The first few days after her discharge from hospital, Kate seemed to be in a haze of shock; she marched on with funeral arrangements as though she had the strength of Hercules despite the cast on her wrist. She secretly wished that she had lost the baby months ago when she experienced the bleed. She was angry she had the extra months to bond with the baby stirring inside her; she was angry that for the first time during a pregnancy she experienced the excitement of painting and furnishing a nursery and all the expectations that brought. But she was most angry that just as her dream of having a proper family with Caroline was finally being realised, it was ripped away without any warning.
Kate was intent on not talking about the loss like John did after Judith's miscarriage. With a stiff upper lip, she carried on until she could no longer run from her emotions that eventually started to bubble to the surface. She tried her best to mask her grief because she didn't want anyone to feel sorry for her, but this led her to being depressed, withdrawn and lonely, despite Caroline's constant presence.
Kate felt brittle, as though she could break in two at any moment. She wanted to escape; she was missing the comfort and privacy of the little house she sold months ago. Her home. Part of her just wanted to be on her own there, to openly grieve without an audience.
Everything Caroline did lately, no matter how well intentioned, pissed her off and she was trying not to let it show. Most of all, she was angry that Caroline was right when she tried to dissuade her from trying for a baby. At her lowest ebb, she was especially angry with Caroline for having two children when she could not have one and despite this loss, she still wanted a child of her own.
When the need to escape overwhelmed her, she wanted nothing more than to drive for cup of tea at the little shop near her old house but she wasn't able to drive because of the cast. Trapped. In addition to anger, she felt trapped and dependent on Caroline and that scared her because of her wife's prior reticence to live openly. At the heart of it all, Kate was fearful that Caroline's new-found courage would be fleeting without the baby to help bind them together.
After a couple of weeks, Caroline's leave ran out and she had to return to Sulgrave. Kate was relieved to be alone in the house for the first time since she came home from the hospital. As she made her way toward the shower that first morning, she realised how bone tired she was despite having slept more the past few weeks than she could ever remember. She knew it was from her growing depression and willed herself to snap out of it but she just couldn't seem to find a way to the surface. While her inability to carry a baby to term left her emotionally scarred in the past, this time it was worse because she now had a permanent physical scar, a death certificate, and the memory of seeing the little casket to remind her of her fifth failure.
Trying to momentarily shake her grief, she stepped into the shower shortly after Caroline left for work. Despite the difficulty of keeping her cast dry and the care she had to take with her aging scar from the c-section, showers gave her comfort and helped her wash away her emotions. Goosebumps rose up on her skin despite the warm water flowing over her. She hadn't been able to get warm since she returned to Conway Drive. She knew it was because the baby weight was rapidly falling off her frame, despite Caroline doting on her incessantly with unwanted comfort food at every turn.
Back in heels for the first time since the funeral, Caroline steered the Jeep into her parking space and smiled up at the school as she closed her car door. Her school. The one place where her days made sense and she knew she made a positive difference to those in her charge. She bounded up the steps with a confidence she hadn't felt for a long time.
While Caroline was secretly relieved to have an escape, her anticipation of returning to something more normal was short-lived that first day back when she noted the heaviness in the greeting from some of the staff. Originally, she wished Kate could return to work with her but was relieved Kate wasn't exposed to the staff walking on eggshells.
Eventually, a few brave souls asked how Kate was faring. By the end of the first week, Caroline found she was resenting that no one other than Beverley asked how she was coping with the loss. She knew it was her own fault no one knew she felt as strong a connection to the baby as she had with her own pregnancies. As much as she wanted to scream at the moon about her loss, she just kept those feelings to herself to not take attention away from Kate.
Caroline was frustrated that she didn't know how to properly reach Kate through what appeared to be a growing distance, a distance that felt wider to her since returning to work. At home, when Caroline wasn't busy fussing over Kate, she watched. She watched Kate for signs to tell her what she might need and it seemed no matter what she did she was inept at reaching Kate who was hyper aware of being under the microscope. This in turn made Kate feel claustrophobic. The more Caroline smothered her, the more stoic and distant Kate became; she seemed to shrivel up into herself a little more each day.
By the time Caroline returned to Sulgrave, Kate was regularly shying away from most physical contact with her wife. With Caroline's first work week ending, Kate felt less suffocated and for the first time in weeks she allowed Caroline to be the big spoon as they fell asleep that Friday night. The daily dose of alone time gave her an appreciation for Caroline's care of her and helped her understand she needed to be careful not to push Caroline too far away; Caroline was grateful for any crumb of contact Kate allowed as she needed comfort but was afraid to let her needs be known.
Life on Conway Drive wasn't just quiet. It was subdued. Lawrence was conspicuously absent on non-school nights, leaving the ladies to their own devices. Without being told, he knew to not rock any boats and was on his best behaviour for a change. Equally scarce were Celia and Alan, much to Caroline's relief as she noted Kate seemed to hide in the master bedroom even more when Celia was about.
On her way home from dropping Lawrence off at Angus' just after lunch on Saturday, she suddenly heard the loud siren of a rapidly approaching ambulance behind her; she instantly pulled over to make room for it to pass. Its flashing lights caught her eyes and she watched until it rounded the corner and was out of sight. Unexpectedly, she found herself trembling and overcome with emotion at the realization that not long ago Kate had such a ride. Grateful Kate survived the accident, Caroline said a little prayer for its passenger and his loved ones to be just as lucky. When her heart stopped pounding, she put on her signal to merge back into traffic, anxious to get home to Kate who headed upstairs for a nap as she was leaving with Lawrence.
She pulled into the drive, surprised to find the Buttershaws unloading groceries from the boot of their car. "I wasn't expecting you back today," Caroline said in greeting as she closed the Jeep door and tried to muster enough energy to give them a warm welcome while hiding her disappointment that they returned from Halifax a day ahead of schedule.
"You look dreadful," Celia said in greeting as she moved to embrace her daughter. She could tell Caroline was stressed and was concerned she had dropped some weight. "How have things been here?"
"About how you'd expect," came the curt reply. She knew Celia would want a proper chat but Caroline didn't have the interest or the energy; she was preoccupied with joining Kate for a nap. Even if Kate wouldn't talk or touch her, at least she could be physically close to her in bed.
"Are you alright?" Celia continued, not reading the cues that Caroline was heading toward her door to escape inside. "I think I'm more worried about you now than ever."
"I'm fine. I'm just focused on Kate," Caroline said, wishing Alan would return to the boot for another load of groceries and save her; she felt an unwanted conversation coming on and was instantly kicking herself for taking the bait.
"I overheard some women at the grocer's just now. Seems I was right, people are unhappy about your relationship," Celia said with an obvious degree of self-satisfaction. "It sounded like there is a move afoot to push you out."
"I got wind of it a couple of days ago but the law protects us so nothing will come from it if I chose to fight it," Caroline responded as her cheeks grew redder than usual and her voice deepened from her anger at having to discuss it with Celia. "Don't worry about it and whatever you do, don't tell Kate; she doesn't need any more stress."
"I'm only worried as any mother would be. You've worked too hard to throw it all away," Celia volleyed back but thought quickly enough to swallow the rest of her words. But it didn't matter, because Caroline knew what Celia wanted to say.
"Let's not do this because you'll only come out on the short end if you continue," Caroline cautioned loudly enough to stop her mother from speaking further. "You don't get it. I'd trade all I have for Kate. I can't be without her again because," she said with her words trailing off, her hands balling into fists due to the anger overtaking her as she thought about how she didn't have the energy to tread the same ground with Celia again. She'd hoped that after they wed, Celia would see the futility of such tactics, but nothing had really changed and she understood that the only thing that could really change was her reaction to her mum.
Celia unashamedly continued, "At least you're well out of having to raise her baby."
"I'm devastated. That was our baby and I loved her as much as I love Kate and I want another baby with her. What I don't want is to ever discuss this subject with you again." Caroline turned on her heel and headed up the stairs to the front door without waiting to see how her words affected her mother.
Undaunted, Celia called out to her daughter, "I thought you only married her because of the baby. You'll lose everything if you keep this up. This isn't you."
From the top step, Caroline spun around and faced off with her, forcefully spitting her response down at her. "I was trying to tell you we were marrying in a way that I thought you would accept. I knew if I'd told you I love her more deeply than I ever thought it possible to love someone you would have laughed it off and insulted me like you're doing now. I gave up any hope you'd ever really get it when you refused to come to our wedding," she fumed.
Slowly walking back down the steps to look Celia squarely in her eyes, she continued, "Listen very carefully, because I'm going to say this for the last time. If you can't be supportive you and Alan should go buy a little bungalow and we'll buy you out even if we have to sell up to do so."
Celia stood motionless as Caroline angrily ascended the steps and slammed the front door without looking back at her.
Caroline kicked her shoes off in the foyer and tried to calm her emotions as she quietly headed to their bedroom. Kate was facing the open window and had her back to door; Caroline assumed she was asleep. Feeling the need to wash off her argument with Celia, Caroline took a quick shower. Wearing just an oversized t-shirt that had been on a hook in the bathroom, she gracefully slid under the covers in an attempt to not wake her wife; she faced the door to help resist the urge to touch Kate. Seconds later, Kate rolled over and spooned into her, kissing the back of her neck.
Thrilled by the contact, Caroline rolled over to face Kate and instantly realised she'd been crying. Not wanting to ask why, Caroline wordlessly wiped away the salty trail of her tears; the sight of Kate pushed all remaining anger at Celia out of her consciousness as she focused on comforting her. Instead of speaking, Kate moved closer to her wife and pulled her into a fierce embrace that culminated in a heart-stopping kiss that confused the love-starved woman.
"God I've missed you," Caroline confessed as the kiss ended, grateful for the contact.
"I've missed you too," Kate said. "I'm sorry I've been so lost." Caroline merely responded with another kiss, this one more passionate than the last. Suddenly there was no further need to talk as their passions resurfaced.
Connecting physically for the first time since Kate's surgery, Caroline was cognizant of Kate's remaining injuries and was gentle and reverent in her touch; taking her cues from Kate, afraid of a misstep.
Hearing Caroline defend their relationship reminded Kate how deeply she loved her wife. Overcome with desire, Kate felt as anxious as she did the first time they made love and quickly left Caroline without any doubt of her desires. She didn't feel very agile thanks to her cast but she made up for it with creativity. They looked deeply into each other's eyes as they climaxed together over and over before sleep finally claimed them. Eventually waking to find they were still in each other's arms, they both felt more alive and sure of their commitment than they had in weeks.
Glad to be properly holding Kate once again, Caroline wondered to herself if it was the absence of lovemaking since their wedding night that made their connection that afternoon so poignant. She was desperate to continue the intimate contact after weeks of nothing more than platonic exchanges but to her disappointment, Kate sat up and looked down at her with the most inscrutable expression.
"You okay," Caroline asked, concerned that maybe it was all too soon for Kate and she had misread the cues.
"More than okay, my love," Kate began as tears started to form again in her eyes. "I heard you with Celia before."
"I'm sorry you heard her." She shifted nervously as she recalled the awful exchange with her mum the night Kate met Celia.
"Did you really mean it?" Kate bit her lip, worried Caroline might resent the question.
"Every word of it," Caroline said, relieved to see a smile on Kate's face; it transmitted that she finally got something right and explained the reason behind the sudden difference in Kate that afternoon. Kate lay back down beside her and shifted so part of her bare chest rested on top of Caroline's. Contentment overtook them as they cuddled together and finally talked in earnest. Until now, neither had broached the subject of another baby; it was too soon in the healing process and the loss was still too raw. Unwittingly, Celia helped them not just find their way back into each other's arms but also find their words again.