XIII.

Several days passed. Ienzo remained near Demyx. The air felt as though it had been cleared, though guilt lingered. He'd been forgiven-again-for another silly mistake. He needed to do better, be better, especially as their relationship only deepened. There was no going back at this point. He couldn't imagine it.

Winter came. The cold was bracing, more intense than he remembered, and even in layers of sweaters Ienzo shivered. To try and stay warm, they took walks. Talked about silly and ultimately meaningless things. Demyx was recovering beautifully, but something felt slightly… off, something that Ienzo could not quite verbalize. There was a simultaneous emptiness and fullness to his gaze. Now that he was completely human, was he regaining his memories? But wouldn't he have felt that prudent to mention to Ienzo? He didn't seem quite depressed, or at least wasn't exhibiting any of the textbook signs. In fact, he seemed more cheerful than normal, smiling often, cracking wry jokes that lacked humor. Was it a ruse masking deeper pain? At what point should Ienzo try and intervene?

The potency of their acknowledged feelings had changed things. He tried to mentally prepare himself for newer milestones in their relationship, physical or emotional. He was becoming used to the sense of anticipation mixed with nerves; it was more bearable than the rest of his anxiety. One of these wintery days, Ienzo went on an errand, alone, with the guise of purchasing medical supplies for Even. The shopkeeper did not blink when he asked for the lubricant. Ienzo hid it in the bag of bandages and bottles. Returning home, he buried it in his bedside drawer and decided not to think about it until absolutely necessary. Better to be overprepared than not.

One afternoon, it started to snow as they relaxed in the library. It had been ages since Ienzo had seen real snow. He listened to the luscious silence of it, becoming aware of time passing. This was home, and there was no leaving it. To know that he'd plant his roots here was simultaneously soothing and wrenching. He'd never had that before, through childhood and adolescence. Rediscovering these concepts of home and family ached a little, but it was a good pain. A growing pain.

"I haven't seen snow here in years," Ienzo said.

"It's pretty," Demyx said.

"...Pretty," Ienzo echoed. His eyes caught the curve of Demyx's jaw.

"Do you want to go outside?"

"I think I rather would."

Bundled in layers, they stood outside the castle gates. Already the snow was falling thickly, blanketing everything in a silent wall of white. He wanted to lay down in the snow and watch it all fall. To let it cover him. That might be soothing.

Cold wetness hit him in the face. He wiped it off and turned, only to see Demyx with another snowball in hand. "You do realize this means war, right?"

He couldn't ever remember playing like this. Maybe when he was very young. Aeleus and Dilan had taken him out in the snow a few times, but he'd caught the flu and Ansem discouraged it afterwards. He found himself enjoying it immensely and was proud when he got more hits on Demyx than he did on Ienzo. In the middle of this playfight, Aeleus had come out to start shoveling, and he watched them with a small smile.

"For a scrawny scientist, you have a good arm," Demyx muttered. His next shot went wide and hit Aeleus square in the back of the neck.

"Run!" Ienzo screamed. Aeleus's large hands were perfect for hitting them both with snowballs at the same time.

"If we team up we can take him," Demyx insisted.

"Believe me, we can't," Ienzo said. "He is absolutely ruthless."

Now that he was no longer a child, Aeleus did not hold back, and pelted them until they were both soaked. "We surrender!" Demyx cried. Aeleus nodded, and then went back to spreading salt like nothing had happened. "Ugh, I'm soaked."

"I'm freezing," Ienzo said. "Let's call it a draw."

Armed with dry clothes and tea, they sat in front of the fireplace and tried to get warm. Demyx's arm was around him and Ienzo allowed himself to relax fully against him. This was what humanity was supposed to feel like, comforting and pleasant and natural. But Demyx didn't relax back.

"Are you still cold?" Ienzo asked. "You're tense."

"I have to tell you something," he said. "But I'm not… I'm not ready. I keep trying and trying."

"Is it something about your past?" Ienzo asked.

Demyx nodded.

He considered this. "Is it something bad you've done?"

He hesitated, and shook his head.

Ienzo thought about what it would feel like to verbalize his own experiences. It would be difficult, almost impossible, to even scratch the surface. "Take your time," Ienzo said. "Whatever it is can wait until you're ready."

"Are you… are you sure?"

"Of course I am." Were they in a rush? Anyway, he wasn't necessarily entitled to know everything about him. As long as there were no major, threatening lies, what did it matter? The past could reveal itself at a natural pace.

"...Thank you."

Ienzo kissed him. This had been a good day, a normal day. He could feel something like happiness. He let himself be kissed, let the ever-present guilt melt away into a background hum. He felt as though he were coming undone. He pulled away gently and touched Demyx's cheek. "I do love you. I realize I didn't quite say it."

He blushed. "You said it enough."

He could feel his own face burning. "I know that. I wanted to... to say it again. Perhaps if I'm articulate about my feelings I can understand them."

"Is it helping?" Demyx asked.

He softened a little. He realized that emotion and reason did not quite exist on a spectrum; trying to see them as such was harmful, even reductive. "Not quite. Not even close."

Demyx kissed him first this time, quite tenderly. It was getting easier for Ienzo to open up like this, to let vulnerability bleed off of him. He brought his hands up through Demyx's hair. He heard Demyx whisper that he loved him and Ienzo brought him still closer. Longing flooded him. He draped a leg around Demyx's waist, wanting an unfamiliar sort of closeness.

This thought broke his concentration somewhat, and he pulled away, breathless. "I…"

"What?" he asked.

How did he say it? Did it need to be said? Surely he had to at the very least ask. "I want…" The words died in his throat. He tried again. "I feel like I…"

Demyx also looked away. "...Do you want to go back to your room?" he offered.

"Yes."

The hallways were empty. Ienzo found himself grateful that there was nobody else around. He was almost a little too aware of what he was doing, what he was about to do. This shouldn't feel awkward. But yet it did. They shut the door behind them. Ienzo took his hand and led him over to the bed, but remained standing there, shaking a little.

"Are you okay?" Demyx asked.

"I feel... shy," he whispered. "Isn't that strange?"

"I do too." He wrapped his arms around Ienzo and pulled him close, and for a moment he just rested against Demyx's shoulder. His heart was racing, but so was Demyx's. After a long moment of this, Ienzo looked up. Demyx kissed him with the same soft hesitance as before. His hands slid down Ienzo's back, bringing with it an onslaught of want. Ienzo slipped his hands under Demyx's shirt and eased it off, hearing something like a gasp. This encouraged him and eased the nervousness somewhat. Demyx took off his sweater. Ienzo pulled him closer and tried to ease down onto the bed, but overbalanced, and they both ended up falling gracelessly onto the mattress.

Demyx laughed a little. "You're not exactly graceful."

He couldn't help but laugh a little too. "You compromise me."

"It's my natural charm."

Another rush of nerves came over him, almost paralyzing him. He was ready, he was sure of it; but he should say something, right? Seek consent, or give it? Or let things run their course naturally?

Demyx seemed to notice this struggle. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. That is to say..." He bit his lip. "Do you... recall, the first time we were at all intimate, and I asked you... I asked you if it was painful." His voice was barely audible.

He blushed. "...Yeah."

"How so?"

He shifted his weight a little. When he spoke, he couldn't quite look Ienzo in the eye. "It's not... terrible. Not great, though. But it gets… better."

Ienzo couldn't stop his hands from shaking. He had to spit it out. "Would you want to… would you want to try that?"

He exhaled sharply, blushing even harder. "Yeah. Are you sure you're ready? It's a big step."

"You make me feel safe," he said simply. "I want to... experience everything."

He kissed Ienzo. Ienzo struggled to remove his own slacks and underwear, and to deal with Demyx's too. The way they were tangled didn't make it easy, but he managed it. "Wait," Demyx said.

His breath caught.

Demyx bit his lip. "We kind of need lube. I mean. I'm not, like, huge, or anything, but you can't just..."

"I know. I've… been prepared." He reached into the drawer for the bottle and set it down. "Are you ready?"

He laughed wryly. "Yes. But I... I... you drive me crazy."

"Be glad it isn't literal," he said, and kissed him.

Something like this wasn't quick, and it took more thinking than it should. Demyx stroked him a few times, which helped him get his mind off the unknown. "Can you shift forward a little?" he asked Ienzo. "Your hips, so I can-" He was nervous too, and this was a comfort.

He listened, letting his knees fall open. Demyx's eyes were full of warmth. "You're so beautiful."

He snorted a little. "You flatter me."

Demyx took the lube and spread it across his fingers. Ienzo was somewhat relieved. He'd been preparing himself for all of it at once. "This first. Try to relax."

He tried to listen, but he never consciously thought about these muscles. There was a moment where Demyx seemed to struggle to gather himself. Ienzo felt him fumbling down there, and then a lot of pressure.

"Does that hurt?"

He tried to relax, having unconsciously clenched his fists. "Not quite pain. It's unexpected." After a moment, the pressure subsided a bit, only to increase when another finger slid into him, with a sharp prickling sensation. Ienzo gripped his upper arm. "That does hurt a little."

"Okay. Okay. Too dry, or-?"

"I think I need to adjust." He shut his eyes for a moment, trying hard to relax, even as self-consciousness and nerves threatened. Demyx kissed him. The warmth of it chased away the pain, and he waited another moment or so to be sure. "It's okay now."

"You sure?"

"It's the pressure, I think. I never quite thought..." He didn't think it would feel like this. "Dreams and thoughts tend to be... more instantly pleasurable." Easier. Less embarrassing.

"I thought you'd never-"

"That doesn't mean I don't think about it."

He laughed a little. "Do you think I could... try to..."

Ienzo reached up to touch his face. "Slowly."

He used more of the lube on himself this time. Ienzo realized he'd never quite seen it before. It had always been too dark before, or hidden in a bundle of blankets. Anticipation made him shiver. Demyx's need to compliment him earlier made a lot more sense. Demyx was quite beautiful.

Ienzo tried to ease forward a little more. There was a little bit more fumbling, and he could feel the tip of it against him, warm and insistent. More pressure, this time, and while there wasn't pain, there was no real pleasure, either. Demyx shuddered and eased inside of him gently.

"Are you alright?" Ienzo asked him.

"Yeah, I just…" He shut his eyes. "It feels really good."

He figured that a few minutes of feeling uncomfortable was worth making Demyx feel that good. Ienzo kissed him and drew him a little closer. He felt his dick rubbing against his stomach. At least this much was good. Demyx bucked up against him. A fissure of sharpness-so sudden he wasn't quite sure what it was-broke his awareness. Something good. Too good to put it to words.

He must've made some kind of sound. "I'm sorry," Demyx said.

"It didn't hurt," he insisted. "I assure you. I felt-"

He smiled. "Oh. Well. That's good."

Demyx leaned against him. It took some more fumbling before he got comfortable with it, and before Ienzo could feel the same almost sharp pleasure. There was a richness to it, a complexity, moreso than their other encounters. He found himself losing track of the outside world, getting caught up in his body and the tightness inside of him. It was too good to last much longer, he knew. A lot of things were making sense that hadn't before.

Ienzo tightened the arm that he'd wrapped around Demyx's waist (when had that happened?). He kissed him feeling warm all over, and fragile.

Demyx broke off the kiss. He whispered something, but Ienzo couldn't quite hear it. Again, there was no anxiety, or fear, just the pureness of the moment. He couldn't hold it back if he tried. It was the most intense orgasm he'd had, leaving him feeling faint and so very vulnerable as the endorphins began to fade. There was something like a flush of warmth inside him as Demyx came too. They pulled their bodies gently apart.

Demyx lay down next to him and took his hand.

Sweet overstimulation made him feel shaky, but he wasn't trembling outwardly. Ienzo blinked, trying to clear his head. He looked over and saw tears in Demyx's eyes.

"You're crying," Ienzo said.

"It's a good cry."

He understood. His own heart felt so full it might burst open, and his body was still hyperaware of every little touch. He'd never felt so muchbefore, at least, not so much pleasure. "I… I never thought I could contain so much feeling," he said shakily. "At first… admittedly… I could not understand why it is people do this, and then… well…"

"I hit the spot?"

"So to speak."

He smiled. "It'll get easier," Demyx said.

"Yes. I… look forward to the practice. But for now… I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed. Can we just rest for a while?"

"I love you."

Ienzo could tell he relished saying those words. Perhaps Demyx had never had anyone he'd ever loved in any capacity. "And I you."

To go back to a normal, everyday life after that was… odd.

Ienzo didn't believe in the concept of virginity, but to say that things weren't different afterwards was completely incorrect. He'd changed, experienced something very intense and very human, and simply put, life would never be the same. While Demyx didn't say anything on the matter, Ienzo thought that he might feel similarly. They didn't say much; they didn't really have to. He slept deeply and woke up with a soreness in his hips that only grew more noticeable when he walked to the bathroom.

The warm water soothed him and helped with the pain. It felt no worse than muscles after a good amount of exercise, but it was a tangible reminder of what had happened. He dressed gingerly and combed his hair. Looking in the mirror, he saw more himself than Zexion. This was far out of his past self's understanding.

Clean, he returned to the kitchen and looked through the gummiphone, feeling an overwhelmed sort of happiness.

After about half an hour Demyx returned from his bath. "I slept like a rock," he said, as if they hadn't shared the same bed. "Coffee?"

"Please," Ienzo said. He wondered if they should talk about it, to debrief, but he kind of liked the understated quiet of the moment.

Breakfast, coffee. Demyx's knee rested against his. "...You feel okay?" Demyx asked.

So he did want to talk about it. If only there wasn't a fear of being overheard. Everyone might know of their relationship, but they didn't need to know specifics. Ienzo listened for rogue footsteps and heard nothing. "I'm… a little sore," he admitted. "It is bearable, though."

"Me too. Your death grip on my arm didn't help."

"I... did not mean to hurt you," he said. "I was not exactly fully aware of my surroundings."

Demyx smiled. "It's fine. I'm just teasing."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm good, actually." He laid his hand on top of Ienzo's. "I didn't think things would feel so different."

"I agree," he said quietly. "I think the whole ordeal was new to both of us."

"Very," Demyx said.

"It was a big step. Insofar as these things go. It never made sense to me before, how invested people became in one another, how vulnerable it made them. Yet I feel as though I'm finally coming together. I've found a wholeness as well."

Demyx picked up his hand and kissed it. "Do you want to work together today?" he asked.

Ienzo pretended to check Demyx's temperature. "Are you sure you're feeling quite alright? If I heard you correctly, you want to work. "

He snorted. But his tone was rather earnest. "You know, I kind of do," he said. "Things got really intense, really fast. I need a breather after these few days."

Ienzo couldn't help but agree. "Let's take our time." Really they had only been together about a month. "I should like to work with you again."

The study room was cold, though the sunlight helped a little. Demyx started, very carefully, copying the master score onto clean staff paper. Really it made sense to have two copies of these things, especially given how old and fragile the original was. Ienzo watched him write, trying to summon the energy or strength to do his own work, finding little. His mind was drawn, irrevocably, to the fact that he'd abandoned his prior research. Abandoned Sora.

As much as he tried to internalize the fact that investigating farther would be dangerous, and he really just had to wait like everyone else, the usual guilt put an anxious knot in his throat. He hated feeling helpless. Hated grieving.

Ienzo leaned against Demyx's shoulder and watched him write. Initiating touch was easy now, no longer so overwhelming. He always had such a clean scent, like salt and ginger. Ienzo rarely missed his old uncanny sense of smell, but now was one of those times. Demyx copied the lines quickly and cleanly, and Ienzo noted that he was also putting down the runes at the end of each line with a strange sort of ease. "You actually have rather nice handwriting. I've seen your old mission reports. What, were you trying to make it more difficult for Saïx?"

"I wrote them with my left hand," Demyx admitted. "The guy was a jerk! Why make things easy for him?"

Ienzo shook his head. "I admit he was… a character." Even for a Nobody, Saïx's cruelty had been uncalled for, particularly towards the neophytes. Isa's kindness now was all the the more bizarre.

"But you were always so good, so he never bothered you."

"...Precisely." Ienzo had to admit that he was very good at doing what he was told. He'd believed-naively, childishly-in what the Organization sought. Kingdom Hearts. To him, it had meant infinite knowledge, to the others it symbolized power. They'd all been mere pawns in a bigger game. And Ienzo'd thought he'd been so clever.

Demyx shook out his hand. "I'm surprised as researchers you guys don't have a copier."

"Well-we did," Ienzo said. The memory made him cringe a little. "It was down in Even's lab because he fought tooth and nail to have it by his side. But one of his experiments went awry, who-knows-what got all over the damn thing, and it's back to hand-copying or printing everything." Really Even was more of a chemical engineer, playing with compounds and matter. How else had he made the replicas?

"At least it's easier to read this way. I'm betting the guy was running out of paper. Everything's so cramped together." Demyx straightened the pages he'd completed.

Ienzo studied them closely. The text at the side was in both runes and their language. "You divided out the sections. Did you look at my translations while I was speaking to Ansem?"

"The what now?"

He touched the margins. The writing was clear as day- mandolin, cello, oboe, and so on and so forth. Demyx'd done both the key and the abbreviations on the page.

"I must have been thinking of something else," Demyx said, but there was a puzzled look on his face. He shuffled back to the old score. "Remember that "F or S" thing you wondered about?" He sounded strained.

"Your tone is concerning," Ienzo said. "Whatever's happened?"

"It could've been an F. F for flute. But it wasn't. It's S for-" He cut himself off and exhaled sharply. He put a hand to his face, as though it hurt.

Ienzo blinked. "Sitar? That's an unusual coincidence." His mind was spinning. Against his will it was all making sense-

Demyx barked out an odd laugh. "It's not a coincidence, Ienzo."