The mood lifted rapidly when Harry returned from his hearing. Apparently, the Ministry had deemed it fit to judge him in front of the entire Wizengamot. The Minister hadn't seemed happy – as Harry told us afterwards – that Dumbledore had interfered and acted as his defence. It was more than obvious that Cornelius Fudge had had every intention to strive for Harry's expulsion from Hogwarts. Of course, the newspapers used the hearing as a new source to spread rumours and false information about Dumbledore, Harry and me. The Ministry was desperate to increase the loss of our credibility concerning the events during the last task of the Triwizard Tournament.
Hermione and – to everyone's surprise – Ron had been chosen as Prefects for Gryffindor. To my amusement, Hermione was already thinking about her new duties and how to successfully achieve them to the best of her abilities. Ron, on the other hand, seemed more thrilled about the fact that his entire family – except perhaps the twins – was celebrating him. Harry, however, had strange mood changes I couldn't quite associate with the current events. He didn't seem particularly happy about Ron's Prefect badge. His mood would change drastically during mere seconds – it was more than confusing. Especially, since no one else could tell when he was only pretending.
I pressed my lips in a tight line when I refilled my cup with butterbeer. The kitchen was crowded with the guests of Hermione's and Ron's celebration; Bill Weasley had joined us for the evening, the young auror Tonks was provoking laughter now and then with her abilities of a Metamorphmagus, several other people I recognised from the Order meeting were present as well. Naturally, Severus wasn't there – much to my regret – although, I had known he wouldn't attend or be invited in the first place.
While the party lifted everyone's spirit, Harry and I seemed to be the only ones who couldn't enjoy ourselves. I for one, was ignoring the short glances I received from the Order members when they thought I wouldn't notice. However, my mind was far from the celebration – I was worrying about Draco's wellbeing. Since the first of September wasn't so far away anymore, I was afraid and eager to see him again. He had made it perfectly clear with our fight that he didn't want any contact. It had taken me a while but I knew I was mainly to blame… If it hadn't been for me to provoke and push him away, he never would have punched me.
"You all right, Jackson?" I jumped when I heard the low growl of Alastor Moody. Suppressing a quiet curse, I placed the cup roughly on the table. I scowled and shook my hand to dry the splashes of butterbeer.
"Oh, I'm feeling peachy." The sarcastic remark was out before I could stop it. Moody laughed shortly and I finally turned around. A contorted expression masked his scarred face.
"I bet. So, Sirius told me Snape's been giving you lessons. Not introducing you in anything dangerous, is he?"
I tensed and clenched my jaw. Moody seemed unimpressed by my glare. Well, that depends if you define kissing him as dangerous. "Why does everyone believe that? Dumbledore told him to teach me and you trust the old man so why does it even matter?"
"Hm… It's true then. You don't trust Dumbledore." Moody narrowed his eyes and my blood began boiling in my veins. I averted my gaze when his false eye fixed me directly. Harry stood on the other side of the table – looking a bit lost next to the laughing twins – and watched me. There was a strange flicker in his eyes that I couldn't identify. I gulped and snatched my filled cup, downing the butterbeer in a few gulps.
"Why the bloody hell does it matter? What's it to you anyway?" I snapped at the limping man, making some heads turn in our direction. I saw Tonks slowly changing her face back to her usual self, watching us with a curious expression. My glare fell on Moody. "No, I don't trust Dumbledore and if you want to know why you should go and ask him. Yes, I trust Severus Snape – with my life if you must know. And I would gladly give my life for him if that means that we win this war! I know it's difficult for you and everyone else to understand but Professor Snape's a human being just like you. He hates Voldemort as much as you do. He's willing to fight and risk his life like everyone else. I told Sirius already, we're all on the same side."
My heart beat rapidly in my chest with anger. I had not expected that much distrust towards Severus to be honest and it annoyed me terribly. Growling, I threw the empty cup on the table. The clatter sounded awfully loud in the quiet room but I didn't care. Without looking at anyone else, I squeezed myself roughly through the crowded kitchen. My lips pressed together when I felt the pain of my nails digging painfully deep into my palms. How did they dare to mistrust Severus when he was the one who had to endure the worst? Severus was the one who was working as a spy. He was risking his life every time he went to a Death Eater meeting. He most certainly had to commit crimes and cause suffering to keep his cover. His soul was slowly ripped apart by the cruelty of my father's dark magic. The Order knew what he was doing and yet they dismissed it as if Severus wanted all this.
"Riddikulus… RIDDIKULUS!"
I halted abruptly when a sobbing voice interrupted my thoughts. Slowly, my legs turned and walked in the opposite direction towards the staircase. Curiously, I climbed the stairs as the voices grew louder. I could hear several loud cracks.
"What's going on?" I saw Remus and Sirius running into a room and followed them. I stopped dead in my track – an icy shiver ran down my spine when I saw Harry's dead corpse lying on the ground. A sobbing Mrs. Weasley was kneeling next to it with her wand loosely in one hand.
A wave of dread filled my whole body when I couldn't tear my gaze from my pale and dead looking friend. My feet moved closer to the horrible sight. A voice was screaming in the back of my mind that this wasn't real – that it was merely a boggart. But I couldn't move or think. I remembered the boggart I had faced in my third year.
Slowly, Harry's green eyes changed to the darkest black. His hair was longer now, his features much older. The dark school robes changed to an ebony frock coat and equally black cloak. I was looking into Severus' dark eyes but they were lifeless and cold.
"No." My voice was barely more than a whisper. I blinked slowly – and drew a sharp breath. Horror washed through my entire body when I saw Draco's corpse. Expressionless eyes stared at nothing; blond hair was stained red with blood. Draco was dead. My brother was dead.
"Arya." I shrieked when a heavy hand rested on my shoulder. I flinched away from the touch and flickered my gaze to Remus. His warm eyes were narrowed with concern. Something told me that he knew what I had seen instead of my best friend's lifeless corpse. "Everyone's all right, Arya. It was just a boggart. Nothing more. You hear me?"
Automatically, I nodded but my heart was still beating loudly in my chest. My hands started shaking at my sides when I looked back at Mrs. Weasley. The boggart was gone and she safely in the arms of her husband. A deep longing awoke at the sight of them. My heart was aching for Severus' comfort. I needed him…
Without anyone noticing, I slipped out of the room and made my way to my bedroom. My eyes were prickling with unshed tears and a cold grip of dread held me firmly. Draco's all right… Draco's fine… Severus would know if anything would've happened to him… He would tell me immediately…
Like a mantra I repeated the same words over and over again but to no avail. The picture of Draco's and Severus' corpses made their way back into my head. I closed the door aggressively and slumped down on the edge of the bed. Exhaling a deep breath, I rested my elbows on my knees and buried my face in my hands.
"Bloody hell." Growling, I tried to take even breaths to slow my heartbeat. "What the bloody hell am I supposed to do with you, Draco? You're my brother for Merlin's sake…"
Should I even tell you about the curse? And what about Blaise and Derek? What will happen if I do? What will you do then, Draco? I shook my head and laughed coldly. Don't fool yourself, Arya. As if you wouldn't know how devastated it would leave him. As if you would remain cool and relaxed if you were in his position…
One swift move and the lamp on the nightstand flew across the room and crashed loudly against the wall. I glared at the shattered pieces and stood. My hands were trembling when I ran them through my hair. Slowly, I walked around the bed and leaned heavily against the window frame.
"Help me, Draco. What do you want me to do? Will you even listen after our horrible fight?" I pinched the bridge of my nose and exhaled tiredly. "A fight that was entirely my fault. Oh, for fuck's sake, I screwed up."
"Are you all right, Arya?" I flinched when I heard Remus' voice behind me. When I turned my head, I saw him approaching me. I returned my gaze to the dirty window, watching but not truly seeing the muggles outside.
"What am I supposed to do?" My voice sounded desperate and exhausted. Severus was the person I needed but I knew I wouldn't see him again before returning to Hogwarts. Remus shifted and stood next to me. I could feel him gazing down at me but I ignored it. The warmth radiating from his body soothed my heart a little. I pointedly ignored the darkness I could sense in his aura – he never chose to be a werewolf and was a good man.
"Well, if you want to tell me what happened, I might be able to help you. You're not alone." Remus' said gently. Conflicted, I clenched my jaw thoughtfully and we both remained silent for a long moment.
My voice was barely more than a quiet muttering when I spoke again. "In third year – when you found me with the boggart – who did you see?"
"Hm… I remember Severus' shape and Harry's… There were Hermione and a few Weasley's, I think… I've to admit, I always wondered why the boggart took the shapes of Draco Malfoy and Blaise Zabini." Although quiet, his voice was laced with curiosity and confusion. Remus' stare was practically burning into my skin. I gulped and pondered whether I should tell him or not. I knew, Remus was trustworthy and what harm would it do if he knew part of the truth. It wasn't as if he didn't know more than most already.
"Draco's not like most people believe and nor is Blaise. They're good people with good hearts. They don't care about blood purity and hate my father as much as we do."
Remus shifted slightly and I could see how he opened his mouth several times only to close it again. He cleared his throat and frowned. "We're talking about the same Draco Malfoy here, aren't we? The Malfoy junior who uses every chance he gets to insult every non-Slytherin around him?"
I sighed and my shoulders slumped down in defeat. "Is there any other Draco Malfoy? Yes, Draco can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. But he was born in the wrong family. He's not a bad person and merely trying to protect himself."
"I'm sorry, Arya but I fail to see the logic. Your words completely contradict his behaviour. I mean, he has insulted your friends uncountable times in your presence. He picks on students because of their origins."
"Have you ever noticed that Slytherins mostly pick on Gryffindors and Ravenclaws?" If Remus was confused by my choice of topic, he didn't show it. Instead he watched me with warm eyes.
"'You might belong in Hufflepuff, where they are just and loyal, those patient Hufflepuffs are true and unafraid of toil. Or perhaps in Slytherinyou'll make your real friends, those cunning folks use any means to achieve their ends.' Those were the Sorting Hat's words in my first year… Gryffindors and Ravenclaws are loyal and defend those they love. But they're also quick to judge because they don't know their limits. On one hand, they'll say they'd do anything to protect those they love. But if it came down to it, they wouldn't. Hufflepuffs would never give such a vague answer, knowing their limits better than anyone else."
"Have you ever wondered why Slytherins are considered evil? Except for the obvious reason of blood purity of course; not every Slytherin believes that rubbish anyway. Slytherins know they have no limit when it concerns loyalty. If a Slytherin tells you they'd do anything to protect someone, you can be sure that they'll truly do everything. That doesn't necessarily mean they enjoy whatever means they're using…"
"Draco's doing whatever he can to protect himself and others, including me. He always knew Lucius would never turn his back on my father when he returned. Therefore, Draco also knew if his father ever heard about him being close to me, Lucius wouldn't wait one second to tell his beloved Master… It's a vicious circle, honestly. Because if Draco wouldn't have acted like a Pureblood fanatic, his father would've heard about it. My father would've heard about it by now and would use Draco against me…"
Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Remus folding his arms across his chest. A thoughtful expression settled on his features and he gazed absentminded out of the window. After a while, he turned his head to look at me.
"So, you truly care for Draco Malfoy."
I sighed and unfolded my arms. Then I turned and faced Remus properly for the first time. "I love him, Remus. I consider him my brother, my twin. Draco's my family and he's as important as Severus… They both need to survive this war… But my curse is making everything much more complicated…"
Frustrated, I threw my hands up and shook my head. Once again, my fingers bore deeply into my marked forearm without me even noticing. Remus' expression softened and he watched me shifting insecurely.
"I know, we don't see eye to eye and probably it's none of my business but how did Severus take it? I noticed, he fled the house as soon as possible that evening. I saw him and tried to talk to him but… well, it's Severus… Not one to discuss his feelings and very hard to read."
I gulped and my heart throbbed painfully in my chest. Avoiding his gaze, I leaned my shoulder against the window frame. "Not well… Not at all…"
"That explains your outburst during the meeting, I suppose…" Remus turned back towards the window. "Would it help him to have someone to talk to? I mean… after learning about your curse… surely, you'll understand how difficult it's for all of us to accept it. We're talking about it more often than not and Molly's devastated, although she's trying not to show it."
I felt my heart growing heavier with every word. Yet I couldn't suppress the half-hearted scoff and scowled. "Oh, Severus is more than devastated, I can assure you. Yet, he'd rather rip your head off first before talking to any of you. Although, he could use somebody who takes care of him – someone who isn't me, that is…"
My eyes prickled when I turned to Remus. I watched him with my unguarded desperation and fear. "It destroyed him inwardly, Remus. Severus is one of the most loyal and trustworthy souls I've ever met. He'll do what is necessary to bring my father down, but in doing so, he'll break the promise he made to my mother – to protect and keep me alive. So – when the time comes – he'll have to let me die, he'll leave my friends to die if his work as a spy is more effective for my father's destruction than their lives. Severus gave me his word not to risk his cover or life if not absolutely necessary – he's very important in this war and for the Order… This is what I meant when I said true Slytherins are willing to do everything. Severus downright refused the promise to try and survive this war and Draco would most certainly do the same…"
"You know Severus. He can be an infuriating, annoying, petulant, sadistic git – I'm very well aware of it. You'd need a lot of patience and probably would've to endure his entire range of insults. But if you remain just as persistent, he might talk to you. I know, it doesn't sound promising, but I'd be forever grateful if you tried nonetheless."
"I honestly don't think Severus is willing to talk to me out of all people, but I'm willing to try."
I blinked rapidly to keep my tears from falling and my lips turned into a bitter smile. "Who else would talk to him who knows how to deal with his temper? Severus is a very complex and private person, we both know that."
Remus chuckled and nodded. "The most complex person, I've to admit. But I'll try."
I let out a long breath and nodded shakily. "I appreciate your help, Remus. Thank you."
He nodded again and smiled sheepishly. "Well, I suppose the change of topic is my fault. We were talking about Draco Malfoy… I heard you blaming yourself for a fight when I entered earlier…?"
Sighing, I crossed my arms and bit my bottom lip. Suddenly, I felt like a scolded student again. "Yes, well… Draco and I had a huge fight… I provoked him until he snapped and punched me in the middle of a crowded corridor."
Remus straightened and cleared his throat. He raised his eyebrows until they disappeared under his hair. "That's… surprising to hear. I never would've taken you for the type for physical fights… I assume Professor McGonagall wasn't pleased?"
"Of course not. She wanted to put us in detention but Severus convinced her not to… He believed time apart over the summer would be enough to make us see reason." I bit the inside of my cheek and pointedly ignored Remus' stare. Severus had been right. I regretted the fight but I didn't know if Draco would be willing to listen to me. "What am I supposed to do? During our fight he told me that he'd reached his limit and wouldn't bother to talk to me ever again… And to be honest it was my intention when I started the fight but now… I don't know."
"You were trying to push him away because of the curse?" Remus asked frowning and I nodded curtly. "I think, I dare say that I understand your motive, Arya. But wouldn't you prefer knowing the truth if – lets assume Severus were cursed? Would you accept if he lied to you about his impending death to protect you?"
A long, heavy silence followed his question. My thoughts were whirling wildly in my mind but my heart knew the answer already. "No, I wouldn't." I muttered quietly.
Remus smiled reassuringly and his voice sounded gentle when he spoke again. "You know when… when James, Sirius and… Peter went to Hogwarts with me, I lied to them. I made all sort of excuses for my behaviour, stupid really. I felt terrible about lying to my best friends. I loved them… When they finally learned the truth, I felt so relieved. My friends supported me more than I had ever dared to imagine… Suffering from lycanthropy… is horrible… but with my friends by my side I knew I could cope with it…"
"Although, I have difficulties imagining Draco Malfoy as a kind person – forgive me for that – you care a great deal for him. Tell him the truth and I promise you'll feel much better… After all, it helps that Severus knows the truth, doesn't it? Even Sirius noticed that you respond differently to Severus. After the last meeting, Molly even went so far as to ask Severus why he had such an influence on you."
The corner of my lips twitched upwards and I chuckled. "Did you hear his response?"
Remus grinned and his eyes sparkled with mirth. "Ah, yes. About everyone in the room heard it since Molly's question silenced the entire room. I suppose everyone was interested in his reaction – myself included. After all, Molly Weasley can be as impressive and intimidating as Severus if need be…"
"Did you know that Mrs. Weasley is one of a handful of people who can actually silence him? Severus would never dare to disrespect her with a sharp or sarcastic reply." I smirked up at Remus.
"Hm, that probably explains it… Merlin help us if Severus suddenly began to openly acknowledge someone's efforts, but he did express his respect for your intelligence and competence – in his own way of course. I was surprised to hear that he has apparently adapted his expectations of you to your existing knowledge about Potions. And by Minerva's and Dumbledore's expressions, I think they didn't know either. Either way, Severus stated his adequately high expectations and support were the reasons he has earned your respect. And that he earned your trust by treating the health concerning issues since your first year." Remus chuckled and cast me an amused look. "I bet half of the Order members were questioning Severus' mental state at this point. He's a very challenging man and throwing out praises isn't like him."
I laughed and nodded in agreement. My heart warmed with Remus' words though and I couldn't hold back the beaming smile. Severus' answer was undoubtedly the highest praise someone could get – and I was the one he had been referring to. Remus shifted slightly and folded his hands.
"Well Arya, I believe it's time for me to leave. It's getting late and I'm quite exhausted to be honest. I hope, my help was enough to allow your mind a proper rest."
My smile faltered and I watched Remus cautiously. "Alright. Yes, you were a great help. Thank you. Except for Severus, I don't really have anyone to talk about- You won't tell anyone, will you?"
"Of course not. Even though, I'm curious. Who else knows about Malfoy?"
I bit the inside of my cheek before answering him. "Severus, Professor McGonagall, Dumbledore, Blaise, his mother, his adoptive brother… and Hermione…" Too many people, I added silently. Too many people causing too many risks.
"Hermione? How did that happen?" Remus raised his eyebrows in surprise. I unfolded my arms and scowled at my nightstand.
"I suppose we became reckless last year when Blaise's brother was with us at Hogwarts. It was the first time in years that the four of us have been together again… Isn't she the brightest witch of her age…" I added sarcastically and Remus chuckled.
"I suppose she is, yes."
My head snapped up and I watched him intensely. Remus knew my secret as well now. Although, I doubted he would tell anyone, I knew my father could easily invade his mind if he got the chance. I could feel the increasing pulsating magic in my veins, my heart – ancient magic – binding Remus in a way he couldn't possibly imagine.
"Do you give me your word that you won't tell anyone about my brother? No one can know. If my father should ever hear about our connection, he will use Draco against me. And honestly Remus, the thought frightens me as much as knowing that Severus returns to my father regularly, because I don't know how far I'd go to protect him."
Remus stared at me for a very long time. His brown eyes flickered with something I couldn't define. Finally, he nodded. "I promise never to tell anyone about Draco Malfoy or Severus."
I gulped when the swirling magic in my body burned painfully. Then it vanished, leaving nothing more than the usual faint pulse of blood and magic. I averted my gaze when I realised what I had just done. Remus was bound with ancient magic until I released him, his or my death. Even if he wanted to, he would never be able to breathe a word about my connection to Severus or Draco. The moment he tried, the knowledge would slip his mind for as long as necessary.
"You can talk to no one about it except for those who know already." I added as an afterthought. Remus nodded, not understanding the true meaning of my words. What would Severus say if he knew?
"Alright. I'm leaving you to yourself then. I wish you a restful night, Arya. I'm sure, we'll see each other again before you all return to Hogwarts."
I smiled sheepishly and nodded. Only when Remus closed the door behind him did I dare to exhale shakily. Did I even have the right to create a magical vow without his consent?
The next days passed terrifyingly fast and yet annoyingly slow. We weren't allowed to go to Diagon Alley to buy our new school books. Apparently, Dumbledore didn't want us to walk out in the open by ourselves. Although it irritated me to be patronized by the Headmaster again, I knew Severus would be more than relieved.
My conversation with Remus was constantly whirling around in my mind. I couldn't wait to get back to Hogwarts and see Severus. Yet, I felt terrified about meeting Draco again. I knew – my heart constantly reminded me – I knew I had to tell him the truth… but I didn't want to. In my mind, I was thinking back and forth about whether I should really tell him. It went so far that I couldn't even concentrate on my surroundings. My friends – well, mostly Hermione and the Weasley's – had to snap me out of my thoughts regularly. Harry seemed to brood about his own problems… only adding to the list of thoughts I was trying to solve.
Severus smirks and runs his fingers provocative light over my face. My cheek tingles, my skin covers with goose bumps… Severus' soft velvet voice making it impossible to think… "Tell me to stop, Arya." …His lips pressing against the smooth curve of my throat, the soft flesh of my ear… His lips hovering over my throat; his shallow breaths caressing and tingling my skin… Severus' bare chest feels warm and comforting under my fingers… My skin is burning; Severus' hair teasing my exposed skin in new places; warm gentle fingers exploring my upper body and lips following… Obsidian eyes – flashing with love and desire, boring intensely in mine…
"Arya Jackson, for Merlin's sake."
I blinked and froze on the spot, although my body was burning with my recent thoughts. I realised that I was still holding my robes in hands. I dropped them absentminded in the opened suitcase. A shiver of desire rushed through my body; my stomach was still tingling with the strong feelings of Severus' hands and lips… So gentle, yet enough to provoke a burning sensation – not allowing any coherent thoughts.
"Arya?" I heard the amusement before I saw it. I lifted my head and found myself on the receiving end of a very cheeky grin from my best friend. My cheeks heated up suddenly, a deep blush creeping to my face. My heart was hammering rapidly in my chest. For once, I had not been thinking about Draco or my father… I bit my bottom lip but to no avail. The corners of my lips twitched into a secretive smile.
"What thoughts did I just interrupt?" Hermione asked and chuckled when I turned towards the wardrobe to hide my glowing cheeks. "Ah, come now. You can tell me, Arya… Were you thinking about your boyfriend?"
"Boyfriend? I didn't know you have a boyfriend." I whirled around horrified when I heard Ginny's voice. She looked from Hermione to me with a curious expression and a soft smile on her lips. The second she spotted my deep blush, they widened to an equally amused smirk.
"That was the point." I muttered under my breath but couldn't stop smiling nonetheless. Thank you, Severus, for managing to embarrass me even without your presence… Although, I enjoyed the afternoon with you… If possible, my blush grew even deeper and my lips turned into a very triumphant smirk.
"…confessed their love to each other the evening of the Yule Ball." I heard Hermione somewhat distantly. I desperately tried – truly tried to focus on the actual conversation but the thoughts of Severus' touches couldn't be pushed back.
"Well, who would've guessed that our conservative fairy could be so romantic. Do you know the lucky guy?" Ginny plopped down on my bed next to Hermione. I scowled half-heartedly when they started giggling.
"Conservative? I'm not conservative!" With a little more force than necessary, I threw my books into the suitcase. Another memory of me boldly undressing myself in front of Severus came into my mind. And during my night in his quarters last year, I had merely been dressed with Severus' shirt and my underwear. I smirked mischievously and looked at my giggling friends with gleaming eyes. "No, I'm most certainly and definitely not conservative."
Hermione's expression changed rapidly from amusement to shock. Ginny – as always, the fiery redhead – laughed at the both of us. When Hermione cast her a stern look, she tried to calm down but to no avail. I chuckled, a warm sensation growing in the pit of my stomach and continued packing.
"Did you… honestly… You didn't… did you?" Ginny asked eloquently, pressing a hand to her lips to hide her chuckle. Inwardly, I was debating with myself – Draco would have been proud. My smirk widened at Hermione's expression when I merely looked from Ginny to her before resuming to arrange the contents of my suitcase.
"Arya, stop smirking and tell us the truth." Hermione demanded, snapping out of her shock only to cast me a very stern look. I packed the last book and a set of robes into my bag for the train ride.
"You know, perhaps you two should grow up a little." I chuckled and collected the few leftovers. My best friend growled disapprovingly. "I'm not conservative." My gaze rested on the bed – the pillow where my head had rested while Severus had kissed me uncountable times. I felt myself relax and smiled, my heart warming with thoughts of the man I had fallen in love with. "But no. We didn't." I chuckled softly and looked at a less terrified Hermione. "Believe me, he wouldn't even be willing to think about the possibility of sharing a bed if I brought it up, let alone discuss the possibility or any further thoughts."
Ginny had calmed down by now, but an amused smirk was still on her lips. "So you found yourself a matching conservative boyfriend. Well, to be honest, you never struck me as the type to sneak around and snog guys in dark corners or random classrooms anyway."
Not random classrooms, actually. I furrowed my eyebrows and scowled. "I'm still not conservative though and neither is he. And by the way, I don't snog – not with any guy or my boyfriend. I have decency and don't wish to get involved with just anyone. I do respect and value myself."
Ginny grinned and even Hermione chuckled amused. She cast me an apologetic look and tried to contain her laughing. I raised my eyebrows and watched them questioning. As far as I knew, there hadn't been anything funny in my reply.
"But you don't know before getting involved if you'll grow close or not. I mean, I'm not one to throw myself at guys but how are you supposed to get to know someone – to know if you like someone, if you don't open up to them?" Hermione tried to explain. Ginny snorted and cleared her throat, casting Hermione a cheeky grin.
"Like Viktor Krum?" Hermione blushed and cast Ginny a dark look. With her reddening cheeks it didn't look impressive though. I ignored her comment and frowned at my best friend.
"By spending time around them, obviously. Observing, listening, talking." I couldn't understand what she was trying to tell me. Hermione was contradicting herself. Confused, I picked up a Potions book I had found in the library and stared at her. We were frowning at each other while Ginny tried to suppress a laugh.
"So you get involved with them." Hermione stated matter of fact. I shook my head and chuckled in confusion.
"Hermione, you're not making any sense. I just told you, I don't get involved with anyone." I crossed my arms and leaned against the bed footboard. Hermione and Ginny stared at me as if I were some strange magical creature, they saw for the very first time.
"If you speak with somebody – and I'm still talking about guys – you're automatically getting involved with him and opening up." She sounded slightly frustrated. I sighed and shook my head.
"So you claim in order to know if I like somebody, I have to tell him private matters about myself and open up, as you call it?" I raised my eyebrows and watched her amused. Now it was my turn to laugh at their confused expressions.
"Well, yeah." Ginny answered instead. "Because you only know if you truly like somebody, if you know more about him than just the basics."
"So in your opinion, we can only pass the basics if we tell each other private matters? I have to tell the other person things about myself so that they tell me things about themselves?" I laughed and rolled my eyes. "If you want to trade with your secrets, it's your decision. I certainly won't. Honestly, if that's how humans form relationships, it sounds quite… disturbing… and sad, actually."
I smirked to myself and watched my friends' expressions. Their confusion had become worse when they exchanged glances. Hermione opened her mouth several times only to close it again.
"Well, how do you form relationships? And what do you mean with 'humans' as if you would act differently? We know you're a fairy but you're not very different from us."
My smirk vanished and I stared at her. A cold shiver ran down my spine. In the back of my mind, I heard Severus' voice in a very vivid memory. So many times, I had ended up crying when I had been around other muggle children of my age – not because they didn't know magic, rather than their behaviour. Children hitting each other, children screaming at each other, children teasing each other, children tormenting insects and other smaller animals until they died, parents lying to their children, adults lying to each other… The lack of respect… Being barely more than a child myself, without enough control of my magic to shut it all out, I had felt it all – every lie, every pain, every death. For years, I had hated going out with Severus because wherever we had gone, there had been pain in all existing shapes… Every time I had ran back to Severus and begged him to go back home, he had taken me aside and explained the psychological principles of human beings – why they acted selfish and without respect for those surrounding them. And I had always had difficulties to accept these principles because Severus was different. He didn't lie nor did he ever intentionally hurt me – if it weren't for my father, he would be allowed to show his true self to everyone and wouldn't have to act so terrible. He rarely allowed himself to act disrespectful. Admittedly, last year we had been close to crossing these limits, but I was convinced it was because of our changing relationship…
Speaking of relationships – my friends were still watching me expectantly, waiting for an explanation. I bit the inside of my cheek and sighed. That was a conversation I had dreaded for years, knowing it was inevitable, yet I had hoped I wouldn't have to bring it up. All traces of amusement had left my features and my voice was quiet.
"I am not human, Hermione. I'm a fairy, elf, elb – however you wish to call me, it means all the same. My father might be human but fairy blood dominates, although the power decreases with each generation. Half-fairies don't exist so I'm as much a fairy as you're a human. You're humans and a witch or wizard, I'm a fairy. Magic exists since the beginning of time; fairies exist since the beginning of Magic – we are Magic, pure magical creatures."
Hermione and Ginny were staring at me in a trance like state.
"I don't tell anyone private things about myself without a reason – without trust. My way to get to know new people is by watching their behaviour when they're alone or with others, listening to their words and reading their expressions. I was merely a child when I learned about human motives and psychology. In order to lay low and not attract any attention, I adapted my attitude as much as I could without completely betraying myself. And yet, there are still so many things about human convictions and conducts I don't understand… and probably never will."
I pushed myself of the bed footboard and smiled sadly. "There are so many things I could tell you about myself that you don't know. But I don't particularly feel like explaining the way I think about everything at the moment. There are more pressing matters and things to worry about."
I unfolded my arms and gazed at the Potions book in my hands. Like worrying about Draco or Severus or my father…
"GINNY, HERMIONE, ARYA. DOWNSTAIRS, NOW." We were interrupted by a distantly shouting Mrs. Weasley. The heavy silence broke when Ginny chuckled and jumped off the bed.
"Well, we better hurry before Mum wakes the portrait of Sirius' mother. I'm not keen to listen to her screamed insults."
Hermione caught my arm before I could leave the room. She pierced me with an insistent look. "But you will tell us, right? I mean, I would love to know more. Until now, I didn't see that much difference between you and myself."
I sighed and scowled at the ugly tapestry in the room. "Of course, I will but we have to be careful about it. People still don't know who or what I am and I'd prefer if it stayed that way for as long as possible…"
Hermione released my arm and grinned satisfied. I smirked to myself as she turned away. Sometimes, it was predictably easy to make her happy.