A/N: Don't worry, it's not Sunday. I'm posting a day early because I'm off on a trek in the Tasmanian outback and won't have my laptop for four whole days! I may not make it … anyway, enjoy!
Emma listened patiently to Ursula and Mulan as the two women gave her a brief rundown of the day's events. Thanking her team members for their work, Emma bade the duo goodnight and waved them out of the building. A quick check of the security system, making sure her cell phone was correctly connected to the front door intercom to catch any guests and Emma made her way through the double doors which led to the back of the shelter.
The common room was busy, most of the residents having recently finished their dinner and were now turning their attention to the television. Some of the older children seemed to be protesting at their inability to play video games as a result. Emma decided not to get involved. The mothers could work out for themselves what was best for their children. Emma liked children and found their straightforward view of the world much easier to navigate than most adults. But not tonight. Instead, she turned towards the kitchen but a quick scan told her Regina wasn't there.
Glancing at her cell, she saw it was already ten minutes past eight. Had Regina given up waiting for her? Emma considered her options. She could just go back to the front desk and get started on the mountain of paperwork which she knew waited for her. But no, she was hungry. Starving, even. She could make a sandwich with ingredients from the fridge. But she had agreed to eat with Regina. And, as Ruby had made clear, the two of them needed to talk.
Pausing on her way back to the corridor to speak briefly with Yasmin and ask how her stitches were feeling, Emma was soon on her way towards room 108, satisfied that the newest arrival in the shelter was safe and in as little pain as possible, given the circumstances. Her blood boiled as she recalled the details the young woman had divulged about her abusive partner. As a result, the rap of her knuckles on Regina's door was a little harder than she intended.
"Oops," Emma muttered, retracting her hand and stuffing it into the pocket of her slacks as she heard hurried footsteps on the far side of the door. The sound made her heart thud a little faster. Stop it, she said to herself. You're here as her primary contact; she invited you to dinner and nothing more. Plus, she was a cold-hearted bitch who made your life hell in high school, remember? Yeah, well, a lot's changed since high school, Emma thought to herself just before her internal argument was interrupted.
Regina yanked the door open, ready to scowl at the person who had almost woken Henry up. "Oh, Emma," she said, realising who was there and feeling the anger dissipate at once. "Is everything ok?"
"Yeah, fine," Emma said quickly, almost forgetting what had caused the abrupt knock in the first place, distracted by thoughts of Regina. "Sorry about that, um, knock. I was thinking about something else. So, I'm ready to eat, if you are?"
"Perfect timing," Regina smiled. "Henry's just fallen asleep." Checking quickly over her shoulder to ensure the loud knock really hadn't woken her son, Regina grabbed a cardigan from the chair by the door and stepped out into the corridor, closing it quietly behind her. "Are you hungry?"
"Very hungry," Emma nodded. "I usually eat dinner at six thirty."
"Oh, I'm sorry for making you wait," Regina said quickly. "I didn't mean to. You could have come earlier, or just eaten at home with Ruby."
"It's ok," the blonde replied, placating the woman who even Emma could see was flustered. "I'm sure your lasagne will be worth the wait. Did Henry like it, since it was his request?"
"Yes, he had two helpings," Regina smiled. "And we managed to get through the whole afternoon without him asking after his father which was a nice change."
The comment reminded both women of the situation they had found themselves in. Regardless of how they felt, even without knowing where the other woman's head was at, they both had the same thought. Too soon.
"So, I don't mean to spoil your evening but how are you feeling about your husband?" Emma asked as they reached the small kitchen and Regina set about preparing what they needed to eat.
Pulling the lasagne out of the oven where she had left it to keep warm, Regina bought herself some time to answer by portioning out two generous chunks of the Italian dish. "I'm doing ok," she said as she slid the second piece onto a plate. "One day at a time, I suppose. I'm safe and so is Henry. That's all that matters."
"And you had a meeting with Belle today, right?"
Regina looked up from where she had been adding some salad to their plates. "How do you know about that?"
"Belle's schedule is on our main work calendar all our cells connect to. Every time she adds or removes an appointment, I get a notification," Emma explained. She decided it wasn't necessary to point out to Regina that the brunette had failed to mention her scheduled meeting when Emma asked her of her afternoon plans earlier that day. Regina had her reasons and Emma wasn't going to pry if the brunette wasn't ready to talk.
"Oh, right," Regina said, resuming her task. "Yeah, I guess that makes sense."
"All discussions within the meetings themselves are confidential," Emma clarified without prompting. "But it's important that I and the team can see what her schedule looks like so that we can book in any of our women to appointments if required."
"I understand," Regina nodded. "I just didn't know you knew. Do you want a dressing on your salad?"
"Just olive oil and balsamic," Emma replied. She didn't like shop bought dressings. They were too sugary and stodgy. "I'm glad you're talking to Belle. It's important to feel like you have someone here whom you can turn to. Belle's fantastic and I'm sure she will be able to help you."
The undertone was evident: Regina wasn't talking to Emma about her past. She forced a tight smile and picked up the plates along with the required cutlery and made her way towards the long dining table which was now vacant. Emma followed, grabbing a couple of glasses of water on the way. Actually, a red wine would be perfect right now, she mused to herself, temporarily regretting the dry space rule she herself had implemented at the shelter. But perhaps it was for the best, she decided as she sat down opposite Regina. If they were going to talk about their past and present relationship, it would be better for both of them to have a clear head.
"Well, I hope you like it," Regina said, gesturing to the food.
Emma picked up her cutlery and obediently tucked into the slab of lasagne. Her eyes closed at the first mouthful, taste exploding on her tongue. A soft moan escaped her lips.
"Wow," she said after she had swallowed. "This is amazing."
Regina, who had been temporarily immobilised by the sight and sound of the blonde before her, jerked back to the present and hastily stuffed some food into her own mouth, trying to cover up the fact that she'd been staring.
The two of them ate for a few minutes in silence until the grumbling in Emma's belly had been satiated. Regina was just trying to avoid saying anything foolish by not speaking at all.
"So, I was talking to Ruby today," Emma said, starting on her salad now she'd eaten half of the pasta dish.
"About what?"
"You."
Regina coughed harshly as a piece of lasagne got stuck in her windpipe after she inhaled too sharply with shock. Emma pushed the glass of water towards the choking woman and watched to see if she was alright. Regina took several deep gulps, eyes watering.
"Are you ok?" Emma asked as the glass was returned to the table and Regina patted her chest a few times.
"Yes, sorry. That was embarrassing. I just wasn't expecting you to say that. Um, why were you talking to Ruby about me?"
"Well, when I told Ruby why I wouldn't be joining her for our usual Monday night dinner, she wanted to know why I was spending time with you. I suppose because I'm spending more time with you than I would usually spend with our shelter guests. As a primary contact, I'll do a lot of different things depending on what each woman and their family needs but, as Ruby pointed out, having dinner with a resident isn't usually one of my responsibilities."
So, we're talking about this, Regina thought to herself, gently laying her cutlery on either side of her half-finished dinner. "Yeah, I guessed this dinner invite wasn't exactly standard judging by your reaction when I asked you earlier. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position. If it was inappropriate, I apologise and I won't do it again."
"It's not all on you," Emma reasoned. "I was the one who said yes. And while it isn't entirely appropriate, I'm going to take you choking as a hint which tells me you're feeling just as awkward about this as I am. I don't like feeling awkward at work. I feel awkward in so much of my life, but the shelter is somewhere I feel comfortable. I'm confident in my abilities and I know the work I do is good and important. But there's something about you which changes things. Ruby thinks we need to talk about it. Well, I'm here now and I perhaps there are a few things we need to talk about."
"Here?" Regina asked, looking around to gauge whether anyone else was listening. They weren't but she still felt uncomfortable, unsure exactly where this conversation was going to go.
"Let's finish eating and then we can head to my office, or a meeting room if you'd prefer somewhere more neutral. But bear in mind I'm the only staff member on site, so I may have to press pause if someone else here needs me."
Regina nodded her agreement and after a moment, resumed her meal. The two of them cleared their plates in silence, broken only when Emma congratulated her on the delicious dish and stood to tidy up the remnants. The blonde's foster parents had instilled the importance of manners from the moment she had arrived in their home. Years in the foster system, coupled with her autism, meant Emma's manners were a little underdeveloped for her age. Regina followed her silently to the kitchen but was batted away when she tried to help. Another learned behaviour from Mary Margaret and David. Within five minutes, the remaining lasagne was stored in the fridge, the plates were clean and their water glasses were refilled.
"I need to check on Henry," Regina said as they walked towards the corridor. "I told him I'd be in the common room if he woke and neded me. Actually, Kathryn," she said, noticing the blonde was sat on the couch nearby, "I'm just going to have a meeting with Emma. If you see Henry, can you bring him to me? He's in bed and asleep but just in case he wakes up, I don't want him to panic if he can't find me."
"Sure," Kathryn replied. "I'll keep an eye out."
"Thanks," Regina smiled at the woman she was now tentatively considering her friend. Kathryn had wandered over earlier that day when she was preparing dinner and the two of them had talked for an hour or so. Of all the women in the shelter, the blonde was the only one she had really spoken with for more than a few minutes.
She realised with a jolt that she hadn't missed any of her friends from Maine. In fact, until that moment she hadn't even thought of them. Then again, she mused, they weren't really her friends. They were Leo's. Anyone who Regina met without her husband never got far into their social circles and quickly fell away after they failed to penetrate the austere barrier her husband had constructed around them. The people they spent the majority of their time with were all Leo's work colleagues and their wives.
"Come on in," Emma said as they emerged in the reception area of the shelter, where the doorway to the blonde's office lay behind the desk. Henry had been fast asleep, his arms wrapped snugly around Eddie, the elephant's trunk laying against his cheek.
Regina stepped inside the office for the first time and looked around. The desk was large, piles of neat paper stacked along one side, a computer taking up the remaining space. Four filing cabinets, each topped with a plant lined one wall. Emma made her way behind the desk and sat down in the swivel chair, gesturing for Regina to do the same. But the brunette hesitated.
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah," Regina nodded slowly. "It just feels super formal. Like I'm here meeting you for a job interview or something, not talking about … whatever we're going to talk about."
Emma glanced around her own office, realising Regina was right. The problem was, she didn't really have anywhere informal to take the brunette. Perhaps the most informal rooms, aside from the bedrooms and common room, was Belle's office but Emma wasn't comfortable using that space. That said, it was important Regina felt comfortable. How could she solve this problem? How could she make Regina feel more relaxed?
"Ok, how about this?" Emma asked, wheeling her chair around to the same side of the desk as Regina, removing the desk as the obstacle between them. "Better?"
Regina chuckled. "Yes, I guess. Sorry, I just didn't imagine us having this conversation in an office. Where else though, right? It's not like there's anywhere private in this place."
Ignoring the mild criticism of her shelter, Emma chose instead to focus on the evidence that Regina too seemed to have been contemplating a conversation with Emma, just as Emma knew she needed to talk to Regina. Well, after prompting from Ruby.
"So, do you want to go first?"
"Not really," Regina replied. "I don't know where to start."
"Ok, how about I go first then," Emma suggested, used to taking the lead in awkward conversations about challenging subjects for work. Sure, this was a little different due to their history but at the end of the day, as Ruby reminded her, she was Regina's primary contact.
"Yes please," Regina nodded, keen to hear what the blonde had to say, hoping it would enable her to decipher where the woman's head was at before she made a fool of herself and confessed her own, long-harboured feelings which had lain dormant for fourteen years.
"Well, I think I should start by talking about the circumstances under which we've met again," Emma began. "I never expected to see you again, Regina, and now that I have, it's brought back up a lot of memories and emotions for me."
"Me too," Regina replied.
Before the brunette could apologise again, Emma pressed on. "And while I know it is important that I address those emotions, I think it is key that we both remember what brought about this reunion. The last few days have been intense to say the least, but I need to bear in mind why you're here. I'm sure you've not forgotten what happened last Thursday but I worry I sometimes have lost sight of that"
"I have too," Regina confessed.
"Really?"
"Well, I'm sure it's always there, in the back of my mind. 'I left my abusive husband,' but I guess I've been distracted. And maybe because of that emotional trauma, the other emotions which have been triggered by seeing you again appear to be heightened. You're right that it's been intense since I arrived and I think I have to apologise for some of that intensity. I was confused and overwhelmed and I didn't think. I'm sorry."
"It's ok," Emma assured her. "It's not all on you. To be honest, my emotions feel confused and heightened too. Now, I'm not good at talking about how I feel. At least, not outside of a professional conversation and I think we've already stepped beyond that. But what I do need you to know before anything more is said is that I am acutely aware of your current situation and any further discussions between us will need to be had within that context."
"The context of being in a women's shelter?"
"Exactly," Emma nodded. "And I'm your primary contact here. It's my role to help you and Henry stay safe and start a new life."
With you, Regina's brain added before she could stop it. She internally scolded herself for not only the assumption but also the inappropriate thought considering what Emma was saying. It was clear Emma wanted to keep their relationship professional and Regina understood her reasons.
"I agree," Regina nodded. "Actually, I was talking about this will Belle today."
Emma frowned slightly. "Talking about what?"
"The fact that you're my primary contact, not -." She stopped herself before she spilled the beans and confessed where her mind had been drifting over the past few days.
The two women fell silent, neither quite knowing where the conversation should or could go from there. Emma was already feeling out of her depth. This was no longer a work conversation. This was a conversation about feelings. Emma didn't like talking about her feelings, particularly when they were as confused as they were when it came to the woman sat opposite her.
"Ok, there's one thing I do need to say," Regina said after a moment. "At least, I think it's something you need to know."
Emma nodded slowly. "Go ahead."
"The day after prom, after that night whn we -"
"I know the night," Emma interrupted before Regina vocalised the memory. She didn't need it to be spoken out loud. Hold it together, Emma, she told herself as she felt yet more emotions and memories flicker to life.
"Ok, well, I went to your house the morning after. I came to find you, to apologise or explain or whatever. To be honest, I didn't even know what I was going to say, but I knew I had to see you. That next morning, with a terrible hangover thanks to some questionable alcohol, I walked down to your house. But you'd gone. Your neighbour took pity on me after I'd been sat on your porch for ten minutes and told me you and your family had left. I had no idea you were moving back to New York so soon after the end of school."
"You never asked," Emma pointed out.
"True," Regina admitted. "Well, anyway, I just thought you should know. I wanted to apologise for that night fourteen years ago. I often wonder how different my life might have been if I'd caught you before you left Maine. But I didn't, and I had to live with the guilt of knowing I had said some many cruel, hurtful and malicious things to a woman I was crazy about."
"Crazy about?"
Regina shrugged. "I mean, I guess I shouldn't use that word but you certainly sent my mind into a spin. You had done months before prom, to be honest. And then everything just sort of came to a head when I saw you. You looked so beautiful that night, Emma."
"Stop," Emma said before the woman could continue. "Regina, I … we can't do this. You just left your husband and I'm your primary contact and -"
"I know," Regina pushed on. "I know and I'm sorry this is such a mess, but I need you to know how I felt. I need you to know that what happened that night was real for me. And I'm sorry for all the hurt which came afterwards and I'll never forgive myself for how I treated you. I'm not asking for anything and as we both know, now isn't the time. Hell, there might never be a time. You might not think of me in that way. I'm not even sure how I feel. Belle thinks the emotions I'm dealing with are unresolved teenage issues resurfacing."
"You talked to Belle about us? Did you tell her what happened?" For some reason, the idea of Belle knowing about their history sat uncomfortably with Emma. She liked and respected her colleague greatly but the idea that Belle knew about the complicated past which Emma and Regina shared made her feel unprofessional. It was unprofessional, she mused, especially considering the direction their conversation appeared to be heading.
Regina bit her lip and nodded. "Yes. I'm sorry, I just needed to speak with someone about all the messed up emotions which were swirling around my head. I mean, haven't you spoken to Ruby about it?"
"Well, yes," Emma admitted.
"I just needed to talk and I don't have any friends here. I needed to voice what I was feeling and start to deal with it all. But Belle did remind me that I'm here in the shelter because of Leo, because my marriage is over. Now isn't the time to start anything new. I mean, not that I'm assuming anything but …"
She trailed off, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Not only had she all but admitted to Emma that she still had feelings for the woman, but she had also revealed her completely unwarranted and unfounded assumption that Emma would be interested in pursuing anything with the brunette.
Even if all of the circumstances under which they had met again had been different, there was no reason for Regina to assume Emma felt the same way. Sure, there was the kiss. A kiss she thought about often over the past fourteen years. A kiss which had felt different in all the right ways to any other kiss she had ever shared with a man or woman. But the rest of the women's history had been far more negative, filled with unpleasant memories.
"Look," Emma said, the silence in the room becoming too much for her, "I need to talk to someone too. Work out what I'm feeling. I agree; it's confusing."
Brown eyes searched Emma's face, trying to identify what sort of confusing emotions the blonde was referring to. Were they good? Bad? A mixture?
"I never thought I'd see you again," Emma continued. "And then when you showed up without warning, I wasn't ready to deal with it. I thought I had put high school behind me but seeing you tells me that I haven't. That night was really confusing for me, Regina. Up until that point you had been nothing but unpleasant to me and then suddenly you were making me feel all these different things which I couldn't process. And then we were back to you being a mean girl and I couldn't take it. I'm glad my family left early the next day and if you had come over, I don't think I would have talked to you. It was too much; too soon."
"And now?"
Emma cocked her head, considering the woman before her. Emotions were always a challenge for Emma but there was something she thought she identified as hope glinting in those wide chocolate orbs.
"Now I need some time," Emma said eventually. "And you do too. For you and Henry to have the best possible start at your new chapter, you're going to need to focus on setting up a life in New York."
"What if I want you in that life?"
The words tumbled from plump lips before Regina could stop them. She gasped as she realised what she had said but there was no taking them back now. So instead she raised her gaze which had fallen to the pink, raw skin of her thumbs and looked stoically at the shocked blonde.
"One day at a time, ok?" Emma answered eventually, ignoring the funny feeling in her stomach at the intensity of the woman's eye contact. She wasn't hungry; that wasn't the feeling. She wasn't sick. It was something else. Something bigger.
Regina seemed satisfied with the answer as the corners of her mouth quirked upwards into a gentle smile. Yes, Emma concluded, that was definitely the look of hope. Was Emma wrong to have given her that? Was Regina right to hope for some sort of future for the two of them? Before Emma could begin to answer those questions, Regina glanced at the clock above Emma's desk.
"I ought to get back to Henry."
"And I have paperwork which needs to be finished." It was true but Emma suspected she'd be struggling to focus on much for the rest of the night after their conversation.
The two women got to their feet. Suddenly the lack of a desk meant they found themselves alarmingly close together. Too close, as far as Emma's sense of personal space was concerned. And yet, with Regina, she found she wasn't feeling that usual sense of discomfort at the proximity to another human.
"Well, thank you. Tonight was lovely and I'm glad we talked."
"Me too," Emma nodded. "It was a conversation which we both needed to have. And thank you for cooking. The lasagne was delicious."
"Feel free to have some for lunch tomorrow," Regina offered. "There's plenty left."
"Thank you but it's my day off tomorrow. I have errands to run." Emma's Tuesday off work was regimentally filled with a number of weekly chores, completed in a specific order without fail.
"Oh," Regina said, smile faltering when she realised she wasn't going to see the blonde for a whole day. "Well, enjoy your day off. You work really hard. You deserve a break."
"Thank you. I'll be looking forward to hearing how Henry's first day at school goes when I'm back on Wednesday."
"Me too," Regina replied. "I hope he settles quickly."
"He will," Emma assured. "Kids are remarkably resilient and as long as he knows he's safe and loved, he'll adapt just fine."
"Thank you."
"Any time."
Both women lapsed into silence. Neither quite knew how to end the conversation and, deep down, neither wanted to. But then the shrill ring of the front door interrupted their awkward, stagnated moment. Emma gestured to Regina to exit the office first before following and heading for the computer where the CCTV for the street entrance was located.
"I'll leave you to it," Regina said, a little disappointed at the abrupt end.
"Yeah, bye, thanks again for dinner," Emma said, already focused on her job once more. When a woman was in need, Emma was always professional. As Regina exited the reception, the blonde pressed the intercom and introduced their location to the unknown woman standing in the doorway of the building.
A/N: Next chapter will be next Sunday and then we'll be back to our usual Wednesday/Sunday schedule. Thanks for bearing with me!