Chapter 6
The school hall was crowded as Severus stood awkwardly, holding a cup of warm wine to his chest. It was the night of Josh's school play and he, Harry, Draco and Bill were all attending. Things were still a little strained with Draco, and Severus knew that the man didn't approve of Harry's decision to let him see Josh. It was between himself and Harry though, so Draco would simply have to get used to it.
Luckily Bill acted as a very affable buffer and seemed more than willing to welcome Severus into their strange family dynamic. Josh adored both Bill and Draco and Severus determined that it was in everyone's best interests for them all to get on.
"Severus!" came a happy voice through the crowd, and Severus spied Josh making his way towards him.
It was strange to hear Josh calling him by his first name, but the boy couldn't go on calling him 'Professor' and he couldn't be an uncle to him in the way that Bill and Draco were.
"You came!" said Josh as he bounced up to him.
"I promised I would. Shouldn't you be in your costume by now?"
"It'll only take a second. I wanted to come and see if you were here."
Severus smiled in spite of himself. Josh's growing fondness of him was very apparent and Severus was unable to disguise his own regard for the child.
"Where's Dad?" Josh asked, and Severus glanced around the hall looking for the man. His eyes finally fell on him, standing next to the stage speaking with a very attractive man.
Severus' eyes narrowed and he said, "He's over there. Who's he with?"
Josh followed his line of sight and said, "Oh that's Mr Hunter, he's our classroom assistant."
"Oh," Severus said, taking a sip of his tepid wine. "Why would he need to speak to your father?"
Josh shrugged. "They often talk to one another. I'm going to go and say a quick hello to Uncle Drake and Uncle Bill. See you after the play!" Josh said, then darted off to find his uncles.
Severus returned his attention to Harry, who was laughing at something 'Mr Hunter' was saying. Hunter then reached out and put his hand on Harry's shoulder, lowering his head as their conversation took on a more conspiratorial look.
You're jealous, his inner voice whispered.
I bloody well am not, Severus thought. There's just no reason why that bloody Hunter chap needs to stand quite so close to Harry.
It's none of your business who stands close to Harry. You have no right to have an opinion on the matter at all.
His bloody inner voice was right, of course. Severus was also baffled that he felt anything at all. It shouldn't have bothered him that Harry was standing there having a friendly conversation with an attractive man, it shouldn't have bothered him that said attractive man kept touching Harry's arm, but it did.
He watched as the two men continued to talk, their body language easy and natural although Hunter was certainly flirting with Harry. It was hard to tell if Harry was returning the attention as he had his guards up as usual. He certainly wasn't shying away from it though and Severus felt his jaw tighten uncomfortably.
Finally Harry extracted himself from the man's clutches and made his way back over to join Severus. Severus schooled his features into passive interest and said, "This wine's appalling."
Harry nodded and said, "It usually is. The PTA can only stretch to supermarket-own brand."
Don't mention the Hunter twat. It's none of your business. Don't spoil the evening.
For once, his inner voice was worth listening to. Harry would only tell him that it was none of business, which, of course, it wasn't.
Draco and Bill joined them, Draco still coolly polite with him. Severus would let it continue for a little while yet and then he was going to have words with the man. He may well have made mistakes but Harry was a grown man and wasn't in need of a protector.
They were eventually ushered to their seats by the formidable headmistress and Severus couldn't help but feel smug when Harry seated himself next to him. They were attending a school function together and watching their son in his play. It felt like progress even if it was only in a small measure.
The play, it had to be said, was fairly dire. There was nothing pleasurable about watching a tribe of primary school children prancing around and butchering Lionel Bart's lyrics and melodies. Most were flat when they delivered their lines and it was very clear that a large contingent had never properly learnt them in the first place.
And then there was Josh. Perhaps it was paternal pride speaking but Severus couldn't help but feel that his son shone out brightly from the rest. He delivered his lines superbly and seemed to have a knack for comic timing that had the audience laughing heartily.
There was a moment, while Josh and the girl playing Nancy performed 'I'd Do Anything', when Severus looked across at Harry and the two smiled at one another. Severus' stomach clenched, although not unpleasantly, and he couldn't help but be pleased at the feeling of something shared regarding their son.
Josh notwithstanding it was a relief when the play was over. Draco and Bill clapped loudly and hollered most ostentatiously when it was Josh's turn to take his bow. Seeing the grin on the boy's face was enough to make Severus approve of the uncouth spectacle.
They waited around afterward for Josh to change, Severus declining another cup of awful wine. It seemed the others all agreed that the play had been largely terrible but they were all in agreement that Josh's performance had been wonderful.
Harry was just about to go and find what was taking Josh so long when the Hunter man appeared at the fringe of their group.
"Jack," Harry said, stepping aside with a smile. "Wasn't he good?"
"He was, but then I've been treated to his performance for several weeks now. He was even practising his lines when he was supposed to be doing maths," the man said, a smile on his handsome face.
He's not that handsome.
Yes he is, are you blind? Severus berated his inner voice.
Fancy him for yourself, do you?
Not bloody likely. Too full of himself by half.
"Jack, this is a friend of the family, Severus Snape," Harry said, and Hunter reached to shake Severus' hand.
"Pleased to meet you. You're here to support Josh then?"
No, I'm here talent spotting the Dorset youth.
Resisting the urge to snort at his own witticism, Severus said, "I am. I couldn't be prouder."
"He was rather good. You must be proud of him, Harry," Hunter said, clapping a large hand on Harry's shoulder. Was the man incapable of refraining from touching Harry?
"I certainly am, although I have to say I'll be thrilled not to have him singing 'Consider Yourself' at all hours of the day or night. You know, I reckon I could have got up on the stage myself and belted it out."
"Now that I would have liked to see," Hunter said, smiling widely at Harry.
Smarmy git.
Severus pulled himself up sharply. 'Jack' had done nothing wrong and it would do no good to show open hostility to someone who did nothing more than assist in teaching his son.
"Dad!" came Josh's voice as he barrelled through the crowds, smears of stage make-up still smudged across his face.
"Well done sweetheart!" Harry said enthusiastically, sweeping the boy up onto his hip. "You were excellent!"
"Quite spectacular, my love!" Draco said, wrapping an arm around both Harry and Josh, peppering Josh with kisses.
It doesn't bother you when Draco's demonstrative, that should tell you something, you old bat.
Severus very badly wanted to tell his inner voice to take a running jump, but as it was encased inside his own head he didn't think he'd get very far.
"Please remember us all when you win your first Olivier award," Draco said, wiping a spot of rouge from the boy's face with his thumb.
Josh frowned and said, "It's pronounced 'Oliver', Uncle Drake."
Draco laughed and kissed Josh again. "My mistake, sweetheart. Let's get you home, away from your adoring public."
"You're weird, Uncle Drake."
"As if this is news to you."
After Harry bade a friendly and all too warm goodbye to the Hunter twit, the four adults and Josh made their way out to the car park and found a quiet spot to apparate back to Harry's home.
Josh was still on a high from his performance and would only concede to getting ready for bed if Bill and Draco went up with him. While Severus was becoming used to being involved in Josh's bedtime routine he was more than willing to let Bill and Draco pick up the slack this time. Getting Josh to be quiet long enough to fall asleep would be a feat that would fell a better man than him.
Harry fixed them both a drink and they listened to the sounds that drifted down the stairs of Josh telling Bill and Draco all the things that the other children had done wrong throughout the play.
"We're never going to hear the end of this," Harry said with a sigh. "He's been bitten by the acting bug. He wants to take acting lessons."
That came as no surprise to Severus. Josh had been talking about joining the local weekend stage-school for a while now and his enthusiasm hadn't dimmed.
Clearing his throat, Severus said, "If you'd let me I'd very much like to pay for his classes."
Harry narrowed his eyes and said, "I can afford to pay for a few acting classes."
"I wasn't suggesting otherwise," Severus said levelly, "but he's my son and I'd like to contribute something. So far…I haven't…taken on much responsibility as a father."
Harry sighed and placed his glass on the table in front of the sofa. "I suppose we should…talk about that some more. I've been putting it off if I'm honest."
"You didn't think I'd stay around," Severus said softly, and Harry chewed on his lip as he always did when he was uncomfortable.
"I'm still not sure that you will," Harry said honestly. It hurt to hear it but Severus couldn't blame Harry for his caution.
"I'm not going anywhere. I couldn't do that to Josh," Severus insisted.
"So you say but this is all still very new for you. At the moment you just get to do the fun stuff, you both get to see each other at your best. You haven't had the endless arguments with him; you haven't stayed up all night with him when he's sick; you haven't reached the end of your tether with him when you're tired and fed up."
"You're right, I haven't done any of those things," Severus said, feeling sad at the thought of how much he'd missed. "I wasn't there for the beginning of Josh's life and there are huge gaps that I have to fill, but I'd like to be able to try."
Harry put his head in his hands and rubbed agitatedly at his face. "I should have told you," he said quietly. "After Josh was born I should have got in with touch you, let you make the decision…given you a choice. I wasn't fair."
Severus could hardly believe what he was hearing. After everything that had transpired between them Harry was willing to shoulder the blame for the fact that he had missed so much of his son's life. Sometimes the man's generosity simply wasn't to be believed.
"I had no right to know," Severus said, pained by his own admission. "After…after what happened between us I had no right to know anything about the consequences. In all honesty…if I'd received the news from you…if I'd found out without meeting Josh, without having the chance to fall in love with him…I probably wouldn't have cared."
Harry was looking at him strangely, his expression searching, his eyes thoughtful. "You love him?" he asked, his voice a soft whisper.
Severus paused for a moment, looking down at his glass before saying, "Harry, I have very little experience with love, so little in fact that it's hard for me to recognise it. I wouldn't feel right making any kind of declaration to you but I can tell you that I feel things for Josh that I've never felt for another person. It's as close to love as I think I've ever come."
Harry looked overwhelmed, a maelstrom of conflicting emotions playing out across his face. Severus couldn't guess what the man was feeling and a large part of him wanted to reach out, to touch Harry, to make some of kind of physical connection with the man, but he had no idea how such a thing would be received and so held himself back.
"We'll put something more…official together after the holidays," Harry said, his voice strained. "You're part of his life now, he wants you around. You both have a right to forge a relationship."
"I'll endeavour to deserve it," Severus said seriously.
Harry gave a tight nod and said, "On Boxing Day we always have lunch here, just me, Josh, Bill and Drake. You'd be very welcome to come."
"Thank you, Harry. I truly mean that."
Christmas Day was a quiet affair. Severus knew that Harry and Josh were at the Burrow having a traditional Weasley Christmas and he was looking forward to seeing them both the following day.
He had deliberated at length over a Christmas present for his son and had finally settled on something he thought the boy would like. He was still faintly staggered at receiving an invitation to be part of Harry's holiday celebrations but he wasn't going to argue with anything that could help his relationship with Josh grow.
He spent Christmas Day quietly in his apartment, marking the occasion with a particularly fine bottle of wine. As the evening rolled around he apparated about a mile from his childhood home and made the short walk to the local church.
Wrapping his muggle coat tightly around himself he made his way to his mother's grave. His father was buried somewhere in the graveyard too but he had no intention of paying that bastard a visit.
Stopping in front of a modest headstone, Severus knelt down and placed the small bouquet of flowers he had purchased on top of the grave. It was only ever at Christmas that he came to the churchyard and he wasn't entirely sure why he came at all.
He had loved his mother and she had loved him, in her way, but there was never any real closeness between them. She had been a miserable and bitter woman, whatever warmth she had once possessed beaten out of her by his father.
If he was truly honest with himself, growing up with their relationship had scarred him. He had never seen what it was like to be one half of a partnership, he had never seen love and support in a marriage, and love and affection were alien concepts to him.
He had never been able to form any meaningful relationships and he had closed himself off to anything that might make him vulnerable. He was determined, however, that this emotional impairment would not bleed over into his relationship with Josh.
He would never be the kind of father that his own had been and he would try to be as open as he could with his son. It was terrifying, and a huge part of Severus kept snidely whispering that he would never be good enough as a father, but he had to try.
He owed it to Josh and himself to do so, and Harry had been good enough to trust him. He would do his best not to let any of them down.
"You're a grandmother," he quietly told his mother's headstone. "He's…a wonderful boy. He's bright and warm, he's friendly and kind. I feel connected to him in ways I've never experienced before. He doesn't have any grandparents, not biological ones anyway. I wonder if you'd have been a good grandmother to him."
It was unlikely. His mother had never had a fondness for children and she had spent her time in a bitter malaise that was hardly conducive to entertaining grandchildren. In all honesty Josh was better off with the surrogate grandparents he had in the Weasleys.
"It's terrifying," he admitted. "I keep thinking that I'm doing everything wrong, that I'll do something to make him hate me." He gave a self-deprecating laugh and said, "I suppose all parents feel that way. It's just…I've lost so much time with him, I have so much to make up for. I have nothing in my life to be proud of, but I feel pride when I look at him. I feel as though he makes me a better person, I want to be a better person for him."
He took a deep breath and cast a preservation charm over the bouquet of roses. "Merry Christmas, Mum. I'll see you next year."
He rose to his feet and cast a quick look around to make sure he was alone then apparated back to his apartment. He looked around the attractive space and couldn't help but feel the loneliness that seemed to invade every corner.
He had never minded solitude, indeed he had always relished it. He had always preferred living alone and had only ever shared his living space under duress. These days, he found his evenings cold and dull without Josh recounting one of his stories or without Harry's gentle admonishments or terrible jokes.
The thought of spending the following day with them was a warming one. He was doing his best not to think about it but it wasn't only his son he was eager to see. It was a dangerous thought to harbour but he could admit that he was growing to like Harry and to enjoy the man's company.
He appreciated how good a father the man was, how he strived for his work, how he took great care of the relationships in his life. Of course, a by-product of spending time with Josh was spending time with Harry too and Severus couldn't say that it was too much of a chore.
He retired to bed early, keen to see the end of the day and to greet the next one on the horizon. He slept fitfully, plagued by dreams of Harry telling him that he could no longer see Josh, that he wasn't good enough to be a father to him. He didn't need a muggle psychologist to interpret those particular dreams for him.
AN: I decided that, as this and next chapter are shorter than the others, I would post this today and chapter 7 on Friday. I hope you're not complaining ;)
For those of you who are worried that Severus is getting off too easily, never fear. There is a long road ahead of him and just because it looks like we're plain-sailing at the moment trust me when I say it won't always be that way.