Chapter 4 : Sacrifice
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The word was resounding in Sakura's brain like a tumor. She was so shocked but wouldn't allow him to fool her. Maybe he's trying to find an extreme excuse to reject her in the nicest way; he may want her friendship after all this time, and all her love, but isn't interested in her otherwise or maybe is in love with someone else, even. But what if he's really sterile and he really wants to be with her but hesitate to not push her to such a sacrifice.
Countless minutes passed. Sasuke stared at her shocked face for few moments after spelling that word and kept gazing at the moon since then. Sakura's eyes were fixed on his face. She was shocked, anxious, hesitating, fearful, doubtful and lost. Her eyes reddened with the torrent of negative ideas crossing her mind. Sensing the silence's endurance, she was now looking for a way to break it without evading the subject, nor getting to its core.
What if he's lying ? If she hang herself on him a little more and said that she doesn't care, she would be now endlessly annoying and he would be urged to be more honest, frank and hurt her directly. If in the other way she would tell him "OK, I wish you happiness too", she then would give him peace in the nicest and easiest way. If he's lying, in either ways, she'll get hurt and would humiliate herself before him, again. Especially if she imposed herself.
But if he's not lying ?
Sasuke doesn't look like someone terrified to tell a truth, a fact, expose reality like it is just for a matter of feelings and emotions. Sasuke wouldn't lie just to have peace. Not now. He could simply go a little further on this path. Plus, he said he favored her from other people if he wanted to get married. This doesn't mean he's in love with her. This fact, this indirect confession, stung her heart and made her now shed a silent tear. But still, maybe after all he went through, his heart isn't yet ready to love, but at least he prefers her.
If he's not lying… If she forced herself on him, in this case, she would prove him her great love and that she's ready to endure anything for him. He may love her back. A thought that made her lose another tear. Does she have to sacrifice this much to earn his love ? Is she this meaningless ?
If to let him go, while he's not lying, Sasuke would be left, alone or not, to face more darkness from now on. If he's not lying, she may be of great help for him; she will love him and maybe be loved back.
She would be ridicule if she would force herself while he's lying. She will be hurt. And she would be pretty cold-like if she accepted to let him go so easily while he's telling to truth. She will hurt him.
Sakura can't ask him about the core of the problem. Why is he so sure ? How did he knew that ? Such questions are pretty intimate to ask. Even if they're friends with deep bounds after all they went through, she doesn't dare to cross such limits. The idea of Sasuke discovering his problem while trying to procreate with someone else gave her chills.
Sakura, anxious and sad about Sasuke's situation, wondering and fearful about his past was crying and shivering, silently. Bowing her head down, defeated by the impassible situation, she put all her strength to move her mouth trying to speak while her voice was absent among her silent cry.
Sensing her distress, Sasuke turned his face to look at her. Her left hand was on the rock under below them, at mid-distance between him and her while her other hand was on her lap squeezing hardly her dress' fabric. She was trembling, surely crying, and her dress started having darker dots on her lap. She was crying.
Sasuke felt embarrassed. He didn't know how to react. What's the exact matter. "Sakura ?" he whispered, bowing his head to look at her face. Her eyes lifted up slightly to look into his. She wanted to tell him something, to ask him questions, to give him answers, yet she doesn't look prepared to any of that.
He retreated himself from her view while she bowed her head deeper when she felt his arm around her, his hand on her head and found her face buried in his neck.
Sakura stopped crying then, from shock. She has never been this close to him. She did feel him on her back when helped her stand on the battlefield against Kaguya but not in an affectionate way like here.
Love or pride ? She asked herself. She loves him and went through a lot for him. She gave him thousand reasons for forgiveness and have put his happiness before hers. Sakura's pride doesn't stand the ground facing her love for Sasuke. She loves him more than herself. As for him, it's surely not the same thing; Sasuke's from a noble descendance, a great family, a historical one, he went through hell and has to do thing like they have to be done or Uchiha's name would be tainted. But the Uchiha clan has no future now. He can simply do things like he wants. He doesn't have feelings for her and his pride as an Uchiha and as the ninja he is, greatest of all on the same ground as Naruto, would smash her being. Sasuke's pride is too big that his love for her, as a friend, is nothing.
Sasuke would always choose pride. Sakura, as long as she loves him, choose love. She doesn't care about humiliation or being ridicule, again, for him. Sasuke is more important than her pride and honor.
Bracing all her courage, Sakura broke her silence, moving her lips against his cloth's fabric, breathing on his neck's skin : "Are you saying such a thing just to tell me that I should move on in the nicest way ?"
He didn't clearly understood her saying, but she clarified herself rapidly, with more tears : "If you want me to move on, please be more direct. I know that you don't love me, and you'll never do, but telling me that in such an awful way is so cruel." She was loosing tears more rapidly now and started sobbing. She was the awful one. She thought about how pitiful she looked in front of him. Thinking of his cloths and pride, she shouldn't cry on him or dirty him with her tears. Trying to pull herself away, she felt his arm going harder, not letting her get further.
Sasuke fingers in her hair started waving slowly, like brushing softly her hair. Putting his chin on her head and squeezing her more tightly Sasuke expressed himself in the clearest way he could : "I'm being totally honest. I'm not trying to push you away. No. At all. I just don't want you to be sad anymore because of me. If I can make you happy, if you'll never be sad about not having a child, I'll be very happy by being with you."
She pulled herself and lifted her chin up looking deep in his jet black eyes. This is the closest she had been to him, ever. Courageously, "I love you. And there is no way I'd feel happy with someone else while you can accept me."
Sasuke's eyes wondered on her face. Her cheeks were red, her eyes big and reddened, her eyebrows knitted, her mouth pouting. She was like a crying brat. Cute, he thought. He does accept her. Not just, he does want her for many reasons; Konoha is his home either he wants that or not. He has a debt to Konoha, Naruto, and everyone on the heads of the village. If to have a home, better it be in Konoha, and except her, he doesn't feel a connection with any other woman, at least she understood his temper through all the situations they went through. Since he stopped looking for revenge, since he got his redemption, he feels more 'human' with more humanly needs and his libido rose since then. He doesn't feel like going through many people in his life, he's too conserved to expose himself to anyone. Sakura could be the only person with whom he's ready to experience any of these.
Noticing that Sasuke's eyes were on her mouth, Sakura darted her eyes to the side, shy. Hearing him humming, she looked back at him and saw an amused smirk. His eyes were locked on her mouth making a shiver cross her back. Sasuke felt it and rose his eyes to hers approaching further. "Are you sure ? - I may not let go after this ?"
Sasuke's smile made her feel fear and excitement at the same time. His smiles were either annoyed, gentle and soft or sadistic ones. This one looked sadistic, but not in a murderous way like that one he gave her with an intent to kill her on that broken bridge. Without an audacity to look at him, she spelled a so rapid and light "I'm sure".
Sakura's heart stopped for a moment. She felt the Uchiha chakra fusing into hers through her mouth. Her eyes were shut and she was feeling hotter and lacking of air more and more. Daring to open her eyes slowly, she got shocked and had them rounded with shock for a moment, gazing at a more developed pattern of Sharingan just 3-4 centimers from her eyes. They were looking deep in her eyes, her mind. The man's hand lifted from above her head to her neck, the contact of her hot skin there to his colder hand made her moan.
The Uchiha felt heat bruising all his body. Passion and desire. He was getting a little blind and had to calm down. He kept his Sharingan activated to have his senses more aware since his blood pulse was deafening him, but making him hear Sakura's organism clearer. Her moan sounded so high. He was hard. His other hand was heading to more sensitive and intimate parts of her body when he stopped himself and stood, distancing himself from her, breathing harder and looking away.
Regaining her breath and body's freedom, Sakura's face was so red. She was still under the heat and passion's shock. He gently kissed her yet in a passionate way. She was feeling a strong attraction growing between them giving her butterflies in her stomach. She couldn't move an inch.
What now ? What will happen.
Sasuke wondered if he did anything bad. Well. Life won't end here. He approached her lazily, going to answer her questioning. She lifted herself higher on the rock, further from him like she was crawling slowly away. Her movement stopped when he put both of his hands near her calling her name in a dominant way, telling her to look at him : "Sakura !"
Hesitant trembling jade eyes looked at him. Tears were still on her lashes. And with the moonlight, she just made him go deaf and blind again, yet he has to control himself. She gave him a strong sexual envy at the moment, he haven't felt so from long ago, he used to regain his control by the simple thought of having "deeds" in this life and that his sexuality didn't matter at all. Yet now, he can just let go and enjoy himself by using her body. She loved him and was there for him. She even mentioned that she knows that he didn't love her, so he wouldn't be annoyed by trying to explain his coldness. She's here for him. She's ready to sacrifice more for him.
Looking around with his eyes, checking that no living being was around them except plants and animals, he looked back at her. These eyes wondered dangerously on her body. His face was conquered by desire, a dark one he needs to unleash.
What was going through his mind was the countless ways he could feel pleasure through her. He checked his situation, he felt selfish. He wasn't ready to give her the affection she needed, he has no idea about what she's expecting from him, what's the happiness she's talking about. All his mind was thinking about right then was pleasure. Everything can wait. He'll give her all the affection she needs later.
Lowering himself on her, approaching her throat, feeling her chest rise and fall, sensing her silent moans of fear or desire, enjoying her fearful eyes, he got stopped by a heavy question that crossed his mind : "What if this will hurt her more than anything else ?" : He said he doesn't love her, she acknowledge that, she's ready to accept him after he hurt her, left her, tried to kill her three times, to sacrifice her to stop Kaguya, to kill Naruto, put her in a deep painful illusion, leaving her two years without news, coming back to ask her if she wanted to seal her destiny to his while he doesn't love her and he's sterile… He didn't even dare ask her how she was feeling.
Complicated. It's complicated and requires more delicate maneuvers, so more time. Maybe he's going to give her more time and she'll change her mind then. He would have lost his time with her.
Selfish and prideful.
Sasuke was blocked atop of her who was half-laying on the rock. She was trembling in the ignorance of what's happening or what's going to happen. She wanted him to tell her anything beautiful or soft. After Sasuke and Naruto's departure, just before being under Tsunade's charge and from then, Sakura who worked more with foreign men during her training used to be anxious with their close presence. She knew she had to be prudent while having them around, especially if she was alone with one of them. Growing older, more feminine than in her childhood, she was more anxious for a moment, but that feeling left her since she became so strong she could smash any man that came dangerously closer.
Having that anxiety lost for years, she was experiencing it now. She knew this dangerous aura Sasuke was releasing. Sexual desire. Realization made her sad and colder. She straitened herself with her elbows and sat more correctly on the rock, having her chest few centimeters from his bowed down head whose face wasn't so away from her thighs.
"Sasuke-kun, what's wrong ?"
Her voice was clean, direct and clear making Sasuke unsure of his intentions. Ashamed.
"Nothing." He answered lifting himself to sit back on the rock. "I'm feeling perturbed"
A moment of silence followed that got cut with Sakura's weird question : "Do you feel so often ?"
Feeling uncontrolled ? "No, I just felt so when I had the murderous intents when I was blinded with darkness". He looked at her with an ashamed sad face, a sorry-smile.
Sakura put her head on his shoulder and slowly crawl her arms around his.
"Thank you" she whispered.
Next chapter : Reality
"気付いてたの いつかは終わると | I realized, that it will ends one day
いかないでよ あたしだけのモノでしょ? | Don't go! You're just for me no?
茨の道でも悦んでゆくわ | I'll take this path even if it's full of thorns
あなたのためなら 死ねるわ | If it's for you, I'm even ready to die!
...
終わりにしましょう? | So, let's put an end?"
Lycaon - Gypsy