Chapter 18: What The Shit

The unusual instability in the other systems EDI mentioned had the rest of the Engineering crew working double time, each scan, each calibration was checked and rechecked. Danilles and Donnelly were pushing every test they could think of and more taken from Tali's Great Book of Engineering. If anyone knew the ins and outs of complete mass effect cores and ships engines it was the quarians. Their whole lives centered on not only maintaining their ships but often doing complete overhauls and integrating ship parts from totally alien systems and making them function as a cohesive whole.

On the Bridge Joker was going through his own scans. He pushed several windows on the amber guai interface of the helm whilst shaking his head. "I'm telling you EDI your readings are off. It's a radiation leak, just white noise."

"I have detected a signal embedded in the static." The AI was incessantly argumentative. "We are transmitting the Normandy's location."

Joker frowned. This wasn't good. "Transmitting? To whom?" For a second all Joker could do was to stare at the blue and white shimmering feminized holo image of EDI

"The collectors." The answer was straight forward and even. Joker opened his mouth to say something when the Normandy shuddered suddenly. Then there it was, the massive ship (that always reminded Joker of a giant space turd) dropping out of FTL almost on top of them.

"Shit!" Joker's hands were a flurry of motion over the helm. "I'm getting us out of here!"

EDI auto activated red alert at the same time almost prosaically announcing "The propulsion system is off line. I am detecting a virus in the ship's computers."

The ship erupted into action, the entire crew on every decks scrambled to action stations, going for the weapon lockers, slamming M-8 Avenger Assault rifles into the hands of the troopers. M-6 Carnifax hand cannons into the hands of the crew that had the minimal of field training. Marines positioned themselves at every blast doors waiting for the inevitable boarding party.

Urz positioned himself between Kelly and the danger. Red Mane- Giver of Treats was his mistress's pack-mate and she always gave him treats. He liked the treats. He had to protect her. It wasn't just the treats. Mistress made her a pack-mate.

On the bridge Joker was still trying to evade the collector's turd ship. He all but snapped at the hologram, "From the IFF?! Damn it EDI! Why didn't you scrub it!?"

EDI didn't answer that question but continued her grocery list of faulty systems. "Primary weapons systems are off line. We can save the Normandy Mr. Monroe, but you must help me."

The ship rocked as if something had hit it hard. Docking clamps…had to be. Joker looked over his shoulder but the blast door between the Normandy's Bridge and the CIC had automatically slammed shut and locked. He was only able to look down the long 'neck' with its blinking amber running lights and nothing more.

"Give me the ship." EDI said.

"WHAT? You're crazy!" Joker's voice cracked. "You start singing Daisy Bell and I'm done."

"Unlock my sealed data base and I can initiate counter measures." EDI insisted, ignoring the obvious plug to rise to the bait. "The maintenance shaft in the science lab will allow you passage to the AI core."

Joker's fingers danced over the interface, there was literally nothing he could do here save for locking the helm controls. Pushing his brittle boned body out of the ergonomically designed chair took more effort than it would have a fully physically able bodied person and longer. It was time he did not have.

He looked down the long neck that separated the Bridge from the CIC and thought there was no way his glass bones would allow him to run. The amber lights had now converged into a single line of flashing red. To Joker it may as well have been blood red because it was going to be his soon enough decorating the hallway.

"The main passages are no longer safe." EDI said as if reading or perhaps a better more accurate term was 'scanning' his brain. "The collectors have boarded, Mr. Monroe. The emergency lighting will guide you." She sounded worried-and that worried Joker.

Joker looked at the long glowing line. "God damn it!" He moved a swiftly as possible, favoring his right side, as he always did. It was eerie how the CIC looked with the crew gone. Near the galaxy map there was a body. At first he thought it was Kelly….but the woman had black hair not ginger.

"Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit." Still on the far side of the room Joker hobbled towards 'Mordin's Hangout'. He drew around the oblong galaxy map saw Kelly (thank god she's still alive his hind brain blurted) and two of the marines and always seemed to share the same shift guarding the CIC. Miller and Jackson. Then there was Urz. The varren's throat burbled in a deep growl that erupted past the slathering jaws filled with razor sharp stiletto like teeth. Every muscle quivering in the anticipation to strike his prey.

It all happened so quickly. The lift doors opened. From within was a high pitched screech, causing Joker to spin his head around at the thing the made it. Close up the creature was nothing short of a monster. Its mouth filled with the screaming severed human heads of its victims.

"What the hell is that!?" Joker choked out. He had heard Shepard and the other share horror stories of the new husks, abominations that went all kamikaze when they got close to their targets, the buggy collector drones, guardians and assassins that Harbinger notoriously seized control over. But in those stories the worst were the biotic scions, and there was the mutant monster crabs from hell. Mordin called them praetorians. To see one up close…

SHIT!

Mordin's fancy word didn't half cover describe what that…that thing was. Mutant monster crabs from hell just about did.

"Go Joker, we'll hold out as long as we can!" Miller shouted. He got off one round before the monster crab from hell pounced on him. Urz charged the monster going for the crustacean-bug's pincer leg. The force of impact and the sheer power of veran jaw-lock was enough to tear the spindly limb off the mutant monster crab from hell.

The praetorian bellowed in rage and pain. Ebony blood splattered the floors, the monster and Urz as if someone had dropped an open can on of oozing black paint. Its clawed arm stabbed down reaching frantically at the fishdog still tearing its carapace. Cruel pincers grabbed Urz around the middle and squeezed.

Urz let-out one pitiful high-pitched cry as his spine had been snapped in two. The now limp body was cast aside towards the armory doors were it bounced of the bulkhead once, and with a sickening onomatopoeic flibflab-skaplate flopped to the floor. Kelly's scream snapped Joker's attention off the dead veran back to the yeomen struggling to free herself from the Mutant monster crab from hell's grip. She never even fired off a shot from her sidearm.

….Shit!

"KELLY!"

"Help me!" she screamed the panic in her voice thick and clotted.

Joker didn't even have a gun. He couldn't help her. Bile rose in his throat realizing she was going to end up just like poor Urz…Fear oozed into every pore

SHIT! SHIT! WHAT THE SHIT?

Jackson was still alive. He was firing as many shots from his M-8 Avenger as he could. The sound of the assault rifle's constant fire snapped the pilot's attention back to moment.

"Hurry Joker! Go!" The man shouted then cried out as the monster-mutant-crab thing jumped him.

It all happened in the span of three heartbeats, enough time for Joker to bear witness to Jackson's assault and capture before the doors of the science lab closed behind him. Jackson's screams of terror and pain filled Joker's ears living there along side Kelly's terror and Urz's death cry.

"Shit!" Joker cursed his fragile body for the hundredth time since he made this agonizingly slow- frantic dash to the lab. He just about neared the access hatch to the crawlspace when outside one of the port windows that overlooked engineering was another one of the mutant monster crabs from hell.

'Windows are structural weakness' Legions voice suddenly and unwantingly echoed in Joker's hindbrain.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" But he made it, got down the ladder just before the mutant monster crab from hell burst into science lab. Unlike others who could support their own weight as they slid down the rails of the ladder, Joker had to climb one torturous rung after torturous rung.

Shit! Shit! Shit! The length between the two decks was impossibly long. He felt at least three of his fingers snap and …there…goes a toe….AHUGH…yep that was a rib…all micro factures…but fuck it hurt. Once he touched foot at the bottom of the rail he activated his Omni tool and filled his body with medi-gel.

He exited near the port side observation deck's storage area. He had only a slight moment to catch his breath before he hobbled forward.

"Multiple hostiles detected throughout the crew deck." EDI piped up.

"Tell me something I don't know." Joker quipped rounding the bulk head that separated the lift from the mess hall.

"Joker! This deck is crawling with those things." Corporal Colt echoed EDI's announcement. "Stay close, I'll protect you." that being said Colt sprinted ahead like the animal he shared a name with, forgetting that Joker was already at top speed.

More screams. Crew members were snatched away by monsters with bulbous heads and with what looked like gatling guns grafted to their left arms. If that weren't bad enough they were glowing with the ever familiar blue glow of dark energy.

Shit shit shit. They were fucking biotics! Shit! Shit…Shit! One mass effect sneeze from one of those gatling-bubble-headed glowing fuckers and he was finished.

There were at least three of the gatling-bubble-headed glowing fuckers near the XO's, quarters and there were two more in the mess hall. Colt was engaging shots with one of them letting Joker hobble as swiftly as possible into the Medbay. The whole room was in disarray Files were thrown about as if Dr. Chakwas tried to hurl as many of her three ring binder files at the gatling-bubble-headed glowing fuckers before they snatched her.

"Main fusion plant off line." EDI announced. "Activating emergency fuel cells."

"What the shit!" When the hell did the med bay get sooo fucking long? First bed…second…third…AI Core! He opened the door, slipped though and sealed the door behind him.

"Alright I'm at the aah…you." Joker announced giving a look around him, waiting for the collectors to pounce on him, waiting for EDI to start singing Daisy Bell.

Popping up in her holographic avatar from behind him EDI spoke: "Connect the core to Normandy's Primary Control Module."

"Great this is where it starts." Joker mumbled dejectedly but otherwise complying. "We're just all organic batteries and guess who gets the blame." he deepened his voice in some conjured admiral's voice. "This is all Joker's fault. What a tool he was. I have to spend all day computing Pi because he plugged in the Overlord."

As soon as he was finished the eight and half inch holographic 'woman' disappeared in a azure bitmap flash. Then the room when utterly black He heard the strange binary sounds of Normandy's computers all jabbering at once. In the next moment the chittering-clacking sounds dissipated and the lights came back on

"I have access to defensive systems. Thank you Mr. Monroe."

Was it his imagination or was there more emotional inflection in EDI's words?

He looked around him but stopped scanning the room for the Overlord when EDI's glowing white and blue hologram appeared before him. Right about now he was more grateful than before that Tali had by Shepards orders replaced the eyeball talking vagina with that of something that looked like the human version of the Citadel's Avina VI.

"Now you must activate the primary drive in Engineering."

Joker grimaced. "Augh…you want me to go crawling through the ducts again"

Deadpanned EDI responded with "I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees."

The grimace turned into a full out scowl and not little bit of underlying horror.

"That is a joke." EDI swiftly explained.

"Right." Joker wasn't buying it.

"The shaft behind you connects to the Engineering Deck. Good Luck." There was genuine warmth in the last two words. Wasn't there?

He looked behind him, sighed and started yet another crawl down the long shaft that separated the crew deck from engineering. If anything this climb seemed longer than the last. The medi-gel might have stabilized some of the micro-fractures his last venture down the ladders had cost him. Now he had more to add to the list.

The ladder ended about five feet from the ground. Joker looked down and winced. The ladder would have gone all the way to the deck but Jack had removed the last tier. Shepard hadn't too pleased with it but she allowed it. After all you had to treat a psychotic biotic with kid gloves and if that meant giving into a small concession of removing a section of a ladder then so be it. Besides the stacked shipping crates provided enough of a boost the missing five feet didn't matter-unless you suffered from brittle-bone disease.

Joker closed his eyes tight, stealing himself for the snap-crack of broken bone and the inevitable pain that came with it. Looking down studying the best option to drop that would leave most of his bones intact. He thought he had it when Miss Budinski piped up again.

"Hostiles are present in Engineering!" EDI said. Where there was once a ghost of warmth in the mechanical voice there now seemed to be genuine worry. "They are heading towards the Cargo Bay."

"Got it." Joker bit out just as he landed on the crate Jack used as a table.

SNAP!

That was his left ankle-thankfully it wasn't massive break. Oh and that was another toe…And his two more finger fractures as he tried to study himself as he landed. Climbing down off the crates CRACK! There went another rib.

He fractured his thumb again as he activated the Omni-tool's medi-gel injectors. Pain relief drugs filled his systems as the gel went to work to stabilize recent injuries.

Through the ship the echoes of collector screeches and crew screams and gun fire ricocheted within Joker's ears. He'd never get rid of that sound.

He was about to mount the second set of stairs when he saw one of the shadows of the gatling-bubble-headed glowing fuckers looming above him. He hissed air through his teeth and held his breath waiting for the shadow to pass over. He climbed one flight and paused, turned and watched as two of the gatling-bubble-headed glowing fuckers passed through the hall between them were those strange cocoons Shepard told him about, the ones they found on Horizon and millions of them on the collector ship. Inside were his fellow crew members and friends.

"Engineering is clear of hostiles. Proceed immediately to minimize chances of detection." EDI ordered. Right now it was so hard to hear the VI mechanized voice past his heart beat pounding relentlessly in his eardrums.

Hobbling Joker reached the station he knew belonged to Tali. "Activate the drive and I will open the air locks as we accelerate. All hostiles will be killed."

"What?!" fucking machine. He knew…he knew releasing the AI was a mistake… "What about the crew?!" he snarled.

"They are gone Jeff." EDI's voice held the same warmth it had moments ago. Joker wasn't imagining it this time. It was definitely there. She never used his first name…never… "The collectors took them."

Joker shook his head, his eyes closed. The there was no time to pause, to be pissed to be lamentative. "Shit…" His pause wasn't leisurely nor was it as frantically hurried as it once was as the pilot made his way to the Normandy's massive drive core.

"I am sealing Engine Room Two," EDI said.

Joker nodded and issued the command that would hand over the entire ship to EDI. It less time it takes to inhale air. EDI stated: "I have control."

The mass effect core hummed loudly, the power brilliant—blinding and in a shot without warning the Normandy bulked and shot into FTL. The force of the sudden acceleration knocked Joker back on to his ass, he felt several small bones fracture as he landed on the deck plating.

How long did he stay there? He didn't know but his whole body ached.

"Purge is complete. No other life forms on board. Securing airlocks on Cargo Bay doors."

It took Joker a full three minutes to rise to his feet, a moment longer to find his thoughts. "Send a message to Shepard's shuttle. Tell her what happened." he wandered to the core drive control panel and felt the weight of everything that had just happened come crashing down on him. He leaned forward taking the weight of his head in his hands as he scrubbed his face with his finger tips.

"Message away." EDI declared. "Are you feeling alright Jeff?" there was that concern again. There was no mistaking it.

Rising up, Joker shook his head and limped back towards the doors of Engineering. "No. But thanks for asking."

He was quiet as he wandered back to medbay. Grabbed a few packs of medigel and started to dose himself. It'd have to do until he got real help. Thankfully Mordin was still around. The old salarian might be half mad scientist but he knew medicine nearly as well perhaps even better than Chakwas. Once he got back the old doc could do more than this quick patch job.

Shit Shit shit…the last thing Shepard said to him before she left on her little side mission was that the Normandy was his and he should take care of her.

Great frigging start of his first day as temp XO. Lost the crew nearly lost the ship and he unleashed a friggin Cerberus AI….

"Let me know when Shepard gets back." He murmured into the air before taking to one of the beds. His body was screaming out in pain. He had no idea how many micro fractures he had but best let the medigel work its marvels.

What seemed like only seconds passing Joker was a little more than surprised to discover it had been at least two and a half hours before Shepard and the rest of the flagship team made it back to the Normandy.

Groggy from pain and stress Joker made his way to the CIC deck, He knew his CO. the Commander would want to take this meeting in the war room. He needed to sit down, but there were no chairs. Shepard liked to hold her meetings standing up around the briefing table. It prevented people from becoming too relaxed, made to stand the crew had to pay rapt attention. Shepard said it made people more honest if they had to remain on their feet.

But right now Joker didn't care, his spine was still bitching at him for landing on it after the sudden acceleration and jump to FLT. So he used what remaining strength he had and hoisted himself upon to the tabletop and sat down. Next to him in her eight and a half inch tall holograph as a very concerned looking EDI.

No sooner was he seated with his hands clasped together in a pseudo prayer that Shepard and Garrus entered the war room. She said noting to him but only paced back and forth. Saying nothing. That made it worse. Garrus folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the bulkhead facing the door.

A moment later Miranda burst in. Despite the fact Garrus was the XO it was Lawson that spoke. "Everyone!? You lost everyone? And damned near lost the ship too?"

"I know alright?" Joke shot back defensively. "I was here."

"It's not his fault Miranda." Garrus defended the pilot. "None of us caught it."

"Mr. Vakarian is correct. The harmful data in the collector drive was even more sophisticated hack than the black box Reaper virus I was given." EDI piped up—also on the defensive.

"I heard it was a rough ride." Shepard said in her most genteel manner. "How are you holding up?"

Joker paused. "There's a lot of empty chairs in here." He said meaning the Normandy as a whole not the war room.

"We did everything we could, Jeff." EDI said comfortingly. Was it just everyone's imagination or did her holomatrix just grow an inch in and half. From the very tone of her voice if she could have reached out and actually physically touch Joker on the shoulder she most certainly would have.

"Yeah…thanks…Mom." Joker's voice was still defeated.

Shepard looked to the AI. "Is the ship clean? We can't risk this happening again."

Joker looked to the Spectre. "EDI and I purged the systems. The Reaper IFF is on line and you can go through the Omega Four relay whenever you want."

Miranda own arms were crossed over her chest where as Garrus stance had been one of relaxed reposes Lawson's was defiant. "Don't even get me started on unshackling a damned AI.

"Well what can I do against collectors?" Joker snapped. "Break my arm at them?" he fierce contorted into an expression of anger. "EDI cleared the ship." He hopped down off the table, wincing as he felt his bones twitch at the landing no matter how soft. "She's alright."

"I assure you, I am still bound by protocols in my programming. Even if I were not, you are my crewmates."

Shepard took a breath before going on to say: "EDI's had plenty of opportunities to kill us, we need all the help we can get."

"Sounds like everything we need to rescue the crew." Garrus stated.

Miranda nodded. "We've done everything we can. Its time to take the fight to the collectors."

"I'll give the orders soon. Get to your stations and prepare for general quarters."

"Great here we go again/" Joker shook his head. "Hit the map whenever you're ready Commander." Joker's voce was dejected.

The rest was silence.