Thank you for the reviews! I was going through hell trying to figure out how I wanted this chapter to play out. I knew I wanted to use a few lines from the show and I know that this particular scene left so much more to be desired.
I fixed it, somewhat... and its a little angsty here and there but, an interesting though came to my mind. What if Harm never felt worthy of her?
Take note of his romantic comment... It will come back again. ;) Mac will call him out on it in later chapters. :D Squee!
Chapter 3.
Wednesday morning came around and although Mac probably should have rested longer, she headed into the office anyway. She was tired of being home alone with her thoughts. There was a time, several of them actually where she'd grabbed her phone in an attempt to call Harm and ask him over. She had dialed the familiar number, stopping one digit off and hanging up the phone before making a stupid decision. She wouldn't call him and give into weakness. She needed to grieve, to process Webb's death not fall into the arms of another man as she had time and time again. It wasn't fair… it never was fair. And, since it was her doing, she was going to have to deal with it.
Harm had called her twice a day, each day asking if she needed anything, offering to cook or a shoulder to lean on. As much as she wanted him near, his presence made her feel vulnerable, weak, something that she was trying to erase. She didn't want to need him even if it was just to sit by and hold her while she cried. It was the inevitable conversations that they would have that scared Mac. She didn't want to hash anything out at the moment so it was easier to say that she was fine when everything was not.
When she stepped into the bullpen, she walked in on Harm and Bud in conversation. They had been discussing their future commanding officer when a name came up. One that made her cringe.
"Krennick!?" Harm yelled out in surprise as Bud nodded at him. "What is the SECNAV thinking?"
"She's been on the fast track for years, held all the right billets." The younger officer rattled down the list in his usual precise manner and stopped abruptly at Harm's disapproving look. Well, it was more than a disapproving look, Harm was cringing, his expression positively mortified. "I take it you disapprove, sir?"
Disapprove was the understatement of the century. Krennick had no business being the JAG. The woman had a penchant for being eerily seductive towards him and loved to flaunt her power among the junior officers. People like that wouldn't change and Harm would be hard pressed to believe that her moving up the ranks had to do with sex more than her legal prowess. The woman was a Black Widow that preyed on those below her. He hated thinking that way as he had been an advocate for women in the military as long as they could pull their weight and do their jobs.
Krennick made him feel like nothing but a sex object, an embarrassing fact and Harm knew that if he brought her up on charges, his own past would be thrown at him. Which is when stayed a polite two steps behind and practically begged Chegwidden to send him out of headquarters on JAGman investigations when he was a Lieutenant.
Then there was another thing to consider, his relationship with Mac was already in a precarious position. It would be a cinch that Krennick would send Mac away to have one less obstacle standing in her way. The thought sickened him. He could see Krennick digging up all of Mac's sordid past and airing it out for all to see. She'd done the same to him time and time again, bringing up his ramp strike and the man he'd killed as a result. It was a way to knock him down a peg, a sort of bullying that was as effective as a knife to the gut. No, the woman could not be their commanding officer and if she did make it, he would put all of his power into keeping her the hell away from Mac. "I'm just not so sure Krennick has the uh, correct temperament to be Judge Advocate General."
"People mellow and her appointment could be very good for your career, sir." Bud said with a knowing grin. Although he wasn't at JAG at the time, he had heard enough scuttblbutt to know that Krennick should have been brought up on charges considering how she treated Harm. If she were a man, there would have been no hesitation, no misgivings and her career would have been scuttled. "Captain Krennick always favored you."
"She is the only woman who ever chased me around a desk." Harm said with a chuckle, a false merriment that never reached his eyes. He hadn't noticed that Mac was standing behind them, listening to the conversation with an amused grin and a raised brow. He had told her about the senior officer once, when he was hell bent on murdering Diane's killer. Only, he didn't fill in all of the details, it was better if she never knew how vulnerable he'd been then.
"Uh, then-Commander Krennick admired then-Lieutenant Rabb's s-skills, ma'am." Bud cringed when his mentor came up behind them and tried to save face.
"In the courtroom, one presumes?" She said with a grin and pushed between both men in order to get to her office. Once inside, she placed her briefcase on her filing cabinet along with her cover. She sensed more than saw Harm walk in with an apologetic expression at being caught in such a conversation about a senior officer. "So, I take it you don't like women chasing you around a desk?"
The last thing he needed was Mac thinking that he and Krennick had some sort of relationship when it was anything but. It was the amused grin on Mac's face, the lightness in her eyes that made him relax some. "Depends. If you are the woman doing the chasing, I'd positively enjoy it." He said, eyebrows wagging up and down suggestively.
Despite herself, Mac couldn't help but chuckle, the man could be downright cute at times. Damnit, did she miss this, the teasing, the innuendos that filled in when she couldn't have the real thing. And yet, he had picked the absolute worst time to flirt and her warning tone had calmed his eagerness. "Harm..."
He placed his briefcase on one of her guest chairs and his cover on the edge of her desk, inviting himself in for a little conversation. It felt like weeks more than days since he'd last seen her. "Sorry, I'm… How you feeling?"
"I'm dealing. I just don't want anyone else to know that I am. No one knows about… I kinda want to keep it that way." She had told Sturgis she needed some time off, a couple of days to get her head straight. He had assumed it had to do with Webb's death and didn't push the subject further, something she was grateful for. Mac had also asked to be placed on limited duty as she was unsure of how long she could stand if court proceedings went too long. As it was, standing in heels had been a chore. Again, Sturgis hadn't protested and Mac figured it was the guilt of not originally telling her of Webb's death that was gnawing at him.
"Any pain?"
"Getting better." She pulled out her chair and slowly settled into it. Harm's eyes were still on her, taking in every move that she made. It was a little overwhelming and she was starting to feel smothered by his presence. Even the air she was breathing felt heavier, stagnate and there was nowhere to retreat.
Only, he hadn't caught the shift in her body posture or the pleading look that was begging him to stop this conversation. "That's good news!" He said a little enthusiastically as he leaned in and gripped the back of the chair where his briefcase sat. Harm had spent the better part of the weekend engrossed with everything having to do with endometriosis. He had bookmarked several websites and even visited the library during his lunch break on Monday. "I've been doing research all weekend, it's just scar tissue, Mac. It can be removed."
She didn't want to fight him, didn't want to feel this extreme irritability and yet, Mac couldn't help the icy tone of her words. "Most of it was."
Only Harm didn't catch the timbre of her voice. Although some women were found to be infertile after a severe case, many were still able to conceive and carry full term. He was determined to be there for her any way that he could and if she still wanted children with him, he would make it work. "There's a lot of information out there, tons of web sites, books, literature.. I could show you some if you…"
"Harm!" Mac hadn't meant to yell and catch the attention of the staff members in the bullpen but, she'd reached her wits end. She didn't want to think about her illness or the fact that it was her fault they'd waited too long. And what if that was all he wanted from her? A mother for his children and nothing more. When they made that stupid deal five years prior there was no mention of relationship, faithfulness or love. There were no rules or regulations. In fact, she attempted to avoid it all together but, it was Harm that bought it up time and time again.
What if he was settling, going to a sure thing because she'd been vulnerable on the steps of JAG ops? With a sigh, she rubbed at her temples. "It's too much, too soon." She confessed and sighed again at the helpless expression he was giving her. Her heart ached at his far off look and it was all Mac could do to not stand wrap him in her arms. "Let me come to you... I asked you to wait, remember?"
He remembered every detail about that night in his car. How could he forget the way her lips felt when they brushed gently over his own before she sentenced him to a new waiting game. Sadly, he took his cover off the edge of her desk and then retrieved his briefcase knowing that he was being dismissed. "Oh… okay. I'm… I'm sorry."
He cast her a once over before he attempted to leave only to be stopped by something that had been nagging him all weekend long. Dress whites and gold wings had won him his fair share of attraction from the opposite sex and it had been absolutely effortless to get any woman he wanted into bed. It had earned him quite the reputation and Harm found himself not needing to work too hard to get who he wanted when he wanted. After the ramp strike, he had lost some of his swagger and once Mac had entered his life, the want to be a playboy eased completely.
Yes, she had asked him to wait but, what if the wait wasn't worth it for her? Without being asked to, Harm closed her door and then turned back to Mac, settling into one of her guest chairs with a deflated expression. An action that made her terribly nervous, she could only watch as he tried to formulate the words to say and brace herself for an onslaught she wasn't prepared for. "Harm…"
"I'm not the most romantic of guys, Mac." He said suddenly, his voice uncharacteristically fragile and apologetic. "I'm afraid that whenever you decide you're ready, I won't be able to give you what you need." The truth of it was, Harm was afraid to wait only to find her fall into the arms of another man. He was afraid that if and when they were finally together he wasn't the man she was expecting. As much as he wanted to change and be a better man for her, he was flawed. It started at a young age when his father had disappeared and he found his mother had moved on with someone else.
That trauma had left a scar over his heart that never healed. Subconsciously, he vowed never to love anyone that way for fear that she would be taken away, ripped apart like his parents had been. It didn't help that the times he'd come close to giving himself fully to a woman he thought he loved, they were taken away too soon. It was just easier to play bachelor than let someone in. "I've had no shortage of women in my life but, none that I've felt this way for." He still wasn't looking at her and couldn't help but cringe at how badly his words sounded. Here he was, trying to look for assurances all the while bringing up his past conquests. God, he could be such an ass sometimes.
Mac let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. At his words, she felt the tension around them ease and become manageable. It warmed her heart to find he was just as insecure as she was. For two people that seemed so invested in one another, it made zero sense as to why they were not together. Slowly, she rose out of her chair and came around to him, her hand pressing gently against his shoulder. "I've often wondered the same. If the reason why we've never been together was because I wasn't good enough for you."
He didn't say anything else on the matter, simply stood and drew her to him, his arms enveloping Mac in a gentle hug that she returned. "Whatever you need, I'm here…Remember that." He whispered before letting her go, taking his cover and briefcase again. He opened the door of her office and took two steps outside before turning on his heel to face her. "Are you okay with groceries? Do you need me to get anything else?" He was finding any excuse to continue talking with her, to share the same space.
Mac nodded, a small smile tugging at her lips. "You uh, stocked the fridge for two weeks, not one. You even bought the Milano cookies that I love."
"Double fudge." He confirmed with a grin. He knew what she liked. "I may have gone a little overboard, I guess."
A little? She was pretty sure he even tossed in some of the healthy crap that he touted was better than her dead cow. "It was sweet of you, thank you." Her grin had widened to a full smile, one that reached her eyes. It was the happiest he'd seen her in days and it made his heart skip a beat. "I'll catch you later if the paperwork doesn't drown me first."
"You know, I kinda want you to give me a deadline on how long I have to wait." He shifted on his heels, his tone of voice one of amusement as he rocked from one foot to another. If he had a deadline he could do something special for her, something to woo her as he tried to court her. Didn't women like that sort of attention?
Only his words made her panic and she couldn't help how desperate her voice sounded. "Are you thinking of moving on? I can't blame you if you do… I haven't exactly been..."
"No!" He said quickly, stepping into her office and taking one of her hands in her own which he squeezed reassuringly. "I'm just… well, along with not being romantic, I am an impatient guy. It's the jet jock in me." Harm joked and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw her relax. "I'm not going anywhere, Mac."
Once again, the office began to feel small, claustrophobic as all of the intense feelings she had for him bubbled to the surface. She wanted him, always had and yet, something told her to wait, to fix things, to get better. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. Mac felt the ache behind her eyes and managed hold back the tears, forcing them to never spill. She released her hand from his and swatted him playfully on the arm. "Scram, I got a mountain of rubber stamping to do."
"Aye, aye ma'am." Rather than head to his office, Harm stopped just short, watching her with interest through her window blinds. She had settled into her desk chair, wincing as she sat. Damnit, he really wished he knew how to take that pain away and ease anything else that was troubling her. He didn't quite know how long he stood there, mesmerized on how she opened each folder and began to work despite the craziness that was her life. They were the same that way, able to throw themselves into work when the going got tough.
After several long minutes, Mac raised her head up to find him looking at her through the windows. It was unsettling and yet, she couldn't help but flash him a small smile and that was enough to get him focused again. She saw him disappear into his office. When he was finally out of eye sight and let out the breath she was holding since his hand touched hers. Never in a million years could she believe that he would feel insecure about her feelings for him. Harmon Rabb was mortal after all.