Swirlies

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

Author's Note: I do not own Hellsing

Enrico breathed a sigh of relief and he buckled his pants and walked out of the bathroom stall. When you gotta go, you gotta go. He chuckled at his little joke. Enrico looked into the mirror to check out his hair, when he saw another reflection in the mirror besides his own.

"Sir Integra! What are you doing here?"

"Because of your idiotic prank phones calls tying up my line, I missed an important call from the Queen, you sad excuse for a priest!"

"You accuse me of the strangest things"

"Really? So you don't remember this?"

Integra took out a recorder and pressed play.

Enrico: Hello? Hellsing is your refrigerator running?

Integra: The hell?

Enrico: Yes? Then you better go catch it! Hahahahaha!

Integra: That's the fourth time, Maxwell! Stop calling me!

Integra pressed pause on the recorder and Enrico tried to look innocent.

"That could have been anyone"

"You're the only ass with that ridiculous accent!"

Integra grabbed Enrico by his ponytail and pushed him into the stall that he had previously occupied.

"Hey! This is the men's room!"

"Then it's a good thing, I'm dressed like one, isn't it?"

Integra then kicked Enrico's legs from out under him. Then she grabbed his head and dunked it into the toilet bowl.

Enrico screamed (or more or less gurgled) as his head was raised and dunked repeatedly into the toilet. He tried not to swallow the tepid water, but it was hard not to because he had to breath. Meanwhile Enrico's screams and gurgles could be heard outside of the bathroom, where several priests listened in with curiosity, but mostly fear. Back in the bathroom, Enrico was now begging for Integra to stop trying to drown him in the toilet, when her iphone rang.

"Hellsing speaking. Good day Your Majesty"

Enrico's muffled shouting.

"That noise? Nothing, nothing at all."

More gurgling and shouting.

"It really is nothing, just something very unimportant and insignificant, nothing for you to worry about."

At Buckingham Palace

"I was calling to set up a meeting with you Sir Hellsing for this Friday at 6pm….is that splashing I hear?...that's Walter?, well tell him to splash more quietly. I shall see you then."

Back at the Vatican.

Integra pulled Enrico's head out of the toilet. "Well you are very lucky the Queen decided to call back." To this Enrico could only whimper as Integra left the stall to wash her hands. As she opened the door, a bunch of priests and even the pope nearly fell on top of her. They tried to look like they weren't listening. The group of priests parted like the Red Sea to let Integra pass because no one really wanted to mess with a woman that killed vampires and gave bishops swirlies.

"She tried to drown me!" shrieked Enrico.

Father Renaldo just sighed.