A HELLSING FANFIC

DIANAPRINCE31

CH 16: Hotdogs! Hotdogs! Get Your Hotdogs!

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing.

Enrico Maxwell hated losing and yet he had found himself in a losing battle against his sworn enemy, Integra Hellsing. Every time he faced humiliation at her hands; whether it was kissing 'Gross Stewart' or being called a 'dirty priest' by a six-year-old girl because somehow he managed to get locked out of his hotel room naked. There had to be something that Integra was bad at, she couldn't be good at everything. So right now, against Father Renaldo's 'advice' he and the Iscariot Organization were having a meeting to find out what how Maxwell could defeat Integra.

"How about martial arts?" suggested one priest.

"If you saw what she did to his arm, then imagine what she can do with her whole body" said Anderson, which earned him a glare.

"I know, I saw the video you sent."

"Maybe a foot race?" said Heinkel, but Enrico shook his head, he did not feel like exercising.

"Well what doesn't she like, that you do?" asked Yumie quietly.

Maxwell rubbed his chin and then it hit him. A couple of days ago, a parishioner had introduced him to the wonderful world of hotdogs, they were juicy, they were made from only God knows what and they were delicious. He knew that Integra would probably not go near one, furthermore eat it.

"We'll have a hotdog eating contest!" exclaimed the crazed bishop, everyone else groaned, but Maxwell was on his way to his office to give Hellsing a call.

Hellsing Manor

Men were idiots, that's the thought that came to Integra's mind when Enrico challenged her to yet another stupid competition. Why could the Italian pissant just stay down like a good dog? He was always making an ass out of himself, but then whining about later. Enrico had a large ego, but yet it was so frail. Why she obliged him, many would ask. They were thinking maybe the two really like each and this was their way of courting each other. Anyone who knew Integra, knew that if she was going to marry a man, it had to be one like herself, not some spineless moron. A couple hours later Walter was helping Maxwell set up for whatever asinine competition he had in store. Then the idiot himself sauntered into her office to tell her the wager.

"The loser of the challenge has to go out on a date with Gross Stewart in a tube top and short skirt. And when the date is over, they have to kiss Gross Stewart" said Maxwell.

"I knew you and Stewart had a good time at that bar" replied Integra.

"I will make you eat those words."

When the two arrived to the living room, Integra could smell the stench of tube shaped mystery meat and it made her stomach sick.

"What the bloody hell is this?"

"This, protestant sow, is a hotdog eating contest. Whoever eats the most hotdogs wins."

Integra really wanted to punch the smug look off of the bishop's face. She would rather eat roadkill than a hotdog, at least one knew what the roadkill was. The knight was not going to go out on a date with Gross Stewart and kissing him was out of the question, but she also couldn't really imagine herself gorging on those disgusting tubes. She felt like she had to puke before the contest got underway.

Enrico smiled, "Pride goeth before the fall, Hellsing. For once I win. I hope you enjoy your date."

"Let's just get this over with."

Both contestants sat in front of a large pile of hotdogs, while Walter said; "The person who eats the most hotdogs in thirty minutes wins. Also the person must keep the hotdogs down, no upchucking on the rug, I just cleaned it. You may now begin."

Maxwell might as well been a racehorse in the gate because he started shoveling hotdog after hotdog into his mouth. Integra ate only half a hotdog before giving up, to Alucard, Seras, Pip and Walter's dismay.

"Sir, you're going to have to eat more than that to win" said Seras.

"I am not eating any more than that. This shit is pure disgusting! Who the hell eats this?"

Fifteen minutes in and Maxwell was not slowing down and it didn't help that the members of the Iscariot Organization was cheering him on, even Father Renaldo was smiling. For once they would beat Hellsing. Twenty minute in and Maxwell's stomach was now begging him to stop gorging, but his pride wouldn't let him, who knows at any second Integra could start eating and catch up to him and he would not let that happen. No matter what he had to win, Maxwell was not go to go out on a date with Gross Stewart, which would no doubt have an audience and end up online.

"Didn't know someone that skinny could eat like that" murmured Pip.

"This is terrible, my master will be forced to kiss that grotesque blob" growled Alucard glancing at Integra who hadn't eaten anymore. "I wanted to be her first kiss."

"Well that chance is gone" said Walter shuddering at the thought of Stewart pawing all over his employer and the mood she would be in for months after. "This was…waiting is she smiling?"

On Integra's face was a smug smirk as if she knew something was going to happen. The Iscariot members didn't seem to notice as they were too busy celebrating their first win. Finally time was up and Maxwell had eaten over forty hotdogs. "I…finally…defeated…" he didn't get to finish as the bishop blew hotdog chunks all over the table and the rug. He didn't puking until his gullet was empty.

"Oh dear Maxwell, it looks like you didn't eat anything at all."

"Wha…? I ate more than you!"

"You had to keep down and judging by the state of my living room, you did quite the opposite. Therefore you lose-again." Technically Integra may have eaten only half a hotdog but that was more than Maxwell had since he threw up all the contents in his stomach.

"You can't… do that!" sputtered Maxwell. "That was a technicality."

"I'll take that win, technicality or not" said Integra "And stop getting more vomit on my rug."

Before the Iscariot members left, Integra made them clean up Maxwell's barf and told them that they could keep the vomit stained rug. Several days later the entire Hellsing staff had a good laugh at Maxwell's date with Gross Stewart who proved that he was quite hands on. He didn't seem to care that Maxwell was a guy stating at one point on the date that he like Enrico's 'girly' hair. Renaldo thought that these ridiculous contests were getting out of hand and were very un-priest like and he told Maxwell that. For once Maxwell listened, he decided that petty competitions with the Hellsing commander was not a good idea, however pranks were still on the table and he would find a way to humiliate her.

Chapter End

Author's Note: I AM ALIVE! Sorry I haven't been posting as much. So many things happening at once. This chapter was not as physical as previous ones, but don't worry it will. I am typing up the chapter of Hellsing: Law and Order, when it will be posted I can't say, but hopefully soon.