XII.

Clarity and panic mixed together in a toxic slurry, undermining his previous sense of stability. "It's more or less hopeless," Ienzo said. "Gummi ships can travel between worlds. Dark corridors can travel between types of matter. We've even learned so much about time travel. But no amount of science or bonds between hearts can shatter the border of reality. To even attempt to do so would threaten to pervert all of this World again for one life. I cannot do that. I won't do that. But it feels like I'm killing him, Demyx." He looked at his trembling hands. "It feels like it's my fault."

"I'm sure if Sora knew he'd tell you it isn't. Isn't that his whole thing? Saving the world? He'd understand." His expression was gentle, but fearful.

Ienzo couldn't breathe. He'd never felt so helpless, so like he was trapped.

That wasn't true.

Getting turned into a Nobody. Getting strangled by the replica. And now. As hard as he tried to help, things only seemed to ever get worse. Ienzo couldn't possibly try to save Sora, not when there was so much else at stake. But yet…

Demyx drew him into his arms and held him for a long time. Panic broke over Ienzo in uneven waves. His mind spiraled in circles. There had to be something he could do, anything, but nothing he came up with had any substance.

The itch to go look through his research was the only thing holding him back from a complete break. So many people in his life were just gone, or forever altered. He could not let this go. Which was why, when Demyx began to nod off, Ienzo didn't wake him. He let him sleep deeply and stood up.

"What?" Demyx asked sleepily. "Where you going?"

"...The washroom. Go back to sleep." He kissed him gently.

Ienzo got dressed, cleaned himself up, and went down to the lab.

He dug through the research with a agitated fervor. He had hardly ever felt so desperate when performing research, or so helpless. There had to be something in Ansem's files about the worldlines, anything, anything that could help him do this with a clear conscience-

"...So you had to go to the bathroom," Demyx said tiredly.

Ienzo jumped, but then he sighed resignedly. "You wouldn't have let me go."

"You're right. I wouldn't've."

"I've… nothing to say in my own defense."

"What happened to "I cannot, I won't"?" His arms were crossed tightly, the knuckles white.

"I was hoping there was some way compatible with this world-" He trailed off.

"And that sort of thinking becomes "well there isn't, but. ""

"What would you know about such things?" Ienzo asked sourly. Demyx had never had to make such choices.

A pink flush stained his cheeks. "Um, because I'm not an idiot? Because I've heard all those stories about the apprentices and their ambition?"

"My ambition. I'm an apprentice."

"Yeah, and I've also seen you completely lose your mind with guilt because of well-intentioned research gone wrong!"

"Would you feel this passionately if it were not Sora?" Ienzo asked softly. He heard Zexion creep into his voice. "If it were say, someone else entirely that needed saving?"

His face contorted. "Excuse me? "

Ienzo could not stop it. The bitterness was easier to deal with than the helplessness. "You've never hesitated to make your ambivalence for him known."

"Uh, yeah, because he murdered me. Something I still have nightmares about, by the way." He shook his head. "I don't want this to destroy you again. Ienzo, please. If not for you, then… for me." He reached out, almost as if to take Ienzo's hand, but didn't touch him.

The dichotomy of his two selves crashed, and he could not fight it. He wanted to go back. Needed to. How could he? How could he just let suffering happen when he already had before? Ienzo could not look at him. He didn't deserve Demyx. He was too good for Ienzo. Why couldn't Demyx see he was a lost cause?

"Alright. Fine. I see how it is." The anger, thin and quiet, did not quite mask the pain in his eyes.

"You don't understand."

"No, I guess I don't. Whatever, Ienzo."

Ienzo could not even watch him walk away. For several moments he read, but he couldn't take in any of the words. He sat on the cold floor and curled up.

Demyx was right; this would destroy him. It was already eating away at him, bringing out that sour, all-too-explored part of himself. It was so easy to justify violating nature when lives were at stake. From a purely scientific standpoint, his own mental state had become a conflict of interest.

Ienzo took out the gummiphone, and dialed. Ansem picked up after two rings.

"Ienzo? Is everything alright?"

"No." He couldn't mask his voice if he tried. He explained the situation, every last bit of it, all the way down to the fight. "Master, I can't do this."

A pause. "No, Ienzo. You cannot."

"I can no longer tell if I'm saving him or hurting him intervening this way. I would be messing even more with this world."

"This is not your responsibility," Ansem said. "And it's not about a conflict of interest."

"But isn't it my fault if I can do something, and I choose not to? Aren't I placing my life over his?"

"That's what it means to be a researcher," Ansem said. "Your life is full of hard choices, and we're hardly ever qualified to make them. But, believe it or not, your self-awareness is your saving grace. Sora knows what he's doing. All you've got to do is trust him. That boy will find his own way back. I'm sure of it."

He dried his eyes.

"I think perhaps you should apologize," Ansem said softly. "As soon as you're calm enough. It would not do to throw away a love like that. You're growing, Ienzo. And I do believe he's what's broken Xehanort's posthumous control over you."

"Yes," he said.

"And if it soothes your conscience, I will see what I can do. You have to trust in the ways of fate."

"I'll try," he said, and hung up.

Ienzo stood. His body seemed to weigh twice as much, and his self-esteem was truly gutted. He hoped he could find Demyx quickly, and more than that, that Ienzo was worth forgiveness. He walked from the lab, holding onto the gummiphone like a lifeline. The blasted thing started to ring for the second time that day, and Ienzo regretted ever getting one. It was just the Restoration Committee. He let it ring. He'd deal with it later.

And then they called again. And again. Before he could pick up the phone, he saw Even, his green eyes on fire. "There you are. Why haven't you answered your phone?"

"Did you call me?"

"Perhaps you do not remember, but your phone is set up to forward calls to mine if marked urgent."

That had been a precaution; there hadn't been an actual emergency. Hadn't there? "Whatever is the matter?" Ienzo asked cautiously.

Even hesitated. It was the slight pause that reignited Ienzo's anxiety. "It's Demyx."

"What about him?" Scenarios flitted through his mind, each worse than the last. Had he left this world somehow? Fallen back in with the darkness?

"He's been injured. Mortally."

He felt like he was being choked again.

"Yuffie was on patrol in the area and found him after he'd been attacked by Heartless. He's in Aerith's care now, but admittedly, the situation looks grim." He shook his head. "I wanted nothing more than to go down there and see it myself, but really, what could I do?"

"So you mean he's-" Ienzo could not say the word.

"We don't know yet. What do you know of this woman's abilities?"

Ienzo shook his head. He'd gone silent.

"You poor boy," Even said. He hugged Ienzo. The touch was strange, but not awful, in the moment. Even was bony and smelled like bleach. "I worry, too. I know how much he means to you."

Of course this would happen, after Ienzo had said such awful things to him.

"Come," Even said. "You mustn't wait through this alone."

Hours passed. Ienzo's stomach and chest were in painful knots, and he could barely breathe. He felt as though he were slightly outside of himself. Guilt gnawed at him, nearly made him sick. He lay curled on the small sofa in Even's quarters, which were relatively stark and barren compared to his lab. His cheek rested against the faded green cloth. Even took a blanket and draped it over him.

"Have you any news?" Ansem asked. He sounded out of breath. "I heard a few moments ago. I was away from the phone."

"Oh good, you're here," Even said. His voice dripped with sarcasm. "Whatever would we do."

"What happened?"

"The usual. Heartless. Only he had no means to defend himself. He did not fall to darkness, but was wounded critically. That's all we know."

"The irony of it," Ansem said bitterly. "To survive all that, and to get wounded by shadows."

"So things go," Even mumbled.

Ansem crouched in front of Ienzo. Patted his knee. Ienzo flinched. "Have hope," was all he said. "I'll get you two some tea."

At his back, Even all but snarled, "The man can take better care of a houseplant than a child."

Ienzo raised an eyebrow. Even, remembering well how to read Ienzo's expressions during such such silences, responded appropriately.

"Oh, come off it. I've earned a few good digs at Master. He still does not understand people. As hard as he tries. It's a miracle you came out as civilized as you did." He sniffed. "Perhaps there is yet some bitterness in my new heart."

The phone rang. Ienzo's heart seemed to stop. Even answered.

"Yes?"

A long, agonizing pause. Even's face was hard to read.

"Quite. Quite. I see. At least there's that."

Ienzo stiffened, bracing himself for bad news.

"Thank you. You're a kind girl." Even hung up. "He's stable. She and that wizard friend of hers are going to bring him here."

Ienzo did not quite feel relief. "Stable" meant a lot of things, and not necessarily all of them were good.

"If Demyx is anything, he's resilient," Even said. "I have a feeling he'll be around to annoy us for a long time yet."

Demyx didn't look good.

Now that they had him back at the castle, Even did his own exam. Aside from a red mark that would surely become a nasty scar, the wound was gone. Aerith had replaced most of the blood he'd lost, and his skin was sallow.

"So long as you don't wake him, he'll recover," Aerith said. She looked exhausted. "When you take a person back from the brink of death, you have to let them sleep. But he should be okay. He's got a will to live like I've never seen. Broke through several layers of sedation like it was nothing."

"That's what I've been saying," Even said. "Poor Ienzo has been having conniptions."

"Are you two close?" Aerith asked.

"We're…" His voice was scratchy from hours of disuse. "We're partners." The wording of it was awkward to him. "Lovers" was much too intimate for public, "boyfriends" far too juvenile.

She nodded. "I'm sure this has been a harrowing experience. But we caught it in time. It's lucky the Heartless didn't want his heart."

"...Lucky," he said.

"Thank you for everything you've done," Even said.

"Of course. I'm happy to help. Things have been so peaceful that this is the first major injury case I've seen in several weeks." She sighed. "These things come and go in waves. Hopefully they don't get much worse. I'll come back tomorrow to check on him. Call me if you need to."

"I shall. There was one thing left I wanted to discuss-" Even and Aerith left, leaving Ienzo alone with him. It had grown dark. Ienzo took the plant from its place on the dresser and put it on the windowsill. At least he'd have something pretty near him. He took Demyx's hand.

More time passed. Nothing changed. He waited. Ienzo was no longer so good at being patient. Really if Demyx was just sleeping he didn't need to remain nearby, but he didn't move. He found himself nodding off slightly in the chair next to the bed. He hadn't slept in two days, and the exhaustion was almost too potent to exist. Every time he felt himself drift he shook himself awake.

During one of these sleepy waves, he felt a hand squeeze his.

"Demyx? Demyx, oh thank goodness." Was it normal for him to wake up so quickly? Shouldn't Ienzo feel worried?

His eyes fluttered and he blinked hard. "Ienzo?"

"I thought I'd lost you," he said. "All those awful things I said… I'm so sorry." His eyes were watering with tired, guilty tears.

"...What…" His eyes rolled a bit, likely from whatever medication he'd been given.

"You're lucky. Yuffie was on patrol in the area and found you. Aerith saved your life. That wound would've killed you. It nearly did kill you." He held Demyx's hand to his face. "I am so… foolish."

"No." He shook his head slowly, druggedly.

"Even weak and drugged you're trying to comfort me. I truly… do not deserve you." Ienzo kissed his hand. "Get some rest."

He nodded and let his eyes fall shut.

Ienzo walked back towards his own bedroom and for a while drifted somewhere near, but not quite, sleep. All his days lately had been so long, so strung through with intense emotion. Would things ever stabilize? He wondered. Or would it always be so up and down?

He did sleep, though fitfully. When he woke he went to check on Demyx, only to see him talking to Aerith through the crack in the door. She smiled and left, only to jump slightly when she saw Ienzo.

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop," he said. "I was merely checking in."

"He's all right," she said. "Healed very quickly, even as these things go. I'm guessing he wasn't ready to leave you."

Ienzo bit his lip. "We've only just gotten our humanity back. It would be a shame to lose it so soon."

"I agree," she said. "I hope both of you take it easy. Maybe we'll see you soon."

"Maybe," he said. Now that Demyx was conscious, and off the painkillers, Ienzo was feeling nervous. He'd made a mistake, and a big one. He made himself smile and pushed open the door. "Aerith said you've healed beautifully," he said in an artificially bright voice. "Now it's your turn to take some time to recover." He sat down in the chair next to the bed. "I've been so worried. We all have. I'm truly sorry."

Demyx was still looking pale, but otherwise healthy. His green eyes were sad. "You hurt me," he said. "You made me feel like all of this meant nothing to you."

Ienzo sat down next to him. "...I know. I came to my senses not minutes after you left. But by then… you'd already been injured." He sighed. "More than anything this situation made me realize that I must acknowledge when things are out of my hands. Pushing myself to fix the impossible is not only dangerous for me, but for those I love. I assure you, Demyx, I did not mean to make you feel that way. I really know so little when it comes to dealing with these complex, mature emotions." So mature, and yet so incapable.

Demyx inhaled sharply, a wheezy sound. "You love me?"

How did he not know? "Of course I do. I… I thought you were aware of that."

Demyx shook his head. "I love you too." Demyx touched his chest, looking startled. His face contorted in pain.

Ienzo grabbed his shoulders. Fear washed over him. "Demyx? What is it?"

He made a choked noise and fell forward into Ienzo's arms. Ienzo could barely contain the panic. Was something wrong with the wound? What could it be? But just as suddenly, Demyx seemed to recover. He held a hand to his heart.

"I think…" He smiled. "I think I'm whole."

Ienzo's eyebrows shot up, and then he put a hand to his face. Relief blotted out the worst of the anxiety. "How silly of me not to realize. To see and be seen, or love and be loved… You must have needed to hear it out loud for your heart to be fully complete."

Demyx hugged him.

Ienzo laughed. "Welcome to the human race."