Still trying to find a way out from my dark place, all my demons are alive. Thanks for all the love. I need it.

She heard a chatter and looked up. Mr. Demarco was walking with Polly and a lady, may be the same age as Alex. Her tall frame and slender body were like of a hot model. Her blue eyes, like the sea, were calm and emotionless. Long, blonde hair, so smooth and silky. She was gorgeous but Alex felt her coldness. "The dragon Lady" Alex muttered and wondered what her name was.

"Yet anything can to nothing fall,

Nor any place be empty quite;

Therefore, I think my breast hath all

Those pieces still, though they be not unite;

And now, as broken glasses show

A hundred lesser faces, so

My rags of heart can like, wish, and adore,

But after one such love, can love no more."

― John Donne, The Complete Poetry and Selected Prose

Piper Chapman

That was the name of her New Editor. Suit herself. Alex thought to herself. She looked gorgeous no doubt but Alex could tell that she kept everyone at bay. As far as she won't rip my throat, I would be okay. I have someone for that already.

Thankfully Piper Chapman did not want a staff meeting that day and after discussing about certain urgent matters, she left. Alex looked down from the third floor window and she could get a clear view of the blonde. She is hot Alex thought as Piper walked with such confidence and arrogance. Her Mercedes was waiting for her at the gate and a plain looking man with curly hair and a suit got down from the passenger seat of the car and kissed Piper, a quick kiss on the lips and Alex wondered whether Piper was married, not that it mattered.

She prepared her article for next week and handed it over to Polly who was beaming at the prospect of being the Assistant to her fellow Alumni. Alex had work that evening in the pub, so she quickly clicked on her blog, which no one knew existed, not even Nicky and wrote,

I chase clouds

And rough winds

Call me crazy?

I throw stones at the moon

I dance on the snow

Do you read me?

I wake up all night

When darker thoughts

Consume me

I have stopped all my prayers

And have looked at God

In the eye

Truth be told

I am not my true self

When you are not near

My soul escape

And roam around

In colder mountains…

Do I love Sylvie or not? The nagging question made her write confused words. She was not sure of herself anymore. If someone asked the same question before she moved to New York, she would scoff and laugh at them but now she had to think twice, may be thrice, may be many times. Writing was her only solace. Her secret escape.

It was the game night and the pub was crowded with people cheering and drinking as if there was no tomorrow. Some started betting on who was gonna win tonight, many wanted Jets to win and some were confident it would be Hornets. After three hours of running around back and forth, Alex could not feel her legs and Nicky saw that. She poured something from a brown paper bag and gave it to Alex.

"What's this?"

"Something for you to feel better"

Alex trusted Nicky and just drank it at one gulp.

Single Malt scotch whiskey

"Are you fucking kidding me? How can I drink while I'm on duty?"

"You will be fine Vause. Now, you will find your rhythm"

Fuck you

Alex mouthed and checked the next order. It was for table 15. A fucking long order. They should have gone to a proper restaurant, not coming to a pub. Alex checked whether she could see who ordered it from the ordering window and she could not believe her eyes.

Piper Chapman with the man she saw in the morning.

Fuck

"I cannot serve that table"

"You got a problem Vause?"

It was Red, Galina "Red" Reznikov, the head chef.

"She is going to be my boss and she could not know I work here. Please, Red."

Alex almost begged Red.

"Okay, Nicky, you serve the table and Vause you help her."

"Thanks a lot Red. I owe you one"

Alex did not want to make her life awkward in any way and she thanked her stars.

"Nicky, tried to find out who that man is. I saw him today. He came to pick her from the office."

"Why bother Vause. Do you have a secret crush over her?"

"Me? Are you fucking kidding me? Just curious, thought of doing my research and be one step ahead you know."

Nicky was shaking her head in disbelief.

"Just trust me. If I know you right that woman will be the death of you one day, if Sylvie couldn't kill you that is."

"Just go, go. They are waiting."

Alex pushed Nicky away.

After 10 minutes, Nicky came with some details she could gather from their conversation.

"He is a freelance writer. Name Barry or Harry or Larry, something in that line and she is so waspy, man. She wants every detail to be perfect. He just listens like a puppy. She is hot Vause. So hot I felt the flames and got burned."

"And I have to deal with her from next week. Jesus. She sounds like a bitch."

Alex sighed.

"Relax. Take one day at a time. Trust me. It works."

Alex had taken many sips from Nicky's Brown Paper bag and was feeling bit dizzy at the end of her shift. She was thankful that Nicky gave her a lift.

"Hey, Vause."

Nicky called her name when Alex got down from her car and she turned,

"Take it easy okay."

"Thanks man."

She was glad to have Nicky in her life.

She hit the shower and her feelings were roused for some reason, may be the whiskey was doing the trick. She did not want to give into her feelings but her desires were too deep and screaming. She dried herself contemplating whether she should call Sylvie or not. After that disastrous day neither Alex nor Sylvie exchanged calls. But Alex needed to hear someone. She needed to feel loved, now more than ever.

Fuck it

She dialed Sylvie's number.

"Hello"

Sylvie's sleepy voice.

"Hi, it's me"

"Alex"

"Hmm…"

"Why you call at this time?I was sleeping"

"I need you"

Okay, I said it out loud but that's the truth, right?

"You need me?"

Sylvie sounded as if she was not sure.

After the first few months, they stopped having phone sex, Sylvie did not mind because Alex always knew the right thing to say but Alex wanted to feel her, to touch her and to see her face. Tonight was different. Her head was a mess and she wanted an escape. She could have pick someone else, she could have picked anyone but she and Sylvie, they were not over yet and Alex did not want to be unfaithful to Sylvie. It sounded funny because all the love and adoration they had for each other were long-lost but Alex had her own principles. She never cheated.

"You want to have phone sex with me?"

"Yes, is it too much to ask?"

"You did not call me for a whole day and now you want to talk, forgive me, to have phone sex with me?"

"You sound as if I am a criminal Sylvie."

Alex almost gave up.

"What are you wearing Alex"

All of a sudden Sylvie's voice became husky and Alex was relieved.

"Just my shorts and tee"

"No bra"

"No bra baby"

"I like it that way. Just play with your nipples Alex, play it for me"

Alex felt her desires escalate and her pussy getting wet. She wanted to let it out. She wanted to get lost in this and forget her real world, her real problems and of course her fucking Boss who would be a nightmare in days to come.

"Talk to me baby, talk dirty to me"

Alex was breathless.

"You know what Alex. I cannot do this."

"You cannot do what? What the fuck is wrong with you Sylvie? I am already wet and you are just gonna let me hang in there?"

"I don't feel it. I don't want to hump a pillow"

"So, now you are a saint? Now you want me next to you? News flash. I am 300 kilometers away from you"

"Just find someone near your home Alex or else leave your job and come back to me."

"Leave my job and come back? What the fuck am I supposed to do back there?"

"I don't know. If you love me, if you wanna fuck me for real, just come back to me and then we will do it, in the proper way"

With that Sylvie hung up, leaving Alex to her fuming anger again. Alex hated her own self. She was lonely and drunk but it was not an excuse, truth was she let herself down. She let Sylvie destroy her pride. She clenched her teeth and went to have a hot shower. Again. She just closed her eyes, wanting to wash away all the feelings she had for Sylvie. She felt that they had nothing in common anymore. This is it. She either had to kill herself or grow up. And she chose the latter.

Be afraid,

When there is a day I stop all the care

When there is a day I stop being possessive

Be afraid,

When there is a day I stop being jealous

I cannot stop speaking my mind

You know me,

I cannot tell tales and lies

I say what I believe

I never pretend of someone I am not

I may sound mean

You may say I am obsessed,

Say whatever you feel,

Whatever you want

I know my heart

I have come a long way

Loving you,

Wanting you

Being around you

Those are my simplest wishes

If you cannot see them as they are

Be afraid

Be very afraid,

That means you know nothing of me

That all I believed was a lie…