Chapter 9

Harm practically bounded up the steps to Mac's building whistling happily as he used the key to enter. He was holding a bouquet of 12 beautiful red roses and a card that was written by hand with a message that was far more personal than the few lines the florists had placed in other arrangements.

The week seemed to crawl by and although he missed her, Harm was grateful for a TAD that sent him to Pensacola for a few days. It was easier to control his burning desire if he didn't have to see Mac every day.

Damnit, did he want her. So badly that his mind kept tormenting him with vivid images of that night on her couch. He was foolish to stop her, he knew but, their first time needed to be more than a romp on her sofa. After so many years of misunderstandings and hurt, he wanted to do this right.

As he rode the elevator, his mind began to wander again curiously unraveling images of what she would look like naked. Harm indulged in the image and the thoughts of her beneath him, murmuring his name, encouraging him to continue pleasing her.

Then there were the other images, one of her atop him, his hands on her hips as he guided her. Mac's breasts… "Ugh." The ding of the elevator brought him out of his reverie and Harm had to take a moment or two to calm himself. "Breathe, Hammer." He said out loud and took a few breaths before stepping out and heading down her hallway. They had to consummate their relationship this weekend or Harm was sure he would self-combust. By the way that Mac had practically begged him to make love to her, he knew she felt the same.

He had never wanted a single woman as much as he wanted her. And it wasn't just sex, it was everything that came with a relationship. Harm wanted to wake up next to her, to lay on her sofa watching movies together. He wanted to make her dinner and breakfast in bed. He wanted to watch her cleaning the dinosaur bones on her table. He wanted to know more about her, the secrets that she'd never told him in the last nine years. He wanted to come home to her every night. Home was with her.

Harm knocked on the door and waited patiently for her to open. He couldn't remember the last time he'd taken a woman on a weekend getaway. More than likely it had been Renee and if he recalled correctly, other than great sex, the rest of his time away was spent with her on the phone.

He expected Mac to welcome him wearing jeans and a light sweater. Instead, Mac was in sweats, hair a complete mess and her eyes were bloodshot from crying. There were deep circles under her eyes, a sign that she had not slept much, if at all. She spoke to him and widened the door for Harm to come in. She had said something that he chose to ignore only to have her repeat it again.

Oh God, no. Not now. Harm closed his eyes tightly for a second and although he tried to fight it, anger coursed through his veins in an immeasurable speed. "What?"

"Webb's alive." She clarified for him, punctuating each word.

Harm visibly deflated in front of her, his shoulders slumping at the news. The brilliant smile he was wearing disappeared to be replaced with a scowl. Hell, even his partial erection was gone and there was nothing left of the happiness he felt moments earlier. "What?"

"Webb… He's alive." Mac stood in front of him waiting for some sort of response. She knew it had to be a shock to him as much as it was to her. That part of her life was over or so she thought. She was ready to move on and find herself again. She was more than ready to heal the pieces of her heart in Harm's arms. And now...

"Say something." She pleaded, his silence was unnerving as was the impassive expression that she hadn't seen in years. "Harm?" Mac grabbed his forearm only to have him roughly pull out of her grasp.

His actions hurt and the parts of herself that had fallen into place again began to shatter. Harm was closing himself off, erecting those damned walls that he had lowered in the past few months. "Talk to me."

He moved into her apartment pacing back and forth until he stopped right in front of her with a deadly expression. "Harm, please."

"Please what, Mac?" He glared down at her and his eyes took on a shade of gray that Mac had never noticed before. His jaw was set, teeth grinding and his breathing was ragged and heavy. "You want me to say something? Fine! I don't want him alive."

He said the words with such conviction, such a finality that Mac had no doubt they were true. "Harm." She knew he was hurting now but she couldn't lie to him. When she made to touch him again, Harm stepped back quickly, putting a few feet of distance between them.

"I don't want Clayton Fucking Webb alive." Harm's voice was rough, concealing the want to break down and cry. Instead, he let his uncontrollable anger out. "I want him six feet under in a goddamned pine box wherever the hell his family plot is." (AN: Don't we all! ;))

"You don't mean that."

"I do."

"He needs our help." She blurted out knowing it would upset him more, but she wouldn't lie to him.

"How do you know?" Why would she know unless… Harm didn't want to think of her going behind his back and yet, he knew that was exactly what she'd done.

"I've been poking around."

"When the hell did you have time to poke around?"

"While you were in Pensacola, there was a message on my answering machine that I didn't understand... And then it made sense." She went to her answering machine hitting play to find a message that sounded like nothing but static. Static with a sort of repetitive rhythm, a Morse code.

S-P-Y-D-R

L-I-V-E

H-E-L-P

Harm stared at the device hearing the code when she played it again for him. It was there, indeed - Spider - Live - Help. Only, he didn't want to deal with Clayton Webb. Why didn't he contact the agency? Why the hell did the man always have to wrap the two of them in whatever schemes he thought of. He'd put them in danger too many times to count and this time their relationship had taken the brunt of it.

He thought of the last few months and how shattered Mac had been. And then he recalled the times she'd thrown her tryst with the spy in his face. Would things have changed or moved along if Webb hadn't disappeared? It was certain that Mac would still be dating the spook and Harm would still… Christ, was he actually pining for a woman? "I won't be your fallback guy, Mac."

"My my what?"

"Your. Fall. Back. Guy." He punctuated. "The one you go to when every asshole you date breaks your heart."

His words hurt her in a way that Mac couldn't quantify. Through all of the years and missteps, is that what he thought he was to her? "Is that how you see yourself?" His silence was answer enough. "You are not my fall back guy. Harm… You're everything to me. I love you." Mac moved towards him, hands coming up to touch his face.

Harm wrapped his hand around her wrist and stopped her movement. He didn't want her hands on him, it was easier to stay angry if Mac didn't touch him. "Stop…I can't do this anymore… I'm not gonna get suckered into this with you. . .I watched you with Brumby and then Webb. It killed me.. I can't do it again."

"I'm tired of waiting on the sidelines unto you figure out whatever the hell you want." He held up the roses he was still holding and put them in a small wastebasket that she had just next to the sofa. "Go save Clay or whatever the hell you want to do but don't involve me in it."

"Harm, please. Don't." She begged, but he had slipped out of her front door before she could go after him. Mac stared at her answering machine wishing this was nothing more than a nightmare. She loved Harm, wanted to be with him but felt indebted to Clay. Even if they were no longer involved, she needed to help him. She also needed to make Harm understand that it was him she wanted not Clayton Webb.

She walked to the wastebasket and pulled the flowers out noticing an envelope that was buried inside. Mac tugged at the envelope and pulled out a simple white card with a red rose drawn in the front in watercolours. She opened the card and inside, in Harm's writing was a note.

'Red is for romance, desire and love.

Sarah, I can't stop thinking about you. You're in my mind during the day and in my dreams at night. Words can not say how much I love you and always will.

Forever yours,

Harm.