Erin stood there, her heart racing, frozen in shock. She was sure that he could hear her heart reverberating against her ribcage by the way he watched her facial reactions. Jay was looking at her, waiting for an answer, a hint of anxiety in his eyes.
She remembers looking into his eyes before she found the will to move her legs again. All she did was turn away from him and walk towards the driver's side of the car, taking a seat. She forcibly slammed the door and drove away, her mind racing. She looked through her rearview mirror to see his reaction, and she saw him standing up, looking at what she presumed was the ring, with his shoulders sagging. The words they spoke to each other echoed in her head.
"Jay, I don't know what to say," she had said, shoving her hands into her pockets to hide the fact that they were shaking.
"Say yes, Erin. Let me love you forever," he begged.
"I can't say yes. It isn't the right time. You're only doing this in an attempt to keep me here. I do want to marry you, just not right now. We need some time to sort everything out." Her voice shook as she spoke, but she held the tears in her eyes, not wanting to lose control.
"So you're saying no?" he asked, his voice breaking.
"I'm not saying 'no'. I'm just saying 'not yet'." He nodded his head slowly in understanding as he stood up.
Erin hesitated for a moment before climbing into her car and shutting the door. She waved a quick goodbye to Jay before driving off. Turning the corner, she took one last glance in the rearview mirror. Her heart ached as she saw Jay standing there, looking completely beaten down. It was as if she could see the look on his face, as if it had been etched into her memory. Her brows were probably furrowing and his eyes were probably turning to more of a grey colour. His breaths would be heavy and evident from the way his shoulders would move heavily up and down with his body. But most importantly, she can see his heart breaking. She can see the look of disappointment on his face, and that's what broke her.
As she drove, her phone dinged with a text message from him.
Let me know when you get to New York. Please stay safe.
It took all of Erin's strength to not turn her car around and run right back into Jay's arms. She had just turned him down for what would've been one of the biggest moments of their lives yet he still cared about her wellbeing. By the time the airport came into view, tears were streaming down her face. The reality of leaving behind everything she'd ever known finally hitting her. Parking her car, she looked down at Jay's text message, trying to decide how to respond.
I will.
She pressed send, knowing that it was the best response she could give without pouring all of her emotions into it. Her phone rang a few moments later. She looked down, expecting it to be Jay, but was surprised to see Voight's name instead.
"Hey, Hank," she said.
"Hey, kid. When's your flight?" he asked.
"It boards in... 20 minutes. Shit."
"I guess you're driving to New York then," he joked.
"That's okay. I could use the time to think," she said, wiping her eyes but forcing a small chuckle from her lips.
"How are you holding up?" he asked, a touch of concern in his voice.
"I'm fine, Hank," she replied, unsure if she was trying to convince her foster dad or herself.
"You call me if you need anything," his grave voice taking on a serious note.
"I will. Thank you."
They said their goodbyes and Erin ended the call. She sat in the parking lot for a little while longer, collecting herself. When she got out of the car, the Chicago wind whipped at her face. She quickly extracted her suitcase from her car, lightly jogging towards the airport terminal.
She got lost. Twice. Why was O'Hare so large? She thought about how she wouldn't have been lost if Jay had been there. He would've made her go to the airport hours before she was scheduled to board. The thought of him made the tears reappear in her eyes, but she quickly brushed them away before continuing towards her terminal.
She quickly ran to her gate when it came into view and smiled sheepishly at the woman taking her ticket.
"I'm sorry Ms. Lindsay, the door has been shut and the plane is getting ready for takeoff. You'll have to take the next one."
Erin's eyes widened in panic and anger as she stared at the woman in front of her. She took a deep breath before responding.
"I am on my way to a very important job. I need to be on this flight," Erin said firmly.
The gate agent just looked at Erin with her fake, customer-pleasing smile.
"I'm sorry, but once the door is closed we can't open it again until the aircraft has arrived at its destination. I can search for the next flight to New York for you."
It took all of Erin Lindsay's self control to not slap the woman's smile off her face. Her life seemed to be a constant cycle of existential crisis and dead ends wherever she turned. She returned her own facade-laced smile, before forcibly grabbing her suitcase and walking away.
She stopped at a bench, flopping herself down on it before burying her head in her hands. She was on the brink of a panic attack but she didn't want to show it in such a public place, somewhere where she was so vulnerable. Her breathing was heavy and her heart was the only thing she could hear. She lost track of how long she sat there, before she got up and walked out of the airport.
Her hands gripped the steering wheel tight, making the colour from her knuckles fade to white. She sat for a while, wanting to scream before she felt her turning the key in the ignition, and driving the familiar road to her home.
Maybe it was a sign that she missed her flight. A sign to stay in Chicago. But what did Chicago even have for her? She was suspended from her job, the man she loved had left her weeks ago only to come back and spring the question on her that made her heart stop, even the man she deemed to be her father sincerely wanted her to go to New York. Chicago served her no more purposes.
Instead of going home, she took a detour. She went to a bar a couple blocks away from her apartment. Maybe all she needed was a drink or two to get her mind to make a decision.
Her 'drink or two' turned to downing shots all night. She was so drunk that she couldn't even remember her own address, so instead she was taken to a nearby hotel by a taxi. She spent the night in a small room, consisting of a bed, a couch and a TV. The only thing on her mind all night had been the blue eyed man she loved so much.
/
He spent the night in her apartment. It was the only place he ever considered home. But it wasn't the four walls that gave him his solace. It was the smells of her and all of her things. It was the many conversations they had with each other and it was how he never felt unwanted whenever they would make love. It was when he would walk through the door, that he would be greeted with hazel eyes and dimpled cheeks, attributes he prayed that his children would inherit some day, even if she insisted that they have his eyes.
He slept heavily. The most he had slept in weeks. Maybe it was the aroma of her, giving him the illusion that she was next to him. But she wasn't. He couldn't wrap his arm around her waist to bring her closer to him. He couldn't bury his face in her neck, smelling her faint smells as it led him into eternal bliss. He couldn't help but think he may have fucked it all up. Because he never got a text from her when she got to New York. Maybe he had finally scared her away.
He showered and got dressed just like he did when he lived with her. It all felt too familiar to him. His movements were habits, and he knew exactly where to locate everything. He was out the door early, itching to get to work so he could have something to distract himself with.
He stopped once to pick up some coffee at one of Erin's favourite coffee houses before he slowly made his way into the precinct. He managed to avoid Platt's sarcasm as he quickly made his way to the palm scanner, letting himself in.
He noticed the bullpen was empty, except for Voight in his office. The door was closed and when his eyes wandered, his footsteps faltered. He thought he was paralyzed, his sense of touch leaving his body. He was surely not mistaken, because when the two people shifted in the office, he got a clear look.
Erin Lindsay was still in Chicago.
/
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