A/N: I've got an English class that's really kicking my ass with essays I don't want to write about, so that's why this took me so long to get out! Thank you everyone for sticking with me :) enjoy!
Indiana.
One hundred and seventeen.
That was the number I saw on the scale ten minutes ago, and I'm trying to be at peace with it.
It's been almost a month since my birthday. Almost a month since Malcolm weaseled his way into my dreams to taunt me and stir everything up. Almost a month since I asked Dr. Cullen to his face if my blood smelled bad and he told me I was gradually killing myself. Almost a month since I promised Paul that I would take better care of myself, and I've kept that promise.
I've gained twelve pounds. Twelve pounds in a little under a month. And now I'm only eight pounds away from where Malcolm would have considered me to be "ready."
It's a little unsettling, but not as much as I assumed it would be. The thought of gaining weight used to make my skin crawl, but staring back at my reflection in the mirror – I like the way I look with twelve more pounds.
There's a little more fullness in places it was always missing before.
I wonder if anyone else notices.
Taking a deep breath, I turn on the sink and start to brush my teeth.
It's 6:30 AM on Thanksgiving morning and I've been awake staring at my naked body in the mirror for at least twenty minutes now. I'm supposed to go over to Emily's to help cook, and Josie and Kim are due to pick me up in the next thirty minutes.
Paul is still fast asleep in bed, curled up right where I left him.
He'll never admit it, but I think he stays up most of the night while I sleep.
I comb through my tangled hair and French braid it into two messy pigtails, leaving the ends loose and wavy. I want to at least put some effort into my appearance today. It is a holiday, after all. A holiday that I haven't celebrated in years. My first real family holiday with Paul.
That makes it special.
I put on some makeup but keep it light and natural looking, then rub on some tinted lip balm.
Presentable enough.
Tiptoeing to the dresser, I pull open the drawers and grab a pair of dark jeans and a cream-colored sweater, dressing myself quickly and quietly as to not wake Paul. I'm torn between letting him know that I'm leaving and letting him get the sleep that he definitely needs.
My phone lights up on the dresser with a text from Josie letting me know they're outside. I glance over my shoulder at Paul and decide to leave a note on the pillow. I want him to sleep but don't want him to worry when he wakes up.
I brush my fingertips over his cheek and then sneak quietly downstairs and out the front door.
Josie and Kim are all dolled up and have coffee on hand waiting for me when I climb in the car.
"Your hair looks so cute!" Kim squeals, handing me my drink.
I smile and thank her, carefully sipping the hot liquid as we head to Sam and Emily's.
The driveway is empty when we pull up. In a few hours it'll be overflowing with cars. Last I heard, everyone in the pack was making an effort to be here for lunch, even if they have to dine and dash to make it back to their families' in time for dinner.
I can already feel Emily's overflowing joy before we even open the front door.
The house is warm and decorated for fall with lit candles and leftover wedding decorations – including the wooden slabs repurposed on the kitchen table. The babies are dressed cutely in their little Thanksgiving jammies and Emily smiles warmly at us as we pile into the kitchen.
"Good morning, happy Thanksgiving!" She squeals, hugging each of us with one arm while holding Liam in the other.
Josie hands her a coffee and tickles Liam's belly. "Happy Thanksgiving, Em. I'm actually going to make a liquor run real quick," she announces, straightening up and shifting her keys to the other hand.
My eyebrow cocks. "Isn't everywhere closed today?"
She smirks. "I'm making it at Tiffany's. That woman has an entire room full of special occasion alcohol."
I laugh, because that sounds just like Tiffany, and wave slightly as Josie heads out the back door.
Emily takes a deep breath and then gives Kim and I a sympathetic look. "Do you mind watching the babies so I can take a quick shower?"
"Sure, can I start anything in here for you?" I ask, nodding my head towards the kitchen.
She smiles again. "Well, I'll admit desserts aren't my area of expertise…"
"You can say that again," Kim jokes.
Emily shoots her a playful glare and hands Liam over to her. "I'll be right back," she says before dashing past us and scurrying up the stairs.
I wander from the dining area into the kitchen, stopping briefly to coo at Laci who's sitting contently in her bouncer seat, and start digging out ingredients.
As I run through ideas in my head, Kim brings Liam over, cradling him carefully in her arms, and leans against the counter. "Do you ever get scared thinking about having kids?" she asks, eyes soft as she watches little Liam.
I fidget slightly with a package of brownie mix. "I haven't really thought about it," I mumble, thankful that at least Paul and Josie haven't let it slip that I'm a reproductive dead-end. It wouldn't be the end of the world if they had, but I think people would look at me differently. People always look at you differently when it's something like that.
"It's just," she pauses and bites at her lip before continuing, "how do you go from being responsible for just yourself to being responsible for yourself and an infant?"
My brows pull together a little. "I think your instincts just take over," I tell her, tearing open the package and dumping it into a mixing bowl. "You would just be so in love and so protective of them that you'd never second-guess what you might have to do for them."
At least, that's how it should be.
She smiles and rubs her cheek against Liam's head. "Do you think I'd make a good mom?"
Kim would make a lovely mother. She's not maternal with the pack the way Emily is, but she's really attentive to the babies whenever she holds them.
I nod. "Of course you would."
"Thanks, Indie."
I smile my response and focus in on trying to find a way to spruce up the brownie mix. I knew I should have made something last night.
Fifteen minutes later, Emily comes floating down the stairs in a casual brown dress and yellow ankle boots. She's wearing light makeup and has her hair down with the ends curled.
"I don't remember the last time I saw you with your hair down," Kim jokes, nuzzling Liam some more.
Emily's eyes smile along with her lips as she pulls the oven open to check on the turkey. "Yeah, thank you for watching the babies so I could have a minute to myself," she replies.
"Where's Sam?" I ask.
She shuts the oven and starts pulling out pots and ceramic dishes to cook the sides in. "Early morning patrol."
I guess vampires don't respect holidays.
My phone buzzes in my back pocket and I take it out after wiping my hands off on a kitchen towel.
/
From: Paul
Message: Miss u. Come back to bed
/
I smile and tap my thumbs against the screen.
/
To: Paul
Message: I wish I was in bed with you.
/
From: Paul
Message: Me too ;)
/
Rolling my eyes, I slide my phone back into my pocket and turn around to take Laci from her seat. "What time do you want to have everything ready by?" I ask Emily.
"Early," she replies, pulling a large bag of fresh green beans from the fridge. "Maybe around eleven. We usually meet at the community center around four or five."
Paul said every year the reservation gathers at the community center to celebrate their heritage. After Billy's speech and some traditional dancing, they typically play football on the beach and share legends around a bonfire.
I'm excited to hear more legends of the tribe.
My phone buzzes again.
/
From: Paul
Message: I'm comin over
/
I smile again and put my phone away. He'll just end up napping on the couch, but having him nearby keeps my heart at ease.
He arrives ten minutes later in his sweats and with no shirt on, a backpack clutched in one hand. "Morning, everyone," he says, crossing the kitchen to kiss the corner of my mouth.
"What's in the bag?" Emily asks.
"Clothes for later. Mind if I crash on the couch for a little?"
I smirk to myself and pat a soothing rhythm against Laci's back. Her eyes are getting droopy.
"Of course not," Emily replies with a soft smile.
Paul leans in next to my ear. "Come pat my back like that and put me to sleep," he says huskily.
"Shh, you're gonna keep her up," I scold playfully.
He covers his heart. "Ouch, picking the baby over me."
"Well she smells better," Kim giggles.
Pointing at her and then me, he kisses the side of my head and disappears down the hall to the living room.
Once Laci has fallen asleep and is carefully buckled back into her bouncer seat, Emily and I get to work on the food. Our hands move quickly and we work around each other with ease while Kim keeps Liam occupied.
Josie and Embry show up a little later, both with a bottle in each hand, and Jared is not far behind. He gives Kim a kiss with an excessive amount of tongue and then heads into the living room to bother Paul. I say bother because the second he reaches him, Paul roars from the living room that he's "such a dick."
The house fills quickly after that.
Sam returns and disappears for a shower. Sarah and Malachi show up with the twins and Malachi's brothers in tow. Collin and Brady pop in though they can only stay an hour or two before they have to go. Leah, Jesse, and Seth all pile in as well, followed by Quil and Claire. The five of them, as well as Sam and Emily, are due at Sue's house by three for an early dinner before tonight's festivities.
The Uley's dining room is hardly big enough to host this many people at once, but somehow Emily always finds a way to make it work.
Paul sneaks up behind me as I'm adding the finishing touches on a dish of casserole, sliding his arms around my waist and kissing the side of my neck. He's changed into a dark blue button up and a pair of dark fitted jeans, his hair styled messily and held in place with gel. He's so handsome. My body erupts in goosebumps and I quickly look to see if anyone is paying us any attention.
"What?" Paul mumbles against my skin, smirking.
I let my hands fall to the counter and lean my head back against his strong chest. "Nothing."
"Smells great in here."
"Mhm," I hum.
He kisses my neck again. "I love you."
"I love you more," my breath leaves in a whisper.
At exactly 11:03 AM, we sit down to eat.
To make up for the lack of chairs, they moved the loveseat into the dining room and some of the boys are even sitting on the counters. It's not your traditional vision of a family dinner, but it's perfect.
It's loud and filled with laughter and jokes and relentless teasing, but it's perfect.
They're messy and obnoxious and never stop talking shit to each other, but it's perfect.
Paul holds my hand under the table and squeezes it every few minutes to let me know he's thinking of me, and it's perfect.
And to think, I almost robbed myself of this moment – of these moments – with this loud group of shapeshifting humans. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else in the world other than right here.
"I want to make a toast!" Josie announces once everyone has cleared their plates of whatever-number serving they're on. She hops up and grabs one of the bottles she nicked from Tiffany's – the biggest bottle of champagne I've ever seen.
Embry follows after her and grabs a stack of Solo cups, handing them out to everyone.
"Don't drink until after the toast," Josie scolds as she starts filling cups.
When she reaches Kim, Kim shakes her head and says, "I'll have water."
Confusion crosses Josie's face and her eyebrow arches in an accusing manner. I'm a little perplexed too, because Kim has always been Josie's drinking partner and never turns down the opportunity to get drunk with her.
When nobody says anything, Kim just flashes us an impish smile and raises her eyebrows excitedly, Jared curling his arm around her shoulders and kissing her temple.
"You're pregnant!" Emily suddenly screeches.
Oh.
Our conversation in the kitchen earlier suddenly makes a lot more sense.
Josie almost drops the bottle of champagne. Everyone at the table erupts in laughter and loud congratulating. And the news hits my gut like a fist.
I glance at Paul out of the corner of my eye. He's laughing and reaches over the table to smack Jared's shoulder, but he's a jealous. I can feel it, even if he doesn't realize it yet.
"The two pump hump approach really does work," Embry jeers, wrapping an arm around Jared's neck and furiously rubbing his fist into the top of his head.
Jared growls. "Ha ha," he replies dryly, maneuvering out of Embry's hold and jumping up to wrestle him.
I swallow and force a smile. I am happy for them, and it shouldn't, but it makes my stomach sink.
What's Paul going to tell everyone five years from now when we have no children? Or ten years from now? Is he going to tell them that we just don't want children? No one would ever believe him – not with the way he's constantly fawning over Emily's babies. And everyone knows about his past with his ex-girlfriend and how badly he wanted that baby, so it's only a matter of time before they realize that I'm the problem.
My fingers burn around the cup of champagne.
This is how it's always going to be – like a slap in the face to Paul every time someone around us has a baby.
Josie finally recovers from the initial shock and squeals, "I'm going to be an auntie!" She hugs Kim tightly and fills Jared's cup to the brim, then holds the bottle in the air. "A toast to family and new additions!"
Everyone raises their cups and then we bring them to our lips.
I chug mine.
"Atta girl!" Josie hollers, leaning over the table to refill my cup.
Paul nudges my shoulder with a grin and I try my hardest not to let it show on my face that I know he's green on the inside. I smile back and we toast our cups, and I manage to sip mine this time.
"How far along are you?" Emily asks, taking Jared's seat since he's still wrestling with Embry.
Kim finishes chewing an asparagus spear and lights up with another smile. "Not very far. I just took a test this morning."
My throat feels tight.
Paul's not the only jealous one, I realize. I'm jealous too. Jealous that I'll never know what our babies might have looked like. Jealous that I'll never get to see the look of excitement on his face when I tell him he's going to be a daddy. Jealous that I'll never get to experience pregnancy with him by my side every step of the way.
The two conflicting feelings wage war in my body; happiness and envy. What a dangerous, messy combination.
"Hey, you look like you're gonna explode in a second," Malachi says, kicking my foot under the table.
For Kim's sake, I snap out of it. "Is that a fat joke?" I bark, kicking him back with a smirk.
He puts his thumb and finger on his chin. "Actually—"
"Don't finish that sentence," Sarah warns, elbowing him hard in the side.
It might have bothered me when I was younger, but it doesn't right now. "If anyone is getting fat, it's you," I tell him, shrugging playfully.
Sarah laughs and Malachi shoots me a lighthearted grin before cracking a joke about shapeshifter metabolisms and how the only fat thing around here is his dick. That makes Sarah's face turn bright red and the twins groan before pummeling him to the floor.
"Alright, enough, enough!" Emily shouts, getting everyone back in line and back to their seats. "Help me clean up and don't break any of my dishes!"
Paul scoots his chair back and gathers our plates, kissing the top of my head before taking them to the kitchen sink.
"For you, my dear," Josie smiles as she steals his seat, refilling my cup. She takes a swig off the bottle and sinks into her chair. "My brother's having a kid. Jared is having a kid."
I smile and drink more champagne. "Auntie Josie."
"It does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it?"
I nod and shake my hair out of the collar of my sweater. It's getting really warm in here with all of the high temperatures. "I guess I'm your official new drinking partner," I grin, handing over my cup for a top off.
Josie smirks, dumping more champagne in. "Well, then we're gonna need something stronger than champagne to get this party started."
It's not lost on me that it's barely 12:30 PM and we look like alcoholics drinking this early, but that's what people do on holidays, isn't it? Maybe not. I barely remember my last real Thanksgiving.
"You're cut off until tonight," Embry suddenly appears, dipping his hand down between us and stealing the champagne bottle from Josie.
She scoffs and rolls her eyes. "I'm not even buzzed. Why is it socially acceptable to drink mimosas in the morning, but not just the champagne?" she asks with a laugh.
"Because that makes you an alcoholic," Malachi says, flicking an olive at her.
She picks it up off the table and throws it back at him, and he manages to catch it in his mouth, earning a lot of shoulder-slaps from various boys around the room. Josie sighs and casts me a look. I do sometimes wonder if that's her way of coping with what happened to us.
I smile and grab her hand, giving it a quick squeeze before helping clear the table.
Once the dishes are clean and the table is wiped down and returned to its previous state, everyone splits for the next few hours until it's time to head to the community center. Paul and I join Josie and Embry at his mom's house for another dinner, but Josie and I can barely eat another bite. Paul and Embry make up for it, though.
Tiffany makes us sangrias and by the time we're getting ready to leave around five, I completely regret drinking it.
It's already dark outside as I stumble out onto the front porch for some fresh air while the boys help clean up. Josie falls through the door a minute later.
She takes one look at me and knows something is off. "What's wrong?" she asks, instantly sober.
I make a face. "Nothing," I mumble, looking back out at the street.
"Uh, okay. Liar," she taunts, walking over to stand next to me. "I'm your best friend. You're supposed to tell me everything. We've seen each other naked, so no secrets."
I snort and fold over the railing, letting the blood rush to my head. It wasn't that long ago that we were living under the same roof, constantly walking in on each other in the nude.
"Do you think people will think less of me when they find out I can't have kids?" I ask.
She yanks me back into an upright position and hops up to sit on the railing. "Why would you think that? Embry and I aren't having kids. No one thinks less of us."
"Not yet you aren't," I reply. "But you could."
"Who knows, maybe I can't," she counters. "No one's going to think any differently of you."
"Paul does..."
Josie sighs. "No, he doesn't."
"He was upset when I told him," I argue. "Not like, angry-upset, but kind of bummed out. And when Kim told us—" my breath catches and my eyes start to sting. Drinking was definitely a bad idea. "He's jealous of them."
Her head falls back and I know she's annoyed with me but she still wants to be supportive. "He's not jealous," she mumbles. "You're overthinking it, Indie."
But I'm not. She doesn't know. I know.
The front door swings open and the boys filter out. Josie and I immediately lift our solemn faces and turn around smiling – a silent agreement that the conversation is over and not to be touched on again tonight.
Paul scoops me up in his arms and twirls me around in a hug that makes my head spin.
"You're gonna make me puke," I laugh, hiding my face in his neck as he keeps spinning.
Josie snickers. "Lightweight!"
He finally sets me back on my feet and cups my face, leaning in for a kiss that has me breathless and wanting more. I almost suggest skipping tonight and going home to get him naked, but I know this is a yearly tradition, and I don't want to force him to make that choice.
Hand in hand, we decide to walk to the community center versus driving. It's cold tonight, but not as cold as it has been, surprisingly. Or maybe that's the alcohol and Paul's body temperature.
When we get to the community center, we join the pack members at a long table off to the side of the room. There's a line of tribe members at the front of the room dressed in traditional tribal wear, and Billy black is sitting in front of them with a microphone in his lap, chatting with Old Quil.
Paul pulls me into his lap and wraps his arms around my waist. "You okay?" he asks.
I'm acutely aware of his forearms crossed over my flat stomach. A stomach that will never grow and change with new life. "Yeah," I lie. "Just a little tired. Some of us woke up really early."
He chuckles. "Gonna use that against me, huh? You should've woken me up then."
"But you just looked so cute sleeping there," I tease, leaning in to kiss the tip of his nose.
The room settles down and goes quiet when Billy taps on the microphone. He delivers a beautiful speech about honoring those that have lost their lives and passed on, and cherishing those that we still have with us. Shortly after he finishes, they dim the lighting and the dancers take place in the middle of the room and begin moving to the sound of beating drums. It's enchanting.
When the event is over, the majority of us head to the beach.
The boys get a large fire going and Josie immediately pulls out the bottle of vodka she had stashed in her bag. Thankfully she had a Red Bull in there too, because drinking vodka straight is disgusting.
While the alcohol numbs my throat and makes my head a little fuzzy, it doesn't distract me from the ache in my heart like I hoped it would.
My eyes wander out to Paul, who removed his shirt to be part of the "skins" football team, and watch the way the muscles in his abdomen tighten with every move he makes. His bright smile is warming even from here.
I start wondering what it would be like if we could have that kind of future. He would be the kind partner to get up in the middle of the night with the baby so you could sleep, or get up with you so you're not alone. I picture him passed out on the couch with a baby sprawled across his chest, rising and falling with each of his breaths. I picture him with a toddler on his shoulders, spinning carefully and laughing. I picture him leaning over a desk as he explains how to solve a math problem to a sixth grader.
The more I picture, the more my stomach churns. He wants that. I want that for him. But I can't give it to him.
It makes me nauseas. There's a rock in my stomach and it feels like it's trying to come up through my throat.
"Are you going to puke?" I hear Josie suddenly ask, and the next thing I know the world is spinning and I'm leaning over the other side of the log to throw up.
Josie starts patting my back. "Lightweight," she repeats, chuckling as Paul comes running over.
"Hey," he murmurs, kneeling in the sand next to me and placing his hand on my lower back, rubbing soothing circles. "C'mon, let's get you home."
"Sorry, I'm a terrible influence," Josie admits, capping the vodka.
Embry walks up with Paul's shirt and hands it to him. "Probably that sangria. My mom doesn't mess around."
The word alone makes my stomach lurch again. Paul quickly pulls the ends of my hair back and attempts to tie them together with a hair band from Josie, and now all I can think about is him trying to do our daughter's hair in the morning.
"See you guys later," Paul says, helping me to my feet.
I'm too drunk to even be embarrassed, though I know come tomorrow I won't be able to look anyone in the eye.
We walk back to Tiffany's and borrow a bucket for the drive home. Thankfully I don't end up needing it, but the second we're through the front door I make a beeline for the bathroom. Paul follows, even though I make a weak attempt to push him out, and sits on the floor next to me as I lean over the toilet.
Twenty minutes later, when I'm fairly certain my stomach is totally empty, I cross my arms over the toilet seat and rest my forehead against them. "I wish I wasn't broken," I say quietly, my voice shaky.
Paul chuckles. "It's okay, babe. You just drank too much."
"No, I wish I wasn't broken."
"What do you mean?"
I swallow and take a deep breath. "I know you're jealous of Jared and Kim," I say. "And I know you're trying not to be right now, but you are, and it's okay, I just wish I wasn't broken. I wish that could be us one day."
He rubs my back some more. "I already told you, the only thing I need is you."
"But you want more," my voice cracks. "I do too, so it's okay to admit it."
I can tell he doesn't know what to say. I know I don't make it easy on him. He wants to lie to make me feel better, but he knows I'll know he's lying, so he doesn't. "Hey," he says softly, moving to kiss the back of my shoulder. "If it's that important to us down the road, we can adopt. All I'm worried about and all I want is your happiness and safety."
Somehow, he always knows what to say.
"You're not broken," he continues. "We have a thousand lifetimes behind us and a thousand lifetimes ahead of us with kids. There's nothing wrong with this lifetime being just us."
His words should make me swoon, but all I can think is that I want this lifetime to be more than just us.
"Hang on," he mumbles, getting to his feet and leaving the bathroom.
I can hear him run up the stairs, and when he returns he hands over my toothbrush, already loaded with toothpaste. "Is this your way of telling me I have bad breath?" I joke, standing up on shaky legs.
He smiles gently and I move to the sink, wetting the toothbrush and stuffing it in my mouth.
The minty toothpaste is sobering.
I brush thoroughly and rinse my mouth out with water, setting the brush on the counter as I lean against it. He takes a step towards me and wraps his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into his chest. He's trying to reassure me. I feel bad that it isn't working.
"You know I love you, right?" he asks, kissing the side of my head. "Nothing will ever, or could ever, change that."
I nod slowly and close my eyes, listening to the way his heartbeat echoes through his body. After a few minutes, mine has synced with his completely, reminding me that we are two parts of the same soul.
But am I really all he needs?
A/N: This was originally supposed to be a lighter chapter but I JUST CAN'T GIVE PPL A BREAK IDK WHY. The story goes where the story wants to go. I am simply a vessel.
Thank you so much for reading and for reviewing and sending me messages. I love to hear what you guys think and your future predictions. I just love y'all! xx