VIII.

Demyx looked pale and unwell, exactly like he'd spent the night awake and worrying. "I'm so sorry," was the first thing he said.

"You've done nothing wrong."

"Of course I did. I forced myself on you-"

Ienzo shook his head. He was feeling weak now, and leaned against the dresser for support. "You've done no such thing. "I've thought… and I've thought… I've felt… something physical between us. The hints have been piling up, and this… longing I feel… I can't categorize. I have to explain myself." He took a deep breath. He couldn't meet his eyes. ""When I was a child there were times I would go mute," he said. "Whenever I felt something strong, or experienced something traumatic, I would shut down. These spells have gotten less common as I've gotten older, but when I experience them, it's impossible to communicate. It still happens now when I'm under exceptional stress, or surprised.

"And you surprised me. I'm sure it was an odd thing to witness." He was wringing his hands together. "I thought about it all night. Part of me wonders if this is displaced desire, or hormonal impulses on both of our parts. I don't pretend to understand these things. I never had reason to in the past. Maybe some would consider this a poor match. But I am tired of denying myself good things."

Demyx's eyes widened. "You mean-"

Before Ienzo could lose his nerve, he crossed the remaining few feet between them and kissed him back. They bumped noses and their teeth nearly collided. He had no idea how to do this and was momentarily thrown by the fact that it didn't come as naturally as he'd thought. Demyx froze a little.

"I know what you mean," he stuttered. "About this being confusing, and weird, and probably a bad idea, but I… I'm all in, Ienzo."

He sat down next to him on the bed. His face was flushed, and his whole body was warm with endorphins. Demyx took his hand. "I didn't know what to expect," Ienzo said.

"When I kissed you? That was your first?"

"I never had the desire before. Or really, the time. I presume the same isn't the case for you."

"...Well. That's true."

A few beats of tense silence. Demyx put an arm around him, lightly. "Did you want me to do it again?"

"...I should… I should like that."

He reached towards him and ran a hand through his hair. This time the kiss felt more like Ienzo thought it would, and he let himself learn. He let his hands rest at Demyx's waist. There was a thrill in being held like this. The sensation was exactly like not feeling hunger until eating, and his composure was slipping. He traced the shape of Demyx's face, the shape of bones, let his hands pull through the blonde hair.

Still. Ienzo knew how easy it would be to get overwhelmed, and he could feel he was rapidly approaching that point, pleasure seamlessly giving way to a sort of frazzled overstimulation. He pulled away. "I didn't think it would feel this way."

"Disappointed?"

"No. The opposite." Ienzo could feel the silence coming now. His hands shook. "But I'm starting to feel ov-oversti-" There it went.

"Overstimulated?" Demyx finished for him. "It's okay if you need space. This is all new to you. We can take it really slow."

Ienzo moved away a few feet and pulled his knees to his chest.

After a few minutes of breathing, Demyx broke the silence again. "You go quiet?" Ienzo nodded. "That's okay. We can just chill here." He swung his feet a little. "Is it okay if I talk?"

He nodded.

"It was really unexpected for me too," Demyx said. "It just felt so much more real than anything I've experienced. Maybe it's because I have a heart… or part of one, or whatever. I'm just… glad. I'm still barely catching my breath."

The fact that he'd wanted this too sent another warm wave through Ienzo. Aspects of their research were becoming clear. No wonder people in deep relationships had been so much harder to pull apart. There was a strength in this, one that bolstered the wall of anxiety he was constantly fighting. And yet, a tenuousness, as well.

After what must've been an hour he could feel his voice come back, and cleared his throat.

"Better?" Demyx asked.

"Quite. I'm very… I'm very tired." He hadn't slept in the better part of two days, and he could really feel it now.

"Go try to sleep. And it seems like you've just gone through a lot. If it makes you feel better, I'm probably going to turn in too. Hard to sleep last night."

"Yes, I agree."

Demyx kissed him once more. "I'll see you later."

The rest of the day he slept. Effortless.

Over the course of the next two weeks, Ienzo's life took on a comfortable pattern.

In the mornings, he and Ansem would review the footage of Data Sora. In the afternoons, he would spend time with Demyx, working away at the translations. In the evenings, dinner with everyone. Ienzo looked forward to those afternoons. Truthfully, since the confession not a whole lot had substantially changed about their interactions. They held hands, sometimes. Demyx was more comfortable showing physical affection than Ienzo, giving him the odd kiss on the cheek. Even this much was a lot to get used to. He'd wanted this, and now that he had it it overwhelmed him. At least Ienzo was able to take his time. He wondered if he were even ready to pursue something like this.

"Are you still having nightmares?" Demyx asked him.

"Not as frequently. And yourself?"

"No. Not really. I've been kind of distracted lately."

"By what?"

Demyx raised an eyebrow.

Ienzo nodded. "Right. Forgive me."

He smiled. "Sometimes you're immune to flirting, you know that?"

"Perhaps my way of expressing interest is far different than yours." He smiled.

"You make me read too much into it."

"Isn't that the point, as it were?"

"No!" They were spending less and less time working, more and more time talking, he noticed. About anything. He wasn't used to having such room to speak so casually.

Ienzo laughed a little. "It is… strange, being known this way."

"What do you mean?"

"I feel as if I'm to let you see a part of me that is guarded," Ienzo said.

"You feel vulnerable," he said instantly.

That was exactly what this was. To let his defenses down was simultaneously easy and impossible. "Yes. It's frightening."

"Very," Demyx agreed.

"I had thought for so long that being open was a bad thing. Maybe it's… necessary. Maybe in a way this is what I need."

"...And now you're flirting with me."

"Very astute of you. You're catching on." Ienzo kissed him. It a way this felt like playing with fire. He didn't really know his own limits, so whenever he approached them it was an anxious shock. He didn't want to break the kiss off, but he had to. They were both breathing hard. "I cannot stop thinking of this," he admitted. "I thought there might be something wrong with me."

"What, that you're a person that has hormones? Congratulations, Ienzo. You're like most of the human race."

He didn't make eye contact when he said, "I'm not used to feeling want."

Demyx kissed his forehead. Ienzo wanted to pull him close, but the frazzled overstimulation was running over him in waves. His hands were shaking, and he was a little dizzy.

"And you decided you wanted me ," Demyx said gently. "There was a lot of thought behind your decision. That's pretty gay of you."

He hadn't heard that word in a long time. Hadn't considered it part of himself or his identity. But it was true, wasn't it? This was more or less the textbook definition. "Don't make me regret it."

Time seemed to be passing quickly now. The days were not so dreadfully uniform. It got cooler. The translation work soon became nothing but a guise to spend time together.

One thing was changing; Ienzo and Ansem had finished reviewing all the footage. Ienzo had two notebooks of notes, and that wasn't even including what they'd gleaned from Jiminy's journals. Ansem was going to help him start programming situations for their Data Sora to run in. Ienzo's own programming skills were not terribly advanced, and he really needed the help. Unfortunately, though, he couldn't really shirk out of the work in the afternoons unless he wanted to tell him why, and Ienzo wasn't quite ready for that. It wasn't a fear of acceptance-same-gender relationships had always been legal and celebrated when Ansem ruled Radiant Garden-but rather a fear that Ansem would advise him against it. All that did was prey on Ienzo's own insecurities.

"I'm going to be spending a few days with Master Ansem," Ienzo said one of those afternoons. "You might not see much of me."

"The data?" Demyx asked.

Ienzo nodded. He'd explained, as simply as possible knowing Demyx's feelings towards Sora, what was going on. "The more time passes, the more everyone worries that Sora's drifting farther away. He and I will be doing what we can, and a few of the others will be visiting too."

"The others?"

"The guardians of light. I'm sure you know all of them."

"We didn't exactly… talk all that much."

Right. Well, he had been in hiding the majority of the time."Well, you can see this as an opportunity to get to know them, then. It would be good for you to make some connections."

He looked away, a nervous glint in his eye. "I'll try. Just like you better take care of yourself."

"Or what?"

He smirked. "For me to know and you to find out."

Heat crept under his skin. "I see. Not much of an incentive, then." Ienzo rested his hands on Demyx's shoulders and kissed the top of his head. "I like your hair soft like this. It suits you." Whatever bottomless supply of hair product he'd had had run out, and he'd pulled the longer top part back. It fit his face better.

"You think so?"

"Yes. A tad more mature." It made his hair easier to touch, less sticky, but he didn't need to know that.

He smiled a little at the compliment, but then his eyes darkened. "Do you have to go?"

"I'll be right here in the castle. We'll see each other at dinner." Ienzo rested against him for a moment.

"...Do they know?" Demyx asked.

"Who knows what?"

"Ansem and the others. About us."

"I… do not know how to bring it up." Truthfully, thinking about it made him feel something like embarrassment. This was entirely uncharted territory, physically and emotionally. Would they think he couldn't control himself? Or that he was pathetic for throwing himself into the arms of the first person he was somewhat comfortable with? Moreover, this was Demyx. They would surely have a lot of opinions about that.

"Do you think he'll be mad?"

"Master Ansem? No, I don't think so. Surprised, no doubt. But he likes you. You did save him, after all. I know you two have not spoken much." Ienzo couldn't help but wonder what that conversation must have been like. How had Demyx found Ansem? It must have taken a long time, searching and calling. And Ansem must have been anticipating the reunion with his apprentices. Just the thought of that moment made his skin crawl with regret. "We will cross that bridge when we're ready," Ienzo said. "Maybe, for now, try and get to know them better. They haven't seen you change the way I have." He sat down next to him on the bench. He meant to kiss Demyx goodbye, lightly and chastely, but that wasn't what it became. Ienzo felt himself being drawn close. They kissed long and slow and deeply. Ienzo wondered briefly what it might be like to take the kiss a little bit farther, and before he could check the impulse properly, he ran his tongue against Demyx's lips.

He pulled away, stunned.

Ienzo's face burned. "I'm sorry-I should have asked- I have thought of this as an experiment. It… helps."

"An experiment," Demyx said slowly. "Yeah. I like that." And kissed him again. His lips parted slightly. It was awkward, and spitty, and Ienzo had no idea what was supposed to feel good and what wasn't. Demyx pulled his hands through his hair. Ienzo tried to copy the way he moved and found the result much more pleasant. Yes. Now he could understand why people did this. He felt giddy, positively electric. Demyx pulled away from the kiss and pressed his lips against Ienzo's jaw and throat and for a moment, or maybe several, it was easy not to think.

Did he deserve to feel this way? As their relationship outgrew the tenuous period and became more permanent, he couldn't help but consider that this had been taken away from others because of his own cruelty.

There was only one way he could atone.

Ienzo pulled away. "I really must go. He'll be waiting."

"Do you have to?"

"Yes. As much as I'd be happier sitting here with you."

"Making out."

"Well. Yes."

Demyx kissed his cheek. "I'm serious about you taking care of yourself."

"I'm aware. I will try." He left the room abruptly, willing himself not to look back, treading guilt and lust in equal parts. He retrieved his lab coat and put it on, letting it act as a sort of mask. He was Ienzo, the researcher. He was going to make sense of this.

No matter the cost.

"I'm here, Master. I'm sorry I'm late."

Ansem was at the computer, plugging away at code. He looked up and smiled. "That's alright. I'm laying the groundwork for you. You'd most likely have been sitting observing me anyway. How is it, with the project?"

Ienzo felt himself blush. "It… goes," he said lamely.

"I've always wondered what it might be like to have an outsider assist with our work. Sometimes it's so easy to lose perspective. A third party can see things so much more clearly."

"Yes, Demyx is actually quite sharp," Ienzo said. "I feel rather poorly for how we treated him in the Organization. We're actually developed something of a friendship." He sat down. Something was the right word for it. Against his will he thought of that kiss, and had to fight hard to keep his expression neutral.

Ansem nodded. "That's good news. You need friends your own age. I fear, sometimes, that we've raised you to be an old soul."

"Well. Nothing can be changed about that."

Ansem kept coding. He barely had to look at the screen. "How is it you've been feeling?"

Ienzo considered. "Well-as it is-" He wondered if he might lie. He sighed. "Not… well," he admitted. "My anxiety has been on the rise again. I just feel so much, so constantly. I thought as the weeks passed it would improve, and yet it isn't. I've been having panic attacks with concerning frequency. I feel as though I'm not quite in control of myself."

Ansem's fingers, on the keyboard, suddenly halted.

"As well as nightmares." He was aware of the way his speech was changing, becoming more fragmented, more casual, the more time he spent with Demyx.

"You poor boy," Ansem said. "That's quite a lot to deal with on its own, and then there's the matter of your readjustment. Thank you for confiding in me."

Ienzo glanced at the screen, at the lines and lines of code Ansem had built. "May I ask you something?"

"Anything, Ienzo."

"You didn't abandon us truly, did you?"

Ansem was silent. For several long minutes the only sound was the soft whirring of the computer's fan. "No," he said at last. "Xehanort and Braig were the ones to banish me to the Realm of Darkness. No doubt the lies they told you were very compromising. For the longest time I fought to get back to you. I knew how you must have been feeling, especially after you lost your parents. Believe me. But the Realm of Darkness is a terrible place."

Ienzo felt numb. He took shallow breaths, in through the nose out through the mouth, like he'd read.

"You have been so gracious to forgive me, Ienzo."

"I do not deserve forgiveness," Ienzo whispered. "I do not… deserve…" He was shaking and tried to keep breathing steadily.

Ansem took both his hands in a gesture that meant to comfort. "Do you sincerely believe that?"

"All those lives that were lost-all the atrocities I've committed-"

"You were a child . As the one who adopted you, it was supposed to have been my responsibility to teach you right from wrong, to steer you on the right path. But you were so bright. I exploited you, Ienzo, and that is not your fault. No doubt it was easy for Xehanort and the others to follow that example."

He could not speak.

"You are a very intelligent, very empathetic young man. You have shown tremendous strength in the face of adversity. You do deserve forgiveness, if that's what you need to hear, but there is nothing to be forgiven for."

He blinked.

"I will spend my life trying to atone for what I've done to all of you. But you're so young. You should not have that burden weighing you down."

His chest ached. Ienzo held the panic at bay by inches. Ansem is right , he tried to tell himself. He is right. It is not my fault. The thoughts felt hollow. Maybe if he repeated them enough they would be true.

Ienzo looked at himself in the mirror.

He did not consider himself a vain person. He had no strong feelings about his appearance in either extreme. It was a body, a body that was mostly healthy, and for that he was thankful.

His (call it what it is, Ienzo) relationship with Demyx was putting everything into a new context. He was feeling certain things for the first time, and it made him aware that his body was worth more than being dreadingly carried around.

That's me. Not Zexion.

He almost, but not quite, believed it. His sense of self was so fragile, but it was growing stronger. He traced the scars at his throat. He remembered them, and for the first time instead of thinking of that same stranglehold, he thought of what it might feel like if they were kissed. A hot flush of want rose under his skin, the faint pink actually visible in the mirror.

Ienzo was tired of fighting how he felt. For once, it was nice to just let himself feel, and dream. It was almost like breathing. It was so important to learn to do this.

He wanted to be kissed, held-maybe one day he would be deserving of it. He looked at himself and saw potential. He would be good enough for Demyx. He would make sure of it.

He programmed in a fervor. Ansem guided him, helped with the more complex pieces, but for the most part it was Ienzo's work. To create a digital world was easy. To make its inhabitants behave naturally was harder, and still harder was making a Data Sora. Ienzo worked for an unknown amount of time on the copy of Data Sora, but he did not seem to want to function correctly. He did not behave in the same unique ways that the previous Data Sora had; he was just an unfeeling chunk of programming.

He was aware that he was growing tired, and thirsty and hungry, but those needs seemed to be easy to ignore at the moment. If he could just make one good breakthrough, he would rest.

Eventually, they had company.

Ienzo heard Lea's voice first, and this was not at all soothing. At first he thought he might be imagining it, but then there were other voices, too.

He stood and crossed over to the other section of the lab. His knees felt shaky.

"Hey, there you are!" Lea was cheerful.

It was surreal, especially considering his very exhaustion, to see them all, whole and human. Ienzo could barely even say hello. Lea approached him, looking sheepish.

"I know we haven't gotten a chance to talk. But I gotta say I'm sorry." He rubbed at the back of his neck. "For what I did to you. You didn't deserve it."

Ienzo thought of what Ansem said about forgiveness. He considered his own atrocities, and how he felt now. He sighed. "Lea, I've already forgiven you," he said. "I'd much rather move on. If it's all the same."

"You're too nice now. Where's your sass?" He smiled, but it was shy, underplayed. Somehow in all this Lea had gotten a lesson in being humble.

"It's still here," Ienzo said. "I assure you."

Isa approached him. "You're looking well," he said.

That was a lie, and Ienzo knew it. "Thank you. So are you. I can't thank you enough for helping to bring Ansem back. What was it that made you defect?"

"I'd been his puppet for way too long," Isa said. "And-to put it aptly-Xehanort idea's of resetting the world, of having a clean slate, never quite sat right. Someone had to do something. It was just lucky that we had two members we could spare, and who were willing."

"Yeah, where are they?" Lea asked.

"Even is busy with his work as usual. As for Demyx, he's here in the castle. I'm sure he'll be by shortly."

"And everyone's okay?" Lea asked. "No more gold-eyed monsters?"

"Everyone's human," Ienzo assured him.

"Speaking of," another voice butted in. Ienzo found he was having a little trouble keeping up with the conversation, all the different faces in the room. He must be more tired than he thought. Roxas offered him a smile. "We wanted to say thanks."

"It was my pleasure," Ienzo said genuinely. "I am glad to see all of you again, and in good health. You've had no trouble with the replicas?"

"No, everything feels fine," Naminé said. "But it's kind of strange, getting to be me."

A dark haired girl nodded. "Yeah, it is. But I like it." Ienzo had trouble for a moment placing her, but then there were the memories. Xion grinned at him. "Do you remember me, Ienzo?"

"Of course," he said. "It… truly makes me happy to know you're doing well."

"We came along for the ride. Naminé told me about the flowers here, and I wanted to see them." Xion squeezed her hand, and there was a soft look between the two. Ienzo couldn't help but wonder if they, too, had struck up some kind of relationship. "But we're also worried about Sora and Kairi."

Any semblance of cheerfulness was sucked out of the room. For a long moment nobody spoke. Ienzo took a deep breath. "I am doing my best to puzzle it out. If Sora is alive, or existing in some way, his heart is so unique that the bonds connected to it might hold the answer." He explained, briefly, his hypothesis. "If I'm able to prove, in simulation, that there's some way for one of you to contact him, then we can move forward and try it. With this sort of thing, I don't feel comfortable throwing someone into the great beyond without the data to support it. We've lost enough people as it is."

"But-" Roxas said, but Xion put a hand on his shoulder.

"He's right, Roxas," she said. "We have to be careful. If it's meant to happen, it will happen."

"That's a good attitude to have," Ienzo said. "I feel… fairly confident. I just need a little more time. In the meantime, I'm sure you all are welcome here."

"I wanted to talk to Even," Xion said. "It's thanks to him we're all here, after all."

"Demyx, too," Naminé said.

"He was a surprising addition to the plan, but it all worked out for the best," Isa conceded.

"People do have a tendency to underestimate him," Ienzo said. "I'm sure he'll be along once you're through with Even."

"I wish you could visit with us more," Xion said.

Ienzo tried to smile. "There will be time for that, in the future. But I must get back to work. Isa, Lea, do you remember where Even's lab is? Can you escort them?"

"Sure we can," Lea said. "And Ienzo? Take it easy, okay?"

More hours passed. He ate a meal, napped for a few minutes. The code seemed to be fighting him, and Ansem agreed that, technically speaking, there was nothing wrong with it. It was Data Sora himself. He didn't seem to like the changes Ienzo had made to him, physically or otherwise, and would glitch and refused to move.

"Why don't you take a break," Ansem suggested. "A few minutes to clear your head. Maybe get some tea? I'll take a look."

Ienzo sighed. "Yes. Perhaps."

He felt a little woozy the long walk back, but shook it off. There was time for rest later. If only he could present some sort of tangible result to the guardians while they were still here. Their faces had been so eager-

To his surprise, he saw Lea and Isa talking to Even, not far from Demyx's bedroom.

"Is everything alright?" Ienzo asked. His heart beat unpleasantly quickly.

"Demyx fainted again," Even explained.

"He was hanging out with us, and we were just talking about our lives and pasts and whatnot," Lea said.

"It is strange he doesn't have his sitar," Isa added.

"Well, none of us have our Nobody weapons," Ienzo said. "It's a pity, yes, but it's just our biology."

Lea gave him a droll look. "Then explain this." He summoned, with perfect ease, Axel's chakrams.

Ienzo blinked. "Have you always had them, as Lea?"

"Since I woke up. Came easier than the Keyblade."

Even and Ienzo exchanged a glance; he was just as puzzled as Ienzo was.

"And if he's half as connected to his sitar as I am to these babies, -and he is-, he should definitely still have it." The weapons disappeared.

"We told him as much, and then he blacked out," Isa explained.

"He and I still only have part of our hearts," Even said. "It's made him very brittle."

"He's taken the loss very hard," Ienzo said. "I hope this is a good sign that it'll return to him."

"We've all handled this situation uniquely. I don't think there necessarily is a standard," Even said. "I'll try to investigate further. I should like to be able to use ice again. It made my experiments so much easier."

Ienzo tried to figure out why the hall seemed so dark, but then he realized it was nighttime. When had that happened? He touched his forehead.

"Unfortunately, we must go," Isa said.

"Our ride's here," Lea explained.

"I'm glad you came," Ienzo said.

"So are we. It was nice to see the town nearly as nice as it once was," Isa said. "But this place doesn't quite feel like home anymore."

"No," he agreed. "Well. Safe travels. I hope you'll visit when we're all well."

"That'd be nice," Lea said. "Guess we'll see you around."

They left. Ienzo was feeling strange, oddly bereft.

"Those two tire me," Even said, to break the tension. "Lea would not stop apologizing. As if the path to goodness is so simple." He shook his head. "I admit it was nice to speak with Xion. She's a lovely girl, very bright and personable. I should like to get to know her. To believe I created her myself, and I don't understand her mind. It's fascinating."

"Yes," Ienzo said numbly.

"Are you off to get some sleep?"

Ienzo blinked. "In a few moments. I wanted to check on Demyx first."

"His vitals are stable and he's merely asleep now. I was just in there."

Ienzo blushed. "I'm sure you're right."

Even nodded, and turned to leave, but then he changed his mind. "On the subject of people I raised… you do know I still care for you, yes?"

Ienzo wondered if he might actually be asleep, and this whole day had been a strange dream. "What made you think of that?"

"Xion's presence gave me clarity. I have been… cold, to pardon the pun. I have been isolating myself, and that is not healthy. I am wondering what it might be like to be Even again." He patted Ienzo's shoulder. "You're a good boy. You're too hard on yourself." And off he went.

Once he was out of sight, Ienzo went inside Demyx's room.

It was still minimally furnished, with nothing to make the space really his other than the little illumina plant, which added a soft violet glow to the room. A cool breeze blew in through the partially open window. Sure enough, Demyx was fast asleep. Ienzo perched on the bed reached out to stroke his face. At his touch, he stirred. "It's all right. Go back to sleep."

Demyx blinked and stretched. "You came."

"I heard you were ill."

Demyx looked at him, really looked at him, and must have taken in how terrible he looked, because he said, "You're tired."

"It's nothing I can't handle. Don't worry about me right now."

He shook his head. "It's okay. We were drinking, and I guess I'm not used to it. I'm fine." The lie sounded unnervingly natural in his mouth.

"You don't believe that."

"Well, it's true."

"Please don't lie to me."

Ienzo could see, in the pale moonlight, that his eyes were watering. "I was with Lea and Isa," he said falteringly. "They were talking about their human memories, and how it connected to their weapons, and how my sitar should still be a part of it and I…" He was hiccuping now. "I don't remember, Ienzo. I don't remember anything."

"Nothing?"

"Almost nothing."

Ienzo's brows furrowed together in confusion. "I don't see why that is. If you're human-or at least getting there-you should have no trouble remembering anything. I…" Considering all that he knew now, this information was troubling, but not surprising. Thoughts surged through his mind and he ached to voice them, to get some clarity, but he could see how much this had shaken Demyx and stayed quiet. Ienzo hugged him and felt him cling back, sobbing anxiously. The sound sent little fingers of pain through his heart. "I'll help you figure this out," Ienzo said.

"I'm sorry," Demyx said.

"Demyx, I'm positive this is not your fault."

He held Demyx for a while longer, until the sobs quieted and he leaned tiredly against Ienzo. Ienzo longed to keep holding him, to rest together, to tell him everything that had happened that day. But the thought of such a thing also made him anxious. He kissed him on the cheek. "Try to get some rest," he said. "I'll come find you tomorrow."

As exhausted as he was, when he lay down alone in his own bed, he could not sleep a wink.