A/N: sorry about the delay guys! Life happened. 100 years of life, in my Grandad's case!
The second hand looked like it was crawling even slower than usual around the clock face. Except it wasn't. She knew that. Time was constant. It was impossible to slow time. Yet, as Emma watched the thin sliver of metal glide around the clock face, she began to doubt that. Forcing her eyes back to her computer, she tried to focus on the document in front of her. It was a new piece of legislation which was being proposed with regards to marriage annulments and she needed to know its content to enable her to best advise the women in the shelter.
Eyes flicked back to the clock. "Seriously?" she muttered under her breath. How had only two minutes passed? She glowered at the clock, whose face remained unchanged except for the smooth movement of the second hand. Emma returned to her work, occasionally scribbling some notes on the pad beside her laptop. Three more minutes. Seventeen minutes to go.
A knock on the door startled Emma, wrenching her mind from the conversation she knew she was due to have. "Come in," she called after she had composed herself.
Ella's head appeared around the edge of the door. "Hey, there's a phone call for you. Do you want me to forward it? I know you said you didn't want to be disturbed."
"Who is it?"
"Ruby."
Emma frowned and reached for her cell phone. Sure enough, there were several messages and four missed calls from her best friend. "Yeah, I'll take it," Emma said, a feeling of dread overwhelming her and cursing herself for putting her phone on silent.
Seconds later, the desk phone rang. Emma picked it up before it had even finished the first trill sound. "Hey, are you ok?"
"Yes, no, I mean, yes I'm fine," Ruby said, her voice thick in the way that Emma knew mean the redhead was crying.
"What's wrong?"
"It's Granny. She's gone downhill. Doctors say she might not make it through the night. I'm on my way to the hospital now."
"Shit, do you want me to come and meet you?" Emma asked. She knew that was the right thing to say because Ruby had asked her the same question when her foster grandmother, David's mother, had been sick.
"No, it's fine. There's nothing you can do. I just wanted to let you know. And, well, I'm supposed to be working tonight."
"I'll cover you," Emma said without thinking. Much as she hated changing plans, she hated the idea that her best friend was upset even more. "Do you need me to do anything? Can I help?"
"No, I just want to be with her," Ruby sobbed.
"Where are you?"
"In an Uber," Ruby replied. "The driver thinks I'm crazy."
"You're upset," Emma reasoned. "Are you nearly at the hospital?"
Ruby nodded, then remembered she was on a phone call, so her flatmate couldn't see her answer. "Yes, about five minutes away."
"Ok, give your granny my love. And if you do need anything, ask me. I can drive over tomorrow morning after Ursula comes on shift if you like?"
"Thanks, I'm sorry to leave you in the lurch. I know you hate change."
"Don't be absurd," Emma replied. "There's nothing to be sorry for. Go and be with your granny and let me know of any news. I hope she pulls through."
Ruby dissolved into tears. Emma couldn't understand anything more which came through the speaker on her phone and eventually the call was disconnected. She stared at the blank screen for a moment, trying to gather herself, to understand what she was feeling. She didn't know Ruby's granny that well but the woman had always been kind to her. And death was always sad, right? That said, she didn't know for sure that the old woman was going to die but from the sounds of it, things didn't look good.
No, Emma was sad for her friend, for the imminent loss. Ruby had been raised by her grandmother and the woman was the only family member she had left. Emma might not have her own biological family and couldn't remember her early years in the orphanage before the Nolans adopted her but she understood loneliness. It was a feeling which consumed her childhood, crawling into her bones, coupled with a sense of not belonging. Compounded, Emma had been on edge, unsure of herself for much of her life, probably exacerbated by her autism. It was only after she started seeing her therapist and learning why her brain worked differently, alongside reaching an age where she could understand and contextualise what had happened to her as a child. Only then did she start, for the first time in her life, to understand and like herself. Well, most of the time.
Green eyes darted back to the clock. Less than one minute to go until her lunch break. Until the conversation. On the back of the phone call from Ruby, Emma suddenly wondered whether now was the right time. Should she wait? Should she go to the hospital in her lunch hour instead? To be with Ruby? But Ruby had said she didn't need to go. Was that just the polite thing to say? Did Ruby actually want her there?
But Emma had something she needed to do, needed to say. Standing up as soon as the second hand glided across the number twelve, Emma slotted her cell into her back pocket and left her office. "I'm just going for lunch," she informed Ella as she passed.
"Sure, is Ruby ok?" her colleague asked.
"No, her grandmother is dying," Emma replied shortly.
"Are you going to the hospital?"
"No," Emma said, unaware of how callous she sounded. Another feature of her autism. It wasn't that Emma didn't care. She cared deeply for Ruby and hated seeing her friend upset. But there was something upsetting Emma right now too and her brain appeared to want to focus solely on the conversation she had been planning since her discussion with her flatmate the night before.
She walked quickly down the corridor towards the common area. It was quiet; most women either at work or out and about for the day. She scanned the room but couldn't see Regina. Her stomach growled. Making her way to the kitchen, she quickly pulled out the ingredients she needed to make a sandwich and set to work. Cheese and ham placed neatly on the bottom piece of bread, Emma added the second and cut the sandwich perfectly in half from one corner to another. Triangles were better than rectangles. Dumping both pieces on a plate, Emma headed back to the corridor and towards Regina's bedroom.
Outside, she hesitated. One, two, three, four, five, pause. One, two, three, four, five, pause. Knuckles rapped on the wood before she picked up half her lunch and took a bite. She was still chewing when the door swung open. "Emma, hi," Regina beamed.
"We need to talk," Emma said at once. "Can I come in?"
The smile on Regina's lips faltered but she nodded and stepped aside to allow the blonde to enter. Emma did so, glancing around and taking a seat on the single chair which was in the room. Regina remained standing by the door.
"Um, is everything ok?" she asked when Emma took another bite of her sandwich without saying anything.
"Ruby's granny is dying."
"What? Is Ruby ok?"
"No," Emma replied, frowning at the stupidity of the question. "But I wanted to talk to you about something else. About us, actually."
"Oh, ok," Regina said slowly, sitting down on the edge of Henry's bed. "So, is everything ok with us?"
"I need to tell you something."
Regina swallowed and nodded, a sense of dread filling what felt like her very soul. "Ok."
"It's about Maine. Actually, it's about what happened after I left Maine. After prom, after we …"
"Kissed," Regina supplied when the word didn't form on Emma's lips.
"Yes. And then you said those things about it being a joke, about it being gross, about everything you said to me being a lie."
"Emma, I didn't mean them," Regina said at once. "I was scared that my so-called friends would realise that I was attracted to girls. I was embarrassed about my sexuality, although I know I shouldn't have been. I'm sorry I said what I did but you know it wasn't true, right?"
"I know that now, yes," Emma nodded. "But at the time, I believed what you said. I believed you had done what you did for a joke, to trick me. I left that room confused and hurt and angry and I ran. I ran home, I ran to my bedroom and I cried all night. Then next morning my foster parents tried to get me to talk about what had happened but I couldn't; I shut down."
"Emma, I -"
"Please, let me say this," the blonde interrupted. Regina snapped her mouth closed and nodded her agreement. "We drove back to New York, back to our old house which had been rented out for the two years we'd been away. It was supposed to be familiar, comforting to be back in my childhood bedroom but I felt like a stranger in my own home. I stopped talking. I barely ate. My foster parents didn't know what to do. My therapist came to visit me each week but I wouldn't say a word. I just sat in my room all day. I read, I listened to music sometimes but I wasn't really taking any of it in. And I slept. I slept so much that summer."
"Fall came and I was supposed to go college. I had a place at NYU to study psychology but I deferred it. I couldn't leave the house, let alone attend lectures. My foster parents got really worried. I overheard them one day discussing whether to have me committed to a psych unit. I freaked out, screamed at them about abandoning me, about me being unloveable and not having a place in the world and ran back up to my room, barricading myself in and only coming out in the middle of the night to eat and use the bathroom. But at least I'd spoken. They saw that as progress even though the things I said made them even more concerned."
The words pierced Regina's heart. She knew why Emma had said those things. They were the insults and teasing remarks she and her former friends had thrown at a vulnerable teenage girl. Guilt welled up inside her as tears began to form in her eyes. Emma, however, wasn't looking at Regina and continued, gaze focused on the half of a sandwich left on the plate, balanced on her knees.
"My therapist started coming to the house each day. I wouldn't let him in to see me and he used to stand in the corridor and talk at me through the door. After a month, he told my foster parents he was worried and wanted a second opinion. But the other therapist who came couldn't get me to talk either. In the end, she gave up and Archie returned, coming every other day and just talking about anything and everything, waiting for me to say something in return."
"And did you?" Regina asked.
"Eventually. It was almost Christmas, I think. There was snow falling outside the window. I remember watching the flakes as I listened to Archie. I always listened to him, his words soothed me somehow but they weren't enough to make me come out of my room. I was safe in my room. No one could hurt me in there. And no one could leave me. But eventually, over time, I started to take in what he said, the shattered pieces of my self-confidence slowly rebuilding. I remember the look of shock on his face when the door opened at last. He came in and sat on my bed and we started to talk. He was the first person I'd really spoken to since you that night. Almost six months had passed. My throat hurt, my voice sounded strange to my own ears. He stayed a long time, late into the night. I didn't tell him what had happened that night at prom at first but a few weeks later I confided in him."
Emma paused and licked her dry lips, remembering that harsh winter. She barely left the house, her body weakened from months cooped up in her bedroom. Slowly, she regained her strength and started to eat meals with her foster parents. Once or twice, she walked to the local park with her foster father as the warmth of spring seeped into the air. By summer, she had started jogging again, her condition limiting but the endorphins she released from the exercise felt invigorating.
"I went to Manhattan College in the end, rather than NYU. I wasn't confident enough to live away from home that first year so I stayed with my foster parents and drove in each day. I didn't attend all my lectures. I had good and bad days. Sometimes the thought of leaving the house was too overwhelming. I had panic attacks too, particularly before seminars when I knew I might be asked a question and have to speak in front of a group. But then I met Ruby and I made my first friend. My first real friend, anyway. We moved in to a crummy student house together in second year, not far from where my foster parents were and I used to come home at weekends. Ruby was a lifesaver. She built me back up, she helped me to learn how to live independently. Shopping, cooking, things most people take for granted but for me seemed like insurmountable obstacles."
"It took time but eventually I regained some sense of self. And then I met Becky. She was my first girlfriend. It took me a long time to accept that she really did like me; that she wasn't just leading me on for a prank. Ruby, my foster mom, everyone had to tell me it was real, that Becky really did want to be in a relationship with me. That self-doubt slowly ebbed away and we started dating. It was the first time in my life I allowed someone into my life in such an intimate way. It was scary but exciting and Becky was amazing. We broke up after college when she moved out of state but it wasn't the confidence knock I always feared the end of a relationship would be. And I still had Ruby and my foster parents. I was finally back on track and life was good. I started working, I set up Swan's Shelter, my life was exactly as I wanted it to be. And then you showed up."
A tear dripped down Regina's cheek. She had no idea where this conversation was going but she couldn't imagine it was anywhere good. "And me showing up was a bad thing?"
"At the time, yes," Emma nodded. "I was stunned, to be honest. Seeing you was a trigger, it sent me back to that dark time. Not just Maine but the months which followed, a time in my life where I didn't know myself. Not having a sense of self is a scary experience. I hated who I was during that time and I hated you for making me into that person. I don't hate you now," Emma added quickly, "but I realised that you didn't know about that chapter in my life and I think it's important you have all the facts and understand everything in my past if … if we're going to have a future together."
Regina's mouth gaped open like something out of a comic strip. "A future? You still want a future with me?"
"I do," Emma nodded. "And I know it doesn't make sense but I do want us to be together. I've spent much of my life working on my sense of self. I probably know who I am more than most people know who they are. It's part of the autism, I suppose. I'm over-analytical. But it also means I know what I do and don't want. I don't want our past to affect our future, Regina. I want to move forwards. I don't want to look at you and think about that time but there's not much I can do to stop it. My memories are always going to be there so when something happens with us to make me feel anxious or self-conscious, I'm going to slip to a dark place. But you can pull me back. You make me feel safe and wanted and those are two really important things for me."
"But I also made you feel unwanted, unloveable," Regina frowned. "I don't understand how you could possibly feel the way you say you do about me if I've also done such damage in your life."
"I don't understand it either," Emma admitted. "But I do accept it. Whatever you've made me feel, good or bad, it's always been powerful. You had a profound impact on me when I was a teenager and yes, it wasn't positive. But now, after years of self-development and personal growth, your reconnection with me is completely different. It is positive now, Regina. You make me happy, really happy. But before we move forwards, I knew I needed to tell you everything. This isn't just about me, it's about you too and it wasn't fair for you not to know all the demons in my past."
"Demons?" Fresh tears leaked down Regina's red cheeks.
"No, not you," Emma said quickly. "You're not a demon. I meant psychological demons."
"That I caused."
Emma cocked her head. "Perhaps, once upon a time. But I conquered them, for the most part. That said, if this is something you need to think about, if you need time to process what I've told you, that's fine. In fact, I ought to go and finish my lunch anyway before I start working again." She nodded towards the half a sandwich, forgotten on the plate on her lap.
"So, what does this mean for us?" Regina asked as Emma got to her feet, plate in hand.
"It means I want to be with you. I've forgiven you for what you did in Maine, for what came afterwards. I'm happy, I'm confident in myself, for the most part, and I have come to terms with my past. But I need to know whether you can forgive yourself and get to a place where we can both move on from our history and be on the same page when it comes to our future."
"And what do you see? In our future?"
Emma reached out and cupped Regina's jaw, eyes scanning the beautiful woman's tearstained face. "I see you, me and Henry, my own little family. We're happy, we're supportive, we're committed and we're … in love."
Fingers slid further backwards, curling around the nape of Regina's neck as the blonde pulled her gently closer. Regina's red-rimmed eyes closed just before Emma's lips brushed against her own. The kiss was tender, short but full of emotion. Emma was the one who broke it as she stepped away and turned towards the door.
"I'm working Ruby's shift tonight," Emma said just before she stepped out into the corridor. "Maybe we can have dinner? Talk?"
Regina nodded mutely as she watched Emma close the door, leaving the brunette alone with her jumbled, confused, painful thoughts.
A/N: I'm building towards something, by the way.