Chapter 17: (Tell Me) Your Name
IF groaned as her eyes fluttered, finally regaining consciousness. She pushed herself up and noticed something wasn't quite right. Her arms felt… lighter… than usual. When she took a look at them, she saw that she was no longer wearing her favorite oversized coat and was instead outfitted with a gray hoodie. Her midriff was exposed and her skin was an awfully pale. She looked in front of her and her eyes widened with shock at the sight- her very own body, standing in front of her.
"Ugh… what the hell just happened?", IF's body said. The "reflection" rubbed her head and looked around until she paused, her eyes now fixated on IF. "Oh, you've gotta be friggin' kidding me…"
A crowd began to look on in confusion, their curiosity piqued by the sudden bright flash that occurred between the two girls.
"...Let's talk about this outside", IF suggested. Though reluctant, her body (now being occupied by the underling) followed her.
Now at a comfortable distance from the crowd, they continued their mutual freakout.
"What the hell did you do?!", Underling blurted out.
IF shrugged. "Don't go blaming this on me. I'm just as confused as you are."
Underling fanned herself with IF's sleeves before just taking the coat off completely. "How the hell do you run around with this thing everywhere?"
IF lowered Underling's mouse hood. "I could say the same to you. I mean really, a rat? What's the deal with that?"
"I'm not about to take fashion advice from some broad who can't even wear clothes the right size!", Underling barked.
"T-there's nothing wrong with that! It's stylish, and allows me to gracefully defeat anyone I come across while being super comfy!", IF replied.
Underling scoffed. "Who the hell cares about that sort of crap? Just whack 'em in the head and be done with it."
IF crossed her arms. "I guess since you're an underling, you're too cowardly to do anything other than hit and run."
"Says the chick who calls herself 'dust in the wind' or whatever", Underling said.
"Gust of Wind", IF sighed, "And there's a huge difference between dancing around your foes and running away from them."
"Not like you'd go very far with this stupid heavy coat on", Underling grumbled.
"You'll get used to it. Wait, no you won't!", IF blurted out, "We need to find a way to reverse this thing!"
"And how in the unholy hell are we supposed to do that?!", Underling groaned.
IF held her chin (or rather, Underling's chin) in quiet contemplation. "I think I know someone who can help. Give me my phone."
Underling looked around, with a confused look on her face. "Where do you keep your phone?"
"In one of the pouches. Here, I'll just get it myself." IF walked over and reached into one of the pouches, gripping her phone before pulling her hand out. She then proceeded to dial a number and brought the phone to her ear. It rang only once before being picked up. "Cave here."
"Hey, Cave. Sorry to bother you so soon, but I'm in a little predicament", IF said.
"You call this little?!", Underling said, in the background. IF rolled her eyes before explaining what happened to Cave.
"I see", Cave replied, "May I suggest a visit to Mistress Gust?"
"I thought about that, but I don't wanna owe here another favor", IF sighed.
"Who gives a crap? Any favor we'd have to do is totally worth it!", Underling shouted.
IF sighed and said "goodbye" to Cave before hanging up. She kept her phone to herself instead of handing it back to Underling.
"So? Where we goin'?", Underling muttered.
"Would you shut up already?", IF snapped, "I'm still pissed about you stealing my bike, you know. You're not exactly in the position to rush me."
Underling flinched in embarrassment. "I-I said I'm sorry, okay?", she muttered, "It wasn't anything personal."
"Sheesh. Don't you have a conscience? Why the hell would you agree to steal someone's stuff in the first place?", IF asked.
"I've gotta pay the bills somehow, dammit!", Underling said.
IF squinted her eyes. "Haven't you tried getting a job?"
Underling stared at the ground. "Of course I have. I almost never get any call-backs at all."
"Gee, you're that desperate, huh?", IF said with a sigh.
"I tried doing things the right way, and I've got nothing to show for it", Underling muttered.
"You're the common denominator. Maybe you're the problem", IF suggested.
Underling shook her head. "Not that I expected a squeaky clean broad like you to understand."
IF sighed before turning around. "C'mon. We've got an alchemist to see."
The reluctant body-swapped duo made their way to Gust's shop post-haste. They were both silent as they traveled. Whether it was because of the tension between them, or simply having nothing to talk about was unknown. Once they were before the small alchemist, they explained what happened.
Gust nodded until IF and Underling finished talking. "A freaky Friday indeed", she said.
Underling eyed the small girl up in confusion, doubting her abilities to help them at all.
"Do you think you can fix this?", IF asked.
"Hm. This is pretty tricky. My alchemy doesn't have that kind of magic", Gust explained. IF and Underling both sighed in disappointment.
"Don't you know any other broads who can fix this?", Underling blurted out.
Gust turned to Underling. "Not quite. Perhaps a sorcerer of some sort would be more helpful?"
"Figures. Well, thanks for the advice", IF replied.
Gust waved as IF and Underling made their leave. "If you need some kind of potions, you know where to find me!"
Once outside, Underling began to grumble. "Whose ass do we have to kick so we can get this switcheroo crap fixed?! Who did I piss off to deserve this?! Why can't things just go smoothly for once?!"
"Would you shut up? You don't see me whining about all of this, do you?", IF interrupted, "Don't you have any friends who could help?"
Underling stared at IF for a moment, in silence. "...Wait. There's that crazy chick who was looking for that soda."
IF paused for a second. "You mean MAGES.?"
Underling nodded. "Yeah, with the blue hair and a witch hat."
"Good idea. I'll give her a call", IF replied. She dialed a number on her phone and waited patiently for MAGES. to answer.
"Greetings. Who is this?", MAGES.'s voice said.
"It's me, IF. I just helped you find Doc P earlier."
"Password?", MAGES. muttered.
"Password? What do you mean?", IF said, confused.
"Oh, I know this one", Underling said. "It was something like… El, Sigh, Kangaroo…?"
"Close enough", MAGES. replied, "Do you have need of my assistance?"
IF smiled at Underling as she spoke into the phone. "Do you happen to know anything about switching bodies?"
"Hm", MAGES. replied, "I believe I've dabbled in such experiments before. Why?"
"Me and Underling switched bodies somehow", IF muttered.
"...Underling? Oh, you must mean my temporary assistant", MAGES. said, "...Very well. Meet me at the electronics store at this and that avenue."
After that, MAGES. closed the phone. IF sighed. "Doesn't anyone say 'bye' anymore?"
"Who the hell cares? Let's go and have this crap resolved already", Underling blurted out.
IF scoffed. "It's not like I'm enjoying this either."
The reluctant duo arrived at the meeting spot post-haste, eager to put an end to this odd conundrum. They looked around for a few minutes before finally finding the mad magician.
"So, you've come…", MAGES. muttered.
"The hell are you on about? You already knew we were coming", Underling barked, with IF's mouth.
MAGES. looked back and forth between the two girls. "I see… so you truly managed to switch bodies."
IF nodded. "Any idea how to solve this?"
The blue-haired magician held her chin in quiet contemplation. "I believe we can use the devices here to create a homemade body switching device."
"Can you really do that?", IF asked.
"Fufufu… do not underestimate me. I am MAGES., the mad magician! Such a task is trivial for me!", MAGES. said, striking a pose.
IF stared in disbelief, surprised to meet someone other than Nisa who posed unironically in public. She looked at Underling, who looked back at IF, silently exchanging the same thought among themselves before looking back at MAGES.
MAGES. continued, "Give me but a few moments. I shall demonstrate the scope of my abilities through magic, and science! Fufufu… hahahaha!"
MAGES. began to tinker a nearby microwave as IF and Underling gazed on. It wasn't long before MAGES. proudly turned around and showed them her latest invention.
"Behold… the FGL-007, Body Switcher!", MAGES. announced.
"It looks like a damn microwave", Underling blurted out.
"Well, she did use an actual microwave", IF shrugged.
MAGES. adjusted her hat. "What was once a kitchen appliance, is now a tool that defies the very fabric of creation... Come, see for yourself." She approached the device and picked up a helmet. When she turned around, IF and Underling had taken a few steps back.
"I see… so you're not convinced", MAGES. muttered.
IF crossed her arms. "Are you sure that thing's safe?"
MAGES. nodded. "I am 90% sure."
"What's the other 10% supposed to be?", Underling asked.
"It's possible… that your brains would melt instead", MAGES replied.
IF and Underling stared back at the magician in shock.
"Come now, I'm merely joking", MAGES. chuckled, "I'm 95% sure."
"Let's just get this over with", IF shrugged. IF walked up and pulled back the hood Underling normally has over her head, before picking up one of the helmets and placing it onto her (Underling's) head. Underling, in IF's body, was more hesitant. After a deep sigh, she followed suit and put the remaining helmet on.
Both of their helmets were hooked up to a microwave, which was connected to a telephone landline. "Let's make this quick before security sees us. I haven't actually paid for any of this stuff", MAGES. blurted out. Before her two test subjects could say anything, she took out her phone and dialed a number. The phone connected to the microphone rang, causes the microwave itself to turn on. The microwave produced an electric shock to both girls wearing the pair of helmets.
After a few moments, their minds went blank. When they came to, they were both on the ground with MAGES. looking over them.
"Did it… work?", IF mumbled. She sat up and looked at her hands... Or rather, Underling's hands.
"I should've known you were all talk…", Underling groaned.
MAGES. closed her eyes and thought to herself. "Odd. This should've been a resounding success. Perhaps if I… yes…" She nodded to herself as she began to mumble unintelligibly. As she continued to think out loud, IF and Underling got up and removed their helmets.
MAGES. continued to mumble. "Mhm. Yes. I see now. Hehehe." She looked up and made eye contact with the two girls. "Twenty-four hours. That's how long I need to get this to work. Mark my words, I shall hack into the gates of fate and find the perfect solution! ...Hehehe. Hahaha! Mwahahahaha!"
"Like hell I'm gonna run around with someone else's mug!", Underling barked.
"Not like we have a choice", IF sighed.
"What are we supposed to do? Pretend to be each other until tomorrow?", Underling replied.
IF crossed her arms. "You mean like what you did back on the boat?", IF asked, "I can't do that. I know nothing about you." She sighed and shook her head. "How about we meet up with my party? We'll just explain everything to them and wait this out."
"...Sure, why not. Not like I have to go back to work tomorrow", Underling said.
Soon after the two exited the electronics store, they bumped into RED.
"Iffy! And… wait, aren't you that cute punk girl who pretended to be Iffy?", RED asked.
"Listen, RED. We switched bodies. We found someone who can help, but they said they need a day to figure it out", IF said.
RED stared at Underling's body, confused. After a few moments to process what was going on, the redhead grinned. "So, IF is in Underling's body, and Underling is in IF's? ...This means I've gained a new wifey!"
IF facepalmed, while Underling stared back at RED disbelief. "The hell? I'm not gonna be your wife, kid! I'm not trying to get arrested here…"
RED's face was filled with surprise. "Hey! I'm old enough to get married, you know!"
IF turned around and clutched her phone before dialing a number. She called both Nisa and Compa over, and within fifteen minutes, they were all reunited.
"I have to say, it's hard to get used to this", Nisa said, facing Underling's body.
IF crossed her arms. "You won't have to. Hopefully we can get this resolved tomorrow."
"Even though I understand what's going on, it's still kind of confusing", Compa added.
"Hmph. So, what do you broads do for fun?", Underling asked.
"Well, we originally came here on business. We're just sticking around… to see what happens next", Nisa replied.
"Sounds pretty freaking boring", Underling shrugged.
"At least we're not stealing bikes…", IF grumbled to herself.
"Can't you get over that already?", Underling replied, trying to avoid eye-contact.
"Hey, you know what? How about we all go sneak into AE, and get my engine back?", IF suggested.
"We'll just get kicked out again!", RED replied.
"Good point… but wait, I won't!", IF smirked. She turned to face Underling. "Come on. Help me with this, and I'll forget all about you stealing my bike."
Underling stared back. "Well, if it gets you off my ass, then I might as well."
The party hid in a bush across the street from AE headquarters. They poked their heads out before retreating back into cover.
"Okay. Does everyone know the plan?", IF asked. With a nod back from everyone, IF stepped out of the bush and began to walk towards the building. Before walking through the sliding doors, she turned back to look at her party and gave them a thumbs up. After taking a moment to realize her sleeve wasn't covering her hand, she turned back around and walked into the building.
She presented Underling's ID card to pass the turnstile and fiddled around with her phone to kill time. Suddenly, her party burst through the sliding doors and jumped the turnstiles (Compa had some help from Nisa).
"Hey! Over here, you bozos!", Underling shouted.
"You can't do that!", one guard shouted, "Get them!"
The party split up in two groups of two, and ran deeper into the building while being tailed by several security guards.
IF took this opening to start freely traveling through the building without anyone knowing the wiser. Having Underling's body ended up making things far easier than they already were, given that security had its hands full. She ran through the hallways searching for where Underling told her that her bike's engine was being stored.
When she finally found the room, she took a deep breath and opened the door. As her eyes scanned the inside, she froze once they grew fixated on a figure within the room.
"Why, hello there", the person said, their voice altered by the helmet on their head. It wasn't until she heard their voice that IF recognized who she was looking at- the person who found Elsa's bike, back in Planeptune. She sported the same white space-armor and helmet she was wearing when they first encountered each other.
IF gulped before replying, realizing she would be fine if she kept up the act. "H-hey! Don't mind me. Just came to… fetch something."
The armored figure stared at IF up and down. "...Have we met?", she asked, "You can call me Battlefront."
IF stared back and smiled. "Crap, what's Underling's real name?", she thought. After a brief moment of contemplation, she replied, "Nice to meet ya… I'm an underling."
Battlefront tilted their head. "I guess someone has to do the dirty work. I can respect that."
"Yup, that's me! Gotta pound the pavement, you know?", IF chuckled nervously. "Just another disposable worker here."
The armored figure nodded. "Disposable? Perhaps that is true... No, everyone has to start somewhere. You'll climb the ranks, eventually."
"Y-yeah! That's right! Hahaha... ", IF's eyes darted around quickly, looking for her bike's engine. "Well, don't mind me! I'm just running an errand…"
"Is there any way I can help?", Battlefront asked.
"N-nope! I got this. Don't mind me!", IF replied. She began to scramble through the boxes within the storage room, awkwardly getting away from Battlefront to avoid further questioning.
RED and Underling ended up grouping up with each other as they were being chased through the building. Though they were able to evade capture for a while, it didn't take long until they were finally cornered.
"Hands up! Nobody move!", one of the guards shouted.
Underling cussed internally as she raised her hands. RED, however, was more defiant. Eager to stall for as long as possible, she stepped forward and took out one of her deadliest weapons.
"Look out, she's armed!", one guard shouted.
"She's got a… a… toy?", another guard said.
"What the hell are you doing with that thing?!", Underling barked.
"Prepare to be amazed!", RED called out, holding a kendama tightly. She waved it around, causing the red ball to move through the air before retracting it back to the base.
The guards stared at the redhead in confusion. "Sir… what do we do?", one guard asked another.
"Hold on…", another guard replied, "...This is pretty cool."
Underling looked at the guards, then at RED, then back to the guards. "You've gotta be freaking kidding me", she muttered to herself.
Meanwhile, Nisa and Compa were both already escorted out of the building, without putting up any resistance. They waited with each other patiently across the street from the building.
"I ran as fast as I could, but I still got caught…", Compa sighed.
"We played are parts the best we could. All we can do now is wait and pray for their success!", Nisa replied.
After around fifteen minutes of looking, IF finally found the bike engine inside a box. She took a deep breath and picked it up, before making her way outside.
"Alright, I've got what I came for, see ya 'round", IF blurted out as she exited the room. It was smooth sailing for her, from then on out. At least, she wished it was. As the door to the hallway opened, IF was met with a familiar obstacle…
"E-Elsa?", IF stuttered.
"Huh? What are you doing here? Didn't I tell you to go find more recruits for our party?", the rich girl replied.
IF panicked internally. What was she going to say? She cleared her throat before giving her reply. "I just thought I'd, er, sell this for some… quick cash?"
Elsa raised an eyebrow and peered into the box, a task made simple with her height advantage over Underling's body. "This is… Leafy's bike engine?"
IF held her breath nervously, before exhaling as she blurted out her next sentence. "I was gonna sell it back to her and milk her for all her cash!"
Elsa crossed her arms. "...Whatever, not like I was going to use it for anything." She stepped aside and allowed IF to go through. IF didn't waste a second and speed-walked past the athletic girl, eager to make her exit as quick as possible.
Around the corner she went, and she began to move as fast as she could, considering her fairly heavy payload. As she traveled, she noticed that there were some guards watching RED put up a performance for them with her variety of toys as Underling watched on in disbelief.
IF stopped in her tracks and tried to signal RED and Underling by holding her box up and waving it around. RED was way too into her performance to notice anything, while Underling was quick to recognize her own body from afar. Underling stepped forward between RED and the guards and spoke up.
"Shouldn't you broads be kicking us out by now?!", Underling shouted.
The guards snapped out of their apparent trance and looked at each other. "Oh, right…", one of them replied, "Put your hands up! And no more toys!"
RED held her sleeves as she put her hands up, while Underling did the same. Her oversized sleeves slid down to reveal most of her arms. With her goal reached, IF began to make her way out of the building, speeding up so she didn't run into anyone else who might know Underling.
When she walked through the sliding doors with the heavy package, she felt as if a great weight were lifted from her shoulders- which lasted for only a moment, when she realized she was about to drop the box. She adjusted her grip and continued walking across the street to greet Nisa and Compa. As she arrived to her companions, her other two party members were kicked out of the building and onto the curb.
Nisa and Compa both greeted IF with a smile. "I see the mission was a success!", Nisa said.
IF set the box down and gave a sigh of relief, now that an actual weight was removed from her shoulders. After a few moments, the full party was back together.
"Good work, everyone!", Compa cheered.
"Yes! I can feel my 'Charm' stat increasing!", RED said with a grin.
"All you did was show off some lame toy tricks…", Underling grumbled.
"Hey! That took years of practice to learn, you know!", RED replied.
"Whatever. We were lucky those broads even fell for it", Underling shrugged.
Nisa walked over to the box and peered inside. "I trust you didn't run into any trouble in there?"
IF shook her head. "I ran into Elsa in there. And that other girl, who found her bike."
"With the space armor?", Nisa replied.
"Yeah", IF replied, "Her name's Battlefront. Looks like she's also working for Elsa now, too." After a quick glance at Underling, she sighed. "Well that's enough about that. It's time to fix my bike!"
RED pointed forward, towards nothing in particular. "This next sequence will be pretty boring, so we're gonna just skip ahead to when it's finished!"
"There are smoother ways to end a scene, you know…", Nisa replied.
"G-girls! You mustn't say things like that!", Compa interjected.
Underling facepalmed. "Just end the damn scene already!"
IF's party sat patiently in a mechanic's waiting room, electing to have a professional reinstall the engine so that Underling couldn't tamper with the bike any further. They idled around until the mechanic finally delivered the good news. IF immediately jumped to her feet and ran to see her partner in crime in one piece.
She ran over and hopped on, quickly turning the key in the ignition. For her efforts, she was greeted with the satisfying sound of the engine revving up. IF couldn't help but grin from ear to ear.
"Now this more like it!", IF said.
"I don't think I've seen you this happy before", Nisa said.
"Iffy's bike is sort of like her baby", Compa smiled.
RED had a worried look on her face. "I need to step up my game. I don't wanna lose to a bike!"
Underling cross her arms. "Are you gonna shut up about me taking your stupid engine now?"
IF snapped back into reality and looked at Underling. "Yeah. Don't forget we still have to switch bodies back."
Underling uncrossed her arms. "Hopefully that magic chick can fix this. I can't get used to these huge sleeves."
"Don't you think they look cool?", IF replied.
"They keep getting in the freaking way!", Underling snapped.
"You just need to get used to them", RED said.
"Hell no. Come tomorrow, I'll be back in my own comfy body and ditching you broads", Underling replied.
"You don't like hanging out with us?", Compa asked.
"What can I say? I'm at least getting paid big bucks to help that rich girl. What do you guys do? Run quests from the guilds all day? Does that even pay well?", Underling said.
"Depends on the job", IF replied, "Adventuring is a totally legit profession, you know."
"Just make sure you don't take an arrow to the knee, and you'll be golden!", Nisa said.
"You read that from a book, didn't you?", IF smirked.
Nisa nodded. "Bethesda's 'Feature or Bug? The Life of a Modder'."
"Who the hell uses a bow and arrow nowadays? Can't everyone just buy a gun or use magic?", Underling grumbled.
"That's funny. I can't find any sort of guns on you", IF replied as she patted down the body she inhabited. "I don't think you can use magic, either."
"Wait a minute. You mean the only weapon she has is a pipe?", Nisa asked.
"H-hey! I can take a hit too, dammit!", Underling stuttered.
"...and run, too. That hit hurt, you know!", Nisa replied.
"It was nothing personal, alright? I'm just trying to get by", Underling sighed.
"There are better ways to do that other than pursuing a life of crime! Come! Atone for your sins and you too can succeed at life!", Nisa declared.
Underling grit her teeth. "I'm not gonna take advice from someone who clearly has some screws loose." She turned around and started walking away.
"Where are you going? We still need to switch bodies!", IF called out.
Underling groaned as she did a U-turn. "This is so lame…"
"I don't see why you're so eager to go back to being an underling", IF said, "Especially when you could be part of a team instead."
Underling marched up over to IF and grabbed her coat, lifting her up a few inches from the ground. "You listen here, twerp. My name's not 'Underling'. It's Linda. . L.I.N.D.A." She let go and let IF fall onto the ground. "And don't you forget it!"
CHAPTER 17… (Tell Me) Your Name... END.