Maker's Breath

by mythicalbard

Kassy was just an ordinary gamer, who was obsessed with Dragon Age, Dragon Age Inquisition to be exact. She never expected to be apart of that world, except through her cosplay group. When she was transported to Thedas, she realizes all the characters were real. Now she has to find a way home, try to fit in with this world, and catch the commander's eye. Slow burning romance.

24. Chapter 24

I do not own any characters. They all belong to those people that made the characters and work at Bioware. Love to my beta reader Eruya. Loving the song suggestions, reviews, follows, and favorites! You guys are amazing! Will be updating more frequently and plan on doing a Holiday chapter coming this weekend! Hope you enjoy this chapter! Rated M for language and lemons.

Chapter 24

If I thought that this would be easy, I was very wrong. If I thought that life could be what it used to be, I was very wrong. I never thought that there was a pain worse than what I endured with the Qun, but lyrium withdrawals have proven otherwise. Anders was right, the withdrawals were going to kill me. I was a different person since the boat. I was almost crazy. And yet, I have yet to use a mirror. To see the physical damage done as others do.

I glanced down at the body that I hardly recognized. I was used to seeing more of me and I was thinner and less muscle. All those months of training, gone. I would have to train hard and long to even get halfway to where I was. I wanted to hold a sword, but Anders told me to take it slow and that training wasn't an option. I would have plenty of time later. Once I was mentally and physically healed. I had to wonder though, does one mentally recover from what happened? I was forever going to be a Saarebas. A slave to the Qun. Even if I was mostly the woman I used to be, a part of my mind will remember the Qun and the words they preached to me every day. They were branded there, forever.

The physical damage done didn't help. Forget how my body looked, the scars and the ugly bruises. I couldn't walk very far without getting winded. I couldn't hold books for long, let alone a sword. I was officially useless. I never was a warrior or the star student, but I at least could hold my own and made great strides from when I first started. To be seen as weak, hurt. To be pitied was frustrating, and to see the side glances was infuriating.

I sat on the boulder near camp, holding the mirror that Isabela gave me. She told me to look in private, without an audience. I couldn't do it though. I was a coward. No matter what others say, I am not brave. A brave person would take a deep breath and look, then except the fact that you don't look like how you used to. That you would never look the way you used to. That eventually, Cullen would be disgusted from the scars and find someone as attractive as himself to be with.

"You can't stay out here forever," Hawke said from a nearby tree. He leaned against it, crossing his arms against his chest, his ankles crossed. "Being alone makes people feel pity for themselves. You aren't one to wallow in it, but it's an easy slip from a moment of it to drowning in it." He uncrossed his arms and walked slowly to me, sitting next to me on the boulder. "You are strong. You know that right?"

I sighed, looking over at him. "I've been told that a lot lately," I answered, kicking a clump of dirt with my boot. "You on suicide watch?" I asked him, running a hand through my hair. I saw the scars on my wrists from the ropes and I touched them gently with my fingertips. He cleared his throat and glanced up at the nearest tree.

"You've been through a lot, and you haven't exactly talked about it with anyone. Besides Dorian," he answered, his voice tinged with a bit of jealousy. I glanced over at him, but he shook his head. "I know. I also know how easy it is to feel like it was easier to die than keep going with no family and an enormous amount of horrible memories."

I took a deep breath, thinking about what he said. "Suicide never crossed my mind," I began, glancing up into his eyes. "I…I…," I hesitated, trying to figure out how to explain to him what I felt. "Here, in this world, bad things seem to be worse than I could imagine. I mean, I'm sure they can happen where I am from, but not as easily. I've…I've been sheltered my whole life."

I pulled my jacket around me more, glancing down at my feet. "I can't explain how I feel, Hawke. I don't…" I took a deep breath and sat in silence for a minute. "It was just a song. For Dorian, I only sang him a song." I stood up, filling my lungs with the fresh air, squeezing the mirror in my hand, before handing it to him. "I still can't look."

Hawke glanced at the mirror, then back up at me, his fingers curling around the mirror. "For you, songs speak louder than your words." He sighed, thinking about what to say next. "This mirror," he shook the mirror in his hand. "This mirror is your next step." He took a step toward me. "It's the next step to healing. Alone or with someone…you need to see the reality. What's the worst that can happen?"

I heard my heartbeat in my ears and his words replayed in my head. You're still changed. You're not dead but almost feel like you were. Bryan Adams played in my mind and I felt a catch in my breath from how related I felt to those lyrics. I leaned against the tree nearest to me, covering my eyes with my hand. "Sound the bugle now. Play it just for me." I ran the hand down my face and crossed my arms across my chest, my eyes meeting his. His eyes knew my pain, but in a different way. "As the seasons change, remember how I used to be. Now I can't go on, I can't even start. I've got nothing left, just an empty heart."

I glanced over at the camp, the tents keeping people out of the cold of the winter. "I'm a soldier: wounded so I must give up the fight. There's nothing more for me, lead me away...Or leave me lying here. Sound the bugle now. Tell them I don't care. There's not a road I know that leads to anywhere. Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark. Lay right down. Decide not to go on." My voice broke and I was embarrassed from my shaky voice. It wasn't at all like how it used to be, and I hated it.

There was a figure outside of a tent, and the sun shone on it, blonde hair looking my direction. I gave a small smile, noticing that I was never out of his sight. "Then from on high somewhere in the distance. There's a voice that calls, "Remember who you are. If you lose yourself your courage soon will follow. So be strong tonight. Remember who you are." You're a soldier now fighting in a battle. To be free once more. Yeah, that's worth fighting for."

I felt my chest flow with realization that fighting to be better for that man has always been my goal. Even with the Qun, surviving for that man was what kept me going. I loved him so much. He was my inspiration to heal and put this behind me. I knew he was waiting patiently for me to talk to him about everything. If I was going to tell anyone about the Qun, it would be him. Over time I'd tell him everything.

I didn't realize that I had a couple tears on my cheeks and I was so sick of this crying crap. No wonder people were treating me like a glass doll. Hawke placed a hand on my shoulder and I turned to him, looking at what he offered me in his hand. I closed my fingers around it, letting out a deep breath. "You've got this," he told me, patting my shoulder. "One step."

Clearing my throat, I nodded and glanced back up at the camp, no longer seeing Cullen's figure. Time to do this. It's been a week already. A whole boat ride and no courage to look into a stupid piece of glass. I needed to do this. I needed to accept what happened. To accept that it was real. To see what I have been avoiding.

I took my time walking to camp, not able to walk this distance without getting out of breath. I stopped for a moment, glancing around. The camp was quiet, everyone anxious to get back to Skyhold. Winter was starting to hit us, the wind cold and piercing, even without the snow. The air smelled of snow and I was hoping that there might be some soon. That was always my favorite time of year. When fresh snow fell.

I noticed Dorian and Bull sitting next to a fire and as much as I hated it, I still feel a moment of panic when I see the horns. Zevran was sharpening a dagger, catching his eye when he glanced up, winking at me. I felt myself blush a little and looked over at where Varric was laughing with Anders. I never thought I would see this again, people living their everyday lives. My people living their everyday lives. My people.

Moving the flap to my tent, I walked in, sitting down on my bed roll. It was odd not seeing the map set up as it typically was in Cullen's tent. It was only our bed rolls right now. No maps. No weapons. No lute. Just the basics. I leaned over and lit the lamp with my magic, feeling wrong about it. It was odd having the ability to do it so naturally. It came without thinking lately. Probably rebelling for not using it for so long.

I adjusted myself, sitting cross legged on the bedroll. You can do this. You are Captain King. You got this. Taking a deep breath, I slowly held up the mirror, dreading what I'll see in the reflection. My heart hammered in my chest as I saw my face in the glass, so different from the one I used to look at daily at home. I couldn't help the anger and tears in my eyes as I slowly went over every inch of my face, recognizing an old scar on my forehead, but that was it.

My eyes weren't even my own, sunken and black bagged. The blue seemed darker and more vibrant, making me seem lost. I wandered on the scars where the mask sat, cutting into my skin when I was thrown or hit. Months of it rubbing the top of my cheeks raw. There was the scar from the wraith from the fortress.

I felt a groan escape me as I looked at my mouth. Dots lined it from where it was sutured shut. I touched them lightly, thinking it looked like a cosplay. They weren't though. They were…they were real. I felt the shuddering in my hands and then it made my way to my chest, leaving me with sobs. To be so vain to cry about my face. To have everyone see me with these marks. I don't care if they are reminders of my strength. Fuck strength. They were memories. Horrible reminders of the days I spent in chains, told I was a freak. That I didn't belong in the natural order of life. That I was a danger to myself and others around me.

The headache that hit me, was fast and strong. I gasped, grabbing my head. No. This was like…no. He was gone. He was…wasn't he?" Lyrium," a voice hissed. Fuck this. No. I reached down grabbing the bedroll with one hand and gripping my hair with the other. I felt the craving coming on, gnawing at me, urging me to find some. Right now. I felt the pain in my chest start and I began panting, trying to catch my breath. Lyrium would fix this. This would all go away with it. My heart was beating erratically in my chest, and the pain in my stomach exploded, causing me agony. I felt my eyes close and start to roll back, but I fought it, forcing them open.

This pain was worst then the last attack and the scream that came from me seemed unreal, and from somewhere else. I fell backward onto my bedroll, my body spasming. I heard my name being said and my legs and shoulders being held as the spasms took over again. I glanced over, terrified at the way my body was out of my control. My pain intensified again, and I heard the screech repeat itself. Cullen was holding my shoulders, saying my name and looking over at the person holding my legs. The spasm began to stop but the pain continued.

I felt them release me and I looked up at Cullen, tears pouring from my eyes. "Lyrium," I gasped, holding back a yell. "Please," I cried. My back arched and I reached out to hold onto Cullen's arm, with the new wave of pain and fever. "Just a little bit! Now! Please, Cullen." I heard the desperateness in my voice.

Cullen smoothed back the hair from my forehead, saying my name. I knew it hurt him to see me like this. "You can do this, Kassy."

I shook my head, biting my lip from the pain. Shit, I needed it. I needed it so badly. I couldn't do it. Just give me the fuckin lyrium! "Lyrium," I growled. "I need it. Please, Cullen."

He shook his head, letting go of my shoulders. I saw the decisiveness in his tone and knew he wouldn't budge. "We discussed this, you said-."

"No," I spat through the pain in my stomach and chest. I felt the anger in me and I glared at the men. My breathing was ragged. I needed lyrium. I needed to feel the cool liquid touch on my lips and the way it slowly dripped down my throat. The way it instantly made me feel a rush of energy before making my blood hum. I needed that. I wanted to feel like a weapon. At this instant, I craved that part of being a Saarebas. Where was the Arishok? Where was the Qunari? "I'll join the Qun." I told them, sitting up. "Saarebas will fight for you." I gasped and closed my eyes, my nails digging into my legs. "Lyrium."

Hands fell onto my shoulders and I opened my eyes, flinching away from the touch. "I'll be a good Saarebas," I told the blonde man. His gold eyes filled with pity and he glanced over at the man with the half pony tail. "Tell the Arishok." I tried to let them see I was genuine. "Anything for the lyrium! I"ll be your weapon."

"She's delirious," the man told the blonde. "These withdrawals are getting worse and worse."

Whiskey eyes observed me, and I felt the sweat beading on my forehead. "Please," I sobbed. "Please. Just tell him." The man slowly reached out a hand, and I flinched away slightly, before it softly cupped my cheek. I held his gaze, my breathing harsh and deep.

"Come back to me," he whispered, and I stared at him in confusion. "You're here, with me. Come back to me, Kassy." I blinked a couple times, my breathing slowing down, but the sobs escaped with the still lingering pain.

"Make it stop," I begged him, and I reached up to grab his hand. "Kill me or give me lyrium. Do whatever you have to do to make it stop." His hand was rough from years of training. He pulled me into his chest and I curled into him, feeling his heat pouring into me. "Please," I whimpered. He held me, shushing me, repeating that I would be okay. The sobs started coming slower and I felt the urge lessen. The hiccups started from the crying and I opened my eyes, noticing Anders left.

"Kassy?" Cullen asked softly, and I raised my head to look up at him. "Did you come back to me?"

I felt the pieces of the puzzle click together and I understood what he was asking me. I sniffed and wiped my eyes. "Yes," I said quietly. "I came back." His eyes warmed a little and he let out a sigh of relief, putting his hand in my hair. "I'll always come back," I assured him. He kissed my forehead and I glanced up at him, the after sobs still sporadically coming on. He held me tight against him, helping me ride out the last of my withdrawal. I grunted in discomfort as a wave of pain hit and he rubbed my back. "Distract me."

Cullen took a deep breath, his constant movement on my back comforting. "Story or song?" He asked, and I was surprised singing was an option.

"You sing?" I asked him, letting out breath through my teeth. I glanced up at his face and saw his concern. I remembered the brief moment in game when you heard him sing The Dawn will Come. "Sing," I told him. I clenched my teeth and grabbed his fur. "Hurry before I start begging for lyrium again."

He nodded, his touch still on my back and hair. "Hold me close and hold me fast. This magic spell you cast. This is la vie en rose." His voice was strong and sure, and I instantly felt a bit of relief. I kept close to him, feeling the hum in his chest. I focused on it, trying to push the pain away. "When you kiss me heaven sighs, and though I close my eyes, I see la vie en rose. When you press me to your heart, I'm in a world apart, a world where roses bloom." Gradually, I felt the pain ebb away and I was able to start thinking clearly, the pain a dull roar in the background. "And when you speak angels sing from above, everyday words seem to turn into love songs." I lifted my blue eyes to find his gold ones already on me.I couldn't help but stare at him in awe, his voice hypnotizing. He once tried to tell me that he was always pulled in with my voice, but I doubt it was ever like this. He put a hand on my cheek and all I could think about was him and his voice. "Give your heart and soul to me, and life will always be, la vie en rose."

I felt my breathing even out and the pain was almost non-existing. I held his gaze, both of us just staring at each other, remembering how we used to be, but knowing it was different. I slowly reached up, pulling his hand down and glancing at how they entwined. "You have an amazing voice," I told him. He chuckled and moved his other hand to my hair. The movement had me focusing on his face again.

"How are you feeling?" He studied me, trying to see if I was still in pain. I felt the sudden urge to kiss him, to hold him. To have him hold me.

"I almost forgot you," I began, not knowing what exactly was coming out of my mouth. I just knew that I needed to tell him my fears and thoughts. I needed to tell some-one and he was my person. I would only be hurting him by keeping it to myself. There is only so much strong a person can be before it breaks them. Cullen shook his head in confusion and he started going into Commander mode. It was instinctive for him I was learning. "Every day I…" I let go of his hand. "Trying to remember, the beginning, it is all a blur."

"There's no need, love," Cullen informed me, realizing what I was doing. I shook my head, feeling the memories take over, becoming clearer and clearer. Every second. Every moment.

I tried to calm my mind and think of what to say next. "Every day, I told myself to keep fighting. Not for myself, but for you." I grabbed Cullen's hand with both of mine, the strength of his bringing comfort. "You were the reason that I didn't give up. That I didn't give into death or the Qun." Cullen took a hand away putting it under my chin to lift my face to look at him. I felt the tears in my eyes. "I tried to remember you. To get back to you." My voice broke and I swallowed hard. "I didn't recognize you, Cullen. I didn't know it was you when you rescued me."

He tried to shush me, pulling me into a tight hug. I took in his smell and the solidness of him. "You were beaten every day. Drugged and deprived of food and water. They tried to break you, and you held on. It would make any of us forget after being exposed to months of that kind of torture."

I sniffed, leaning away from him, wiping my cheeks from the tears that stained them earlier. I watched him reach over and grab the mirror nearby, observing me. I gave him an ashamed look. "I can't recognize the woman in the mirror," I told him. "I don't know how you keep looking at them." I gestured to my scars along my lips.

Cullen sat in silence for a moment, his eyes hurt for a second. "You might not recognize yourself in the mirror, but I do." He told me, his voice was determined to make me understand. "Those scars tell your story. Love, you are one of the rare people that escape the Qunari, especially as a Saarebas."

I rolled my eyes, playing with a piece of his fur. "Are you going to tell me how strong I am now?"

He grinned at me, leaning his forehead against mine. "You are."

I put my hands up in his hair and let out a small chuckle. "I'm not the one who never stopped searching for me. Even when everyone thought I was a goner. I…you are the most amazing man to ever live on the earth. You know that right?"

He laughed and the sound of it had the warm glow in my chest return. "I wasn't going to stop until I had you safe at Skyhold."

"Take me home, Lion," I told him, tears starting to well in my eyes. "Take me home."

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There is always that feeling you get, when you finally arrive at a situation you have been dreaming about for days. The day when you picture the smell, the sounds. Everything. Even the conversations. It never goes how you picture it would. It typically goes in the opposite direction. I used to think that it was a disappointment for only me, but today was beginning to show me that everyone's expectations were being let down.

Cullen sat behind me as we rode up to the gate of Skyhold, almost home. He had everyone arranged so that we would ride in last so there wouldn't be a scene, if any. I didn't think there would be people waiting for my arrival. The ones who missed me most were already by my side, willing to go to the heart of the Qun to rescue me.

The air was bitter cold, and I loved the way the fresh cold air cleared my lungs and head. I knew that I would be stared at. I knew that people were expecting the bard back. They would have to wait a long time for that. For me to be with so many people at once. Even now, it felt unreal riding through the doors of Skyhold.

I tried to keep my shoulders back and stand straight, like when I first came to Skyhold, but I knew it was pointless. I instantly felt my hand tighten its pressure in Cullen's causing him to glance at me in concern. I kept my gaze straight, fighting the urge to melt into his chest and disappear. I feared what they would think. The others in the inner circle upset that I left. The occupants of Skyhold viewing me as a freak with my scars.

I kept my breathing in control, thinking that it didn't matter. You have Cullen right beside you. I have been making sure that he wasn't out of sight, or that someone was always there. Someone that I trusted that is. You never know if Arishok sent his crew out to get me, like they do for Iron Bull. My eyes flitted to Bull's horns and I told myself to talk to him later. I haven't talked to him since the boat. Even then, I was nervous the whole time and felt my heart beat fast in fear. He avoided talking to me since, making sure that he wasn't a threat to me. He was Iron Bull though, he never was a threat, yet my brain kept trying to tell me differently.

"Love?" Cullen asked, and my eyes went to his worried ones.

"I'll be okay," I assured him, trying to force a believable smile on my face. "Just don't let go of my hand."

He squeezed my hand and nodded, so many thoughts showing on his face. I felt the guiltiest about that. That he wouldn't have the woman he fell in love with back. That he would only have a shadow of her. It wasn't fair, was it? Stop. This is the Qun and Nightmare talking. You will get back to being you. Or mostly you. You a force remember?

There was no grand entrance as we crossed into the safety of the castle. Snow covered the ground and people were going about their day, like any other one. Only a few stopped to glance as we began our ride into the courtyard, following the path to the stairs. When eyes landed on me, they did double takes, and I avoided my eyes from the stares. It would be awhile before the ogling stopped.

Whispers filled the air and soon there were groups of people, trying to catch a glimpse of me. I kept chanting to myself to be strong and to not let their gawking bother you. I didn't want them to know that I was as broken as I was. That it was a struggle picking up the pieces, but I would put them together. They would see. Eventually, the scars will be apart of me and who I am. Still, every time I looked at them in the mirror, I would see the memories of how I got them. The day I was made into a Saarebas.

I wondered why we were going to the main hall and I didn't know if I was ready to see Branwen. Last time I saw her, she was telling me to stay. I caused her to derail from the cause and lose many companions on the search for me. I felt the anxiety rising in my chest. She hated me, I just knew it.

As we got the bottom of the staircase, Cullen called to Hawke and Varric. "Get the others for a meeting in the war room, immediately."

Wait? All of them? I didn't…right away? I looked at Cullen in panic as he lifted me down from the horse, not wanting to do this right away. "I don't know if…"

Cullen stopped and brought his hands to my shoulders. "I'm going to bring you up to the Inquisitor's quarter and have a bath brought in. Are you going to be okay being alone that long?"

I sighed in relief, loving that he knew what I needed without saying it. "I'll be okay? No Qun coming into the room to kill me or kidnap me?"

I saw pity and worry in Cullen's eyes and he shook his head. "I'll make sure to tighten the patrol and have more scouts stationed around Skyhold. You'll be safe. I promise." He pulled up the hood of my coat, hiding most of my face with it's largeness.

I nodded, taking a deep breath to center myself. He reached down for my hand again and we headed up the stairs, the first couple steps already too much. I forgot how many stairs led up to the Main Hall. It was almost ridiculous. I heard the wheezing in my breath as I watched Cullen climb the stairs. I never experienced the view I got of him back here. It almost helped me forget the pain that stabbed me in my legs and every breath.

This is what months of no physical activity gets me. Can't even climb the fucking stairs to get a bath. I felt the muscles in my legs quiver and I fell onto my knees. Hurry. Get back up. I pushed up on my palms but felt a wave a dizziness as soon as I tried.

"Cullen," I called out of breath. Cullen was already down beside me as I fell, and he was examining me to make sure I was alright. He assessed the situation and helped me stand up.

"You aren't going to make it up the stairs, are you?" He asked quietly, and I shook my head.

"I'm sorry," I apologized, embarrassed. "I thought I could." He glanced around, before lifting me up into his arms. "I promise, I won't make this into a habit. You carrying me everywhere."

He smirked at me and rolled his eyes. "It's not like you are doing this on purpose." His eyes went darker and I felt butterflies in my stomach. "Besides, I like feeling you in my arms."

It was early evening and there weren't many souls wandering the corridor, which helped ease my anxiety as his footsteps echoed in the hall. A few glanced up from their tasks, glancing away, used to seeing the Commander make his way to the Inquisitor's room.

He reached down to open the door to Branwen's stairway and I put a had on his chest to stop him. "I thought you wanted to avoid the others?"

I thought I could do that, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to. The wondering if the Qun would attack unexpectedly would haunt me the whole time. I didn't want to be dependent on him bringing me back down the stairs. It would be too long alone with my worries.

Alone or with people? I kept my gaze on the door not knowing how to explain that seeing all of them would be too much right now. "Last time I saw her, I asked her to give you a necklace and jumped through a portal," I explained. "After her and Dorian asked me not to." There would be two different ways this can go. Relief or anger. If it was me, it would be both. "I just…never thought I would be seeing any of you again."

"Commander," Dorian said, glancing at us both, before realizing something was wrong. He must have heard what I told Cullen. I felt myself blush in embarrassment as Dorian gave me a look of pity. "Perhaps I could stay out here with her, while you go inform the others of the situation."

"They'll stare," I told Dorian and he raised his eyebrows in amusement, looking over at the people that were occupying the hall.

"Yes," he stated. "I suppose they will." He glanced around, and his eyes rested on the throne before going to a table by us. "We shall hide in shadows over at that table."

It was the table at the front of the hall, closest to the throne. He was right, it was mostly in shadows there, easy to blend in and not be obvious. "Kass?" Cullen asked, waiting for me to decide and I nodded, giving my approval. Dorian led the way and Cullen set me down in the chair, concern on his face. "I won't be long, I promise."

I gave a small smile up at him, pressing his hand to my lips. "I'll keep you to that," I told him, not wanting to let go of his hand. "I'm sorry, again, Cullen."

Cullen shook his head, his gold eyes holding my blue. "Stop that. No more apologies." I nodded, and he squeezed my hand before glancing over at Dorian. "Thank you," he said quietly, and Dorian nodded slightly before rolling his eyes at me, making me smile.

"Of course, Commander," he responded, waving his hand. "Now go before everyone strategizes why they are standing in a room together."

Cullen nodded, looking like he didn't want to be separated from me either. He strutted to Josephine's office, and disappeared behind the door. I felt the anxiety tick kick in and my foot tapped without meaning to, keeping my troubles at bay. I felt protected in my hood as I watched Cassandra strut in, her focus on her destination. Wow. She hasn't changed at all.

"You seem to be lost in thought," the Tevinter's voice breaking my thoughts. "You should leave the analyzing to the researchers," Dorian said, and my gaze was back on him.

His grey eyes were warm and up for some playful banter. "I suppose so," I replied, my fingers drumming on the table. I gave him a nervous half smile. "But I'm just human. Can't stop these thoughts." I tried to convey how bad I still felt at leaving them all and going through the portal.

Dorian leaned back in his chair a little, pondering this, his eyes processing many thoughts and emotions. "Yes, we are. Being human, we sometimes lose our own opportunity to look at the world, and we try to bleed deeper into our own greedy ways, as to only advance ourselves. As a result, we forget those who we thought of along the way." His eyes darkened and he glanced down at the table in thought. "It is our way of blocking out the pain, but when we take a look at things that are dear, shall we look at their happiness, or our own?" He leaned forward onto the table, glancing up and observing me, earnest in his voice.

"In the end, our selfishness can overcome our intentions, even if they were meant for the betterment of others around us. The fact that we tried to change something that wasn't supposed or wished not to be altered, is just a symbol of our darkness, and look for our light's origin point, for then, we can put a lease on our shadows, and tell them that their time is up." His face had a bit of darkness cross over before it shifted back to the Dorian I usually see. He placed a hand on the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. "I apologize. It seems I have shadows of my own I need to deal with."

I didn't even know that Dorian could get this deep, so analytical. Everything he said, made sense though. It made perfect sense. This man before me was going through something as well. "I didn't realize you were such a poet."

He chuckled, sitting straighter in his chair. "Conversation hasn't been as stimulating since you decided to be rid of us." Clearing his throat, he gave me the 'let's get down to business' look. "Thoughts of your own?"

I stared at his grey eyes, trying to think of something as intense as him. "I wasn't trying to be selfish. I was trying to keep you guys out of danger."

Dorian's mustache twitched, and he tilted his head, studying me. He gave a slight nod, knowing that this moment was big for me. Being back at Skyhold. Facing my fear that I disappointed and angered everyone. That was the most amazing part about Dorian. He knew what I needed to hear and when we needed to speak through silence. The only sounds of the hall were the muttering of some people in the front, but soon they were muted out as silence filled our thoughts.

The silence was terrible and the memories of the silence alone in the cell came back to me. The vision through the slits in the mask. The inability to move my mouth. Imagining life outside those walls. Free of chains and Qun. Well, here I was, and I was scared to be in a roomful of my people. Was I seriously that fucked up?

I had the ability to talk now. Touch people. Sing songs. Sing. The thing that brought comfort no matter the issue. The one thing that I felt I had to do every day before the Qun. The thing that helped me express myself, when no words could. I thought about what Dorian just said. How all humans make mistakes. How no matter what, we try to fix things, and end up making things worse without meaning to. We crave things we can't have and mess up the things we do. We feel. We act on those feelings. We need to show how we feel in the only way we know how. For me…that is song.

I felt the rush of emotions in my chest, and a tear slid down my cheek. How did Dorian always find a way to make me feel so much when I never thought I could again? The words started coming out of my mouth before I had a moment to think about it, and I was singing. I had to sing. It was the only way to heal. The only way to fill the silence. "Well I heard there was a secret chord. That David played, and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music, do you?" My eyes closed, and I felt the intensity of the words in me. The way this song spoke in my time of clarity. When I needed to heal. When I needed to feel there was something more out there then just stars and a moon. "Well it goes like this, the fourth the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift. The baffled king composing, hallelujah." As every hallelujah left my lips, I felt the emotion grow and soon my voice got louder.

"There was a time when you let me know, what's really going on below. But now you never show that to me, do you? But remember when I moved in you, and the holy dove was moving too. And every breath we drew was Hallelujah!" I felt myself rock forward with the emotion of the song and I put my hands to my chest, almost feeling like it was too much. "Maybe there's a God above, but all I've ever learned from love, was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you. And it's not a cry that you hear at night. It's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah! Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah."

I flittered open my eyes, to find an audience standing there, staring in shock before the applause echoed across the hall. I glanced across the table at Dorian in panic as he just gave me a smug smile, clapping and nodding in the direction of Josephine's office. I followed and saw the crew, standing there, all wearing different emotions.

There they all were. Everyone. They were the ones that I fought to stay alive for. I felt my heart hammering, seeing them all together. Dorian shooed the onlookers out, leaving me alone with the others. It was time. I took a deep breath, pushing back my chair, standing up to face them all. I took a couple steps toward them glancing over at Cullen. He gave me an encouraging smile, giving me the courage to show them the person that came back to them. I took a deep breath before pulling my hood back, showing them my scars.

All of them took me in, observing the new me. I knew I was worse than they were expecting. The only one that wasn't surprised was Solas. I held his eyes, and I knew things were going to be different between the two of us. If it wasn't for him and his Fade fascination, I never would have made it home. Home. I looked at each of them again, before my eyes went back to Solas. I never thought that I would feel this way when I saw him in person.

I took a step forward, toward him, not realizing that I had so many pent-up emotions about him. That he was the one that found me in the Fade. That he was the one that told them to find me. That he was different than what I thought. His eyes were intense on me, sharing that it wasn't a dream. That what happened was real. I slowly made my way to him, going as fast as my legs would allow. I may have given up on the Maker, Andraste, and God, but I knew that this god was looking out for me in a way. That he was there in my greatest hour of need.

I saw the confusion on his face, wondering what I was going to do, but I threw my arms around him, wishing there was more I could do than a hug. I felt the hesitation in him before his own arms wrapped around me. "When I was about to lose faith, you were the only god that came to give me any. Thank you," I whispered to him, my voice breaking.

Solas pulled me away to put his hands on my shoulders, his blue eyes staring into mine. "You continue to surprise me with every interaction we have." I gave a twitch of my lips before I felt my legs start to shake and I knew the riding from today was catching up with me. "Commander," he said, noticing my tremors.

The others were chatting with each other, trying not to stare. Cullen came and lifted me into his arms, silencing my potential protests with a look. I pulled my hood up, embarrassed by my scars. On the journey here, the others did well at making me forget I had them. Now, I was painfully aware that they were the focus of attention.

"Cassandra, if you could send out more patrols as discussed. Inquisitor, we will set up a war meeting for the morning with the Bull. However, it has been a long journey for those of us who have traveled," Cullen announced and Cassandra nodded strutting past us.

"Of course, Commander," she replied, her usual walk confident.

Branwen nodded and focused on Cullen. "We will see you then." Her pale eyes went to me. "I am glad you are back." I followed them with my eyes as Cullen walked away.

Cullen started back toward Solas' study and I held onto him, more tired from the day than I thought. "I can walk," I mumbled, and Cullen raised his eyebrows at me.

"You were barely able to stand on your feet not two minutes ago. Stop complaining and let me take care of you," he ordered, and I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Commander," I replied.

"Maker's breath," he let out, and I wondered what room he was planning on bringing me too. We crossed the rampart to his study and he opened the door. That's when it really hit me. I was home. I saw the worn banners and desk. The small slit of a window.

"Can I get down?" I asked hesitantly, and Cullen gently lowered me, keeping an arm around my waist for support. I hesitantly started toward his desk and touched the papers that sat there. There were maps out with markings all over them. Letters were piled up and more than a few daggers were stuck in the dummy. Sticking out of from under the map was a familiar mark. I moved the map, pulling out the parchment, smiling. It was the drawing I drew for Cullen, all those months ago. "You kept it," I whispered, tracing the lines with my fingertips.

He kissed the top of my head, glancing at the drawing over my shoulder. "Of course," he answered. "I've kept something else, that I believe you should have back." I felt him move my hair aside and tie something around my neck. I reached a hand up to curl my fingers around his coin. I felt the tears prick my eyes. I gripped it tighter, feeling a swell in my chest. Last time I saw this, I was pulling it off so that it wouldn't be lost to him.

"Cullen, I'm-." My voice broke and the guilt ate at me, whispering that this all could have been avoided. Cullen turned me toward him, and silenced me with his expression. It was one I haven't seen on him before. A mix of worry and anxiety.

"I-I never want to have the Inquisitor hand me a necklace from you again," he told me, brushing my cheek with his knuckles. "Twice is too…it's too many. Understand?"

I nodded, squeezing the coin. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him to me. I tried to soak in the strength of him, his energy. "They're going to want me to talk about it," I mumbled into his chest.

Cullen stroked my hair, letting out a heavy sigh. "You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to," he told me, his voice low. "No one is forcing you."

I glanced around, wanting to change the subject, and focused on his ladder and thought of the bed that rested above it. A bed. A familiar bed, not a cot on a boat. "We can't climb the ladder," I told him, knowing that there was no way I would be able to climb that if I couldn't make the stairs.

Cullen didn't take the bait and I knew that he knew exactly what I was thinking. "There is something you want to talk about," he said, pushing me away slightly so he can look at my face. "Isn't there?"

I pushed a hand through my hair, my eyes going around the room. I saw the same old stone that I used to know with the symbol that hung above his desk. His bookshelf full of books. The same ridiculous stack of debris in the corner. Wait. It snowed here. Did he fix the hole in his roof? Not the thing to be thinking about Kassy. There were so many things I wanted to share with him. So many things about myself that I wanted him to know. About my past. Me. The real me. Everything I kept hidden.

"Umm…umm yeah," I answered, my eyes going to his golden ones. "Being away for almost half a year makes you think of things to tell someone if you ever get out." I put a hand to my forehead and put the other on his arm. I gripped his arm tight as a Charlie horse formed in my right calf. "Shit," I hissed, falling onto his desk and flexing my foot, angering the Charlie horse.

Cullen crouched down, holding my leg, studying it. "What is it?" I kept flexing my foot, knowing that I had to fight the pain before it is better. Then it hit me, all the talks I had with my dad. Working as a director in a mental health facility, he taught us to talk through issues so that they wouldn't bottle up, causing mental break downs and epic panic attacks. Or nightmares. I would have to talk through what happened with someone before I got better. Starting with my past and going forward. Secrets have a way of being told anyhow, right?

Cullen rubbed my calf muscle, and I admired him. The curl and bounce of his hair. The way his eyes met mine with golden concern. How his hands were strong and yet so gentle with me. How he was doing everything possible in his power to help make me feel comfortable. "There's someth…um somethings I think you should know." He slowly stood up, crossing his arms. "Answers to questions you all have been asking since I arrived."

"Such as?" He questioned, reaching out to help me up. He put an arm around my waist, helping me slowly to the door toward my room. The rush that came to me, standing on the rampart, made me realize that some of the most amazing moments of my life happened here. Either in Cullen's office, my room, or this rampart. Our first kiss, touch, conversation, sex, and fight.

We began the walk down the rampart, our breath coming out as clouds in the cold. "How I knew about Samson." Cullen's grip got a little tighter, glancing over at me.

"I remember someone telling us never to ask," he replied, his voice intrigued. He opened the door to my room and I blinked in the darkness. It was the same, yet…so different. There was a desk in the corner of my room with a chair. Blackwall. There was another trunk, opened, full of medical needs. My armor was laid on a chair, the blue vibrant in the dark. I glanced at the torch near us and it came to life. Cullen stared at it in shock and I made my way to the bed, hoping it was as comfortable as I remembered.

"It's been coming naturally now," I told him, sitting slowly on the bed. "Like it's apart of me." His eyes focused on me and he glanced back at the torch. He shook his head, probably not wanting to go into the different types of magic from between worlds.

He ran a hand through his curly hair, his tiredness evident with the way he seemed to be barely standing. When was the last time he slept properly? I took off my boots and my jacket, ready to get under the covers and pass out. Cullen stood there, staring at me, his face half in shadow, so I couldn't read what he was thinking. I sat there, staring back, not sure where to start or what to say. I was fighting off the wanting to cry at happiness of being back home and the need to tell Cullen all my anxieties. All the things that happened. I needed someone to listen. What if he left? Or thought I was crazy?

I looked over at my trunk and thought about new clothes. A fresh shirt. That would be amazing. I stood up, heading to the trunk, only a few feet away. Cullen was by my side in a step, and I held out a hand. "I can do this," I told him, and his mouth tightened. He looked at me like I was going to fall apart any second. Like I was weak. When did that start happening? A few months ago? Longer? "I'm not weak, okay?" I said quietly, glancing over at him.

He looked taken aback and struggled to find a proper reaction. "I-I…I never thought that, love."

I focused on the trunk again, making it to it. I fell down to my knees quicker than I would have liked, my knee caps slamming into the brick. I winced slightly before opening the trunk and taking out a shirt. I closed the lid, using it to help myself back to my feet. I walked back to the bed, sitting down, feeling proud of the small victory.

Cullen smiled at me, so many thoughts now swirling in his eyes. What were they? How do I start the conversation of my past? "What are you thinking?" I asked him, fiddling with the new shirt in my hands.

"That I should let you get some rest," he answered, coming to me and giving me a kiss. I responded, wishing that he could hold me again. I didn't think he would with me looking the way I did. He stopped the kiss and I felt his hand still cupping my cheek.

I reached up a hand, and put my fingers through his, taking it away from my cheek. "I know you, Cullen. I see you have questions."

His whiskey eyes flashed with surprise and he put a hand to the back of his neck. "Plenty of time to talk when I see you in the morning." He put the palm of my hand to his lips. "You need rest."

I panicked at his phrasing, wondering if he was going to sleep somewhere else. I felt the tears already and I tried to stop the attack from coming. "See me in the morning?"

"Yes. I was-." I stopped him with an escaped sob, that made its way out unknowingly. There was genuine confusion on his face. "Since we were safe in Skyhold I thought….love? Why are you crying? Tell me."

I wiped the tears from my face, feeling so stupid, but the panic I felt wouldn't leave. I shook my head, trying to calm myself enough to speak. "They're going to come, and I won't be able to fight! They are going to come, and I will be dragged back there. They can't drag me back! They are good at what they do, they could get into Skyhold." I pushed a hand through my hair. "I can't go back there, Cullen. I-I can't! The chains, the horns. The voices." I heard my gasping through the sobs. "I wouldn't..I w-wouldn't make it."

Cullen was shushing me, holding my face between his hands, wiping tears, trying to understand what I was saying. I grabbed his wrists and his eyes studied my face, not knowing how to comfort me. "Shh, Kassy."

"It's all so real still. The images…voices…I…I remember every word they said," I sniffed and told myself to calm down, that it was only a panic attack and to talk myself down. My brain wasn't listening though. It needed to say it. "They broke me. I was going to join them the day you came." Cullen was confused now, and I kept going, not knowing how to stop. "They turned me into a monster. I was going to join the Qun."

"Kassy, it doesn't matter anymore. You are here with me," he told me in a soothing voice. "I'm not going anywhere."

"You should," I replied with a soft sob. "I am a mage. Different than any here. I have so much power at my fingertips. You were right all those years ago. You shouldn't trust us. I was susceptible to the infernal whisperings of the demon. He snaked into my mind and corrupted my thoughts." I felt the ache in my chest from the heaves of crying. "You can't save me. You don't know what I've become. You were right. There's no use in trying to save a blood mage."

Cullen shook his head, heat in his eyes. "I was wrong all those years ago. The Warden. King Alistair. They proved me wrong. Those mages were worth saving." He adjusted himself on his knees, his grip a bit tighter. "You are not broken. You were hurt, but not broken." His eyes were watery as he looked at me, at the person who changed to a frightened woman that was scared of the darkness. "You are not a monster. Do you understand? You are not a monster."

"This isn't what you signed up for," I told him, shaking my head. I could barely understand myself between the sobs. "If you knew about how I know about Thedas. If you knew that I knew you before I ever came here. There is no logical reason for this to be real. I am probably in a hospital somewhere, waiting to come out of a coma."

Cullen was trying to keep up and process what he was hearing, but I can tell that there were so many questions that needed answers. "This," he placed a hand on my heart, feeling it beat under it. "Is real. We are real." His other hand was on the back of my head now and he focused his eyes on mine. "You are what I signed up for. All of you. I-I…I wouldn't be able to….my life is worthless without you."

How did a man like him, love someone like me? I felt the rush of gratitude for this man and I kissed him hard, my arms wrapping around his neck. His hands went around my waist, pulling me into his lap as he wiped the hair from my face. I broke the kiss, feeling the heaviness disappearing a little. "I'm sorry," I told him wiping my face of tears. I felt the hiccups come on and Cullen rolled his eyes, helping wipe the tears away.

"Enough apologizing. You are reacting exactly like anyone in your situation should." He leaned his forehead against mine and I curled my fingers into his hair.

"Stay with me?" I asked him, and he chuckled as he pulled me into his chest, his hand stroking my hair.

"Always," he replied, kissing the top of my head. "Let's get you into bed. You're going to need your sleep. You have a lot of questions to answer tomorrow," he informed me.

I nodded, neither of us making any attempt to move from this position. I thought about the softness of the mattress. The feel of sheets and blankets. The way a pillow supports a head in its cloudy magic. Then I thought about the man that was going to sleep next to me in that bed. Maker's breath, I couldn't wait until I could do more than just sleep in that bed.