Chapter 4

Severus watched as Potter scribbled reams of notes in front of him. The man's face was etched with concentration, his bottom lip held between his teeth. Severus had been watching him for some time and was both annoyed at being ignored and aroused by the seemingly innocuous gesture.

Nothing had been said about their previous encounter and Potter had been nothing but professional since Severus had arrived at the man's house. They had spoken at length about the wand Potter would create and, while Severus was interested, he hated being treated like just another client.

The fire in Potter's eyes when they had argued at their last meeting was far preferable to the cold professionalism the man insisted on adopting. Severus still hadn't been able to fathom quite what Potter's issue had been, but he knew that something has crawled up the man's nose.

"So, we're going to be using Copper Beech for the wood," Potter said, laying his quill to one side and folding his hands while he looked up at Severus.

"That's unusual," Severus said. He had never heard of such a wood being used in wand-making before.

"It has great flexibility and in tree lore it's associated with creativity and knowledge. It'll be an excellent medium for the magic associated with creating potions."

"Interesting."

Potter nodded and said, "If you wouldn't mind standing, I need to take a few measurements."

Severus resisted the urge to say something crude and instead complied with Potter's request. Potter came out from behind the desk, brandishing a tape measure and Severus stood up a little straighter.

Potter measured his wand arm from wrist to elbow, then measured it in its entirety. He moved the tape measure across Severus' chest and then measured the width of his shoulders.

It was as close as they'd been in years and Severus was sure he could detect the faint hint of a blush on Potter's cheeks. "Very thorough, Potter," Severus murmured softly and a muscle in Potter's jaw twitched slightly.

"Some of us like to do things properly," Potter said, looking up to meet his eyes. There was a challenge there but Severus couldn't quite discern what it was.

"I wonder if you go to such trouble for all your clients."

Potter's eyes narrowed. "Don't flatter yourself." He retreated back to the safety of his desk and noted Severus' measurements, something slightly less contained in his posture.

"You would have done all the flattering for me…once," Severus said, wondering just what kind of reaction he could provoke from the man.

Potter looked up at him, his face guarded and pinched. "Things change," he said, a slight waver to his voice. "Now, I'll start preliminary work when I've gathered all the things I need and then – "

"I've brought that book for Josh," Severus interrupted, wondering if he could needle Potter another way.

Potter blinked for a moment, then said, "That's very thoughtful. Thank you. I'll give it to him later."

"Can't I give it to him myself? There's a particular chapter I'd like to bring to his attention."

"He's not here."

"Where is he?"

"Why do you care?" Potter asked, folding his arms. "He has nothing to do with you."

That seemed a tad hostile, even for Potter. "I like him. The feeling seems to be mutual," Severus said, enjoying the play of emotions that crossed Potter's face.

"If you think I'm going to let you waltz around here, spending time with my son then – "

"What exactly do you object to? Are you worried he might like me more than you?" Severus asked with a smirk, watching as anger swept through Potter's features.

"You really are a bastard, you know that?"

"So I've been told many times. Why does this bother you so much?" Severus asked. He'd found a sore point and he was going to press it until it bled.

"I don't have to explain myself to you."

"Is it his father?" Severus asked, and Potter's eyes flashed. "His other father of course. Would the man object? Do you still have contact with him?"

"You need to get out of my house," Potter said, moving around him and opening the study door. "Find someone else to make your wand."

"Was it a bad break up?" Severus asked, feeling rather gleeful that he was finally prompting Potter to display something other than indifference. "Did he break your heart?"

"If you don't leave now I swear I won't be responsible for – "

"Was it your first love? Do you still harbour hopes that he'll come back to you one day? Do you see his face every time you look at your son?"

Potter's chest began to move up and down as his breathing became harsher and Severus knew he'd hit exactly the right nerve. He moved closer, feeling a thrill go through him at the look in Potter's eyes, as though he were approaching a coiled viper ready to strike.

"Can you still remember the feel of him inside you?" he whispered.

Faster than he could blink he was pinned against the wall, Potter's fists bunched in his robes. "He's yours, you fucking bastard," Potter hissed. "He's your son."

The world seemed to go silent. He could no longer hear the ticking of the ornate clock on Potter's table, nor could he hear Potter's laboured breathing. He felt the pressure on his chest where Potter was holding him against the wall but beyond that there was very little grounding him to reality.

"You're lying," he whispered.

"Believe what you want, it doesn't matter," Potter said, releasing his hold on Severus' robes and stepping back. "You're not coming anywhere near him ever again."

"He can't be – "

"Well he is," Potter said, his voice low and dangerous. "He was born on the 17th May 2001, does that help? Can you work backwards to the date of conception?"

"But it can't – "

"I'm not standing here explaining myself to you. I've told you to get out of my house once already, I'm not going to repeat myself."

Potter moved back to the door, holding it open, his face a mask of fury. Severus' feet seemed to move of their own volition and before he could fully register it he was standing outside Potter's house, the door slammed firmly shut behind him.

His own blood pounded in his ears and he was dimly aware of the waves crashing on the shore below. His palms prickled and he felt as though he'd just used a particularly potent portkey.

It couldn't be true. Potter was just saying it to get him to stop talking. The boy wasn't his, he simply couldn't be. He didn't look anything like him, he was just…another child.

He began walking, needing to get away from Potter's house as soon as possible. He made his way along the cliff tops, the wind a welcome distraction from his thoughts. He needed to verify this nonsense, he needed some sort of test akin to those that muggles used to determine parentage. Better yet, he needed to talk to someone who knew for sure what the truth was.

He was already walking towards Lulworth, why not go to Draco's and see what the man had to say about this ridiculous tale? He considered apparating there but he needed the walk to help him organise his thoughts.

May…that would mean that Josh was conceived in the previous August…right around the time he had slept with Potter at the anniversary bash. Still, it meant nothing. He was sure that Potter had men filling his bed on a nightly basis, how could he possibly stand out from such a crowd?

It was a long walk to Draco's and by the time he arrived it was early evening. He was tired and angry, furious with Potter for telling such a bare-faced lie. His loud knocking was greeted by a bewildered-looking Draco, who invited him in just as he was shouldering the door open.

"Do you want to tell me what the hell you think you're doing barging into my home?" Draco asked, his arms folded across his chest.

"I want an honest answer," Severus said, his voice trembling. "Is Potter's brat my son?"

Draco was silent, frozen as he looked at him. "Who told you?" he said eventually.

"Potter himself," Severus spat. "No doubt in some futile attempt at provoking me. I know it's a disgraceful falsehood and I – "

"He's your son," Draco said, his voice low, his posture rigid.

"Don't be ridiculous," Severus scoffed. "Of course he isn't."

"He's. Your. Son," Draco said, punctuating each word, his eyes blazing just as Potter's had done.

"Rubbish. You've fallen for whatever line Potter's been spinning you. I never believed you'd be so gullible."

"I never understood what Harry saw in you," Draco said, moving closer and looking at Severus as though he were a specimen on a laboratory table.

"I beg your pardon?"

"He used to tell me that you were different to the way most people perceived you. He used to say that there was so much more to you than the persona you presented to the rest of the world. I used to tell him he was mad, that he was seeing what he wanted to see but he'd never listen. After that night though…he never saw you the same way again."

"Do you think I care what Potter's opinion is of me?"

"I'm absolutely certain you don't. I don't think you've ever truly cared for anyone other than yourself. Everyone talks about you as though you're some kind of hero – the brave spy who risked his life to serve the Light. It's a load of bollocks though, isn't it? You never did anything for anyone that wouldn't benefit you first and foremost."

"I didn't come here to be lectured by a former student," Severus said, feeling his lip curl into a sneer.

"No, you came here to verify something you already know to be true," Draco said, his voice taking on a dangerous edge.

"Hardly likely. Potter would have had a slew of lovers. How could he pick a potential father out of that line-up?" Severus asked viciously.

Draco's gaze bored into him for a moment and Severus hadn't felt under such threat in a long time. He could take the blond, he was sure of that, but it had been a long time since he had been placed in such a position.

"You were his first," Draco said, his voice barely under his control.

Severus blinked in surprise, feeling as though Draco had punched him in the gut. It couldn't be true. "No," he said, shaking his head. "No I wasn't."

"You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the arse!" Draco said heatedly. "You were his first, you fucking prick. You want to know something else as well? You were his last."

"What the hell does that mean?" Severus asked, feeling as though he might as well have been having the conversation in a foreign language.

"After that night with you there was no one else." Draco moved closer again and Severus felt himself backed up against the wall. "You see, you hurt him so badly that he thought that was what sex was like. He couldn't imagine that sex could involve anything but what you showed him and he vowed never to put himself through anything like that again."

"That's not – "

"He waited for you," Draco said, anger shaking through his voice, "he wanted you to be his first because he thought you cared about him. He wanted his first time to be something special but you showed him nothing but pain and humiliation. You messed him up in ways you can't imagine and now you have the audacity to come here and question him."

Draco paused and cast one long up and down the length of Severus' body. "You disgust me," he said in a whisper. "It would have been better for everyone if you'd never come back. You might want to think about that and consider whether England really is the right place for you. Now, get out of my house."

Two dismissals in one day was enough for any man, and Severus turned on his heel and left, Draco's words ringing in his ears. He apparated back to his apartment in Diagon Alley and slunk down into one of the armchairs.

His mind was spinning and he felt as though he'd been hit with a nasty strain of wizard flu. His hands were clammy, his pulse was quick and his mouth was dry. He couldn't process everything he'd heard in the last couple of hours and he didn't know how to even begin going about such a thing.

He couldn't have been Potter's first. It was inconceivable. The man had a trail of admirers, he would have been able to take his pick.

He wanted you, a voice whispered in the back of his mind. You know he did, you know how he looked at you back then, you know how he felt about you.

"Shut up," Severus growled at himself, burying his head in his hands. "He's a damned liar."

You hurt him, you know you did.

He shook his head, trying to stop his thoughts.

You took what you wanted from him and didn't care what it might have done to him. All those noises he made weren't from pleasure, they were from pain.

"He could have stopped me whenever he wanted!" Severus raged.

He didn't want to disappoint you, he was so desperate to please. He wouldn't have known any different, he didn't want to admit his inexperience.

Severus raised his head, his fingernails digging into the side of his face as he stared blankly ahead. The boy had wanted to talk before they did anything, he'd tried to tell him, tried to let him know so that Severus would be considerate.

You didn't want to listen. You didn't want to hear anything that would get in the way of claiming your prize.

"It wasn't my fault," Severus whispered, bile rising in his throat.

You made him bleed.

"Oh God."

Monster.

The following week passed in something of a blur. Severus didn't leave his apartment once and sat, day after day, in his armchair in front of the fire, going over things in his mind. He replayed the night of the anniversary party over and over again, feeling sicker and sicker each time he did.

He tried to rationalise, to defend his actions but guilt crept in nevertheless. He thought of how he manipulated Potter into bed, how he played on the man's feelings for him, how he didn't give a single thought to anything besides his own desire.

Beyond that was the fact that he now knew he had a son. He now understood that sense of familiarity he had felt with Josh, he understood the strange connection he had felt when no other child had ever managed to move him beyond indifference.

The boy was six. Severus had missed all of his life so far and Josh had no idea who he was. They were strangers to one another and judging by his last meeting with Potter the man had no intention of letting him near Josh again.

It shouldn't have been a problem, Severus shouldn't have cared, but he found that he did. He had never considered being a father and his time teaching hordes of brats hadn't changed that. Perhaps if he hadn't met Josh things would be different, the boy would just be a vague concept that he could push to the back of his mind, but he had met the boy. What was more, he liked him.

Was it possible that he could have a relationship with him? Would the boy ever learn the true nature of their relationship? It was unlikely, especially if Potter did all he could to keep them away from one another.

There was one answer, of course. He was simply doing his best not to acknowledge it. He would have to make amends. If he could make Potter see that he regretted what had happened then maybe it would pave the way to building bridges.

It wasn't in his nature to grovel, nor was it in his nature to apologise. He was a naturally defensive person and had always felt that apologising to someone put all the power in that person's hands. That wasn't a position he particularly wanted to find himself in.

The more stubborn side of himself was still insisting that there was nothing to apologise for anyway. Why should he make penance because Potter was a pathetic little virgin who wore his heart on his sleeve? He didn't have to come home with Severus that night, he didn't have to keep the child.

These thoughts went around and around in Severus' head for the whole week, creating such conflicted turmoil within him he thought he might go mad from it. Finally, after spending an entire day in bed, something he hadn't done since his 20s, he decided to pull himself together and face the music.

Hoping that Potter hadn't had the wherewithal to change the wards he apparated to Ringstead and began the walk to Potter's house. It was an encouraging sign, as he drew nearer, that he could still see the house. He steeled himself as he approached the front door, feeling his heart pounding in his chest.

"It's only Potter," he growled to himself, damned if he was going to let the little whelp have an effect on him.

He has every right to have an effect you, his inner voice chimed in. Damned if it wasn't getting bloody irritating. Leave your pride at the door, you're not in the right.

He took a deep breath and knocked firmly, waiting a few moments as he heard movements inside. The door creaked open and rather than seeing Potter glaring at him, he found himself being greeted by Josh.

"Professor!" the boy said enthusiastically. "Dad said you weren't coming back but I knew you – "

"Josh, who is it?" came Potter's voice from down the corridor and Severus' pulse jumped into his throat as the man came into view.

"Potter, I – " Severus began.

"Josh, can you please go up to your room?" Potter said, and the little boy looked up at his father with a frown.

"But Dad – "

"Now please," Potter said, a slight quiver to his voice.

Josh looked between Severus and Potter but he was clearly not daft enough to push his father. He huffed and trudged back down the corridor, the thundering of his feet on the stairs sounding moments later.

"Get off my property," Potter said, his stance firm.

"I want to talk to you," Severus said, reminding himself not to waver.

"Tough."

"We can't just leave things as they are."

"Why? What's changed?"

"Everything!"

"Nothing that needs to concern you. Josh has managed the first six years of his life without you, he'll be fine going the rest of his life without you in it."

"And what if I don't want that?" Severus asked, feeling his anger grow.

"Who gives a damn what you want? What makes you think you have any rights at all? Now, I'll ask you again – get off my property."

Potter went to close the door but Severus wedged his foot in it, receiving a glare for his troubles.

"I swear to God I'll hex you if I have to," Potter said, and Severus was reminded of the man who finally defeated Voldemort. He could feel the power rolling off Potter in waves and he had to admit that a small part of him was worried that Potter would make good on his threat.

"Five minutes, that's all I'm asking," Severus said, disgusted that he had been reduced to begging.

"What makes you think I'll give you five seconds?" Potter asked, his cheeks flushing.

Severus took a deep breath and tried to bring himself under control. He had one chance at this; if he messed it up he knew he'd never get within 100 miles of Potter ever again.

"Because you're a good father, and I think you'll never forgive yourself if you pass on the opportunity to let Josh know who his other father is."

Potter's eyes bored into his for a minute and Severus could see the warring emotions in their depths. Finally, he shook his head with a heavy sigh and turned around, moving down the corridor towards his study.

As the door hadn't been slammed in his face, Severus took that as an invitation to follow him. Once in the study, Potter threw up a few silencing charms then stood in front of his desk, arms folded, expression hard.

Now he was there, now Potter had actually conceded to speaking with him, Severus found himself at a loss for words. It was not a position he usually found himself in and he detested feeling as though Potter was holding all the cards.

"So, are you here to demand a paternity test? Are you here to tell me that I won't be getting a penny out of you for Josh's support?" Potter asked, something so implacable in his body language that Severus wondered if they'd ever manage a civilised conversation.

"No," he said levelly. "I believe that he's mine."

"Big of you," Potter spat.

"I'm given to understand that…I was the only person you had…been with."

The hardness disappeared from Potter's face instantly, leaving a stunned vulnerability that took Severus by surprise. His arms slid from folded strongly across his chest to wrap protectively around his abdomen and in the space of a few moments he appeared smaller and younger.

"Well," Potter whispered, "there you go."

He turned around, his shoulders hunched, and Severus' stared at the man's back for a few moments, wondering how best to proceed.

"Had I known – "

Potter turned back around to face him, his eyes red with unshed tears. "What? It would have been different?"

"I – "

"You would have cared? You would have spared me a second thought?"

"I didn't realise – "

"No, you didn't. Despite me trying to tell you, despite the fact that you could tell I was nervous…it hurt…you hurt me."

Severus felt his mouth go dry. It was one thing for Draco to have confronted him with his transgression, but it was another entirely to hear it from Potter's lips.

"I was so angry with myself," Potter continued. "I was so angry that I'd got everything so wrong, that I'd been so badly mistaken. You know I actually believed myself in love with you?"

Severus felt as though someone had punched him. The admission from Potter landed like a ton of bricks. He had known, of course, that Potter had taken a shine to him but he had imagined it was simply a misguided crush, the product of misplaced adolescent feelings.

"I didn't think you felt the same way of course," Potter continued, the effort of controlling himself making his voice shake, "but I thought perhaps you might have felt a small sense of regard for me. I soon realised that wasn't the case.

"I was such an idiot. I had all these…stupid fantasies about what it might be like with you. I imagined you might be…slow…and gentle, that you'd take time to let me learn what I liked, what you liked. I imagined it would be so different and then…when it happened…it was very obvious that you felt nothing for me, I was just an available body."

A single tear made its way down Potter's cheek and Severus felt his insides clench. All he could think about was how rough he'd been, how he'd shown the man nothing but aggression. For the first time in a long time he felt shame.

"You needn't worry by the way," Potter said, his voice hard again, "whatever I might have felt for you all those years ago died that night."

He shook his head and released a long, slow breath, then moved to stand in front of the window, his arms still folded protectively across his body. Severus watched him, knowing that he had no right to say anything, that there was no way to defend himself.

"When I found out that I was having Josh I was terrified," Potter said quietly. "My first instinct was to get rid of him. Why would I want any part of you?"

Severus flinched at the man's honesty, though he couldn't say he blamed him.

"I came to tell you," Potter said as he turned around to face Severus again, Severus unable to hide his surprise. "You told me you were leaving the country."

More pieces of the puzzle fell into place and Severus remembered the time Potter was talking about. He had assumed, at the time, that the man had come to try and pursue a relationship but, as he considered it, he remembered that Potter had seemed agitated and upset.

"At that point I still wasn't sure if I was going to keep him but I thought that you had a right to know. You were so hostile, so determined to let me know that I meant nothing to you, I couldn't bring myself to tell you. I left your house that day thinking that I'd be better off getting rid of the baby but…as the days went by I began to feel more and more connected to him."

After a moment's pause, Potter continued, "I had no idea it was even possible, but I should have known that I'd be some bizarre exception to the rule. I spoke to Drake, he was…I wouldn't have coped without him. He told me he'd support me and I began to think that maybe I could do it. The first time I felt Josh move…God it felt like the world had stopped. I knew then I'd do whatever it took to keep him safe and protected, that I would love him more than anything else on the planet."

"And do you believe the best way to do that is to keep him away from me?" Severus asked carefully.

"It's worked well enough for the past six years."

"Hasn't he ever asked?"

"He's had questions. I've no doubt he'll have more in the future, but I'd rather answer his questions than let you in his life."

"What are you so afraid of?"

"You're not a man to be trusted," Potter said, and Severus felt the blow more keenly than he would have cared to admit.

"I wouldn't hurt him," he insisted.

"Why do you even care? You hate children! Why would you even want to be part of his life?"

"Because he's my son! I didn't even know he existed until a few weeks ago and I accept that that's my fault but I'd like the chance to rectify it. I'd like the chance to get to know him."

"And how do I know that you won't abandon him when it suits you? How do I know you won't become bored or irritated? How am I supposed to face my son and tell him that you've left him because he wasn't good enough?"

Severus sighed. "I can't make any promises, I wouldn't be so foolish, but I'd like the chance to try and build a relationship with him. He doesn't need to know I'm his father…not to start with…but can't we just spend some time together?"

Potter slumped against his desk, the fight seeming to leave his body, tiredness etching into his features. "I can't see my son hurt," he said softly, "so you can't see him without me, I'll have to be present."

Hope blossomed in Severus' chest and he realised just how much getting to know Josh meant to him. It was overwhelming and Severus couldn't say he fully understood it, but now he knew he had a son he didn't want to lose the chance to be in his life.

"You can come for dinner on Saturday, spend some time with him then," Potter said, clearly tense. Severus had to wonder, if their positions had been reversed, whether he would have been so magnanimous.

"Thank you," he said, daring to move a little closer. Potter looked at him warily and he knew that he had an uphill struggle ahead of him. "For what it's worth I am sorry."

"It isn't worth anything," Potter said with a look of resigned sadness. "It doesn't change what happened, it doesn't undo the hurt."

Severus nodded, seeing clearly how far-reaching the consequences of his actions had been. He couldn't promise to become a changed man, he couldn't promise that he would change beyond all recognition, but he now had a son to think of and that alone was enough to make him want to try.

AN: Hi guys...so something very nasty happened yesterday. An anonymous reviewer left a series of reviews on my work, including this one, accusing me of stealing. They called me, and I quote, a 'thieving bastard', and were incredibly hostile and offensive. I can state categorically that I have NEVER stolen material or plagarised another writer's work. I think most of you know me enough to know this to be true.

I was so upset by it that I deleted the comments immediately, especially because the person was anonymous and I couldn't respond to them directly. I'm sure many of us have been influenced by other writers at one time or another and I've always told people what has influenced me in the past. Many of you know that A Brave New World was inspired by The Marriage Stone (hardly surprising!), and I've told several of you that An Honourable Man was influenced in its tone and redemption arc by Empathic Siren's At The Heart of Things. As for outright stealing - I would rather never write a sentence again than steal something.

I'm still really upset by this whole thing today, as I'm sure you can imagine. I'd like to say a big thank you to the reviewer who then commented on this story and defended me and my work, it really was very much appreciated.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and I'm sorry this incident has marred it. Love to you all xx