A/N: Happy Sunday! Just a warning, the flashback in this chapter has Regina and her friends using some homophobic language. I hate the way I wrote these teenagers but it's necessary to the storyline and obviously doesn't reflect my views!
"Mom, I get to go to school with Roland tomorrow, right?" Henry asked as his mother tucked his duvet close around him.
"It's Monday tomorrow so yes, you do," Regina replied, settling herself on the edge of Henry's bed, leaning back against the headboard and picking up the book the boy had requested for his bedtime story, The Tiger Who Came To Tea.
"And then on the next day too?"
"What day comes after Monday?" Regina asked.
"Toosday," Henry replied after a moment's pause to recall the order of the days of the week.
"Tuesday, yes," Regina smiled. "And yes you do. That's your school now. You'll get to go there every day from Monday through to Friday and then at the weekend we'll be here."
Henry looked around the small room. "Is this where we'll live forever now?" he asked, nose wrinkled at the idea. The space was about half the size of the bedroom he had grown up in and, to boot, had to be shared with his mother. This was not ideal, even for a six-year-old.
"For a while. But tomorrow I'm going to start looking for jobs and then hopefully we'll be able to move out of here and get our own place."
"Can Roland come too?"
"Roland will be living with his mom," Regina explained, even though she had no idea what Marian's plans were. The woman barely spoke, even though she and Regina now walked their children to and from school together. "But I'm sure he can come over to play some days."
"Ok," Henry agreed. "Read now." His mother's eyebrows raised. "Please," he added.
Obediently, Regina opened the book and began to read.
"Do the proper voices!" Henry pouted when the first line of speech came out in Regina's usual tone.
"What do you mean?"
"Dad did it differently," Henry moaned. "He's better at it than you."
The comment hurt. She could count the number of times her husband had read a story to their son on one hand. She understood that this was normal; that the absence of his father meant Henry was elevating the man's position beyond reality. Belle had talked a little about what to expect over the coming months as Henry adjusted to life with a single parent. But she had hoped that the conversation they had had about Leo's abuse would have had an impact. While she didn't want to paint the man as the bad guy, evil though he was, Henry had appeared to understand their conversation that day in the park. So why was he now reverting back to wanting his father? Couldn't he understand what Leo had done, that he was the reason their family was no longer together. No, of course he couldn't, Regina told herself. He's six.
"Sorry Henry," Regina forced herself to say. "Let me try again."
With five minutes to go until the end of her shift, Emma saved the document and shut down her computer. The grant proposal was ready to be sent the following day. I hope we get it, Emma thought as she packed up her desk and prepared to leave for the evening. The shelter had enough funding day to day, from a combination of government grants, donations and funds secured from prior grant applications. But this new injection would allow them to expand further, improve their services, help more women.
Just as she was stepping out of her office Ruby walked through the door of the shelter.
"Good timing," Ruby grinned, swinging her bag onto the top of the counter and leaning on it.
"I'd say more like you're cutting it rather fine and were almost late," Emma replied.
"It took me longer to get here from the hospital than I thought."
Emma winced. She hadn't meant to be so insensitive. "Oh, sorry. How's your gran?"
"She's ok. Doctors say she'll be fine but it's just going to be a slow recovery. Thanks for covering on Friday by the way."
"You're welcome. I was happy to do it."
Ruby snorted. "You were happy to change your plans? Emma, I know you. You hate changing plans."
"Yes, well, this plan change didn't work out so badly." Memories of that Friday night flashed across Emma's mind. Followed by memories of Saturday morning. And Saturday evening, when she and Regina had managed to snatch five minutes together. And Sunday morning when the blonde had joined Regina and her son for breakfast. Lost in her recollections, Emma missed the curious way in which her friend was looking at her.
"Ok, well, thanks again. So, what do I need to know?" Ruby asked, forcing images of Regina from Emma's mind.
"Not much," Emma replied, focusing once again on her job. "Terri and her kids left this morning. The new apartment isn't anything special but it's safe and the children have a room each. She said she'd call if there were any problems or if Grant showed up again."
"Prick," Ruby muttered. She had met Terri's ex only once. The man had somehow tracked down his wife and children and confronted them in the street outside the shelter. Ruby had seen the altercation on the CCTV monitor and called the police before rushing outside to assist. The man had since been served a restraining order and Terri had chosen to find an apartment on the opposite side of the city. Ruby knew they had done all they could, but she still feared that one day he'd find them again. "Anything else?"
Emma shook her head, glancing at the clock and seeing that it was one minute past eight which meant she was officially off duty. "I'm just going to say goodbye to the women," she said. "You good out here?"
"Sure," Ruby nodded, circling the desk as Emma stepped out from behind it. "But you don't need to lie to me. I know by 'women' you mean Regina."
Stopping dead in her tracks towards the back of the shelter, Emma turned to her best friend. "What do you mean by that?" Emma asked.
"Babe, you're glowing. I've not seen you like this in years. Plus, what you said about the change of Friday night working out? Don't try and lie to me about the reason."
Panic bubbled up in Emma. She couldn't admit it. She couldn't tell Ruby what had happened, how she felt. It was unprofessional; Regina was a guest at the shelter.
"I -"
But before the blonde could even begin to formulate an excuse, the phone rang, interrupting her. Ruby waggled her eyebrows in a way that said, 'we'll talk about this later,' and leaned over to answer the phone. "Hello, Swan's Shelter. Ruby speaking, how may I help?"
Seizing the opportunity, Emma darted through the doors into the back of the shelter, leaving her nosey friend behind. Well, looks like we won't be keeping this quiet, Emma bemoaned as she set off down the corridor. What would people think? What would the women think? What would her staff think? Lost in her spiralling fears, Emma didn't hear the woman calling after her until a hand landed on her shoulder. She spun around, eyes wide.
"Sorry," Regina said quickly. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"Regina," Emma breathed out, heart pounding. "I didn't hear you."
"You walked past my room just as I came out. You looked like were miles away. Are you ok? Did something happen?"
Emma glanced behind her to make sure no one would overhear them. "I think Ruby knows about us."
"Already? How?"
"I'm glowing, apparently," she shrugged. "How can a person glow. We're not phosphorescent. It's a strange expression. I don't understand it. Am I glowing?"
Regina took the opportunity to stare unabashedly at the blonde, eyes drinking in the tall, slender figure. "You look beautiful," she said eventually.
A dopey smile appeared on Emma's face. She couldn't help herself. Regina made her feel … soft. "Thank you."
"Are you finished for the day?" Regina asked.
"Yes, I just clocked off. Ruby's arrived for the night shift."
"Would you like to have a cup of tea with me? I was just about to make one. Henry's finally asleep. He made me read him The Tiger Who Came To Tea twice and only fell asleep right at the end. Bud in doing so, it made me really want a cup of tea."
"Tea sounds good," Emma nodded. "In the common room? Ruby's on the front desk and she already thinks she knows something's going on."
"Is that such a bad thing?" Regina asked as they set off down the corridor towards the common area. "I mean, she is your best friend. I assumed you would tell her, even if you didn't tell the rest of the staff."
It was true. Emma had contemplated telling Ruby. In fact, if the woman had been at home on Friday when she returned from the shelter, she probably would have divulged what had happened. But the empty apartment and two nights to sleep on the information had made Emma reassess. Much as she hated lying, she didn't want to tell Ruby just yet.
"I don't know what she'd think of me," Emma admitted at last. "And I don't want to affect her working relationship with you either. Ruby and I have been friends for a long time and I know she'd support me but she also saw me throwing stuff around our apartment because of you last week."
"What?"
"Oh, I didn't tell you that, did I?" Emma said as they entered the common room, which was mercifully almost empty, and headed towards the kitchen.
Regina shook her head slowly, that familiar feeling of guilt crawling into her bloodstream. "You threw stuff? Because of me?"
"The first day I saw you, that morning. It was just the shock. All those emotions. I just needed to let off some steam. I couldn't express what I was feeling in words, so throwing breakable stuff around our apartment seemed like the next best thing. Ruby was the one who," she quirked her lips to one side, "calmed me down."
"Emma, I'm so sorry," Regina began but Emma held up her hand to stop her.
"Let's not do that. I know you're sorry. It's ok. I'm talking to Archie about why I reacted the way I did and to be honest I think it was more to do with how confusing those emotions were, rather than the anger I felt towards you. I won't deny that I did feel angry but I was also dealing with so many unresolved feelings and those conflicting states were too confusing. I exploded. I … I do that sometimes."
"I know," Regina said quietly, a brief memory flashing before her eyes before fading as quickly as it had come. "And I understand. But I'm still sorry."
"Anyway," Emma continued, not wanting to dwell. "I'm worried that Ruby will not be supportive because of that outburst. She's just protective, she wants what's best for me and I don't know if I can explain to her that you are what's best for me."
"I am?"
Emma cocked her head and regarded the shorter woman before her. "I think so," she nodded. "I know it doesn't make sense, but these last two days have been amazing. We've barely spent any time together and I can't remember being this happy before. Because of you, Regina. In spite of everything, against all odds, whatever it is we have, it makes me really happy."
Brown eyes sparkled with emotion. "God, I wish I could kiss you right now," she whispered. "You're amazing, Emma. And you make me very happy too. Happier than I feel I deserve to be, given the fact that I left an abusive husband ten days ago. How did I get so lucky?"
"I think you deserve a little luck after everything you've been through," Emma offered gently. "Now, shall we have that tea before people start wondering what we're doing?"
Realising the two of them had been standing in the middle of the kitchen talking intensely for five minutes, Regina nodded and stepped back, just in case any of the few women who were watching television noticed the interaction. Together, they set about preparing the hot drink and soon found themselves sat side by side on the barstools, each cupping their mug.
"So, you've got tomorrow off, right?" Regina asked.
"Yeah," Emma nodded. "Well, I'm working the night shift."
"Would you like to join me for dinner again?"
Emma looked sideways at the woman. "Are you asking me out on a date?"
"Well, I'm not sure I'd say 'out'. We'd be sat at a dining table in a women's shelter where you work and I live. I'd hardly say it was a romantic location but yes, I guess you could call it a date."
"You know I like clarity," Emma smirked. "Or rather, I don't like ambiguity. Straight to the point, no nonsense, that's how I've always lived my life."
"I know, and I've always admired your honesty," Regina said. "So yes, if you want to put a label on it, then I'm asking you 'in' on a date tomorrow. What do you say?"
"I say yes," Emma grinned. "And in line with this conversation, are we dating now?"
"I mean, I think so. We're going on a date, isn't that the definition of dating?"
"I don't know," Emma mused. "Let's look it up."
Regina rolled her eyes playfully as the woman pulled out her cell and googled the definition of the term 'dating'.
"Google's top result is from a website called Urban Dictionary," Emma announced a few moments later. "Is that like the Oxford English Dictionary or Merriam-Webster or Collins?"
"Not really but go ahead and read it," Regina chuckled.
Emma cleared her throat. "Dating is where two people who are attracted to each other spend time together to see if they also can stand to be around each other most of the time. If this is successful they develop a relationship, although sometimes a relationship develops anyways if the people can't find anybody else to date them, or are very lonely or one person is only attracted to the other and pretends to be in love with the second unfortunate person who has the misunderstanding that they have found love. This occurs quite often and eventually leads to something called cheating."
Regina burst out laughing. "That website is ridiculous."
Emma however, looked sobered. "I'd never cheat on you. I'd never cheat on anyone."
"Oh, me neither," Regina said quickly. "Sorry, I wasn't laughing at that. Cheating isn't funny in the slightest. I always suspected that Leo cheated on me actually, not long after Henry was born. It crushed me. So, I know that cheating isn't a joke, trust me. It's just that the entries on Urban Dictionary are supposed to be kinda funny."
"So it's not accurate as a definition?"
"I think dating is a hard word to define," Regina pointed out. "But how about we take that first part and the bit about relationships. Forget the stuff about being lonely and cheating. I'd never cheat on you, Emma."
"Ok," Emma nodded. "Thank you."
Glancing over her shoulder to make sure no one was watching, Regina moved her hand towards across the counter brushing her knuckles against Emma's fingers where they were curled around her cooling tea.
"I know we agreed to take this slow but you're also going to have to be patient with me," Emma sighed. "I … well, the way my mind works means I'm not like everyone else. Sometimes I struggle with emotions and I also find it hard to trust people. You know about my early childhood. It can be hard for me to accept that I'm wanted. Self-doubt, you know?"
"I really do know," Regina nodded. "And, for what it's worth, I do want you. I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone before. And I'm sorry if that's too fast or too much or whatever and I'm not pushing anything. I would never push either of us into anything which we aren't ready for. But I need you to know that, well, I'm excited to be dating you and I'm looking forward to finding out what our future holds."
"Me too. Let's leave the past in the past and explore what we could have together. A fresh start," Emma offered.
"Deal," Regina smiled.
But even as she said the word, Regina wondered whether she could ever truly leave the past behind her. Not just her past with Emma but also her husband. Would he always be there, the ghost of Leo haunting her future relationships? And could Emma really move on? After everything which had happened, was it even possible for them to start with a blank slate? Or would traces of their past continue to creep into their future?
October 23rd 2003
Brown and orange leaves crunched underfoot as she trudged down the sidewalk, coat zipped up to protect her from the chilled wind which had swept into town overnight. Her nose was pink from the cold and for the first time since her family had moved to Maine, Emma found herself wishing she would arrive at school faster.
"Hey, it's the new kid."
Not already, Emma thought to herself. The day had barely started. She kept walking but the trio hurried up behind her and one yanked on the handle of her backpack, forcing her to stop walking. Stationary, she stared at the ground, watching as the freshly fallen autumnal leaves wavered gently in the cold air.
"What swan book are you reading today?"
"I'm reading The Silver Swan," Emma answered, raising her head to meet three callous faces. Her foster mother had taught her it was rude not to look at people when addressing them. But Emma didn't like eye contact. It was too intense. It made her feel uncomfortable. "It's very dark. It's about a girl who has to move away because someone in her family commits a murder. I won't tell you who because I don't want to give you a spoiler. But then she meets her step-brother and he's got lots of mean friends. And all the boys are meant to be very attractive and sexy but I don't think they are. I think girls are sexy."
Three stunned faces looked back at her, still not used to the blunt and open way the blonde spoke. Emma, for her part, didn't recognise that she had overshared some information which the bullies would pounce on. As far as she was concerned, she simply answered the question and told the truth.
"You're gay?" Vicky asked.
"Yes," Emma replied.
There was another pause and then Zelena started to laugh. "Oh my God, just when we thought you couldn't be more of a freak, you turn out to be a fucking lesbo. This is gold!"
Emma said nothing. Her eyes dropped again, confusion now bubbling inside her. What did the nasty redhead mean? Why was her sexuality gold? What was strange about being a lesbian? She was simply attracted to women; there was nothing odd about that.
"So, have you got a girlfriend, dyke?" Vicky asked.
"No," Emma replied.
"Why not? Can't find another lezzer in this town who finds crazy weirdos hot?" Zelena crooned. "Isn't that mousey chick who does close-up magic in the year above a homo? Maybe she'd fuck you, Swan."
"Can lesbians fuck?" Vicky questioned. "How does that even work? Surely you need a dick to have sex, right Regina?"
"I wouldn't know," Regina said, voice a little quieter than usual.
"Oh yeah, I forgot you and Robin were waiting," Vicky sneered. "Just do it already. You've been with him for, like, four weeks already. You don't want people to think you're uptight. Or a lesbian, right?"
"Fuck off," Regina snapped. "I'm not gay. And it's only been three weeks since we became official."
"Three weeks isn't a long time," Emma said, joining the conversation again. "It's important to love and trust someone before you have sex with them. You should never feel pressured into having sex and if your partner is trying to push you into doing something you're not ready for, you should end the relationship because that means they don't respect you."
Once again, three teens were stunned into silence. But it didn't take long for Vicky and Zelena to start to laugh. A few seconds later, Regina joined in.
"Oh you really are a freak. Robin isn't pressuring me into sex. But you," Regina looked Emma up and down before scoffing, "you'd be lucky to have someone want to have sex with you at all."
"Yeah, you're a dorky weirdo," Vicky added.
"Total freak. Nutjob. Except you don't like nuts, do you. Um, you're a total …," Zelena cast around for a pun on female genitalia but came up empty, "you're a total vaginajob."
"What does that mean?" Emma asked. She always asked when she heard a new expression which she didn't understand. It helped her understand idioms and other sayings which didn't make logical sense and therefore she struggled to interpret without help.
"It means you're a psycho who's never going to be fucked because you're unfuckable. Actually, you'll never be loved either because you're unloveable. That's why your real parents left you when you were a baby, right?"
Emma's status as a foster child was well known in the school, partly because she herself referred to Mary Margaret and David as her foster mother and father. But this was the first time her childhood circumstances had been used as an insult. The effect was instant. Eyes darkened, nostrils flared and her heartrate seemed to double instantly.
"I'm not unlovable. They made the mistake," Emma snarled. "They left me, it wasn't my fault." Her voice was rising now; other students walking to school stopped on the sidewalk to watch as the altercation became a spectacle. "I was a baby. I was innocent. It was my birth parents who couldn't love. It wasn't because of me. My foster parents love me. I CAN BE LOVED!" She was screaming now, her face red as the emotions and fear she had struggled with all her life rose to the surface once more. "I WILL FIND LOVE. I WILL HAVE MY OWN FAMILY AND I WILL NEVER DO TO MY BABY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME."
Regina, Vicky and Zelena watched, open mouthed as the blonde before them crouched down, arms wrapped around her shins as her body shook with emotion.
"One, two, three, four, five, pause," Emma chocked out, words mumbled into her knees. "One, two, three, four, five, pause. One, two, three, four, five, pause. One, two, three, four, five, pause. One, two, three, four, five, pause. One, two, three, four, five, pause. One, two, three, four, five, pause."
"She's gone mental," Vicky commented, taking a step back.
"I'M NOT CRAZY," Emma screamed, jumping to her as the counting method failed to calm her down. "I'M NORMAL. I'M NOT MAD."
She pushed her way roughly past the group, knocking Regina out of the way who fell backwards, Zelena catching her before she lost her footing entirely. With tears blurring her vision, Emma ran down the street towards the high school. But she didn't stop at the gate. She kept going. She ran, and ran, and ran, her backpack bouncing off her spine as her legs pounded the pavement, cold air stinging her face, dark thoughts plaguing her mind.
Only when the blonde was out of sight did Regina, Zelena and Vicky recommence their walk to school, laughing as they recounted the loss of control they had just witnessed.
A/N: Had to include a little nod to Judith Kerr in today's chapter! Awesome writer, awesome book!