Chapter 20
Forget my Regret

"Judith, it's morning." Someone (not my father, who typically woke me up in the morning), shook my shoulder. In a single moment all the events of yesterday flooded my mind and my eyes snapped opened abruptly.

"Mari?" I asked worriedly looking up to see Aaron standing over me.

"It looks like she's doing a bit better today." He explained. "She's getting dressed with Tanti and Luis. Do you want breakfast?"

I shook my head, rubbing at my eyes. "It's fine. I'll get food at my house."

"Ah come on, stay for breakfast. It's the least we can do after all."

Oh why not? It was the perfect time to give them the gifts anyways. I pulled on a shirt and a pair of shorts and helped Aaron fry up some mushrooms, eggs and toast. Even with few ingredients to work with Aaron still managed to be one good cook.

When the Waifs made it down, both Tanti and Luis ran up to me, enfolding me in hugs the moment they saw me.

Mari, however was less ready.

"How do you feel today?" I asked carefully.

"Better." She announced simply. There was nothing more we could say so we just sat at the table, eating in awkward silence.

Eric and Aaron were the only ones that attempted occasional conversation but we mostly just ate quietly. When everyone was done I helped them with the dishes.

"Don't you have school today?" Eric asked when he suddenly looked over at the clock and realized what time it was.

"I'm not going today." I said simply. "This is much more important."

"Are you sure your dad will be alright with that?"

"I think he'll understand." I said.

He went quiet after that and didn't push me for details. After a while I went upstairs and visited a bit with the others. I held Luis as he curled up beside me on the bed while also taking that time to give them their presents. All three accepted them with expressions of delight, though Mari seemed to hide a look of guilt behind her sad smile. The younger two cuddled their individual toys close to them while the girl swung the strap over her shoulder and rested the bag on her side, fidgeting every once in a while, with the beaded butterfly on the front.

As the hours ticked by Tanti distracted us while she colored on some old notebooks on the floor, babbling endlessly with mixes of her language and the new English words she had been learning. Every now and then she got up to hand us whatever pictures she had just completed.

She gave Luis one that looked like a little boy shining bright with sparkles all around him. Mari was given a set of three illustrations. The first one was of a girl who looked ugly and sad, then another drawing of something that looked like a mummy wrapped up in green bindings under a sky full of stars and the bright quarter moon, and the last one was of a girl popping out of the wrappings as something much prettier than before with bright colorful butterfly wings.

After flipping through each of them carefully, Mari smiled, looking a bit better.

The picture I was given was of a girl that looked like me, wearing a pointed witch's hat and holding a wand that sparked with magic. There were a few grey and green bodies on the page but the witch seemed to be casting a spell on them that made them all turn and leave. Before lunch she gave me two more drawings. One of the same witch kneeling in front of the body of a sleeping girl then waving the wand again to revive her on another page.

I understood what these pictures meant and I took care to tuck them away in my backpack when we had gone downstairs again.

We all held hands as we filed down the street towards the mess hall for lunch. On the way, we met Dad who was of course concerned that I had decided to play hooky without telling him. But when he caught sight of Mari and the bandage around her throat he sighed and only told me not to skip again without telling him.

It seemed the mess hall was too loud for the girl to really bear just now, so after getting our food we spread out on the hall lawn and ate together in the quiet of the summer day. Tanti carried the majority of the conversation with Eric occasionally interrupting her babbling to add something in Spanish or to remind her that she kept switching between the languages.

Meanwhile, my eyes continued to frequently glance at the girl next to me. Mari's eyes were on her soup and she continued to sip at it silently. Her throat wasn't able to handle anything thicker than liquids right now, but once she built her strength back up, the skill would come back to her. I continued to eat in silence beside her.

Eric and Tanti volunteered to take the dishes back to the hall while the rest of us walked the distance back to the house.

At their house, Aaron did his best to distract the two of us with a puzzle after he put Luis down for a nap, but sometime later he was called out because of a small emergency concerning the fence. As curious as I was about it I knew better than to leave the two other children to personally investigate.

"Can you stay here with her, Judith?" he asked before grabbing his bow and quiver.

"Yes. Don't worry about it."

"Thanks, I'll try and be back as soon as I can."

The door closed behind him and it was just the two of us.

We sat in the living room, staring down at the puzzle between us. There was a thick awkward silence that neither of us seemed to know how to break. A rush of emotion seemed to hit me just then and it took all my strength to keep from responding to it, but it soon became more and more difficult the longer the quiet stretched. After a moment Mari looked towards me, figuring she would try to break the silence first, even if her voice was weak.

"Judith… I…"

"Please." I cut her off, a lump forming in my throat and my eyes burning from out of nowhere. "Just… let me say something before you talk. I know you're going through an awful lot right now. I know you're hurt and scared and everything is so strange for you right now, but when I saw you like that… when I saw what you were ready to do to yourself I just… I can't believe…"

I turned on her, looking her square in the eye even while the tears burned down my cheeks and my voice trembled against the water. "Look! Even if you're hurting, even if you've have things weighing you down so much it feels like you'll be crushed, you have to stick around, okay! You don't get to just… come into someone's life, make them care about you and then just check out! It doesn't work like that you selfish… you stupid…"

Mari looked lost as she stared into my teary face. At last, she leaned forward and took me in a hug, resting her chin on my shoulder while I tried to compose myself.

"Is it so bad that you just have to forget about it, no matter what?" I asked. "Because I'll help you do that. Or… do you need to talk about it? Because I'm here for that, too, Mari. I'll listen to whatever you have to tell me. I'm trying so hard to understand you. I want to understand you. Even if it's so awful you're worried I'll be afraid and turn away from you. Well I won't. You're not the only one who's had to do things to survive. I'm here to help you, however I can. I'll do whatever you want me to do. Just tell me."

Her whole body trembled and her arms held tighter, as if she thought I would be yanked away from her. I could feel water falling on my neck while the rest of her shook in the embrace.

"Why this happen?" She finally asked in a strangled whisper.

"I don't know." I answered, honestly.

"Everything… why to Tanti and Luis? Why this happen to us?"

My heart nearly broke with those trembling words. "Oh Mari, I'm so sorry."

"It… feel so bad!"

"I know."

"Quiero olvidar… want to… forget."

"…Do you really?"

"Sí. Duele mucho. I… want it gone!"

"Then let me help you."

I led Mari to my house and she followed me up to my room. Hesitantly, she took a seat on the cushion on the floor watching me as I dug around in my untidy closet. My room was still a mess since Negan's intrusion and it was difficult trying to organize things on my bad leg but the girl didn't seem to really mind as her gaze swept over the various things perched on the surfaces or hanging from the walls and ceiling.

At last I crawled out of the closet holding tight to one of the most valuable things I owned.

It was the ancient Book of Shadows Vanessa taught me from.

I still remembered the day she had shown it to me and how marvelous it was to see it for the first time. It was a scrapbook of old poems, little stories, remedies, recipes, legends, tips and tricks, several guides to various magic, and little homemade spells passed down through decades.

It was more than a century old and had worn and withered pages, fading pictures, smeared ink, and whole torn out areas that had been both expertly and clumsily pasted back together. But there were other things inside, too. Secret codes, puzzles, and ciphers, some were even written in invisible ink and required these customized spectacles to read them in. I didn't have those spectacles, they had been lost ages ago, or so Vanessa told me, but some of the passages could still be read when applied with heat, or the pages could be held up directly to the light and read from that way. Even still, I knew those methods were hardly scraping the surface of mysteries that were concealed inside.

There was even a darker part of the book that was separated and locked off from the rest, sealing off the cursed half with a key Vanessa wouldn't give me. I wondered how dark it all really was though, if Vanessa had introduced me to another volume supposedly far more sinister than this grimoire.

In spite of that, it was one of the best, most magical things I'd ever been given. It was real magic, okay. The kind that bonafide witches learned and perfected with years and years of magical talent harnessed under their belts.

It was where some of the most successful spells I had ever tried were found.

I flipped to a page I hoped would help my friend.

There were several notes written in different hands about the spell: reviews on what it had done for those who practiced it before.

In my opinion, it's the single spell that works the absolute best.

Success rate 100%... so far.

Warning: Can be incredibly intense for recipient.

Looking over the materials, I left briefly to gather what was needed. When I came back, Mari was still kneeling on the floor, curiously fiddling with one of the crystals from my desk. Her eyes continued to flit over to a glass case displaying butterflies on my wall.

She was so like a butterfly, I thought. And perhaps after she shed what was holding her down, she would be able to transform into something more glorious than before.

I spread the items out, arranging them just so with the book opened to the page I needed.

Mari watched me intently, eyes wide as I worked, drawing the circle and arranging the altar just the way the book instructed with a basin of water in the middle, black candles surrounding it in a half circle facing away from her, and a single white candle in the center. For the final touch, I came around Mari and tied a bandana with a mirror attached to it so that it rested against her forehead, right over her third eye chakra.

As confused as she looked about all of this, she at least had the courtesy not to question it. I turned her shoulders to face forward again and took a seat at the opposite end. Looking down at the instructions, I read the incantation in the Verbis Diablo and gestured down to the bowl. Mari's eyes turned to it, staring into the water with rapt attention. For a moment, she looked skeptical about what was happening, until she began to see things inside the water.

Oh come gentle night
Oh come stars and sun and moon
Wrap this child in your light
And cradle her in a silver spoon

Wipe the errors of the past
Erase the harm of another
Heal this agony at last
And keep her near the mother

Though to start anew once more
Find her courage once again
Face her demons like before
And give her strength to win

Naught shall she turn away
She'll look them in the eye
Only will they be chased away
So they may long last die

May this spell at last find peace
Give this girl her dues
Let these tears and terrors cease
And reborn her anew

Her body went rigid and I could immediately tell that what she was seeing now was not scenes she wished to revisit. Gradually tears began to spill from her eyes and she looked as though she longed to turn away, but the spell wouldn't let her. She started to tremble and rub her arms as though she were cold.

The sight of her in such a state made my heart clench, but the spell did not stop.

And then, one of the candles blew out, then another and another and another.

Marie stared into the water and continued to sob harder than ever. Each tear made little drips into the bowl, upsetting the still water more and more till I could barely see her reflection anymore.

Gradually each and every candle puffed out and when the white candle extinguished in an audible POOF Mari's tears halted abruptly. Her gaze flicked up to look towards me as if everything in her life had suddenly stopped, completely. In a single moment, her body lost all feeling and she promptly spilled to the side and fainted.

With my heart in my throat, I rushed over and checked her breathing.

She was alive.

Sighing in relief, I worked her into my arms, and struggled to carry the girl over to the hammock, where she would be comfortable till she woke. Mari wasn't as heavy as I expected but it was still a bit awkward getting her up there. Once accomplished, though, I busied myself by cleaning everything up while she slept.

Hopefully when she woke again those ghosts in her past would be no more than distant forgotten shadows.

I hadn't realized at the time that in my haste to help the most damaged of the three, I had unintentionally forgotten about the youngest of the Waifs while he was quietly taking his nap.

I was promptly reminded of my negligence when Eric burst into our house sometime after Mari had fainted and called out for the two of us.

Jumping to my feet, I ran downstairs and met him in the living room where he demanded to know where Mari was while also reminding me about Luis who was in his arms with Tanti at his side.

I had never before felt dumber than that moment right there.

Eric was a little easier on me than Aaron had been on Tara, but it didn't stop me from inwardly beating myself up.

When Mari woke up, she seemed better. Out of curiosity I asked her how she felt.

She thought for a moment. "It feel… not so bad."

"What do you remember?"

Her brow lowered as she tried to search for an answer. "Not much."

"Do you feel better?"

She took her time to respond, but when she did, she turned to me and smiled fully.

"Yes. Did… spell work?"

My first reaction was to immediately nod, but I had to consider this thoroughly for a moment. "I'm still trying to figure that out. Is there much you remember from before?"

"…No."

So then maybe it did work. Even so, with her history, I thought it may have been best if I kept a close eye on her until I was sure about it.

For the next two evenings, I performed the other spells for the Waifs, divvying them up as necessary between days. In addition, I kept a small notebook of their progress and anything that seemed out of the ordinary, examining and logging anything I found about them. In some ways, it seemed like I was a scientist jotting down the behaviors of various animals in a field journal.

About two and a half weeks later, the three of them seemed to function like perfectly normal people and began to even play with the children around town. Tanti and Luis especially found the company with others much more bearable. Mari, though, seemed to prefer my friendship over others and, in time, it seemed as though the two of us grew a special sort of bond.

For all the trials, we had been through and all the baggage we carried, I was happy we were friends. It was actually the first time I had friends near my own age.

It was common knowledge that I didn't really get along with the other kids in town. They all thought I was weird and most were afraid of me, and maybe they were right.

I was the only one who practiced spells, went outside the wall all alone, was the first to leap into fights, and was stupid enough to stand up to the Saviors and Negan. I think they thought I was a little crazy, and maybe they had a good reason to think that. Sometimes I was a little crazy.

One girl in particular was the bane of my existence around town. Her name was Lizzie Pelzer. If you recall the school play fiasco, it's apparent that I've mentioned her before.

She was three years my senior and we'd been on rocky relations for a very long time. She had strawberry blond hair that curled at the ends, green eyes, rosy skin, and full lips. She cooked with her parents in the mess hall and tended the orchard and the goats. She also worked with our , intending to apprentice under him once she graduated school. If Alexandria had royalty she'd probably be the princess.

It was insufferable being anywhere around as her admirers flocked her wherever she went. The boys drooled after her and all the girls wanted to be her; except for me. I had other things going on. And ever since the uh… Christmas play fiasco I was a bit excommunicated from the other children. Plus, they all believed I was a witch so they were a bit afraid of me.

I hated sitting in class while she carried on about whatever. It was worse that she was one of the older students, which put her in a position to boss the others around if the teacher stepped out for a minute.

One time I begged my dad to let me out of school, explaining to him that I could learn much better on my own, but he wouldn't let me.

I was really happy when the Waifs finally started school with me. Granted there was only about two weeks left for us till summer months, but Arron and Eric thought they might at least become acquainted with everyone.

Lizzie was no longer the prettiest girl anymore since Mari was by far much more attractive than her once she'd regained her health. She carried an exotic sort of mysticism with her and for all the pain she endured I felt those aspects made her twice more attractive, because it meant Mari was a survivor. She would endure whatever came her way and she would take care of the people who mattered most to her, no matter what.

Of course, Lizzie tried to get her to join her posse. When Mari first started the class, Lizzie offered her a seat at her table, making Dora move so there was room. I felt a tremendous surge of smugness when Mari sidestepped her and sat close to me instead with Tanti choosing to sit on my other side. Normally, she would sit with the two other first years, but Mrs. Lakely decided not to press the issue, considering everything the sisters had been through.

According to Annie, apparently what the children had done when we first encountered one another, and why they were so close to me now, was something called imprinting. When things got bad, I was going to be the one they called out for. If a decision was too big for them to make on their own, I was the one they turned to for guidance. If they needed to talk about anything I was the one they would vent to.

In other words, I was just their equivalent to a mama bear.

We did everything together. We ate together, sat together, played together during our free time, handled our chores together, worked together and so on. For people who didn't speak the same language all that well, we were as close as you could be.

Author's Notes: Good news! A few more chapters and then we start getting into the good stuff. The thing a few of you have been anticipating is coming up very soon! So hang tight and thank you for all your wonderful support and comments. I know these little side stories seem pointless but I promise they wouldn't be here if they didn't have any importance to them. If you've stuck around for this long I guarantee you are not going to regret it.

A lot of spell work in this chapter. I based Judith's Book of Shadows off of the one from Practical Magic. If you look it up on Google it's a very intricate and beautiful book. Mari and the other Waifs have suffered pretty heavily at the hands of others so a lot of psychological damage has occurred for them which can make their behavior extremely unpredictable at times, thankfully a bit of love and white magic can go a long way with recovery. I'm sure some people probably say, you can't just light some candles and say some words and hope for the best, and maybe you can't, but you never know until you try and there aren't a whole lot of people who rely on magic, so why shouldn't stuff like that work.