Chapter 4

Mac's heart was hammering hard against her chest and a fear unlike anything she'd felt in recent years threatened to take the very breath right out of her. She managed to get away from Harm, after they questioned two Canadian fisherman who had claimed an Ensign had shot at them. She hurried out to the helo deck hoping to get a fresh breath of air and right her senses.

The last month had been a whirlwind of emotions when the doctor confirmed what she already knew: her chances of having children were almost nonexistent. Less than five percent chance that she would get pregnant and carry to full term. Mac had taken the news with her usual Marine stoicism until the moment she slid into her car.

That's when the tears came in a steady stream that turned into uncontrollable, gut wrenching sobs. She had punched the steering wheel several times and even screamed at the unfairness of it all. Instinctively, her hand came to her flat abdomen, which she rubbed through her uniform. She would never know what it felt like to carry a child to term. She would never feel her baby kick and move. She would never feel that bond between mother and child. She would never create a life.

Mac was sure, so damned sure that once she told Harm, she would never be with him. The idea made her cry harder, her hands coming up to her face as the tears seemed to have no end. Her heart ached in a way she'd never felt before not even when it seemed they were lost to each other. It ached with such a stark pain that Mac was sure she would die from it.

In anguish, she pressed her hand against her chest and mourned a love she would never have. Yes, Harm promised that he would wait but, there was nothing left for him to wait for. She was defective, broken and somehow Mac knew she'd been that way for years. She loved Harm too damned much to make him face her burden.

All of her mistakes flashed behind her closed eyelids. Each relationship that she'd carried out because she selfishly wanted something that Harm wasn't ready to give. He had been right years ago when he claimed that if a man was interested in her, she was ready. She could have waited for him, should have seen the signs rather than take Mic's ring or fall into bed with Clayton Webb because she was emotionally bereft.

She should have fought for them, for him and whatever relationship they could have had. It shouldn't have been a stupid five year deal. Why not one or two? Why didn't she push the issue when they were unattached and on equal footing again?

"Because you're a selfish bitch." Mac said out loud and pressed her hand to her lips once the words came out. "Oh God." On top of everything else, she was starting to lose it, to talk to herself when she could just call him. And that seemed selfish too, to put all of her problems on him and hope that Harm could make them go away.

Deep inside, she knew he would never abandon her. Harm was infuriatingly stubborn that way and that posed another problem. How would she extricate herself from him? She needed to put some distance between then, real distance where she couldn't see the caring look in his eyes. Mac didn't want him worrying about her or doing kind things like bringing her a fresh mug of coffee in the morning and then another in the afternoon.

He had been waiting, hadn't brought up her condition anymore but, was being too good and too sweet. There was no more banter, no good natured ribbing. Harm was taking care at what words to use around her and any conversation that should have started an argument, he steered himself away from. She hated that version of him, the watered down Harmon Rabb Jr that seemed to walk on eggshells around her. He'd been so damned good and it was all for nothing.

Why would he want her now? What did she have to give him but a fractured woman with more baggage than any man should have to deal with. She loved him enough to let him go and would do so.

He deserved a good woman, someone who would give him kids and a family.

Not her.

And perhaps that was why fate keep them apart? They just weren't meant to be anything more than friends and they'd stupidly grown an intense infatuation.

Yes. That was all she felt for him, an infatuation that could feel like love. Mac didn't love him and he didn't love her. They were friends, good friends. Best friends. "Then why does this hurt so much?" She said to herself before a fresh wave of tears fell from her eyes. Why did her heart feel like it was being ripped out of her chest and stomped on for good measure?

He was moving on anyway, she surmised if the way Professor Alicia Montes looked at him was an indication. If Mac was right, Harm hadn't been intimate with a woman since Renee. She couldn't expect him to stay celibate forever. Plus, the Professor was a blonde, a trait that most of Harm's girlfriends shared in one shade or another. And the woman was hanging on his every word as if he were a Prophet.

Though it had saddened her to see him so comfortable with the woman, it would make it easier for him to move on. That notion lifted a bit of the ache in her heart. So, she had wiped away the tears and called Turner to let him know she was taking the rest of the day off. She couldn't go back to the office, couldn't face her friends or him. Harm would know something was up from the moment she walked in.

Mac was thankful they were sent to a frigate where too many prying ears would keep him from asking personal questions. She was dealing, masking the hurt and then he had to drop an anvil on her.

Creswell.

Scuttlebutt had begun to run rampant about a Marine that could take Chegwidden's position as Judge Advocate General. Being a Marine, Mac was excited about the possibilities and the changes that would come to headquarters. A Marine would square away the Navy and not take bullshit from the sailors in their command. Things would run smoother, smarter and although she would miss Chegwidden, change was a good thing.

And then Harm spoke his name and her World was turned on its axis again. Hell, it was about to spin off into the solar system. Just how many beatings was she supposed to take in her lifetime? If Creswell was appointed, Mac was sure that her career would be scuttled. Despite her not wanting to saddle Harm with her burden, she didn't want to lose him and that would be a real possibility.

Everyone knew about their certain tension. It was evident when they walked into a room together and most assumed they slept together. With her past, why would Creswell think anything less?

"Mac?" She hadn't heard him initially when he stepped out to the helopad only when Harm called for her again using her rank. "Colonel MacKenzie?"

Mac turned to him and found that beautiful grin of his in place. He eyed her from her head to toe making no move to mask the look of desire that he often flashed her with. Once he reached her side, the look changed, his eyes darkened to concern. "You okay?"

"Needed some air. Wasn't feeling too good. I'm better now." Mac began to walk past him and head back into the ship when he dropped another bomb on her.

"It's oficial, Creswell is the new JAG." At his revelation, Harm saw Mac stiffen and she ceased any forward movement. She seemed like she could faint at any moment as the color drained from her face.

"Well, oorah." She said in a sarcastic tone and then pinched the bridge of her nose. "This year is just getting better and better."

"You gonna tell me what your problem is with the guy or?"

Mac lowered her hand and just stared blankly at him. In typical Harmon Rabb Jr fashion, he had latched onto her distress like a dog with a bone. If she didn't tell him he would nag her to death and Mac wasn't in the mood to fight him anymore. "He was the staff judge advocate in Okinawa when I got there. He knew about my affair with John and even made sure he got his letter of reprimand. If I hadn't gotten my rotation orders he would have demanded disciplinary actions against me."

"That was a long time ago, Mac. Why would he remember?" As a lawyer, there were so many cases they investigated, too many to pinpoint as the years passed. It was impossible to believe that Creswell would remember her.

"Marines have a long memory, Harm. He could make my life hell. He could transfer me to another billet." And those were all parts of being in the military, something that she knew could eventually happen but, there was something else that bothered her,the real reason why she feared Creswell. "He could separate us."

The way she drew out the last word, made him light up. He couldn't help the grin that tugged at the edges of his lips and the urge to kiss her that came with it. "Us?"

"Yes, us." She smiled softly at him although the look of concern never left her eyes. "I know you're getting tired of waiting… I saw you with Professor Montes, you've moved on."

"No." He countered quickly and looked around to make sure the coast was clear before taking her hand in his. Harm threaded his fingers through hers and squeezed gently, a reassuring touch that calmed her. "You asked me to wait. I am. I will." Although it was killing him and the desire to give her an ultimatum lingered.

"Which is why I don't want him to send each of us to separate ends of the Earth." God, as fractured as she felt, the way he looked at her made Mac remember why she loved him in the first place.

"We'd make it work."

If they couldn't make it work next to each other for the better part of eight years, how the hell did he expect them to work it out with thousands of miles between them? "Harm…"

"You've changed a lot since Okinawa. Maybe he has too?" He squeezed her hand again in reassurance that he didn't quite feel. Chegwidden had protected them somewhat and it was unrealistic that he and Mac would be in the same chain of command forever. He didn't want to lose her, didn't want to consider not seeing her everyday. The vice on his heart tightened as he let his fingers slip out of hers. "Give him a chance."