I do not own any characters. They all belong to the amazing, soul tearing, and mind warping Bioware. Thank you for the reviews and loves! I really appreciate it! As promised, another chapter. Hope you enjoy this chapter! Rated M for language and lemons (coming very soon!).

Chapter 13

"How did you know he liked cats?" Hawke asked me we walked toward an empty guest room. He was walking with a bit of a smile, clearly more happy than when he first stepped into his room.

"I didn't," I muttered, disappointed I didn't have Captain Purr as a companion anymore. "His love for cats is kinda intense." I glanced behind my shoulder, keeping a lookout for any stray animals. It was weird not having a pet to cuddle here. I was so used to my Australian Shepard at home, Matey. She was probably missing me. The only dogs here were kind of ugly, or at least they were in game.

"Well, thank you. For making him so happy," he said, opening a door for me. "It makes me feel better knowing he has something there to be with him. I don't understand his love for cats either, but they mean enough that he left the Grey Wardens for one."

I stared at him in astonishment. "You make it sound like a love story."

"For him it is," he almost sighed. "If there is a cat in the room, I might as well not exist."

I laughed and stared at the abandoned guest room, nature trying to take over the stone. Don't they ever clean these rooms up? "Hey Hawke, what happens if Anders is found?"

Hawke shut the door and crossed his arms, looking at the floor. "I don't know. Varric assures me he won't let anything happen, but he's just one dwarf."

I nodded in understanding, glancing at the dirty furniture. "Personally, I feel like Skyhold might be the safest place for him." I sat on a chair, the dust rising in the air. "I totally understand wanting to keep it a secret though, it's just hard to do here in Skyhold. I can guaranteed Leliana probably already knows."

Hawke's brown eyes studied my face, trying to figure me out. I guess I was a puzzle to everyone. News flash peeps, I'm a puzzle to myself. This whole thing is a puzzle to myself still. "I don't care," Hawke's voice broke my thoughts and I came back to reality. "I don't care if Leliana knows. If it comes down to it, I'd do anything for Anders. Go anywhere. I just feel I'm needed here, with the Inquisition."

"I get that," I told him without thinking. I didn't realize just how much I did get that. Didn't I feel like I was needed here? Haven't I been toying with the idea of staying here with the Inquisition instead of finding a way home? Have I been hoping there wasn't a way home? A couple months away from home, yet it feels so much longer. I needed to decide on a decision soon.

"You do?" Hawke asked in surprise. "With Curly?"

Yes, I said to myself silently. I think? Captain King and Commander Cullen. Catchy. Focus, Kassy. "With everyone really," I replied. "I just feel like I have another home here." My blue eyes caught Hawke's dark ones and I sobered. "Can I ask you something kinda personal?"

Hawke raised his eyebrows. "Serious? Should I be sitting down for this?"

I shrugged, extending my hand to the empty chair by me. He strutted over, leaning his staff against the wall. "How did you deal with losing all your family?"

Hawke's expression changed to thoughtful. He cleared his throat and leaned his elbows onto his knees, clasping his hands. "Losing them was hard. Father was hard, but I had the others to lean on. Then Bethany died and soon after Carver. Mother wasn't herself after that. I tried to make her more comfortable, with the mansion. However, nothing could replace the twins. I was lucky, being able to keep my mind busy with adventures, eventually passing out from exhaustion. My mother wasn't as lucky. When she died, I felt all their deaths at one. I kept going though, but life was different. I had memories but I missed them. I still do." He glanced up from his hands.

"I made a new family. My friends became everything to me. I'd die protecting them, even though I had to kill one. Fenris had his beliefs and I thought he would have been more open minded to set them aside, but I was wrong. Now I still have Anders and Varric. The others keep in touch, but they are living their own lives."

I knew Hawke's family died from Sarah, but I didn't know the whole story. I'd have to find out later, but based on Hawke's voice, I feel exactly how he does. "I'm so sorry about your family," I told him, really meaning it. "I lost all mine too."

His eyes saddened glancing at me, and the mood of the room darkened. "How long ago?" His voice was raspy and I assumed he was holding back emotions.

"A little over two months ago," I told him, feeling the scratchiness in my own voice. "It's really hard," I admitted, hating the tears that pricked at the corner of my eyes. "One moment having them, taking them for granted, and the next being in a totally different place and no way of getting home." I wiped an eye, drying a stray tear. "I promised myself not to cry about it anymore."

Hawke moved to the edge of his chair and held my gaze. "You are allowed to cry. You have the right." I nodded letting a couple more tears fall. "You said you feel at home here, or like it could be. So, create your family here. Let them help you. In the end, the pain lessens. I wish I could say it goes away, but it doesn't."

I nodded, letting his words sink in. Create a family here. Wasn't that what I was already doing? "I'm trying to find a way back home. So far, Dorian hasn't found anything."

Hawke sighed and stood up, giving me a small smile. "It will all work out in the end."

I smiled back, nodding. "Thanks, Hawke."

He just gave a quick jerk of his head and let out a deep breath. "Ready to learn some blood magic?"

I felt the excitement within me grow. "Yes!" I exclaimed, standing up. "What do I have to do? Make some cool design on my hand and let it drip on my face? Smear it across my nose?"

Hawke stared at me with amazement and confusion. "You really aren't from here are you?"

I shook my head. "I just figured that is how it is." Hawke shook his head. "How wrong am I?"

Hawke grabbed his staff and looked me up and down. "Now I see why Curly didn't want you to learn blood magic."

"Besides it being forbidden and super dangerous?" I asked. "Cullen isn't my keeper, I want to learn this so badly!" I couldn't believe the panic in my voice as if he was going to take back his offer.

"Why?" Hawke asked with genuine interest. I was guessing because it's badass wasn't the right answer. Then again it was Hawke. "If you heard it's so dangerous and forbidden, why would you want to learn it? Why would you want to take on the consequences?"

I thought about this for a minute. Consequences? "I think I'll actually be good at it and I haven't really been good at anything since I got here." I shrugged and congratulated myself. Mental high five. "Plus it's fucking badass." Oops. Couldn't help adding that, could you Captain King?

Hawke laughed and nodded in understanding. "It is," he told me, a smirk on his face. "However, blood magic can become an addiction if done wrong. You need to find a balance. We have to be very careful. The temptation to take more is always there." Hawke's voice was threatening and dripping with caution. "It is a path you can't go back from. Do you understand that?"

The wheels in my head started to turn, making me think I might be making the wrong choice. There was something in me that told me I had to though. That it was the choice I should be making. What was that? How long has it been there? I closed my eyes trying to hear it and I knew that I could be a helpful blood mage. Didn't Solas say that blood magic didn't have to be bad? Dorian too. "I understand. I'll do everything you say and use it in moderation."

Hawke nodded, sizing me up before finally speaking. "We'll do a basic spell first." He rolled up a sleeve and took out a dagger, handing it to me. "Ready?"

I nodded, feeling the excitement and anxiety roll through me. I pushed up a sleeve like him and took the dagger from him. He started explaining the areas I would cut, using his other hand to trace where to cut. "The arm has the most chance of success besides the hand. However, we don't want to walk around with scabs on our hands all the time."

"So, you just have a bunch of scratches on your arm?" I asked in genuine confusion. So, maybe this wasn't as cool as I thought. I was starting to regret my decision. Hawke shook his head.

"We are going to let your blood soak into the staff, then when needed, you will use your blood. Sometimes it takes more blood than in the staff for more powerful spells." He gestured to my arm. "It's going to hurt, but you need to slit your arm. Deep enough so that your staff can collect a decent amount of blood." He took my staff from off my back and held it under my left arm. "When you're ready." His dark eyes were on me, the depths filled with unknown secrets.

My eyes flittered between my arm and my staff. Do it Captain. Let's go King! You've always wanted to know what it was like. You also wanted to know what it's like to be high, but you never smoked weed. I gripped the dagger tighter and readied myself. On the count of two. One….I bit my lip, extremely nervous and anxious. Two…now! I brought the dagger down, cutting into my arm and pulling it down. I held it there until the blood began to trickle down my arm and onto my staff. Hawke adjusted my arm so it dripped down, watching the blood collect on the orb of the staff before disappearing. Gross, but awesome!

After a few minutes, I started to feel woozy and I wanted to sit, not liking the sight of my blood dripping down. Hawke seemed to notice from the corner of his eye, but didn't say anything. "I think we collected enough," he told me before setting my staff aside. He led me back to the chairs and helped me sit before turning to the table in the corner of the room. He picked up a piece of cloth that I didn't notice earlier and gently grabbed my arm.

He tied the cloth tight, making sure to double knot it. He seemed satisfied with his work and smiled at me. "Congratulations," he announced. "You just did your first act of blood magic."

I grinned, cradling my arm. It stung were I cut it and I saw blood leaking through. I ignored it, glancing at my staff. "That was easier than I thought."

"Did you think you would have to do a dance or something?" Hawke asked, leaning against a wall.

"Sort of," I answered honestly. "I wouldn't be surprised if I had too." You did it. You are a blood mage. Oh my God. You're a blood mage! "I'm a blood mage," I whispered with a smile.

Hawke laughed and slapped me on my back. "Welcome," he grinned. "How are you going to tell Curly?"

I grimaced, feeling the excitement leave me. Shit. Didn't want to think about that! "With a smile?" I answered. "Honestly, I think that me and you should be the only ones that know about this. That man is important to me, but I shouldn't be ashamed of me or what I want to be. Even if that is blood magic." I shrugged. "He'll probably be upset, but when he finds out I won't deny it. That's not fair to either of us."

Hawke soaked my words in and he blinked a couple times before glancing down at his feet, then back up at me. "You're right," he agreed.

"I am?" I asked in surprise. That doesn't happen often, so awesome…I think…right? "About what exactly?"

"You shouldn't hide," he told me with confidence. He strutted to the door and turned to me. "Anders isn't going to hide here. I'm going to tell the Inquisitor he's here. If Curly and Seeker don't like it, I don't give a fuck." Hawke's voice was confident and his eyes pierced me. "Thank you, Captain." He froze before turning back to me. "Others won't understand how blood magic isn't all evil. However, when the voices start talking, come to me."

"You're welcome…I think," I replied as he marched out of the room, leaving me to myself. "Wait, voices?!" He was gone though, and I slouched in my chair. "One crazy mage that fell from a rift? Check. One crazy mage that blew up a chantry? Double check. Can I help you with anyone else?" I chuckled, knowing Cassandra and Cullen were going to be pissed. I should probably stay clear of them.

Grabbing my staff, I got up, glancing around the room one last time. Always thought I'd be in a forest or something when I became a blood mage. I guess abandoned dirty room works as well. I stepped out of the room, trying to decide where to go. I pulled my sleeve down, hiding the wound on my arm. I passed Anders and Hawke's room and noticed it was empty. He was really doing it. Good for them.

I snuck down toward the garden and sighed in contentment. It was peaceful in the garden. Nothing could seem to go wrong here. I continued toward the door that leads to the road to the tavern, admiring the flowers as I passed. In the game, I thought it was an endless fall. I didn't realize it was summer here and I assumed other seasons come as well. It's hard to tell when there's snow everywhere outside of Skyhold.

Humming, I opened the door, making my way to the tavern. A drink and some food before facing the drama between Anders and the world. I took my time, observing the people and plants around me. I stopped to bend down to smell a flower, racking my brain to figure out what it was called.

"Crystal Grace," a soft voice said behind me. I glanced over my shoulder, smiling at Cole.

"I always thought it was pretty," I told him. I turned back to the flower, softly touching its petals. "I always wondered what it would smell and feel like." I leaned forward again to smell the Crystal grace.

"It's very different here," Cole told me softly, sitting on the bench near me. I nodded, slowly standing to go sit beside him.

"I'm sorry if my thoughts confuse you," I replied, crossing my left leg over my right as I sat. I adjusted my lute and staff on my back so they weren't uncomfortable. Cole shook his head, his hat shadowing his face, hiding his expression.

"I like your thoughts," his soft voice assured me. "They are different, but in a good way. They are real and usually happy. I especially like the ones about your family. I never met someone who was so connected with their kin. It's a bright light here with all the dark thoughts. I'm sorry you miss them."

I stayed silent, knowing he knew what I was thinking. I thought of what Hawke said and about all the friends I have made here so far. "You brought Hawke Anders."

Cole nodded. "Emptiness. It's not the same without him by my side. Why can't they understand? Varric said he'd keep the secret. I should be with him. Neither of us should be alone. Fucking Templars."

I listened intensely, leaning forward. Cole stared at the ground, hands held together. "I couldn't let him be alone. I like to make people happy, and Anders was nearby. I helped."

"You have a big heart, Cole. I hope people appreciate the person you are," I said softly, leaning my shoulder against his. Cole stared up at me with awe.

"You think I'm human," Cole said astonished. His eyes were wide and I could see his face as he lifted into the sun. "I'm not though. I'll never be fully human."

I shook my head. "I don't believe that. In fact, I know you are."

His eyes were intense on me. "I know what you became today. I won't tell though. People thought I was evil, but I never wanted to be. I just wanted to help. But, I can't help make you happy if you don't tell me how."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of what would make me happy. An answer to how to get home. Can I get home? What do the others think of me? What does Cullen really think of me? The Inquisitor? I wish I could see my family again. Yes, that was it. Seeing my family again, even if I couldn't talk to them. Just seeing my parents' faces and my siblings. To let them know I loved them and will always love them no matter where I go.

"I'm sorry, Cole. I don't think you can." I opened my eyes, returning his stare. "And about the whole what I became today, do you mind keeping that on the down low? I don't want anyone chasing me with pitchforks."

"I will try," he said softly. "I will help you though. The forest, your home you think about often. It is peaceful." His voice was determined and I knew he probably would. I gave a small smile and nod, knowing that Cole would go above and beyond to make me happy. Hawke's words sunk in and I put my arms around Cole, feeling his body stiffen in surprise. His arms slowly lifted around me and I tightened my embrace.

"You're an amazing person, Cole. I'm thankful to have you in my life," I whispered in his ear.

"Confusion and worry. Also anger. How could she keep something like this from me?" I leaned back, looking at Cole in confusion.

His attention was behind me and I turned, trying to see who he was hearing. I was guessing Cullen or Cassandra. Cassandra was scary, but I knew Cullen would be the worse of the two to deal with. I swallowed hard, knowing that he would be angry I kept Anders a secret. Ugh. Why were men so complicated?! Why was Thedas so complicated? Why couldn't I just get answers?

"Kassy!" I heard my name called sharply from behind me. I let out a deep breath, slowly turning. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I knew that tone. That's the tone my mom would use, closely followed by my middle and last name. Kassandra Kay King, you watch your mouth! That was usually what she complained about.

"I should leave," Cole told me, standing up. I knew he probably wanted to avoid any confrontation. Innocent soul. I wish I could do the same.

Cullen was strutting toward us, commander mode in full swing. I watched the way his arms moved and his hair fall on his face. Even angry, he was handsome. A true commander.

"Strong. Fierce. The Lion King," Cole spoke and I blushed. Was that how he interpreted my thoughts? Did I just think that?

Cullen seemed taken aback but his posture never wavered. I guess he sort of was my lion king. Cole gave me one last look before departing, his long legs taking him away from earshot. You got this Captain. Keep cool. "Cullen."

His eyes narrowed a little as he stared me down. "You knew and you kept it from me?" He stopped in front of me, his arms crossed. Did he ever not wear his armor during the day? I remembered training and the way his shirt clung to him. So occasionally he didn't.

"What you on about Cullen?" I asked in my best Sadie impression. I learned from Sadie to always avoid confrontation with a bit of British style.

"Don't be coy. Anders." Cullen's tone was dark and I knew he was pissed. Sigh. Fine. Let's do this then.

I stood up and straightened my shoulders. "I wasn't aware I had to inform you on everything. It wasn't my place to say anything."

Cullen's eyes narrowed. Shit. This wasn't good. "It was if a mage who blew up the chantry was hiding in Skyhold."

"First off, I wasn't aware I had to report to you, at all. Second, he isn't doing any harm here. And third, based on what I heard from Varric, the Chantry was asking for it in Kirkwall." I shrugged my shoulders, waiting for the verbal attack. I could see in his posture he was upset. I honestly knew very little about Anders. Only the few pins and stories that Sarah told me. He seemed like a pretty okay guy. Based on the other games, the Chantry was full of pricks.

"As the Commander you do report to me. Also, Hawke and him have done a lot of damage in Kirkwall and I won't be surprised if they do so here." He took a step forward and I instinctively took a step back. Cullen looked as if I hit him, the anger leaving him. He seemed concerned but my quick temper was taking the best of me.

"My dad always told me not to talk to people in anger, because anger makes you say things you can never take back. So, I'll say two things: One, I report to the Inquisitor, not you. Two, people change Cullen." I swept a hand through my hair.

Cullen swallowed, looking up at the sky and then at the ground, hand on the back of his neck. "He is different. His mage-."

"Stop thinking like a templar, Cullen." I knew my words came out harsher than I wanted, but I was feeling very defensive for some reason. Maybe because I was a mage myself. Maybe because I now knew that he would never understand why I took on blood magic. How I thought I could make a difference with it. He didn't trust mages still, even if he accepted them.

"I'm not," he argued. "I just…. Maker's breath…" He took a breath and then glanced up at me again. "I'm sorry. I was upset. I just thought we were closer. That you would share information like this with me." His eyes went to where I was standing. "I clearly let my anger get the best of me."

I knew he probably felt that I was scared of him. What do I do? I thought through my options and knew that if I was playing Pathfinder, I would be going over to him and playing the seduction card. Here, I would do the attention card. Hopefully, it works and eases the tension between us. I broke the space between us, climbing over the bench toward him. His whiskey eyes glanced at me in uncertainty as I got closer.

I grabbed his hand in mine, loving the way how my hand felt smaller in his. With the other hand, I slowly moved it up his chest and toward his face, making sure he'd let me. Cullen's eyes stayed on my face as I watched my hand wander higher. My blue eyes met honey, and I felt the roughness of a day without shaving under my fingers. "What do you look like with a beard?" I tried picturing Cullen with a big blonde beard like Hawke's black one.

Cullen seemed surprised, but then laughter came from him. I never heard him full out laugh before. In game he chuckled, but never laughed like this. I couldn't help the smile that came to my face. He grabbed the hand that was on his face and brought it to his lips before tugging me toward him quickly and kissing me fiercely.

I felt my breath leave me and I matched his passion, wanting to do so much more than just kiss this man. It's been a while for Captain King. Can you blame a girl? When kissing the Commander was just so….hot?

I moved my other arm up around his neck, leaning into him, feeling the hard armor against me. Damn you armor! Our kiss intensified and I opened my mouth more, letting his tongue enter. My hands held the back of his neck, his kiss forcing me to go on my tip toes. That was one of my favorite things about kissing Cullen. Having to stand on my tip toes. I hated being so tall, and with him, I didn't feel self-conscious about that at all.

I heard him groan and I smiled, giggling, hating that I broke the kiss. The giggle came from nowhere, but I realized I was kissing a video game character. A character, until a couple months ago, I thought was fake. And now here we were, kissing very publicly I might add, in the middle of Skyhold. Too good to be true or just luck? I needed to know that answer!

Then again, I made Cullen groan. In a good way, not an exasperated way. I did this and that was for some reason, funny to me. That I could do that. "What?" He asked against my lips.

I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. "Are you done working for the day?"

Cullen raised an eyebrow at me, grinning, running a hand down my arm. His smile disappeared when he touched the bandage on my arm and he pulled it down to look at it. Oh shit! Damn! Here we go. I wasn't expecting to do this fight right now, but let's do it. Because it will be a fight. He isn't going to like this one bit. At least I can always treasure those brief make out moments. Cullen's eyes flittered between my staff and my arm. "What did you do?"

I swallowed, making sure my voice would sound confident. Cullen wasn't my keeper. "Had an accident. No big dea."

Cullen's eyes narrowed and I dropped my arms from his neck, but he grabbed the bandaged one. "Hawk isn't teaching you blood magic is he? Kassy, you don't understand what this man could have happen. He started-."

"He helped win a war. For rights. Mage rights. I know. There are so many stories flying around Skyhold about the man." I kept my face stern, channeling Captain King. This is your life. Your new chapter. Your new home. "And I am considering it. If done in moderation, it really isn't that bad."

"You are considering it? Considering it?!" He made sure the words were said very forcefully before he ran a hand through his hair. "Maker's breath, Kassy! Why?"

"Cullen, it's not bad if used in the right way. I don't have any other skills going for me, I might as well do what I feel I'll be great at." I tugged my arm away and sighed. "I'm not going to do any weird demon shit."

"Exactly. They created ritual bindings with blood magic. This isn't fun and games. This is very serious magic. Magic that makes people wary of mages." Cullen's hand movements were large and he was starting to raise his voice.

"I know, Cullen. Is that what you think I've been doing here? Fun and games? Learning to use a sword for fun? Going into the fade for fun? Being judged by someone who is supposed to not be suspicious or judge me, for fun?" I felt the anger tears building in my eyes. Don't you dare do it! Don't do it! "I am considering blood magic. I know you had horrible things happen with it in the past, but what if it can help our cause?"

"Help our cause? How?" His jaw was clenched as he spoke. "You don't understand what I saw in the circle. The people, my friends." He took a deep breath. "Blood magic can do only horrible things. It always ends in disaster. No good can ever, EVER, come from it. You weren't there. You wouldn't understand."

"I understand Cullen," I said forcefully. "I know what blood magic can do. I know what happens. I might not have been there, but where I am from, we don't need blood magic for people to do just as heinous actions. We have guns, which I know you don't know what they are, but it is just as bad as blood magic." I shook my head. "In fact, there is no coming back from using those. Don't underestimate what I have seen and known for people to be capable of. However, I know that people can use guns for good too. To help protect and fight for their beliefs and family."

"You aren't in America. You are in Thedas." His tone was full of warning. "Here magic is something you need to have watched and monitored."

"So, if I ever decided to do blood magic, that's it for us. We're done. You send me away?" I put my hands on my hips. "Or am I already on watch because I have magic in general?"

"I don't know what I would do if you did blood magic," he replied honestly. "However, I know that you would regret it. It will take you over."

I shook my head. "That isn't how it works."

"It is," he insisted. "It is and you shouldn't even be thinking about it. This isn't make believe. This is reality."

I stared at him with an open mouth. "Wait? This is reality? I'm sorry, Cullen. Let me return my princess crown and dress and tell the Inquisitor I didn't realize I wasn't playing pretend!" My breathing got heavier with my anger, Cullen's increasing as well. "I fucking know what this is Cullen. This is my life now. This is what I have to make do with. In my life, MY LIFE, I call my own shots. I'm sorry if you don't think I haven't thought through consequences or constantly do reality checks. I am aware, painfully aware, that this isn't a game. That this is war and I somehow am now a part of helping it."

"How do you know all the information to help us anyhow? Is blood magic a part of the secrets?" Cullen's eyebrows furrowed and his arms crossed over his chest.

"What!?" I asked, holding a hand to my head. What just happened? I took a deep breath and thought this over. He couldn't know I did blood magic. That I plan to continue using it. "I know you might not agree with my choices, but you know me. Do you think me capable of ever using demons to hurt you?"

Cullen studied me. "For the right reason, maybe." His anger seemed to be fading. "Most likely, no."

"Then, why are we fighting? Why can't you just trust me to know what I'm doing, like I trust you to make your own decisions."

His eyes softened and he crossed his arms. "Such as?"

"Lyrium," I said softly. Cullen looked taken aback and he blushed. I tucked hair behind my ear and he reached out to catch a stray strand.

"You're right," he told me. "I trust you. You've been only honest with me." His hand cupped my cheek and I reached up to hold his hand on my face. I gave a half smile, leaning forward to kiss him. He kissed me softly, the heat from earlier gone, now just a peace and comfort hanging around us.

I stepped back, grabbing his other hand to lead him to come sit on the bench with me. "So, like I was asking before."

Cullen chuckled and sat next to me, letting me lean my head on his shoulder. "Unfortunately, the work never stops."

I sighed in my mind, knowing that he really, honestly was busy. I should be packing and getting ready for tomorrow. Off to the Hinterlands. I sighed, glancing at Cullen from the corner of my eye. He was quiet, just sitting there, holding my hand, and observing the world around us. It felt wonderful to be leaning against Cullen's shoulder, happy to just be by each other.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Anders," I apologized softly, my voice almost a whisper. I knew we weren't arguing anymore, but I felt a little guilty for some reason. It's a curse that I always have had. Even when I know I did nothing wrong, I feel guilty. I have a love hate relationship with when my guilt kicks on. It was never there when I cheated on diets.

Cullen shifted and I felt his arm go around my shoulder, and I was against his chest. I turned my face to look up at him. He was already looking down at me and his half smile made my heart beat faster. I put a hand on his chest as we he smiled at me and I felt a little self-conscious. Why was he smiling at me? What was going on? "Why are you smiling?" My other hand went to my face with instinct, the usual cause for someone laughing because something on my face.

"You just keep surprising me," he answered. I raised an eyebrow. "You just happen to say things I never expect."

I laughed. "You're surprised that I apologized?" I laid my head on his chest again. "Dude, you are in for a lot of surprises."

"Dude?" Cullen sounded amused. I nodded, knowing that this moment would be ended all too soon. I felt him lift my hand and I watched him fidget his fingers. "I'm sorry for assuming you were doing magic for entertainment."

I almost laughed out loud, but knew this wasn't the time. I was getting better with conversation etiquette. "I almost forgot you said that until you reminded me," I joked, chuckling a little. "I guess I can find it in myself to forgive you, Commander." I squinted up at him. "Just don't do it again."

Cullen laughed, lifting my hand to his lips, and kissing it again. I felt the butterflies in my stomach and I felt a strange pull towards this man. Something about this man made me feel okay here. Besides Dorian, he was the one that helped me feel like I could survive here. They saw through me to what I really am. Cullen knows I wasn't really a Captain, but he somehow made me one and forgave the past.

Hawke was right. Eventually you find someone and they feel like home to you. Was Cullen the one that could make me feel that? That could help lessen the pain of missing my home and family? Would I be able to stay with him if given the chance? Would I choose him over going home?

I felt a guilt in my gut, knowing that the answer to that last question could easily be a yes. I would miss Cullen, with every fiber of my being if I went back home. Back to the ordinary life I had. Back to the world where Cullen was only a dream. Even if Cullen offered to go with me, I knew he wouldn't last there. Everything was too advance for him. At least I have some knowledge of here.

His knuckles were gently tracing my jaw and I closed my eyes, smiling softly. Yes. I would do anything for this man. I loved him. Wait…what? Slow that down Kassy. It's only been a couple months of knowing the man. There is no way you could love him. Could there? I opened my eyes, wanting more than anything to have clear decisions and answers. Life here was complicated and there was no Dad to turn to for helping me with my decision.

"I don't mean to interrupt," a cool voice said and Cullen and I jumped. Cullen's hand dropped from my face and Solas looked between the two of us with amusement. "I just wished to speak with the Captain about going home. I think I found an answer."

I felt Cullen stiffen, and I spied him frown slightly from the corner of my eye, his face slowly slipping into Commander mode. "What did you find?" I asked, slipping toward the edge of my seat, eyes on Solas. A way home? Finally?

"Perhaps we could discuss this in private," Solas suggested, gesturing to a bench on the other side of the area.

I shook my head, knowing Cullen would want to know what Solas found out. I turned to Cullen who was sitting taller and straighter than before, eyes intensely on Solas. "The Commander will find out anyhow," I replied, wanting Solas to spit out the answer. Keep cool, Kassy. Just two minutes ago, you were thinking that you were staying with Cullen regardless. What is so different now? That it might be a very real possibility?

Solas nodded, straightening his shoulders. "I decided to do some studying in the Fade since you were hurt. I wanted to know how you made a rift so large and if you could create one to get you back home." He took a deep breath, his voice smooth and flawless. He never seemed to trip over his words and he always seemed to know what he wanted to say.

"That being said," he moved his arms in front of him. "I found something rather unfortunate. I discussed this with Dorian as well, seeing if my theory was correct." His eyes, which were already almost puppyish, looked at me with pity. Well…shit. I already knew what he was going to say. "I'm sorry, Captain. Unfortunately, what I found out was, that in order to go back, it would have to be through the same rift."

I nodded in understanding, tears pricking my eyes. Cullen's voice was strong in the silence. "Why is that unfortunate? We just go back to the rift and she can be on her way." His eyes focused on Solas, his hand slipping into mine.

"The Inquisitor closed the rift as soon as the Captain fell from it," Solas informed Cullen. Cullen's grip was tighter.

"So, we reopen it. Haven't you reopened rifts before?" His tone was now in Commander mode and his stare intense on Solas.

"We were able to reopen rifts that were frozen. The Inquisitor closes the rifts for good when using her anchor. Therefore," his puppy eyes were on me now.

"I'll never be able to go home," I whispered in understanding. Tears were welling in my eyes and I begged for them not to fall. Get your act together Kassy. Keep strong now, and you can cry later in private. I promise, you can go straight to your room and cry once you are done talking. Maybe my crazy fade powers can open a rift home.

"Dorian feels the same," Solas told us. He gave me an apologetic look. "I thought perhaps you may be able to create a rift yourself, but Dorian pointed out that you are only able to open rifts to the Fade, not other dimensions."

I felt my heart sink a little more as he spoke, extinguishing my hopes of maybe ever getting home. This was for real. I was stuck here. It wasn't just hypothetical anymore. It was reality. Welcome to Thedas, Kassy.

"There isn't any other way of her being able to see her family again?" Cullen's voice was forceful, as if he wasn't happy with the answers he was receiving.

"Not that I know of," Solas answered. I rolled my eyes. Solas would know. He is a god after all.

I swallowed hard, fighting the tears. They weren't falling yet, and I hoped they wouldn't until I got to the privacy of my own bedroom. "Thanks, Solas." My voice was a bit croaky from trying to restrain my sobs. Solas gave a quick sad smile, before heading back toward the direction of his study.

The bench under me felt very hard now, and I sat still, frozen on the bench. I felt Cullen's hand still holding mine, and it was like the moment we shared just disappeared. The magic gone within five minutes. I stared at the ground, the flowers a focal point to be lost in. My mind began to be absent as I just stared at the same square of garden for what felt like hours, though I knew it was only a couple minutes.

"Kassy," Cullen spoke softly. I blinked a few times, coming out of my trance. I felt a tear escape an eye and I wiped it away quickly.

"Hmm?" I asked with a fake smile, trying to pretend everything was okay. It would be okay. It had to be okay. I would make things okay. I knew there was always a chance of this happening, but now it seems so…final.

Cullen gazed at me in concern, and I knew he wanted to talk about this. I wanted to talk to him, but I knew I needed to digest this first. Needed to realize that…that…oh shit. Stop. Get to your room. "I…," my voice cracked and I felt another tear escape. Okay. Book it to your room. Don't do it in the open. "I'll be…I have to go."

I practically jumped from the bench, my hand leaving Cullen's. I fast walked to the stairs that led to the main hall of Skyhold. I jogged up the stairs, accidently bumping into a stranger on the way. I continued without apologizing, knowing I needed to hurry and cry this out. My chest was aching and straining. It felt like there was a buildup, like the beginning of a panic attack. I gripped my dragon claw necklace, racing past Solas as I left the door open behind me to his office and the ramparts behind me . Almost there.

I rushed into Cullen's office, relieved that I was only a little bit away from my room. Soon I'd be there. A recruit was waiting by Cullen's desk and he glanced up at me in surprise. I didn't even wave as I began going toward the door to my room. His eyes went past me and I heard Cullen's voice before I saw him.

"There you are, Commander Cullen," the recruit said. So, Cullen followed me. I didn't know how I felt about that.

"I won't be taking anymore reports today," he informed the recruit. "They will have to wait until the morning. You are dismissed." The recruit nodded their head and set his report on Cullen's desk.

"Yes, Ser," the recruit responded, stepping out of the room without looking behind him. I started to open the door, ready to sneak out before Cullen notices, but Cullen's hand on my arm stopped me.

"Talk to me," Cullen gently ordered. I felt torn between wanting to cry to him, or just do it in privacy. It was odd having someone that wanted to be there while I cried. I was typically a loner when dealing with my anxiety and tears. I didn't want anyone else to know my weaknesses. That I have them. Only my parents really understood what I felt, and that was when I called them with chest gripping panic attacks.

This wasn't a panic attack though. This was grief. I know I cried before over the loss of my family, but this time it was final. This time it was for certain, that I would never be able to be with my family again. That I would never hug my parents or joke around with Liam. I would never be able to ask advice from my older sisters or hear silly stories from Sadie. I would be…alone. Completely family alone, without being able to call my dad for advice or mom for help. What were the last things I said to them? Last conversations? Making the choice to stay would have been a far different feeling than having no choice.

So, do I show Cullen this side of me? He's seen it before, well, an extent of it. I studied the hand on my arm, and felt my chest tighten more. If it wasn't him here, I'd be crying to Dorian probably. He was here. He followed me. He cared.

I glanced up at his face then, and his honey eyes sparkled with concern. "Kassy?" The sound of my name broke me and I leaned into his chest, crying. The metal from his armor, hitting my cheek rather hard from impact. I didn't care though. I needed to cry out this moment so I could move on. His arms went around me and I felt my chest heave a little more, hating that I couldn't stop this crying. That I would have to let it take its course.

Cullen just held me for a few minutes in silence, and I wonder if he felt awkward. I shifted my cheek, able to contain the sobbing now. I hit his armor just right and felt the bruise forming on my cheek from leaning so hard against his chest. I reached a hand up, rubbing my cheek and almost started laughing. My emotions were a bit crazy right now. I knew if I kept crying against his armor I was going to A: rust it, and B: bruise my face more. I leaned away from his chest, taking a step back, still rubbing my cheek.

"I'm sorry," I hiccupped, sounding worse than I intended. Cullen wiped away some tears from my face, and I flinched when he touched the bruised part of my cheek.

"Did I hurt you?" He asked in concern and I shook my head with a bit of a laugh.

"More like your armor. I knocked into it with a bit too much force," I told him, sniffling a bit. I looked up at him and he was staring down at my cheek and then at his armor.

"I'm not used to comforting people," he informed me, his hands leaving me. I felt a bit disappointed as I watched them go to his armor. Wait….he was taking off his armor?

"What are you doing?" I asked him, his focus never leaving his armor. He was unbuckling the other shoulder of his chest piece.

"Taking my armor off," he said matter of factly. I shook my head and almost rolled my eyes.

"I know that, but don't you have other things to do? What will people think if the Commander goes to a war council meeting without his armor?" My voice tried to convey teasing but the croakiness made it sound almost awkward.

"I don't have any more meetings today," he told me taking off his arm piece. "Something more important came up. I can deal with the other matters in the morning."

I moved toward him, sitting on the edge of his desk, watching him take off his other arm piece. He took off his robe and set it on the chair by the desk. "You shouldn't take the rest of the day off. I'll be fine. You said that you were really busy earli-."

"Captain," Cullen interrupted with gentle force. He was in a plain white linen shirt now and I felt my heart beat faster, intimidated suddenly. Okay…so feeling hot and bothered. Then I remember why I was crying.

"You shouldn't take off the rest of the day. I know you have a lot of things to do and I don't expect you to drop everything," I told him. I glanced down at my boots, covered with dirt. I held on to my necklace, trying to focus on not wanting to cry again.

Cullen walked toward me. His steps determined. Our eyes locked and he never broke the connection as he grabbed my hands. "I don't know how to do this. Comforting. However, I know what it's like to lose people close to you. Let me comfort you."

I never knew a guy to care that much. To cancel the rest of his day to just be there for me. I jumped off the desk, throwing my arms around Cullen in a tight embrace. "Thank you, Cullen."

Cullen put a hand to my head, holding it to his chest. There was a knock on the door and I felt Cullen sigh in frustration. "Apparently no one understands what no reports means." He let go of me, going toward the door. "I'll only be a moment."

I watched him go to the door and I felt my body wanting to sit down somewhere. Cullen opened the door and stepped out of the room, and I knew he was being considerate toward me. He knew I didn't want people seeing me cry. I glanced around for a place to sit and the ladder to his loft caught my eye. Without hesitating, I went to the ladder, climbing it slowly.

My stitches strained slightly when I reached up to grab the next rung but I kept going, wanting to be out of sight if anyone did come in. I reached the top and did a mental high-five to myself. The room was different than I pictured. You see it in game, but in reality, the room was a haven. The way the light shown down on the bed, made you feel safe.

I set down my staff and lute, walking toward the window. The mountains were amazing from here and I closed my eyes as the breeze blew through the window on my face, drying some tears. Tears were still gently falling down my face, but the need to sob was gone, replaced by soft hiccups. I glanced at the unmade bed and I smiled thinking about how last night he was in my own.

How could I feel this way about someone I only knew a couple months? How can someone make somethings feel like I'm going to be okay? How is it that even though I just found out, I would never see my family again, I knew if he was there I would survive? Is that creepy? Is that too fast? Does he feel the same way? Why would he feel the same way? Was he my Anders?

I thought of my parents and knew that my dad would say that time isn't anything. If you feel a certain way, act on it. Then he would say no more tears on him. He had a lot of those conversations with me. "Kassy Kay, if I ever die, make sure to make yourself someone others want to be. Not money wise, but personality wise. Don't focus on your grief, focus on life. That is what I want from you. If any daughter could do this, I know it's you Kass."

I felt a fresh wave of tears come to my cheeks and I laughed out loud. Dad was right. I was his daughter. I could do this. I needed to lift my chin and focus on the life I was in now. I felt a tug in my chest and I glanced over at my lute. I'd be strong later. Right now, I needed to grieve and I knew if I picked up that lute, I'd start bawling.

I heard the door shut below and I knew Cullen would be climbing up the ladder soon. I reached down to tug off my boots, wanting to have my feet free. I flexed my toes as I wiped an eye and crawled to the top of the bed. Hugging a pillow to my chest.

Cullen's hair started to show and I ran a hand through my hair, as he stood at the top of the ladder. His eyebrow was raised as he took in the image before him. Me with my bare feet on his bed. Then I realized, he probably never had a woman in this room…at least I hoped he hadn't.

"We won't be disturbed for the rest of the day," he informed me, heading to the bed. I nodded, hoping he didn't find this weird.

"I needed a pillow," I replied, knowing that it was the stupidest answer I could give. He chuckled and sat next to me, and I put the pillow aside. He wrapped an arm around my waist as I leaned my head against his shoulder. His hand knocked my stitches and I gasped in pain. "Stitches," I said threw clenched teeth, knowing the sting would leave soon.

Cullen glanced down, and I saw his frown. "Maker's breath, I just keep injuring you today, don't I?" He moved his hand, but I grabbed it, putting it back.

"Not on purpose," I assured him. I snuggled into his chest, loving the way he smelled and felt. I was safe here with him. I might have my woes, but I was safe with him. I wish Dad was able to meet Cullen. Meet the man who I hoped I would spend the rest of my life with…wait…what? Did I just think that? Too fast? Dad would never be able to meet Cullen. Neither would Liam. He would have been amused with Cullen. Too serious, he would say, but I knew he could be silly if he wanted. With only two little sisters, Liam was extra protective of us. He always said, he thought whomever I ended up with would end up being one of his good friends or worst enemy. I felt the wetness on my cheeks and knew I was crying again.

"Tell me about your family," Cullen said softly into my hair, his chest vibrating from his voice. I grabbed his hand, calloused from years of training.

"I have three older sisters," I began, my voice scratchy. "My older sister Brynn has three kids all boys, my other Rosie has one little girl, and Kate has a boy and was expecting a little girl in a month." I started playing with the fabric of his shirt. "My older brother is Liam. He's very protective of me and my little sister, but me more for some reason." I looked up at Cullen with a smile. "He would have liked you."

Cullen chuckled and his scar twitched. "The way you make him sound, I'm not so sure I'd want to."

"He's not that intimidating," I teased. "At least not for the Commander."

Cullen smiled. "Even I get intimidated."

"Doubt it," I told him. "Everyone is intimidated by you. I was when I first met you." Cullen blushed and I decided to not make him any more uncomfortable. "Then there is my little sister Sadie. She's my best friend. I go to her for everything. Problems. Stories. Boys." I felt the lump in my throat and I knew those damn tears would be coming. "Growing up, we did everything together, even though our personalities were so different. She was the one person that sort of understood what I was going through. That really knew what I meant when I said something." The hotness from my tears where rolling now. "Unless you have a bond like that with a sibling, you don't understand what you are missing. Or how you took that friendship for granted."

I sniffed, and knew that talking about Sadie would be hard. I loved all my siblings, but Sadie and I, we were invincible even when we were arguing. She was my therapist and I was hers. We talked about everything. I kept trying to clear my face of the tears, but they just kept coming.

"If you'd rather not talk about them, I understand," Cullen whispered to me. I bent my head to look up at him. His whiskey eyes on my bloodshot grey. I studied him. His curly hair was messed up a little and his face was soft with concern as he studied my face. I reached up to stroke his cheek, his five 'clock shadow prickly against my fingers. His other hand grabbed it and locked it in his own. Was this what it felt like in a relationship. My other ones never felt this way. I never pictured Cullen being this way in a relationship. Soft and careful.

"It's only my parents left really," I told him. "How interested are you in them?"

Cullen's focus went down to my necklace. "Very," he answered, his tone low and full of interest. He let go of my hand to study my necklace more carefully. "When you were hurt and the Inquisitor gave me this necklace, I couldn't help wondering about the person who gave it to you." Golden eyes were on me. "Who could the man be that made this woman that sacrificed herself for practical strangers, for a cause she barely knew?" He took a deep breath. "Who was the person that raised her to think that her last action before dying would be to give a man she barely knew, a necklace that is very precious to her?"

I stared in wonderment at Cullen, not knowing what to say. I never thought about what I did was the result of Dad and Mom. "That was most likely my parents." I smiled at the thought of my parents and their relationship. "My parents are my relationship goal. They knew they were meant for each other at a young age. My dad even told my mom that he was going to marry her one day when they were thirteen." I laughed a little. "They did, and they give so many sacrifices for each other without even thinking about it. They just are each other's halves. Each other's home." I thought about Mom and Dad singing together on the guitar. "Thirty-one years they have been together, and they love each other more than when they first met."

Talking about Mom and Dad was going to be hard, but I knew that talking about them would help. Cullen should know the people that made me who I am. "My mom is the prettiest woman I ever met. She never seemed to age and she is the epitome of class and beauty. I always tried to be like her. I dressed like her, tried to do my hair like her, and even practiced my handwriting to be like hers. Over the years though, she helped me discover the type of personality I have and the woman I am. She taught me to love literature and to embrace the creativity in me no matter what others think."

I felt the words getting harder, knowing talking about Dad would be one of the most difficult ones. "Dad. Well Dad is the most amazing man I know. He was the person I went to for any advice or guidance. I am proudly a Daddy's girl." I chuckled and thought of Dad. "He was the most selfless human being I have ever met. He would do anything for his family. Family first was his motto. He also taught us to be more than what others perceive. To be the person you read about in stories. To be the heroes in our own lives, no matter what it takes. Work hard and follow your own moral compass." I took a second to take a deep breath.

"I always thought my mom was the romantic one, but I realize my dad was. He was the one to tell us to follow our hearts no matter what society or anyone else says. To do what makes you happy and to not worry about the big picture, just worry about now." I knew talking about them anymore would make me sob again and I did not want to go back to that.

Cullen looked toward the window thoughtfully. "I never heard someone talk about family the way you do." He leaned his head against the headboard, his gaze on the ceiling above him now. "I think I want that someday."

"You will," I assured him, also peering at the sky through his broken roof. I put a hand to his chest and turned my body toward him, so I could see him better. "Thank you, Cullen. For listening. Even if you didn't particularly want to hear it. I don't do the whole grief thing gracefully."

Cullen's eyes flickered to mine as I spoke and he didn't seem embarrassed or resentful. For the first time, neither of us were stumbling when we talked to each other like we usually do. "I enjoyed getting to hear about your family. I hope that one day you find a man that competes with your father."

I shook my head. "Why do you say it that way? You don't think you compete?" I sat up, crossed legged on the bed, facing him with confusion. Doesn't he know how I felt? If anyone could compete with my dad, it would be Cullen.

"I know I don't," he said with certainty. "You deserve someone who…who…," his eyes darted around the room trying to find the right words. "Who make you want to sing a song about them."

I watched him run hand through his blonde curls and all I felt was confusion. Was he trying to give me a hint? I thought about Dad and what he would tell me to do. Pick up that guitar and sing. Sing the first song that makes you think of him.

I crawled to the edge of the bed, not looking back at Cullen and reached over to grab my lute from the floor. I wiped my eyes and nose with my sleeve quickly, knowing Dad and Mom would want me to stop crying and to live in the now. Live the life I have laid here. Keep what was important close to me.

Hawke was right. You never know who you find as family and home until you lost both. I arranged myself on the edge of the bed so that I could hold the lute easily while I played. I started strumming chords, not thinking about what song I would play. I knew it would find me. I closed my eyes and soon, I was playing the introduction to Feels like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk.

I opened my eyes as I began to sing, wanting to focus on Cullen. He watched me curiously and his eyes were dark. "Something in your eyes, makes me want to lose myself. Makes me want to lose myself, In your arms. There's something in your voice, Makes my heart beat fast. Hope this feeling lasts, The rest of my life. If you knew how lonely my life has been. And how long I've been so alone. If you knew how I wanted someone to come along, And change my life the way you've done.

"It feels like home to me. It feels like home to me. It feels like I'm all the way back where, I come from. It feels like home to me. It feels like home to me. Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong." I switched from glancing at the chords to his face, not knowing the chords by heart on guitar, let alone the lute. I felt the bed shift and Cullen grabbed my lute from me and I swallowed hard. Was he stopping me because he didn't feel the same way or….

"I still have half the song left," I told him, watching him set my lute on the other side of the bed. His stare was intense as he glanced my way again. "Obviously, you don't feel the same way I prob-." I was silenced by an aggressive kiss and I wrapped my arms around his neck, as his went to my waist. I rearranged myself so I was on the bed better, wanting to get closer to him. His hands were starting to go under my shirt, gently stroking the skin and I gasped again when his hand once again accidently hit my stitches. Cullen froze at my gasp and I groaned. "Apparently we are going to have to wait until this heals again to do anything hot and heavy."

"I….I'm sorry," Cullen apologized. A hand went to his neck. "I somehow keep hurting you today."

I shook my head with a smile. "Cullen, stop apologizing."

His lip twitched and his honey eyes went to my face. "Did you mean that song?"

I leaned forward to place a kiss on his lips. "Every word." He deepened the kiss and I laughed against his lips. "Do you…do you feel the same?"

Cullen pushed the hair from my face. "I have from the beginning. Honestly, I couldn't keep my eyes off you, but we've only just met." He smiled and I felt the butterflies in my stomach. Focus Kass. Focus. "Somehow, I've always known you were my home, I was just too stubborn to admit it."

I felt the heat of his words shoot through me and tears came to my eyes. "So, the Commander does do feelings," I teased.

Cullen rolled his eyes, wrapping me in his arms and laying me back on the bed against his chest. "Oh, shut up and let me hold you."

I didn't argue with that! How could I say no? I adjusted my face against his chest, feeling the weight of my eyelids grow heavy from the crying. I was so tired though. I started to drift into sleep, not able to keep my eyes open any longer.

Maker's breath, I forgot to pack for tomorrow. I guess I was waking up early….ugh.