Chapter 3: 1st Day on the Job

Hola amigos, I'm very surprised you guys like this so much. To be honest I never thought an outlandish idea like this would do this food. No time has passed, so let's see how he does on his first day of becoming a bloodthirsty mercenary who loves hats a bit too much. Also, I lied, I will be calling him Misha when he's not in battle or in merc mode.

Now the every merc was having a WTF moment combined with a 'What was in the chimichanga I ate last night' moment. They thought they were seeing in a mirror as they saw perfect clones of themselves. Everything to their muscles, facial hair, and even a guy as handsome as Spy. No homo, just stating adjectives.

Heavy was dumbfounded with a face like this, 0_0. He was staring directly at a perfect copy of himself with the only difference being BLU clothing. Misha had came in with a red jacket and some brown pants. This guy had the exact same jacket and pants with only the difference being blue.

It was such a weird experience for everyone. But then Soldier realized these were probably the work of Nazi communist fucks.

Soldier then dropped the BLU Sniper who was taking aim and said, "I WILL NOT STAND FOR YOU COMMIE NAZIS TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF AMERICA, PREPARE FOR A AMERICAN ASS KICKING". Soldier then put his flint lock rifle on his back and pulled out his shovel and charged into the clones of his new teammates.

"I was told we would be fighting men", Heavy said as he pumped his shotgun and charged in with a battle cry. His size made the other mercs look like tiny baby men.

Heavy blasted his shotgun the turret the Engineer was trying to set up. The sentry exploded and the Engineer too out his Colt SAA and pulled the hammer and shot at the Russian. Heavy took it like a champ and slapped the revolver out of his hands. Heavy had to do this, how crazy it might be, his family's future was on the line.

Heavy pumped the shotgun but then felt the impact of a wooden baseball bat hit his head. He then saw the BLU version of the annoying bastard known as Scout. Heavy then changed targets and shot at the Bostonian. He then booked it and ran across the field. Heavy turned but saw the Engineer had left. Heavy groaned and reloaded his shotgun.

Sniper held his bow, crossbow style and he shot arrows at the Demoman. He then nailed the Scot in the head and he dropped dead. The arrow went through his good eye and the arrow had the eyeball out of the skull. "Thanks for the for my first kill you drunk wanker", he said as he pulled back another arrow.

Heavy saw the Medic and was filled with disgust. He took out his shotgun and was gonna blow the Germans head off when he got picked up and threw him across the field. Heavy hit his head as he saw his greatest threat.

Heavy then got up and saw his clone. Now OUR Heavy got up and said, "And I thought they only sent babies to fight me". He then cracked his knuckles and shot a glare.

Our Heavy threw a punch but the other Heavy caught it and punched him in the face. Our Heavy finally knew how it was to be hit by someone of his strength, it didn't feel good but Heavy got up and tackled his clone. He looked at his clone in the eyes, he saw the same rage, frustration, but it wasn't about him wanting to kill, it was the anger of Bri being able to see his daughters again. He snapped out of his trance and then beat the shit out of the clone but the clone grabbed his neck and kicked him off.

The clone then got up and pinned him against the wall of rock. He had bruises and his nose was broken. But our Heavy head butted his clone. Heavy felt gun fire as he saw the BLU Soldier fire his rifle. He then charged in but Heavy then was restricted by his clone and Medic.

Soldier then shot Heavy in the chest and began to slash and bash Heavy. "You commie scum will not kill this Patriot", the Soldier clone said. Heavy remembered how the original Soldier would say shit like that, I guess these really are perfect clones. Heavy then saw the Soldier reload the rifle and point it at his head. Heavy look through his black eye and had rage in them. He tried to move but his clone and the clone Medic held him back. The Medic was stronger than usual and was very muscular with veins showing. He also had a syringe in his neck that said, 'Stärke Serum (Strength Serum)'.

Heavy then struggled and grunted, trying to get out of the grasp. He then thought back to his daughters, who would be devastated to hear that their papa bear is dead. He imagined the look on their faces and the tears shedded, and worse, they'd have to go back to Taiyang. Heavy let out a war cry and got out of the Russian and Germans grasp. Heavy knocked the Medic on his ass and he went unconscious after.

Soldier was about to shoot when he moved back as he saw an arrow fly through the air. "Bugga", said Sniper as he jumped from the rock and put another arrow ready to fire. He then shot it at the Soldier's hand and it pinned him against a shed near the BLU spawn. He screamed in pain and dropped his rifle. Sniper was about to finish the job when he saw the enemy Scout make a break for the point, he shot an arrow but the Scout out ran it.

"Nice shooting, douchebag", the enemy Scout said as he slapped his butt. Sniper then took aim and tried to shoot the Boston Bastard. He dodged every arrow. He then gave up and took aim at the Soldier but saw he was missing, all that was left was a pool of blood with a severed, right hand, and a bloody shovel. He then heard Soldier's war cry and was tackled down. He tried to pull out his machete but Soldier broke his arm. He screamed in pain as Soldier tried to crush his head.

"You camping Son of a Bitch, only America has the best Snipers", said the clone Soldier

Sniper rolled his eyes, "How about you kill me, then you can finish your monologue", he said sarcastically. Soldier took it literally though. He would've `killed him if it wasn't for RED Soldier tackling him off. "You will not kill one of my men you Nazi Commie Scum", OG Soldier said to his clone counterpart as he was on top and grabbing his neck.

Clone Soldier then rolled him off so now he was on top, "I WILL WIN THIS FOR AMERICA", the clone said but then got kicked off by the OG Soldier. The two then headbutted eachother, knocking them both out. Sniper then took his chance and grabbed his machete. He then took one, powerful swing and chopped off the Clone Soldier's head.

"Pikers", Sniper said as he grabbed OG Soldier and brought him into the warehouse.

Clone Heavy threw a punch but our Heavy caught it and bent his clone's arm. Heavy then pinned his clone against the wall of rock and bent the arm till it broke. It was hard to break his own arm but it payed off. Our Heavy then beat the shit out of the clone. He just punched and yelled as he did. When he was done it was nothing more than a mush of flesh and bone shards. The clone's headless body then fell to the ground, blood pooled. "You are not as good as you think", said Heavy as he stared at his clone's lifeless corpse.

Heavy was in a mix of anger, confusion, and what the fuck just happened...ness. He then heard the cock of a gun and groaned out of annoyance. It was the enemy Medic who had his luger ready. "HAHAHA, no vhere to go now dumpkopf", said the doctor as he took aim.

"Zhe healing isn't as rewarding as zhe hurt…", the Medic was about to finish when he got cut off. It was Spy, he had jammed his knife into the German's neck. Blood spurted and hit his fancy shirt. He then fell, blood pooled and he gargled, trying to form words but the only thing that came out was gargles and blood.

Spy then grabbed his knife from the German's neck and said, "You got blood on shirt", he tried to wipe off the blood, but it stained. "Merde", he said to himself as he went over to the Heavy.

"T-tank you", he said as he coughed. He tried to walk but fell, Spy caught him before he fell. He was surprisingly strong for such a skinny man but he was able to carry him back, with some assistance from Soldier.

Heavy looked to see the Gentleman and Patriot carrying him back. "Don't you die on me", Soldier said. "I will not have such a kickass man die on my watch", he said as he picked up the pace. Spy had trouble keeping up as Heavy was well, heavy as is. Spy kept pushing though and brought him to spawn.

"We have to fight", Heavy said weakly as he tried to get up.

"You have done enough", Spy said to Heavy. "Please rest, it's not like we have a machine to instantly heal wounds", Spy continued, Medic getting a little chuckle.

"Here mein friend, let me help you", Medic said as he took out some medical supplies. Heavy was hesitant at first but let the doctor work. He took out some tweezers, alcohol, and cotton balls to begin his work. "Now please stand still so I can remove zhe lead", said Medic gently and almost soothing as he put his tweezers into the bullet holes. Heavy stayed still during this, he really has a high pain tolerance.

Medic finally pulled out the projectile from the flint lock rifle and placed it down. "Good comrade, now please be stay calm as I fix zhe rest", Medic said in his same calming voice. He sewed up his wounds from the shovel, wiped the blood from his face, and disinfected his wounds with the alcohol. The funny thing was that Demoman was such an alcoholic that Heavy didn't like him once he saw him, now he's straight up drinking the rubbing alcohol used to disinfect wounds. Medic slapped him and took it back, he then bandaged Heavy's wounds. He would of eaten a Sandvich but he only packed one so he saved it for a real problem.

"Heavy is ready", Heavy said, confidently as he tried to get up.

"NO", Medic said as he tried t sit him down. "You are in no condition to fight, in my medical opinion I recommend a day's rest at least since you are capable of taking a lot of injuries", Medic said in a voice that made you almost forget he's a mad scientist who experiments on black market organs.

Heavy sighed and sat down, he began to out back on his shirt, his muscles even made Scout jealous, and he has an ego for his ego. Heavy sat with hand on his chin, thinking about… sandwiches. Yeah, sandwiches.

Engineer had his Colt SAA cocked and was was on high alert. His turret beeped and was turning, scanning the area. Demoman was on guard, holding his sword tightly and set up a few home-made bombs. Spy had left the area, he was doing the fine art of stealthing.

Scout ran out but then bumped into something. "Watch it ya bastard", said the RED and BLU Scouts in unison. "H-hey there handsome", said the two in unison as they checked each other out.

"I thought there was only one that can have such a magnificent face as me, oh and your muscles are so jacked", the RED Scout said.

"Aww man you're good lookin', don't tell this to the others, but if I wasn't straight, you'd be my first pick", BLU Scout said.

Both then started to regale each other on their made up bull crap. Spy was sneaking around when he saw the enemy Pyro, he was just playing with a lighter. Spy took out his .357 Colt Python to get a clean headshot, but he was then hugged by something. He saw it was the RED Pyro, who put him in a bone crushing bear hug. The other Pyro then saw Spy and his Pyro. It took out a flare gun and was aiming for Spy. But Pyro jumped in front of Spy, the flame retardant suit took the damage. Pyro then took out it's fire axe and charged, same as with BLU Pyro and they began to fight.

Spy then got the hell out of their and tried to find a new opponent. He then saw Scout talking to the other Scout. RED Scout then ran away and BLU Scout wave goodbye. He then sat down and took out a baseball. Spy then got an idea, he made a run for the base and said. "H-hey there, come in, I got a surprise for ya", said Spy, expertly mimicking Scout's voice.

"What ya got for…", the Scout was about to finish before Spy put a piece between his eyes. Finally, one bastard down. Spy then saw Scout comeback and he dropped his base ball.

"You fucking crouton, that was my best friend", he said as he made his way over to his clone's corpse. "You were too beautiful for this world", Scout said he used to fingers to close the clone's eye lids.

Scout just glared at Spy, Engineer was just really confused. He went over to Scout and put his hand on his shoulder. "It's okay, just come sit for a minute, I'll play you some guitar to calm you down", Engineer said in his soothing Texan accent. Scout then laid down and Engineer played some sweet guitar for him.

"Engineer, some assistance please", Spy asked as he saw the enemy Engineer and Spy come closer. "You go through the front, I'll go through the back and surprise them", Spy said as he readied his revolver. Engineer pulled out his revolver and thought of something flashy.

While they were planning to take out the enemies, Scout was getting drunk out of his mind. Demoman was happy he atleast had a drinking buddy. Scout was downing his 3rd bottle then proceeded to throw up, Medic sighed and went to treat him and test their alcohol levels.

Outside of the warehouse was BLU Engie and Spy. "Well, I guess it's up to us since the rest of our team is dead", said Engineer as he took out his wheel gun.

"Do not worry labourer, we can do this, we just have to play our cards right", said Spy confidently, trying to get Engineer to have a little faith. RED Engineer chuckled and took a shot. It ricocheted of a metal barrel and knocked BLU Spy's .357 out of his hand. Engineer then jumped from the corner and fanned the hammer at the two. Spy and Engie hit the dirt and hid behind a rock. BLU Engineer cocked the hammer of his gun and took a shot. He then rolled and fanned 3 more shots. RED Engie dodged them and fanned two more shots. The two then fired a shot at each other, both bullets connected and fell flat on the dusty rock. Both Engineers looked at their guns.

"Been counting your shots, only one left", said RED Engineer. He then shot in the air since he had two two bullets left, leaving both with one .45 round in their revolvers. "Now it's fair", said RED Engineer as he holstered his gun. The BLU Engie did the same. They then began to have a good ol' Mexican stand off. The Texan's glared at eachother, they both knew each other since, they are each other.

Spy then saw his BLU counterpart, he saw him quickly pull out his butterfly knife and did his fancy knife trick while getting into fighting stance. RED Spy put away his .357 Colt Python and pulled out his butterfly knife. "Let's settle this like gentlemen", RED Spy said and the two began to fight.

They slashed at each other, sparks flew from the blades. BLU Spy took a swing but RED Spy dodged it. Spy tried to stab the clone in the back but couldn't jab his knife in as the clone rolled and threw his knife at Spy. RED Spy caught the knife and threw it back at his clone. The illegal knife was jammed into his leg and screamed in pain. BLU Spy ran, he took off his shirt, which left him with his under shirt, and pulled out his knife. He screamed as it hurt like hell to pull out it out of his leg, like getting 100 needles in you knee. He then wrapped up his wound with his shirt and walked into the warehouse, but as soon as he showed his face he was blow up into a huge bloody mess.

"Didn't ya see the bloody bombs", said Demoman as he taunted BLU Spy's head. He took a swig of whiskey but was knocked over by RED Pyro. BLU Pyro was running after firebug and got into the first point. But he quickly got taken down by the turret, it muffled screamed and fell down, blood pooled as muffled gurgles could be heard emitting from it.

The Engie's were still glaring at each other, sweating dripping from the intense heat of the dust land thy have to fight on. "DRAW", yelled the BLU Engineer. RED Engineer fanned the hammer on his gun and hit a metal barrel, it ricocheted and hit his clone straight in the chest. The clone Engineer fired a round in RED Engineer's knee. He fell to the ground and held his knee.

Soldier and Medic went to get the Texan. "Congratulations, you succeeded", said the Administrator on the intercoms. "I expect just as much effort next week's fight", she said right before the intercoms turned off.

The mercs headed back to their spawn and got patched up by Medic. Some mercs became friends or at least didn't hate each other, while others wanted to just beat the ever living shit out of each other. Medic was treating Engineer and Sniper primarily, kept a close eye on Heavy and gave the other mercs a check up.

Miss Pauling opened the garage door to the base and had smile on her face. "You guys did great, the Administrator actually cracked a smile at your fight", she said in a happy voice.

"You're damn right we did, because Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Jesus, and God have blessed us with holy American ass kicking", Soldier said as he saluted the sky.

"What was with mirror men", Heavy asked as he got up and stretched, making Medic worried that the stitching would break.

"Excuse me", she asked.

"What my Russian comrade is trying to say is how and why did you make clones of us", Spy said to the classy woman.

"Oh, we just took samples of your DNA", she said, confusing people like Soldier and Scout.

"Ya don't have to make up words just so I think ya smart and pretty", said Scout trying to flirt.

"We got yours in just in time so we could make our clones ready to fight", said Pauling.

"Man, no wonder that guy was so handsome", Scout said.

"Okay so you guys get a week off", she said.

"Excuse me, when do we get money, I have family to care for", said Heavy.

"You all get 9,000 dollars at the end of the week", Miss Pauling said, every merc dropping their jaws.

"YES"

"9 grand a week, I gotta tell ma"

"Now I can get more tomato soup, with the GOOD crackers"

"I'm gonna bleed those bars dry"

"MMMPPPHHHH"

"Oh, all zhe parts I can test"

"Well, I got funding for my inventions"

"I can buy me a rifle, maybe even a whole reserve for me to hunt"

"Now I can get some more sharp suits and knives"

"Glad to see you guys are excited", said Pauling. "You guys can go home now", Pauling said in a straight tone. The mercs then showed themselves out.

Heavy got in his pickup truck, Soldier got into his military buggy, Spy got into his fancy ferrari, Sniper got into his camper van, Scout got on his bike, Engineer saddled up on his horse, Medic got into his catering truck, and Demoman and Soldier called a cab. They then went to their respective homes.

Heavy was thrilled to get back home to his girls, he was getting nine grand at the end of the week, he'd need to start saving though. He ate his Sandvich and his wounds healed, and the sticking popped off, even his bruises and black eye healed. He was more than happy, he was very anxious to get home and see his girls though, they probably missed him alot.

He cross through the portal and was back in Remnant. He made it to Patch to find a police car parked by the apartment complex. He was not amused, he walked out of the truck, he pumped is shotgun and cocked his revolver. He then walked into his room to find a police officer and Taiyang sitting at the table. He then saw Yang sitting in front of Ruby while the silver eyed girl curled up into a ball.

Misha walked in, he was no longer Heavy Weapons Guy now so don't be confused when I switch names. Misha gripped his 500 Magnum and the officer stood up, "No need for violence sir, I just came to talk to you", the officer said to the Russian.

"Why is he here, he scares my girls", said Misha as he glared at the drunk, he honestly prefered Demoman now.

"He's just here to take custody…", said the officer.

Before the policeman could finish Misha got up and grabbed Taiyang by the throat, he pinned him against the wall and reached for his huge sidearm. He pointed the business end of the Strongest Sidearm at Taiyang's face. "You will not take my girls, they are happy with me", Misha said in a tone which was not his usual Russian tone, he sounded legitimate pissed.

"Sir step away from the man", said the cop as he pulled out his dust pistol. Misha was not himself, he hasn't felt this pissed since his father died and his captors burned the body.

"This poor excuse of man only abuse girls, they feel safe with me, I only wish best for them, I would rather die than have them call you dad", Misha said in anger his thumb was trying not to pull back the hammer.

"Please don't, he's mean, he's the one I call dad", Yang said to the officer. She started hitting his legs and crying. "Y-you can't do this, we don't want to be with him, I rather lose my arm then be with that mean guy", Yang said.

"Please, we want to stay, we've never been so happy with our dad", Ruby said as she hugged Misha's leg. "Don't daddy, do it for me", Ruby said, trying to get Misha to not pull the trigger.

Misha looked down and saw Ruby and Yang, face full of tears. Misha looked up at Taiyang, he was going blue in the face from the lack of oxygen. He turned to the officer who trembled as he aimed his firearm. Misha sighed and dropped Taiyang. He desperately gasped for air. The officer said, "Please sir, lower your weapons", the officer said as he put down his dust pistol.

Misha calmly put down his shotgun and revolver. "I just want to talk to you", he said. Misha sat down and the officer did as well. "Taiyang will take the kids but if you can scrounge up 3,000 dollars in a week then you will keep the kids", said the officer. Misha glared at him, he had enough to oat but it's so stupid he has to. "I can tell your violent but these girls really seem to love you, all they ever talked about when I got here was where were you and how they love you. A man named Wrow was here but I sent him out as he said you were the father. If it was up to me I would let you keep them free of charge but it's the law and I can't change it, plus you already have a record", the cop said.

"Okay, I can get money", Misha said. "Take that bastard away from here", Misha said.

"Okay, but he will take the girls till you have the money", the cop said, making Misha want to do what he did to his clone.

"I go with them", Misha said.

"But what if…", said the officer.

"If you say no I will break you little man", Misha said. He pulled the cop closer and grabbed a bullet from his pouch. "Like a twig", he said as he squashed the bullet with ease, rubbing the gunpowder on his giant fingers.

"Taiyang, he's living with you and the girls till he gets the money to take them", the cop said. He was about to leave when he said to Misha, "Remember, a week", he said to the Russian. The cop would've arrested him but he's afraid if he did Misha really would break him like a twig.

Misha, the girls, and Taiyang left the complex but Misha then knocked on Pauling's door. She opened it and Misha said, "This is where you send my money", he said. "In lien", he said before he hurried after them.

In the car Taiyang was talking to the girls, "You bitches are gonna get it", he said.

"Dad will make sure that doesn't happen", Yang said. Ruby was scared and cuddled up close to Yang.

"What's that meathead gonna do about it", he said.

"Why don't you ask him", Yang said as Misha walked to the car. He shut the fuck up when Misha got into the car. He had his guns and a sack of Sandviches with him. Everyone was silent during the whole ride.

They finally got to the house and Misha walked in after the Taiyang but before the girls. He saw the place was a mess. Broken beer bottles, pizza boxes, and it smelled like throw up and smoke. Then again the smell didn't bother Misha. Taiyang then lit a cigar. "Welcome home I guess", he said as he watched TV.

"Do you clean", Misha asked.

"Nah, the girls usually do it", Taiyang said as he shot a glare at the girls. Misha shot a glare at Taiyang and the two glared at each other for a good 5 minutes before Taiyang flipped him off and Misha threw a beer bottle at his couch.

They went into the girls old room. It looked really sad, it wasn't painted, the beds were just old pillows, there wasn't even a toy for them to play with, just broken shards of glass. Misha was disgusted with Taiyang. "This dump was your room", Misha said, feeling less guilty that he had to make them dolls and share his room with them.

"Yes, the bathroom is worse", Yang said. Ruby then hugged Misha and cried.

"Daddy are we gonna be okay, I don't want to be here", said Ruby.

"I know, I will get money and we will be happy", Misha said. Yang yawned and layed against Misha. Ruby snuggled up with Misha and fell asleep.

"Thank you for being with us", Yang said to Misha. "I love you", Yang said. She kissed him on the cheek and fell asleep on his lap. Misha rubbed her hair and remembered back when he first met them and what he told her.

Flash back:

The man sighed as he thought it was something about the father taking away a toy or some other stupid thing kids cry about. "What did he do", he asked.

"He hits me and always has these men who smell bad come over", she said as she started to tear up again. He wiped the tears of her face his giant hands.

"Is ok, bad man will not hurt you anymore", he said.

"How do you know", she said.

He then put his hand on her head and said, "No bad man will hurt you as long as I am here", he said.

Present:

"No bad man will hurt you as long as I am here", Misha said he pumped his shotgun and cocked his revolver. He wasn't planning on sleeping and giving Taiyang to opportunity to hurt his precious girls.

Well, here ya go. Yeah sorry this is a bit short but I wanted to end this chapter on a more softer note. No time skip next chapter either, it's turn for the Drunk House Chronicles. Misha now is Heavy Weapons Guy and now knows how it feels to be a mercenary. We'll see how this plays out. That's all for now, adios.

P.S.: Thanks for all the support, I'm so happy you guys like this.

REVIEWS:

The Mercenary Prime: Thank you Doctor (in Heavy's voice) I'm glad you like this odd fic

Guest: He hasn't told them yet and will have a one fight per week cycle

death korp commissinar: Yeah, TF2 always has to have humor. Thanks for being positive, glad the Internet isn't full of assholes, somewhat…

darkromdemon: What did you like about them? Also Misha will use his signature weapon soon.