X.

Ienzo slept surprisingly well. Demyx had provided him with unheard-of comfort, and his anxiety was momentarily soothed. When he woke up after sleeping a blessed ten or so hours, he couldn't help but crave being held again. He wanted-he wanted-

You are an adult.

He wanted to make love.

Ienzo sat up. He looked out the window, at the beautiful fall morning. His hands trembled slightly. This was normal. This was all normal.

Of course he knew how it worked; he wasn't naive. He'd studied enough and been taught enough about biology to understand the base mechanics. That doesn't mean he could understand how it would make him feel. Or what he would do if these things happened in real life. And yet, curiosity and desire were starting to override the thick, heady fear.

Vulnerability was… terrifying. If the past few days meant anything, he needed that. He needed that openness. And perhaps it was lucky that he was with the only other person who could understand.

Ienzo had to invest in their relationship. More than anything, he had to invest in himself. Otherwise-otherwise-well, there really was no reason to go on, was there? It was true. How could he possibly atone? There was no point also being unhappy. Devaluing himself would only lead to him working himself to death. And he still had so much to experience in this weird, weird existence.

He ate breakfast and kept reading the fantasy story. There was such an appeal in endless fiction, in stories where the hero always came out on top. Demyx came into the kitchen. His hair was still wet. He kissed Ienzo and sat across from him. This week would be good for them, Ienzo thought.

Yet, the small part of him that was always bitter couldn't help but see it as selfish. Why did he deserve this?

Before he could spiral much further, Demyx asked him, "I've been meaning to ask you. Why do you always keep your hair in your face? Is it an aesthetic thing?"

Yes. That. Ever since he was small, he'd found the weight of the hair comforting. Sensory overload often overwhelmed him; dampening some of his senses only helped ease that childhood anxiety, and he'd seen no reason to change since then. "You sound like Even," Ienzo said, shaking his head. "Partially, I suppose. When I was little the weight of it would help me avoid sensory overload. Now it's just habit more than anything. I assure you I can see quite well."

"Really?"

"Yes. Seeing or hearing too much would cause me intense anxiety, especially certain pitches. Not so much anymore."

"Mythology," Demyx said.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I just want to learn more about you. That's all." He drummed his fingers on the table. "Can I see it?"

They really did still know so little about one another. Ienzo knew almost nothing about Demyx's past, though to be fair Demyx didn't remember much either. "It looks like the other one. But, I suppose, if it will sate your curiosity." He pulled aside his bangs.

"...You have a nice face," Demyx said, with some hesitation.

He blushed. "...Thank you. I-I don't have any strong feelings about it," he said, with a laugh.

"So what do you want to do today?" Demyx asked.

"I'm not so sure. It might be nice to get outside. I hear the weather is good." Now that he was feeling physically more stable, it would be good to get some air.

"You hear things, but you don't know." Demyx sighed. "You have so got to get out more."

"Precisely why I suggested it," Ienzo said.

They left the cold, damp castle and stepped out into the sunlight. The warmth of it was welcome. The fall breeze was crisp and sweet and not too cold.

"The light feels good," Ienzo said. "I feel as though I've lived here, but I haven't been a part of it." Radiant Garden was where everything had started, and where he'd be able to do the most good. Where else would he go? He felt none of the frenetic need to travel and escape that had plagued his teenage years.

"Yeah. Me too."

They walked through town, holding hands. This was a silent step in their relationship, but one nonetheless. It felt very nearly normal, to shop together and murmur inane comments about the state of merchants' wares. Ienzo knew he had been living too macroscopically. He had to learn balance. But how? He'd lived his entire life in a state of overwork and psychological deterioration, and it had badly stunted any small amount of real emotional maturity he would've gained as a human. Reason could only partially salve that.

Demyx bought some seeds and they shared the snack as they took their walk. He looked at the change in his hand. "I'm going to have to get a job. I'm almost out of money."

"Now that I'd like to see," Ienzo said.

"What happened to the ambition you saw in me?"

"It doesn't necessarily relate to making a wage."

"Cool. Great. Now even you don't believe in me."

Ienzo rolled his eyes. "Could always ask to make you my research assistant."

"Yeah, like that'd go over well." Demyx snorted.

Ienzo laughed. "You'd be miserable. You'd quit within the hour."

"Well-with you it might not be so bad."

"No, I'd find you much too distracting. In multiple ways."

Demyx squeezed his hand.

"Besides, your talents lie elsewhere."

They sat on a bench and fed the birds. "...I don't know what will happen," Demyx said, scattering a handful to the birds.

"In the future? Or in general?" It was strange to think that there were some sixty years left in their natural lives. All his plotting hadn't taken into account living that long. Ienzo had seen himself as a pawn, a tool, but not a person with meaning and value.

"Both," he said. "I mean, I thought I would know, once I became human. But I feel pretty aimless. Haven't you thought about what will happen after Sora? Will you keep doing experiments?"

That threw him. "I have not… put much thought in it," Ienzo said. "Yes, maybe I would research something else? But I haven't the slightest idea what it would be. Part of me thought I would never make it this far. But here I am. And here you are. And my life has taken turns I never thought possible. I… I don't know." His hands fluttered at his throat. "This existence scares me."

"Me too. So much."

"I could spend my whole life thinking about what it means to be human after all that and still be wrong." He hesitated. "I know it's early yet. But I hope that you might be perhaps involved in some way." The quiet, casual intimacy of the moment soothed him. Ienzo looked at him, seeing him almost with new eyes. This was more than want, it was a comfort. Demyx grounded him and made him see what was important. He was too blunt not to.

Was this, he realized in a flash, what it meant to be in love?

Demyx kissed him. It was a sort of kiss built on a promise. But they were in public, and things could only go so far before it was inappropriate. The weight of all these realizations had sapped his energy, though it was a good type of exhaustion for once. "Shall we head back?" Ienzo asked. "I'm feeling a little tired now."

Demyx jerked, like he was coming out of a dream. "Yeah. Of course."

Ienzo followed him through a shortcut which doubled-back through an old residential district. The Restoration Committee hadn't yet spread its reach this far, mostly because there wasn't enough of a population to need the extra housing. The people who hadn't been killed or turned into Heartless remained mostly displaced, happy with their lives in Traverse Town or elsewhere. Nine years was a long time to be gone.

Ienzo hadn't come through this part of town in many years. There was still rubble in places, old char and rot from fires.

Demyx shuddered. "This place gives me the creeps."

"I don't like it either," Ienzo said. "Let's hurry. Might be Heartless about."

They picked up their pace for a moment, heading through labyrinthine streets towards the castle. At first Ienzo thought his deja vu was misplaced, but the farther in they went, the more he was convinced he recognized the twists and turns of the streets, through a dull veil of memory. He paused, trying to remember more clearly.

"What's up?" Demyx asked.

His memory moved slowly, lacked clarity, as only the ones from his early youth did. It wasn't-it couldn't be- "This place feels… familiar." He approached the door to one of the homes and brushed the dirt off the nameplate, only to see his very own surname staring back at him.

This did not feel like shock or pain; he felt like he was watching himself in a film. He reached for the aging door.

"You know it?" Demyx asked.

Speaking was hard. "This used to be my home. This is the first time I've come out to this part of town in many years."

"You mean… with your parents?"

Ienzo went inside. He did not believe in fate. But yet why was it they stumbled upon this place when he was just beginning to forgive himself? There had to be meaning in it.

The home was smaller than he remembered, the ceiling lower, a standard three bedroom. The memories trickled back gently. The third bedroom had been his parents' study. He could recall sitting on his father's knee as he worked. He studied mostly-astronomy, that was it.

And yet.

All the nice things his parents had collected had been broken or stolen in the years since. Glass, from windows and vases and various knick-knacks, littered the floor. The plaster walls had been broken open. "Someone must have been after the copper piping," Demyx muttered. "Assholes."

A peculiar sensation tightened around his throat. The memories were so weak and yet also so potent, in this dark dusty room. Here he'd been safe, innocent, loved. If not for that day he might've grown up here. The world might not've fallen. Ienzo tasted dust on his tongue; he was breathing quickly, shallowly.

A callused hand tugged on his. "We really should go." Ienzo pulled away.

There was something hidden in the glass and dirt. He knelt, picking carefully so as to not cut himself. It was an old photo, the colors having degraded over time. He saw himself. Mother. Father.

"Do you want to take that with you?" Demyx asked. "We can frame it. Make a memorial for them."

Demyx's words barely reached him. "I thought I would feel something."

"What?"

The dust coated his mouth. "Demyx, I don't feel anything."

He crouched beside Ienzo. "You know how when you're about to cry or have a panic attack and everything is numb? I think that's how you feel."

"I'm a monster." He spoke without meaning to. This was the opposite of going nonverbal.

"That's not true. Don't you ever say that about yourself."

Ienzo could not believe the assuredness with which he spoke. Demyx's opinion of him was clouded by emotions, and hormones. He could not possibly be right. The air in the room grew colder, smokier.

"Ienzo, we have to go now," Demyx said, tugging his arm a little more forcefully.

"If they knew what I was responsible for-"

"You need to calm down. There are Heartless and they're reacting to you."

"...then they'd wish I'd never been born." It was only with a rich sense of irony that his parents had been killed by Unversed and not Heartless. The memory spun clearly. He'd been very small, five years old, holding both of their hands. They'd gone to meet Ansem the Wise. Mother and Father discussed their research, but then Ansem had spoke to him, gave him a puzzle toy to solve.

"He's a very precocious boy," Ansem had said, "It takes my adult apprentices far longer to solve this."

And then the voice, soft and startling, Mother smiling. "Ienzo loves puzzles. He's very good at them."

"With a proper education he'll go very far."

"That's part of why we want to be apprentices," Father said. "We want him to have a good future. All of your initiatives have brought this world an unprecedented amount of progress. We think we can help build the type of world he would thrive in."

They left. Past the castle gates. Into the square. Strung between his parents, holding their hands in each of his.

Blue creatures. Being surrounded. Father trying to distract them, Mother scooping him up and trying to run, only for her way to be blocked by more monsters. Getting knocked down, a hard scratch across his shoulder, being heaved up in the air (why did he feel it twice?) and fighting against the arms that held him with all of his strength.

Someone said his name-was it Father? He saw them, their bodies, bloody and dismembered, and he screamed.

Falling onto the hard street. Sky above. Sitting up. Curling up. Can't move. Doorway, Heartless (Heartless?). Demyx. Touching his shoulder. Pulling Ienzo into his arms as he came back into the present.

He wasn't sure how long it took to come fully back to his senses. The memory faded, gradually. He shook uncontrollably and his chest ached. Demyx kissed his forehead. "You ready to stand?" he asked. "It's going to be dark soon. I don't trust that nest."

Ienzo could not speak. He didn't trust his own strength and had to be helped up. He wrapped his arms around himself tightly. It didn't seem to do any good.

Demyx, again- "I'm sorry I had to force you like that. I just didn't want them to attack you. Especially when you were so vulnerable. You get that, right?"

His shoulders were aching. Probably later they would be bruised. He turned back towards the road, putting one foot in front of the other seemingly forever until he was back in his own room. He shed his dusty clothing, put on something clean. Saw his own adult face in the mirror.

My name is Ienzo. I am twenty years old. When I was child my parents were killed and I was adopted. Telling himself his history like it was a story seemed to help. I was educated. I was manipulated into doing experiments. They hurt people. It is not my fault.

Wasn't it?

The room around him seemed claustrophobic. Here he was behind closed doors, alone, and he could not reason away the trauma.

He needed Demyx, his voice, his arms around him. But Demyx was too good for him after all he did. Ienzo was disgusting, he was-

He had to silence this noise.

It had gotten dark. He crossed down the hallway, over to Demyx's bedroom and cracked open the door. He was fast asleep, curled up tightly. Ienzo approached him. Even to just be near him might be enough.

Demyx was mumbling unintelligibly, but even within this speech Ienzo could hear pain. Some words he could understand. "Don't do this. Don't do this. Please don't-"

Ienzo shook him. A storm howled outside, rain battering against the window. Demyx stirred weakly. "You were having a nightmare."

He blinked slowly. "...Are you okay? What are you doing here?"

"I can't sleep. And I know that if I'm alone I'll only torment myself."

Demyx lifted the covers. "Come here." He shifted slightly, to give Ienzo space, but that was not what he needed. He rested against him, his head against his chest. He could hear Demyx's heart rate, high and frightened. "Your heart's still racing. What were you dreaming about?"

"I already forgot," he said.

Ienzo listened to the rain. What had Demyx gleaned from when he'd blacked out? "I thought I could handle it on my own," Ienzo said. "But I can't. Doesn't that make me weak?"

"No. Not at all."

"I'm sorry I hit you."

"You were having a flashback. You weren't in control of yourself. Do you want to talk about it?"

That was absolutely what it had been. "No."

"Alright. That's alright."

Demyx stroked his hair. Ienzo breathed for a while and listened to the rain. This spell, whatever it was, seemed to be breaking, and he found himself relaxing against him. Just to not be alone was enough.

"Will you stay?" Demyx asked him.

"Yes."

Despite himself, he slept.

Ienzo woke in the grayness of dawn. Sleep had calmed him, taking him back to a place where he was in control.

They'd spent the night together.

He'd wished it had happened under better circumstances. It could've been sweeter, meant something. And yet as it was he'd spent all his time awake trying to pull the pieces together. The thick sheet of rain outside suited his mood. "What a gloomy morning," he mumbled. Demyx was already awake, tracing patterns on Ienzo's spine.

"You sleep okay?" he asked.

"Surprisingly, yes. You make a good pillow."

"Glad to hear it."

"I'm still so very tired."

"It's the weather. And yesterday was a long day."

"Very, very long." Ienzo sighed. "I don't think I'd mind if we stayed here for a while."

"See? You're getting the hang of it."

"I've always loved the sound of the rain. Especially in the spring. It's so cleansing. It makes me want to curl up with a cup of tea. Read something halfway decent. I can't remember the last time I read a novel for the pleasure of it." He yawned. "Maybe later."

"Maybe."

He propped himself up on an elbow. "I'm glad you're here," Ienzo said. "I can only imagine how… difficult this experience would be otherwise." It all honestly, it would scarcely be survivable without destroying him first.

This surprised him. "I… I'm glad I'm here too."

Ienzo kissed him. Even after seeing all that, their relationship was still whole. If he wanted to go forward, he had to truly learn to let people into his life. He had to be vulnerable in order to heal; otherwise it was all just scar tissue.

The kiss deepened. A warmth and a lightness crept through him and gave him stability. Demyx pulled his hands through his hair and kissed the scars inflicted by the replica. Each sensation was brighter than the last. He no longer felt so brittle, he felt strong. Ienzo tucked his legs around Demyx's hips and immediately felt the reaction; it thrilled him and put him somewhere beyond fear. Ienzo slipped his hands under his shirt, up along his sides, catching the edges of scars as he slipped off Demyx's shirt, only to have his own removed.

For several moments Ienzo rested against him, revelling in the sensation of skin against skin, tracing the many scars that had been inflicted on Demyx. He longed to kiss them, to know if it felt half as good as when Demyx kissed his own scars. Nervousness paralyzed his previous bravado. "I don't know how to do this," he said.

Demyx considered this. His eyes seemed a little watery, and he took a deep breath. "It's okay. I mean. Are you sure you want to try something? We just talked about this two days ago."

"Yes. Are you?"

He thought about this and nodded. "Yeah. I guess I kind of am."

Ienzo laughed. He felt a weird and heady combination of happiness and nerves.

He touched Ienzo's cheek. When he spoke, his voice was high and a little strained. "I think… maybe it would be easier if we switched spots? Just because you're starting from scratch, here."

"What, are you an expert? You know I learn fast."

Demyx kissed him. For several moments they were lost in that, and he came to his senses somewhat. "You're right though. For now." It was a little awkward, and not very spontaneous, to shift places. He was struck with the cold consciousness of what he was doing. It seemed simultaneously familiar and yet not, like half-remembered fragments of a dream.

He was looking at Ienzo with such softness. "You can relax, okay?" he said. "Do whatever feels natural to you."

Ienzo helped him take off his thin cotton pants and then reached for Demyx's underwear.

"Don't worry about me," Demyx said quickly.

"I want to." Such a short word, but such a potent one.

Between the gray morning and the tangle of blankets it was hard to see his body. To be naked in front of someone else was odd, and for a moment he felt exposed. Demyx kissed him. Ienzo felt the slight scratch of his calluses as he touched him, exploring him slowly. Everything was so intense that Ienzo could barely reciprocate, clinging weakly.

Demyx's hand slid between his legs. Ienzo gasped. This was so much more than he ever thought it would be, and he could not think.

Almost tentatively, Demyx stroked him a few times. "Is that good?"

Ienzo kissed him. His body was not such a terrible thing to carry around after all. There was something small and tight in the pit of his stomach, urgent and eager, and Ienzo pressed harder against him. Thinking was difficult, muddy, and the silence of the noise and anxiety was almost more pleasurable than the actual act. Demyx kept touching him, a little less gently. The tension within him tightened until it was almost unbearable, and he couldn't really understand it. "I feel-" What did he feel?

"Are you going to come? It's okay. Let it happen."

Was that what this was? The heady ache of tension dissolved and a sweet shock of endorphins flooded him. With it, rational thought came back, though woozily, with an unknown sort of clarity.

"Are you okay?" Demyx asked.

He nodded. He was still trying to put together what exactly had happened, but for once being in pieces was not so scary. "I'm a little dizzy."

"Just relax."

He did so, found it fairly easy. Demyx settled next to him on the bed, observing him closely. When had he become so considerate? What had happened to crass, uncaring days? Ienzo took his hand and held it. Demyx pulled the sheet more tightly over himself and Ienzo could just barely see the outline of his-

"You're still-" he began.

"I'll live," Demyx said quickly.

"It doesn't seem fair." He lay on his side. "If you want some privacy, I can step out."

"Really, Ienzo. I'll be okay."

"...Okay."

Demyx lay down next to him, as much as the small bed would allow.

Things were becoming still clearer. It seemed only right to him that this was the first new thing he'd experienced while human. He couldn't imagine what it might have been like otherwise; the intersection between the physical and emotional was too strong. "...So this is what people are always obsessing about," he said. "I finally have some insight."

"Well-I mean, there are other things people do."

"No. When people write of longing, is this what people are seeking?"

"You're a scientist. You can say it. "Orgasm." You came on my thigh."

Ienzo wrinkled his nose. "I suppose I did." To realize it was odd. Now that the endorphins were starting to fade, he began to notice the slight stickiness between his legs, the sweat.

"Did it not live up to your expectations?" Demyx teased. Still, there was a glint in his eye that suggested he wasn't joking.

"I didn't have any expectations," he admitted. "Only what I've heard."

Demyx was so shocked he nearly sat up. "You mean you never- ever-"

Ienzo shrugged. "My life has been peculiar."

"I can't believe this. You've never masturbated? You've never come in your sleep?"

"Believe it or not. These are simply feelings I've never had to act on. Consciously or not. Chalk it up to an emotionless puberty."

"Holy shit. I don't know if I should feel honored, or if I've completely corrupted you."

Ienzo laughed. "I don't feel corrupted. And I should know. No. I feel… clean, if that makes sense. Despite the evidence otherwise." Perhaps soon he would be dying to take a bath, but for now this was comfortable. "And yet. If you'd have told me last year that this would have happened, I'd have gone positively feral," Ienzo said. "This life is so strange."

"The strangest," Demyx agreed.