Azriel

Elain had left so quickly he could hardly even reach a hand out to brush her arm before she fled back to the house. He had been dumbstruck and had to bite back a curse that played on his lips. He had ruined it, of course, in the way that he always did. There had been such a longing in her gaze and thundering in her heart that it had flayed him open, his heart feeling like it had been cut open with a hot knife.

Azriel had pulled back out of her grasp in shock and had paid the consequences. A hurt look crossed Elain's face but had quickly been swallowed and replaced with a fake smile that was so easy for him to see through. He had been momentarily shocked by his own effect on her and hadn't even the time or thought to form the words to get her to stay.

Earlier he had easily melted into her embrace as she rested a hand delicately on his cheek, holding him like he was a flower in her garden. And Azriel couldn't stand to see his own lust and longing reflected in Elain's eyes. He couldn't handle the emotions that flooded him, unlike anything he had felt in his hundreds of years.

Go to her his shadows whispered, swirling around his neck and tickling his ears as they spoke to him. She craves your presence and we crave hers.

His mind was a war zone, his heart pulling him in her direction while his feet were rooted in place. He could do this, he was a ruthless tool of war. Azriel was sure he could survive a thousand years on the battlefield, but the battlefield in his mind and heart could be the one to kill him. Elain was everything good and Azriel had stopped expecting anything good in his life a long time ago.

Your heart beats for her, master. The shadows compel you.

The garden loomed around him, cast in rich blues and purples under the brilliant night sky. This was his place, his solace, but it started to close in on him. Elain wasn't with him and it suddenly didn't seem right anymore. The place he escaped to for solitude suddenly felt too lonely. She had warmed the air, his soul, his heart, and he had let her run off without explaining himself.

Azriel knew if he didn't find her tonight things would carry on as they always did. Elain had that way with her, never one to bear grudges or to hold hard feelings too close to her heart. But Azriel didn't want to pretend like tonight didn't happen. He wanted to explain, to fight, to beg, to do whatever he could to get her to look at him like that again.

The wind shifted around him, rustling his wings before he pulled them in tighter and drew a deep breath. Azriel steeled himself for the task ahead, his stomach in knots and shambles unlike he had ever felt before. It was just Elain, sweet caring Elain. He had faced demons of all shapes and sizes, he could do this.

The arching entryway to the manor loomed in front of him, his feet making only the softest sounds as the world was silent around him.

The High Lady waits just ahead in the hallway, she wishes to speak with you.

"Feyre," Azriel spoke, bobbing his head in her direction before she had a chance to emerge.

"Az," She responded, a small coy smile playing on her lips. "When I saw a certain sister fleeing the gardens this late at night I had a haunting suspicion you wouldn't be far behind."

Azriel let a scoff escape his lips, knowing she wouldn't admonish him for it. Azriel knew he was lucky to have a High Lord and High Lady who acted as a family to him, there was great freedom in being able to speak your mind within your own court. And they were a family, in every way that mattered.

Feyre's expression softened as she moved closer to him, placing a warm hand on his upper arm. He felt a familiar tap on his shields and he nodded towards her before lowering them. Feyre knew him, understood him enough to know that sometimes he couldn't bear to hear some things out loud.

Azriel, you are strong and caring and worthy. You must not get in the way of your own happiness, you deserve this. Let your heart lead you, you are a kind soul whose love for others knows no bounds.

Azriel nodded, his eyes still on Feyre as she looked upon him with such love and faith. She speaks the truth, his shadows whistled as they looped around him. He had already decided that he would find Elain, would explain himself and get her to listen. But to hear his friend, his family, speak of him, to him, so lovingly and without restraint,

Azriel knew he could do this. Felt it deep in his marrow, he would make it right. He wouldn't lose Elain, never. He couldn't lose her, not as a friend, and maybe he could even gain pieces of her. Could he let love consume him? Never in his life had he loved freely and without restraint, but he could do this. He would do this. For no one, if not for her.

His Elain.

But she wasn't his. She wasn't anyone's but- Lucien. The word echoed through his mind and trembled through his body, leaving an ice cold feeling in his veins.

A deep frown rested on Feyre's lips and Azriel realized he had spoken Lucien's name out loud. She shook her head, eyes still locked with his, "Azriel, no. It is her worry, not yours. And she does not appear worried about Lucien, only, it seems, about you."

He nodded, unable to stop the dread that seemed to pool in his gut.

"She deserves a choice, Azriel." Feyre added, "And if you can give her nothing else, you can give her that."

Could Elain love him, all of him? Could she accept every broken and ugly piece of him and still love him? Azriel didn't know, couldn't know. And he never would know, not if he didn't give it a chance if he didn't try. Azriel had always stopped himself from really taking a chance with Mor, happy with the friendship she had given him all those years and afraid of the inevitable rejection that would follow. He couldn't lose his friendship with her, it would have been painful and devastating. But with Elain he was already feeling that devastation, it wracked through him every time he pushed away his feelings. It beat in his core like it never had with Mor. And he knew it would hurt, terribly, if she rejected him if she didn't want this. If she didn't want him. But he knew, he knew, that it would hurt more to not try, to live his life wondering what could have been. Azriel would wonder what would have been, should he not do this.

Soft footsteps alerted him to Feyre's departure and he watched her retreating figure before she turned a corner and disappeared from view.

She was right, he needed to give Elain a choice, he owed her that. She had to know, he had to tell her, to give them both the chance of discovering what they meant to each other, what this could mean for them.

Azriel clenched his fists at his side and pulled nervously at his sleeves before taking a deep breath and striding towards the hallway that held Elain's chambers. His fists clenched and unclenched as he tried to fight the panic that settled deep in his gut. He was going to do this, he was.

Before Azriel even had time to get a grasp on himself, he was in front of her doorway. One of his scarred hands hovered in front of the wide double doors that led to her room. He felt a tug pulling him towards it, towards her and he wondered if she felt it too.

His fist balled up and before Azriel could thrust it towards the wooden door, it swung open by itself. Elain stood in front of him, eyes wide as she took him in.

"I thought you were there." She whispered, the words just barely escaping her mouth. So she did feel it, she knew he was there. Azriel gulped, unable to form the words that wrestled to break free. She was so beautiful, the light casting a warm glow on her soft features. Elain didn't look mad or upset, and he wondered if she even could. He found her incapable of malice, but would she forgive him so quickly?

Elain stepped to the side and motioned for him to enter her room, her understanding eyes piercing him, seeing all the things he couldn't say. Or at least he hoped. But hope wouldn't cut it, he needed to know, needed her to know. He had to say the words, had to tell her what she meant.

She closed the door behind him as he took in the room around him. It was so very her. There were flowers and ferns and cactuses littering every countertop and lining the walls. Her balcony doors stood wide open, letting a slight breeze flutter through the room. Candles flickered throughout the space, leaving it in an orange glow.

"Elain, I-" Azriel started, turning towards her. Elain fidgeted in front of him, her hands crossing in front of her body as her shoulders seemed to curve inwards. He hated seeing her like this, he had done this. She looked sad and uncomfortable and it was all his fault. The lump in his throat seemed to multiply and Azriel could choke on the guilt that filled him from head to toe. He couldn't tell if she was upset because he had pushed her away or if she felt uncomfortable in his presence now that he had made his feelings for her so abundantly clear. His mind screamed at him that it was the latter but his heart burst at the idea that she wanted this, wanted him.

"I'm sorry, I just-"

Elain cut him off as he struggled for words, "No Azriel, I'm sorry. I crossed a line-"

"No, Elain." He was a skilled interrogator, had spent most of his life compelling people to talk, to trust him or to fear him. And now, here, with her, he could hardly form the words that rattled through his mind. "You didn't. It was me, I-"

Azriel swallowed harshly, trying to push down the lump that had formed in his throat and had halted all the words that fought to get out. Her deep brown eyes stared up at him, a small smile on her lips as she let him fumble for the words.

Azriel took her hands in his, his rough, scarred flesh caressing her delicate hands. Small calluses had started forming on her hands, multiplying as she spent more and more time tending to her garden. Azriel looked deep into her eyes, trying to convey the feelings that words could not. Her hands shook in his as he glanced down at them and grasped her a little tighter. Azriel pulled Elain's hands up to his cheeks and guided them to cup his face. Her calluses scraped across the light stubble that speckled his cheeks and jaw and a shock of electricity shot through his body, leaving a humming sensation deep in his stomach. Elain's thumbs stroked his cheeks, eliciting a sigh from his mouth. His eyes snapped shut and he let himself melt into her embrace. A small gasp escaped her lips and Azriel's eyes shot back open. She was looking at him like no one had looked at him before, her mouth was slightly open and her eyes were lined with silver.

"Elain" He whispered, her name tasting sweet on his tongue. It danced through his mind like a question, a prayer. "Elain" Azriel repeated, unable to stop his eyes from flitting down to her lips.

Elain's tongue darted out of her mouth and wet her lips, causing him to look up and lock eyes with her. She was so beautiful, and she was here standing with him with that loving look in her eyes.

Azriel wanted to capture this moment forever, to cement it in his brain so it would never leave. Whatever happened next, wherever their paths would take them, he would never forget how she looked in this moment. Azriel would never forget how he felt in this moment and, gods, did he want to kiss her.

"Sweet Elain," He said, unsure what he could say to convey to her what he was feeling right now, right here at this moment. "You make me feel alive."

Azriel saw a shadow dart from his shoulder to her ear and his brows drew in confusion. A soft gasp escaped her mouth and he could have sworn his shadows had spoken to her. But they didn't, they couldn't. They had never whispered to another soul but his own, not in his hundreds of years.

Elain pulled her hands from his cheeks and his stomach instantly dropped and twisted in anguish. His own hands dropped to his side from where they had been resting on hers and he fought the urge to cross them behind his back and hide them from her. But he wouldn't, not from her, never from her.

A small smile tugged at her lips as she reached down and grabbed them in her own, pulling one scarred hand to her cheek and the other to rest on top of her quick beating heart. His own heart raced in his chest and his breathing became shallow, this moment, this feeling was something he would chase after for the rest of his life.

And when Azriel thought his heart couldn't pound any harder, Elain wrapped a hand around his neck and pulled him towards her until their lips met.

Azriel's eyes fluttered shut as Elain kissed him, claiming his entire soul with her lips.