A/N: Here's a wonderfully long chapter for you all to make up for missing Wednesday. Happy weekend!
Henry pouted as his mother fussed over his hair, brushing it repeatedly to try and coax all strands to lie where they were supposed to. It wasn't working. A haircut was needed, Regina decided as she eventually gave up and instead started fiddling with the collar of his polo shirt, the smartest item of clothing she had packed in her hurried exit from the family home, four days earlier.
"Mom, stop it," Henry sighed as Regina began to use her fingers to tame some unruly hair once more, the comb now stored in her handbag.
"Sorry," Regina offered without stopping her fruitless attempt.
"Why does a school even care if I have good hair anyway?" Henry asked. "I'm a good reader and I know my two and five and ten times tables all the way up to one thousand. Schools don't teach you about hair. They teach you about math and reading."
"We just want to make a good impression," Regina replied, now turning her attention to her own appearance and reviewing her makeup in the small compact mirror she had pulled from her purse.
Bored immediately at his mother's activity, Henry slid himself off the chair in the reception of the shelter and wandered over to the desk where Mulan was sitting. Regina watched out of the corner of her eye as the two of them struck up a conversation, the counsellor asking the boy where he was going and then what his favourite subject at school was. She smiled, knowing Henry had been bored all day given that his only friend at the shelter was in school. Hopefully, Henry would be joining Roland tomorrow if their meeting today went well.
With a final review of her makeup, Regina snapped the mirror shut and put it back in her handbag, turning her focus now to the door through which she assumed Emma would appear. A message had reached her via Ursula just after she left her meeting with Belle, saying that Emma would come to the shelter to accompany Regina and Henry to the school at twelve thirty. It was twelve twenty-eight. From what Regina could remember, Emma was fastidiously punctual.
As she waited, the murmur of Henry and Mulan just background noise, her nerves began to rise again. She had barely seen Emma since their day in the park. The one time she had caught sight of the blonde in the corridors, she had been accompanying the new resident, fresh stitches stark against pale skin. Regina had averted her eyes and ushered a staring Henry into their room.
Yet now it was going to be just the three of them again, unresolved tensions rippling through the air. Even after her brief meeting with Belle that morning, Regina knew she was going to struggle spending time with her counsellor. Perhaps it would be better if she were to be assigned another primary contact, Regina mused. But as soon as the thought entered her head, she pushed it away. No, it couldn't be anyone else. She didn't want anyone else in this centre, not even Ruby whom she had taken an instant liking to, involved closely in whatever was to come next for her. It had to be Emma.
Something, whether she called it fate or destiny or anything else, had caused this reunion. Painful and confusing and emotional as it was, it was necessary. She needed to do this, she needed to resolve whatever it was which she felt for Emma. And, Regina suspected, the blonde had some underlying, unaddressed emotional challenges in her future too.
Before she could speculate any deeper, however, the front door to the shelter opened and Emma stepped inside. Regina swallowed at the sight of the familiar red leather jacket. Did the blonde really have to wear that? Did she know what it did to Regina to see her in that piece again? Perhaps Emma hadn't known the identity of the mystery person who had gifted her the replacement for years but she knew now. Was she wearing it deliberately? Did it mean something?
"Hey," Emma smiled as she caught sight of the woman she had come to meet. Regina blinked several times to try and force her churning mind to focus. "How are you?"
Before Regina could reply, Henry shouted out his own greeting and raced over to the blonde, pulling out a small plastic toy from his pocket and holding it out to the woman who crouched down to meet him. "Mom bought me this when she went to get us groceries. Isn't it cool!"
"Very cool," Emma nodded, admiring the cheap toy dinosaur which Henry waved before her. "Are you ready to take a look at your new school?"
Henry nodded. "Mom brushed my hair," he said, pudgy fingers threading their way through the strands and completely destroying any semblance of order Regina had tried to create.
"You look very smart," Emma declared, straightening her legs. "Mulan, all ok here?"
"Yes boss," the woman grinned. "Nothing to report. Belle left a note for you on your desk about Yasmin but she said it wasn't urgent. See you at eight."
Emma nodded and turned to the door, opening it and holding it ajar for Regina who had got to her feet and crossed over to reach the woman and her son. "Thank you," Regina replied as she took Henry's hand and stepped through the door onto the sunny New York street.
The door closed behind them and Emma fell into step beside Regina. "So, you went out?"
"Just to the bodega. I wanted to get some food in for us. I feel bad eating everything the shelter provides."
"Don't feel bad, that's what it's there for."
"Yeah well, I've got money. We're not a charity case so we can pay for our own food."
Emma looked sideways at Regina. "Not having money doesn't make the women at Swan's charity cases. The food is part of the service we offer and you, your son and anyone else who is there is more than welcome to use that food to feed themselves and their family. We understand that some people will be able to find employment quicker than others and some of our women do come from financial means but these are not conditions who define your status or your value. We're all humans and we all need and deserve to eat good, healthy food."
The tips of Regina's ears pinked. "Sorry," she muttered. "I didn't mean to offend anyone. I just like to pay for my own stuff."
"Everyone does," Emma said, her tone a little softer. "But it's important we recognise that there are times in all of our lives where that isn't always possible. And that's ok."
"Yeah, I know," Regina sighed.
They walked on almost a block in silence. Henry was not listening to their conversation and had instead become fixated on the sidewalk, making sure his feet didn't touch any cracks or lines in the paving. His leaps and uneven steps sometimes tugged Regina's arm but at least he was quiet and not asking any difficult questions about his father for once.
"The school's up here," Emma said, guiding the group around a corner and up a gentle incline. "It's just a casual meeting with the head. Nothing to worry about. She's an old friend and I'm sure they'll be able to offer a place for Henry to start straight away."
"Does Roland go to this school too?" Henry asked, tuning back in at the sound of his name.
"He sure does," Emma nodded. "Maybe you'll even be in the same class but if not, you'll definitely get to play together at recess."
"And if he doesn't get in here, are there other schools nearby?" Regina asked, nerves suddenly rising inside her at the prospect.
"He'll get in," Emma said nonchalantly.
Less than an hour later, Emma was proven right and the trio emerged from the school onto the playground after a very successful meeting with the head teacher. Henry seemed nonplussed at what had happened but Regina let out a cautious sigh of relief as soon as they were out of earshot of the office. After asking his mother's permission, Henry raced off towards the swing set which they had bypassed on the way into the meeting. Following more slowly behind, Regina turned to her companion.
"Thank you."
"I didn't do anything. Henry was charming and you made a great impression on Ingrid too. My presence was irrelevant."
"Not to me."
Emma stopped walking, toes of her boots lined up perfectly with the edge of the red asphalt which marked the start of the playground. Regina stopped too and they watched Henry thrust his legs backwards and forwards, steadily encouraging the swing to soar higher and higher.
"You're welcome," Emma said eventually. "I was just doing my job."
Regina didn't reply. She didn't doubt that Emma would accompany mothers to school interviews in her role as their primary contact. But there had been something in the way Belle had reacted to the revelation that Emma was coming in on her day off, and a comment Ursula had said, "she must really be invested in Henry," when she passed her the note that made Regina think perhaps Emma had gone above and beyond. She didn't dare speculate as to why.
"Well, thank you," Regina said after a long pause. "We both really appreciate it. Henry, too high," she added, realising the effectiveness of her son's wriggling legs.
The duo stood and watched Henry for another five minutes until Regina declared it was time to go back to the shelter, although for the sake of her son she referred to it as 'home'. Yet it didn't feel like home for either of them. Henry slowed down, dragging the soles of his feet along the floor until the swing was low enough for him to jump off and run to his mother. "I'm gonna play on the swings all day tomorrow," he declared as he took Regina's hand and they exited the school grounds.
"Well, maybe but remember that there'll be lots of other children here and it's important to share and play nicely with everyone. If someone else wants to have a go on the swing, you should let them."
Henry huffed but nodded. "Can our new house have a swing? From a tree, like the one at Billy's house up in Maine?" he asked, eyes lighting up with excitement.
"Maybe," Regina replied, not willing to make any promises about their future just yet. She had no idea what sort of job she may be able to get, let alone the style and size of property she may be able to afford. She highly doubted it would be a house with a back yard and a tree large enough to accommodate a swing.
As soon as they arrived back at the shelter, Henry asked Regina to open up the back area for him (he was too short to reach the code pad) and raced off down the corridor, promising that he'd go straight to their room to use the iPad. Regina hovered in the doorway as Emma spoke with Mulan. The counsellor had called their boss over as soon as they entered and now Regina didn't know what to do. Emma was clearly working but Regina didn't want to just leave without saying goodbye. So she waited awkwardly, noting as she did so that she had half an hour before her appointment with Belle.
After a few minutes, Emma glanced up from a file Mulan was showing her and realised Regina was still there. "Give me a second," she muttered to her employee before making her way over to the brunette whose face had pinked. "Are you all good? Do you need anything?"
"Um, no, I just wanted to say goodbye," Regina replied.
"Oh, right. Yeah, goodbye. I'm on shift tonight so I may see you later," Emma smiled.
"Ok, good," Regina said. "Thank you, for today."
"You're welcome," Emma assured. "What have you got planned for the rest of the day?"
Something inside Regina instructed her not to divulge her meeting with Belle. Not yet. "Nothing," she lied. "I'll probably do some reading with Henry. Maybe do some laundry. And then cook us some dinner. Henry has requested my famous lasagne so I bought ingredients this morning. I wasn't too impressed by their veg selection at the bodega but I hope I'll be able to recreate my mother's original recipe without too much trouble."
"Sounds delicious."
This time, something else inside Regina forced her to speak. Something beyond her control which managed to bypass her internal filtering system. "Would you like to join us?"
Regina had never believed in that image of an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other but in that moment, she wondered whether she was being governed by two subconscious forces, each with their own, uncontrollable agenda.
"Join you?" Emma repeated, her brain focused not on angels and devils but on how the impromptu dinner invitation might affect her schedule. Monday nights were when Ruby cooked for them. It was her flatmate's day off and she liked to cook a large dinner before Emma went to work and then portion up leftovers for the week. Could Emma miss that? What would Ruby think if she were to bail on their tradition?
"Sorry, stupid offer. Don't worry about it," Regina muttered, hastily backpedalling when Emma's answer wasn't immediately affirmative. "Of course you don't want to come."
"No, it's not that," Emma assured. "I'd like to join but I've already got plans with Ruby tonight and I don't know if I can cancel."
"Oh, that's fine," Regina replied. "Don't cancel anything for me."
"It's nothing special," Emma said. "Just routine. I'll talk to Ruby, see what she thinks. If she doesn't mind, I could maybe join later but it won't be until after eight. And I'll be on duty."
"I mean, if you want to," Regina stuttered, "and I can wait and eat with you later after Henry's gone to bed."
"I don't want you to be hungry," Emma said. And I'll be hungry, she added to herself. For Emma, dinner time was usually at six and never later than seven. If she were to wait until eight, she was going to have to have a snack. Emma didn't like snacks. They were confusing and messed up her meal routine.
"I don't mind waiting," Regina said. "So, maybe see you at eight?" She failed to keep the note of hope out of her voice.
Emma hesitated for a moment before making a decision. "Yes, ok. I'll see you at eight."
Hardly daring to believe that the blonde had just agreed to spend time with her beyond her capacity as her counsellor, Regina froze before smiling and saying goodbye, disappearing into the back of the shelter and leaving Emma to finish up with her staff.
As soon as Belle opened the door to her office later that afternoon, Regina was on her feet, all but pushing the psychologist out of the way in her desperation to get into the room. "Are you ok?" Belle asked as she watched the woman take the seat she had been in six hours earlier.
"I asked Emma to dinner."
Belle shut the door and made her way back to her own chair. "Dinner? As in a date?"
"No. I don't think so. I mean, it's just lasagne. Here. That's not a date. Plus, Emma must still hate me."
"Emma doesn't hate you," Belle soothed. "And I'm assuming she agreed to your offer to have some lasagne here today with you and Henry?"
"Yes," Regina nodded. "But I Henry will be in bed. It'll just be us. It's feeling very date-like. When I first asked it was just impulsive but now I'm thinking about it and I'm freaking out about what this might mean. What does it mean? What do you think it means? What does Emma think it means?"
"What do you think it means?" Belle asked when Regina paused for long enough for her to get a word in edgeways.
"I … don't know," Regina finished at last, slumping back into the chair. "Fuck, what is wrong with me?"
Belle crossed her legs and observed the woman before her, ignoring the rhetorical question. She was not used to this sort of relationship problem. Typically she dealt with women who were recently out of domestic abuse relationships, often women who had been trapped in those relationships for years. Some, on occasion, would wonder if they had made a mistake to leave, self-doubt and low self-esteem hampering their ability to move forwards. But the way Regina was talking was entirely different. In fact, it reminded Belle a lot of teenage romance dramas.
"Regina, would you mind if I offered you a theory?" When the brunette nodded her consent, Belle continued. "From what you've told me, you developed a crush on Emma at school but due to various circumstances, nothing truly came from this except for a traumatic event for both of you. Now I don't know what happened afterwards but I'm surmising that you settled down in a heterosexual relationship, perhaps without addressing or resolving your attraction to Emma. When you saw her again, unexpectedly, those unresolved feelings have all come back up from where they've been lying dormant for fourteen years. In many ways, while you're dealing with these emotions like a thirty two-year old woman, the feelings and desires you have for Emma are coming from your eighteen-year old self. Does that make sense?"
"You're saying this is a teenage crush?"
"Not exactly. At least, I'm not belittling it in the way many people do young love."
Regina scoffed. "I don't love Emma."
"No, that wasn't what I meant but I do think that the way your body, mind and hormones are responding in this confused way could be attributed to this history."
"So, teenage Regina has awoken. Great, Lord help us all," Regina scowled, tone dripping with self-loathing.
"I think you need to cut yourself some slack, Regina," Belle offered. "Attraction is confusing at any age and you've also just gone through a huge life change. I do think it's also important that you don't distract yourself from talking to me and possibly Emma about the reason you came to Swan's Shelter in the first place. I'm not saying you're using this reconnection as an excuse to not address those problems but you did leave your husband and the father of your child five days ago. Even if you and Emma did choose to explore whatever might be between you, I don't think now is the right time for anyone."
Brown eyes fluttered closed and Regina let out a low breath. Belle was right. She knew that. And, to some extent, she realised, she had been distracting herself from thoughts of Leo with ideals of she and Emma. But it was ridiculous to think that anything could happen. For one thing, she didn't deserve Emma after the way she had treated her for the majority of their school days together. For another, she was a woman who had just left her abusive husband and had a six year old son. Nothing could or would be happening with Emma, regardless of how the blonde felt, any time soon.
And, Regina's brain supplied unhelpfully, Emma hated Regina. Well, maybe she didn't hate her. Regina thought the blonde's heart was too pure to be capable of hate. But there was no way even someone as good as Emma would be able to forgive Regina for what she had done to the extent that they were willing to date her. Is that what Regina wanted? Did she want to date Emma?
Yes, a voice piped up in her mind. Yes, she had wanted to date Emma for over fourteen years. She still remembered the way her heart grew heavy with lead the day after prom when Emma's neighbour informed her over the picket fence that the family had packed up and moved away that morning. She had missed her chance. She had hurt Emma and lost her forever. Which was why her emotions went into overdrive when she saw the blonde again. It was like a second chance at her happy ending, after over a decade of living a lie with a man she despised. Except it wasn't the same, it wasn't right to pretend as such. She wasn't the same and Emma certainly wasn't. While something deep inside connected with the blonde as soon as she saw her, other parts of Regina, including her bruised heart and ribs, needed some time.
"You're right," Regina sighed. "It's too soon for me to be thinking about anyone in that way, let alone Emma. I need to focus on me and Henry. I'll apologise to Emma, I'll make sure she knows I'll not put any pressure on her to talk about our past. It's not the right time."
Belle nodded slowly, pleased that Regina had come to accept this realisation so readily. Although, Belle mused to herself, the two of them would make for a great couple. Maybe, some day.
"Would you like to talk a little about Leo?" Belle asked. "We've got some time left and we've not spoken much about him since you arrived here. It could be helpful, for all elements of your life."
The idea of discussing her husband made Regina's stomach coil unpleasantly but she nodded, curling her feet underneath her on the chair and wrapping her arms protectively around her shins. "What do you want to know?"
"Let's start at the beginning."
Emma leaned against the doorframe which lead to the small kitchen, watching Ruby prepare some food, the redhead's foot tapping in time to the music which had masked Emma's arrival. The blonde was summoning the courage to tell her friend she had agreed to eat with Regina that night. Emma had considered not telling Ruby at all and just eating two dinners but decided against that. Humans were supposed to eat three meals per day, not four. At least, that was how Emma structured her day to day intake. No, she had to tell Ruby, her friend who was already curious and suspicious of her relationship with the shelter guest.
After almost a minute, Ruby finally turned around and spotted Emma in the doorway, jumping a little when she realised she was no longer alone.
"Hey," she said, reaching over to turn down the volume on her cell. "Were you watching me?"
"Yes," Emma replied. She hated lying.
"Why?" Ruby frowned.
"I have something I need to talk to you about and I wasn't sure how to do it."
Sensing the tone, Ruby turned the music off all together, wiped her hands on a towel and leaned against the counter. Emma was tense. Ruby had seen her friend act like this with strangers outside of work but she hadn't been visibly nervous with Ruby for years.
"Are you ok?"
"Yes, I'm ok. I want to ask you something," Emma ventured.
"Go ahead," Ruby said with an encouraging smile.
"So, you know how we always have dinner on Monday nights?"
"Yes," Ruby nodded, waving her arm to indicate the pile of chopped vegetables she was halfway through preparing. She was planning to make a bolognaise, stuffed with onion, carrots, red pepper and peas.
"Well, tonight, I am planning to eat at the shelter, if that's ok?"
"At the shelter? Why?"
Unwilling and unable to lie, Emma was upfront in light of the direct question. "Regina invited me to join her for dinner."
"Regina?" Ruby asked, eyebrows raised. She should have known that woman was involved. The brunette's appearance in Emma's life seemed to be causing a number of complications for her best friend. Since the first night when Regina and Henry arrived at the shelter, Ruby's dealings with the woman had been minimal. None of her own interactions had been anything other than positive and Ruby liked Regina. In theory. Except now her personal experience of the woman was tainted by the stories Emma had told. Regina had been a destructive force in Emma's teenage life now, somehow, she appeared to be worming her way into Emma's adult life. The problem was, Regina couldn't work out why.
"Yes, she's making lasagne. I like lasagne."
Before answering, Ruby turned back to the task of chopping up the carrot which she had abandoned. Even if Emma wasn't eating dinner that night, she'd still be cooking.
"And you want my permission to go?"
"No, I don't need your permission, I'm an adult," Emma reasoned. "I wanted to inform you before you started cooking and also," she faltered, "I mean, I guess I want your opinion."
Ruby put down the knife again and looked over her shoulder. "My opinion? Of what?"
Emma shrugged. "Regina? Me being her primary contact? Lasagne?"
"Well, I am a fan of lasagne," Ruby said, her lips quirking slightly. "And I know you like it too. But I think perhaps that's not what you meant. Do you want to know whether I think you should meet one of our women for dinner?"
"Yes," Emma nodded.
Ruby hesitated for a moment before answering. "Well, I'm not going to pretend this is normal. You've never eaten a meal like this with anyone else from the shelter, have you? But I will accept that it's different simply because you knew Regina from before. The question you need to ask yourself is whether this meal will shift the dynamic for the two of you. As you've said before and as you've argued, you're her counsellor first and foremost, nothing more. But the fact that you've come to me all twitchy and confused suggests to me that perhaps something deeper is going on. Does that sound accurate?"
Emma shrugged again and made her way over to perch on a breakfast bar stool, elbows on the counter as she considered what Ruby had said.
"Look, I'm not going to tell you what I think you should or shouldn't do but can I make an observation?"
"Please," Emma nodded, keen for any insight her friend may provide for her. The fact that she was a trained counsellor meant Ruby generally gave astute advice.
"That first day you saw Regina again, four days ago, by the way, you told me you hated this woman and basically called her the devil. You were incredibly angry and I understand why. But what I can't understand is what's changed. You stormed in here that morning, broke stuff, then went back to work and a few hours later agreed to go to Central Park with this woman. Then you went into work on your day off and helped her secure a place for her son at the school. And now you're going to meet her for dinner. What's changed? What made you go from throwing things around our apartment to blowing me off to spend time with Regina?"
Emma opened her mouth to answer but then closed it. What had changed? What had happened to make her put her anger aside. She knew some element of that came from her desire to do her job to the best of her ability but that wasn't going to satisfy Ruby. And, in truth, it didn't satisfy Emma who had been a little rattled by the question, especially when Ruby pointed out how fast all these events had taken place. It was fast. It was too fast. It was confusing. One, two, three, four, five, pause. One, two, three, four, five, pause. First things first.
"I'm sorry for not being here for dinner tonight," Emma began but Ruby interrupted her.
"I don't care about that. I'm more concerned about you. Do you know what you're doing?"
White teeth drew a thin lip between them, gently digging into the flesh as she considered the question. "No," she confessed eventually. "I don't know what I'm doing. I'm confused, Ruby, and I don't know what to do."
Ruby moved to sit beside Emma, taking the blonde's hands and looking directly into her friend's green eyes. "What happened between you two?" she asked. "And don't tell me she was your high school bully because I know it's more than that. What is it which has you all messed up over this woman?"
The words climbed up her throat, desperate to get out, to be confessed to someone. Emma swallowed thickly, unsure if she was trying to force the truth down or just steady her nerves. One, two, three, four, five, pause. One, two, three, four, five, pause.
"Regina was my first kiss," Emma whispered.
Brown eyes blew wide. Ruby hadn't been expecting that. A crush on Emma's side, somehow, perhaps. Even if Regina had spent years tormenting her, the woman's beauty couldn't be ignored and teenage hormones were confusing as hell. But for the attraction to be reciprocated surprised her.
"You kissed?"
"She kissed me," Emma admitted. "The night of prom. She told me she liked me and apologised for her actions. And then we kissed again and … God, it was amazing, Ruby. It was everything you'd dream a first kiss would be. But then her friends came in and Regina turned the whole thing into a joke, saying it was a prank and that I was a weirdo. I ran out of there, never saw her again because we moved back to New York the next day. But then she turned up and all those feelings bubbled up again. I know she was evil and I know I should hate her. I do hate her for much of what she's done. But the way she kissed me, the way that kiss made me feel, I know that was the truth, her truth and my truth. And now it's fourteen years later and all these old, confusing feelings are resurfacing and I don't know what to do. I don't know how I feel. I don't know how she feels."
"You need to talk to her," Ruby said firmly. "You need to tell her what you just told me. You're both tip toeing around, neither one saying how you feel or what you think. It's confusing you and not allowing you to actually address those feelings. It's also probably hindering your capacity as her counsellor. Once you know where you stand, I think you both need to re-evaluate whether you're the best person to be her primary contact. If you're not in a position to be as supportive and objective as you need to be, please pass her case over to me, for both your sakes."
Emma nodded and looked down at her hands, fingers knotted together, twisting and untwisting. Ruby was right, she knew that. She did need to talk to Regina. The problem was, Emma struggled to talk about her emotions. Emotions were unpredictable and changed according to the people around her. They were confusing and they hurt but yet they could also cause euphoria. To find the words to describe her own emotions was a challenge for Emma, particularly when she was talking to the person about whom she was feeling things. Because, she admitted to herself, she did feel things for Regina. Confusing things including hurtful emotions and painful memories. But there were also flickers of happier times, hopeful futures, the embers of a teenage fantasy.
"I never thought I'd see her again," Emma said quietly. "I didn't think I ever wanted to see her again but now that I have … I feel like I'm eighteen again, Rubes. And not in a bad way."
"Tell her," Ruby said gently. "But just bear in mind that she's in Swan's Shelter for a reason. Whatever either of you is feeling, remember the context of how you two met again. She just left her abusive husband and she has a kid who has essentially lost his father. Just, be careful, for the sake of everyone involved."
Emma nodded slowly. Ruby patted her friend on her shoulder and slid off the school, returning to the chopping board when she resumed her prep.
"Can I help?" Emma asked, deciding that doing something to distract her from her churning emotions may be beneficial. "If I'm bailing on our dinner, the least I can do is help you prepare."
A/N: So I may be down to one update per week but next week's will be delivered on Saturday morning (Melbourne time) so that's good news, right? And depending on how well I sleep/don't sleep on my flight home, the subsequent instalment may be fantastically long (or delirious).