Arm Wrestling Smackdown

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing

Author's Note: It's that time again…for Enrico to suffer! Enjoy

Enrico did not enjoy the physical beatings that he was taking at the hands of one Integra Hellsing, even if Anderson and Father Renaldo said it was his fault in the first place. And they pointed that every time.

"Why would you send her a tranny stripper for her birthday?" asked Anderson.

"Or an innumerable amount of boxes of cannoli" added Father Renaldo.

"And why would you try to kiss her?"

"Or that ridiculous Valentine's day card?"

"OK! OK! I GET IT!" shouted Maxwell.

"You do understand, you're the one who start these incidents, right?" explained Father Renaldo.

"Well she should learn to curb her anger."

"How about you curb your immaturity.?"

"I must find some way to get back at the woman."

Both Anderson and Father Renaldo sighed, obviously, the bishop was not paying attention. He would not stop until he had beaten Integra and both priests knew that would be never because Maxwell never stopped to think, he just rushed ahead.

"I got it! Something that I can beat that sow in!"

"Let's pray it's not chess" said Anderson.

"Come on, we are going to England!"

"Lord have mercy" sighed Father Renaldo.

Walter walked into Integra's office, "Sir, Bishop Enrico Maxwell is here to see you."

"Tell him to go piss off" said Integra dryly. Enrico, Father Renaldo and Anderson entered the office. "That is no way to treat an esteemed guest, Hellsing!" shouted Maxwell. This earned him an ashtray to the forehead, "Would you stop screaming? Are you deaf or something?"

"Anderson, you could have caught that, now I'm bleeding!"

"Stop blubbering you bloody baby, you'll just need a couple of stitches. Now why are you here and be quick about it."

"I'm challenging you to an arm wrestling contest!"

Everyone in the office was quiet for a minute until Walter asked, "Are you sure? I mean that is…"

"What? She's a woman! I can beat her!"

"That's kind of sexist" said Anderson who surprised himself by defending Hellsing.

"Let him do as he please, if he arm wrestles the way he throws then I won't have to use my whole arm" sneered Integra.

"We will meet here" said Maxwell as he handed Integra a piece of paper. Father Renaldo groaned, "Great, in public where he can humiliate himself."

"Wrong! I will humiliate the great Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing!"

Integra rolled her eyes, why was this man an idiot? Several hours Integra found herself inside of a bar called the Drunken Wench, which the commander found to be stupid and oddly appropriate name. Inside the bar there was filled with the lowest form of people, which made Integra glad that Alucard wanted to see the arm wrestling match. Seras, Pip and Walter also tagged along. When Maxwell arrived it was all show and fanfare kinda like Apollo Creed versus Ivan Drago, only with the colors of Italy. Seras giggled at this, while Integra and Walter looked stoic, Pip and Alucard laughed hysterically. Father Renaldo and Anderson opted for trying to blend in with the crowd.

"Drunks and fools, give me your attention! I will be arm wrestling this woman, Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing and I will…."

"If she's a 'sir', what are you? A 'ma'am'? yelled one the customers. Everyone laughed at this, while Enrico scowled, "I'm not done talking! Whoever loses must kiss "Gross Stewart"!

"Gross Stewart" was a grossly obese, sweaty man who either didn't know what a toothbrush was or never owned one. So bad breath hung around him like white on rice. It didn't help that his teeth were crooked and jacked up and his lips were chapped. Also Gross Stewart never really acquainted himself with a shower or soap. Integra took one look at him and said, "Oh hell no! We did NOT agree on that!"

"There is no backing out now, Hellsing!"

"Fine I hope you practiced kissing, papist."

One of the bartenders stepped forward as referee, "Ok wrestlers clasp hands! Your elbows are not allowed to leave the table, first to pin their opponent for a three count wins. The loser….well the loser knows what they have to do." Gross Stewart grinned a wet, yellow toothed grin.

Integra sneered, "Pucker up, Papist"

"It will be you, who will be puckering, Protestant sow."

You know how you do something and in the middle of it regret it? Well that's how Enrico was feeling right now. No matter how hard he pushed, he couldn't get Integra's arm to budge. It was sad really, the way Enrico strained and struggled, "What the heck are you on Hellsing, steroids?"

"If you want, I can use my left hand."

At first everyone watched with anticipation, but as the minutes ticked by, it got boring. Enrico might as well have been arm wrestling a house and so the patrons went about their own business.

"Sir, you have a meeting in 45 minutes" said Walter. "Perhaps you should end this."

"NO!" shouted Maxwell. "I can beat her."

"Face it, there is no way you can win, Maxwell" laughed Pip. "I always knew Italians were wimpy."

"Well there goes his manhood" chuckled Alucard. Anderson and Renaldo just shook their heads. It had been thirty-five minutes and no progress had been made.

"I'm down to my last cigar, after I'm done with this one, I'm breaking your arm, Maxwell" said Integra with the deadly calm of a viper about to strike. This threat made Enrico struggle even more in vain. When the cigar was finally finished, Integra smashed Enrico's hand right through the wooden table. The bartender didn't even bother to count to three, it was obvious who won. On hearing the table being shattered everyone in the bar looked in the direction of the man on the floor clutching his broken arm.

"That's what you get for underestimating me because I'm a woman, you sexist piece of crap" snarled Integra.

"I am NEVER arm wrestling her" whispered Anderson to himself.

"Looks like yet another trip to the hospital" sighed Renaldo.

As the knight left the bar, she called back, "By the way Stewart, Maxwell likes it really wet, with a LOT of tongue."

Chapter end