63. The Patronus (Part 1)
Everybody flinched as the front door opened rather brutally. The banging sound resounded awfully loud in the hallway. Harry and Ron abandoned their chess game and glanced at each other. Hermione had dropped her book on the table in surprise at the sudden noise. Suddenly, everything went quiet again. My fairy senses, however, had recognized the powerful yet calm aura of the intruder. The corners of my mouth twitched and my head turned towards the door.
"Snivellus, what an unwelcomed surprise." Sirius drawled as soon as he had spotted his nemesis. Obsidian eyes wandered quickly through the kitchen before settling on a very grim looking Sirius.
"Such an unsurprising welcome, Black." Severus' lips curled into a spiteful sneer. Before the other man could reply anything, his dark eyes spotted me sitting at the opposite side of the table. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from grinning. I couldn't do anything against the slight blush on my cheeks, however when cold eyes pierced me.
"Jackson, follow me." I nodded curtly before placing the bookmark on the opened page. Snapping the book close, I picked it up and hurried towards the door.
"What do you want from her?" Sirius snapped irritated and stood up as well. The malicious expression on Severus' face was enough to send a cold shiver down my spine. I could see him tensing from head to toes.
"Not that it's any of your business but I'm here on the Headmaster's orders… as her teacher."
Sirius' features contorted with barely suppressed anger as he stepped closer. The same moment the spark of happiness in my heart went out again; being replaced with sadness and disappointment. "To teach her what? The Dark Arts or maybe how to become a Death Eater?"
"Once again, I'm astonished with your arrogance and ingenuousness, Black. A small amount of talent on the Quidditch pitch makes you think you're cut above the rest of us… But it hasn't brought you far now, has it? Unless it has always been your secret desire to end up trapped in your own house." Severus spoke quietly, his voice as sharp as a blade.
Sirius was fuming now. Dark eyes flashed dangerously but Severus didn't even flinch. I noticed, however, when Sirius' hand wandered towards his wand. To my horror, Severus had his hand clenched to a fist in the pocket of his frock coat. The murderous expression in his eyes and tightly gritted teeth made him look more frightening than I had ever seen before.
"Sirius… just… drop it." Remus gentle voice interrupted the loaded tension.
"No…" The man in question growled sharply. "Or do you truly trust him not to try anything on Arya? We both know you're a far better teacher than he could ever be."
"Please, is this really necessary?" Mrs. Weasley asked annoyed and scowled at the two men. A motherly stern expression on her face made everyone shift uncomfortably. Neither Sirius nor Severus payed her any attention though. "There are more important matters than this nonsense!"
I rolled my eyes and sighed when neither of them budged. My heart couldn't decide whether I was annoyed, disappointed or sad about the entire situation. I remembered the discussion Severus and I had had in my third year. Back then, Severus had refused to stand down whenever it came to Sirius. The deeply rooted loathing was a matter for itself and wouldn't be solved easily – if ever.
"Jackson." Severus called harshly, snapping me out of my thoughts. Without even casting me a glance, he whirled around and stormed out of the kitchen. A spark of annoyance made itself known and I scowled at his retreating back. Then I hurried after him, my book clutched tightly in hands.
A very grim looking Sirius caught my arm when I passed him. A freezing shiver erupted under his hand and rushed through my whole body. Irritated, I pulled away from his grip and cast him a dark glance.
"Don't touch me, please."
Sirius stared at me for a while before exhaling deeply. "Be careful around him. He's as manipulative and selfish as any other Slytherin. I know you want to trust him but he's not a good person. You don't know him, Arya."
I clenched my jaw and averted my gaze. Anger rushed through my whole body and it needed all my willpower not to blurt out the whole truth about their precious Dumbledore. Then I glared up into concerned dark eyes.
"She's more than capable to protect herself, Sirius. Trust me. You haven't seen her do what I have." Remus interfered. I scoffed and glanced shortly at him. Everyone was watching me but I didn't care. I pierced Sirius with pure anger. The knuckles of my hands turned white due to my tight grip on the potions book.
"Tell me, Sirius. How many times did you have an actual conversation? Yes, he can be selfish and manipulative but so is everyone else. I do trust him with my life… But still, I don't take lies or manipulations lightly – from no one. I don't care about the hatred you share because it doesn't matter – not to me and not to anyone else. My father is the real threat here."
Roughly, I pulled up my sleeve and exposed the Dark Mark. A wave of revulsion flooded through my whole body and left an awful taste in my mouth. My voice was laced with a pain and bitterness I had never heard from myself before.
"This! This is what he wants. This is what he does. He destroys lives and enjoys it. And while the Ministry stands down and does nothing, my father grows stronger every day. But if we start fighting amongst ourselves, we've already lost… I didn't endure his tortures or bear this mark for nothing!"
Clenching my jaw, I averted my gaze. So many thoughts were whirling through my head. My heart was throbbing painfully under the weight of the truth. When I focused on Sirius again, I had somewhat gained back control over my overwhelming emotions.
"We're all on the same side, so I expect you to work together. Nobody's asking you to like each other. Nobody expects you to trust each other on a personal level. I know in your eyes I'm merely a child. If I'd grown up with my people, I would've started weapons training two years ago and received a proper education in magic. My magical and physical strength is pathetic compared to every younger elf's power… Yet here I am… I'm merely asking to focus on the main reason the Order members have gathered again. My father destroys lives and spreads Dark Magic like a disease. It's essential that we work together to destroy him… So look me in the eyes, Sirius, and tell me your mutual dislike is worth innocent people's suffering and death. That your personal dislikes are more important than the outcome of this war."
Sirius frowned deeply at me. I caught the glints of confusion, surprise and respect in his eyes. Suddenly, his lips twitched into an amused grin and he raised his eyebrows at Remus. I watched Sirius with cold eyes.
"Impressive speech. Has anyone ever told you that you have quite the talent of persuasion? Dramatic but effective."
I narrowed my eyes at him and straightened my shoulders even more. "I might not be as strong as other elves but I am still the daughter of a Queen. It has to be of some use in the human world."
"A Princess. Now, that's even more impressive. How come nobody knows this about you?"
Sirius watched me with pure curiosity now. Although I tried to hold on to it, I could feel my anger fading. The constant throbbing of annoyance remained however.
"Because it doesn't matter – never has and never will. I didn't ask for it, nor do I care about my status… Muggle, muggleborn, half-blood, pureblood, magical ability or not, royal family or not… Nobody can choose their blood so why should I care about a useless title?"
"Hm… you've got a point… But still, Princess Arya. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Sirius grinned.
I gulped down the lump in my throat as a cold shiver crept up my spine. My voice was ice cold, my eyes piercing him hard. "No, it hasn't… So don't ever call me that again."
Of course he didn't know that I had called myself Princess repeatedly in the safe solitude of my room. Every single time, I had not seen my mother the way I remembered her. No, I had had a clear vision of my father – the heir of Slytherin. How ironic that I had the right to claim the title of a Princess. I had never seen myself as Princess of the Elvish folk, rather than the daughter of Tom Riddle, the heir of Slytherin. I would always link my title with him…
My head turned towards the door when Sirius whirled around. Severus stood in the doorframe with his arms folded firmly across his chest. The black attire merely added to his intimidating and frightening posture. How much he had heard I couldn't say but the loathing radiating from his body felt terrifying.
"Amusing though it is to watch you being put in your place by someone half your age, Black, I suggest you refrain from pestering my student any further. Unlike you, I don't have unlimited spare time."
Obsidian eyes flashed dangerously at an irritated Sirius. Severus' gaze flickered to me before he stepped aside and motioned me to move. I couldn't even react before his piercing glare had focused on Sirius again.
I bit the inside of my cheek in annoyance and stormed past him. I didn't hear Severus following but I could sense the barely suppressed rage behind me. I opened the door to my room with more force than needed. I stepped inside and threw the book onto the bed, muttering darkly under my breath.
"Why does he have to act so terribly annoying and immature? I mean, what's so difficult about keeping himself out of other people's business and focusing on the matter at hand? Who does he think he is? Telling me who to trust when he's too arrogant and blinded to set aside his prejudices… As if there've never been Death Eaters in Gryffindor, Ravenclaw or even Hufflepuff…"
"Took you long enough to notice." Severus replied drily.
I turned to him with a grim expression. He stood near the open door, both hands behind his back. An eyebrow raised in response to my scowl. Frustrated, I folded my arms across my chest and turned back towards the window again. I sensed the aura of magic behind me as Severus locked and warded the door. The following silence was interrupted by my whirling emotions leaving a chaos in my mind.
"Is there any particular reason for your choice of book or do you simply enjoy a pleasant bedtime reading?" Severus drawled icily. Guiltily, I bit the inside of my cheek and turned around. Severus held the Potions book in one hand and watched me with furrowed eyebrows. His lips were pressed in a thin line. "'The Dark Potions' – this book contains very advanced and dangerous information about the Dark Arts…"
Heat and cold run down my spine at once. I didn't dare looking at Severus and frowned anxiously at the buttons of his frock coat. "I found it in the library… and thought it could be useful…" My voice became quieter with every word. While the reason for reading it in the first place had seemed justified, I wasn't so sure anymore. Not with Severus glaring down at me and becoming more irritated by the second.
He let out a deep breath before throwing the book carelessly on the desk. I flinched as the dull noise sounded awfully loud in my ears. A wave of dread froze me on the spot as Severus snarled in a dangerous, cold voice.
"Useful… For what?"
"To learn what we're fighting…" I said quietly and raised my head. "If I want to be able to help, I need to know how the Dark Arts work. I know I'll never become a qualified healer but I want to use the magical abilities I have to cure injuries caused by Dark magic. I want to find the loopholes to heal what no potion or spell is capable of. But to do so I must know what damage they cause."
Severus stared at me for a long moment. While the anger had vanished there was still a disapproving frown. The longer the silence lasted the jumpier I became. Guilt and fear were overwhelming my mind and left my body tense. My heart almost jumped out of my chest when Severus' gaze flickered to the book. Instantly, his expression hardened before his gaze rested on me. A thick lump formed in my throat.
"No." Confusion took control over my whole body. I gulped and stared at Severus with a questioning frown. Unimpressed, he stared at me with a disgusted expression clouding his features.
"You won't engage in the Dark Arts any further. You can't. Studying Dark magic is a dangerous task. Many witches and wizards have intended to do the same – fools, underestimating the power of their emotions. They may have had noble intentions but the Dark Arts are tempting. One moment – all it needs is one moment of weakness."
A heavy pit in my stomach made it impossible to look at him. "So you think I'm foolish and weak." There was no sympathy left in his eyes when he spat out his next words with great disdain.
"You're a fool, if you believe studying the Dark Arts will help you. They will make you weak. The fear of losing control would tear you apart. Your soul would shred to tiny pieces until you couldn't recognize yourself anymore. Only when you begin to realise it would be too late. The Dark Arts are many, varied, ever-changing and eternal. They follow no rules, have no sense – they bring only destruction. You want to find a cure for that which is unfixed, mutating, indestructible… Furthermore, I believe I don't need to emphasize how sensitive your body reacts to any kind of Dark magic…"
Severus' words resounded loudly in my mind. Of course, I had heard or read all this before. I knew the risks and yet I was willing because there was nothing useful I could do. Piercing, cold eyes made it difficult though to keep justifying my plan. I sighed defeated and averted my gaze.
"What would you have me do instead? Sit around and wait for anything to happen?"
"Do something useful, more promising and study Healing magic." Severus folded his arms and cast me a pointed look. "Which is, if I recall, what you have always wanted. And not wasting your time learning about the Dark Arts."
I blew out my cheeks and let out a long breath. Apparently, my mind's gone crazy over the summer. I thought. Maybe the result of the many Dark magical objects surrounding me… A shiver ran down my spine when a thought came into my mind. The reason I had not turned around as soon as I had realised that there were mostly books about the Dark Arts in Sirius' library. The reason I had pulled out one of the promising books in the first place and begun reading it. Forever branded in my arm. I'm weak and I'm a fool…
Pointedly avoiding looking at Severus, I stepped towards the desk and stared at the worn, old book. I didn't even need to concentrate hard to sense the slight trace of Dark magic on the binding. In the library must have been a very powerful Dark artefact to leave the trace on another normal object. I curled my lips when I realised that I had carried that book with me the last days. It had laid on my nightstand while I had been sleeping. I shuddered inwardly.
"Disgusting… Purely disgusting." I muttered under my breath and clenched my jaw. If looks could kill, if books could die, I would have killed it a dozen times by now. There's no cure for my curse. There'll never be a cure.
I gulped and straightened my shoulders. Determined, I raised my hand and held it over the wooden desk. I snapped my fingers and a green spark lit in the palm of my hand. As if the spark itself were Floo Powder, a crackling, green flame came to life when I let it fall on the desk. In fact, elves were capable to conjure a transportation fire with pure willpower and magic. I didn't need apparition or the floo network.
I tore my gaze from the hypnotising flame. With a heavy heart, I picked up the book and finally threw it into the fire. A tongue of flames engulfed the book until I couldn't see it anymore. A loud crackle and the book and fire were gone, leaving nothing but a lightly burned smell. Thoughtfully, I stared at the spot where the reason for hope had been…
"You're right. I'm a fool and I'm weak…" I said quietly. "Next time I get the stupid idea to open a book about the Dark Arts, remind me." Slowly, I turned towards Severus. His eyes had softened as he watched me cautiously. "I'm sorry."
Severus nodded curtly before silently taking off his cloak. Not really knowing what to do or say, I watched when he placed it on the desk. Although, his hair partly hided his face, I saw when his eyes lingered on the spot where the book had been. An undefinable expression ghosted over his face before he turned to me.
"You know why I came here." Whatever had been going through his mind, his voice was as steady and soft as always. Obsidian eyes watched me with their usual guarded expression.
The corner of my mouth twitched into a smile. My mind pushing aside the current, depressing thoughts. "Yes. Of course I do. The Patronus Charm."
Severus rolled his eyes and raised one eyebrow. "Did I ask you a question?" I flashed and narrowed my eyes as his lips twitched into a smirk. "Didn't think so. Now, come here."
I scowled at his back when he strode towards the door. "Of course I do." I replied overenthusiastic and followed him. "Bossy Slytherin…"
With a slightly irritating cocky expression, Severus flicked his wand and the bed suddenly moved closer to the window. I stared at the space he had created before raising my eyebrows in faked surprise.
"I didn't know casting a charm would require moving my furniture."
"Your furniture?" Severus asked drily and indicated that I should take out my wand.
"Well, it's my room, isn't it?"
"Howsoever…" The familiar expression of the stern Potions Master appeared. Severus folded his arms across his ebony clad chest. "The Patronus Charm is highly advanced magic – well beyond Ordinary Wizarding Level. When cast correctly, it conjures up a Patronus – a magical guardian which acts as a shield between you and the Dementor. The Patronus is a positive force, a projection of all your most positive feelings, and of the very things that the Dementor feeds upon – hope, happiness, the desire to survive – but it cannot feel despair, as real humans can, so the Dementors can't hurt it."
"What does a Patronus look like?" I asked curiously.
"Each one is unique to the witch or wizard who conjures it. There are two types of Patronuses: corporeal which means a Patronus with a particular shape and form and incorporeal Patronus. Incorporeal Patronuses have no particular shape and do not protect against Dementors the way corporeal Patronuses do. Theincantation is 'expecto patronum', which will work only if you are concentrating on a single,very happy, very powerful memory…"
"Expecto patronum?" Severus nodded and changed his position to clear the space. Quietly, I repeated the incantation several times to make sure I would say it right.
"Now close your eyes and look at your past. Choose a positive memory. Recall as exactly as possible the positive feelings."
As soon as I closed my eyes to find a happy memory, my lips twitched into a smile. Like it was yesterday, I remembered when Severus had confessed his love to me. The memory itself was more than enough to make me forget for a moment where I really was. I couldn't stop the small smile when I raised my wand.
"Expecto patronum." Something whooshed suddenly out of the end of my wand; it looked like a wisp of silvery gas. I watched as it vanished again and turned to Severus. He nodded approvingly.
"I didn't expect you to do it first time. Concentrate again, Arya. The memory only. Allow it to fill you up… lose yourself in it… then speak the incantation. Expecto patronum."
I closed my eyes again and tried to push everything else out of my mind. Soon my body felt as if it were floating with the overwhelming happiness and love. Even when I opened my eyes again, I only saw Severus dancing with me on the Astronomy tower. His eyes flashing with pure love and happiness.
"Expecto patronum!"
Out of the end of my wand burst a blinding, dazzling, silver animal. Although there were many thin darker shadows, it was shining as brightly as the moon. I screwed up my eyes, trying to see what it was. The Patronus was bounded silently through the room. Suddenly, it turned gracefully and approached us.
A tigress.
I watched mesmerized as she slowed and came to a halt in front of me. She was huge; its head easily reaching my stomach. Dark eyes watched me before the silver tigress turned towards the window and increased her pace. Then she soared through the window and vanished in a smoky cloud. I needed a moment to collect myself. As realization dawned me, a strong wave of joy rushed through my body and I whirled around.
"Did you see it too? It was a tiger. Or tigress, I think. And she was beautiful!" I beamed at Severus who watched me with a pensive smile.
"Indeed… Many witches and wizards are unable to produce a full, corporeal Patronus."
"Can you conjure it?" I asked curiously. Severus nodded curtly. "What does yours look like? Or is that a personal question to ask?"
"Well, people certainly don't strut around shouting out their Patronus. Whether it's a personal information or something you wish to share is your decision…"
I saw it in his eyes when he became suddenly guarded. His expression changed to cold indifference and he tensed from head to toe. I furrowed my eyebrows and watched him thoughtful. I knew this sort of change from Severus. He felt insecure, which left him feeling extremely vulnerable so he automatically hided his emotions.
"If this is because you don't want to tell me, it's alright, Severus. It's your decision – like you said." I smiled reassuringly and stepped closer. Black eyes were looking at me but he didn't seem to see me. Suddenly, something snapped in the depths of his eyes and he blinked.
"I don't wish to frighten you." Severus said softly. Although he tried to hide it, I saw the flicker of frustration in his eyes.
"Frighten me…? Why? What aren't you telling me?" I felt more than confused and furrowed my eyebrows.
Severus clenched and unclenched his jaw several times. Obsidian eyes observed me closely as he spoke again. "I can't tell you but… I will show you – if you wish."
An uneasy feeling grew in the pit of my stomach when Severus' voice turned even quieter. Undefinable, dark eyes watched me. I desperately reflected our conversation if I had missed something that could explain his behaviour. As far as I could see, I hadn't though.
"Yes, I do."
Severus clenched his jaw and averted his gaze. His features relaxed all the sudden; his eyes turning soft and flashing brightly. "Expecto patronum." The incantation was barely more than a whisper but the power of the spell gave me goose bumps.
From the tip of his wand burst a graceful and gleaming silver animal. My heart skipped a beat when I recognized its form. Mesmerized, I watched the prideful tiger as he landed on the floor, bounded once across the room and soared out of the window. I watched him fly away, and as his silvery glow faded, I turned slowly back to Severus.
"Was… Was that a coincidence? The same Patronus?"
My brain couldn't quite understand what I had seen. Although, my heart was already beginning to interpret it farther than I dared to accept. Severus put his wand away and remained rigid. He shifted slightly before watching me with an unreadable, cautious expression.
"No, it wasn't… The corporeal Patronus generally takes the shape of the animal with whom they share the deepest affinity. You may suspect, but you will never truly know what form your Patronus will take until you succeed in conjuring it… A Patronus is able to change under special circumstances; a serious psychological trauma or emotional upheaval."
I was left speechless as my brain processed his words. My eyebrows settled in a deep frown. "So we both share our deepest affinities with a tiger? What's a tiger's affinity?"
Severus smiled softly. "It's strange, isn't it? What comes from within… Well, let's see. There's self-confidence, ambition, honesty… powerful personality, strong aversion for hypocrisy and falsehood… determination and smartness."
I chuckled and raised my eyebrows. "You're quite full of yourself. You know that?"
Severus raised one eyebrow. "There's nothing arrogant about knowing your characteristics. Whatsoever… I was merely enumerating those we have in common."
"Powerful personality? You noticed, you listed mostly Slytherin traits…" I asked sceptical. Severus nodded with a blank expression. Amusement flashed in his dark eyes though.
"Obviously, a tiger is more similar to a Slytherin than a Gryffindor." He took out his wand and pointed it at the bed. His lips twitched into a triumphant smirk. "Imagine what Minerva would have to say about this."
I muttered quietly under my breath before I realised what he attempted to do. "Wait. Don't move the bed." Severus' eyebrow disappeared under his hair when he cast me a critical look. "I rather prefer it like this."
Severus stared at me with a blank expression. Then he shook his head and muttered something incomprehensible. I bit my bottom lip to stop the grin that threatened to break through. A warm feeling rushed through my whole body when I remembered the silver tigress I had conjured before. With a beaming smile I looked up at Severus.
"Does the same Patronus has to do with our… relationship? I mean… Two different animals would be sort of strange, don't you think?" I blushed and averted my gaze. Anxiously, I played with my fingers.
"Apparently, our deepest affinities make us quite… compatible." Severus responded drily but his lips twitched into a smirk.
The heat in my cheeks increased and I averted my gaze. "Slytherin…"
Severus chuckled lowly in his chest. "Of course… tigress."
My head snapped up so fast, I heard something crunching in my neck. Trying to ease the stinging, I massaged my throat and scowled. "Don't even think about it! Not now. Not ever. I won't be addressed with some mundane, human nickname because of my Patronus."
"Duly noted, Gryffindor." Severus drawled, apparently not the slightest affected by my words. I groaned to myself.
"When do you have to leave?" Anxiously, I glanced at him through my eyelashes. Severus remained rigid as he stared at me with his features as impassive as always.
"I presume, I could stay for a short while. Unless you wish me to leave now." Obsidian eyes pierced me unwavering. His expression betrayed nothing except cold indifference but I heard by the tone of his voice that he meant what he said. Whether he wished to stay or not, I couldn't say though. But it was my choice and I knew what it meant. Severus didn't do anything half-way nor did he accept it from anyone else.
"No…?" I scolded myself for sounding so insecure under his gaze. Nervously, I gulped and bore my nails deeply into my sleeve covering the Dark Mark. Then I raised my head and looked him straight in the eyes. Although, I felt the blush return I tried to sound more resolute. "I want you to stay."