Cannoli Problem
A Hellsing FanFic
Sapphirewyren
Author's Note: I do not own Hellsing or cannoli XD
Enrico Maxwell loved doing Masses. He loved how the whole congregation looked up at him in reverence as if he was a god, he relished …..
"MAAAAAXXXXXWEEEEEELLLLLL!"
Oh no. Enrico looked up to where the doors of the cathedral had been literally slammed off their hinges and saw the Hellsing leader, looking none too happy. In fact, she looked violent.
"You think you can have 200 boxes of cannoli delivered to my residence?!"
"Sir Hellsing, you are interrupting a very holy Mass."
"Fuck your bloody Mass!"
The congregation gasped. Meanwhile Enrico tried not to giggle at what Integra's face must have looked like when she saw the boxes of cannoli.
"Perhaps you ordered them by mistake."
"I DON'T LIKE CANNOLI, YOU WAFER SWALLOWING PIG!"
Integra stormed towards the altar. Enrico tried to move, when she pulled out a pistol and pointed it at him. More gasps from the congregation.
"You want to act childish? I'll give you childish!"
Please God let her take off her shirt and make monkey noises. "Let's be reasonable" begged Enrico. However, Integra was in no mood for reasonable. When she got to the altar, she punched him in the stomach causing him to double over the altar. Then she hiked up Enrico's priest garments. "She's going to give me a spanking!" thought Enrico. Yeah, you wish. Then Enrico felt a gloved hand reach into the waist of his pants, grab his underwear and gave a sharp pull. He had never felt pain this extreme and he bellowed in agony. Integra gave another rough tug on his underwear and Enrico, this time screamed. The audience winced as the bishop's screamed was magnified by the microphone he was wearing.
"Had enough, you papist?" growled Integra.
"Y-yes." Whimpered Enrico.
"Too bad, I'm not done, yet"
"P-p-please! Stop! I'm sorry I sent those cannoli to your house!"
Integra gave Enrico's underwear yet another harsh pull, while Enrico gave another shriek. The audience could only watch in horror as their Mass celebrant's balls and underwear began to reach his head. To add insult to injury, Integra took out a bag with the accursed pastry and shoved it into Enrico's mouth. Tears were now falling from Enrico's eyes.
"Now, I'm done."
Integra went over to the presider's chair, sat in it and took out a cigar to enjoy, while watching Enrico try and adjust himself.
"Remember that pain the next time, you decide to pull a foolish prank like that, Maxwell."
Author's Note: The 'presiders chair' is the chair that the priest sits in some parts of the Mass. No one else can sit in that chair. Except badass Integra.