Locker Blues

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing

The sun high in the cloudless blue sky of the vast city of Rome. At noon, there was barely any traffic in the streets. But Enrico Maxwell didn't care about that. He had been asked by the principal of St. Stephen's School to give a speech about young people today and spirituality. As he looked down at the students from the podium on the stage, he relished in the enraptured gazes the young teens were giving him. As Enrico was about to continue, the sound of the Angry Birds theme resounded through the auditorium. Angered, Enrico looked around to see who was being so rude. The person sat in the front row, hunched over a smart phone, and long legs stretched out in front of them, so if someone had to pass, they would be forced to step over the pair of legs. Maxwell had requested that all the students wear something that had the school's logo on it. The rude person wore a navy blue and black suit, with no visible logo.

"Excuse me, turn off your phone this minute! I am speaking!" The person paid Enrico no attention and kept playing Angry Birds. This angered Enrico; who was used to being obeyed; even more. "I SAID TURN OFF YOUR PHONE! I AM SPEAKING!" This got the person's attention and the bishop found himself looking in the intense glacial glare of Integra Hellsing.

"What are you doing here?!"

"Apparently playing Angry Birds, while you spew complete shit into these poor children's heads."

"How did you get in here?!"

"I took a jet from London to this cesspool you call a country, where Father Renaldo was kind enough to tell me you would be here preaching hypocritical nonsense."

"I meant in THIS building!"

"Oh, that. Security sucks."

"Why are you here? Can't you see I'm in the middle of a speech?"

"You have been sending me the ridiculous emails. Links to God knows what, but I'm guessing porn sites, which has me wondering why a bishop would know such things." The teachers and students gasped.

"How do you know it's me? It could….."

"I TRACKED YOUR IP ADDRESS, YOU ASS!"

Integra stormed onto the stage, grabbed Enrico by his ponytail and slammed his head on the podium. She shoved her phone in his face and said "You must have nothing better to do, if you can send me HUNDREDS of idiotic emails a day."

"Anderson must have been using my computer!"

"The big oaf doesn't even know what a computer is! He spends all his time with children!" Integra smacked Enrico's head against the podium again.

"You are the only shit head to send me a link that reads "Iwantdick dot com"!

Again, the audience gasped and the principal shook his head, embarrassed that he had a pervert speaking to his students. The various links and notes that Enrico included porn sites, dating sites, sites to online shops that sold sex toys, call girl sites, rent boy sites, sites for sugar daddies, animal mating sites, and notes the read stuff like "If you are reading this right now, you are a Protestant Whore". Integra had the common sense not to open any email sent by Enrico, but after a while, when they begin to fill up your inbox it gets extremely annoying. And right now, an extremely annoyed Hellsing Commander was dragging Enrico by his dumb ponytail out of the auditorium and into the school hallway. Some of the students and teachers followed the two, obviously out of amused curiosity. They watched Enrico's head get bounced off the lockers, then cringed as Integra sent a hard, swift knee to the bishop's groin and laughed as she shoved him into an empty locker and slapped a big combination lock on it, essentially trapping him in there.

"Let me out!" howled Enrico.

"No, you damn perverted Papist! And no more freaking emails or I'll shove a stick of dynamite up your ass and see how high you can fly!"

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME IN HERE! THE POPE WILL HEAR OF THIS!"

But Integra had already left. Enrico was finally released two days later.

Author's Note: I have no clue if the site is a real site. I made that up. If you wanna check you can go ahead (perverts). Hope you enjoyed.