TW: Blood
It all went downhill after that night.
Jay awoke from a restless sleep later that night. When he turned his head towards the clock, it was nearing 1:30am. They went to bed at midnight, so he couldn't say that he slept much at all. He was still having nightmares; his talks at support group were seeming to trigger them. It hadn't been that bad tonight; it appeared that he hadn't been sleepwalking, and thankfully, he wasn't getting aggressive.
When he looked over to Erin, however, she was deep in oblivion. The covers were pulled up to her chin and she way lying on her side facing him. She looked so serene - so innocent.
Jay quietly got out of bed, careful to not disturb Erin, before he made his way towards the ensuite bathroom. His head was spinning and he felt like he was going to throw up. When he turned on the light and locked the door behind him, he took in his complexion in the mirror.
His skin was pale and his bloodshot eyes were a stark contrast to the dark lines under his eyes. His hair was disheveled from his pillow and when he looked down at his hands and feet, he was not prepared.
His usually freckled arms and supposed to be bare feet were covered in blood. It was warm and sticky and it dripped off of his hands as he looked down at his limbs. When he looked back into the mirror, he was dressed in his fatigues; his last name was stapled across the right side of his chest, and he was wearing an army green helmet with a microphone on the side. He was wearing safety glasses that were obstructed slightly with some debris and his face was dirty.
He spotted the shower behind him in the mirror and quickly shed of the clothes from his past, unaware that he was actually removing his civilian clothes. He bent down to remove his soiled boots, but when the illusion of the blood splatter remained, his heart began to race even faster. He couldn't pull the boots off his feet so he turned on the water to the shower, not checking the temperature before walking in. The burning hot water brought a redness to his skin where it hit but all Jay could focus on was the blood that didn't seem to come off his skin.
He grabbed the bottle of body wash he left behind and poured a liberal amount across his arms. He began to vigorously scrub it over his forearms and hands, making sure that he didn't miss a single spot.
When he let the hot water spray away the suds, he noticed that his hands and arms were still covered in the bright red, sticky substance. Looking down at his legs, he noticed that they too were not getting cleaned off.
Sometime during his panic, tears began to fall out of his eyes. They mixed with the water that came pouring down from the showerhead and his hair, but with the redness in his face, it was obvious that he was crying. He grabbed the bottle of body wash from it's rightful place again before squeezing it out in large dollops over his skin. There were still some residual suds on his hands and the bottle slipped out of his hand. It made a large banging noise on the shower floor, startling him. He looked around the bathroom in panic, completely unarmed, for the source of the gunshots. When he deemed he was safe, he scrubbed his legs and feet before returning back to his arms.
Erin awoke to a loud noise coming from the ensuite bathroom. When she felt the absence of Jay's warm body, she turned her head towards the door, where she could see the light diffracting under it. She quickly got up, confused as to why the shower was running, and padded her way to the bathroom. When she tried the handle, she was surprised that it was locked. She knocked gently and softly called out to him. When she heard his laboured breathing, her heart dropped into her stomach. She ran across the room to grab a bobby pin that she left on her bedside table the night before. She was skilled enough to basically pick any lock, having done it so many times when Bunny was close to an overdose.
She sighed in relief when she felt the lock push open and the handle turn. She wasn't ready to see the scene inside.
Steam coated the mirror and Jay's clothes lay haphazardly on the floor, something he had a major pet peeve about. When she looked over to the shower, she was sure she was going to vomit out of fear and nerves. Erin could hear his desperate cries as she watched him scrub his skin so hard that it was red in some places. She knew he was close to drawing blood by the way his nails scratched at his skin.
Erin cautiously approached, not sure if she should be breaking him out his trance. He seemed to be aware of his surroundings though, because the second she stepped closer to him, his head snapped towards her.
That's what broke Erin the most.
His face was pink and his eyes were bloodshot. His eyes regarded her in fear and although she could see that the water was more than warm with the steam emanating off of it, he was shivering. His skin shined in some places and he was still covered in his body wash.
Erin took another step towards him, but stopped when she saw him trying to step away. His back was met with the cold tile of the shower and Erin saw him suck in a breath when he realized he was trapped.
"Jay… It's just me. It's Erin. Remember?" She watched his eyes do a once over of her, checking over if she had any kind of weapon on her. His eyes would stop occasionally; once on both sides of her hips and they seemed to linger around her abdomen. Erin knew he was searching for a gun and a bomb, respectively; it was something he was trained to look for. His hands were balled into fists and Erin knew his nails were digging into the palms of his hands and likely causing him some pain. "You're okay." She reminded softly.
It was subtle, but Erin had learned to watch Jay and memorize his body language. His shoulders slumped ever so slightly, and she knew he regarded her as safe. She took another small step towards him, staying in his view, and relaxed a bit when she noticed that he didn't do anything.
Erin opened the shower door slowly, never taking her eyes off of him, and turned off the water. She wasn't sure whether or not she should step in and touch him, but she couldn't help herself; he looked so broken.
Tears were still freely falling from his eyes and he sniffled occasionally. She stepped into the shower, her bare feet getting wet from the residual water puddles that remained. She slowly lifted her hand towards his face and cupped his left cheek. He flinched, but Erin didn't draw her hand back. She used the pad of her thumb to wipe his cheek dry before she balanced on the tips of her toes to place a kiss on his lips. She knew he asked to wait until he was fully better; to wait until he saw Dr. Charles, but at this moment, she didn't care. He pulled away from the kiss, falling into Erin's embrace. He was still crying and his grip on Erin's shirt was tight. His wet body soaked the fabric of her clothing but all she cared about was supporting him.
They held each other until Erin felt him shiver against her. His body had erupted into goosebumps so Erin turned to grab his towel on the towel rack. When she turned around to dry the remaining water droplets off of him, he stepped a small step away.
"Erin… there's still blood on my hands. I need to clean it off." His voice was raw and he was shaking his head as he looked at his hands.
"Jay, you're okay. Do you know where we are right now?" She placed a comforting hand on his chest and squeezed his pec; something she found herself to do when either of them were hurting.
"Afghanistan. There's blood on my hands and legs from trying to get Hollingsworth out. He didn't make it, Erin. He was bleeding. He died under my hands, Erin. It's my fault. I need to wash his blood off my hands."
"Jay." She stepped closer to him and wrapped the towel around his waist. "You're not in Afghanistan. You're at home remember? You're with me." He took some shuddering breaths and closed his eyes. A few tears soaked out of his eyes as he squeezed them shut tightly. "You're okay, Jay. Let's go back to bed." Erin stepped out of the shower and dried her feet on the bathmat. She looked behind her to see if Jay was following and smiled slightly when he grabbed onto her hand. She led them to their bed, tucked him in under the covers and removing the towel from around his waist. She placed a kiss on his forehead before turning and walking around to her side of the bed.
When she settled herself, she felt him shift and melt into her embrace. She left the light on to her bedside table in case Jay needed it in the night to see his surroundings. Erin knew that she wouldn't be falling asleep again soon. She would just hold him and comb her fingers in his hair, keeping him in a restful sleep, hopefully dreamless.
Erin just found out why Jay wanted to leave; why he left her alone when she said she could handle it. He knew it would be difficult for her because he'd already gone through it; and now, she wasn't so sure about how she would. Or more importantly, if she could.
This was only the beginning.
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