CHAPTER 13
Mac stepped underneath the barbell that was locked at shoulder level on the Smith Machine. She prefered free weights but, with no one spotting her the cage allowed for the barbell to lock in place when her grip began to slip.
She positioned the barbell at her shoulders, freed the bar and began to knock out squats. It had been some time since she last enjoyed the therapeutic effects of the gym. Mac squatted down deep, almost at a sitting position and then gracefully stood back up.
Using lower weights than she was used to meant more repetitions and she cautiously went through the movements careful not to do too much too soon. Her vision was focused on the mirror behind the machine as she watched her quads tense from the strain.
The gym at the base was practically empty which is why she immediately noticed a tall male heading her way. From the reflection in the mirror she saw him approach. "Why are you here?"
Harm casually leaned against the machine where he wouldn't disturb her workout. "We need to talk."
Mac stopped mid-squat and glared at his reflection. "You flew to California to talk to me?"
He nodded. "I have a few personal days on the books and a light caseload."
Great. She thought with a huff and then locked the barbell before turning to face him. "I don't want to talk to you. I've had a rough few days… just let me workout." She pushed past him and headed to an empty row of treadmills choosing one in the middle only to have Harm follow.
"How about we spar a little?" Harm asked with a smile as he hopped onto the machine next to hers and began running at the same pace as Mac.
"Spar?"
"Yeah… kickbox, hand to hand… we used to do that."
"It's been… years." They hadn't fought since she agreed to marry Mic, she deduced and found it was part of a long list of thing she missed about them. Their sparring matches were legendary and a fun way to blow off steam when one of their cases had left them wound up.
"Okay," She conceded and then stopped the treadmill. "But I'm pretty wired. Not gonna go easy on you."
Her threat made him grin. "I expect nothing less, Colonel." Only he didn't realize the amount of pent up anger that Mac carried. Sure, she had been pissed at him before but, it always smoothed out at the end.
The woman circling him on the wrestling mat was staring at him with a deadly gaze. He deserved it, Harm knew. He played the part of a jealous jerk and deserved whatever she would dish out at him. "C'mon, Colonel. Hit me with your best… ooof." Her side kick to his midsection packed a bit more of a wallop than he remembered and it nearly too all the air out of his lungs.
"You dropped your hand, left yourself wide open." She pointed a gloved hand at his side and backed up long enough for Harm to compose himself.
Harm straightened up and took a breath. "Try that again." He bounced on the balls of his feet and came in close to land two soft punches to her midsection. "Block those, Marine."
"Stop going easy on me. I won't break." She spun around, attempting to kick his side again only to have Harm stop the kick by grabbing her leg and sweeping the other. The motion made Mac fall onto her back and he quickly straddled her hips.
His hands wrapped around her wrists as Harm pinned Mac's hands to the mat. "We need to talk."
"No. We don't. You made that clear." The more she tried to escape the more he tightened his grip and used the weight of his body to keep Mac immobilized. She tried to pull away but Harm was much stronger than her. "What are you trying to do?"
"Grovel. Beg. Plead if I have to." She stopped struggling at his words and his grip released some. "I'm an idiot." He let her go but was still straddling her. "I'm sorry." She took one of his hands and pulled it towards her chest and Harm seemed to relax at her action as she placed his hand over her heart. The softness of his gaze tried to convey the words he couldn't quite speak. Her eyes met his with a similar look. God, he wanted to kiss her so bad and slip back to the ease they seemed to find. "Mac?"
And then everything happened rather quickly. Once he let his guard down there was no way to counter. Mac brought her hips up forcefully, making Harm fall down towards her as she simultaneously grabbed his arm and brought her legs around his neck. She locked one leg behind the other and pulled at his arm as she squeezed her thighs, a move meant to choke out your opponent.
"Always wanted to be between your thighs, Colonel." Harm managed to get out which only fueled her anger. He felt the edges of his vision start to go, the impending blackout from lack of oxygen as Mac seemed to tighten her hold on him even more. His face was turning red and when Harm tried to get out of the lock, she raised her hips up, effectively tightening the hold.
"Give it up, Commander." Mac grunted out, using as much strength as possible to incapacitate him. The Marine corps taught her a thing or two about defending herself against a bigger opponent but, taking kickboxing and jiu jitsu classes as a hobby was invaluable. With his one good hand, he was trying to pry her leg loose and he would have succeeded if he were quicker. "You're gonna black out if you don't tap." She said, knowing the alpha male in him would try to hold on as long as possible and not give in to her. Eventually, she felt his hand tap her thigh and Mac squeezed one more time before fully letting him go.
"You still got it." Harm wheezed out, laying on his back only to open his eyes and find that Mac was standing over him in a defensive posture. "Mac?"
"Get up." She waved her hand at him, insting that they continue their little match. He wanted to spar, they would spar and maybe she could knock some sense into him in the process. "Let's go, Commander… You wanted to spar with me, you got it." Her voice was icy, a tone that made him realize she meant business.
He got up slowly but, before he could fully right himself, Mac punched him, hard. It wasn't enough to knock him out but, on shaky legs it did make him stumble. "Mac, wait." He covered himself as best he could as she began to hit him repeatedly.
"You are an arrogant, selfish, hurtful jerk, Rabb!" She punctuated her words with a punch until he said something that had her stop altogether. "What?"
"Webb contacted me too, he is alive."
Only his words seemed to piss her off more but, rather than hit him, Mac punched the wall at the side of his head only to grab her hand in pain when the force cracked one of her bones. "Fuck!" She cursed and pressed herself against the wall and she clutched her hand. "Awww hell."
"Let me see it." Harm made to take her hand but, Mac only pulled it away. "Mac, let me see it." She acquisited with a huff and he carefully took the glove off, hoping to not cause her more pain. He studied her hand noting two of her knuckles that had become swollen rather quickly and marred by an ugly red coloration. "We're heading to the hospital, I think you broke your knuckles."
Mac sat on a doctor's table with her hand wrapped and elevated. She had managed to slightly fracture the last two knuckles on her right hand but would not require surgery. The fractures were small enough to heal on its own within a few weeks. Anything after that she drowned out as the doctor was giving Harm, whom they assumed was her boyfriend, a long list of dos and don'ts that she was completely ignoring. Her mind was flashing back to their little sparring match which had been enjoyable to a fault.
Although Mac didn't really want to hurt Harm, it felt good to hit him and get all of the repressed anger she'd been hiding for nearly a decade. He did deserve it, the way he'd been acting as if she suddenly wanted nothing to do with him which was quite the opposite. Harm was the one that hit the breaks, acted the martyr and then refused to speak to her. He was the one acting like a petulant child and now…
Now... What now? Mac ground her teeth together as she tried to make sense out of everything that had happened in the last hour and fifty seven minutes.
Webb was alive, Harm was certain of it as he'd driven her to the hospital when he explained the messages he got with varying numbers that made no sense. He'd passed the intel to Bud and was waiting for an answer to the mystery.
Mac didn't respond to him, merely glanced out the window and pursed her lips as she tried to figure out how things were so out of control. Why did she ever involve herself with Clayton Webb? Why was he involving her now?
Did he fake his death to keep her safe? Did he love her? Was he coming back for her in some twisted knight-in-shining-armor moment? Would he try to take her away from Harm? Was there even a her and Harm anymore? Damn you, Clay.
Even from the grave the man had a way of coming between her and Harm and she let it happen. She let all of this happen instead of walking away, instead of saying 'no' when he had saught after her for that stupid mission.
Worst of all, she'd hurt Harm because of it and nearly got him killed between his stint in the CIA and their mele with Sadik Fahd. She bit her lower lip recalling the explosion at the parking lot at HQ that came from his car battery.
It had only caused dizziness and temporary hearing loss but could have been much worse. Harm could have lost his eyesight from the acid inside the battery. If it had been assembled better, the crude device could have killed him.
According to a CIA expert, it had been designed for a fatal blow, enough to make the car explode but, something went wrong. She had never told Harm that little fact, choosing to keep him out of the loop and finish the mess she started.
With a sigh, she looked up at him finding his intense gaze on the pixie haired doctor who was wrapping up the details of her follow up care. The man was such a source of irritation. One moment he acted like he hated her. The next, he was the selfless, doting boyfriend. It was giving her whiplash of the emotional variety.
But, damnit did she love him. And that was another source of irritation. He'd taken plenty of verbal shots at her and yet, she loved him. He could have taken her heart out with a paring knife and Mac was sure she would still love him. Why couldn't she shut that part of her off and let it him go? Why did it have to be him?
Because you were made for one another. Both of you are too stupid to see it. A voice inside said and Mac sighed again. "I'm sorry, Doc. What was that?"
"I'm going to set up your prescription for pain medication and get your release papers. Hang tight." The young doctor smiled at her patient, cast an appreciative glance at Harm before pulling the curtain and stepping away.
Mac shook her head. "She shouldn't bother. I can't take them anyway."
"Why? Oh." Her addiction. It dawned on him that he'd never seen her take anything when she was in pain. Not for a headache, not for her monthly ailments and not even when she'd been shot by the poacher unless it was part of her IV cocktail. "One can't hurt, right?"
She shrugged. "I'm not risking it. And it's fine." Whatever the nurse injected her with had taken the edge off the pain.
"Have you ever broken anything before?"
"Ribs after the accident with Eddie." She confirmed although most of that evening was a blur. Drying out in the desert had a way of erasing her teenage transgressions except for the look in Eddie's eyes that Mac couldn't quite forget. "I didn't take anything then either. Uncle Matt wouldn't allow it once I got out of the hospital. Even when it hurt like hell, he forced me to deal with it." Which is why she had a high tolerance for pain or pretended to. She tried not to take anything past aspirin or ibuprofen and that was only when necessary.
Harm stood from the chair he was seated at and stopped in front of her. She wouldn't look him in the eye and he knew it was something well deserved on his part. He'd been an ass; an irrational, idiotic ass and she didn't need that from him. "If Webb really is alive, I'm not going to stop you or stand in your way of finding him."
That got her attention and Mac's head snapped up to look at him. "You're not?"
"No. I'm not but, whatever you find, I'm going with you and then afterwards you need to make a choice." He'd thought about it on the flight over when he was still on the fence about this thing with him and Mac. He wanted her in his life completely but, if she chose Webb over him, then he would let her go. Only this time, he wouldn't stand by and watch on the sidelines. He would move on as well, request a new billet or resign altogether.
"A choice? What choice?"
He hated to offer Mac an ultimatum but, honestly couldn't continue this dance with her any longer. It was all or nothing. "Him or me."
"Harm…"
"No, Mac. I meant it. I'm not fighting you on it either, I just want you to be happy. If it's with Webb, so be it." He would learn to live without her even if it meant never loving someone again. "You have a right to he happy."
"Even if you're not?" Mac studied him for a moment and saw a sincerity in his eyes along with a sadness he couldn't repress. She wanted to take him in her arms and ease whatever misgivings he had over the spook but, she was still angry at him to do so. "You never listen when I speak do you?"
"Yes. No. What do you mean?"
Annoyed she sighed. "I do not want Clay." She said slowly, punctuating each word speaking to him as if he were a small child that needed to be minded. "I told you this when you came to my apartment."
Did she? Honestly, Harm really couldn't remember that day only that she had informed him that Webb was alive. She had said more, hadn't she? Mentioned that she loved him and wanted him - not Webb. He couldn't be sure anymore and Harm scrubbed a hand over his face. "Then why are you looking for him?"
"Because I owe him that much."
"Even if it's dangerous? Mac, you almost died because of him."
"Could you honestly tell me that you're not going to help him out after he reached out to you? I know you better than that, Rabb."
She had a point. He would bitch, piss and moan and still go in guns-ablazing trying to discover whatever truth he needed to find. His Superman complex wouldn't let him stand by idling if someone was in danger. "And I already made my choice." She grabbed a fistful of Harm's shirt and pulled him close enough to kiss. "It's you. I choose you. It will always be you."
"Even if he's alive?" When she didn't answer right away, Harm pulled her hand off of his shirt and took a step back. "You're going to feel like you betrayed him and this thing between us will die."
"Is that why you haven't wanted to be intimate with me?" His silence was answer enough. It's like Harm had been waiting for the other shoe to drop. The idea brought an ache to her heart.
"If he's alive, how are you going to explain us? We waited for him to die before we suddenly figured it out after nine years?" He folded his arms over his chest.
"You've given this too much thought."
"And you haven't?" It wasn't just the thought of them betraying her relationship with Clay. It was Harm's insecurity at how close they'd come in the past to only lose it all again. "What if he guilts you into staying with him?"
"I am not that weak or stupid."
"Isn't that how he got you into bed in the first place?" He hated being this honest with her but couldn't help himself. "Clay played on your weakness and your guilt at his being tortured for you."
"You're being a jerk again."
He was but he didn't care. "Maybe I am but, admit it… He used you, waited for me to be out of the way to pounce."
"And you didn't stop it." She challenged him.
"You didn't either."
"How could I? You ignored me for months."
"And you destroyed me with that never comment, MacKenzie." At his words Mac looked away, unable to meet his gaze any longer. She had hurt him badly, there was no excuse for it. "Don't have a rebuttal for that one do you?"
"No. I don't." She was wrong then and knew it from the moment she turned away from him in Paraguay. Only she was too stubborn to take it back and it wouldn't have mattered if she did. Mac had done the damage, hurt him badly and no amount of "I'm sorry's" could have fixed it.
"I didn't want to hurt you." She also didn't want to become that bitch that she had, acting erratically at work, surviving on emotions only - something that Mac wasn't accustomed to. She was the rational one, always had been and Paraguay had taken that away from her.
"I think I was going through some PTSD. Maybe I still am?" She said meekly, as if the admission cost her something. She didn't want him to know about that and had hidden her therapy sessions away from all of her friends save for Chegwidden who had ordered her to see the shrink.
Mac hated the experience and having to open herself up to a stranger but it had helped, somewhat. Only by the time Mac realized what had happened, it was too late. Her relationship with Webb had progressed to physical intimacy and Harm was otherwise occupied and clearly no longer interested in her life. She felt a tear slip out of her eyes as she cast them down to the linoleum floors. God, she fucked up bad.
"PTSD?" And just like that it all made sense to Harm, her actions, the push and the pull, her behavior that was so unlike her. He'd chalked it up to the death of their friendship and any other relationship they could have had. Harm never considered her trauma, she'd hidden it well from him and others, like a good Marine. She squared herself away and pushed forward, like a good Marine.
"I uh, saw a shrink after Sadik… Chegwidden ordered me to. I wouldn't have gone otherwise."
Harm swallowed hard. "Mac…"
"I almost fell off the wagon again, too… He got into my head so much. Clay left a glass of Cana… That's when I started sleeping with him. I needed to feel something more than… God, I don't even know. I regretted it almost instantly…I just couldn't stop." She hugged herself with her good arm and bit back a sob.
"Why didn't you come to me?"
"After what I said to you? I couldn't, I thought you moved on. You had Mattie and she needed you." Mac frowned knowing that Harm would have made time for her. Hell, he would have followed her to challenge Sadik if he'd been in better health. God, she hated leaving him behind that night.
"My relationship with Clay was a mistake… I know that now. My want to find him is because I owe it to him, nothing more. I don't love him, I thought I did but, I don't Harm, not the way that I love you." She reached a hand out and wrapped it around his wrist to pull Harm towards her.
"I don't feel for him what I do for you and I'm pretty sure no one will ever come close. Please, believe me." She sighed in relief when he kissed her. His hands gripped her hips as Mac's good arm snaked around him. "Don't think I am letting you off the hook so easily." Mac said against his lips.
"No, ma'am." He rested his forehead against hers and grinned.
Mac kissed him. "You owe me a weekend."
"Yes, I do."
"Maybe some flowers?" She kissed him again.
"Flowers, check."
Another kiss. "Dinner?"
"Anywhere you like, even if it breaks my wallet." This time Harm kissed her letting it linger a little longer than it should have given their current location.
"Anywhere?" At her mischievous grin knew he wasn't going to like her food choices.