VII.

Ansem wasn't lying.

The hours passed in a haze. Ienzo took feverish notes about the model, noting its unique behaviors. It started off with quite simple thoughts which gradually became more complex and human. As the recordings passed, Ienzo could see it-him-grow and change just like a person.

Eventually, his hand started cramping from the writing and his head ached from looking at the bright screen for so long. He barely noticed the pain until Ansem paused the recording.

"I think that's enough for now," he said gently.

Ienzo flexed his wrist. He wished he were ambidextrous.

"You should get something to eat. Some sunlight."

Ienzo looked at the clock in the corner of the monitor. Sure enough, it was morning; they'd been here all night. "Yes-I suppose-" When he stood, his knees trembled. "What about you?"

"I have a few things to tie up. I'm going to make another copy of these files."

"Alright."

He set off. He felt shaky with low blood sugar, and cursed the fact that he had to have a body. The kitchen seemed both very near and very far away. He saw Demyx's shock of blonde hair and was relieved he was up and about. "Oh, Demyx. You're alright. What-" His exhausted mind only then saw the black coat.

Demyx noticed his shock. "I did laundry. I had nothing else to wear."

Thank goodness. He took a deep breath to settle himself. "Yes, I see. That makes sense."

"I made coffee. It should still be hot."

He took a cup. Coffee had never given him energy, but at least it was warm. He leaned against his palm.

"...Are you okay?" Demyx asked. "You look terrible."

Honestly, Ienzo felt terrible. Pulling all-nighters like this had scarcely bothered him so much as a Nobody. Being human intensified every feeling. "I should be asking you the same. I'm very tired."

"Why don't you get some rest?"

"Haven't the time lately."

Concern furrowed his brow. In this light, Demyx's eyes looked more green than teal. "I don't get it. You keep saying yourself that we have so much time now, but you aren't using any of it to take care of yourself."

He took a sip of his coffee-and lied. "I assure you I am in good health."

Demyx frowned. "You don't look like it."

With that, Ienzo felt a faint echo of the longing. Demyx's worry for him seemed genuine. "I'm surprised after your illness yesterday that you're worried about me."

Demyx blinked. "Of course I am. We're… we're friends." His voice faltered on the last word and he looked down into his mug.

Friends. Yes. "I suppose we are, aren't we," Ienzo said. He smiled. "I find I rather enjoy your company. When you're not collapsing, that is."

Demyx blushed. Ienzo could see it quite clearly in his sallow complexion, and it made his heart beat a little faster. But Demyx broke the tension. "What is it you're doing with Ansem?"

He drummed his fingers on the table. "Like I said before, we're trying to find a way to help Sora. It's very complicated work, and… emotionally taxing to boot. There's a lot at stake here. And while the ideas we've had are exciting, I feel as though I'm approaching something beyond understanding. And that frustrates me." He could feel his own face warming. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to complain to you."

"No, I mean, you've dealt with all my stupid shit. This is big. No wonder you're so stressed out." He clapped his hands together. "I know. You need a break."

"I haven't the time-"

"You can't help Sora if you're burning out. Which, clearly you are. You're important too, you know."

He traced his finger over the rim of his mug. "...I suppose you're right," he said softly.

"Course I am! Listen, if anyone's an expert in slacking off, it's me. Once my clothes are dry I'm taking you out of the castle to get some fresh air. In the meantime, you're going to go to bed."

"But I-"

Demyx shushed him. "You need sleep. When was the last time you had a full night's, anyway?"

Ienzo looked down. "...I cannot recall," he mumbled.

"Exactly. Go take a nap."

"Yes, I… that sounds much needed." Ienzo stood and he actually stumbled a little. Demyx caught him by the elbow.

"I'm going to keep an eye on your door," Demyx said. "If I see you leave to go off do work I'm going to be super pissed. And I can be scary."

Ienzo laughed a little. Goodness, how long had it been since he'd laughed? "You're sweet to care. Thank you."

"Go nap," he said, so sternly it was funny.

He took off his boots and lay in bed. He didn't know how to fight these feelings. It was nearly addicting, to be cared for. But before he could process these emotions more logically, his exhaustion sucked him into a deep sleep.

Ienzo dreamt.

In this dream he was a child still, walking through the cells in the pit of the castle. Heartless leaned forward, but rather than looking like Shadows or their counterparts, they were human silhouettes wreathed in darkness. "It's him," they would whisper from cell to cell, "it's the boy."

"That's my Ienzo." A younger Ansem. "You've done so well. Look at all this chaos." With a smile.

Things warped, and changed.

"Master?"

He'd been small, too small. He'd had a question for Ansem regarding their research, one that seemed important, but it had been blunted to him now. In Ansem's apartment, he saw Dilan, Braig, Aeleus, Xehanort, and Even, seeming impossibly tall.

"Where's Master Ansem?" He'd asked quietly.

He remembered them making eye contact with one another. Even had reached out towards him, but Braig placed a hand on his shoulder. Xehanort came forward and crouched down to meet Ienzo's eyes.

"He had to go away," Xehanort said.

"Go… away?"

Even turned and walked towards the window.

"He wasn't well," Xehanort said. "He's… he's gone mad. He's abandoned us."

He remembered being unable to speak. It felt like getting choked.

"You poor child," Xehanort said. "You've already lost so much-but we couldn't stand to lie to you."

A sensation of breathlessness, of tightness, of the world going sideways.

"He's panicking," Even said. He came over and drew Ienzo into his arms. "Deep breaths, little one. Count with me."

Months passed. The research continued. Most of the time he felt sick and anxious. Like the aftermath of his parents' death, it was all just a touch blurry. The darkness grew. Multiplied. He was in the lab with the others, watching the gathered hearts of their prisoners. They spoke of darkness, of the ways it could be utilized, of what it meant for human nature. All of a sudden there was the sound of a scuffle. He turned, only to see Aeleus's chest getting pierced with the Keyblade.

"You fools! What are you doing?" Even snapped.

"Don't act as if you don't know," Xehanort said.

Ienzo was swept into Even's arms. He tried to run, only to be tripped up by Dilan. They both fell heavily to the ground.

"Take me," Even cried, scrambling to regain his footing. "But don't hurt the boy!"

"The boy should've known better than to play in darkness," Xehanort said.

A burning hot slash. He and Even were on the ground, their bodies boiling away. "Master?" Ienzo whimpered, but he was nowhere to be found. "Why is this happening? It hurts, why does it-"

Xehanort knelt down next to him. "Your master abandoned you," he said. "But you will be made anew. Go to sleep."

Darkness.

"Master?"

"No, it's me, Demyx. I was just bringing you some water. Go back to sleep."

An aqueous, thin, airless consciousness. Ienzo was curled up tightly. "Why is this happening? It hurts, why does it-"

Being shaken. "Hey. It was just a nightmare. You're okay."

Ienzo could not quite see, one eye still in the nightmare. He sat up. His chest felt like it was on fire. Demyx was sitting next to him.

"Try and breathe, okay? It's over now. You're safe," he said gently.

Safe. Reality crashed into him; he was not little Ienzo, he was an adult. Try as he might, he could not reason this panic away. Could not stop sobbing. Could not stop seeing Xehanort cut them down-and reliving that abandonment over and over again-he'd been lied to.

He felt a hand on his back, rubbing in circles. The touch did not revile him. He hung onto it and tried to use it to pull himself out of the nightmare. Things were becoming clearer; it was Demyx.

Demyx hugged him. "You're alright now," he said. Logically, it was true. He was not in danger. The Heartless population was low. Ienzo leaned against him. The comfort of being held was slowly outweighing the panic. He could not recall the last time someone hugged him. It should not feel this strange or this foreign. It seemed a very long time before his thoughts started to run coherently again. Around then he realized the gravity of what had happened, and he pulled away and wiped at his raw eyes.

"Better?" Demyx asked. He handed him the water. "Here. Drink this."

Ienzo drank it all down and loosened his tie. He was strangely numb.

"That was a memory, wasn't it?" Demyx asked.

He nodded. "...You're here," he said. Speaking was difficult.

Demyx looked sheepish. "Oh. I mean, I was just checking on you. But then I saw you were dreaming, and I couldn't leave you in the nightmare."

"I'm sorry you had to see me like this." His voice was more normal now. "Sometimes the memories are stronger than others."

Demyx offered him a smile, but it was laced with concern. "Come on. You've seen me worse off."

He hugged himself tightly. He wanted to be held again, but was too embarrassed to initiate it.

"...Do you want to talk about it?" Demyx asked.

Ienzo shook his head. "No. Let's… let's go to town." The castle, despite its size, seemed claustrophobic. He didn't want to see it right now, or be anywhere near it. He needed air.

"Are you sure? You just had one of the biggest panic attacks I've ever seen. Maybe you should just chill."

"I need to get out of here," he insisted.

Demyx hesitated. "Sure. Whatever you want."

Ienzo didn't start feeling better until he felt the cool evening air on his flushed skin.

"It's getting dark," Demyx said. "You sure it's safe? Neither of us have weapons."

Ienzo nodded. "The Heartless haven't been as plentiful as of late. There's also the town's defense system."

"...Right, but we see something, we're heading back. 'Cause I am so not in the mood."

He hadn't ever been to town at night. It made the square look almost alien, with all the fairy lights strung up. This should have concerned him, but it was a comfort. He could pretend he was somewhere else.

That is not a healthy coping mechanism, Ienzo.

Demyx's voice was full of excitement. "There's a concert in the square. We have to go."

"That must be new," Ienzo said. "I haven't seen anything like that here in a very long time. I should like to see it myself."

The marketplace was crowded, but Ienzo did not feel overwhelmed. To be one in a dozen was a relief. He wanted to be invisible. Once they found the stage, Demyx began to push towards the front.

"There's a bench over there," Ienzo said. "I'd rather not sit on the cold ground."

He looked disappointed, but conceded. "No problem." He was looking everywhere, at everything, with such a vibrant interest. Ienzo's mood eased slightly. He gestured to a concession stand. "Are you hungry? Let's get snacks."

They did so, getting popcorn and a hard apple cider that was so sweet Ienzo could barely tell it was alcoholic. They settled back down on the bench.

"I take it you don't get out much," Demyx said.

"Not at all," Ienzo said. "It's very easy for me to forget about the mundane. I feel like all I do is look at the bigger picture. Especially lately."

"It's helpful sometimes. Otherwise it's so easy to lose perspective. When I would do recon missions, I spent so much time picking apart everything about a world-its culture, its people, the power dynamics at play-that I would forget that everyone there is living. Sometimes I had to join them, to talk to someone, to just… remember I'm real. It's the only way you can hang onto yourself." He said this all very insightfulness with which he spoke made Ienzo feel warm in the fall chill.

"Perhaps you're right," Ienzo said. "But how can I afford to put myself above everything when there's so much at stake?"

"You're not putting yourself above it. You're treating yourself as having worth. Which is something you keep lecturing me about." His gaze was bright, fervent. Ienzo's heart was beating hard.

"I think it's starting," he said. Anything to break eye contact.

The musicians were not very good, and the songs were old folk songs Ienzo had heard dozens of times. He found himself feeling a little bored. He observed the crowd for a little while-the young woman who spilled her drink, a small baby smearing cake all over its face, children bickering over ice cream-before he noticed Demyx's expression. Rapt, unshakeable, and reverent. He'd needed this, Ienzo realized.

There was a brief intermission. Demyx shook his head a little as he came back into reality, and then he jumped when he saw Ienzo.

"I'm sorry," Ienzo said. "It was just so interesting to watch you watch them, so to speak. It was like you were in your own little world."

"No. No, it made me feel a part of this one."

The musicians were back, and the music they played was more energetic. People started dancing, some of them half-drunk. Ienzo wondered if part of the warmth he felt was due to the alcohol. The pint had gone down a little too easily.

"Do you want to join them?" Demyx asked.

"Me? Don't be absurd."

"Come on. It'll be fun. Give me one good reason why not."

"We'll look foolish."

"More like you'll look dumb for being the only one still sitting. And besides. I bet half of these people are too drunk to care."

"...I wouldn't know how."

"It's not exactly rocket science." Demyx offered his hand.

Ienzo sighed and drummed his fingers against the seat of the bench. "Fine. But do not tell anyone about this."

"That's the spirit."

He took Demyx's hand. The little jolt that passed through him made him freeze up. To do this-to dance together-almost like they were a- "I changed my mind." But he could not bring himself to let go of his hand. Demyx almost seemed not to notice.

He looked a little disappointed. "...Are you embarrassed? Hey, it's okay. I'm just trying to help you relax a little. Do you want to go back?"

"Yes… perhaps."

The air was even cooler as they walked back to the castle, the town lights seeming less bright. They had no trouble with Heartless. As they reached the postern, Ienzo looked up.

The stars were more numerous than perhaps he had ever seen. Even as a boy, the darkness had been starting to spread. Now, with the worlds restoring themselves, the night sky was full of light. Demyx pulled his hand gently, to go back inside.

"Just another moment. Look at the sky. I haven't seen… I can't believe…" He reached up and traced the shape of the constellations he had once memorized. "Why is it that I've never looked up? Look, Cassiopeia is there in almost its entirety. It's been ten years since I've seen it in full. And Calliope."

"It's over," Demyx said. "Finally."

He could feel his eyes watering for the second time that day, but now it was far less painful. "No, there's still so much work to do. And yet I thought this would all be over… because of me. Because of my mistakes, my insistence we did those experiments, almost everything was destroyed…"

"But the darkness was always there. You couldn't have known what would happen. Anyway, you were a kid. Someone else should have known better and helped you."

"You're too kind to me, Demyx." He shook his head and took his hand back. "Part of me will probably always feel guilty."

"Then… let me help you with that. And I'll be there to remind you of all the good you've done."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but this is my pill to swallow."

There was a silence then, one full of a potential. Ienzo hesitated. The exhaustion of the day made it hard not to be honest. "I… have enjoyed your company," Ienzo said after what felt like an eternity. "You've shown me there is more to life than… well, guilt and research. It reminds me that I am human, and… real." Maybe to feel such wasn't a bad thing after all.

"I know what you mean." He could feel Demyx looking at him. "I always thought I would be alone somehow. And now I'm not."

He turned slightly. Another type of anxiety flooded his veins. "Rather succinct."

Demyx's fingers brushed his cheek, holding his face delicately, like it was something precious. Adrenaline burned through him. For so long be had convinced himself this was not so, and yet… he placed his hand on top of his, wanting to feel whole, to be whole enough to enjoy this.

Demyx leaned forward and kissed him. His lips were soft and cool, and the kiss was more of a question than anything. It was over before Ienzo could really consciously realize what had happened.

He froze, all at once; the old familiar feeling of silence taking over him. It had been so long since that last happened that he didn't know how to react.

Demyx bristled. "I'm sorry. I thought-Look, I-"

Ienzo shook his head vigorously, trying to convey the truth, but he could not speak. He couldn't even mouth the words.

"Will you say something? Please?" Even in the soft light Ienzo could see the panic in his shoulders. "I didn't mean to hurt you-"

Ienzo put a hand to his throat. As hard as he tried, he couldn't make a sound. He wrung his hands.

"I'm sorry. Oh god. I'm going to leave you alone. I'm so sorry." And like that, he took off. Had he always been so fast? Ienzo tried to will himself to follow, but he felt fixed to the spot, a whole unexplored type of panic taking over him.

Demyx had kissed him.

He touched his mouth uncertainly, partially in disbelief. So all of this touch had meant-

Demyx had kissed him.

The moment kept running behind his eyes. He was shaking all over. Was this how he was meant to react? He felt sick. He felt exhilarated. He felt- he felt-

Breathe, Ienzo.

More than anything, he felt like an anxious mess, which was not normal. He walked slowly back towards the library. He needed quiet, lack of stimuli. He needed to process this.

Ienzo settled in his old favorite chair in a hidden alcove of the library and counted ceiling tiles until he was at least able to stop shaking.

Okay. So he'd been kissed. Most people his age had experienced this, and typically more. He'd never thought it was possible. He hadn't, prior to several weeks ago, even wanted this. And yet.

This only confirmed that he hadn't been misreading the signs. The attraction between them was mutual. Where had it come from? And why on earth was it so strong? The only real connection they had was intense anxiety, and surely no healthy partnership could come of that.

And yet.

It was such a relief to have conversations outside research. It almost made him feel real, but at the same time feeling real was frightening. The fact that he'd gone nonverbal for the first time in years was testament to that. Was such a fear something he wanted? Maybe not. Was it something he needed to grow, though? To make this life even remotely worth living?

Say he entertained a relationship between them. There were only two-no, three ways- it could go. The first being purely physical. He dismissed that option; they'd already started to bond more strongly than that.

That left two more.

Say it didn't work out. This could be disastrous, and considering their sheer difference was statistically more likely. Considering for the time being Demyx had to live here, if there were a schism between them life at the castle could become unbearable. There was simply no way. The sensible thing to do would be to avoid him until Ienzo could ride out the attraction.

And. Yet. He wasn't even sure he wanted to let himself think about this option in theory.

What if it did work out?

It seemed that their differences would be either an extreme strength or an extreme weakness. Demyx's relaxed, personable nature complemented Ienzo's uptight anxiety; perhaps his own sensibility and reflection could act as a counterpoint. There was also the matter of physical longing, which itself was potent. How much longer could he let himself live so stifled, without taking calculated risks?

The sensible thing to do would be to nip this in the bud. Maybe it was the memory of the kiss, or maybe it was his own sheer exhaustion, but Ienzo simply didn't feel like being sensible.

He'd been sitting there for so long thinking that it was growing light outside. He stood and shook himself. His heart was racing again, but this time it was bearable.

His footsteps were a little faster than normal. Was he really going to do this? It was all a little dizzying.

Ienzo approached Demyx's door, and knocked.