"Is there anything else, Sir? I'm tired and would appreciate some rest." With my tone somewhat civil now, I averted my eyes. I didn't want to argue anymore. I wanted to be left alone.
"If there isn't anything else you wish to add… you may leave."
I shook my head curtly. The headmaster's smile widened and he folded his hands on the table.
"Very well. Then we will see each other in Hogwarts."
Without another word and avoiding everyone else's gaze, I turned towards the door. Before I could reach for the knob, however, Severus blocked it swiftly. Annoyed, I glanced up in his blank face. Hard, cold eyes bore intensely in mine.
"Excuse me… Sir!" I stated sarcastically. Black eyebrows frowned deeply. Severus folded his arms across his chest.
"I'm afraid we aren't done yet." He drawled coldly whilst staring me down. Unimpressed, I furrowed my eyebrows and glared at the Potions Professor. Inwardly however, my heart was pounding faster than ever. I knew, I needed to be more than cautious now not to give anything away.
"Well… I'm afraid I don't care." I replied provocative. Behind me, I heard an amused snort. Obsidian eyes flashed shortly as his lips turned in a snarky grin, making my blood boil.
"I expect the truth." My insides turned ice cold. I prayed my face didn't betray me.
"Get out of my way!" I commanded quietly.
"I believe you're still keeping something prudent to yourself." Severus continued stubbornly.
"Get out of my way or I'll hex you." I glared darkly at him but he merely rolled his eyes.
"No, you won't… The truth… Jackson!" A trace of impatience dominated his voice. I sighed and raised my eyebrows dismissive.
"I will… Out of my way… Snape!" I smirked when my imitation increased his anger. His lips curled in disgust as he glared down at me.
"The… truth…!" He growled dangerously but I merely rolled my eyes. Behind me, a chair scraped loudly over the floor.
"Let her leave, Snivellus!" Sirius spat as venomous as possible. I was taken aback with his tone and waited nervously for Severus' reaction. As expected their animosity seemed still as fresh and strong as it must have been when it started years ago as students. Severus curled his lips with disgust and glared at Sirius as if he were the lowest pathetic being.
"Mind your own business, Black!" I shuddered at the lethal tone. Before either could do or say anything Dumbledore interrupted the interaction quite sharply.
"Enough! All of you!" He scowled warningly at the three of us. Then his hard gaze settled on Severus who returned a dark glare. "Severus is there any specific reason for your presumption?"
"Obviously." He forced through gritted teeth and turned back to me. My heart turned cold under his furious expression. He knew something… I could see it in his eyes.
Dumbledore sighed deeply. "Severus don't…" He watched his younger colleague with sorrow filled eyes. Confused, I looked from him to Severus who didn't bother to turn his attention to his employee. Instead, he pierced me brutally with a scrutinizing gaze.
"Either you lied in the headmaster's office or you didn't tell the whole truth. So what… is… it…?" He spat lowly in my face. Goose bumps erupted on my arms as I desperately tried to control my growing panic. Anxiously, I fidgeted with my sleeve again before glaring up at him.
"I've nothing to say to you."
Anything was acceptable now to make him back away. If I had hurt him with my disdainful words, he hid it well. Instead, he took a step closer until we were mere inches away from each other. Before I could react, he had my arms in a painful tight grip. I snarled and glared spiteful at the man so much colder and distant I had ever seen before.
"If you think for once second I would let you leave… I must disappoint you!" The serious notion in his words was more than enough to convince me. Coldness enwrapped my whole body as I stared fearful up at him.
"Severus…!" Dumbledore called sternly. Slowly, his glare still boring straight into my soul, Severus released my arms. Biting the inside of my cheek, I couldn't stop myself from rubbing my arms.
"Let… her… leave…Snivellus!" Sirius growled menacing from behind me. "This is still my house! I won't allow you to harass or torment anyone, least of all my godson's friend." I could already imagine what would happen if Severus didn't listen.
Severus' lips twitched in a malicious smirk when he looked past me. "How touching, Black… and ironic no less… It must be jovial to spend your life here." An icy shiver ran down my spine.
Sirius' face contorted with hatred. "As long as you're not here. I bet Voldemort would be amused if he knew where you were now."
Instantly, Severus tensed, his face turned to the cold mask of indifference. Something snapped in his eyes and they became cruelly hard. I shuddered as I watched the change happen in a mere heartbeat. Horrified, I took a step back. An icy chill ran down my spine once again. I had never seen this side of him and it terrified me.
My heart picked up its pace suddenly. Freezing coldness enwrapped my heart as I simply stared at him with wide eyes. Could it be…?
"No…" I whispered desperate. Suddenly, obsidian eyes bore intensely in mine, not betraying anything. "What did you do?"
He remained silent. Completely rigid, he merely blinked and took even breaths. I had forgotten where I was as I tried to read the man standing an armlength away from me. I pressed my lips in a thin line when the familiar feeling of mental pain made my heart become heavy in my chest.
"Tell me you didn't lie to me!" Hurt dominated my upset voice. "Tell me you didn't go back!"
Severus stayed quiet and kept staring at me emotionless. His indifference clenched my heart painfully. I frowned gloomy in hard black orbs. "TELL ME!"
Suddenly, his mask faltered and something flickered in the depths of his eyes. While his face was still cautiously blank, there was a silent plead in his eyes. My lips trembled as pain seemed to fill every part of my body; excruciating numbing pain.
Wordless, I turned towards the fireplace. I couldn't look at him if I wanted to hold myself together. Yet I couldn't stop some tears to escape my stinging eyes. Never before had I pressed my nails so deep into my wounded flesh. The pain was barely more than a throbbing, my heart overwhelming my body's hurt.
"Why…? How could you go back to him?" I turned back around. I had no strength left to keep my emotions at bay. My face was showing everything for Severus clenched his jaw and shifted slightly. Obsidian eyes watched me; mirroring my own feelings.
"I asked him to." Dumbledore's light voice ripped me out of my trance like state. My pulse sped up rapidly, the freezing cold of betrayal clouded my brain. At a loss for words, I stared at the headmaster before my mind went back to work.
"But… You… I asked you…" I stuttered, my heart aching terribly. "You lied to me?! … After declaring me a liar for almost a year you had the audacity to lie to me?!"
Severus frowned at my accusation, his snarl ice cold. "I… did… not… lie…!" His lips twitched in a mad smirk. "You asked if the headmaster had commanded me… Well… he did not"
Against my will, the familiar feeling of having lost settled heavily in the pit of my stomach. Severus raised one eyebrow as my face contorted into a grim expression. I glared murderous at him; jaw clenched tightly; fingers pressing deeply in my forearm.
"Blasted Slytherin!" I muttered under my breath.
I ignored Severus' mischievous expression and Sirius' quiet chuckle to turn back to the fireplace. Somebody said something in the background but I didn't listen. I couldn't hear anything else than the rushing of blood in my ears. My heart beat stronger against my ribcage with the growing rage.
"Why?" I whirled around in the blink of an eye. My furious glare fixed on the man I so desperately tried to protect. "WHY WOULD YOU AGREE TO GO BACK TO MY FATHER? … HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT TO BE NEAR HIM?"
Few swift strides and I stood right in front of him again. I was fuming, my voice laced with pain and desperation. Severus, however, stared down at me with the cold mask of indifference once again.
"Your life must be truly miserable if you're so desperately wishing for death!" I snarled with disgust and Severus' eyes flashed dangerously. "What the hell is this? Is my father some sort of fucking joke to you or do you truly don't give a damn about your life? …ANSWER ME SEVERUS SNAPE OR I-!"
"ENOUGH!" Severus roared furiously. His burning glare shot daggers at me, his face contorted with rage. "Think for Merlin's sake! … If you would use your brain instead of letting your unstable emotions run riot, you would find this excessive tantrum unnecessary!"
I narrowed my eyes as my insides writhed with anger. "Unnecessary? … My tantrum? … DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? … MY FATHER'S KILLED ENOUGH PEOPLE ALREADY! … I WON'T ALLOW YOU TO ADD YOURSELF TO HIS KILLING LIST! … YOU WILL STAY AWAY FROM HIM! … I'M TRYING TO PROTECT YOU, YOU ANNOYINGLY PETULANT SLYTHERIN!"
There was a short silence during which we were glaring daggers at each other. The only sounds were my heavy breathing and loudly beating heart in my chest.
"You… do… not… command… me… Jackson!" He spat coldly. "Furthermore… I didn't ask you to protect me… nor do I wish protection by anyone… least of all by one of my students!"
My heart was cracking with his crushing words. Without thinking, I raised my hand to slap him as hard as possible.
Before it could collide with his face, however, Severus caught my wrist in an iron grip. His flashing glare was downright mortal. The same instant, my mind registered what I had done – or attempted to do. My feet stood frozen on the spot as coldness enwrapped my whole body. My insides turned to ice as I stared shocked in raging obsidian eyes. My heart was practically jumping out of my chest.
"Enough! Both of you!" The impatient headmaster interrupted our wordless interaction. "Severus release her instantly! ... Aryanna, you would do well to restrain yourself. I will not tolerate another fight!"
My fear hadn't diminished the slightest as Severus released my wrist. Dumbledore's interruption seemed to have had some effect on Severus. Instead of glaring, he was watching me calculating. Still with a grim expression though sparkling black orbs pierced me intensely.
Anxiously, I gripped my forearm tightly until I felt the throbbing itching pain. I averted my gaze and stared frightened at the buttons of Severus' frock coat. My blood had turned cold, my hands were trembling in shock, my body stood on flabby legs as I didn't dare making a sound. I was too shocked about how far my own rage had brought me…
"I believe it is best if you get your rest, Aryanna…" Dumbledore stated calmer now, ripping me out of my panic. Absentminded, I nodded and expected for Severus to step aside.
"Potter…" Severus muttered to my utter confusion. I looked up through my eyelashes to find him scowling at me. "Before I brought you to the hospital wing you were desperate to speak with Potter… Why?"
A coldness I had never felt before made me shiver visibly. Terrible fear held me merciless in its tight grip. Once again, I was unable to tear my eyes away from his. I wanted to look away, leave and get myself back under control before Severus would provoke me to tell the truth.
"I said, it's enough! Step aside Severus. I will not repeat myself!" The warning was obvious for everyone in the room. Yet my heart couldn't feel any relief as Severus' scrutinizing gaze continued wandering over my face. Obviously, he didn't intend to give in anytime soon… not even to his employee.
Suddenly, his expression turned terrifying blank except for his burning obsidian eyes. My blood froze in my veins and I ripped my eyes wide open. It was a very familiar expression; one of realization dawning him.
"Show me your Dark Mark!" Severus commanded sharply and folded his arms firmly across his chest.
"What?" I was unable to say anything else with my dread clouded mind.
Severus narrowed his eyes. "You heard me… The mark!"
Dumbledore spared me an answer as he suddenly appeared next to me. A chilling coldness masked the headmaster's expression as he glared at his younger colleague with eyes hard as ice. Severus looked unimpressed except for the quick flicker of discomfort in his eyes.
"Aryanna has been dismissed. You will step aside now." Dumbledore's voice was hard and cold. I shuddered at the unknown frightening side of Albus Dumbledore.
For a moment, Severus didn't move as he stared gloomy in the elder man's eyes. Then he blinked again and a spark of stubborn determination flashed in his dark eyes.
"No… she won't get away this time." With that he turned his glare back to me. Impatience was obvious in his feature now.
"Severus, this is not the time nor the place for personal disputes."
Severus' burning glare flickered back to the headmaster. His face contorted with anger when he had apparently reached the end of his patience.
"I noticed Jackson gripping her forearm repeatedly in the course of this meeting… I have seen Death Eaters taking the Dark Mark, Albus… None of them… equally whether chosen willingly or not… has been as protective of it…"
The deep baritone drawl made me shudder. Severus' furious gaze pierced me once again. I waited frightened to death if he would convince the headmaster.
"Except for those who… after the Dark Lord's fall… had the foolish assumption the mark could be removed either by means of magic… or well-tried methods…"
I closed my eyes, drawing a shaking breath. Panic filled my heart. Against my will, my fingers bore themselves even deeper into the scared and injured flesh. Freezing coldness and burning heat wandered alternate down my back.
"Aryanna…"
I knew there was no escape. I opened my stitching eyes and pressed my trembling lips in a thin line. I flinched as a warm hand was placed on my shoulder.
"This issue, I trust you understand, is a serious matter…" Dumbledore spoke gentler now, yet I refused to look at anyone. "If Severus' presumption is correct, I will assist you to the best of my abilities… As will he and Professor McGonagall… Do you understand?"
I didn't react. I couldn't do anything with the agonizing fear clouding my mind. My body was in the unrelenting tight grip of panic. Nevertheless, I felt the overwhelming tremble in my whole body. My legs felt as if they would give away any time.
Instinctively, I moved slowly back towards my chair. I barely noticed when Remus cast me a warm, tired smile. My legs shook dangerously as I sat down. Tensed from head to toes, I fidgeted with my hands. I took a deep breath; a poor attempt to make me feel better.
With a trembling hand, I rolled up the sleeve of my left forearm. All to soon, the entire brightly white bandage was exposed. A few more tears rolled down my cheeks as I desperately fought the urge to go any further. But my numb body wouldn't listen and continued painfully slow and smooth.
Pressing my lips in a thin line, I unwrapped the bandage to reveal the bloody wound dressing. While I had renewed it this morning, the rather careless treatment tonight had obviously reopened some crusted wounds. I could hear some people shifting in the room but I saw nothing anymore except for the blood drenched gauze compress. The blood rushed loudly through my ears and my heart was beating strongly in my chest. I gritted my teeth when I finally raised a cold, shaking hand again. My teeth bit deeply into my bottom lip to keep myself from moaning in pain as I carefully removed the wound dressing.
Mrs. Weasley gasped and I could hear several sharp intakes of breath. I wasn't surprised for I saw myself how grotesque my forearm looked. I couldn't help the constant stream of tears that fell softly on the table. Although, I felt the strongest loathing about it, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the disfigured Dark Mark that was barely recognizable anymore. Some small, purple welts surrounded the fresher cuts. The most prominent of scars was the one cutting the skull in half – the first and oldest cut.
A sudden wave of revulsion made it unbearable to look at the grotesque sight any longer so I averted my gaze. I bit my bottom lip as the tears didn't seem to stop, waking a deep rooted need for Severus' comfort. But I definitely couldn't look at him. I didn't want to see more hate, disgust or shame since I felt already more than enough myself.
"Were you aware a Dark Mark is impossible to remove?" Dumbledore's gentle voice cut sharply in my troubled mind. I needed a moment to process his words but then I nodded shortly.
"Are there any other reasons than the ones you named earlier?"
I remained silent. I couldn't feel worse anymore; ashamed, frightened, desperate, guilty, disgusted. I couldn't speak since I didn't know what to say. The suffering part in my heart wanted to tell the truth and was pleading for relief. The desperate, stubborn part, however, was still trying to keep the worst of my secrets to myself. But there was nothing else my mind could come up with to cover.
"No." I whispered defeated. I didn't know what I wanted anymore.
"Does your little chat with Potter have anything to do with your injuries?" Severus asked with a soft yet guarded voice.
I remained silent as my flow of tears slowed down. My empty gaze fixed on the table once again.
"Did you tell the entire truth concerning the events on the graveyard?" It was obvious that he knew the answer already.
Guilt and desperation came back to the surface – even stronger than before the holidays. I closed my eyes as it became to much. Horrible fear was the last enemy which tried to control myself to keep me from talking. Still, the mere thought of seeing the reaction of every person in here- of Severus frightened me to no end…
I flinched as a warm hand took hold of my wrist, gently pulling it. When I opened my eyes, I realised that Remus had stopped me from pressing my fingers on the wounds. His touch had ripped me out of my trance like state. Blinking several times, I slowly lifted my head in Severus' direction. Even though his expression was one of cold indifference, I could see worry in his eyes.
"I… I… couldn't… tell… I couldn't…" I could barely speak as new tears escaped my eyes. My whole body was tense with fear. My gaze wandered helpless over the table but I couldn't see anything except for the silhouettes of every person in the room.
"I didn't… I didn't want… anyone to know… I don't…" I couldn't tell them the truth…
"Aryanna, I can assure you everything spoken in this room remains a secret…" Dumbledore tried to reassure me but my troubled heart wouldn't listen. "Unless there are lives at stake your words will not leave this room."
Frightened, my gaze shifted to Dumbledore. "No one… No one can know about this… Just Harry…" I pleaded desperately as my gaze flickered to Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. "They can't know… Hermione and Ron… No one… Please…"
They nodded in return but that didn't make me feel any better. My body started shaking as I tried to hold back my sobs. I couldn't do this…
"My father… he… he…"
Against my own will, my eyes looked at a very rigid Severus. His knuckles had turned white with the tight grip he had on his folded arms. I averted my gaze and watched the headmaster desperately. I whimpered as a few sobs escaped from deep within my chest.
"Promise me…" My voice cracked again. Anxious with dread, I played with my fingers. His blue eyes were filled with warmth and sympathy. "You have to promise… that it won't… change… anything… … I will… will still fight him… You will fight him… until… until… his death… Promise me… Promise…"
Dumbledore watched me intensely. "You have my word… in the name of every Order member."
I stared at the wooden table for a long time. My hands shook badly now. Never before had I ever felt so cold. I whimpered again as my body trembled with my desperate attempt to keep myself from sobbing.
"The Dark Mark… He…" I squinted my eyes close as it needed all my willpower to say the words. "My Mark… He cursed me…"
"What curse…?" I opened my eyes again when I heard the soft voice of Sirius next to me. My empty gaze rested on the table. More tears streamed down my cheeks, yet I didn't noticed them raining on my hands.
"I'll die… He bound me… to his life… … It doesn't matter… if I die… But I will die with him…"
I couldn't say how long it had been silent… I didn't know how they reacted since I found myself incapable to look at anyone. Sorrow and dread held me in an unrelenting iron grip. My heart pounded loudly; my lungs had difficulties to take in air. My eyes could merely produce single tears for my trembling body robbed them of their entire energy.
"And you are absolutely sure it is the truth?" Dumbledore asked insistent. I nodded slowly.
There was another crushing silence… Sometime, I heard movements and quiet murmurs but I was sinking dangerously fast in my own claw-like fear. I wanted to look up. I was desperate for Severus' comfort. But there was nothing I could do trapped in my state.
"It is certainly for the best to postpone today's meeting…" Dumbledore's calm voice interrupted the deafening silence. "I believe we all agree…"
I didn't listen to the following exchange anymore. Since I had finally spoken the truth I had automatically focused on the ebony clad figure out of the corner of my eyes. Severus hadn't moved an inch. With his arms folded firmly across his chest, he was still blocking the door. The stirlessness was downright frightening.
My breath caught in my throat as there came suddenly movement into the tall man. Faster for my heart to process, he turned swiftly and strode out of my sight. I winced as I heard the final bang of the closing front door.
Severus was gone…
Leaving me alone with the brutal coldness of fear…
Absentminded, I realised when most people left the room. Some were looking at me as they passed, some pointedly avoided turning in my direction. Neither Remus nor Sirius had moved though. I noticed a short exchange between Mr. and Mrs. Weasley before the clattering of pots and dishes interrupted them. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw their children entering the kitchen along with Harry and Hermione. I felt their eyes on me as clear as I could see their heads turning. By their long, obviously shocked stares, I knew I looked at least as bad as I was feeling. Not to mention, the grotesque sickening sight of my disfigured Dark Mark.
Single tears were constantly rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't wipe them away, I couldn't move, I couldn't speak. Words were said but I didn't process them. Someone tried to talk to me yet I ignored it. A hand tried to get my attention by squeezing my shoulder. My cold, lifeless hands on the table wouldn't react to warm hands holding them.
There was only one person I wished to see…
The clattering sound of dishes being placed on the table and chairs scraping over the floor snapped me back to my senses. I blinked before standing up, my empty gaze fixed on the ground. Someone said my name, tried to hold me back but I walked numbly towards the door. I didn't feel my body nor my consciousness. I didn't know if somebody was following me or not but my feet brought me safely to my room. As if in trance once again, I took off my shoes and replaced my jeans with pyjama trousers.
Then I laid down on the cold blanket. I didn't sleep as tears continuously dripped on the pillow…
My heart was frozen in the merciless claw-like grip of fear…