Harm had slept horribly, his sofa wasn't exactly the most comfortable of surfaces to rest on but, the alternative was something that added to insomnia. The idea of crawling into bed next to Mac kept him awake most of the night as did the mental images of them making love. He indulged in the fantasy for a short while and managed to reel in his thoughts before he needed a cold shower. The last thing their relationship needed was him acting like a hormonal teenager.
With a groan, he sat up stretching out all of the kinks and then standing up slowly. He cringed at the way his back cracked as he meandered to the kitchen hoping to get the coffee started. It was nearly 0700 and from the few times he shared a room with Mac, it was a cinch that she was already awake. This was confirmed when the sounds of his coffee machine percolating ceased to be the only noise in the quiet loft.
From his room he heard her crying, muffled sobs piercing through the silence and mixing with the sounds of his coffee machine. Harm walked slowly up the steps to his room to find Mac curled up in the center of his bed legs drawn to her chest. Her face was in her hands attempting to suppress the sobs that shook her whole body. "Mac, are you okay?"
He often wondered how badly the endometriosis procedure had hurt and if her stoic Marine facade hid the pain she was in. Was this why she'd pushed him away, for fear of him seeing her like this? It had been several weeks, shouldn't the pain have gone away?
Concerned, he came to her, sat on the bed and took her in his arms. She had resisted for a moment and then gave in when Harm tightened his hold. "Tell me what I can do." Her head fell to his shoulder and he could feel the moment the tears fell, wetting the t-shirt he wore.
Waking in his bed surrounded by Harm's scent reminded Mac of all the things she missed out on due to her stupidity. But, it wasn't just her stupidity it was the incessant need to run away. Mac had done it all of her life, it was something she was good at. Even joining the Marines was a way to run, to escape her horrible life. In regards to Harm, she'd run away too. She never should had gone to the opposite end of the Earth when Mic broke their engagement. And she never should have taken Webb's offer to join him in Paraguay. Both were catalysts that had caused more pain and put chasm between them.
She was running both times, first away from the embarrassment of a failed relationship and the impropriety of Harm's involvement. Second, she was running away from him needing space after how they'd treated each other as they traded time on the bench. What Mac couldn't realize was that she'd run so far that they had run out of time.
She pressed her hands into his chest and pushed him away. "Let me go."
Reluctantly, he acquiesced but, remained seated on the edge of the bed. "Mac, is it the procedure? Are you in pain?" He was desperate to help her and ease whatever discomfort she felt. "I need to know what's going on." She had distanced herself, avoided him at all costs and yet, he waited. Despite himself, he would continue to wait. "Is it… Is it Webb?"
How long did people grieve? Was it different for a lover than a parent or a friend? Harm recalled how heartbroken he'd been over Diane's death, his consolation being the dozen or so letters she'd sent him. He'd read them meticulously, commiting each one to memory, grieving her loss until… Mac.
Seven months he had grieved pretending to keep it together when his heart was shredded. He ached for the years they missed and the future they would never have. After that kind of pain, he vowed not to love again. Yes, he had an infatuation with Annie but, it wasn't the same. And then came Mac who looked so much like Diane and yet, was so much more. He stopped thinking about the other woman, his thoughts primarily tuned to his partner. Harm hadn't wanted to love again and yet, Mac made him fall. He was just too stupid and too scared to take what she offered. Part of him wondered if he was afraid to be happy.
"I'm fine." She said suddenly, trying and failing to compose herself in his presence.
"You're not fine." Harm followed Mac as she stood and headed to his kitchen. "Talk to me."
She took a coffee mug out of his cupboard and poured herself some keeping her back to Harm the entire time. Mac could feel his eyes on hers and she knew he wouldn't let her go without an answer. She had once resigned to the fact that they were never going to work out and yet, here he was waiting for her. Mac was sure he would be celibate forever if she asked him to. The kind of power they held over each other scared her.
"You have a right to grieve him. It's okay to cry and if you..."
"Stop bringing up Clay!" She snapped at him whirling around to face Harm with an angry glare. "You think you know but, you don't. Stop assuming." With a sigh she gripped tightly to the mug and closed her eyes willing a fresh set of tears away. Damnit, she didn't want to think about Clayton Webb anymore. The man had done more bad than good in her life and taken so much when he died. The months they had spent together were all for naught and though she had forced herself to feel something for him, Mac was pretty sure the love she felt was more of an infatuation. Maybe it was more out of desperation; a mistake.
Harm remained rooted in place standing just a few feet away and not knowing what to do. He could count how many times he'd seen her so out control and hoped this would be the last time. He desperately wanted to stop her from crying and felt so damned helpless. "Mac…"
"You want to know if I'm grieving? The answer is yes." And her grief had nothing to do with Clayton Webb. One hand kept a grip on her coffee mug as the other settled on her flat abdomen. He had to know what was going on, she owed it to him to let him make his own decision in regards to them. It would destroy her to watch him move on but, she'd risk it if Harm was happy.
"I have something I need to tell you and I don't even know how to start." Mac said softly.
"You can tell me anything. I told you I'd be here for you and I meant it." Tentatively he stepped closer to her, finally placing a hand on her shoulder. "You're starting to worry me. I can tell you haven't been sleeping or eating."
Mac looks up to him with wonder. How could he know? "You haven't said anything."
"Because you need a friend now not someone to nag at you."
A friend. A best friend, not a lover. She would never know what physical intimacy felt like with Harm - the conversation between lovers. "I can't have your child." She said suddenly after taking one sip of coffee and then studied the back black liquid unable to meet Harm's eyes. She felt him staring at her and an overwhelming sense of dread settled at the pit of her stomach.
Her revelation made Harm feel so gutted and helpless. Was this why she was avoiding him? "Is it that you don't want to or you just can't?" His heart was hammering against his chest aching with each beat it took. He felt a little dizzy and took a breath as he leaned against the cabinets. Did she not want him now? Was it their five year deal that kept her around? The thought was unsettling.
"I can't." She leaned against his cabinet and took a breath as some of the weight came off her shoulders. She would tell him the truth and figure out how to put her life back together when he left. She was good at that. "I physically cannot have children. I won't be able to conceive and if I do, if by some miracle I do get pregnant, I wouldn't carry to full term. Too much scar tissue. I waited too long."
Harm had read about the possible complications and went through countless websites that offered solutions. "Mac, there are other ways. Surrogacy. In vitro. It doesn't matter how it happens as long as it's between the two of us, I told you this before."
Mac shook her head. "I can't do surrogacy, Harm. It would kill me to see another woman carrying our child. There's no beating around the bush, I am infertile. Our deal is null and void." Her tone of voice was harsh and callused, betraying the whirlwind of emotions and pain that gripped her. It was yet another reason for her to grieve.
"I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say or how to make it better. Honestly, in this case, there just weren't any words. He could see the pain in her eyes and wished the hell he could take it away. How many hits would this woman have to take in her life? It seemed like God had it out for her and it wasn't fair.
"I know you've been waiting and I'm sorry that you have but, you need to find somebody else." Angrily, she brushed away the tear that fell. Damnit, she was tired of crying, of hurting. The last year and a half had been surrounded with nothing but pain. Even the good moments with Webb had bled into one argument or another and her self worth had been called into question time and time again. Maybe she was just meant to be alone? And, really, was that a bad thing? All of the men that had been involved with her suffered some sort of catastrophe, Harm was her next casualty. She needed to cut him loose. "You need to find a woman that will give you what you want and what you need. I am not her."
Harm couldn't help the anger that rose inside of him or the want to shake some sense into her, something that he'd been feeling a lot of lately. Weren't they making some sort of headway? Wasn't she getting better? He was tired of this game, tired of sitting on the sidelines when he new what he wanted. "How dare you presume to know who I want to be with!?" He yelled, unable to restrain himself any longer.
"Harm."
"No, goddamnit, you're gonna listen to me!" Roughly, he grabbed her by the shoulders, fingers digging into her delicate skin as he turned Mac to face him. "My waiting has nothing to do with that stupid five-year deal which, I swear to God, I wish I'd never made." It had been nothing but a weight placed on their shoulders, a timeline that was unfair to the both of them. "My waiting is for you, Sarah. I want you . Whether or not you can have my kid or not, it's all about you. I don't care if we spend the rest of our lives with sixten kids or if it's just the two of us. I just want you. Only you."
"Why me? My life is a disaster and I've hurt you so damned much."
Harm released his hold on her and took a step back. He wanted to tell her that he loved and desired her in ways he never thought possible. But, he held back, unsure she was ready to hear those words. "No matter who comes and goes in my life, you've been there. If you still need me to wait I will but, let me know what I'm waiting for. I want you so much that sometimes, I have to actively control myself around you."
Mac's breath caught at his words and the passion in his eyes that she long thought was extinguished. He was looking at her like he had several years prior, the night of her engagement party when they kissed so passionately. Damnit, she wanted to kiss him now, to take her and make her his but, she couldn't. It was too soon. "My boyfriend died just a few months ago. I can't just fall into your arms no matter how much I really want to."
"Why not?"
"Because it wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair to him and it wouldn't be fair to you either."
Harm studied her for a moment and finally found the courage to ask her something he'd been curious about. "How serious was it between you and Clay? You told me you loved him."
It was a question she'd asked herself time and time again with no definitive answer. "Honestly? I don't know. We didn't really talk about the future or kids or anything like that. I couldn't see myself having kids with him either."
"Did you love him?"
"I wanted to." But, a want to love someone didn't mean there was anything there. Mac lived for the good moments, the times he would make her feel invinscible. Looking back, those were few and far between. "Look, my character has already been called to question too many times throughout the years. I am not going to smear your name."
"Are you afraid of what we'd look like together?"
"So soon after his death, yes." She had taken her hits and wouldn't be a part of any of his. "That's why I couldn't be with you after Mic left… It was too soon and it wouldn't have been fair to you."
"You should have let me decide what was fair or not, Mac."
As the sun began to rise, the rays shone through Harm's windows casting shadows over his living room and the blanket strewn over his makeshift bed. Mac padded to the sofa and looked down at the sheets with a frown. "Please don't tell me you slept out here."
Harm shrugged, "Didn't want to wake you, you passed out pretty quick."
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Putting you out in your own loft? You could have slept next to me." She said, biting her lower lip as the words came out. Mac had slept in his arms before and felt the hardness of his body pressing into her protectively. She needed that now.
"Ah, well. That may not be a good idea." As much as he would have loved having her in his arms being so close to her would be his undoing. Harm was fairly sure he wouldn't be able to stop himself from kissing her and that would just complicate things at the moment.
Although he remained in the kitchen, Mac could still see the heat in his eyes that he tried to hide. An intense stare that was starting to make her resolve waiver. "Are my charms that undeniable?"
She tried to joke it off but, he wasn't laughing. "Yes." Harm couldn't help the hungry look in his eyes or the desire that coursed through him. He was a consummate gentleman and would never do anything untowards in regards to her but, this waiting was killing him. "Do you have any plans for today?" He asked suddenly.
Just like that, the primal look was gone and Mac could breathe again. "Was gonna stay home and clean my bones but, nothing else."
"Are you okay? Healthwise I mean?"
"At my last check up the doc said I was fine. Why? What did you have in mind?" He hadn't pushed her away like Mac assumed he would. He was still there like he said he'd always be. She decided it was time to move things forward a bit, spend a little more time with him.
Mac never imagined she would find herself on his plane again. And yet, that is exactly what happened early that afternoon. He had asked her to go flying and promised to check and double check every inch of his plane. She was nervous, so damned nervous but when 'Sarah' left the runway and cruised into the clear blue skies, Mac felt much more at ease.
"Take the stick." Harm told her over the intercom as he eased the biplane out of a series of dips and dives that had her laughing. It was a sound he missed so much, Mac's laughter was usually contagious. He was not met with resistance and sensed when she took over controlling his Steerman. "She's yours, Mac. Do as you wish."
Mac took a breath as she pulled the stick up bringing the plane skyward feeling the rush of controlling such a powerful machine. "Can I do a roll?" She asked and followed Harm's instructions as he told her exactly the movements to make that were done flawlessly.
"You're a natural." He called out, taking the stick back after letting Mac fly for some time. "I'm gonna have to cut this short, Mac." He motioned out to the left and a storm that was brewing in the distance. "Weather's coming in."
"As long as we can do this again and soon."
"Deal." He promised before making perfect landing and bringing the biplane into its spot in the hanger.
He came to the front and reached up to pull Mac down from the plane once she had stepped out of the fuselage. As he did, he wrapped his hands around her hips and held onto her a moment too long once her feet and touched ground. There was a rush that passed between them and an asking in his eyes as they stood staring at each other.
It was when Harm made to release his hold that Mac wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head down to hers. She kissed him softly, lips pressing gently against his own as she too had grown tired of waiting.
It was a move that had him holding his breath and remaining impossibly still for fear that she would stop. Sensing his tension, Mac pulled away slightly and looked up at him. "You know, kissing works best when the other party kisses back." She pointed out with a raised brow and a grin that Harm would describe as teasing. Something had eased between them since that morning at his apartment and the drive down to Blacksburg. He didn't know how or why it happened but, wasn't going to let the moment pass.
"Permission to kiss the Colonel?"
"Permission granted." Mac pulled him down again once he stepped into her embrace. His hands that were still on her hips came around so that his arms would circle her waist. He kissed her deeply and with an ardor that she'd never experienced before. This wasn't the desperate kiss from years prior when he thought he would lose her another man. This was the kiss of a man that was in love and she knew it.