VI.

There was no need to panic.

Ienzo's veins were tingling and acidic. Breathing hurt. I am not dying. This is a psychological reaction. You are being too dramatic, Ienzo.

There was no need to panic.

He needed to find the logic in the situation.

Feeling sexual attraction was normal. If he'd had a standard puberty he would have experienced it by now, most likely. He'd only ever felt an aesthetic appreciation for people. This was deeper, more intense, but altogether normal . And considering how rarely Ienzo was around people his age, it did make a sort of sense that the first person he fixated on was the only one in the castle of his generation, and who hadn't played a part in raising him.

There was no need to panic. This would pass with time. Wouldn't it? It wasn't as if he could actually act on these feelings-he couldn't even imagine it-

That wasn't true. He could.

The thought of it alone tightened the longing and anxiety so tightly together that for several long minutes he couldn't think at all. He could only let it wash through him.

Ienzo would have to be composed. It would be over soon.

He slept restlessly and tried to figure out the best way to spend his time the following day. To borrow the old phrase, he felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place-his investigation into Sora's disappearance was painful but solitary, and his translations with Demyx were peaceful but risked his sanity in a whole new way.

But he was too anxious to think about trauma, so he went down to the study room. To his immense relief, Demyx was not there. Rather than study the music, or parse more lines, Ienzo spent several hours refamiliarizing himself with the structure of the written runes and the most common characters, participles, and gender pronouns. He made himself eat lunch. When he returned, he tried to study, but found himself in a haze of dissociation.

"How do I be a better person?"

Demyx startled him in two ways, and he nearly fell out of the chair. "I was not expecting you today." He looked up. The warm sunlight played off his eyes. Ienzo tried to will himself not to feel. He was not staring or ogling, merely making eye contact. As one does.

"I… I thought I needed a break. But I wanted to talk to you." He looked a bit sheepish.

Ienzo smiled despite himself. "Well, do you need my permission?"

Demyx hesitated. "It's just that you seem to know so much more about being better. And I… want to."

He sighed. "I'm glad to hear that, but it's not so simple. I'm still trying to come to terms with it myself."

Demyx sat down next to him. His proximity was almost too much, and Ienzo pulled his hands through his hair. How on earth did people go around feeling like this all the time? He grounded himself in the heaviness of the subject, but his voice faltered anyway. "It's about… knowing your own wrongdoings, your insecurities, your flaws, it's about understanding where they came from and why, it's about all the choices you make, broad and narrow, every single day. Morality is not simple, it's not just darkness and light."

"I know that. I'm not as dumb as I seem."

He blinked. "Have I ever said you were?" Demyx was shocked into silence. Ienzo, again, felt guilty. They'd all been so careless and cruel with him. He was just as brittle as Ienzo. The words spilled from him almost of their own accord. "You're not dumb. You are sharp, you think clearly, you see things I cannot see. I think you have a problem with your self worth, and I think more than anything that's what's been holding you back. This existence has given you ambition like I've never seen before from you. Don't squander it. Please." He'd taken Demyx's hand and squeezed it. He had to let go. Didn't want to. Demyx looked down briefly at the hand he'd touched, then back to Ienzo's own. Why did it seem that he'd also wanted that touch? You're projecting, and poorly at that.

Demyx nodded. "I'll try."

"Good. I will help you how I can." He was smiling involuntarily; it seemed to have been ages since it wasn't forced. Demyx smiled back. For a moment he felt warm all over, and the anxiety was bearable.

Demyx broke eye contact, his hand touching his chest. He gasped, a tight, pained sound.

"Demyx? Are you alright?"

For a second time since they'd begun their studies, he fainted. Ienzo, again, felt helpless. He slipped off his lab coat and put it under his head. Demyx was breathing hard and fast, and his muscles were fraught with tension. Ienzo took his pulse. It was uncomfortably high, as was his temperature. He was about to call for Even when Demyx stirred, not quite breaching consciousness. Ienzo kept monitoring his pulse. As the minutes passed, it improved, but remained erratic. Somewhere in this, Demyx found the hand holding onto his and squeezed.

A shiver of relief passed through him. "Oh, good, you've come to. Can you speak?"

"I feel sick," he mumbled.

"You've fainted."

Demyx sat up woozily. Ienzo eased him back down. "Rest for a minute, okay? You've a bit of a fever."

"I felt cold this morning."

"That might be it." Ienzo had his doubts. After several more tense minutes, Demyx's pulse settled down to normal. "Can you sit up?" He slipped an arm under him and gently hefted him up. Demyx swayed a little. "We've got to try to get you to bed, alright? Lean against me if you have to."

Even only taking part of Demyx's weight, Ienzo still felt weak. In his peripheral, Ienzo noticed how terrible he looked, washed out and humiliated and fighting tears.

"Do you think this is systemic?" Ienzo asked. "Or psychological? What were you thinking about immediately before you lost consciousness? Do you remember?"

He didn't speak. A pink flush crept into his cheeks. It could've been something painful, and Ienzo regretted asking. Demyx stumbled; Ienzo could barely take the extra weight.

"I'm wondering if I should get Aeleus to come carry you. You're very weak."

"Please don't," he said desperately.

Concern welled in him. ""Clearly something has upset you on a deep metaphysical level-"

"I can't tell you." A sharp statement.

"Is it very personal?"

Demyx nodded.

"Alright."

Eventually they made it. Ienzo rolled his shoulders, knowing he'd be sore later.

"I'm sorry," Demyx said. He looked so weak, so sad, but if he didn't want to talk about it it wasn't like Ienzo could be much help.

"I'm not as strong as I used to be," Ienzo said. He sighed. "Get some rest. I'll come check on you in a few hours."

"Thank you. You didn't have to do that."

There it was again, that surge of pity. "Do you believe I'd just leave you lying there?" Ienzo asked. Demyx hesitated and shook his head. He didn't fully trust Ienzo. But why should he? He hadn't earned that trust. "Hopefully this pain you're experiencing is temporary," he said, and left.

Ienzo took a moment to try and process all he was feeling. The logical thing to do would be to try and avoid him, at least until these feelings began to fade. He wasn't used to his thoughts being in disagreement with his body, and to an extent, his heart.

He was too brittle, too undeserving, of romantic love.

He saw Even coming down the hall, his long blonde hair still wet from bathing. "Ansem was looking for you," he said. "When you've a moment, go join him in the lab. Aren't you still dallying about with Demyx?"

"It's not dallying," Ienzo said tiredly. "We're actually working on a legitimate research project. It's a very old score with lyrics in runes."

"I never had much patience for anthropology, but it is very important to understand the past. I can see why you'd be drawn to it. Though I can't help but wonder. What is it like working with him? I can't imagine it's easy."

Ienzo felt a shiver of anger at Even. "Actually, it is somewhat refreshing. He's smarter than he acts. I wish you would ease up on him just a touch. He's as vulnerable as I am."

He considered that. "Is that so," Even said.

"Might you do me a favor? He's fainted again. Could you check up on him in a few hours? I was going to, but I should see what Master Ansem needs." He briefly described what had happened.

"Yes, I suppose. He is quite sickly, isn't he? It's a wonder why I'm not as well."

"We're all handling it differently." Ienzo himself felt exhausted. "Thank you, Even."

Ienzo headed towards the lab. His legs were heavy, and his shoulders ached. Still, when he approached Ansem he tried to neaten his posture.

"Good afternoon, Ienzo." Ansem smiled. "I'm sorry to tear you away from your personal project, but I have something that I think might be of use to you." He patted the chair next to him. "Mickey answered my letter."

"How is he?"

"He's doing as well as he can, I suppose. He's glad to be home, with the queen. Of course he's worried about Sora, but we all are."

"Yes," Ienzo said. He wasn't sure how this related to his work.

"It turns out he himself had some rather intriguing data. He sent it over a few days ago, but it took me about as much time to get it sorted. Look at this." Ansem pulled up a file. A lifelike, digital model of a younger Sora was frozen on the screen.

"I'm not sure I follow."

"This Data Sora was created in order to fight viruses hidden in Jiminy's journals. Jiminy's descriptions of Sora were so clear and detailed that he developed the same behaviors, and, Mickey believes, a similar heart."

Ienzo felt his heart start pounding. "I had hypothesized that perhaps we could trace Sora's disappearance using the bonds in his heart. If this is at all accurate, I might be able to test it."

"You'd have to program a very intricate simulation, but yes, that's what I was thinking as well. Mickey was also generous enough to send over all of the recordings of this Data Sora he could find, and Jiminy sent copies of his journals for you to review."

Ienzo touched the model of Sora on the screen. For the first time, he wondered if it were actually possible for him to save Sora.

"We should watch these recordings firstly, and then we can tweak copy and tweak the model appropriately. We might not have access to Sora's newer memories, but we have the journals, which might allow us to fill in some gaps." He opened the first of the recordings. "You might want to get comfortable. We're going to be here for some time."