Chapter 20: The Cult of Busty Blondes
A day has past since IF and her friends turned the president of AE in to the Leanbox guild. Master Chief had parted ways with them to go on other official business while Cave went inside to help interrogate the president. Compa took this downtime as a chance to go shopping. Nisa tagged along, eager to see more of Leanbox. IF sat at a booth and looked through the available quests, eager to find something to do for herself.
"Iffy, I'm bored", RED sighed.
IF's eyes were glued to her phone. Without looking up, she responded. "Go find something to do then."
RED pouted. "Come on, you're my wifey! You're supposed to spoil me with gifts and attention!"
"That sounds like a pretty one-sided relationship", IF muttered.
"What do you mean?", RED replied.
"Well, instead of worrying about what people can give you, how about you try giving other people something instead?", IF said.
RED stared at IF with a blank expression on her face, as if the brunette had been speaking to her in a foreign language.
"You don't have to think about it so hard", IF added, "Just do whatever comes naturally to you."
The redhead held her chin in thought, then started to walk away. After a few minutes, she came running back with flyer in hand.
"Iffy! Iffy! How about we go to this event!?", RED suggested. IF looked up from her phone to take a look at what RED was holding. It read:
CULT OF BUSTY BLONDES
MEETING TONIGHT 7PM
SNACKS PROVIDED
NEWCOMERS WELCOME!
...
The bottom of the flyer indicated the location of the event, along with some graphics resembling busty blonde women. IF skimmed through the flyer once, then blinked before reading it over again.
"Sounds like a get together for pervs", IF shrugged.
"Just think! A get together where I can talk about blonde wifeys with other people!", RED's eyes shined with joy, seeming to ignore IF's comment. "Come on, Iffy! I'm sure you could make a friend or two there, too!"
"What makes you think I'd be interested in this sort of thing?", IF asked.
"Come on, now! Don't knock it 'till you try it!", RED insisted, "Besides, this is about me doing something for you. I'm taking you dare on a date!"
IF sighed and put her phone away. "As long as you don't call this a 'date', then we have a deal."
RED cheered at the response and sat down at the opposite side of the table, staring at IF with a huge smile on her face. She kicked her feet up and down, barely able to contain her excitement as she stared at IF, who had gone back to staring at her phone. Not knowing how to get around Leanbox very well, she looked up the address on the flyer to make sure she knew how to get there.
The time of the meeting rapidly approached (at least, for IF it did). IF made sure to send a text to Compa about her plans before heading out. RED was completely giddy, like a child whose parents were taking them to a toy store. RED's smile was contagious, causing IF to have a slight grin on her face as she started to make her leave from the guild.
IF walked over to her motorcycle and hopped onto it. She beckoned RED over to hop on as well. RED was more than eager to get close and personal with IF and hopped on in an instant.
"Hold on tight. I'm not stopping if you fall off", IF muttered.
"Well don't mind if I do!", RED replied just before hopping on and embracing IF from behind in a tight hug. IF revved up her engine before finally setting off onto the road.
It didn't take long for them to arrive at their destination: a high school gymnasium. IF pulled over and let RED hop off before parking her bike. They followed the paper signs pointing towards the meeting and soon found themselves within the gym. There were folding chairs set up in a circle with some people already sitting in some of them. The duo took their seats right next to each other and patiently waited for the meeting to begin. As soon as the clock hit the hour, a robotic looking man spoke up,
"Welcome back to our 'Cult of Busty Blondes' meeting!", the man said, "My name is Affimojas, and I'm the chairman of this club. I see some new faces here today, so let's give our newcomers a chance to introduce themselves!"
RED jumped up from her seat. "My name's RED!", she said while pointing to herself. She motioned towards IF. "And this here is Iffy!" IF nodded towards the group without getting up from her chair. Everyone else greeted them with a warm smile or a simple "Hello".
"Splendid!", Affimojas replied, "It soothes my robotic heart to meet more people who are also interested in the delight that is a woman with blonde hair and a respectable bust!" Everyone else nodded in agreement.
IF spoke up. "One question, if I may", she asked, "What exactly do you guys do here?"
Affimojas nodded. "This is simply a place where we can freely express our love for busty blondes away from the judgmental eyes of society! We also offer emotional support for people who have, regrettably, had trouble speaking to such beautiful beings, among any other thing they may need help in."
"I see", IF replied, "That's actually pretty nice."
"Indeed", Affimojas said, "Now, who would like to go first?" One blonde girl raised her hand. "Excellent! Please introduce yourself for our newcomers, first!"
"My name is Million Arthur!", the girl stated, "I hail from a faraway kingdom in the search for cute girls, busty blondes included!" The group waved and greeted at her before she continued. "I actually have quite a scoop for you all today!"
Affimojas nodded. "Don't keep us waiting then, Millie!"
Million Arthur nodded. "Well, rumor has it that Lady Green Heart herself is actually a busty blonde herself!"
Everyone collectively gasped at the blonde's words. One average looking young man raised his hand. "Where did this rumor come from? Ordinary people aren't allowed to lay their eyes upon the Goddesses!"
"That is quite the claim…", another person interjected. The group began to chatter amongst themselves, contemplating the rumor.
"Now, now, everyone. As far as we know, this is simply a rumor", Affimojas spoke up, "...However, this sort of information deserves to be shared with the public. I'll be writing about this on my blog. That way, with everyone talking about it, we'll be able to figure out if it's true or not!"
"Good idea, Master!", a voice called out from outside the circle of chairs. Everyone turned around to see who just spoke. A purple, moody looking ninja approached the group to take his own seat, holding a tray with some snacks on it. On his way over, he accidentally nudged IF. "Sorry, pardon me", he muttered in response.
"Ah, Steamax!", Affimojas greeted, "You're late."
Steamax bowed and raised the tray up for all to see. "My apologies, Master. It took me longer than I anticipated to get the snacks."
"Very well, then", Affimojas replied, "Go ahead and hand them out to everyone." Steamax obeyed by going around the circle and letting people pick a snack from the tray. On the platter were crackers, cheese, and ham.
"Well don't mind if I do, chu", a gray rodent muttered as he picked up a few pieces of cheese from the platter.
"Now, if Millie has nothing else to report, the floor is open for anyone else", Affimojas commanded. After a moment of everyone looking at each other, another person stood up. Affimojas nodded. "Good to see you're back! How did it go?"
"Well…", the young man started to speak, "...I got way too nervous to ask her out. And then… someone else did."
The group collectively awed. Affimojas spoke up. "Does anyone have any advice?"
The group fell silent before someone answered. "If I may…", Steamax spoke up.
"Of course, my good friend. Speak your mind!", Affimojas replied.
Steamax turned to face the unlucky man. "Maybe you should just pour your feelings out and tell her how you feel."
"And if all else fails", RED interjected, "Just declare them your wifey!" Everyone's eyes all locked onto RED after that. IF hid her face with her sleeves, embarrassed.
"How bold", Affimojas replied, "...perhaps just bold enough to work!"
The young man who presented his dilemma thought about the advice he was just given for a moment. "I'll try both of those, thank you…"
"You should be more confident in yourself, too!", RED continued, "Raise your hand and repeat after me!" The young man hesitated for a moment before following the redhead's instructions. "I solemnly swear to defend my wifey with my lifey! And my wifey, is you!" The man repeated what RED said. "Now say it one more time!", RED instructed.
The man repeated it several more times, becoming progressively more confident which each time he repeated it. "I… I feel better now! I can do this!", the man cheered.
"How splendid!", Affimojas declared. He turned his attention towards IF. "How about you?"
IF looked back at Affimojas. "...What about me?"
"You have the look of someone with unreciprocated love on your face", the robotic man replied.
"...What are you getting at?", IF muttered.
"We're all here to show our support. So just tell us what's on your mind!" Affimojas said.
"Well… there's this friend. I've known her my whole life, and I'm not sure if I want to take it to the next level", IF explained.
"I see. That is quite the dilemma", Affimojas replied.
"Oh Iffy, you should have ask-!", RED butted in.
"Not you", IF interrupted, "I haven't known you for even a week yet."
The gray little rat leaned forward on his seat. "Do you have any pictures of her, chu?"
IF stared at the rodent, unsure of how to respond. "I don't feel comfortable sharing that", she replied.
"So uptight, chu…", the rodent grumbled to himself.
Meanwhile, at a Leanbox shopping center…
Nisa followed Compa around, holding all of the bags of clothing and merchandise the young nurse had bought. The blue-haired girl wondered to herself how Compa could afford all of this on a nurse's salary. Despite her curiosity, she didn't ask. Eventually, Compa stopped and looked at Nisa.
"Oh, sorry. You must be getting bored from all this", Compa said.
Nisa flexed her muscles while still holding the bags. "Me? Ha! This is nothing for a hero such as myself!"
Compa eyed her up and down. "Well… I think I've bought everything I wanted. What do you want to do?"
Nisa thought to herself for a few moments. "Well, we could… Hm. You know, I'm not sure. How about we get something to eat?"
"Good idea, it's almost supper time. Lead the way!", Compa replied. Nisa began to walk around with Compa following closely behind. They looked through the shopping center for around ten minutes until Nisa finally decided where to eat.
"Can't go wrong with seafood!", Nisa declared.
"I haven't cooked seafood in a while, so this will be a treat", Compa nodded. The pair went inside the restaurant and stopped to look at the menu before deciding what to order. Once they made up their minds, they ordered their food.
"One order of takoyaki, please!", Nisa said.
"And two crab rice balls!", Compa added.
"Coming right up!", the chef replied.
Compa and Nisa moved over to the pick-up area to wait for their orders. "So, how long have you known IF for?", Nisa asked.
"For as long as I can remember", Compa said, "Even back when we were little kids, she still wore such a huge coat!" She chuckled at the image in her own head, from a time long past. "Even back then, she was hooked to her phone! She cried for like two weeks when it broke. And she only stopped because she got a new one!"
"Doesn't seem very different from how she is now", Nisa replied, "What about you? Did you want to be a nurse back then?"
"Definitely! I had this big toy syringe, and I'd pretend to fix everyone's booboos with it", Compa replied cheerfully. "How about you?"
"Well, I have sworn my life to bring about justice all across Gamindustri!", Nisa said. "I guess you could say I've been wanting to to do this for a while. It's also why I like takoyaki. You see, the prinni-"
"Order number 184 and 185!", one of the employees shouted, "Order number 184 and 185, ready!"
"Oh, that's us", Nisa muttered. She went over to the counter and picked up their orders. They then walked over to one of the tables to finally feast upon their meals.
"Hey, Nisa. What do you think is gonna happen to the president?", Compa asked.
Nisa chewed down a piece of her food and hummed for a second before answering. "Well, with all the evidence racked up against him, he'll probably be doing time", Nisa answered, "...Though, I feel as if there's something much bigger going on."
Compa swallowed a piece of her riceball. "What do you mean?"
"I just think there's more going on than just the president's involvement. We don't even know what the big picture is, yet…", Nisa replied. "The guild's questioning him right now. There's also that deal with the factory back over in the Planeptune region that they're looking into. This evil plot runs deep. It'll probably take a while for us to get to the bottom of it."
"That sounds complicated...", Compa said, "I'm sure everything will work out."
"I hope so", Nisa replied, "...What am I saying? Of course justice will prevail!" Nisa began to chuckle and took another bite out of her takoyaki.
Back at the Cult of Busty Blondes Meeting…
"Being friends isn't so bad", Steamax explained, "I've been friends with master for years, and it's a great relationship."
"I don't think your relationship would be ruined if you told her how you felt", Million Arthur added. "Good friendships are too strong to be broken so easily! You have nothing to fear!"
IF sighed. "Wouldn't it still be kind of awkward, though?"
"It is possible that she would let you down easy. Such is the talent of a busty blonde, acquired after being asked out by so many hopefuls", Affimojas replied.
"Even if she does friendzone you, you still have me!", RED announced, proudly.
"Yeah… that doesn't sound so bad", IF muttered. "Thanks, everyone."
Affimojas looked over to the clock before clapping his hands together. "Well, that seems to be all the time we have for today. Thank you all for coming! And remember: behind all that bustiness, is a big heart!"
Everyone got up from their chairs and waved goodbye, while Steamax helped put the folding chairs away. As IF and RED approached the exit, IF felt someone's hand tap her shoulder.
"Good luck out there!", Million Arthur said with a grin.
RED, feeling that her wifey was being contested, glared at the blonde. "Hey! Hands off the merchandise!", she blurted out.
Million Arthur withdrew her hand. "Oh, sorry! You two are pretty cute, we should hang out somet-"
"There you are! I've been looking all over for you!" A short girl with light blue hair ties into pigtails and wearing a black swimsuit like outfit barged through the exit doors.
"Ch-Cheekama! I was just… it's just a get together, you know?" Million Arthur replied nervously.
"We have work to do! You're coming with me!", Cheekama barked. She grabbed Million Arthur by the ear and pulled her away.
"S-see you girls around…!", was all the blonde was able to mouth off before getting pulled away.
IF crossed her arms. "...Why does this situation feel so familiar?"
RED shrugged. "Beats me. Let's go meet up with Nisa and Compa!"
IF nodded. "I'll text them so we can meet up."
As IF and RED left the gymnasium, a certain little rodent began to tail them…
"If she won't show me her picture, then I'll just follow that blue washboard until she meets up with her, chu!"
However, the gray little stalker wasn't the only one tailing them. A hidden figure kept to the shadows among the rooftops, also pursuing IF and RED…
IF and RED finally met up with Nisa and Compa in the parking lot of the shopping center. The sun had just about set, painting the landscape with an orange hue. Nisa was carrying a few of Compa's bags, while Compa held some of her own. They all stood underneath a light in the parking lot.
"So, how was that get together?", Nisa asked.
"It was alright", RED answered.
"Just alright? How odd. I'd think that sort of thing would be great for you", Nisa replied.
"She's just upset because she made a rival", IF shrugged.
"A rival? Ohhh, tell us more!", Compa replied.
As their conversation continued, the little rodent hid behind a car. "Hm… now let's see…" He muttered to himself. He eyed the group to search for his target. "There's that boring brunette… and that redhead… some other washboard with a scarf… and… and…!" The rodent's heart skipped a beat when he laid his eyes upon the young nurse. "Oh, baby! I hit the jackpot!" His eyes cartoonishly turned into a pair of beating hearts.
Unable to restrain himself, the short stalker leapt through the air towards Compa, only to be swatted into the ground by one of the bags Nisa was holding. Everyone looked down at the would-be attacker. He remained on the ground completely motionless, save for his twitching tail.
"What the hell? What is this thing?", IF blurted out.
"Probably just a stray monster. Good job beating it up!", RED said to Nisa.
"No, wait. It looks like a mouse", Compa said, "He looks harmless!"
"I wouldn't be so sure about that. He was headed right for you", Nisa replied.
"Come on, let's give him some space to breathe", Compa spoke up. Everyone took two steps back and all kept their eyes on the rodent. After a few moments, he got up onto his feet.
"Ch-chu… You didn't have to hit me so hard!", he grumbled.
IF took out her gun and pointed it at the creepy little stalker. "You have ten seconds to explain yourself."
"Wait a second, Iffy. This guy was at that meeting earlier!", RED interrupted.
IF looked down upon the rat. "...Eight seconds."
The rodent cried out. "W-wait! Don't shoot! I just wanted to see the girl you were talking about! P-please don't kill me!"
"Huh? What girl?", Compa asked.
IF's eyes widened with surprise. At this point, IF realized that this line of questioning shouldn't continue. She put her gun away and crossed her arms. "...Who are you, anyway?"
"The name's Warechu, chu", the rodent announced, "And someday, I'll become one of the most popular mascots in Gamindustri."
"Nice to meet you, Warechuchu!", Compa replied.
"No, no, that's one 'chu' too many, chu!", Warechu blurted out.
"Mr. Mouse, the way you say 'chu' so much reminds me of a train!", Compa smiled.
IF glared at Warechu, and pretty much became tunnel-visioned thanks to her frustration. Due to this, she didn't notice the small projectile headed straight for her head. At the last second, RED smacked it away with a frisbee. The sound of the deflection snapped IF out of her trance.
"Iffy! We're under attack!", RED announced. Everyone became alert and dropped whatever they were holding to bring out their weapons. Warechu ducked out of the way and hid behind a car. RED looked at the ground to see what she had just deflected. "A kunai… it's a ninja!"
"What the hell would a ninja want with us?", IF grumbled.
"Everyone get ready! The enemy can strike from everywhere!", Nisa called out. After a few seconds, another kunai broke the light that the group was under, leaving them in darkness.
"Midaresaki!", a voice cried out. Suddenly, a figure dashed in from the shadows and started striking everyone with a pair of flaming swords, hitting all four of the girls with a swirling combo before a single one could react.
"Where'd they go?!", IF said.
RED looked up into the air, towards the direction where the first kunai was thrown from. "Up there!" On top of a neighboring light, a single figure could be seen standing on top of it.
IF took out her gun and began to shoot at the figure, only for the figure to promptly vanish, using the cover of darkness to hide her whereabouts. She looked around, trying to relocate the attacker before their next strike.
"Iffy, look out!", RED cried out. She dashed over towards IF, and put herself between the brunette and the attacker's sword. The strike hit true, hitting the redhead. RED lost her balance, and began to fall over. Before she hit the ground, IF caught RED in her arms.
"RED! Are you okay?", IF shouted.
"You're okay… right? Good…", RED muttered.
"Why didn't you do that?!", IF replied, a concerned look on her face.
"Didn't I say so before? I'll protect my wifey… with my… lifey…", RED spoke in a hushed tone, before finally passing out.
"RED? RED! Wake up!", IF cried.
"It hurts, doesn't it?", an unknown voiced spoke, so that the whole group could hear. "Losing a friend, and being unable to help them… I had to go through that, once. For two people. When that happened, I took a memento to remember them by…"
Suddenly, the figure appeared underneath a neighboring light that still worked. She wore a school uniform that was way too small for her. A gray sweater was tied around her waist along with the sheath of a sword. Her hair was orange with a swirly cowlick on top, with orange eyes to match.
The kunoichi raised a sword up and pointed it towards IF's party. "...And I'm going to take that memento back!"
CHAPTER 20… THE CULT OF BUSTY BLONDES... END.