Author's Note: Thank you all for reading and reviewing - I really appreciate it! I wanted to keep this story 'T' rated, but I have separately published an 'M' rated section that takes place after Chapter 2. It has been uploaded as a separate one-shot story. Please feel free to read it, but don't worry - if you decide to just stick to the main story, you won't miss any plot x

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A sharp rap at the door almost caused Gillian to overbalance as she pulled on a clean pair of jeans. She glanced irritably at the clock on her bedside table. It's five to sodding seven!

"Just a second," she called out, shaking her head and huffing hair out of her face; Trust bloody Caroline to be early.

Down on the porch the headmistress rolled her eyes and stamped her feet impatiently against the cold. It's five to sodding seven! She shifted a bottle of red into the crook of her elbow and breathed some warmth into her cupped hands; Trust bloody Gillian to be late.

After a few seconds Caroline heard footsteps running down the stairs, followed by the sound of someone fumbling with the lock. Finally, the door swung open and a slightly breathless Gillian stood before her.

"Sorry for taking so long," the brunette apologised, smiling in appreciation as she took the offered bottle of wine, "Cheers. Come in."

"Thanks," the blonde replied, glancing approvingly at the roaring fire, "It's bloody freezing out there."

Gillian held her chapped hands out for inspection, "Try it at five in the morning," she grinned, heading to the grate and putting the bottle next to the fire to warm.

"This will help," she continued, grabbing two tumblers and pouring a healthy splash of amber liquid into each. She turned to Caroline, handing her a glass with a smile.

"Thanks," said the blonde, accepting the drink. "You have no idea how much I need this."

Gillian nodded, "Yeah, you do look…"

"Like shit?" offered the headmistress, eyebrow raised.

Gillian shrugged, "I was gonna say 'tired', but basically, yeah."

Caroline let out a small shout of laughter, "Oh, cheers!"

The farmer grinned and sank onto the sofa, gesturing for her friend to take a seat. "So, how have you managed to fuck everything up already?"

Caroline's smile instantly faded. She drained her glass in one long swallow before sitting down and holding it out for the other woman to re-fill, "We're going to need a lot more to drink first."

The brunette raised her eyebrows in response, but followed suit and drained her own glass, "Good, because I'm shit at advice, but you've definitely come to the right place if you want to get pissed."

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Two empty wine bottles stood side by side at the edge of the coffee table. Next to them rested two pairs of feet, one set covered in thick knitted socks and the other in black silk stockings.

Caroline and Gillian were slumped on the sofa, glasses in hands and legs stretched out, both looking decidedly worse for wear.

They had consumed copious amounts of red wine; each glass followed by a brandy chaser, and had discussed everything from their parents to their previous drunken escapades.

Both women had cried with laughter as they reminisced about downing complimentary champagne at a fancy hotel, before realising that it had only been provided because the staff had assumed they were planning their wedding.

Even months afterwards they still found their accidental masquerade as an engaged lesbian couple hysterical.

"You know?" the brunette hiccuped, pointing a finger accusingly at the woman next to her, "I have dated worse for less than free champagne."

Caroline's indignant gasp in response lost some of its impact when she inhaled a mouthful of brandy, setting off an undignified coughing fit. Unconcerned, Gillian burst out laughing again.

Finally pulling themselves together, they now sat watching the fire in companionable silence. Only one topic of conversation remained outstanding, and Gillian knew that if she wanted answers, she was going to have to come right out and ask.

Taking a swig of brandy for Dutch courage, she threw the blonde a sideways look, "So, are you going to tell me what's going on with you and Kate, or are we going to need another round of drinks first?"

Caroline pulled a face and woozily shook her head, "Oh God, no more alcohol! I didn't even drink this much as a teenager."

Gillian gave a hollow laugh, "That's because teenagers don't need to bloody drink! They act like everything's crap, but the lucky sods don't know they're born!"

Caroline hummed in agreement before letting out a small sigh. She didn't know where to begin, but her head was comfortably fuzzy and she wanted to get this over with while they were both a bit pissed.

"You know how children change everything?" she started, catching Gillian's sleepy nod out of the corner of her eye, "This little person arrives and they suddenly become the centre of the whole world."

The headmistress stopped abruptly, looking guilty, "I mean, of course you know that. Christ, look at what you put up with to protect Raff," she gestured to the house around them with her hand.

Silence fell as they both remembered the last time they had lain slumped like this after too much to drink. The evening had been so similar, before the camaraderie had shattered and the horrors of Gillian's married life had tumbled out.

Knowing that neither of them wanted to go down that particular road again, Caroline pressed on, "Well, what if I don't feel like that with Kate's baby? With the boys, they were always completely a part of me. I mean, they were John's too of course, but even that felt sort of secondary. They were mine."

Caroline paused to check that her companion was still awake.

Gillian looked up from the embers of the fire, eyebrows raised, "I'm listening."

The blonde took a deep breath, "I keep thinking about this baby as Kate's rather than ours. It hit me when we were sat in bed the other day; Kate had parenting books everywhere and she was so excited. She kept talking about baby names, whether or not to bottle feed, what colour to paint the nursery – all these normal things. But I just felt so…disconnected from it all."

She took a swig of wine and sighed, "I still remember the three month colic, the sleepless nights and the terrible twos. I'm forty-bloody-five years old and I'm exhausted at the thought of doing it all again!"

A wave of embarrassment surged through Caroline, making her feel slightly sick, "Worse, I'm jealous. Kate is going to have all these different priorities, whereas before our relationship was so important to her."

The headmistress paused, hoping she didn't sound quite as narcissistic as she suspected she did, "And if I tell her any of this, I really think she might leave me."

The finality of the words echoed across the quiet room.

The blonde blinked back angry tears, "I'm just…emotionally stunted…and I don't need to give Kate further proof of that, so I keep waiting to feel like the baby is mine too, but I just don't!" she admitted, guilt washing over her.

Gillian let out a slow breath, "Shit," she murmured, searching for something reassuring to say, "You know, you make me feel better about my life? Before we met, I didn't think other people could fuck everything up as spectacularly I can."

Caroline gave a sad laugh, "Yes, well, glad to help." She quickly wiped her eyes, "Definitely could have been twins."

"Hmmm," Gillian agreed, "and what a bloody nightmare that would have been…"

The brunette's head was swimming with the effects of the alcohol, but she pulled herself upright to properly focus on her friend, who remained slumped against the cushions, nursing her wine.

Taking in the dejected look on the blonde's face she squeezed her arm reassuringly, "Caroline, I've been around enough self-centred blokes to know that they're always jealous of a new baby. You just haven't been the 'bloke' before."

The other woman rolled her eyes, "Oh great! Now I get to be 'John' to Kate's baby? It gets better and better."

Gillian snorted, "No offence, but you have too much of a stick up your arse to ever be the 'laid back dad' type."

The headmistress let out a shout of laughter, "Oh, 'no offence'? Good job you said that, or I might think you were being a cow!"

Gillian grinned, "Anyway, does Kate even want you to be this kid's mother? She was gonna raise it on her own until a few weeks ago."

The blonde waved her glass in exasperation, "She keeps talking about 'our baby'. This whole pregnancy thing was never ideal, but I would take Kate and a baby over losing Kate every time. The problem is; I was so sure I had lost her, and then we got back together, and suddenly I've gone from nothing to becoming a mother again in 8 weeks' time."

Gillian looked at her incredulously, "So you begged a pregnant woman to come back to you, to share your mortgage and shag you, but you never thought about what would happen after her kid was born?"

Caroline shot her a withering look, "I was prepared to help her. I'm not a complete bitch!"

Gillian let out a low whistle, "Yeah, but how did you think this was gonna go?"

Battling her drunken haze, Caroline searched for an appropriate response. She felt slightly humiliated when nothing came to mind.

Luckily, Gillian wasn't waiting for an answer, "You know, this will probably all go away once the kid's born. I mean, I love Calamity. God knows I didn't want Raff and Ellie to have her. I thought it would mess up their lives and be a sodding nightmare for me – I didn't want to be running around after a kid again."

Caroline nodded. She definitely sympathised with not wanting to do all the baby stuff again at their age.

"But after she was born, it didn't matter. Babies are always bloody hard work, but you wouldn't take them back once they're here."

Caroline's ears were ringing and her head felt fuzzy, "She's your flesh and blood though – your granddaughter," she gently poked Gillian's arm to punctuate her point, "and you're practically raising her."

The brunette rolled her eyes, "And you won't be raising Kate's baby? Snooty headmistress or not, you're gonna have to get your hands dirty, Caroline. Once there's a baby in the house, you're gonna know about it."

Gillian swayed to the side as she spoke, ending up with her head resting beside the taller woman's shoulder, "I love Calamity, but she's not my kid. It will be the same for you; once Kate's baby is here, that other shit won't matter."

Caroline didn't know if it was the huge amount of alcohol she had consumed, or Gillian's surprisingly sound advice, but she felt a little reassured for the first time in weeks, "I hope so," she murmured.

"Trust me!" Gillian slurred slightly, sitting up to refill the drinks, and sploshing red wine on Caroline in the process. "Shit!" she muttered, rubbing ineffectually at the mark. "Apparently you should pour white wine on that…" The brunette looked around helplessly, as if a bottle might spring into life before them, "…but I think we've already drunk all the wine ever made."

Caroline laughed in spite of herself, "It's an old outfit. Besides, I couldn't give a shit about my wardrobe at the moment..."

Gillian looked relieved and continued before the uptight blonde could think better of it, "Look, you're in love with Kate?"

Caroline shifted uncomfortably, "You know the answer to that."

Gillian watched her, eyes slightly unfocused, but wearing a no-nonsense expression that showed she was not going to let the subject drop.

The headmistress rolled her eyes, "Yes, I love her."

Gillian snorted at the blonde's exasperation, "Caroline, you were miserable the last time you and Kate broke up! It was so obvious you two were head-over-heels that even your mother had to get over it. So stop worrying!"

Caroline grimaced, "What if the baby is like Greg? I've never met a person I wanted to punch in the face more. And I was married to John for 20 years, so that's saying something."

It occurred to Caroline that she was being petulant and she put this largely down to her hatred of Greg as a person, but mixed with a healthy dose of alcohol, and some straight forward jealousy that he was the man who had impregnated her girlfriend.

"She won't be like him," Gillian dismissed, "Look at what a great lad Raff is, considering the father he got stuck with. And your boys with John – he's bloody useless. Besides, this bloke might be a pillock, but he won't have anything to do with the baby."

We definitely need more wine, she decided, leaning forward to grab the nearest bottle and emptying the dregs into their glasses.

"Caroline, I know you didn't want another kid, but shit happens. Besides, Kate's gonna push so much love onto the poor sod that it will probably need an 'emotionally stunted' adult in the house anyway."

Gillian mimed air quotes around 'emotionally stunted', sloshing a healthy amount of wine across the sofa in the process.

"We really know how to screw things up, don't we?" she continued, apparently oblivious to the fact that there was now more wine on her clothing than in her glass.

She drained the rest of her drink, wincing as a huge glug shot painfully down her throat and caused her to splutter loudly, eyes watering.

Caroline ignored the commotion on the other side of the sofa as she considered the situation. She just couldn't see a way out of this one. The simple truth was that having raised her kids, she did not want to embrace motherhood again at her age, and she was terrified that the love she felt for the boys would not extend to this new baby.

Caroline loved Kate, but embarrassingly, she had to admit that part of what she loved was how much Kate wanted her, how much she mattered to the lovely younger woman. Jealousy threatened to bubble over as she imagined no longer being the most important thing in her partner's life.

And underlying everything, two conflicting thoughts played over and over in Caroline's brain; firstly, that it was not fair to keep these doubts a secret, but secondly, that she could not risk Kate walking out of her life again. She swirled the last of her drink around her glass before slugging it back like a practised sailor.

Gillian watched emotions play over Caroline's face, and rather than acknowledge that her friend was fighting tears, she decided to try some tough love, "You know I said on the phone that you needed someone to tell you when you were being a prat?"

Caroline nodded, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth for the first time since the subject had turned to Kate.

Gillian looked at her earnestly, "Well – you're being a prat."

The headmistress laughed before sniffing loudly and wiping her eyes on her sleeves, "Thanks."

"Any time," grinned Gillian, "Now, where's that bloody brandy?"

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