AN: Bit of a setup chapter here, but I've got all these words I need to get rid of, so I'm giving them to you guys. Your welcome.
Lord Freeman: Wow man, I can't believe you read my entire story through machine translation, it can't possibly have translated very well. Really glad you liked it though, I wish my Spanish was better so I could better accommodate you :).
dogspirit1: That certainly seemed like an important detail, didn't it? :)
"Thank you for coming, Lincoln." Lisa Loud greeted the older boy as she directed him to her specially prepared therapy couch.
"No problem, Lisa." He eyed the couch warily. "So if I do this, we're square, right?"
"For now." She said, nodding in agreement.
"So what's this about?" He asked, gingerly taking his seat. To his surprise, it was extremely comfortable, and he eagerly took a reclined position, sighing contentedly as he sank into the soft cushioning.
"I'm taking a psychological evaluation. Specifically, I'm collecting data pertaining to your attraction to Carol Pingrey."
He sighed, this time in annoyance. "Lees, I keep telling you guys—"
"I'm only speaking in purely objective terms." She interjected, holding up one hand to forestall further protest. "Carol is possessed of qualities that you would find to be objectively attractive in any mate, and I'm interested in quantifying what those might be."
He hesitated. "Just to be clear, you're talking about—"
"Yes Lincoln." She rolled her eyes in annoyance. "I'm referring to those beyond her obvious, physical attributes."
"Oh, okay." Lincoln lay back, and pondered the question.
"Well, first off, purely objectively speaking, mind you..."
"Of course."
"Carol's a natural leader. She's responsible, organized, really knows how to take charge of a situation. She always seems to have the right answer, and I guess that kind of confidence is kind of attractive.
"Naturally." Lisa began scribbling on her notepad. Since she didn't indicate he should stop, Lincoln continued onward.
"She's also just really sweet, you know? Always looks on the bright side, really sunny disposition. I really like how she always tries to see the good in everything."
Lisa paused in her note taking to shoot him a surprised look, but when no further explanation was forthcoming, she resumed her previous position. "...Continue."
"Alright, what else?" Lincoln took a moment to mull things over. "Oh yeah, she's really funny."
"Truly?" Lisa responded, dryly.
Lincoln nodded in agreement. "Yeah, a sense of humor is really attractive, and Carol's got that in spades. Not that dry, observational stuff either, just really honest, genuine humor."
"She's also great with puns." He continued after a moment of reflection. "I dunno, they get a bad rap, but I think they're funny."
"You're serious?" Lisa asked, fixing him with a baleful expression.
"As serious as you can be about humor."
"Indeed." She rolled her eyes. "I certainly stepped right into that one. Continue."
"Oh, she's also athletic."
"She would be." Lisa muttered
"Golf of course, she's on the same team as Lori, but she's got sort of a natural aptitude for sports in general, and I just think that's really cool."
He paused to consider this. "Huh. I might have a thing for strong women. Metaphorically speaking, but also literally."
"Lincoln, do you truly not see—"
"And she's a pretty gifted writer too. I've started bouncing ideas off her for my comic, and she always gives me really valuable insight. She's got a really good sense for story structure, and her prose isn't bad either."
Lisa took a moment to compose herself, clearly bothered by something.
"Okay, Lincoln." She said, at last. "I have one final question for you. If there was one thing you could change about Carol, what would it be. For the sake of argument, I'll even allow some sort of perverse physical change. Taller, curvier, blonde-er—".
"I guess I wish she was a little more musically inclined." He responded, almost immediately. "Kinda like Sam. There's something really cool about a girl who can shred a guitar."
Lisa flung her notepad across the room. The sound of breaking glass could be heard, followed almost immediately by the sound of something sizzling, but she didn't seem particularly concerned about it, so Lincoln chose to follow suit.
"Alright, I think we're done here."
"Already?"
"Yes, elder brother. Please kindly get out. For both our sakes."
Lincoln shrugged. "Well, I guess it is getting late. Night sis."
Lincoln climbed to his feet, crossed over to his little sister and pulled her into a brief hug. He didn't notice the way the diminutive scientist's face reddened ever so slightly as she returned the gesture of affection.
"Y-yes. Well..." She coughed. "Indeed. Good night big brother."
Lisa sighed as she watched her older brother depart, shaking her head in frustration. Lincoln was a bright boy. Nowhere near her own intellect, but reasonably intelligent by normal standards. And yet, sometimes the pale haired boy could be so very stupid. It was clear to anyone with eyes that his relationship with the Pingrey girl was merely a coping mechanism designed to deal with—
"Liiiiiisa..."
Lisa's frown deepened considerably as a familiar, blue-tinged mop of blonde hair poked into her opened door.
"For the last time, Samantha, I will not waste my valuable intellect turning you into 'Samzilla'. Moral and ethical quandaries aside, not to mention the square-cube law, I think I've made it abundantly clear that I just don't like you very much."
"But Lisa..." She pleaded.
Lisa wasn't having any of it. She reached for a nearby remote and thumbed a small button, smirking as machinery whirred to life and a previously unseen compartment in the wall began opening up.
"Pain Bots Deployed. Dispensing Pain."
"Eeep!"
Teeth brushed and good nights wished to his family, Lincoln returned to his room to begin his bedtime preparations, sparing one wary glance at his ceiling vent. He stood there for a time, watching for signs of activity, but none presented themselves. Since the illusion of privacy was likely the best he was going to get, he stripped off his clothes, changed into his pajamas, and climbed into bed.
"Night, Maggie." He murmured, feeling it was the polite thing to do, then he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Minutes passed as Lincoln's breathing gradually slowed, finally achieving the slow and steady cadence of one who was firmly in REM sleep. It was at this point that a dark figure slithered out from under his bed. She glanced fondly at the white haired boy, only barely resisting the urge to climb into bed alongside him, and quietly exited the room, closing the door behind her. She breathed a soft sigh of relief, and with one last, brief glance of longing at the sealed portal, turned to take her leave.
"Hiya, Mags." Luan said cooly. She was standing only a few feet away, nonchalantly sipping from a steaming mug. The sweet scent on the hallway breeze suggested cocoa was her beverage of choice.
"I thought you'd be asleep by now." Maggie grumbled, not particularly happy at having been caught.
"I'd like to be." Luan rolled her eyes. "But Luna's with Sam, and they're being really Loud. Get it?" She waggled her eyebrows for emphasis.
Maggie's pale cheeks redden ever so slightly. "Y-you mean..."
She was interrupted as familiar wailing resounded down the hallway.
"I-I just, I just wanted to fight monsters, a-and smash stuff! Why is she being so mean!?"
Maggie's embarrassment immediately evaporated as she fixed a withering glare upon Luan. As usual, the jokester seemed completely unphased.
"So why are you out and about?" Luan continued, as if nothing had happened. "The 'Not-So-Slendergirl' act finally getting old?" She stepped forward and gave one of Maggie's ample breasts a poke for emphasis.
Maggie slapped her hand away in annoyance. "I need to check in with my parents. They're lame, but they worry if I'm gone for too long."
"Aw." Luan chuckled. "I guess you have a...soft spot, for them." She reached out once more, but this time Maggie was ready for her, artfully sliding around the comedienne so she could continue on her way, unmolested.
"You could just tell him how you feel, you know." Luan called after her as she started making her way down the steps.
Maggie flinched ever so slightly, pausing mid-stride.
"I just enjoy being around him. For now, that's enough." She replied, keeping her voice level. "Besides, couldn't I say the same of you?"
Luan shrugged indifferently. "Time's not right yet."
Maggie waited for Luan to elaborate, but she simply stood there, wearing that same smirk as she sipped her drink. Finally, with a grunt of annoyance, Maggie too her leave, sparing the Loud House once last look of longing as she silently disappeared into the night.
Lincoln took one last look through his notes. He'd already done this numerous times, but he'd found it was best to ere on the side of caution when his sisters were involved. Doubly so if Sam was included. His campaign was poised on the edge of a knife. One misstep, and it would be all over. The group doomed to endless sessions of zany, cartoonish hijinks, and Sam and his sisters fighting over some hapless dope. And nobody wanted that.
Lincoln looked to the empty spot on his shelf where his home-made Ace Savvy miniature had once sat. Sam had decided to keep him after the previous session. Lincoln had demanded Ace's return, but...
"Sure thing, Linc." Sam said, a sultry smile through half-lidded eyes. She leaned over and thrust her chest out, exposing her tiny captive and the fleshy prison in which he still remained. "All you've gotta do is reach in and pull him out."
He'd looked to Luna for assistance, only to find the rocker frozen in place, the small trickle of blood dribbling out of her nose the only indication that she was flesh and blood. Not willing to lay hands upon his sister's girlfriend...tempting though it may be, Lincoln had been forced to abandon his tiny comrade.
But today, that changed. Today...he clenched his fist for dramatic effect...today he'd take his ace from that hole.
Lincoln sighed and grabbed his phone, entering a memo to take Luan up on her pun-workshop offer. The comedienne's word game wasn't perfect, but it was a heck of a lot more consistant than his was. Maybe he could learn a few things. He glanced at the clock as he did so; nearly show time, and shot off a quick text message.
Lincoln: It's almost time. You coming?
Carol: Yep. Parked a couple of blocks away, like you suggested. Should be there in a few.
Lincoln: Cool,. Backdoor should be open, I left some snacks for you. Just hang out there until I call you in, shouldn't take too long.
Carol: :)
Satisfied, Lincoln moved to put his phone away, then stopped. Seemed like he wouldn't be needing Plan B, better let her know it was off.
Lincoln: Hey Becky, Carol's good to go, so no need for you to be on standby anymore. Thanks a bunch, I owe you one.
A moment later he received a...reply? Cucumber emoji, donut emoji, three raindrops. Weird, she must be hungry.
Lincoln entered the dining room, arms loaded with his gaming materials, and nearly dropped them in surprise. There were his sisters (and Sam), seated with character sheets and dice at the ready, and even in costume to boot. It was unusual for them to be so cooperative...
"Just wait till Linc gets here, Sharp!" Lynn boasted, slamming her fist on the table for emphasis. "Today you're going down!"
"Keep talking, Loud!" The blonde girl jeered. "Today this Sharp, is gonna make you flat!"
Luan coughed quietly into her fist, causing Sam's arrogant smirk to turn into a frown. Grumbling, she reached into her utility belt, fished out a five-dollar bill, and slid it over to the jokester.
"A-thank you." Luan said, snatching up the bill with a satisfied smile.
...Eh, Lincoln would take it. This kind of stuff had become common place among the group.
"Hey girls." He grunted, setting his load down and taking his seat, smiling at the chorus of greetings he received.
"Hey Linc." Sam purred, unzipping the top of her cat suit and revealing that she still retained possession of her prisoner. Lincoln's smile diminished somewhat.
"...Sam, please tell me that hasn't been there all week." Lori deadpanned.
Sam's only response was to turn her head to the side, and start whistling a jaunty tune. Surprisingly, Luna joined her, though her face was considerably redder, and her whistling considerably shakier.
"Yikes." Luan opined, one eyebrow raised in surprise.
"Literally." Lori affirmed.
"Hmm..." Leni murmured, looking uncharacteristically contemplative.
"Weshouldprobablygetstartednow!" Lincoln interjected, hands blurring as he began to set up the table as expediently as possible.