We're the Best

"OW!"

With a thud, the back of Monica's head hits the door as Chandler fails at his attempt to carry her dashingly out of apartment twenty. She uses one of her hands to rub the sore spot at the back of her skull, yet steels herself, determined not to let this unfortunate accident ruin the moment. She quickly returns her gaze to his face.

He looks down at her with a mixture of apprehension, embarrassment and concern. "You know that wasn't part of it?"

"I Know!"

"All Right!"

Chandler redoubles his efforts and quickly makes his way across the hall to his own apartment. He pauses and struggles as he tries to find the right angle to support her weight and open the door.

He looks down and weakly flashes her a reassuring smile. "All Right! Let's show them how it's done!" He strains as he tries to navigate a delicate balance between seduction and practicality. A few moments pass while Chandler fumbles in his attempts to open the door. Frustration builds upon his brow as his hand frantically flails about the knob of his door.

"I said, let's show them how it's done!"

Monica, seeing the embarrassment starting to paint Chandler's cheeks red, reaches her free hand down and deftly opens the door. "I got it!"

Chandler kicks it open and, once inside, hooks his foot behind the door to force it closed. He looks down at Monica and they share a smile and a few eager glances.

"Okay, now let's show them how it's done."

Chandler makes his way over to his bedroom door and reaches down with the hand that is around Monica's waist, yet once again, he struggles to open it.

"Oh Come on!"

Monica reaches down behind her while holding steady her excited gaze.

"I got it!"

She turns the handle and forces the door open. "You're lucky we are on the same team."

Chandler shakes his head as he lets loose with a half-smile. He kicks his door closed as he carries her into his room, dropping her onto his bed.

"You. Are. Welcome."

Chandler finds himself breathless and can only pant heavily as the two of them lie there wrapped haphazardly in his sheets. Their limbs still entwined as beads of sweat begin to dry on their skin. Monica laughs and nudges him as he gently squeezes her arm. She rolls her eyes and gives him a playful jab with her elbow.

"Did you not learn anything before about being obnoxious?"

"Sorry, you're right."

Chandler reaches over to his nightstand and starts to rummage around in the top drawer. "Let me make it up to you. I have something that you can add to the sex binder."

"I love getting things I can put in a binder." Monica greedily claps her hands and rubs them together. She then tilts her head as her smile fades and she eyes him skeptically. "But, wait, I thought you weren't a big fan of the sex binder."

Chandler stops his search and turns to face her. "Mon, you really think that I don't like the idea that there's physical evidence proving I am having sex with a beautiful woman? Something future generations will one day study and marvel at? Don't you know me at all?"

Monica shrugs her shoulders and lets out a laugh as she settles back into the bed.

Chandler turns back to his nightstand to resume his search. "I know it is here somewhere. Ah Ha!" He turns back again and hands Monica a wrinkled piece of paper that looks to have been folded closed and reopened dozens of times.

Monica holds it up as if he handed her a dead mouse. "Great. Just what I always wanted. Garbage."

"Open it up woman!'

Monica unfolds it and scrutinizes the page. She smiles as she brings her hand to her mouth.

"Oh my god! You still have this?" She sits up and flashes Chandler a look that is a mixture of being impressed with him while also beaming with pride for herself. "And you want to put this in the sex binder?"

"Sure, I mean, we should probably preserve the thing that makes me the best, right?" Chandler sits up and leans closer to Monica so they can look at the wrinkled piece of paper together.

Monica reaches her hand out and gestures to Chandler. "Give me a pen."

Chandler reaches over, pulls a pen out of his drawer, and hands it to Monica.

"This is not going in any binder. This is staying right here with you mister. We aren't done with it yet."

She begins to scribble furiously on the page and Chandler, overcome with curiosity, leans over to peek at what she is writing.

"What are you doing?"

Monica gives Chandler a playful shove and pushes him away from her so he can't read over her shoulder.

"No peeking! I'm giving you a homework assignment."

Chandler laughs and puts his hands behind his head as he looks up at the ceiling. "Homework? Didn't I already pass this course?"

"Well, now you're in the graduate program."

She pauses her actions and stares off into the corner of her room with a contemplative look on her face. A sly smile spreads across her lips and her eyes narrow as she finds herself becoming aroused again.

"Hey, you know, ever since we missed out on the plane ride home from London, and how the other day at your office didn't work out, I was just thinking, we still need to find a nice, public, but private place to, you know…" she bites her lower lip and looks over at him with desirous intent.

Chandler feigns shock and outrage.

"Monica E. Geller Esquire! You're dirty!"

She laughs and hands the sheet of paper back to Chandler. She crosses over the top of him and runs her hand slowly along his chest as she points at the page. "Meet me downstairs in twenty minutes and memorize number four!"

Monica leans in to kiss him and springs up from his bed. She quickly gathers her clothes and turns back to look at him over her shoulder as she gets dressed. She flashes a wide, giddy smile before making her way out of his bedroom and leaves the apartment.

Chandler rests with his hands behind his head. A look of triumphant bliss plastered on his face. His eyes widen as he glances towards his bedroom door when he hears the click of the apartment door opening back up.

"Oh, did you forget something?"

Heavy footsteps bound across the apartment and stop at his bedroom door. It swings open wildly and Joey pops his head in to look around.

"Chandler? What are you doing in bed already?"

Joey steps into the room and he crooks his neck as starts to sniff around the room like a bloodhound on the hunt. His eyes go wide with shock and disbelief.

"Hey, wait-a-minute."

He sniffs loudly once more as his eyes cover every inch of Chandler's bedroom. Suddenly, Joey's face turns to one of exaggerated surprise.

"You had sex in here!"

Chandler, dumbfounded at his roommate's astute observation, starts to stammer.

"What? No I didn't."

Joey inhales deeply through his nostrils once more. "Yep. You had sex! I mean, it was either you had sex in here or someone ate a lot of olive loaf; and you and I both know you don't like olive loaf." Joey points an accusatory finger at Chandler.

"It is olives stuck in a mystery meat! That's just an abomination! It was created as a cruel punishment for the wicked!"

Joey looks around the room again. "Yeah, you had sex."

He sniffs once more.

"You had sex twice!"

Another sniff.

"Almost three times." He smiles and gives Chandler a thumbs up. "Nice!"

Joey takes one last, deep sniff of the room.

"And she was hot!"

The smile fades and Joey once again looks sternly at his roommate.

Chandler looks back at Joey incredulously. "How are you doing this?"

Joey folds his arms smugly and raises a single eyebrow. "that's just what I do. Now give. What happened here?"

"Okay." Chandler raises a hand to Joey, motioning him to stop. "All right! I had sex, but, uh, I didn't want to say anything because, uh, it was, well, it was with, uh, Janice. That's right. We ran into each other downstairs, and one thing just led to another."

Joey shakes his head and stares at Chandler with sympathy and disappointment. "Janice? Come on man!"

"I know, Joe, but look, this was just sex. We both agreed that it would be our last time. And now, it's done and we will never see each other again. We swore we would never talk about it, not even to our friends. But just so you know, it's done. It's over."

Joey looks him over suspiciously and takes a moment to work out everything Chandler just said. He finally lets his face relax and his tone softens.

"Okay, if you say it was a just a one-time thing and now it's over, I'll believe you, because we can't go through this again dude. It's too much for me. You know how I get around her."

Chandler nods sympathetically at his friend. "I know Joe, I'm sorry that bringing up my exes is so hard for you. But it's over now and will never happen again. Do you think we can just keep this between you and me?"

Joey smiles and rushes in to hug Chandler.

"I can't stay mad at you pal."

They sit in awkward silence while hugging and Joey reluctantly punctures the uncomfortable silence.

"You're naked under that sheet, aren't you."

They both pull back and begin to clear their throats as they avoid looking at each other.

"Well, look pal, at least you got to have sex, right? I mean, it's been a while. If it had to be with Janice, then that's what it had to be." Joey moves in closer to Chandler as his tone become low and earnest. "So, between you and me, how was she?"

"Joe! Will you get out of hear so I can get dressed!"

Chandler pushes him towards the door and Joey grumbles his way out of the room.

Chandler waits until he hears the bathroom door close and then he leaps up from his bed. He frantically gets dressed, throwing his clothes on so fast he misses a few buttons as he closes up his shirt. He reaches over as he slips on his shoes and grabs the sheet of paper that Monica had scribbled on earlier. He smiles as he studies it intently, then he folds it up and puts it back in his night stand drawer. He dances in place as he lets loose a quiet, yet giddy laugh. Once he checks to make sure Joey is still in the bathroom, he rushes through his apartment, quickly exits into the hallway and bounds down the stairwell, hoping he did not take too long with Joey and that Monica was still waiting for him at Central Perk.