77. A lesson in Ancient Magic
Never before had I felt so nervous in my life. My heart was racing in my chest. My mouth felt dry as I stared at the wooden chest in front of me. Today was the day I would examine its content and watch my mother's memories. While my friends had left for another meeting with Dumbledore's Army, I had chosen to use the time of their absence.
Taking a deep breath, I opened the wooden lid. Absentminded, I ran my fingers over the smooth surface. The delicate carvings of star-shaped flowers in the naturally white wood caught my attention. My lips curled into a smile.
The chest was divided into three parts, three smaller boxes. One contained the vials with my mother's memories. A trembling hand reached for the box filled with elbish fabrics. My mouth opened astounded when I felt the smooth texture. It felt nothing like the clothes I was wearing now or had felt before.
My awe quickly subsided as I pulled out a green miniature dress. It was only slightly bigger than my hand. Confused, I stared at the tiny dress. My gaze flickered back to the box. What I had mistaken for pieces of fabric turned out to be uncountable pieces of clothes. Dresses in all colours, long-sleeved shirts, trousers, boots and robes. Carefully, I laid the green dress on the carpet and pulled out my wand.
"Engorgio," I said and flinched as the dress grew rapidly.
My breath caught in my throat when my eyes wandered over the flawless, beautiful elbish dress. Amazed, I ran my fingers over the soft texture. It felt perfect. The richness of the green reminded me of the forest. The neckline was decorated with silver stitching. The dress itself was modest yet the most elegant I had seen. The dress I had worn during the Yule Ball would surely look ridiculous compared to this one. I knew that elbs were modest beings. They wore and did whatever they liked without caring for other people's opinions. I suspected that this was the reason I had never liked wearing short-sleeved shirts or skirts. I felt uncomfortable when my skin was exposed for everybody to see. It left me feeling vulnerable and naked. Additionally, it made hiding the mark much easier since I would not accidentally wear anything less than long sleeves.
With a sad sigh, I shrunk the dress again. As long as nobody knew who I was, I could not wear any of these clothes. They would only attract unwanted attention and raise questions. Letting out a long breath, I placed the dress back inside the box and took the third one out. Without thinking, I pointed my wand at the box and enlarged it.
An involuntary gasp escaped my lips. The box had grown larger than the chest. If I had not been staring at the content, I would have expected a broom in the box. Instead, I stared at the objects with wide eyes. My heart nervously leapt in my chest. All sorts of weapons were arranged neatly in prefabricated forms. Swords, knives, a bow, arrows and two weapons I had never seen before. But the weapon that caught my attention was the sword in the middle. My mother had carried it with her in her memory.
Hesitantly, I took it out of the box. It was lighter and bigger than I had expected. My fingers wrapped itself around the wooden hilt. It fitted perfectly into my hand. With one smooth movement, I pulled the curved sword from its sheath… and almost dropped it.
The blade was made off shining iron. Beautiful silver carvings decorated it from the hilt to the dangerously sharp point. The core of my magic was humming contently as it connected with the magical iron. Yes, this weapon had been forged with Ancient Magic. A smile crept on my lips and excitement light my body like fire.
I jumped to my feet and experimentally swung the sword. It felt like an extension of my arm. The rest of my body, however, felt as if I had lost the ability to walk. I felt uncoordinated with the weapon in my hand. Although I felt the connection to the sword, I knew I had no idea how to swing it.
"Ouch," I gasped and instinctively dropped the weapon. With a loud, clattering sound, it landed on the stone floor. I hissed as I stared at my leg. The blood was staining the black trousers even darker. "Barzûl," I cursed under my breath. In my enthusiasm, I had accidentally cut my calf. I had momentarily forgotten that this weapon was meant to harm, to kill.
Grumbling, I sat on the floor and examined the burning wound. It was not deep. Closing my eyes, I focused on my magic. Then I watched as the skin grew back together, leaving an uncomfortable throbbing. Frowning, I pointed my wand at the fabric.
"Reparo." A second spell vanished the blood. "Very smart, Arya. No inkling of weapons, but you simply have to act like a brainless first-year."
More careful now, I placed the sword back where it belonged. Then I levitated the entire weapons' box to one of the tables. I would take a look at them when I had seen my mother's memories. Thoughtfully, I clenched my jaw. Did I want to use a weapon in a fight? Was I truly capable of stabbing somebody or attack a wizard with a sword? With a shake of my head, I turned away. I would not face this question today. I had come for another reason.
My hands had stopped trembling when I opened the second vial containing a memory. I held my breath when the foggy substance floated in direction of my forehead…
I found myself standing on the same clearing. A light wind was rustling through the trees. I raised my head to glance at the darkened sky. The scent of rain was almost perceptible. When I looked around, I found my mother sitting on a tree stump. My heart clenched painfully in my chest when I stepped closer. She truly was the most beautiful woman. Her hair was braided elegantly and left soft shadows on her face.
Slowly, I sat down in the grass. My mother's calm concentration was on the piece of wood in her hand. With smooth movements, the knife in her other hand carved an unrecognizable form. I folded my legs and watched fascinated as she worked with enviable patience and accuracy. The steady sound of her carving calmed my excited heart.
"What is magic," my mother's bell-like voice sounded as perfect as she looked. I was snapped out of my trance and listened attentively. "Magic is the art of thinking, not strength or language. Sound itself has no control over magic. It exists since the beginning of time. It was hard to control, however, for it was then only controlled by thought and not bound to a language. A magician nearly destroyed the world when they used a spell improperly. To ensure that such an event never happened again, the Ancient folk – the elbs, bound their language, called Nyanja, to magic. It made the use of magic much easier."
"Magic is the art of thinking. A true master of Nyanja can use the word for water and create something that appears to be entirely unrelated, such as a gemstone, though the relation would be clear in their mind. A spellcaster's abilities are limited only by their inventiveness: the smarter the spellcaster, the more they can accomplish with one word or do without the structure of the Ancient Language. Most magic users, however, continue to speak words aloud, ensuring that stray thoughts don't disrupt the spells they cast."
My mother smiled to herself, her eyes glittering with saddened happiness. "Perhaps you have witnessed Severus' magic by now. He might be a wand user, but he possesses a natural power that not even Tom could possibly understand. Severus' magical abilities are unique and pure, but it is his extraordinarily sharp mind that allows him to cast various spells at the same time. Precision, speed and intelligence are his key to power… and the fear of losing control over himself, sometimes over others, is what tends to hold him back. We all have strengths and weaknesses, Arya, and they will never leave us for they are one and the same. All depends on how you see the world and what you think of yourself."
"When it comes to a duel with magic, intelligence is even more important than strength. The way to defeat another magician is not by battering blindly against his mind. No, in order to ensure victory, you have to figure out how your enemy interprets information and reacts to the world. Then you will know his weaknesses, and there you strike. The trick is not inventing a spell no one else has ever thought of before – the trick is finding a spell your enemy has overlooked and using it against him. Slip underneath or around the barriers. No one is omniscient, Arya. Always remember that! Tom may have immense power, but he cannot anticipate every possibility. Whatever you do, you must remain nimble in your thinking. Tom is mad and therefore unpredictable, but he also has gaps in his reasoning that an ordinary person would not. If you can find those, Arya, then perhaps you and Severus can defeat him… I hope you do."
My mother's features hardened, but the blade in her hand continued working with the utmost care and patience. "You must learn how to use your magic, Arya, learn Nyanja. You need to know your strengths and weaknesses, how much life energy you have, how to distinguish instincts from emotions." For the first time, my mother looked up and I swallowed the thick lump in my throat when I saw her expression. The softness had vanished. Instead I looked into the hard eyes of a warrior. "Never forget that magic is the power of nature. Elbs are meant to protect and treat it with the utmost respect. Magic can save you… but it can also demand your life."
"Magic depends upon the caster's life energy. A spell beyond your capability will kill you, whilst a spell close to the limit renders you unconscious. Also, once the magical energy is released, it cannot be undone. Thus if you formulated a spell so that there can be only two options, success or death, and a stronger adversary could prevent the spell from succeeding, you would invariably die. This can be circumvented by formulating spells as processes which can be cancelled at will. Never forget this, Arya."
For a long moment, the chirping birds and rustling of leaves were the only sounds. Curiously, I watched as my mother gently wiped the dust off her carving. A tender smile came to her lips as she placed the wooden figure at her feet. My heart leapt in my chest and an involuntary gasp escaped my lips. It was a tiger.
"There was a time – long before I was born, when elbish ambassadors crossed the borders between this world and ours regularly. They used magic to help humans survive with their rapidly growing population. Elbs treated diseases and taught them how to live peacefully for many centuries… until the most unexpected happened. The first elb found her soulmate in a human woman. They fell in love, but the time they were living in was a time when unions of the same sex were frowned upon. Fearing to be ostracized by her own people, the human woman married the man she had been promised to. It broke both their hearts, so the elbish woman yielded to her beloved's wish and left the human world. Before she left, however, the elb gifted her one seed of the magical tree Methuselah, the oldest tree existing in the human world. The first wand, used by the human woman to debug her field, was a simple stick from the Methuselah. And with her three children, the ability to use magic passed on in her family, slowly increasing the number of witches and wizards in the human world."
"Humans discovered that magic could be used for more than just healing and tilling their fields if they bound it to language. Yet, despite the hunger for power, the exclusion of those who possessed no magical abilities until the International Code of Wizarding Secrecy, one can still find traces of the very first magic in pine wood. A pine wand always chooses an independent, individual master. It enjoys being used creatively, and unlike some others, adapts unprotestingly to new methods and spells. It is one of those that is most sensitive to non-verbal magic."
"Magic has manifested itself in the human world, Arya, which is why Dark Magic is so dangerous. It has the power to destroy not only the magic here, but also nature. And while human beings are responsible for their use or misuse of magic and must bear the consequences of their mistakes, the magical creatures, the innocent animals, every plant and every tree – they would suffer as well. Dark Magic has spread so far that no elb can survive in the human world, which is why you are on your own, my daughter. I don't know what sort of magic Tom used to bind me, but when the spell broke I had not enough power left to flee this world and return to my own."
"My greatest mistake was not falling for Tom's trap but believing that I knew my weaknesses when I came to this world. I thought I knew everything about humankind, but I was wrong." My mother smiled at the wooden tiger. "I have no regrets though for I have a beautiful daughter. I have made my peace, Arya. I am fighting him… for you. So, know that I love you more than anyone else." She picked up the fist-sized carving and gently ran her fingers over it. "I must leave now, my daughter, and so do you. Never forget who you are, Arya Evandar. You are my daughter and you carry nothing but light in your soul. Atra du evarínya ono varda. May the stars watch over you."My heart was crying out for her to stay a little longer, but my body remained frozen in its position. This was nothing more than a memory, a distant image of my mother. My eyes itched when my eyes landed on hard stone instead of grass and trees. On wobbly legs I walked to the fireplace and sat on the carpet. My gaze settled on the dancing flames, but my mind was far away from Hogwarts.
It was obvious that my mother had not known about my curse or that I was supposed to die. Nor had she known how my father had bound her to him. Tears of anger burned in my eyes as I glared into the crackling fire. My father had taken my mother from me. He held power over Severus, over my brother, my friends, my future… my life. His hold on my life was frightening, but I found comfort in the thought that he would never control my heart. My life was bound to him, but he could never control my soul nor my heart. As long as I was free to make my own choices, to fight for what I believed in, he would not win…
I pondered over my mother's words for a long time until the burden of the truth became too much to bear. The hope for a peaceful future in her words began pulling me back into the spiral of dark, depressing thoughts. I knew I could not think about the future I would never have if I wanted to keep fighting. Without further ado and a troubled heart in my chest, I left the room to talk to Severus. But I found myself incapable of uttering a single word when I was finally facing him. Instead I closed the gap between our bodies.
"Arya," Severus muttered confused when I wordlessly laid my head on his chest and wrapped my arms around him. I frowned when he flinched under my touch before his muscles slowly relaxed. I took a deep breath of Severus' soothing scent and closed my eyes.
A gentle hand wandered into my hair and blocked the light from shining through my eyelids. My mind slowed, my whirling emotions coming to a stop when I found myself in the embrace of the man I loved. The scent of potions and old books slowly brought me back to my senses.
When I raised my head, obsidian eyes watched me intensely. Our faces were so close that our noses almost touched. I felt the warm caresses of his breathing on my skin. His gaze flickered over my face, reading me like a book.
"Something has changed," he muttered softly and tilted his head. Concern settled on his features as he wordlessly stared at me. A thick lump formed in my throat and I nodded.
"I watched one of my mother's memories," a sad smile came to my lips. "She didn't know about my curse… Instead she taught me how to use my magic and how to fight him… so that we can defeat him… together."
Severus swallowed audibly and I saw a flash of pain in his eyes. My heart felt uncomfortably heavy in my chest. When he finally spoke again, his voice sounded raspy. "We will fight him… together."
Shaking my head, I lowered my gaze. "No, we won't… We will never face him together." I clenched my jaw and scowled at his chest. "Not unless you stop your work as a spy or until I join you."
Almost instantly his entire body tensed. A deep growl rumbled in his chest. "No," he pushed my shoulders back to glare in my eyes. "No, Arya. I would rather leave this country and run from the war than watching you join him and being tortured."
I tightened my hold on him and he flinched again, but Severus kept his hands on my shoulders. His features were contorted in frustration as flashing eyes burned down at me. Annoyed, I raised my voice. "And what about you? Do you think I haven't noticed that something is wrong? You usually come to the Great Hall to eat and not because you enjoy staring at the students in front of you without touching your food. And since when do you flinch when I hold you?"
Severus snarled and confirmed my suspicions. He pulled his hands from my shoulders and stepped back as if he had been burned. "What I do is not your concern."
His words felt like a knife to my heart, but I knew better than to show him. He was acting on instincts like an injured animal – he would strike if I gave him the chance. I raised my chin and cast him a hard look. "Show me!"
Black eyes glared at me. His features contorted to a dangerous expression. "This is none of your business, Arya."
I kept my features cool although I was seething inwardly. "Oh yes, Severus, this is precisely my business. Now show me your injury."
"Don't be ridiculous," Severus hissed.
"You know perfectly well that you would never let me leave your office if I was injured and I intend to do the same. I care for you and what I care the least about right now is your pride, Slytherin. So, please, let me tend to your wound, Severus."
"I might not be a healer, but I can take care of myself. And this has nothing to do with my pride, Gryffindor," Severus snarled warningly.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Then what is this about?"
"I can deal with it perfectly fine," Severus growled.
I glanced at his ribs. "Then why haven't you healed yourself yet?"
"As I said, this is none of your business, Arya. If you cannot accept that, see yourself out of my office," spat Severus in my face before whirling around towards his private quarters.
"Severus," I snapped warningly and gripped his arm.
He whirled around in the blink of an eye, a furious expression on his features. "Do you ever listen to what someone tells you or has Potter gotten so far into your head with his-"
"Yes, I do and no, he hasn't," I interrupted him icily and pulled my hand back. "Show me your wound, Severus… Please, let me help you."
I saw it in his eyes before he spoke, the infuriating stubbornness. His lips curled to a cold sneer. "You truly believe I would undress myself in front of you? Here?"
I ignored the painful clenching in my chest. "Yes, you will. You will show me your injury and I will treat it."
"No, Jackson," Severus replied coldly and stared down at me.
I closed my eyes briefly to control my growing anger. He was too stubborn for his own good. Then again, so was I. I cast him a hard look and raised my chin. "Let me help you."
"I don't need your help."
"You are hurt, Severus," I motioned to his ribs.
"Since this is my body, I believe I know best what I can or cannot endure," Severus replied coldly and folded his arms across his chest.
"I don't want you to endure pain, Severus. You don't have to be in pain."
"I have endured worse," Severus sneered. "This is merely a scratch."
An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach and I narrowed my eyes at him. "You have endured worse?"
"Are you deaf? Yes, this is nothing more than a scratch," Severus rolled his eyes in frustration. "Can we drop this nonsense now or do you intend to waste my time further?"
I stepped closer and cast him a warning look. "What do you mean you have endured worse, Severus? I kept an eye on you since the start of this year and you have never shown any unusual behaviour. Why now if this is merely a scratch?"
"For Merlin's sake, elb," Severus snarled. "This was done by Dark Magic and simply needs more time to heal."
"Then why won't you let me heal it," I asked frustrated and motioned at his torso. "If this is just a scratch then why are you refusing to show me, Severus? I'm trying to help you."
"I don't need your help," Severus snapped loudly, and I flinched inwardly. "This is just a small scratch induced by Dark Magic. There is nothing for you to worry about. I'm fine!"
"Then show me," I growled through gritted teeth.
Severus shook his head and sighed loudly. "No, Arya. This is nothing you can heal, and I won't have you worry more than you already are just by taking a look at it."
"You don't even know that," I snapped coldly and glared at him.
"Of course, I do. It would only look suspicious if you healed it," Severus replied annoyed and turned in direction of his private quarters. "Now leave before curfew starts."
"Wait," I whispered warningly, but he did not stop. "Why would it look suspicious if nobody here knows what you are doing?"
Severus froze, his back visibly tensing. He did not move, and I knew instantly that I had caught him. There was something he was keeping from me, something important enough for him to push me away instead of telling me.
"Arya," Severus' voice was soft and quiet – and sounded tired. "I can take care of myself."
"What aren't you telling me, Severus," I muttered at his back. My mind was working rapidly. It had to be something I would not like to hear. He was obviously trying to protect me and keep me from worrying about him.
"Arya," Severus repeated sharper and turned around. His expression was unreadable, his voice devoid of any emotion. "I can take care of myself."
"Nobody here knows that you are a spy and Dumbledore would ask you to heal yourself," I muttered and stepped closer to him, ignoring his warning glare. "The only people who know about your injury are–"
I closed my mouth as my thoughts came to an abrupt halt. Shock froze me on the spot as realisation dawned me. Then I felt burning hatred at my father and anger at Severus' infuriating stubbornness.
"How many, Severus?"
He furrowed his eyebrows. "It was just one curse."
"No," I snapped icily and glared at him with unguarded anger. "How many meetings did you attend since the beginning of this school year? Since when do you have this injury?"
Severus remained impassive and kept staring at me. Pain replaced my anger when I stepped closer and gripped his upper arms. "How many, Severus? What did he do to you? What did they do?"
"Arya," Severus sighed and raised a hand to cup my cheek. First cracks appeared in the mask of cold indifference. Black eyes shone with a turmoil of emotions when he tenderly pushed strains of hair from my face.
"Please, Severus," I closed my eyes and shook my head. My chest constricted almost painfully. "Tell me."
A long, warm sigh rolled down my face and I felt suddenly afraid to look into his eyes. I knew they would show his pain and I did not know how I could possibly accept that my father was hurting him.
"Six… the last meeting was on Tuesday," Severus said softly.
A cold shiver ran down my spine when I raised my head. My heart suddenly weighted as much as a bludger in my chest. My voice was nothing more than a whisper. "But… we are only November now… And Tuesday… one week… Severus, I…"
Severus remained quiet and gently pulled me against his chest. I swallowed as the familiar scent of potions made my lungs constrict tightly. Severus had left the castle almost every two weeks since the beginning of this school year. The question of why he had not told me burned in my heart although I knew the answer.
"You will still be injured when you attend the next meeting, won't you," I muttered against his frock coat. Severus swallowed audibly and rested his cheek against my forehead.
"Most likely, yes."
Hesitantly, I raised my head. My eyes followed the line of his features, the way his hair framed his face until I stared into the darkest eyes I had ever seen. I cupped his cheek with my hand and my heart fluttered with the simple touch. It was a small touch, but for us it meant everything. Tenderly, I caressed his warm skin with my thumb.
"She carved a tiger," I said and smiled sadly, "while she was speaking. She said that you were special… intelligent, gifted and powerful… and I couldn't agree more."
Severus huffed half-heartedly. "That is because you are delusional."
"She also said that you were stubborn," I cast him a warm smile.
"Which served me quite well in the past," Severus smirked and raised one eyebrow. "I have given up on giving up a long time ago. I found it to be nothing but an insufferable affliction, keeping me from getting what I want."
A tingling sensation rushed through my body when I saw the affection in his eyes. His words, however, left me frowning half-heartedly. "Please tell me you have designed a stronger method to keep my attention than using ridiculous phrases."
Severus scowled. "Don't insult me."
"You insulted me first," I mumbled, but refused to look away.
Severus rolled his eyes and sighed. "This is ridiculous."
"Indeed," I laughed quietly and lowered my face.
Suddenly, Severus' low laugh vibrated against my hands and when I looked up, I could not keep the smile off my face. It had been a long time since I had heard him laughing. With a lazy smirk, Severus lowered his face and rested his forehead against mine.
"I wish it could always be like this," I whispered shakily. The words hurt in the deepest part of my heart. I had never voiced this wish before. Severus' warm hand cupped my cheek and left my skin tingling. His eyes burned intensely into my soul.
"I love you, Arya," said Severus huskily. The powerful emotions in his dark eyes flared a storm of affection and love in my heart. It pounded loudly against my chest and I was sure he heard it as well. My entire body felt as if it were on fire, yet I felt a blissful peace in my soul.
"Gen melin, Severus Snape."
The words left my mouth on their own. They held the most powerful truth I had ever voiced in my life for I loved this man with all my heart, my soul and body. For the first time in forever I felt not only Severus' body relaxing but also his mind and soul. The truth of my words spoken in Nyanja, the Ancient Language, had reached his heart.
Severus closed his eyes and I watched him as he savoured the moment, never loosening his hold on me. In that moment there were no expectations upon him, no deadlines and no schedules to meet. I smiled and let the happiness soak right into my bones. I felt it pass through me like a warm ocean wave, washing away the stress of my faith.
Then I felt his lips on mine. His mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips softer than I remembered and I opened my mouth with a low moan. Severus kissed me and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. His hand rested below my ear, his thumb caressing my cheek as our breaths mingled. I ran my hand down his back, pulling him closer until there was no space left between us and I could feel the beating of his heart against my chest. He began nuzzling my neck with delicate kisses – so faint, they were mere whispers. My body began to tremble uncontrollably and my heart fluttered in my chest.
When we broke apart for air, I rested my forehead against his and gathered some much-needed oxygen. His expression told me everything and I smiled back, sinking into his arms.
"Promise to be careful," I asked quietly. When I raised my head the smile washed away, the short moment of happiness almost forgotten.
"Always," said Severus softly. His face remained impassive, hiding his feelings, but black eyes were treacherous. His hand on my back tightened its hold as the overwhelming intensity of his gaze kept me frozen.
I swallowed nervously. "Please, tell me when you leave the castle."
His body tensed against mine and he shook his head with a resolute – almost guarded expression. "Certainly not!"
"But I want – I need to know," I pleaded.
Severus clenched his jaw. "No, you don't," his tone was sharp. A dark frown had settled on his features. "You're in enough danger as it is. There is no use in losing sleep over me and worrying yourself for no reason."
I pushed lightly against his chest and huffed incredulously. "For no reason? Your life is in danger whenever you see him – them, and you expect me to stand by and do nothing?"
"Yes, that is exactly what I expect you to do," Severus snapped harshly and pulled away from me. My hands dropped to my sides, my lungs constricting tightly. He gritted his teeth and glared at me. "Everything I'm doing – My work is complicated and difficult enough as it is. My life is at stake, yes, but so is yours, so don't you dare waving this in my face."
Severus curled his lips and turned away. A low hiss escaped his teeth when he opened and closed his hands. My heart sank further when he rested his hands on the desk and lowered his head. His next words were nothing more than a frustrated growl, laced with heart-clenching pain.
"I don't care about injuries or the lives I might save. The only thing I care about is the one life I can't save… Is it so hard to understand that I want to keep you safe?"
I bit my bottom lip and approached him with quiet steps. My heart was aching in my chest and I could feel how the overwhelming helplessness of my curse came to the surface. I stepped around him until I could see his face, but Severus kept his hard gaze on the rolls of parchment. Soft pain had settled on his features and betrayed the vulnerability he desperately tried to hide from those around him. Gently, I placed my hand on his and gave it a light squeeze.
"No, it isn't," I spoke softly and watched his face, "but I care about what happens to you, Severus. I cannot keep you from leaving the castle, I understand that. But I must – I need to know that you return… to me."
Suddenly Severus pulled his hand away and whirled around. He took my arms in a tight grip, his fingers pressing into my skin. I flinched when a biting snarl left his lips. "And what about me, Arya? Do you even realise what you are doing to me? The Headmaster informed me whenever you ran off with Potter and every single time I was worried sick about you. I know what I'm doing, I have done it before. I know I will return, but you? You follow these dunderheads although your instincts tell you not to. You ignore the fact that you could call for help and prefer risking your life instead. Has any of that ever crossed your mind?"
Angrily, I clenched my jaw and narrowed my eyes at him. I felt my patience diminishing under his unwavering glare. "Of course I have thought about this. I don't like running into danger and I certainly don't enjoy being ignored by those who call themselves my friends. They don't leave me enough time to call for help before running Merlin-knows-where even if I warn them not to. I hate their ignorance and arrogance as much as you do, but what do you expect from me? I cannot turn my back on people who need help. I won't!"
Severus' expression contorted with anger, his fingers boring painfully deep into my skin. "There will always be stupid people who need help and Potter – oh, Potter will always be one of these people. Damn it, Arya, I know you're smarter than this! Why can't you stay away from him – all of them?"
I felt my blood boiling in my veins and ripped my arms out of his grip. Severus hissed lowly and stepped back. Although the anger was still obvious in his eyes, I noticed the frustration about his loss of control. I averted my gaze and swallowed several times. I felt angry, so angry that my heart felt as if it were on fire.
"Where is this suddenly coming from," I asked quietly and watched him calculating. "Obviously something happened and I want to know what it was. Preferably before you leave the castle again."
Severus folded his arms across his chest and stared at me with an unreadable expression. "Potter."
"What about him," I suppressed rolling my eyes at Severus' stubbornness.
"Do you know that he formed a secret group for students?"
I rolled my eyes and shook my head incredulously. "Wow, you lash out at me because you cannot bring yourself to ask me this one question? … No, I'm not part of this group… not anymore. I'm sure that would have been your next question."
I sighed and folded my hands behind my back. "Do you have any more unspoken accusations to share or will you write me a list? Because I will not leave this office until you tell me why we are even arguing in the first place. I don't care if curfew has started or if Umbridge gives me detention. I know you could be summoned anytime so I refuse to leave until we talked about this. I won't let you put yourself in even more danger by being unfocused and–"
The next thing I knew, Severus had slammed his lips to mine and nearly knocked all wind from my lungs. The kiss obliterated every thought and evoked a wild swirl of emotions. It was over before I could relax against him. When he pulled back, I stared at him with wide eyes. Our faces were so close that our breaths mingled. His scent of potions entered my nose and clouded my mind even further.
"I hate this," I whispered shakily and stared into his sparkling eyes. I felt vulnerable and frightened all of a sudden. The pain and desperation in Severus' eyes kept me frozen on the spot. I only noticed that my hands were clutching his cloak when they tightened their hold.
"I hate that my father is the reason for all this. I hate that we have arguments because of him –because we are trying to protect each other from him. I hate that we must hide and lie to everyone. I hate it, Severus. I'm so sick of the lies, the hiding and all the pain. I hate this so much!"
"I know," said Severus lowly and placed his cool hands below my ears. My body was shaking with the overwhelming wave of emotions that rolled through my heart. I gasped when I saw the same emotions in the black eyes in front of me.
"I know," the pained whisper shattered my heart. The strong and ever-controlled man was succumbing to his pain in front of my eyes. Although I stood mere inches from Severus, even though his warm breath caressed my face, I felt how the pain stole the last warmth and left me freezing.
My eyes itched suddenly as I could do nothing but watch the scene in front of me. Fear clenched my lungs until breathing became almost impossible. Severus' trembling hands fell to his sides. Shallow breaths escaped his parted lips and black eyes turned dull. Then he fell and I snapped out of my frozen state.
"Severus," I called fearfully and gripped his shoulders.
He was kneeling in front of me, his face sickly pale. His eyes seemed distant and when I lowered myself to my knees, he did not look at me. I cupped his face with my hands.
"Severus, please look at me."
His body was trembling when I pressed myself closer. I caressed his cheek, ran my hand through his hair and wrapped my arms around his neck, but he did not react. I was holding the shell of a broken man in my arms. And it was only in this moment that I realised how much pain he must have had endured in his life. Seeing him now was the most terrible and frightening thing I had ever witnessed in my life.
"Forgive me," whispered Severus against my ear.
I inhaled sharply and pulled back to look at him. My hands took a fistful of his hair to keep him close. Obsidian eyes were shining with tears when he finally looked at me. Hesitantly he wrapped his arms around my body, watching me carefully as if he expected me to pull away. When I pressed myself closer against his chest something snapped in the depths of his eyes. Single tears rolled down his cheeks when he pulled me even closer. He clutched me to his body for dear life.
"Forgive me," he repeated even lower than before and I shook my head. More tears spilled from my eyes and I bit my bottom lip. Seeking comfort in his warmth, I pressed my cheek against his.
"This isn't your fault. None of it," my voice was shaking.
Severus took quickened breaths and buried his face in my hair. "I wish I could give you more than this. You deserve so much better."
I wanted to lift my head, look at him and tell him how wrong he was. I wanted to look into his eyes. I wanted that he saw the overwhelming emotions I held for him in my heart and my soul. But Severus buried his hand in my hair and desperately pulled me closer. I gasped when his barely audible words reached my ear.
"I want more than this."
The words were simple, but they meant everything for Severus. They expressed his deepest vulnerability. They gave voice to his desire for a better life than he had had. All the suffering, the rejections, solitude had left him to accept his life as it was. All the bad experiences had left him to believe that pain was inevitable – that there was nothing he could do about it – therefore he had endured it quietly.
Until today.
"Meleth nîn, my love," I whispered into his hair. The pain in my heart was almost unbearable and I swallowed the forming lump in my throat. "You will have more than this. One day you will be free to leave and do whatever you desire. You can–"
"Don't," Severus pulled back and frowned half-heartedly. "I don't want to hear this."
"Severus, I beg you," I spoke quietly as first tears rolled down my cheeks. I placed my shaking hands on his shoulders. "You can have a life. You can be free – free of my father, free of the Headmaster when the war is over. You can live your life in peace."
Severus stared at me for a long moment. Then, with the gentlest of touch, he wiped away my tears and pushed a single strain of hair behind my shoulders. His fingers ghosted over my cheek and left my skin tingling. When his gaze met mine again, I saw nothing but pained resolution.
"I will make every promise you wish the day you give me your word to survive."
I opened my mouth, but no sound left my lips. I pressed my forehead against his and closed my eyes to keep more tears from escaping. "This isn't fair."
Severus' hand curled in my hair. "Then don't ask me to make promises I can't keep." I was at a loss for words. There was nothing I could say that had not been said before. Severus had set his mind and nothing would change it.
"Arya," Severus muttered quietly and raised his head. Black eyes wandered over my face and I felt my stomach flutter when our gazes met. The swirls of emotion I saw there made my heart race. The powerful desire in the depth of his eyes was slowly overshadowed by sadness.
However, before I could ponder about it further, Severus sighed and the familiar mask of cold indifference controlled his features once more. "You must return to your dorm now."
His words felt like a knife to my heart and I briefly closed my eyes. An annoyed sigh left my nose as I watched him move fluently to his feet. A pale hand appeared in front of my eyes and I swallowed the rising frustration. Our situation was not Severus' fault. I gripped his forearm and he pulled me to my feet. I noticed the flicker of hesitation in his eyes before he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. My eyes closed instinctively. I had no wish for Severus' tender kiss to end. But, of course, it had to.
"Good night," his quiet voice broke the fragile moment and I opened my eyes. The spot where his lips had lingered mere seconds ago tingled with the loss of his touch. My breath hitched in my throat when I saw a heart-warming, shy smile ghosting over his lips.
"Good night," I whispered. My stomach was tingling and I cast him a warm smile.
Severus did not move, his black eyes watching me with an intensity that made it almost impossible to turn around. Although he remained quiet, I felt his eyes on my back until I closed the door behind me. Even then, when I walked through the deserted corridors with a smile plastered on my face, I could still feel the warm tingle on my skin.