to hear that despite you being a Shortaki ship, you are liking the whole Rodrigo and Helga duo. One of my concerns was that HA! fans were not going to be well receptive to Helga in possibly liking someone else other than Arnold.
Call Me Nettie: Thank you, I try to make the story as diverse and as authentic as I can.